Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-05-27T16:05:12-07:00 2 daily A few things from the bike shop. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1192150038.html Whoo-hoo Seattle, the sun is out! Let's discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru. So yes, you've noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to some bike riding. Let's keep in mind that the sun came out of all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you're not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that huffs "Why are there so many people here?" Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we're not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we'll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier. SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE: - I don't know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don't care how tall you are. I don't care how long your inseam is. Don't complain to me that you don't want to come ALL THE WAY down to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you're going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat ass down here. - Don't get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet of people waiting for help, I can't deal with you sitting there "uuuuhhh"-ing and "uuummm"-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn't get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your shit out. -I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You've already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I've learned from you fucking squirrels, it's that "doesn't shift right" means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I'll let you know for sure. - No, I don't know how much a good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won't buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons "doesn't want to spend too much". FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS: - Just because you think is should exist, doesn't mean that it does. I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small for you to begin with into a comfort bike. - If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for a fixie conversion doesn't mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart. - I love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won't do the "final tweaks" for you. You figure out why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don't work together. While we're at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don't bring that lumbering fucking thing anywhere near me. A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS: -If you shitheads had any money, you wouldn't NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on. - Being made in the 80's may make something cool, but that doesn't automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that "vintage" Murray is because it's shit. It was shit in the 80's, a trend it carried proudly through the 90's, and rallied with into the '00's. What I mean to say is, no, I can't make it work better. It's still shit, even with more air in the tires. SO YOU'RE GONNA BUY A BIKE: Good for you! Biking is awesome. It's easy, it's fun, it's good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you. -Your co-worker that's "really into biking" knows fuck all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you. - You're not a triathlete. You're not. If you were, you wouldn't be here, and we both know it. - You're not a racer. If you were, I'd know you already, and you wouldn't be here, and we both know it. - So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you're doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we're all good. ABOUT YOUR KIDS: Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here. - I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can't even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike. - Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it's not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid butt, it's because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I'd feed them to sharks, because sharks are FUCKING AWESOME. I hope this helps, and have fun this summer riding your kick-ass bike! <ul> <li> Location: Seattle <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-27T16:05:12-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1192150038.html A few things from the bike shop. text California's Gay Marriage Ban: Disgraceful http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1190733170.html First let me say I am NOT a mormon. Not everyone in Utah is mormon, in fact the percentage of Mormon to non Mormon is gradually declining as more folks move in from places like California, Nevada, Arizona and the Snowbelt states. So, while the Mormon church does still have some degree of clout here, to boycott Utah thinking you are boycotting the Mormon church, is kind of like the reverse of the Christians telling their congregations that if they go to San Francisco on vacation they are supporting the gay lifestyle. (Everyone with a brain knows that not everybody in San Francisco is gay, in fact it's only about 20% if that.) I am a California native born/raised/bred, from four generations of Californians born/raised/bred in California, retired to the warm, sunny climate of Southern Utah. I was against the first "defense of marriage" thing years ago when that idiot Republican Peter Knight was on his diatribe because I thought it was divisive and redundant. I was no longer in the state when this last initiative came onto the ballot. But I would not have supported the measure (meaning I would have voted NO on 8), not because I am pro-gay per se', but out of logic...because I think "marriage" is a religious institution and I don't believe it is the government's role to be involved in either defining, or protecting the definition of any religious institution, under the separation of church and state clause. (In fact, if you want my personal opinion, while I'm not anti-gay at all, I think that the word "marriage" should imply what it has implied for thousands of years, the union between one man and one woman. But, since it is a religious institution, the power to define what constitutes "marriage" should be left strictly up to the religious community for them to debate and discuss. And if I disagree with one religion's views on "marriage", I'm always free to choose another religion. But to have the government tell me who I can and can't "marry" is CRIMINAL. Plain and simple. We have established Government to protect our basic human rights, not to be allowed to strip us of them, and we should demand a redress of grievances immediately! If everyone in the state voted to send all gays to the gas chamber would that make it legal? God forbid!!) What it boils down to is this: Since "marriage" is a religious institution, then according to Article III of the Bill of Rights, the Government has no business in the "marriage" business...for anyone. The Civil Union should replace "marriage" as the Government recognized legally binding agreement between two people, regardless of gender, and it should be performed by Justices of the Peace (or other appointed Government Officials). We have already established that Government must treat all individuals equally under the law regardless of gender. Therefore, Government should grant the same binding Civil Union to any 2 people who want to apply for the Civil Union, regardless of gender. Once this Civil Union has been performed (a formality), the 2 people can of course go to any church, synagogue, mosque, etc. of their choice and get a "marriage"in whatever religious observance or tradition they see fit. It can't possibly diminish the significance or symbolism of it because in order to get "married" now, a couple needs to obtain a Govt issued license. Essentially, the Civil Union process would just replace the license application process. A side benefit of this would be an added revenue stream to municipalities for the Civil Union process. It's not a tax, it's a fee for services. It would likely require more personnel in many city offices (which the fees would cover), but there would be jobs created. It's not rocket-science. But here is the crux of the irony in this whole California ballot thing (and just one more reason why I was so glad to leave California because it's just gotten beyond ridiculous....) But it shows how backward things are. California can't even pay its own bills anymore...but it's worried about trying to "defend" the definition of "marriage". How rich is that? I have to wonder how many of those people who went to the polls to vote for this poorly-written measure to "defend marriage" are not even "married" themselves, but rather just shacked up together? (Before you tell me it's a 'common law marriage', you can stick it. It's not the same as that legally-binding marriage certificate...you know, that little piece of paper that the lawyers use to take away half your assets when you want to walk out on your spouse. That's why, when you're shacked up it's a lot easier to bail, even if you've been shacked up for 20 years and have kids and property together.) How many of those who voted for the measure even have a religous belief about anything? How many of them could even stay in a long-term relationship, much less a "marriage" without cheating on a partner/spouse (e.g.: committing adultery)? How many of those worried about "preserving the sanctity of marriage" have already been married and divorced once, twice or even three times...or even perhaps more...and re-married? Or here's one that I really would like to ask the religious community, how many of those religious right wing nutjobs calling themselves Christians who went on a diatribe about this measure, have been divorced and re-married, when Jesus specifically condemned this, (except in certain circumstances)? Answer me that. There is so much muck in their own back yards to clean up, they should stick with that instead of worrying about what others are doing. How does it make you feel to know that your school systems are among the worst in the country, so bad that the majority of kids aren't getting the same quality education as their same-age peers in most other states...but at least now your homos can't get married. Thank God for that, though! Right? Show them who's boss! The schools are in shambles, the roads need paving, there is no money to pay the police, firefighters and teachers and hundreds of other state jobs, and tens of thousands of kids have no medical care. But you have just made it that much harder for the queers who live next door to you to visit each other in the hospital if they ever get sick. What a worthwhile accomplishment! Give them the punishment they deserve! They're just queers, who cares? Your kids are graduating high school and they can't read or write, and yet you just spent millions passing one of the most hate-based, discriminatory laws since the pre-civil rights era. How does it make you feel now that you've gotten your way, all of you self-righteous Christians and Mormons and Jews and Muslims and Atheists and who knows whoever or whatever else is reading this (I hope the whole world)...who solicited funds to get this measure passed? Here's a novel question...WHY did you people donate time and money to pass this measure when you could have just as easily given the money and time and energy for a worthwhile cause like doing something about the collapsing school system? Or lobbying your state assembly to change an immigration policy that is collapsing the state budget? Or one of the LITANY of more truly important issues facing your state? Are those things not important to you? Apparently, fighting the cause of homophobia is more important than any of those issues. Do you think homosexuality is some kind of contagious disease? Is it the next global pandemic? Is it going to rub off on you or your kids? Does it spread through the air? Is it in the water? Are homo germs going to blow east and "infect" the rest of us in the free world if you don't take it upon yourselves to stop them? Please tell me, because I would really like to know how you think. Because frankly I don't understand how anyone's choice of a mate (which is entirely someone else's personal matter) can possibly have an effect on you so much that you would go to such lengths as to try and deny others the right to a peaceful and loving co-existence. What doesn't seem to add up here is that homosexuality suddenly doesn't seem so taboo when all you straight guys shut the door to your den (behind your wives back) and go onto your favorite dial-a-porn site and watch the lesbians licking each other for the camera while you pleasure yourself with a bottle of lube. But, hey, we won't talk about that. It's OK for beautiful girls with big boobs and luscious lips to do each other for your porn addiction, but just don't ever let two "faggots" get married and/or move into your neighborhood. That's not the kind of homosexuality we want. But it's fine if you want to try and talk your wife or girlfriend into doing it with another woman (or two) while you watch, that's somehow "normal"...but the thought of two "faggots" who love each other getting married and moving in next to you is "just unnatural". (BTW, In case you hadn't noticed, you are what's called a pathetic loser.) I'm totally puzzled here, California. Not because I expect you to make decisions based on religion, but simply because California has always been the leader in civil rights, equality and justice for all, and most importantly a "live and let live" ethic. California is not perfect, but at least you had a couple of things going for you in the human rights category. However, I am disappointed. You have let the country and the world down. You need to go back to the drawing-board and re-think this one because you made the wrong decision...at the polls, and in the courts. <ul> <li> Location: I'm in Utah <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-26T20:37:48-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1190733170.html California's Gay Marriage Ban: Disgraceful text Wanted: Taxidermist who watches a lot of Kung Fu http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1190484174.html I am looking to hire someone with the means to obtain and stuff animals in fashions I choose, which will be Kung Fu for now. When I was younger I convinced a friend of mines dad to create two squirrels Kung Fu fighting. I still think about it from time to time and have decided to get my own Kung Fu animals, I understand this is a bizarre request. Serious inquiries only, please E-Mail me the species of animals you commonly hunt or can obtain and your rate for taxidermy of each in various Kung Fu poses. Mounting preferred. Once again I feel I must state this is serious. If you can show any of your previous work it will probably give you an edge on the competition. Please respond via/e-mail. Thank you. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: There will be payment, decent pay. Depends on quality of work and product which will vary. </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-26T17:37:11-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1190484174.html Wanted: Taxidermist who watches a lot of Kung Fu text Cow poop http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1188589086.html We have cows that keep pooping and it's more than we can handle. Every day there is more cow shit piling up and my husband is starting to panic. He works at Jiffy Mart and doesn't have the time to figure out what to do with all of it. I work too, and I dread coming home each night only to see the cows have pooped another mountain. Please, if you know what can be done about this situation, please let us know as we are at wits end. The stench is becoming unbearable here and I can hardly eat my salad right now as I type this. <ul> <li> Location: Jericho <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-25T20:30:56-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1188589086.html Cow poop text Free couch, if you can bend time and/or space http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1188385012.html I have a free couch for anyone who can get it back out of my room. It's a comfy couch, cool stripe velvet in great shape, impossibly uncomfortable sleeper, but otherwise easily worth $50-75 bucks in Craigslist land. So why am I listing in for free? Because I am pretty sure it is physically impossible to remove this thing from my second story bedroom down the narrow hallway, down the narrower staircase and out the front door of my little Victorian duplex. How did we get it up here in the first place? Magic... well, it did involve taking several doors off the hinges, 4 people, and about 3 1/2 hours of cursing the gods. However, I don't feel like doing it all again, and I'm not about to have a stranger (no offense) taking apart my house for a deal on a sofa. So, if you can bend space and miraculously make this thing fit, such powers shall be awarded with a free couch. Likewise, if you can alter time and go back to when we first bought the monstrosity and prevent us from attempting to bring it upstairs in the first place, you shall also have the honor of owning this couch bestowed on you. Or if you lack these powers and still really want it, you can have it... in pieces, BYOS (bring your own saw) <ul> <li> Location: Denver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-25T15:56:39-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1188385012.html Free couch, if you can bend time and/or space text Daughter getting morning after pill at RiteAid - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1188062135.html Looking for the daughter half that was in Rite Aid with her mother (I assume) getting the morning after pill today in Finksburg. You had an amazing body and I would love to be the next reason you have to get another dose of said pill! Hit me up if you're looking for another go round. <ul> <li> Location: Finksburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-25T14:23:57-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1188062135.html Daughter getting morning after pill at RiteAid - m4w text dear girls snorting coke in the bathroom - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1187440598.html You know, I was almost interested until you emerged from the bathroom looking and behaving like you had just intravenously taken in enough red bull to cause an entire kindergarten class's heads to collectively explode. It was funny watching you act all horny and rub up on everyone in the hopes of getting someone to either a.) buy you some more fruity mixed drinks or b.) do one better and score you more coke... The latter of which being super out there, seeing as how you had a seemingly never-ending supply of it. Still, it was insanely cute to watch the two of you drag yourselves to the bathroom, emerge victorious filled with energy, only to get winded moments later and slump back to the shitter in order to repeat the process. I'm kind of curious what kind of stress your heart is under, and I'm wondering if you'll be back. My friend and I are taking bets on which one of you is going to get the pacemaker first. So in case you were curious, YES, we totally WERE checking you out... but not because we were into it, mostly our interest was in the comical styling of your numerous binges, and the 'stealth-like' way in which you 'hid' your drug use from everyone else. If you're reading this coke girls, do you seriously think nobody has a clue as to what you are up to? Get at me. (meant to post m4w ...and by adding this, I should have successfully put it where it needed to be) Later. <ul> <li> Location: metttttttroooooh.... <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-25T03:15:35-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1187440598.html dear girls snorting coke in the bathroom - w4m text A personal ad.. in graph form http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/syd/1187388648.html Replies invited.. (in graph form or not!) <img src="http://i43.tinypic.com/20i9opj.png"> <ul> <li> Location: Sydney <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-25T15:25:14+10:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/syd/1187388648.html A personal ad.. in graph form text Pet Ad Translations http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1186113851.html Puppy's = PUPPIES puppie = PUPPY Applys = APPLIES rare = degenerate photo of dogs in a chicken-wire cage = I'm a BYB who's too cheap to buy a kennel they're 6 weeks old...(or anything under 8) = Unless you have proof that the vet has OKed their separation from their mother (and by all means, state that in your ad if you do), your sale is ILLEGAL in the state of California Mom is an X, Dad is a Y = I knowingly or accidentally bred these dogs. Either way, you're not "re-homing" them. You're finding their first home, and that's a sale unless you are a 501(c)3 The litter was accidental, I'm not a breeder, it's not my fault = Unless you happened to purchase/adopt a pregnant pooch, there's NO SUCH THING as an accidental litter. It's called negligence when you NEGLECT to spay and your dog unwantingly has puppies. Even if the neighbor's superdog happened to get under/over your fence. Your own damn fault. Don't flag my ad = There's an obvious reason to flag OBO = I don't care enough about the dog to find a good home, I just need money and need it fast I'm downsizing my home, I am moving and can't take with = I'm too cheap/inconsiderate to look for a place for my dog/cat post in every city = I'm desperate because no one wants my backyard bred dog purebread = PUREBRED (Unless for some strange reason your dog is white or wheat) My kid became allergic, I'm having a baby and can't keep my X month old puppy = You didn't do your research and now a poor dog has to suffer. Ignorant. For Sell = FOR SALE Saleing = Selling (also, not allowed) Dog is Hypo-Allergenic...You can have this dog if your kids have allergies!! = Listen, there's NO SUCH THING as a hypo-allergenic dog. The allergens live in the skin (or saliva), not the hair. So get your kids tested, and make sure that if there's a concern, you take the dog on a TRIAL basis. A respectable breeder and rescue would honor that request. Also, while poodles don't shed much, they do shed some. Like humans, you shed cells, hair... Dog's aren't magical. ask about re-homing fee, email for more info = I'm charging $500 + and am too chicken to post it on here I can't respond to emails = Well then how the hell did you post? / There shall be no proof of my misdemeanors AKC/CKC registered = I paid a bit more so that you will pay a helluva lot more and think that it means the dog is quality (if you went to the AKC website you'd realize that any dog listed ask AKC registered that is up for sale is supposed to come with a specific disclaimer attached... but you already knew that didn't you?) Chiwawa, Chichuachua, Chiuaua, and the best one, Chichuaga = CHIHUAHUA Doxon = You don't know anything about the breed you're trying to sell part Datsun= Perhaps it's a Japanese mixed breed. Hopefully it has low mileage. -ipoo, -doodle, pom/x, and other crazy mixes = I'm trying to make it sound like a designer breed, even though it was really an accident/bred for quick $$ without considering the individual qualities of the breeds I mixed wanted, X breed dog for cheap or free = #1, how about you do a petfinder.com search, or even a google search for local breed clubs. #2, use the 'wanted' section of CL where it's also not allowed to post requesting animal sales fyi, #3 most of you sound like you should never own a dog, let alone the breed you're asking for I want $1000+ for my puppy = I live on another planet I'm selling my .... = I can't read the craigslist rules I will pay you to rent your dog to mate with my dog = Again, can't read the craigslist rules thanks for flagging, you're just helping me = This is my last attempt to get flaggers off my back / I'm panicking All rescues suck = I'm a breeder / I was rejected by a rescue / I make gross generalizations without research doesn't have shots / not spayed/neutered = I'm too cheap of a breeder to do it myself, so on top of a $300 're-homing' fee I expect you to do it yourself I need to re-home my 8 week old puppy. I'm not a breeder. = 8 weeks is the minimum age you can sell a dog unless you have vet approval. If you have to re-home an 8 week old dog, you're an @$$#@!E or a breeder. Either way, you fail. "Get rid of" = I can't even pretend I care kitten wanted/looking for kitten to adopt=i'm too lazy to look at a single craigslist page and therefore haven't noticed the dozens of ads for kittens posted nearly every day. i'm having a baby and can't keep my cat= what exactly do you think that your cat is going to do to a baby? even if your kitty is temperamental, overly rambunctious, or has a fondness for sleeping on people's faces (a potential hazard around an infant); unless your cat is superkitty it shouldn't be too difficult to close her out of the baby's room--and the rest of the time one can assume that baby is under your close eye. I want to trade my... = I have a short attention span and lack a heart. I treat my pets like baseball cards. flaggers are bored, loser, lame, lop, nothing else better to do, spouseless, kidless, jobless (unless CL hired them), petless, no social skills besides those applied to flagging/ranting/raving, most likely P.E.T.A advocates. = If flaggers are worthless and have no friends, pets, etc... why are your panties in a bunch about them. If they don't matter to you, you aren't showing it. By the way, I'm a flagger. I have a job that pays pretty darn well. It gives me the time to come home, play with my pups (multiple) and take them to the dog park, network professionally and socially when applicable, was voted onto homecoming court and best personality way back when, participate in volunteering efforts, have friends globally, and don't have any interest in PETA. I'm curious where you're getting your facts... try taking a 'flagger' poll. I guarantee you there's no one type of person that flags posts. Seems you fit into that lovely category of 'gross generalizations'. Feel free to email me with more suggestions to add to this list. Angry posts from breeders and haters will be entertaining. I'd be happy to share them on here too. <ul> <li> Location: Frequently Seen <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-23T21:47:23-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1186113851.html Pet Ad Translations text rentals or why I have head explody http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1185952531.html I have been looking for a new place and I have noticed a few things about the rentals listed under "apt/housing" which are making me all sad due to the amount of time I waste searching the ads, emailing people, phoning them or looking at the places for rent. 1. Please do not be all snarky with me when I ask about pets. If your ad doesn't say "no pets," please don't assume I know that you don't allow pets. If you don't allow pets, please put it in your ad. It will save all of us a great deal of time. If you do allow pets, it is illegal to require a "non-refundable" deposit of any kind. 2. There is no such thing as a "1 bedroom studio" - it is either a 1 bedroom OR a studio. A 1 bedroom has a bedroom, living room, kitchen and bathroom. If the place has only 1 room for sleeping, living and eating, it is a studio and not a 1 bedroom. 3. A dorm-size fridge and 2 burner hotplate or small microwave is not a kitchen or kitchenette. It is limited cooking and your ad needs to state this. 4. If the place is listed as a 1 bedroom and the text of the ad indicates it is a room in a multi-bedroom place, i.e., Isla Vista group housing, it is not a 1 bedroom apartment. It is shared housing. The ad needs to go in the "rooms/shared" section. This also includes places with a "shared bathroom down the hall" or a master bedroom in someone's house - even if it has a separate entrance. If the renter has to share a bathroom and/or kitchen - it is shared housing. 5. Subleases or a limited rental lease period go in the "sublet/temporary" section. If a sublease, please be prepared to provide a copy of your lease and complete contact information about your landlord at the time you show the place. Unless I can contact your landlord, I have no way of knowing you are authorized to sublet the space. A surprised landlord is not a happy landlord. And, if you sublet a place to someone without your landlord's knowledge and consent, the new tenant has no legal right to be there. 6. Vacation rentals have their own place in "vacation rentals." I mean, honesty, you advertise a place for $1,200 and it turns out to be the price for 1 week - this is annoying. 7. A converted garage or storage shed is not a "studio" a "detached studio" or a "garden cottage" - no matter how "cute" "cozy" or "charming" it is. It is a converted garage or shed. Also, the lack of indoor plumbing is not a plus. Please be honest that it is a conversion, and listing the square footage of the space would be a help. Photos from fancy camera work or photoshopping to make the place look bigger than it is wastes everyone's time. 8. When people think of "sunny," they usually are thinking of more than 1 window. Unless it is a south-facing, full wall window, it isn't going to be "sunny." Also, a palm tree or a bush or a fence is not a "view" - they are a palm tree or a bush or a fence. If I have to lean out a window to see a very small hint of what might be, maybe, the ocean, it is not an "ocean view" place. 9. California law requires that every housing unit have a working telephone outlet. I am not being difficult when I ask about it. 10. Please indicate if the rent does or doesn't includes utilities. And, listing those "does" or "doesn't " utilities would be a help. If it is shared utility costs, please be prepared to show all recent utility bills. Again, I am not being difficult when I ask. I need this information so I will know if I can afford the place. 11. Finally, for the love of whatever, please clean the place before you show it to people. Nothing says responsible landlord like a uncleaned place, a bathroom that has mystery crud in the toilet, sink or tub, peeling paint, broken window latches or light fixtures, or a fridge with mold growing inside it. And, what is that stain on the rug and why does the place smell like a slaughterhouse? The place would rent faster if you clean the place, clean or replace the carpet, repair things, and make the space "move-in ready" before you show it. <ul> <li> Location: *headdesk* <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-23T18:30:56-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1185952531.html rentals or why I have head explody text re: old bitches http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1184872154.html Life's a bitch, ain't it? You're missing a few stitches in your skull surgery. Maybe I can be of help: 1. Women do not age to piss you off. Rubber bozo dolls do not age as quickly; try one of those. 2. They do not live to please you; they just live. Age and the changes in their bodies catch them off guard too and they cope. Some get surgeries; some are charming enough that they don't need them. 3. They probably care about quality of life and so they may take care of themselves. They love the feel of their muscles and are happy for the energy they feel and that clothes fit well. They are not competing in a contest for your approval. 4. You're not as charming or attractive as you think you are. A young hottie may want...a young hottie. 5. You're getting older too. Hopefully, you do not get prostate cancer and can no longer get an erection. Who's going to love you then in your sex-obsessed life? You wanted a nympho and now you can't deliver. Now what good are you? 6. We meet you "tittie" guys all the time and feel sorry for your stupid simpleness. You're all the same - hanging out drinking beer with other guys (not women) and getting all skanky and talking about "titties" and acting as if the women who cross your pathetic paths are in a beauty pageant for your assessment. Truth be told? We are happy when you are not attracted to us. REALLY, really happy. We know you are lousy companions with less than zero to offer to make an interesting daily relationship. Zzzzzzzzzz. You've stopped reading, haven't you? A 3-D woman with a brain is boring. And the young, wild "girls" no longer cry over you the way they did when you were a boy of summer or a teen idol. It's the Al Bundy syndrome. The really "lucky" men have known someone that was so intriguing and special that he's happy she's still breathing. A disfiguring car accident, disease, or old age cannot blind him to that irreplaceable soul he would never trade for anything. And, if she left too soon, he would gladly give his man parts to have her back again and spends nights hoping that it's possible to be with her again after his life is over. Being presented with a younger, cheaper imitation of the real thing is just not acceptable. And he's daring enough to stay true to that 'til the end of his life...he's not desperate. Maybe he meets someone new? Maybe not. Anyone new would have to be as interesting or more so. So, us aging broads get it. We just feel sorry for you that you have obviously missed a crucial developmental, quality stage of life and are forever trapped in Disneyland. Most of us outgrew that phase. Good luck with the hotties - may they never grow old or seem unsatisfyingly immature to you. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-23T03:46:52-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1184872154.html re: old bitches text Sick of showering alone with vodka martinis http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1184395871.html So I was in the shower this morning, having a vodka martini while washing my hair, and I thought "wouldn't it be great if I had a girl to do this for me?" I mean wash my hair, not drink the martini... I can do that myself... So after heading outside and kicking some homeless men so I could steal their change cups for cash, I popped into a Starbucks and ordered a non-fat soy chai latte, then had the barista stir it with her tongue. You didn't know Starbucks did that? Well you've probably never asked. Try it next time. I sat down and fired up my laptop, first browsing a couple porn sites to see if my sister was getting any work... then opened up Craigslist and started to write. So by this point of my profile, you probably want to shoot me in the kneecap with a small girly handgun... Let me give you some more ammunition... * While surfing in Africa last winter, I lied to my friend about which beaches had shark sightings then went to the worst one. I smeared his board with fish guts. Once he was attacked, I pulled him from the water... I'm a goddamn hero! * I've never stolen a car without returning it with a full tank of gas, two tickets to a hockey game, and a gently used handgun in the trunk. Juuuuuust kidding.... who can afford hockey tickets these days? Come to think of it, who can afford gas? * I know the difference between a fine kilo of pure Columbian yay, and a shopping bag full of icing sugar, so don't try and double cross me like my first four wives. * Everyone hates mimes... but not me. I respect someone who knows when to shut the fuck up. If we all did that, there'd be less war. Then again, if there was less war, Hollywood would start making more movies about teens trying to lose their virginity before college. I lost mine in grade 8 to my parent's chubby Greek cleaning lady... how come no one makes a movie about that? * My agent thinks I'm an asshole. Partially because I never pay her, partially because I keep getting her name wrong. I'm bad with names. If we sleep together, and I wake up and call you Betty, Sally, or Billy-Jo, don't be offended. I have the same problem with phone numbers, so if you wonder why I don't call... it's cause some nice family in the 'burbs is getting non-stop booty calls at 2am in your place. * Don’t worry about that though, as I never sleep with the same girl twice. You wouldn’t ask DaVinci to paint another copy of the Mona Lisa, would you? * I get mistaken for Tom Cruise almost everywhere I go. Not Tom Cruise the actor, Tom Cruise the assistant pottery teacher at Langley Highschool (go RiverRats!) Now, since guys online dating all seem to like to tell YOU what YOU should be like (don't you love that?), I'll do the same. * Don't be blonde. I’m bored of blondes in this town (like any of you are really blonde anyway... pfft... Grow some self-confidence and go back to your natural colour.) Sure blondes have more fun... but brunettes try harder, and I respect a woman who puts some effort in, and blondes just have it too easy. * I don't care where you live. I have a car. I like driving. Have some ice cream and pie waiting for me and I'll drive to Brossard (well... it'd have to be homemade pie if you live in Brossard.) * I’d prefer if you ARE married or have a boyfriend.... Look... I’m not going to sit around picking out new cutlery from a catalogue with you, or help you walk your tiny little dog. You should have a steady boyfriend or husband for that. I’m like a roller coaster, fun to ride by yourself (or preferably with your best friend!)... but terrible for trying to have a dinner party on! Well... that’s it for me. Smell ya later... PS. If I’ve piqued your curiosity, you should know that it’s Ok for you to email me. I won’t tell your friends, family, husbands, or boyfriends that you’ve been browsing Craigslist’s personals... and don’t you want to know if I just talk the talk, or walk the walk? PPS. Please include a photo of yourself, preferably in a dress, but failing that, underwear. And failing that, track pants and a dirty t-shirt always work. PPPS, Both my parole officer and my therapist have given me the thumbs up to date since "the bank incident". <ul> <li> Location: Montreal <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-22T19:21:53-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mon/1184395871.html Sick of showering alone with vodka martinis text Cabana Boy NEEDED - Start ASAP http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1184257283.html In general... on hot days like these we need some support while we relax out in the sun... Job Duties and Requirements: -Must be able to operate a blender -Must be experience with working iPod's -Good with oil and sunscreen -Must wear uniform -Must enjoy sun and water -Hand grape feedings necessary -Be willing work at moments notice This is an excellent position for anyone that needs to get a little Vitamin D and enjoy some sexy ladies' company. This is a non-paid internship, but the perks are excellent: drinks, company and laughs! Please send picture and measurements (don't be disgusting!). SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-22T14:45:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1184257283.html Cabana Boy NEEDED - Start ASAP text Tips for giving head http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1183264821.html I think that most guys are easy to please when it comes to sucking their cock. Sure, you might find yourself the occasional connoisseur, but generally if you go for quantity over quality you can't go wrong. But, if you want to blow his mind when you blow his cock, here's some tips. I've got most of my information from asking other people, both guys and girls, and I've included stuff I've learned in my experience as a cock-sucking slut! First of all, the general opinion seems to be that unless there's a pressing reason (like you're sucking off total strangers on a crowded train) it's preferable if you're naked. Particularly if you've got nice tits (and let's face it, boys are less fussy about the tits they can get in their bedroom than they are about the ones in porn), topless is almost a minimum requirement. There are a couple of advantages to being naked when you're giving a blowjob. Firstly, it's easier to clean up -- just rub anything that lands on you into your skin. Sure, you'll never get a nice Monica Lewinski-style souvenir, but at the same time you'll save money on dry cleaning. Secondly, it means easy access so you or he can play with your bits and pieces -- you'll both love it, more on this later. Now, obviously getting naked before giving head will decrease the spontaneity a bit. Spontaneity is something a lot of guys like, and I think there are a few reasons. Firstly, the idea that you can't wait to drink the cum straight out of him will probably drive your man wild. I remember watching in awe as my best friend dropped to her knees at a music festival once, her man loved it so much she only just got her mouth around his dick in time to swallow his load. I think a spontaneous blowjob also has a subtle psychological effect. If you randomly whip out his cock and suck him off, it will seem more likely to him that you'll do it again some time. So to put a bit of that spontaneity back in, you could try a couple of things that work for me. Obviously, you could take advantage of already being naked, if you're changing clothes or having a shower. Another thing I've found drives most men wild is to drop to your knees, start sucking on their cock, and then tear your clothes off. Finally, you could do a little bit of planning and be wearing something that will come off quickly and easily as you move toward his big, throbbing member. You could, of course, suck him off fully clothed every once in a while, some guys love it like that, some like to have a view. A very important facet of your blowjob is what I will, for want of a better word, call presentation. I've found that there's not much turns a man on more than the idea that you can't resist sucking on his dick. Paradoxically, a bit of teasing is also a big help, particularly if you're trying to make and impression. The old sucking on a prop trick is clichéd because it works -- don't be scared to use it. If there's nothing suitable readily available, suck on your finger. This is extremely effective if you do it in public. Just keep your eyes locked on his, so he knows the prop is standing in for his dick, not someone else's. In a similar vein, give him a big sloppy kiss and pretend his tongue is his dick. Suck it into your mouth and run your tongue over it. Some guys like this more than others. Once you get him alone with plenty of time, give him a show. You or he can take your clothes off, but if you want him to do it you might need to get it started to give him the idea -- men can be a bit slow sometimes! If you're a confident girl, give him a bit of a striptease, with or without music, finish up with a few sexy poses, then get out his dick and chow down. If you're a bit less outgoing, or you're shy, take your own clothes off, but do it slowly. One thing that used to help me was imagining your hands belong to someone else. Move a slowly as you can, turning occasionally. Caress your own skin like a lover should. A big teasing tip: remove your underwear with your back to him, but turn between bra and panties so he gets a look at your tits. Pinch your nipples a bit for him, I've never met a man that didn't work on. If you're insecure about your body, do all this with the lights low; guys have a pretty good imagination, so chances are he'll remember you looking sexier than you think. So now we're at the stage where you're naked and he's starting to go crazy with lust. You need to get over there and start sucking, and you can just do that directly if you want. This works well in terms of making him feel irresistible. I would recommend saying something like, "Get that big dick out, honey, I want to suck you dry," as you advance on him. Try to time it so your knees hit the floor as his cock pops out of his pants, that way it's more like a porn movie, and he'll love it. To keep things in your control, you need to keep him mesmerised, so I'd recommend slow and sexy movements. If he's standing I like to walk over to him, swaying my hips, and grab his belt. Pull him up against you, press your tits into his chest, and kiss him as you undo his pants. Get down on your knees as you push his undies down; kiss down his body if you want, I would recommend looking into his eyes. If he's sitting I like to crawl over to him. If he's on a chair I crawl all the way, but if he's on a bed I'll walk to the bed then crawl up to him. As you crawl, arch your back downward like a cat stretching. Try brushing your nipples on the floor. This leaves your ass sticking up in the air, and the crawling motion will make it sway enticingly. When you reach him, stop at his dick, give him a lustful look and start getting into his pants. This is the point at which you either whip him out and get going, or you turn the teasing up to eleven. I have driven guys wild by starting to blow them through their underwear (this works better with stretchy skin-tight undies than with loose silk boxers). Try giving him the impression that as much as you're teasing him, the self-denial is twice as bad for you. A girlfriend of mine likes to savour the smell as if it's a cigar. Do whatever you feel like, the important thing is you're teasing him to make it better, not to make his life miserable! How you proceed once you're face-to-face with his cock depends on what condition it's in. Young guys will be just about ready to cum, while old guys won't be hard yet (generally -- prepare to be surprised, it's part of the fun!). One thing I absolutely love is putting a flaccid dick in my mouth and feeling it swell up in there. I'll also pop the young guys straight in so that if they're going to lose it we can get the first one out of the way and start again. Otherwise I generally give the cock a bit of a tongue bath. I'd like to talk a bit about taste. Personally, I think cock tastes good. It doesn't have to be straight out of the shower, I don't mind if it's developed a bit of an aroma, within reason. If you pull it out of his pants and the smell beats you over the head take him off to the shower, give him a rinse, and continue there. Trust me, most guys will do anything for head, so he won't mind. Just try not to grimace or retch. You might find a man who wants you to lick things off him. Whipped cream and stuff is fine (although wash well to avoid smelling of cheese), no problems. Lots of guys like you to lick your pussy juices off them (assuming you're not using a condom, which means only in a trusting relationship once you've been tested -- very important), which is something I have no problem with. I would advise you to taste yourself on your own if you think you might do this -- just lick your fingers when you masturbate, and that way you won't surprise yourself. Some guys want to do the ass-to-mouth thing they've seen in porn. Leave this one in the videos, it's not worth the risk associated with ingesting your own shit. Finally, personally I hate the taste of latex, but I know some of my girlfriends don't mind it. I always use flavoured condoms for casual sex so he'll at least taste of chocolatey latex. So, we're up to licking his dick all over. Try to savour the experience, it'll turn him on even more if you're loving what you're doing. One important thing about cocks is that you can push them up (against his stomach), but it could hurt him if you push it down too hard (some guys love this, though). Most guys like it if you push their cock up against their stomach and lick the underside of it. You can move down and lick their balls (gently!), and I go a bit lower to lick the perineum. This is where if you are into it, and don't mind the risk, you can give your man's ass a bit of a licking. Usually at this point you've got one hand lifting his cock by the tip, and the other's not really doing much, which leads us to the question of what to do with your hands. If you're lucky enough to have a big man, your hands will be very useful because they will be the only way to stimulate the base of his dick. Wrap your hand around his shaft and pump the bit you can't fit into your mouth. You can do the same thing if you want to concentrate on his head with your lips and tongue. If you're at a loss, you could always play with yourself. I've sucked a lot of guys who loved to look down and see me sucking hard on their cock while I tweaked and pulled both my nipples. If you're planning to blow this guy again, be sure to show him the wet spot you leave behind because you got so turned on sucking on his big, beautiful, hard cock. By now you should have a big, hard cock in your mouth (you lucky thing!) and your man's full attention. As far as I can tell, the consensus seems to be that sloppy is better. Make sure you're not dehydrated before you start so you can generate spit -- you want to leave a shiny layer all over him. He'll love the idea that you drool at the thought of sucking him off, and I'm told it feels better. This is also an area where fingering yourself gives you an advantage -- just use your own juices to lube him up, supplementing his precum and your saliva. You might have seen in porn (or maybe real life, who knows?!) girls spitting at cocks. This is something I personally find a bit weird, but if a guy asked for it I'd do it. What I find sexier is nestling him between my boobs and sort of dribbling on him. Anything that misses I just wipe from my tits onto his cock. Speaking of this kind of thing, I've been with guys who've asked for a titfuck, and I'm usually happy to oblige. I think with this kind of thing the turn-on is more visual than anything else, so be sure to look up at him with your sexy eyes and make a real show of sliding your boobs over his hard-on. Rather than waste saliva on this (it's hard to make enough) I recommend you get some lube. If it doesn't make you feel silly, a bit of dirty talking wouldn't go astray. One thing I do like is rubbing the cock over my nipples. In fact I love to tell a man how wonderful his cock is as I rub it over my skin -- face, tits, nipples, through my hair. I think it's because it feels a bit naughty. On the subject of talking, I have this to say: if you can talk to the guy, it's not a blowjob. Your mouth should be full most of the time. Don't get me wrong, handjobs are great, especially at the end. I love to watch a dick twitch and pump a big load of cum at me, watch it fly towards me, and feel it splatter on my skin. If you're giving head, however, there needs to be lots of contact between your mouth and his dick. If you want to talk to him, do it between deep sucks of his cock. For example, ask him how it feels, then bury him in your mouth while he groans his ecstatic response, then pop him out again and tell him you love it too. Also, give him the impression talking is secondary to sucking by not answering him immediately. If he asks you a yes/no question, don't even take him out of your mouth, just answer with an "Uh-huh" with your mouth full. In terms of incoherent noises, I would advise you not to fake sexual pleasure -- most guys won't buy it if you fake an orgasm while blowing them. If you do want to make some sort of moan, think more of eating a delicious chocolate dessert rather than being skilfully fingered. Of course, if you're going to cum for real, just let it out, and if you are playing with yourself (or he's playing with you), respond to that too. The noises he really wants to hear are the ones that show how hard you're working -- the sucking, slurping, popping noise of a girl trying as hard as she can to drink her man's cum! If you talk to him, don't be too clever -- remember most of his blood's not in his brain anymore! When I first see his cock I like to complement it -- tell him it's big, hot, hard, beautiful, whatever's not too blatant a lie. If you really can't complement its appearance, give it a good licking or sucking and then tell him it's delicious. In fact, tell him that regardless. During the course of the blowjob you can reinforce the message by repeating it. You could also tell him how much you love what you're doing, or how turned on you are (don't lie about this -- he might check). If this is just stage one of the lovemaking, tell him what you look forward to doing next. If he's a stranger you've picked up, you could tell him you never do this but you find him irresistible. At the end, it's usually a good idea to give the guy permission and encouragement. It's nice to let him know you want to swallow, or take it on your face, or whatever. If there's something you don't want, tell him you do want something else, so instead of, "Don't you dare cum in my mouth, you perve," go for, "I want it all over my tits, you big stud." If you don't want the cum on you, tell him you want to watch it shoot, then point his dick past you. As far as technique goes, I think it comes pretty naturally. You're mimicking intercourse using your mouth, essentially. The difference is teeth, tongue, and the "fact" that good girls don't do it. Lots of guys are freaked out by teeth in blowjobs, some guys like it. You could ask, but I prefer to let him ask me for it. Generally, just use your teeth either to scrape gently over the shaft, or to kind of grip the head at the back and pull, once again, gently! The tongue is a whole other matter. You need to use it. I don't have a tongue piercing because I like my teeth and don't want them chipped or ground down, but apparently this really does make a difference. Your tongue should slither around him, wrapping itself around the head, sliding along the shaft. Your technique will vary depending on the length of your tongue. A favourite among guys seems to be sticking your tongue out to lick his balls while his dick is buried in your mouth, but unless he's miniscule you'll need to control your gag reflex. Now, guys love going down your throat, which is something I blame on porn. I personally have a gag reflex, so I can't do the relentless throat-fucking thing you see in movies, and I don't think there's anything sexy about puking. If you are with someone who wants to make you throw up, make sure you get most of it on him. This deep-throat thing is ok as long as you're in control, though. Once again, probably because it feels naughty, it can be a real turn-on to go as far down a cock as you can. I think guys actually prefer it if you gag a little bit, pop up for air, then dive straight back onto them, rather than either the professional "I can do this all night" thing or if you go too hard and spend minutes coughing. If a guy grabs your head and you're not one of those girls who likes that, or if you don't trust this particular guy, take his hands and move them down to your nipples. Then suck him as deep and as hard as you can to show there's no hard feelings. If you're still at a loss as far as technique goes, get some porn and try anything you see that you like. What's even more fun is to get some porn, then watch it with your man and give him what he sees on screen (maybe a good idea to check the movie on your own first to avoid nasty surprises!). Guys love it if you can give them exactly the same rhythm and action as the slut on screen. After doing your thing for a while, he'll be getting ready to unload for you. If you're a bit inexperienced and can't tell, he'll start to do something different -- lots of guys start to thrust at you, which means they want you to use their rhythm rather than yours so go with that; some guys go still, so basically don't let that freak you out; some guys start talking more, or get less coherent and more grunty. If he starts saying, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum," over and over, he's probably a little way off and needs some help, which you can provide by popping him out of your mouth and begging for a big load! You'll learn to read the signs pretty easily -- when he cums, his pelvic muscles all squeeze up to shoot the semen out of him and this means his balls will lift up and his shaft will twitch. Then you'll find yourself with a jet of spunk to deal with, and you should think about how you're going to do that well before it happens. Personally, I think cum tastes fantastic -- I'd buy it in bottles if I could -- so obviously I have no problem swallowing it. If you do, I suggest two things. First of all, catch it on your skin, then rub it in -- it's sexy without you needing to taste it. Secondly, try to acquire a taste for it, because there are some fun places you can blow a man where you don't want to leave a mess (your car, for example). Some guys want to cum on you (usually face or tits after a blowjob), which might be their way of marking you or something. Whatever it is, there's not much reason not to let them if you're in private. If you're in public (or about to be), maybe consider just how bad the consequences could be, although chances are people won't really notice much. One of the sexiest things I've ever done was to blow a random guy first thing in the morning at university, have him wipe his dick in my hair, and then walk around all day being able to smell the faint aroma of cock in my hair. None of my girlfriends commented, so I assume they didn't notice, but I was so turned on I had to go and buy some more panties at lunchtime. To give a man the best of both worlds, do one of these, then the other. Either have him cum on you, then scoop it up and eat it, or collect his cum in your mouth and dribble it all over yourself. I have a friend who likes to "accidentally on purpose" get a few dribbles on her clothes to make herself look and feel more slutty. Once you finish, don't forget to thank him -- he'll thank you, but won't expect thanks back. If he's a regular of yours tell him you have so much fun you need to do it more often. If he's more of a one-off thing tell him you'd love to do it again. I hope all this helps. Please remember to be safe, and that nobody has the right to force you to do something you don't want to do. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-22T04:27:30-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1183264821.html Tips for giving head text Free, Free, Free!!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1182988320.html Ever want a good quality stump you can rest your feet on, relax on, or even eat on? Then we have the best item FOR FREE just for you. Today only come and get your free, newly removed stump. You even get the dirt attached for NO CHARGE. Just cant get any better than this. Please let everyone have a chance for this, serious inquries only. Have a great day, have fun and keep shopping on Craigslist! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="1182988320.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-21T20:44:01-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1182988320.html Free, Free, Free!!!! text Re: What I want in a woman........ - 45 (Western Carolina) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1182084422.html Sorry for the late response. By now, you may actually have found someone out there who’s perfect for you. If not, I thought I’d give it a shot. • Can go hiking in the morning, looks good in a ball cap with her hair pulled through the whole in the back and still be able to attend a formal dinner that night Hiking I’m down with, though I never, ever wear ball caps. I’m also perfectly flexible with where I go so I can easily change from hiking to formal dinners. As a thought though, you should consider the poor girls who are only going hiking for your sake, come back with their feet covered in blisters, and are then expected to don heels and go out all night to some formal dinner. High expectations? • Knows the difference between an offensive guard, tackle and tight end Ha, I have no clue. Are you really going to strike out an amazing girl because she doesn’t know football terms? • Knows the difference between the NFC and AFC I believe those terms are football related as well. National and American football league? I had someone give me the answer so I bet I’m right. But does it count if I had to ask someone else? Or is it ok since I’m obviously trying to learn? • Cares about what she eats but is not so hung up on her diet that she can’t enjoy hot wings, a good pig pick’in and an ice cold beer You are disgusting. Maybe you should just date a guy. He might be really into all of that. • Is as comfortable sitting in a dive bar on the beach as she is sitting next to me in church Well, you sound incredibly religious…dive bars? If she’s that comfortable in church, I doubt she’ll be super comfortable in a dive bar. Personally, I wouldn’t take you up on either. I’m not religious, likely a turn-off for you, and I’d rather go somewhere other than a dive bar likely surrounded by perverts and desperate guys. (Much like yourself it sounds like). • Enjoys working in the yard and creating something that’s nice and enjoyable Well damn. Couldn’t this have been listed in a “likes outdoors” category? Possibly listed with hiking. Or are they that different? But hey, I might have finally gotten one right! I’m definitely a big fan of plants. I name them, that ok? • Can find the joy in any small child ANY small child? Even the snot-nosed brats that now roam the playgrounds, trampling everything in their paths and stealing the swings? I don’t think so. Maybe you should have left out the word “any.” I can’t believe any women could find joy in absolutely any small child unless the clock is ticking like crazy. Is that what you’re looking for? Maybe you should have specified that. • Enjoys and exemplifies her femininity through clothes, light make up and manicured hands and pedicured toes Man, what happened to the guys that liked the whole “natural look.” Damn you media for letting me believe that for so long. Guess I’ll have to start wearing makeup again. Total bummer. Also, I’m not sure how well that pedicure is going to hold up if she’s hiking all day. And that manicure won’t look so hot after she’s been out in the garden all day planting whatever it was you wanted. Does she also have to be feminine on the hike or just at the formal event? Ball caps don’t usually scream feminine to me but they seem to be a pre-req. Maybe a pink one would suit your fancy. • Has cute feet I for one do not have cute feet. Want to know why? I’ll tell you. It’s because I love hiking and running and walking around barefoot and really anything outside that gets me moving. It’s killer on the feet. You can’t have it both ways. • Has the ability to make me feel like she has been waiting for me all day, just to walk through the door Sounds like you want a puppy. Would you really want a woman who has no life and waits for you to come home every single day. Scene: You: “Hi honey, how was your day?” Her: “Oh, it was horrible. I waited and waited for you to come home.” You: “Well did you do anything fun today?” Her: “Of course not, I was waiting for you to come home so you could entertain me.” Repeat the following day. • Truly loves Jesus and understands what that means You crack me up. Also, you truly sound like you know what that means. You’re superficial and you sound completlely arrogant to be able to demand these things from someone. And what’s up with the dive bar? Did Jesus frequent dive bars? If he did, I doubt it was to pick up chicks, which is what I’m assuming you’re doing. • Who prays earnestly Shall I pray for you to stop making the male race look so incredibly stupid? • Understands that sex is not a weapon that should be used to prove a point or to be withheld for any reason Sounds like you’re bitter about an ex girlfriend. Did she withhold sex because you were an arrogant prick? Bet you deserved it. • Understands that sex is…….. to be performed between only two people who commit their lives to one another in the sight of God! Oh, so you’re waiting until marriage? Or does God make exceptions for you? Guess it won’t work out for us…I definitely didn’t wait. I hope God was at least entertained. • Understands that sex……..can and should be performed in many different ways and positions. NOTHING absolutely NOTHING is taboo You sound like you have some knowledge of this subject. See above comment. Nothing is taboo? Just wait… Oh, you meant none of your fantasies are taboo. What about all of hers? Better hope she isn’t too out there… • Understands that men love oral sex……. Its just the way it is! She should love doing it and look for opportunities to surprise me with it I would like to add that women do too. You have to give it to get it. • Loves to dress up a pair of jeans with high heels (especially those little open toed ones) and a nice blouse Anything non superficial? I’ll wear that if you wear a nice button up shirt and a pair of jeans that makes your ass look really really hot. And those shoes I like. I hope I’m allowed to ask for that…you did. • Is beautiful inside and out I’m guessing you actually mean hot though so I’ll give you measurements. You can decide whether or not I meet the qualifications. 5’8”, 123(ish) pounds, shoulder length brown hair, and I’m a runner so you know I’ve got great legs. I’m a size 5 jeans. My bra size is 34B. Does that cut it? Am I hot enough for you? Bet I’d make you look good. It certainly wouldn’t be the other way around. • Puts family first…….. immediate family or extended family Sorry, I can’t go out with you tonight, I’m meeting my mom for dinner. Nope, can’t do Friday either, I’m meeting my second cousin. Saturday is booked. I’m taking my step-cousin, once removed, to the mall, then I’m meeting up with my uncle for a movie. Maybe I can squeeze you in between my aunt Selma and my cousin Fred on Tuesday afternoon around 3. You free? • Understands that you can’t choose your family you can only choose your friends Also, you can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. Though in this day and age, you could. Just take them to get plastic surgery. • Actually has close friends. Is it ok if I put them before you on a regular basis? Or should I wait at home for you to come home twiddling my thumbs instead? • Understands that seeing old friends is a good thing. Even if its old girlfriends ( I’m with you, not them, get over it) Bitter much? You can see your ex girlfriends if I can hang out with all of my ex boyfriends when you aren’t around and without your knowledge. • Likes to spoon in bed as much as she does like to sleep apart or just touch feet So she’s open to doing whatever? Could have just said that. • That taking a shower together is one of the greatest ways to start the day Is this a subtle hint that you want sex in the morning or do you just really like cleanliness? It is after all next to godliness. • Enjoys creating a new meal together. Starting on a Saturday morning going to the store and shopping for the food, preparing the food Saturday afternoon and then eating it with a glass of wine….. all day, together. No other agenda. How am I going to stay in shape if the whole day is focused on food? This does not compute. • Doesn’t have to know how to build things, but at least has no problem holding the other end of the board for me. At this point, I’d happily hold the board for you and use it to slap you in the face. You down? Or can I be the one to hold the hammer and you the board? • Won’t freak out when she comes home and I have all of the bedroom furniture in the living room and I’m repainting the walls because Home Depot had a sale on paint. Instead, she says “I’ll order a pizza and change clothes and help”. Knowing that the color may not be perfect, but who cares……its only paint! Oh, so she gets absolutely no input into what happens in her own home. That shows that you really respect her and her input. Nice. • Can sit around and watch a good tv show (although, good tv shows are few and far between) If there are so few, you should probably have specified what you mean. It’s doubtful you’d agree with her choice of shows. I’d like to watch CNN and Gilmore Girls reruns. I think they’re both excellent. • Understands that hard work should be rewarded with good pay. I agree. Also, women should receive the same salaries men do. • Understands that the guy digging the ditch may work “harder” than the guy in the pickup truck who is watching him, but understands that the guy in the pickup truck is the one who is taking all the risks……. Who had to estimate, bid, negotiate, plan, put fuel in the trucks, pay taxes and do all the billing just to make sure the guy in the ditch has a job. I’m incredibly confused by this statement you arrogant prick. Yes, putting fuel in a truck is risky business. I’m sure he really appreciates the risk you’ve taken. I don’t think you could hack it at doing manual labor. • Does not believe in socialism I am a hardcore socialist. • Understands that there is nothing wrong with finding ways to live “greener” and protect our environment and leave as little of a carbon footprint as possible, but who also understands that the Gov. shouldn’t shove this down my throat through regulations but achieves the goal through incentives. So can we raise taxes to pay for these incentives? Or should we cut funding for the war to pay for these incentives? Or are you more of a cut funding for education type? Not attractive. • Likes dogs and cats I love animals. Can I bring all 22 of my cats when I come to visit just to prove my point? • Likes a real fire not the gas log things I hope you have a real fireplace and not a display kind. • Can wear a skirt, a dress, jeans, shorts or a bathing suit….. depending on the situation. Although, she may not look perfect in any or all of them, doesn’t worry about it because I think she’s hot I know you’d think I’m hot. But would you really be ok with any woman wearing a bathing suit. You better add in some other superficial requirements before you write that. Also, do I get to specify what you wear on any given occasion or is that entirely the man’s prerogative? • Shaves her legs regularly All the way up or just to the knees? • Shaves other places regularly I will if you’ll manscape. • Enjoys vacationing at the beach, the mountains, or an amusement part. I love a good roller coaster. ‘Bout time you got one thing right. • Likes to give a slow methodical hand job right after she gets her nails done. (Hot pink, whore red, or French) are my favorite. Only if I can use my nails the whole time. I think I’ll get them pointy. Don’t worry, they’ll still be whore red. • Has good teeth and a great smile Check and check. I hope you floss and don’t have coffee stains on yours. • Can listen to country music, rock and roll, jazz or Christian or old dance music and enjoy them Can listen to screamo, punk, metal, techno… Don’t worry, I can listen to anything. Can you? • Who likes to work out and stay in shape I believe this has been covered. I’ll run, you try to keep up. • Can flirt with me from across a crowded room and no one ever know it You won’t even know it buddy ‘cause it’s not happening. In your dreams maybe. • Is willing and desires to sneak off after flirting for a “quickie” Guess you don’t want a proper young lady. Also, God might not approve of such shenanigans. • Would be willing to drive 100 miles to see an ol’ drive in movie I’d much prefer for you to do the driving. I’ll stay behind. 100 miles between us sounds like an excellent idea. • Doesn’t have any hang-ups about my facial hair. The winter comes, I might grow it, I might not, I might have a goatee, I might not So I have to shave everything and you get to grow a beard? I don’t do facial hair. I’ll shave my legs if you shave your face. • Understands that I’m going to keep my hair short….. I’m not going to color it, I’ve worked hard for the gray hair I have…. It shows experience Can I have gray hair too or is that unacceptable for a woman? • Can sew a button on a shirt and iron it Iron your own clothes. • Likes to have the door opened for her, car door, store door any door As opposed to having it closed in our faces? Why thank you for being so considerate. • Understands that I’m going to do everything I can to keep gas in your car. I know you can do it yourself…. But you shouldn’t have to Sounds like I can finally get that Hummer I’ve had my eye on. Glad to hear you’ll fill it up for me. • Knows how to give and receive a good massage I can definitely give a good one but knows how to receive a good massage? Do I have to do more than sit there and enjoy it? Oh, I know. You want sex after. • Would like it if I took her shopping, helped her pick out clothes for her, waited for her to try them on…..just dote on her all day long….. making her feel special I would not feel special if trapped in a mall all day. I’d much rather be outside or at least somewhere not spending gobs of money. And I can pick out my own clothes thank you. • Understands that her Daddy will always be her Daddy….. but I’m her man No worries, I’m not going to fuck my daddy. I get the difference. • Will NEVER dress in a little girl outfit for sexual purposes. Little girls are special and should never be looked upon in that way Pedophile? • WILL dress for me in other ways…………. Let me just go grab my French maid’s outfit. You better have something equally alluring though. • Still gets excited on Christmas morning I don’t do holidays. Bummer for you I guess. • Understands that Christmas time includes the decorations, stockings (for everyone) and a REAL tree. I don’t care how much it costs I want a real tree Even the dog? I bet Scruffy would like a stocking. Also, I prefer fake so I don’t have to kill a tree every year. • Understands that Christmas ornaments should have meaning. They should be made by children or be gifts. Did you keep all of the ornaments you made in Sunday school? And can I really not hang an ornament for the sole reason of finding it pretty? • Also understands that any ornament a child makes is PERFECT regardless of what it looks like Damn, sounds like your clock is ticking now. • Will leave me alone when I’m in the bathroom Really? But I wanted to come in and watch you take a shit. • Is not a lesbian ( I know it’s the “in” thing but NOOOOO) No worries, you aren’t even going to get any desperate, straight girls with this kind of ad. • Can be a biker babe for a weekend As in wear the stretchy tight pants or bike 50 miles? • Believes that when a person dies, they should be buried not cremated Burials are a waste of space and bad for the environment. I’d rather just be stuck in the ground, but seeing as how that isn’t an option in this society, I’ll go for cremation. Or maybe I’ll donate my body to science. • Truly looks forward to “date night”. Did you truly plan “date night” or are we going out somewhere last minute in the hopes that I’ll be so appreciative that you took time out of your busy day that I’ll give you a blow job later. • Likes to watch me work out Can I work out too or just sit and watch? • Understands that I’m going to drive a truck and likes it I’ll like it if you’ll offer to help me move. • Wants me to tell her to sit next to me in my truck I don’t want to be told to do anything. Do you want a doormat for a girlfriend. Or maybe a puppy? I really think you should just get a dog. • Understands that I’m going to wear boots and jeans most of the time But I have to wear heels? That seems fair. • Also understands that I’m multifaceted…. I own, hiking boots, casual dress up shoes, formal dress up shoes, soccer shoes, softball shoes, flip flops, walking shoes, running shoes, casual everyday shoes You spent money on walking shoes? Can I laugh now? Yes, your shoe selections definitely shows just how multifaceted you are. • Understands that having sex regularly is not once or twice a week We’ll have to talk about that. Maybe we can set up some sort of a schedule. Or do you like spontaneity? • Is not afraid of business ventures and gets excited about new business opportunities How about the business ventures that take me out of town for the weekends with my sexy coworkers? Those sound like fun. • Likes to renovate old houses As long as you’re the one handling the upstairs floor with all the holes in it. I’d much rather see you fall through the ceiling. • Would stop on the side of the road and pick up an ol wandering mutt or kitten I move turtles, does that count? Has anyone ever posted pictures of their lost pet after you decided to pick it up off the side of the road? • Who doesn’t use the term “get at me” when referring to calling or contacting someone I’ve never even considered it. I just hope you don’t use the term “Git-r-done.” • Who understands and can speak the English language. Well, she read this far. That’s pretty good. • Who would rather receive a card or flowers on an average day then expect them on Valentine’s Day. Anyone can give gifts on the day they are expected but its special when its not expected I agree. Just promise not to get mad when I tell you I don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day. • Who knows how to tend to plants and likes to plant gardens and flowers You already said that. • Who absolutely knows and enjoys the fact that she is the most important thing in my life…… because she will be treated as such Please, get a hobby. Also, I neglected to mention the first three attributes you mentioned… 1) A chef in the kitchen 2) A maid for cleaning the house 3) and a whore in the bedroom! I’m flattered. I bet all women are. I can cook and I’m good at it but it’s a lot more fun if the guy cooks too. Otherwise, you might as well hire someone. Or maybe you could go back to your mother’s house. To the other two, do you really expect women to respond to an ad where you call her a maid? What, do you just come home from work and put your feet up and expect her to come home and clean up all of your messes? You disgust me. And I hope you aren’t still expecting sex after all of this. I hope you’re still a virgin because otherwise I feel bad for every woman who has ever made the mistake of sleeping with you. Out of curiosity, are you God? Because really, only someone who’s completely perfect should be able to make all of these demands of a woman. And you don’t just make tons of demands…sorry, expectations, most of what you list is entirely superficial. I’ll admit to having my own list, but it includes things more like “challenges me” and “motivated,” not “looks good in a ball cap” and has “pedicured toes.” I just want to give you some idea of what a real person might actually be like. Maybe you should rework your list accordingly. After reading this, I’ve realized that I’m the antithesis of your perfect women. I’d like to think all guys out there aren’t like you. If they are, I give up. Good luck with the whole desperation thing. Totally not attractive. <ul> <li> Location: Asheville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-21T13:03:43-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1182084422.html Re: What I want in a woman........ - 45 (Western Carolina) text hot homeless guy with beard and shaggy hair http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/1182062727.html you're young, hot, and homeless. you look to be about 20-25. you have brownish red shaggy hair and a nice beard. i could tell you were homeless because you were eating chips off the ground and you had urine soaked filthy pants on. i've always had a thing for the "starving artist" types and your homeless ruggedness is hot. i have seen you sleeping in one of the bus stops near public square. if you ever steal a laptop or break into a library or someone's home to use their computer, i hope you read this. ~Brittany R. <ul> <li> Location: downtown cleveland <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-21T12:52:41-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/1182062727.html hot homeless guy with beard and shaggy hair text Mow our lawn for a date! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1181466826.html Hey boys… ‘tis the season for lawn mowing and new love. These are the only two things missing in my life. First order of the business: the lawn. Our small front lawn, and largish back lawn have grown out of control after all the rain we have had as of late. It’s about 1.5 feet tall, and growing taller by the second. We are four lovely ladies lacking a lawn mower. This is where you come in. Second order of business: you and me. I’m a sexy young 20 something lady offering a date (my treat) in exchange for a mowed lawn. We will also offer homemade baked goods to sweeten the deal. However this lawn may be more than you can handle alone. For this reason, my sultry single roommate has graciously agreed to offer the same deal for your friend who helps you out with the task. Let’s go on a double date! You are also welcome to mow the lawn on your own, and pick a lucky friend to come on the date. Who knows, maybe one date could turn into two (lawn mowing optional *wink wink*) Serious inquiries only, we need this lawn mowed, BYOLawnMower!!! No photos of your weedwhacker please. <ul> <li> Location: Eastside <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-20T22:45:36-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1181466826.html Mow our lawn for a date! text 1986 toyota camry custom http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1181323797.html 1986 toyota camry custom made with heavy duty cardboard body kit runs good fast and fun custom cardboard hoodscoop and rear spoiler for super aerodynamic 15 inch chrome rims comes with pink sandle air freshner for odor control flame and dragon decals <img src="1181323797.1.jpg"> <img src="1181323797.2.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: tolleson <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-20T20:04:46-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1181323797.html 1986 toyota camry custom text Why there's no "real women" on Casual Encounters - w4mm http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1181045051.html Guys, seriously. I'm tired of reading Casual Encounters ads, when I'm trying to get laid just as much as you are, and all I see are whiny "Bawwww there's no real women on here PS anyone wanna hook up" posts. Here's what you need to do to entice girls into fucking you: 1. State your age. I hate opening up ads and seeing nothing about old you are. Some of us aren't into guys old enough to be our fathers. Some of us aren't into jailbait. 2. Describe yourself. Just saying you have a penis and you want something to put it in isn't nearly enough. How tall are you? Are you black, white, Asian, spotted, what? What colour is your hair? Your eyes? Are you a bodybuilder type, or are you a swimmers-build kind of guy? 3. As nice as your cock is, it isn't the first thing we want to see. If I click on an ad with "pic" next to it, at least show me who'll be sticking it in me. Cocks all start to look the same after a while, you know? Sure, yours is the greatest I've ever had, really--but let's wait until email #2 to see your package. I'm more interested in seeing your face. 4. Don't bitch about bots/scammers/etc. You're going to get those responses anyway, it comes with the territory. 5. We don't expect you to be perfect, so cut us some slack, too. It's nice that you only want to fuck supermodels but there's not that many in Calgary, so saying things like "no fatties allowed you hambeasts" isn't really doing yourself a favour. 6. Women are people, too. Try to remember this when prowling Craigslist for tail. If you can't handle the real responses and emotions involved in consensual sex, try looking in Erotic Services instead to meet your needs. 7. Please, for the love of God, try and respect your mother tongue. The Internet is text-based, so my first impression of you is going to be how you write. Proper grammar, spelling, punctuation, "lol" used as a verb....you wouldn't wear torn sweatpants on a date, would you? This is the same kind of thing. It may seem picky, but women like these sorts of things. Brain cells = sexy. Happy hunting, all! <ul> <li> Location: Calgary <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-20T17:26:50-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1181045051.html Why there's no "real women" on Casual Encounters - w4mm text Cute Stool Sample Nurse - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sat/1180839211.html On April 8th, I came out from the restroom in your office on Blanco at Bitters and you were sitting there, half-hidden by the frosted sliding glass window. Sandy blonde hair, purple scrubs, sitting at the desk with that cute smile that some orthodontist must have been very proud of. I handed you my sample cautiously. It was slumped to the side of the clear container, slightly smeared and mushed at the top from where I had to break it off to fit the lid on the jar. You gave me a cute grin and asked the silly phrase "Did everything come out OK?", to which I stuttered out a broken 'yes'. It felt like an eternity as I stood there, mesmerized, before I realized that it was just plain awkward. I promptly left the office in embarrassment and thought of you for most of that evening, graciously accepting my excretions, smiling while doing so. I have been back but have not seen you there. I made an appt. for problems with diarrhea and when you weren’t there, I took the cup home, in hopes of bringing it back at a time when you, and your beautiful smile, were present. I wish I could find a different, and less embarrassing, affliction to be treated for, but your head physician specializes in that type of diagnosis. If you read this, and felt same connection I did, please email me back. <ul> <li> Location: San Antonio <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-20T16:10:46-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sat/1180839211.html Cute Stool Sample Nurse - m4w text 155' Car/Passenger Ferries http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1180482167.html WEb Address: www.harlowmarine.com - email: sales@harlowmarine.com Listing # MV 445 & MV444 Price: $1,100,000.00 CDN$ each Condition of sale: as-is-where-is Type: Twin Screw – Double ended Ferry Size: 155 x 40 x 9.0 Gross Tonnage: 355.04 Class: CSI HT II (minor waters) - current Flag: Canadian Built: 1972 Builder: Vancouver Shipyard Co. Ltd. Location: Fraser River, BC Canada Speed: reported at 10 Knots Power: 2 x Cat 3406 - 650 BHP (hrs not known – new in 2008) Emissions: engine exhaust has a catalytic converter to reduced emissions. Gear: Twin Disc 5114 Auxiliary: 2 x Deutz Generators 25KVA Steering: Hydraulic Prop: 40” x 33” - open wheel Drives: 2 x Ulstien Drives - model 370H Construction: all steel Vehicle Capacity: 26 vehicles Passenger Capacity: 150 passengers Fuel Capacity: 3,000 gals Water: 1,000 gals Lube: 500 gals Equipment: 2 x radar & 2 x VHF radios Availability: August 1, 2009 Remarks: Hull and cabin reported in very good condition. Vessel has operated in fresh water system since 1985. This is an exclusive to Harlow Marine. An immediate inspection can be arranged through our office. Details believed correct but not guaranteed. <img src="ferry.png"> <ul> <li> Location: Vancouver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-20T10:55:11-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1180482167.html 155' Car/Passenger Ferries text $30/hour: Personal Introduction Assistant / "wingwoman" http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1179876392.html We have an opening for a part-time personal introduction assistant, aka a "wingwoman." You must be classy and dress well. Beyond that you must be able to do 4 things: 1) start conversations with beautiful women; 2) after that, remain totally silent, unless spoken directly to, but smile and look friendly while the man you are "winging" orchestrates the social situation; 3) socialize and block any man or woman attempting to interfere with the man you are winging and any woman he is chatting with; and 4) end any conversation you are having instantly at the direction of the man you are winging. These requirements are essential, not for everyone, and difficult to do well. Now, this is a job (that's why you get paid), but it's very fun, and you may even make new friends, or even meet someone special, if it doesn't interfere with your primary employment purpose. This job is not for you if you are uptight, frumpy, grumpy, shy, a man-hater, a debbie downer, a critic, a control freak, a pouter, a therapist, researching, writing an article, with the press, a prostitute, an escort, a relationship counselor, or a feminist with a bone to pick. Gack. You must be 18, usually 21 for the events we attend. All work is in public at cocktail parties, charity benefits, museum openings, and the like. You will be added to any list in advance, and any fees for the event will be paid. You are responsible for transportion. Subways are $2. Although many events have free food and drink, this isn't dating, so don't ask to be bought anything. If you do ask, by mistake, don't be grumpy and bring the mood down when the answer is a polite no, or you will be paid for the time you have spent and politely sent packing. This job is definitely for you if you are easygoing, classy, dress extremely well, and enjoy many, varied, and sometimes challenging social situations. Our roster of full-time wingwomen is full, but we do have a part-time opening. Yes we are serious. Yes we are real. You might even have the time of your life. Fan mail, hate mail, and non-responsive replies will not receive answers, so save us both the time and don't bother. Please respond with a photo and contact information to the craigslist email in this ad. Thank you for your time. <ul> <li> Compensation: $30/hour <li> This is a part-time job. <li> This is a contract job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-20T06:42:14-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1179876392.html $30/hour: Personal Introduction Assistant / "wingwoman" text The Semantics of Casual - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1179719647.html I don't know what the "casual" in "casual encounters" means. It seems to mean "lets fuck kthanxbai" (perhaps not the OED definition, but still, in spirit) and I currently don't have a use for that. Something dirty and quick seems exciting, sure, but I could get drunk in a bar and snag someone with ease, and then wake up the next morning fuzzy on the details of what happened, who this person is or if I even enjoyed myself, and then count the hours til Target opens so I can buy new sheets and a soda-pretzel combo. I like casual as in, informal. Relaxed. I don't want to marry you, but I'd like to get to know you. I'd like to like you, as a person. I'd like to be attracted to you without beer goggles, and I'd like you to be attracted to me without them as well. I'd like be comfortable with you, to ease into sex with you, and then make it a regular thing that we both enjoy. I'd like there to be honesty and openness and fun and laughter. Just, you know. Naked, sometimes. This is sounding a little girl-friend-y. Maybe these are silly things to be looking for, in this section. I'd like to sleep in your bed and warm your sheets, but I won't steal your shirts or leave my toothbrush. I want to kiss you on the mouth, but I don't care if you sleep with other girls or if you leave the toilet seat up. What is that? A friend with benefits? Super low key dating? Consistent naked exercise? Is that casual, do you think? <ul> <li> Location: Carrboro <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="1179719647.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-20T00:18:23-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1179719647.html The Semantics of Casual - w4m text Threesome with my Realdoll - mw4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mne/1175913837.html If you don’t know what a Realdoll is, either look it up or you should probably just move on. For those that are aware, I’ll give you the stats on my girl: Gabrielle has a Face 16, Body 5, she is about 4’10”, lighter skin tone, black hair, trimmed pubic hair, and 32 E breasts. She is a hottie in every sense of the word. If you are serious about this, we would like to hear from you. You must be respectful of both Gabrielle and myself. Neither of us have ever had a threesome before, so this will be new to both of us. Also, she isn’t the most cooperative girl as far as positioning goes – although she is tiny, she is quite heavy. Perhaps with another guy present, it would open up additional possibilities. I’m not as picky as she is, so it would probably help your chances if you addressed your messages to her She would love to hear your basic info and any thoughts/ideas for our threesome. She has several outfits she could wear for us. <ul> <li> Location: portland <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-17T20:51:22-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mne/1175913837.html Threesome with my Realdoll - mw4m text F*** my job, super-fantastic moving sale/travel fundraiser bonanza! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1173373432.html <h1>Everything must go...even my Festivus pole...</h1> I've had enough...corporate rat race, high rent, car payments, suicidal traffic...I want out, and I don't want to wait until I'm 65 to retire (maybe, if all goes 'well') just so I can get on a cruise ship with a bunch of 65 year old retirees (no offence to any 65 year olds or retirees). So, I'm "thinking outside the box" and selling everything I own (almost), quitting my high paying yet soul destroying job, cashing out my (meager) investments and traveling the world now, while I'm still young enough to enjoy it...before I bludgeon myself to death with an unresponsive laptop. I might be out of my mind (I'm pretty sure my mom thinks I am), but that doesn't mean you can't buy my stuff at a super-fantastic price. Even if you don't really need a particular item, you can buy it just because you want to help a fellow human escape. If you're feeling especially generous, you could even pay more than I'm asking for something or just donate cash outright. Either one is okay. :-) Please email me if you have any questions or to arrange pick up. If you'd like to see anything that isn't pictured below, just let me know and I can send you a picture via email. I have a few more things that I'll be adding over the next couple of days as well, including my 2007 Saturn Vue Hybrid with just over 16k miles. <h2>Living Room</h2> <ul> <li>SOLD - $650 - IKEA Kramfors Leather Loveseat and Footstool</li> <li> $450 - Chaise, contemporary black leather, IKEA Kramfors (retails for $699.99 - <a href="http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/30074122" target="_blank">http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/30074122</a>)</li> <li> $200 - Recliner, contemporary black leather, matching footstool, see picture below (~$400 retail) <li> SOLD - $40 - 1 low profile sideboard/bookshelf things (see picture below), IKEA (i think), black, locking castors</li> <li> HOLDING - $40 - 1 low profile sideboard/bookshelf things (see picture below), IKEA (i think), black, locking castors </li> <li> HOLDING - $50 - area rug, 8' x 5', Jute, indigo blue -- It’s from Target, and <a href="http://www.target.com/Thomas-O%E2%80%99Brien-Jute-Rug-Rectangle/dp/B0009JVJ9I/qid=1242511541/ref=br_1_4/180-1994002-2476145?ie=UTF8&node=14302831&frombrowse=1&pricerange=&index=tgt-mf-mv&field-browse=14302831&rank=pmrank&rh=&page=3" target="_blank">here is their listing</a> for it including pictures.</li> <li> $40 - Art (green and yellow bamboo, see picture) - $15 each or $40 for all 3 (retailed for $30 each)</li> <li> SOLD - $40 - floor lamp combo with torch and reading lamp, contemporary stainless steel </li> <li> SOLD - $30 - 3 IKEA Nesting Tables</li> <li> SOLD (to a beautiful girl from Wisconsin) $30 - Art (blue, see picture below, IKEA retailed for $60+)</li> <li> $12 - 3 matching throw pillows (gray, blue, olive, beige, wide stripes) - $5 each, $12 for all 3</li> <li> $10 - Storage cube/end table, Target, dark brown wood <li> $10 - 2 TV stands - $10 each</li> <li> TAKEN (by one man...with the strength of 10)- Free - 36" Sony Trinitron TV (You will need to move it yourself, and it is heavy. I would guess it’s about 200 – 225 lbs., and I live on a 3rd floor walk-up on Queen Anne Ave., unfortunately. Two strong men could manage, but a good dolly with straps will be essential and a third person would definitely help. There is a loading zone directly in front of the building.)</li> </ul> <h2>Bedroom</h2> <ul> <li> HOLDING - $115 - Danish Modern Dresser ( 54" L x 18" D x 25" H + 6" legs -- solid wood, not sure which type, dovetail drawers, laminate, non-scratch top)</li> <li> SOLD - $85- Bose Wave Radio Alarm Clock, Vintage First Generation, beige, very small remote control, no CD player but does have AUX hookups, absolutely amazing sound!</li> <li> SOLD - $5 - very basic wood nightstand, black paint, one drawer</li> </ul> <h2>Home Office</h2> <ul> <li> $300 - Acer Aspire One ZG5 UMPC Netbook, 8.9" screen, 8GB SSD, RAM upgraded to 1.5GB, Windows XP Home SP3, micro Bluetooth dongle, hard acrylic case, soft foam case, 3 cell battery (~2.5 hrs) and 9 cell battery (~7.5 hrs) -- it looks just like <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Guang_Hua_Digital_Plaza_Launch_Acer_Aspire_One.jpg" target="_blank">this one</a>, but it's black.</li> <li> $30 - Dell 926 All in One Printer, Copier, Scanner (retails for $100, <a href="http://reviews.cnet.com/multifunction-devices/photo-all-in-one/4505-3181_7-32458883.html" target="_blank">lackluster CNET review</a>...but it works fine for me)</li> <li> SOLD - $20 - Black, metal, 2 drawer filing cabinet</li> <li> $20 - Hole Punch, Stapler, Paper Clip Holder, Tape Dispenser, In and Out baskets, Pen - Pencil - Note Organizer</li> <li> $15 - APC Back-UPS 300</li> <li> $10 - White board (~ 3' x 2')</li> <li> $10 - Waste Basket, silver, metal mesh</li> <li> SOLD - $5 - Small (~3" diam.) USB powered plasma ball</li> </ul> <h2>Kitchen</h2> <ul> <li> SOLD - $20 - Oster toaster oven, white - <a href="http://www.oster.com/ProductCategory.aspx?mpcid=17&cname=Toaster%20Ovens&cid=1545&pid=1412" target="_blank">this one</a></li> <li> $18 - Cuisinart Two to Go Coffee Maker (retails for $40 - <a href="http://www.cuisinart.com/catalog/product.php?product_id=11&item_id=28&cat_id=3" target="_blank">http://www.cuisinart.com/catalog/product.php?product_id=11&item_id=28&cat_id=3</a>)</li> <li>SOLD - $5 - cast iron grill pan</li> <li> $5 - Thermos Carafe (~1 litre)</li> </ul> <h2>Miscellaneous</h2> <ul> <li>SOLD - $90 - Samick LW 015 Acoustic Guitar with case, cheap tuner, metronome, string changing tool, and a few beginning and intermediate guitar books</li> <li> $30 - Ultrasonic humidifier</li> <li> $30 - Dirt Devil upright vacuum cleaner</li> <li> $20 - 1 bad ass steel Festivus pole (7' x 5.25" circumfrence), no tinsel</li> <li> $15 - good ironing board with heavy duty, commercial grade cover, little use</li> <li> SOLD - $15 - T-Fal Ultraglide Diffusion 1759 Iron - <a href="http://www.amazon.com/T-Fal-1759-Ultraglide-Diffusion-Shut-Off/dp/B0000AFWZ4" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/T-Fal-1759-Ultraglide-Diffusion-Shut-Off/dp/B0000AFWZ4</a></li> <li> SOLD - $10 - 2 candle holders and 2 large candles (seen in picture of dresser below)</li> <li> SOLD - $7 - Huge Ice Cooler, blue w/ white lid</li> <li> $5 - 2 CD stands - $5 each</li> <li> $5 - black metal plant stand (under gray pot in picture of chair below)</li> <li> $5 - various house plants $1 - $5 each (2 pictured with chair below)</li> </ul> <h2>Donations</h2> The sky is the limit here folks! :-) Whatever you feel like giving is good with me. I can accept cash, check, or paypal donations. All proceeds will be spent funding my indefinite trip around the world. :-) <a href="http://www.statcounter.com/free_hit_counter.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://c.statcounter.com/4748166/0/1726d563/0/" border="0"></a> <a href="http://my.statcounter.com/project/standard/stats.php?project_id=4748166&guest=1" target="_blank">View My Stats</a> <ul> <li> Location: Queen Anne <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-15T22:14:48-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1173373432.html F*** my job, super-fantastic moving sale/travel fundraiser bonanza! text Magic wand to solve life's problems http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1172985880.html If anyone has a magic wand that will solve all the problems in life, I'm interested in looking at it or buying it from you. Would be interested in seeing the wand's past accomplishments and achievements to verify that it actually does what its supposed to. May request a demonstration. Prefer a fast acting wand, one of the later models that come with the instant gratification package or enhancements. If it isn't the instant gratification type, preferably one that lets you know whether or not anythings happening and gives a forecast of what's happening after waving it. If it's portable that would be great, especially if it's pocket sized. Color, not important. Prefer machine washable in case I forget to take it out of my pockets in the laundry. Larger sized wands have to be storable in my apartment but am able to work around the size issue. Prefer to have instruction manual if you still have it. Am able to drive anywhere to pick it up. Submit picture if possible! Thanks. Oh, If you have a magic lamp instead that you need to be relieved of that still has wishes, I'm interested in that as well. Thanks! <ul> <li> Location: anywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-15T16:02:10-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1172985880.html Magic wand to solve life's problems text I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cos/1171796005.html I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom at conco. And forgot to lock the door. You opened the door and said "O GOD!" and shut the door. But before you said O GOD! I felt like we had a moment. I hurried and wiped. Pulled up my pants and opend the door. And you were gone. now the door to my hart is unlocked. <ul> <li> Location: cos <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-15T01:23:33-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cos/1171796005.html I was taking a dump in the unisex restroom. - m4w text I took your purse and felt a connection - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1170080841.html Tuesday night around 11:30. On 53rd btw 1st and 2nd. You came out of the subway and I followed you. You looked over your shoulder, saw me and started walking faster. I ran up, grabbed your arm, took your purse and ran away. I heard you yelling for help but let's be honest, this is New York. The only way people would come running is if you yelled "Free Weed!" I've done many a snatch-and-grab but no one has ever stuck in my mind like you. There was a quick moment when our eyes met that I felt something strong. I think you felt it too. If I wasn't so shy (or so committing a crime) I would have asked your name. I, of course, later got your name from your drivers license. So Jennifer if you'd like to get together for a drink sometime get back to me. Oh, and I can give you back your purse. Your credit cards are still there but I spent the cash (sorry). And my room mate took your tampons. I don't know what he does with them but he always takes the tampons. If it works out between us I'll totally buy you some new ones ;-) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-14T03:06:18-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1170080841.html I took your purse and felt a connection - m4w text Supersize Your Car http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1169761089.html Car attic. 3'x3'x18" That's about 14 cubic ft. for you mathophobics. No leaks. Can be locked with padlocks. Roof racks not required, but it isn't magic. Clamps to vehicle rain gutters. Look at your vehicle: if you don't have any place for it to hook on to, it'll fly - and that's not what you want! Red Green fans: don't even think about duck tape. Can be used as a spacious, 1 bedroom loft for the mother-in-law. How about a little peace and quiet from your yappy mongrel? Kids need separating? Portable hot tub? If you travel with a lot of cats, fill it with kitty litter. Your woody will be the envy of the neighbourhood sporting this multipurpose addition to your modern lifestyle. No trailer hitch? No problem! Turn your 4 banger into a mini-pickup. Double your haul (in or out) at the next flea market. Take a load to the dump. BTW, they don't take terrible twos, teens in any state of mind (I tried), couch potatoes (whew), etc. Now you can finally relive your hippie days: just slap this on your VW bus and head for the next Woodstock. Highway only air conditioning can easily be implemented with a 1/2" drill bit, but this would void the warranty, if it had one, and may limit the unit to non-aquatic uses (see below). Not convinced you need this? Wait! There's more. Yes, better than a paring knife. Leave the lid at home and you've got a balcony for the next air show. Concerned about sinking ferries? This may just keep your Cooper afloat. Take that "business" trip: she'll never suspect it's full of fishin' gear. Yessiree, it floats! Attach an outboard at your own risk and if you do, I wouldn't suggest intercontinental travel or even an Alaska cruise. However, it would also increase the resale value of any $1M+ yacht - it can store life preservers and double as a life raft. Don't even have a car? Hey, don't let that stop you from acquiring this gem. A sandbox in the backyard will surely increase your ratings on the next kid Gallup poll. Catch rainwater for the garden; fish pond; garden planter; small swimming pool or jacuzzi (use any old vacuum in reverse for bubbles); massive bird bath; live animal trap; bomb shelter...well, you get the idea: indispensable. It's light. Take it home on the skytrain or bike rack of any bus, but best to avoid peak hours. Sorry, no quantity discounts. Hurry! Only one left. Cars pictured below are for illustrative purposes only and are not included (duh), but I might be able to set you up with enough lawnmower parts for self-propulsion, which may get you some additional carbon tax refund. But...I digress. If you require an owner's manual, print this page. Enter v3r7a8 on craigslist homepage to see all my posted stuff. <ul> <li> Location: North Surrey <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="1169761089.1.jpg"> <img src="1169761089.2.jpg"> <img src="1169761089.3.jpg"> <img src="1169761089.4.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-13T18:14:57-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1169761089.html Supersize Your Car text I need your eyesore,please help http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1169369888.html I had a nice hedge on my property line, but my neighbor said it was a ratty eyesore and killed it. I would like a bus? a train car? huge peice of rusted heavy equiptment?? This is not a joke If you have something huge and ugly you need to be rid of perhaps we can help eachother out! I would prefer something tall and ominous but will consider any old peice of shit. Wreckage from a airplane would also fit the bill. Also, if part of it squeekes in the wind or is highly reflective in the sun that would be a plus <ul> <li> Location: kelso <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-13T14:04:59-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1169369888.html I need your eyesore,please help text free roller coaster http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1169125151.html I have had this for about 4 years it is fun safe and works great. You want to come pick it up you will need to rent a truck if you don't have one flatbed long when I moved it I needed a 20 foot flat bed these this are huge and when it is assembled it weighs about 20,000 LBS I am trying to get ride of it because I will be moving to small place with not enough room for it. Sad to see it go but I have no choice in the matter hope you will have as much fun as I did. I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU RENT A TRUCK BEFORE YOU CALL ME SO YOU CAN COME RIGHT OVER AND GET IT BECAUSE IT WILL GO QUICK (***) ***-**** ASK FOR RUSTY <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-13T11:54:18-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1169125151.html free roller coaster text Need a seragant mom? ? ? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cae/1168235746.html Hi im a 20 year old single white female. 5'11 blonde haird and fair complextion. Im offering to be a seragant mom. Im already a single mother to one and this will give me a chance to get things together for myself. I loved being pregnante. So if interested or want to know more email me thanks <ul> <li> Location: columbia <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-12T23:48:08-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cae/1168235746.html Need a seragant mom? ? ? text Free Box of Magnum Condoms http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1168173164.html I swear to whatever it is that i believe in, if i get any emails offering the use of this offered item with me..... i'll fill all 33 condoms up with yellow paint, and pelt every guy who looks like he might be the kind of douche bag who'd send such an email. That said, it would be great if you were a chic or had a chic pick them up. I'm a girl. The box is a 36 pack with 3 missing and the rest are totally fine and untampered with, i just don't want a box of condoms too big for most guys sitting around reminding me of yet another failed relationship and my renewed sense of not getting laid. Not that I'd like to be, so don't offer. thanks <ul> <li> Location: Clinton Hill <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-12T22:52:37-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1168173164.html Free Box of Magnum Condoms text To the fat jogger who spoke to me whilst my dog was taking a dump http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1167750729.html I applaud your willingness to talk to a dog-owner whose dog is taking a shit and question if they're going to pick it up as they walk away. However... My backstory is simply this. I had to park 3 blocks away from Cedric's bookstore since the closer spot I wanted I was nearly backed into whilst the car in front of me although already passed, decided to take it. Thus making me have to turn my car in reverse in about 2 seconds or else be hit. Needless to say I took my dog and walked her to the store since I didn't want to leave her there. So no I didn't have any paper/plastic bags on me as I was walking back to my car and my dog so delightfully decided to have a bowel movement right there. I know the poo was about the size of a dime, but props for still getting on my back about it. I told you I was going to get a bag. Your reply? "How do I know you're coming back?" To put it simply you don't. At least have the balls to back up something like that, I was gone for literally 20 seconds to get a bag and when I got back you were gone. So why even ask that if you're not even going to stay and make sure? Perhaps you should have followed me back to Cedric's as I got a bag and hunched down and watched me pick up my dog's excrement just to make sure. It would've at least added to your stalkerish demeanor. What I really wanted to say in reply was "how do I know you're going to lose weight?" For starters, I want to beg you on behalf on everyones' eyesight to wear a shirt that isn't 5 sizes too small for you; I was planning on grabbing lunch afterwards, but you pretty much altered that thought right out of my head as I felt gag reflexes emerging as I glanced at your overweight size in undersized clothing. Not to mention you're just plain fugly looking by anyones' and I mean ANYONES' standards. In truth we don't know each other, you don't know if I picked up my dog's crap, I don't know if you actually went jogging since I saw you walk by Cedric's, and stretch up against a wall on the other side. No actual jogging/speed-walking attempt was made. So I'm going to ask you nicely this once to not attempt to ruin a beautiful day for someone, especially as stranger unless you are planning on backing up your talk. If I ever see you again and you repeat this style of manner, I will slice the bacon off your back. Got it pudgy? Have a glorious day! <ul> <li> Location: PSU campus <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-12T15:03:09-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1167750729.html To the fat jogger who spoke to me whilst my dog was taking a dump text Free - International Ketchup Packet Collection http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1167074545.html This is a collection of ketchup packets from around the world. approximately 25 countries are represented here, including japan, finland, estonia, greenland, brazil, and portugal. none of the packets have been opened and they are labeled with their home country. Collection comes in decorative box with ducks on it. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-12T12:16:06-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1167074545.html Free - International Ketchup Packet Collection text Seeking hot vet to figure out what the fuck is wrong with my cat - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cae/1167023602.html You: Hot vet who knows what she's doing. Specialized in feline medicine, preferably ophthalmology and/or head-related neurological shit. Unlimited access to various medical machinery and doodad thingies to use on a cat to find out what, specifically, the fuck is wrong with it. Ability to, if said shit that's wrong with it isn't terminal, fix said shit in a timely and professional manner. Unlimited access to medication for a cat. Ability to give all of this care to my cat for cheap, if not free. Serious hotness a plus, great rack preferred but not required. Me: Owner of a blind cat that has some sort of fucking thing wrong with him and nobody just seems to be able to up and tell me what it is. They are very eager to run all manner of expensive tests on him, but I am pretty much out of disposable income to funnel into the money pit that he has become. The vets have all been very nice and none of this is really their fault, and they have given me some follow-up visits for free, but they just do not know what is going on with him. They have missed some critical issues that might have prevented some of the bad things from happening, but without knowing exactly what is causing this I guess I can't say for sure that any of this could have been prevented. I am a Virgo. As of a month ago I was a proud owner of a normal healthy cat, but as of today I am the proud owner of a lethargic, nervous, blind cat. I have driven him up to Charlotte to see a specialist, but I will get into that in the "Cat" section. More about me - I am a fire eater, I have a good sense of humor, and I like bad Sci Fi Channel movies. I can also cook very well. I would be willing to cook for you if you could help my fucking cat because I am serious when I say that this shit is just way out of control at this point. Cat: A tabby that I picked up as a stray, he's probably around four years old as best they can tell. He is sweet, loving, and never mean. A month ago he was seeing all sorts of things and running around my apartment chasing sunbeams, but those days have apparently slammed to a sudden and horrific halt. He got an eye infection that led to terrible, terrible things. (The vet did not catch that his lower eyelid was turned under a bit and he could not blink - possibly if they had then none of this would have happened.) The eye infection turned into his cornea rupturing while I was feeding him treats. Being probably borderline retarded, he kept eating while his eye leaked out all over the place. So off to Charlotte we went to have his eye removed! The specialist said all was great and he was healthy and the world was beautiful. Except on Saturday he went blind in his other fucking eye, which seems to me to contradict the whole "he is very healthy and his remaining eye is just in tip top shape" shit the specialist told me. He likes treats, being petted, and sitting in sunlight. Although right now he likes being curled up in a corner being pathetic, I guess because he can't see, but maybe he's slowly dying. If someone could tell me that would be totally fucking awesome. So far no one's really told me much except "well his tests seem to be fine! We can run more!" I got a call this morning that even though they have run four separate tests that showed there's no pressure in his eye, they think there is pressure in his eye and they want me to - get ready for this - buy some expensive eye drops to relieve this imaginary pressure that is almost certainly not there. Of course they do, why wouldn't they? I don't know how much they cost yet but you know I will probably just buy them because I am dumb as shit when it comes to this cat. Unfortunately I am really out of money to spend on him at this point. These eye drops and his appointment with the specialist on Thursday will be the last things I can do for him other than comfort him and hope he doesn't die. Here's where you come in. You can help my cat for little to no money and I can be thankful while staring at your magnificent legs, your beautiful breasts, your gorgeous, smiling face. That will make ME feel better after all the crazy shit I've been through this month. You'll feel good because you'll be helping a cat that quite honestly is one of the sweetest animals anyone has ever met. That'll make EVERYONE involved happy. Plus I'll cook for you if you want, and that will make you happy, too. We all win. This is platonic only, as I am not expecting you to hop in the sack with me, but if you decide you want to then let me just say up front that I am not going to argue with you. Don't worry, the cat is physically incapable of watching. I just wish I knew why. UPDATE - Unfortunately I had to have him put to sleep. After his last surgery to clear his eye socket up an infection set in and never really let up. He had a whole lot of very sudden problems that he didn't have six months ago - the blindness was only part of it. He was also losing teeth despite having perfect teeth a year ago. The infection didn't clear up, and he stopped eating, then got what one vet said was "just a cold." That didn't clear up either, and he stopped drinking too. I fed him and watered him via syringe for a few days, then he started vomiting everything up. The next day he started bleeding out through his nose and mouth and it wouldn't stop, so I had to have him put down. Thank you for all the kind words I received, the concern, and the ACTUAL VET who responded and was very nice and helpful despite not being in this town. Craigslist is an interesting place full of great people who make up for the fact that it also has people who want to dress up as Benjamin Franklin and have you shove balsa wood airplanes up their assholes while they blow farm animals. Goodbye, Bruiser. I'm going to miss you. <ul> <li> Location: Columbia, SC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-12T11:51:23-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cae/1167023602.html Seeking hot vet to figure out what the fuck is wrong with my cat - m4w text Rare Books Library - 1535 to 1940 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1166444710.html Attention RARE BOOKS COLLECTORS A gentleman's eclectic rare book library available to private collectors - representing a bygone era collected over 30 years by a single collector (non-dealer) and particularly popular in the UK and eastern/southern US, where families of European descent settled and stayed during and after the American Revolution. A salute to the historical, fiction and non-fiction and literary books read by almost every child in America from the 1700's onward - a legacy and keystone to Victorian cultural values for generations to enjoy. Particularly important to those who expand their reading, writing and speaking skills through books - those that taught primarily the importance of.... PATRIOTISM, PARENTAL RESPECT, CLEANLINESS, INDUSTRY and...SHAME (a term drummed out during the 1960's and 70's). These are books that instilled MORAL PRINCIPALS to adults and children alike - in accordance with the EDUCATIONAL AIMS OF THE DAY - adherence to Christianity -allegiance to country and -consideration for others. In place of Big Bird, Barney and the Cookie monster - they warned of dire consequences if the nation ever stopped observing the Sabbath with proper reverence; stories stressing the mutual obligations between young and old, rich and poor; excerpts from an essay by Oliver Goldsmith (beautiful bindings in these copies) on how happiness comes from within, not from external objects; numerous tales of children who strive to support their families by doing such menial tasks as selling matches or shoveling snow lest the shame of poverty descend, and above all, the importance of getting an education - Little Lucy, in the First Reader (McGuffey Reader - 1836) would "rather read than play" because children who "do not know how to read cannot learn anything but what is told to them" The library is a testimonial to LESSONS TAUGHT (over 250 prints from the 1800's are available as well) - folio prints taken from large 19th century books - popular additions to many of the books in this library - produced by massive steam-drive presses and distributed though book illustrations or through magazine solicitation (Century, Harpers etc). Prints suitable for framing (if the book was pulled apart - not a good idea) and produced for the pre-1900 burgeoning middle-classes to be hung in family space at home. Portions of the library are unique - 19th century Anglo-America reflecting social (economic) needs of Puritan-Republican, producer-capitalist culture of the times - a culture in which men and women were judged on the basis of character, their moral qualities, their principles, their rectitude and especially their work habits. Promotes positive thoughts through beautifully written passages (seldom re-published). Today, stories are presented (whatever sticks on the wall) as a result of the modern advertising-supported culture heavily weighted toward ENTERTAINMENT. In the new Electronic culture, stories are controlled by those hearing them (and readers are limited to what is being presented). Advertisers pay freight to ship books, but care little, if at all, at what gets transmitted. Advertisers want AUDIENCE ATTENTION, morality being the secondary consideration. The target audience is young, affluent, and eager to experiment types - bored, blaming and aggressive toward the old ways and views. Interestingly, books of the past were really more about STORYTELLING than today - a maximum value on this rare book collection. But, storytelling changed in the 1960's and more so with today's software (electronic copies of books can be downloaded) - happily we can load great stories we grew up as well (Dickens, Twain, London, Grant, Lee, Eisenhower, etc) In the early modern world - lessons were DOWNLOADED FROM ABOVE. They were told vertically from the CHURCH and the COURT - and down to the people and finally DOWN to the CHILDREN. Stories were told first in song, later in paint and with the advent of the Printing Press, they were told horizontally, sideways-out, from the WRITERS, to EDITORS and PUBLISHERS; and fanlike OUTWARD to the READERS IN BOOKS (placed on shelves), MAGAZINES and NEWSPAPERS In the contemporary world - lessons in the electronic world - stories seem to be told BOTTOM - UP - from the audience BACKWARD to the storytellers Now, it seems, with nonexistent censorship, those in control of the storytelling machinery can be wonderfully "amoral" - caring less about which stories are told, as long as they can gather a particular audience together for a period of time - and then essentially RENTING THAT AUDIENCE'S ATTENTION TO AN ADVERTISER. The only gate they keep - is the BOTTOM LINE. Today, story tellers (of TV and film, in general) must gauge what the audience wants and sell their attention to a third party for money. That is a livelihood - not storytelling. Power today is held by advertising - less by creativity or imagination. Print media has always carried advertising, but advertising was always subservient to the text, used as a way to lessen purchase prices. Historically, book, newspaper and magazine publishers saw their connection with the reader as - ONE OF FRIEND and GUIDE. An unfortunate commercial necessity, there were pitched battles between owners and assemblers of print media and advertising agencies. Ads were often bundled up in ghettos in the back of the book rather than allowed to intrude on the text. Family owned dynasties owned and protected the power of the print - the Scribners, Holts, etc had a tradition of caring for their readers in a rather paternalistic way. Publishing was run like a secular church - a sacred trust. The "gentle reader" idiom was part of a culture that also included a weekly "letter to the editor" or notes from the publishers desk The great publishers saw themselves as "merchants of light". Today, their counterparts exist in large conglomerates who call books "UNITS" and authors "TALENTS" - like Hollywood. So, I even find myself marketing this collection on the Internet (because it is best served to a limited audience of individual collectors desiring a complete library of historical consequences). Books were once ruled by Victorian gatekeepers - Ministers and parents were powerful gatekeepers, but the real powers of the time (evident in these books) were the editors, publishers, teachers, manufacturers, shopkeepers. Typical of the time - every time Queen Mary visited the Victoria and Albert Museum, a vast plaster fig leaf was hooked onto the cast of Michelangelo's David. If you want a nifty barometer of how much things have changed, think only of the royal family today. At that time - there existed a still palpable fear among the middle class that emanated from...what THEY COULD DIMLY REMEMBER FROM THE FRENCH REVOLUTION - and WHAT THEY KNEW WAS OCCURRING IN THE MID-CENTURY UPRISINGS IN EUROPE AT THE TIME - A healthy fear of the mindless mob existed. Hence, along came the Victorian SOCIAL REVOLUTION that worked TOWARD STABILITY through the mid-20th century (similar to TV's attempts at cultures of the Beaver, Disney and the Honeymooners - a mainstay for families sharing dinner together. What was said by a contemporary historian of the 19th century could apply as well to America of the 1950's - that the "poor was striving in almost impossible circumstances of their lives to conform to middle-class standards of morality" Then in around 1960, something happened. Morality went the way of top hats and spats and the center would not hold as a result. Thereafter, cultural programming was generated - from BELOW, not ABOVE. Society began slouching toward today's CULTUREVILLE. As always, those who "control the international flow of money and information, preside over philanthropic foundations and institutions of higher learning - and ultimately MANAGE THE INSTRUMENTS OF CULTURAL PRODUCTION - AND, THUS. SET THE TERMS OF PUBLIC DEBATE. Even then, the "elite", it was generally thought at the time - didn't care for the world around them - and in the words of WORDSWORTH - "Getting and spending, they lay waste OUR lives" While these books represent the Victorian society (lots wrong - bigotry, exploitation of labor, racism, genocide in empire building) there was also plenty right about the era by comparison to today's standards. The boy's classics of the times showed societies of the world and illustrations upon which to dream about when they grew up. Children read these books and left home for adventure when they became of age. The Victorian age taught it was right to direct attention to first individual and group decencies. Victorian shame was most often directed toward the excesses of romantic narcissism - Responsibility was situated first in THE INDIVIDUAL, THEN IN THE GROUP. Public and private were well defined, and private came first. The library represents an era in which GENTILITY, RESPECTABILITY and PROPRIETY were often regarded as the GREATEST PUBLIC VIRTUES. American youngsters have always been glutted with socializing information - and in the past they were brought up on puritan primers and print, often written by schoolteachers, historians or pastors, melodramatic in nature and stern in punishing the wayward child through shame and social control. Authors like Louis May Alcott, Aldrich and Finley tempered this zeal, but still cast the child as at risk in a world of danger. PROTECT YOURSELF, BEHAVE PROPERLY, LEARN THE MANNERS, THEN SUCCESS MAY BE YOURS. I hope to attract private collectors of financial means, who appreciate quality rare books en bloc and seek a long-term investment that will last for generations - a library of well over 4,000 individual volumes on hundreds of fascinating topics of interest to those who value American, European literature and history. All the books are highly illustrated in exquisite bindings and range across all categories - nearly 30 years taken to collect en mass - each purchased by the owner in pristine condition - most all printed prior to, during (or just after) the 1800's (ranging from 1535 to 1950). - antiquarian books of such quality and range - found en bloc - would be difficult, if not impossible in today's marketplace. Most of similar breadth are kept as family heirlooms to build upon, hand down to children or trade or gift among friends on special occasions. Printing dates span 400 years. - Titles are well-recognized and read like indexes seen in US and European literature and history books. Many of us kept such books to learn about our history. Each unique book opens possibilities to expand learning more about our heritage - Non-fiction, fiction, art and historical books, biographies and topics of interest to those familiar with western civilization and world history - including American, European and International literature, international art books as well as numerous highly illustrated books of significant historical value to eclectic book collectors. Basically, a truly unique and once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to obtain glimpses into the Victorian era, for example, as well as American and European history - clearly, impossible to find anywhere else in one place. Many highly valued authors who helped build America left us a legacy of historical literature about their experiences. We owe a debt to those who contributed and sacrificed (the European, Scandinavian, Mediterranean areas, etc). We also owe gratitude to those who kept the books for us - including ancestors who grew up reading these books in their original state as children and adults - many of whom experienced the challenges and adventures of American and Western civilization first hand and wrote of their experiences for us to learn about and pass down to our children. Modern day schools cannot keep up with categories seen in this collection - there is also a shift away from teaching many basics we grew up reading about. Our country was founded on many of the traditional and cultural heritages that these books focus upon - including fascinating places and experiences they could only read and dream about at the time, but we find described in fascinating detail in these books. The Internet has made it easier to everyone to find "information" very quickly, but books are inherently valuable as bound (printed) - books will last and cannot easily be cut off or limited by modern technical problems. Categories in the library include only the finest examples of English, Scottish, Irish, German, French, American and European Literature; Children's Books from pre1900; Color-Plate illustrations from wood, steel and copper, all being Highly Illustrated Books; Early Printed Books back to 1535; Private Press Books, thousands of Fine Bindings, Original Artwork, Manuscripts, High Spot Modern First Editions and very rare books your great-great grandparents collected and read when children, usually by candlelight. All the books were collected individually (inspected by hand) from antiquarian bookshops over 30 years of searching and purchases. A single purchase the library en bloc is the best option for the value, but a payment plan can be arranged by agreement as well for tax purposes. Depending on volumes selected, I will consider half the asking price. The retail value exceeds $700,000, as admitted by many dealers who have viewed the collection, but cannot offer retail prices considering the wholesale and profit margins needed as middlemen to their clients (and economic considerations). I do plan to retain a few hundred volumes for my own collection that will not be included in the sale. There are simply too many interesting categories to list here - and you will understand the overall value in a single purchase when viewed (rather than a giant list on a spreadsheet). Clearly, high interest for specialists, brokers, dealers and even private collectors has been generated and considered - but, once broken up, the library will be of lesser value to the eclectic types who, like me, the value of the library being in its entirety, intact. Within the collection - all inclusive Cal and Stanford yearbooks, local and national football coaches playbooks and inspirational writings (including Pop Warner, Pappy Waldorf, Rockne, Leyhe, McKay and more). Most are firsts including the 1906 SF earthquake, 1912 Titanic sinking, 1876 Custer biography and Elisabeths (wife) books, etc. Some limited Western Americana for specialists - History of (18)49ers, 2 and 3 volume sets on SF and a 2 volume set on California edited by John Muir (including individual titles). All who have visited agree it is an astonishing collection seldom seen even in a book shop - a one of a kind opportunity to obtain a complete library of rare books of major historical importance - libraries of such magnitude and quality are seldom seen and predominantly kept by gentlemen in the UK, eastern or southern parts of the USA - never making it to the marketplace. En bloc is ideal to retain and hand down to children and generations to come. Dealers are focused on mediating sales by specialty to their clients. Serious collectors can contact me to discuss. I will arrange a personal viewing for those who are serious about acquiring such a library for themselves or their entire family. Some brief examples include - a 1535 Homer edition in Greek, Caesar's Commentaries in English with foldouts in English, biographies of all US Civil War generals including folios of Leslies and Harpers historical sets, Stanley and Livingston sets, Blighs journals, Cook's 3 voyages, 1879 Custer, 1899 Egyptian book of the Dead, Bibles from all eras, childrens books from UK and US pre-1900, complete sets of Dickens, RL Stevenson, Twain, Sir Richard Burton, Lincoln; Fiction and Non-fiction American and European (London, Steinbeck, Hemingway); Einstein, all official Olympic Games books (including many of the 1936 games with photos), Albert Schwietzer, and many more. Most copies were valued in the $200 to $300 range with well over 50 volumes in the $2,500 to $3,500 range (purchased as retail). All pre-1900 children's books collected because of their fine, colorful bindings - many seen in bookstore windows over the years at $45 minimum. A few 17th century folios. But, frankly my library is - American, European, literature, Travels and Voyages and many, many early illustrated first editions other very fine printings. 1. Homer, ILIAS ET ULYSSIEA, cum Interpretatione. Greek text with marginal notes. 4 to, new 1/2 calf, Basle Herwagen, 1535 2. The Commentaries of C Julius Caefar of his wars in Gallia; and the civil wars bewixt him and Pompey. With many excellent and judicious obfervations thereupon, and alfo the ART of our Modern Training Also the Art of Modern Training by Clement Edmonds. Printed by Edward Jones - MDCXCV - new binding in quarter leather and another in original binding (2 copies) 1695 Covent Garden 3. Fables of Aesop and other eminent mythologists; with Morals and Reflections ; By Sir Roger L'Eftrange, Kt. 3rd edition corrected and amended. London Printed for R Sare, B. Took, M. Gillyflower, etc 1699. rebound with new spine and very thick bookcovers. 4. FABLES - Ancient and Modern; Tranflated in VERSE, from Homer, Ovid, Boccace, & Chaucer: with ORIGINAL POEMS by Mr Dryden LONDON: Printed for Jacob Confon, within Gray's Inn Gate next Gray's Inn Lane. MDCC Rebound 5. An ACCOUNT of Sir Isaac Newton's Philofohical Difcoveries, in four books by Colin Maclaurin, Am. by Patrick Murdoch, MA and FRS - second edition London Printed for A Millar at Buchanan's Head MDCCL A small sample of other books perhaps of interest; 1. A voyage to the Pacific Ocean undertaken by the command of his Majesty, for making Difcoveries in the Northern Hemifphere - in 3 volumes (no maps as a separate volume) Dublin MDCCLXXXIV printed for H Chamberlaine, W Watson, et al 2. Paradise Lost - A poem The Author John Milton - 2 volumes (small) - London, printed for John Sharpe Piccadilly 1822 3. The L and A of Robinson Crusoe by Daniel De Foe in two volumes (small, not exactly matched) Vol I Hartford: Judd Loomis & Co 1837 and Vol II Hartford: Andrus and Judd 1833 4. A clean, modern facsimili of the original 3 volume set of - Robinson Crusoe series 1790 on. Introduction written by Charles Whibley London; Constable & Co, Ltd. Priinted in Britain by Cahares Whittingham and Griggs (Printers) at the Chiswick Press MCMXXC 5. CORPVS POETARVM LATINORV - VOL I & II - OPERA et FRAGMENTA - veterum Poetarum Latinorum. Profanorum & Ecclefiafticorum . Doubus Voluminibus comprehenfa Londoni Apud J Nicholson, B Tooke, & J Tonson Large Folio MDCCXIII 6. John Leech's Pictures of Life and Character, from the collection of "Mr Punch"; London, Bradbury Agnew & Co.1886 Folio Others include large illustrated folios, firsts (French and English) of Aesop, La Fontaine, poets, history, exploration, travels, battles, etc, etc. I have a medium sized series - 6 bands of Twain's works - in German (Stutgard 1892 to 1897) first editions in this series - mint, red covers illustrated as though printed yesterday - verlag von robert lub - an Internet reference - obtained by UCL (University College London) in 2006 for an undisclosed price by their library - pencil inscriptions from 1906. Below - some second printings of the more famous modern American authors - Good, clean copies purchased when I was a young student without much capital. At that time, I chose lesser expensive volumes (non-firsts) as the first editions were trading at a very high premium and collector competition was simply too expensive for me at the time. Dealers and collectors sell the true firsts across the nation from several hundred, in some cases to several thousand per volume in those signed, top quality, etc - depending on the condition and interests of their clientele. In my collection, the non-first editions apply only to a few authors - Oz, Steinbeck, and Twain and therefore, mine have been priced accordingly in the collection based on condition and year printed. Sample Hemingway The Garden of Eden 1986 Scribners The Old Man and the Sea 1952 Scribners The Green Hills of Africa 1935 Scribners Across the River and through the Trees 1950 Scribers Men without Women 1927 the MacCaulay Co Sample London When God Laughs 1911 MacMillan Regent The Sea Wolf, June 1906, Grosset & Dunlap NY Before Adam, 1907 MacMillan Moon Face, 1906 MacMillan Sailor on Horseback, 1938 Houghton Mifflin - Jacket White Fang - Oct 1906 Grosset & Dunlap, Riverside press - Jacket The Game - June 1905, MacMillan Sample Steinbeck Bombs Away 1942 Viking For Whom the Bell Tolls, 1940 Scribners A - Jacket Cup of Gold 1936, Robert McBride & Co - Jacket The Moon is Down March 1942, Viking - Jacket The Pearl 1948, Wm Heinemann Ltc, Britain Death in the Afternoon 1932 Scribners A. Sketch of him in front and color page The Wayward Bus 1947, Viking Travels with Charlie 1962 Wolg Mfg Co - Jacket The mostly 18th and mostly 19th century editions were well-recognized in rare book shops - quality literature, poetry, childrens books - interesting and amazing illustrations representing an amazing era - epic talent in writing, illustrating and publishing. Other very small sample -- - Fiction/Nonfiction - Twain, Dickens, Lincoln, Nordoff & Hall, Cooper, Steinbeck, London, Oscar Wilde, La Fontaine/Aesop's Fables, Goldsmith, Roosevelt (African Game Travels), Jules Verne, too many to mention - Historical folios - Rev Wars France, Germany, Russia, Spain, Lossing's US hx classics, San Francisco1849; 1535 Homer in Greek and Latin; Hx of US and England; Bancroft series; All Olympic books including several '36, 2 vol Germany summer/winter w/ inlaid photos; Complete historical photo series of US Civil War by Lincoln's Photographer. All letters, speeches and correspondence Lincoln - Folios - Harpers weekly (+ monthly) bound 1860's + 1960 reprints, Civil War, Rome, Egyptian Book of the Dead 1899, English/Scottish Kings, 260 large matted prints US army uniforms 1888 back to revolutionary war, European historical, aristocracy, soldiers and castles, etc; All weapons of England (1700's); John Muir firsts/folio about California; Pictorial memoirs of Napoleon's generals who fought in the wars; - Travel and Exploration - Journals of 3 Voyages of Cook's 1st Irish, multiple sets of Stanley/Livingston (last jounals etc), Dr. Albert Schweitzer, Arabian Nights Sir Richard Burton, Portugal/Spain and English explorers; Bligh's South Seas journal (copy of the actual handwritten journal) signed Lord Mountbatten (hero to English of WWII and later blown up by IRA) - Illustrated Literature - complete sets Goethe, Twain, Dickens, Hodder/Stoughton classics, St Nicholas 1886-90, Victor Hugo, Robert Louis Stevenson - many, many more - Victorian women's styles and dresses bound from mid 1800's on - hand colored. - Children's fine bindings - poetry, stories about historical figures, civil war heroes, heroes, heroines etc-Victorian era. Bambi series, Dare Wright series (Bears children books) many, many complete children's illustrated - 1940 and 50 classic series (entire). - Fine artistic illustrated - large steel engravings founding fathers, hand colored 19th/20th century. Aesop's/La Fontaine Fables 1699 and other later editions, Galleries/Famous American and European Poets, Authors and Literature 1800's on bindings and sets - European/American History - RE Lee and Lincoln writings, Lossing's American revolution/civil war series, Caesar's Commentaries English 1700's with battle array foldouts; Sir Isaac Newton - biography with foldouts. Mutiny on the Bounty, Pitcairn Island firsts - Autobiographies, biographies - first eds Lincoln , Washington , Napoleon, Custer and Sitting Bull, Indian wars, Buffalo Bill. Wild Bill, entire US Rev and Civil War sets by casualties and regiments, WWI, II generals, Lodges Portraits of English Gentlemen, 1700's encyclopedia and literature, Einstein on Zionism 1933 - College yearbooks - all Stanford/Cal, Starr (about Stanford) on diverse topics - Classical Music history - complete folio series on classical music/opera - actors in costume 1880's - music and narrative - Poetry books - countless fine bindings/complete sets from the turn of the century authors and artistic works. Whitman, EA Poe - Sports - Coaches football play books - Knute Rockne/Pop Warner on football, Payton on Basketball, etc - Bibles - all types/sizes family bibles from 1700's forward - some signed/some unused. Books on women, weddings and families from 1800's onward. - Plans - famous masted ships, rigging, famous WWI and WWII aircraft design, defense of US and Britain against invasion - WWII - Jane's aircraft/ship series, famous general's autobiographies, victory series to US soldiers; war summary by Eisenhower Cheers, Please reply via email and I will contact you giving serious consideration to those interested. We can share email information and discuss the possibilities. You will want to view the collection in any case a private collector Danville, CA <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-11T21:03:16-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1166444710.html Rare Books Library - 1535 to 1940 text Vespa keys for Grainbelt http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1166362384.html So here is the deal. I am willing to buy you a case of Premium Grainbelt if you find the keys to my Vespa. The Vespa is still in my driveway so I am fairly sure no one stole the keys, but I have looked everywhere! I looked in the garage, the driveway, yard, both cars and the entire house! Now I reach out to you craigslist community. I would like to assemble a crack team of key searchers. We will start with my house and branch out all over the city looking for keys to my beloved scooter. We will look high, we will look low, we will even look over there, yep that corner over there. Who knows, maybe you stepped on them and accidently transported them across the city! I only lost them on Saturday so hopefully they haven't traveled too far. If you maliciously took my keys I will accept that. The scooter is spectacular after all. I will forgive you and give you the reward of a case of Minnesota made delicious beverage. How could you refuse!? Maybe we could even become friends. Who knows in this crazy world! There are some rules to this offer. 1. If you are under 21 I may exercise my right of refusal to serve alcohol. I may substitute it with a different beverage or multiple items from a fast food dollar menu. 2. If you show up to look for the keys in a Vespa, you get instant cool points and a free "sampler" beverage while searching to help in the process. Yes this is a rule. 3. All are welcome, but please have good eye sight and the ability to lift at least 1 lbs. 4. Have fun. 5. Did you actually read this line as well? 6. subject to change based on availability. <ul> <li> Location: Minneapolis <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-11T21:52:35-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1166362384.html Vespa keys for Grainbelt text Grooming Circle - w4mm http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1165835703.html I am a woman seeking a group of 4-6 men to brush my hair in what i like to refer to as my "grooming circle." I have not cut my hair since age 14. I am 5'8" and my nut-brown locks fall well past the small of my back, terminating just below the buttocks. I am 32 years old but often get i.d.'d when i buy wine spritzer by the case. I work in elder-care, and several of my male charges have described me as both "comely" and a "handsome woman." I used to permit these fellows to brush my hair until i was reprimanded by my superiors. This is how the "grooming circle" works. I will distribute to each man a numbered brush from my array of fine boar's head bristle brushes (2 have ivory handles, 4 have tortoise shell). Each man will gather around me and take hold of a lock of hair approx 1/4 inch in diameter. Each man will then spread out from me in what i refer to as the "maypole formation." I will let out a long sigh as a signal to commence brushing in tandem. I may need to periodically give notes, and will refer to each man by brush number. No Tugging. Please do not suggest music. We will be listening to the Gypsy Kings. We will all be clothed. This is not overtly sexual in nature. You may take off your shoes but not your socks. All I require is that you be of sound mind, have clean finger nails, no callouses, and a steady hand. A steady hand is essential to proper brushing rythmn. For those first-timers who have never participated in a "grooming circle" before and are feeling nervous, I will offer you a ladyfinger soaked in peach schnopps to calm you. I also have wine spritzer if that is more to your taste. Again, there is nothing so offputting as an unsteady hand. I will provide refreshments afterwords: ginger snaps, necco wafers, and fresca. Do not bring in any outside brushes. Please email me your responses and a photo of your hands. --Lily PS I have no grey hairs (at least not on my head). <ul> <li> Location: Upper East Side <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-11T17:20:59-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1165835703.html Grooming Circle - w4mm text The most beautiful woman in Charleston - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chs/1165205284.html I saw you today standing on the corner of the same street I saw you on last time. It was def Logan. Like I already said, I saw you the other day through my Steiner 10x42 Tactical Military R Compact Surveillance Binoculars. Thanks to the long distance clarity of these amazing binoculars, which typically retail for $1,500, I was able see the green in your beautiful eyes and the white of your breathe-taking smile. Maybe one day I will have the courage to ask you out, but for now I am content just to watch. I am so grateful for my Steiner 10x42 Tactical Military R Compact Surveillance Binoculars. They have made our relationship possible. The Steiner 10x42 Tactical Military R Compact Surveillance Binoculars were developed as a compact roof prism military binoculars incorporating the newly developed SUMR targeting reticle system. Using entirely new optical system formulations, new fully multi-coated binocular optics and a completely new shockproof and waterproof housing, the Steiner Tactical R Compact Surveillance Binoculars 650 delivers a new standard of performance in a tactical Steiner binocular that includes a new Mil Reticle Targeting System allowing faster and more accurate communications between the spotter/observer and shooter or weapons delivery personnel. If anyone knows this woman's name, or is interested in buying my Steiner 10x42 Tactical Military R Compact Surveillance Binoculars, please reply at once. I am willing to sell these binoculars, which are used by SWAT, Army, and the Airforce, for $850. You just can't bet that deal. Jessica, if you read this, I still love you and miss you. <ul> <li> Location: DT <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-11T12:29:27-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chs/1165205284.html The most beautiful woman in Charleston - m4w text Drunk as Balls Dojo http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1164655647.html Are you a casual drunk to full blown alcoholic? Is your mouth often writing checks your fists can't cash? Drunk as Balls Dojo is the answer to all of your problems. At Drunk as Balls Dojo you will learn the fine art of bar fighting from one of the nation's premiere trouble drunks- Ryan O'Reilly. Master O'Reilly has been banned nationally from such established chains as Friday's, Buffalo Wild Wings, and every Border's Book Store containing a Starbucks. He is an expert in the "What are you looking at" and "You got a problem" fighting styles, but is very skilled in a variety of other styles such as "She was talking to me." Master O'reilly will take you from the pansy-ass lush you are now to becoming a true liability in only 5 weeks. Intensive training covering such varied areas of self-offense as: -Using wing sauce as a weapon -Breaking a beer bottle without slicing and dicing your hands - Accurate projectile vomiting - Flicking a lit cigarette into someones face - "Getting the fuck outta there" Classes will be held every Monday, Weds, and Friday- with Fridays being reserved for critiquing failed technique in the classic and award winning movie Roadhouse. You'll come to class, get wasted drunk, and mix it up with other like-minded individuals. Master Ryan will show you the path to true 'trouble maker.' Only when you reach that point will you be able to tell that douche-bag how ridiculous his shirt/hat/girlfriend is with the confidence that only comes from being trained as a drunk fighter. If you aspire to bar-flydom, this class is a must have! Classes start at $50 a week + a 12 pack per class. <ul> <li> Location: Tempe <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-11T00:21:19-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1164655647.html Drunk as Balls Dojo text girlfriend forcing sale http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/jax/1164383626.html Girlfriend said she is tired of my mustang parts and I need to make a craigslist ad...so here is it for sale 1 nagging dream smashing man hater make an offer or look in the free section if she keeps it up and gets kicked to the curb <ul> <li> Location: saint augustine <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-10T21:37:11-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/jax/1164383626.html girlfriend forcing sale text Re: 60" TV Must Sell NOW!!! - $2000 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chc/1162990250.html Sorry to inform you but that TV is worth about $300 not $2000. Compare yours to the half dozen other "boat anchors" on sale on Craigslist right now. If you have to sell it by May you are going to have to adjust the price. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-09T16:12:10-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chc/1162990250.html Re: 60" TV Must Sell NOW!!! - $2000 text Re: Ratan and Wood book Shelf - $20 (chico) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chc/1161000699.html For the love of God, must you post this same ugly bookshelf every single day. I've seen it on this site at least 30 times. Give us a break for a few days would you. Nobody wants it. It's ugly. Try lowering the price. Try setting it in front of your house with a free sign on it. Try anything, but please get a clue that nobody wants it. I think I'll just start flagging you for overposting. Oh and by the way it's "rattan" with a double t, not "ratan." Now please take a break!! Ratan and Wood book Shelf - $20 (chico) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reply to: sale-56zvk-1160852275@craigslist.org Date: 2009-05-08, 10:12AM PDT Wooden and ratan book shelf for sale. Call if interested (number deleted) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-08T11:26:45-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chc/1161000699.html Re: Ratan and Wood book Shelf - $20 (chico) text To the Debt Collector Harrassing me at Work - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/1159468030.html Your voice is quite charming in a sleazy, condescending, I-Get-Paid-To-Harrass-People kind of way. You must be so good with the ladies - I can picture you on a date, with that deep "I am full of self-importance" voice, asking her "So am I to file you under deadbeat mistress because you won't sleep with me after knowing me for an hour?" I am assuming you are either 1. Just out of college and eager to prove yourself by threatening a faceless person on the telephone, 2. A wannabe lawyer who is not smart enough to ever pass the BAR exam and therefore miserable in life, or 3. Someone who was picked on a lot in high school and believes this job is his calling to get revenge on all those bullies who made life a living hell. Ours is definitely a missed connection, because after the first threatening phone call, I instructed our receptionist to screen all calls from you. Sad, but where I work, as I informed you several times, I cannot continue to speak to you without raising my voice, and unfortunately I cannot tell you everything I really want to say, as I am in public and do not want my coworkers to hear the trash language I would use. You see, debt collector, my bills have always been paid on time. I am not a deadbeat, nor do I avoid paying my credit cards. But when you have a bank like Bank of America, who gets $20 billion dollars of US tax payers money, then turns around and changes credit card interest rates from 10% to 29.99% with no explanation, increases the monthly minimum amount due from $150 to $675 and turns your account over to a bottom feeder collection agency after two months because their customer could only pay $300 each of those months, there is a problem. And the problem does not lie with me. Like millions of other Americans who work hard every single day and are struggling, I am not rolling around on a pile of bailout money. I am not buying up other banks and then changing the credit card rules because I can. I am not an executive of Bank of America who lives in a $4 million mansion and flies to exotic places on a private jet while millions of people lose their homes and their lives. I am, in fact, a college-educated professional who is completely dumbfounded by the state of this country. In fact, I bet the money you say I owe that I am more educated, smarter and make more money than you. I simply don't make enough to pay you the thousands of dollars you claim I owe you today "or else". By the way - those fees and surcharges totalling more than $2000 that you tacked on to my Bank of America account balance is not going to fly. So here's what I shall do to ensure that we are not just another missed connection. The next time you call me at work, I will take you call. I will also record the call, since it is illegal for you to continue calling at my place of employment once I have requested that you stop. I will submit the tape to my attorney, along with my intent to sue you for harrassment, threats and stalking, along with emotional distress (I had to have two glasses of wine to calm my nerves after your call!) And then I will sit back with my family, relax and know that eventually, this matter will be settled and behind me, and I will continue my life of love and laughter. You, on the other hand, will still be at your dirty little desk, dressed in your dingy suit and tie, calling other "deadbeats" and lashing out at them because it makes your own pitiful little life seem less empty. <ul> <li> Location: Basking in the Economy <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-07T15:48:13-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/1159468030.html To the Debt Collector Harrassing me at Work - w4m text It aint easy being a fat chick http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1158039195.html Some observations from a 43 year old 5 foot 4 230 lb woman.... I have been working really hard at changing my life. I am down 35 lbs, up probably 10 in muscle. The first thing to vanish was my boobs and the last thing will be my frickin' belly. I feel much better, my eyes are clear, my clothes are all too baggy and fried food bothers my stomach. I also, for the first time in my life, find obese people upsetting and almost disgusting. This bugs me, it is hypocritical at best, I am still a fat chick! Here are a few things I have noticed so far - 1. Most men still think me vulgar and ugly, never mind my pretty face and personality. But now, I am starting to see men at the gym doing one of two things - they either speak to me because I have somehow managed to be a gym rat in their eyes or they are starting to pay attention and be nice to me because they think that by some miracle I will screw them once I lose a bunch more weight, granted, this is my instinct speaking, I could be totally wrong. Either way, anyone who wasn't man enough for me as a really fat chick surely will not be man enough for me in the future, it kind of pisses me off. 2. 35 lbs is A LOT of fat. Next time you go to the grocery store, take a look at packages of hamburger in 1 or 2 pounds. Add it up, it seems massive. It feels that way too. Who knew that 6 months ago when walking on the treadmill hurt my feet so bad I could hardly walk that now I am biking and running. 3. Women are for the most part, negative about my success. Disguised as some sort of twisted cheering me on, most have something negative hidden in everything they say. WTF is that? Women truly are insane! 4. Trainers are useless to me! Most of them are just slick salesmen who studied one book and took some test (not all, but this has been my impression and I have made it my business to get to know them all). The nicest people I have interacted with have been the biggest, baddest, buffest dudes and the most ripped ladies. Somehow they can see beyond the obvious and pick up on the fact that I am absolutely driven and determined. Some of them have been instrumental in proper form, putting together a solid work out and how to make a program work. 5. Chicks that wear a bunch of makeup and wear their hair down at the gym looking super hot are THE MOST SUPERFICIAL creatures walking the planet, AND they are dumb as rocks. What a waste of such beauty. 6. Building muscle and losing fat hide themselves and manifest themselves in the strangest of ways. I plateaued at 35 lbs a month ago and yet people who haven't seen me in a month are still going "WOW you are losing weight!". So don't get so down when you hit one, your body is just adjusting, it is natural and a part of the whole deal. 7. It SUCKS being the fat one at the gym, it is not easy to walk into a place of sculpted beauties looking so pitiful. You have to absolutely dismiss all of those feelings and it is not easy! 8. Gay guys absolutely hate fat women at the gym, it makes no sense to me but they have mad attitude. 9. There is so much to learn, un-learn in bad habits and re-learn in good ones. Give yourself a break, you didn't get fat overnight, its not going away overnight. You have to stick with it, invest time and time pays off. 10. Young guys are much nicer than the young ladies. 11. Don't be a chicken! People bigger than you feel just as awful and awkward as you do, dare to share your enthusiasm with them, it really does help. 12. I hate brown rice and oatmeal, but they are my friends. 13. If you are gonna eat carbs, get your ass on the cardio machines and use them! 14. Elyptical (sp?)machines are supposed to be easy on the knees, what bullshit! They are also usually made for people 5 foot 5 or taller. 15. Don't freak out when you build muscle in your upper body and your bras get tight! Build enough muscle and the fat will start to fade, it will pass. 16. 6 meals a day really is a great ticket, eat protein with each and every one of them. 17. If you are really working the weights, start incorporating a protein shake of some sort immediately after your work out - if you wait more than 20-30 minutes your muscles will try and eat themselves. 18. One word - DERMAFINE-MD. It WORKS just as well and is much cheaper than Strivectin. 19. Please for the love of all things sacred, lose weight for YOURSELF. Forget the porn/media driven body image and trying to be something for someone else. You MUST strive above all to do it for YOU (everyone else gets a bonus when YOU succeed). 20. COUNT EACH AND EVERY CALORIE AND MAKE THEM COUNT. If you don't eat enough, your body will eat your muscles, if you eat too much and the wrong type, back comes fat. 21. YEP - that guy you absolutely could not believe was looking at your hoochie when you were doing leg presses really was. Nope, he doesn't want to screw you but somehow can't NOT look. 22. YEP - that awful bimbo who looks at you with such disgust really does think you a loser, fuck her and the sugar daddy who bought her those boobs. Well I am rambling, I just wanted to share a little of what I have learned and seen. I hope it helps someone out there. You really can be successful, just remember that courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear - YOU! <ul> <li> Location: Notions and wisdoms for BBW women <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-06T15:10:41-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1158039195.html It aint easy being a fat chick text My Excellent Adventure with "Table for Six" http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1157378129.html Seeing no signs of progress some five years after my divorce, and with my 42nd birthday rapidly approaching, my well-meaning but misguided friends chipped in together to buy me a membership in a single’s club called “Table for Six.” The format, as explained in a welcoming letter I received from the agency, seemed simple enough: you attend a dinner for three couples at a fancy restaurant; if you click with someone, you were free to arrange additional dates on your own, or by matchmaking through the agency. The members of the group seated at the table with me had been selected by the agency for compatibility: fortyish, well-to-do professionals all, and each of us divorced at least once. As luck would have it, the third man in the group had failed to show up, so distributed around the table with me were the other man, three women (all reasonably attractive specimens in my eyes), and a facilitator, whose role was to keep the conversation moving along amongst the group. “Remember, honesty is very important!” she chirped, managing to sound both serious and merry at the same time. “I encourage you all to consider it a rule, and not to embroider the truth!” I didn’t really want to be here to begin with – this being exactly the type of contrived social event I loathe – so being lectured to in this way was particularly irritating. I swirled a watery vodka and tonic and wondered why I had agreed to be here at all. Having finished her lecture, the facilitator announced that everyone would be introducing themselves and giving a short biographical sketch, and gestured to me to begin. I gave everyone sixty seconds of whom I am, and then took inventory of my companions as they did the same. Teresa, who was sitting closest to me, was smartly dressed in a black skirt and a white blazer. She smiled coyly beneath wavy blond hair and watery blue eyes, and her florid complexion suggested that she liked to pull a cork now and then. Janet sat stiffly between Teresa and the facilitator. The cream turtleneck that rose out from her dark jacket fit her like a neck brace, and her expression gave me the feeling that she considered this get-together to be very serious business. Hunched over to the right of the facilitator was the other man. He was already working on his second drink, and I had the urge to lean across the table and loosen the knot in his tie. He stammered his way through a short introduction and then looked to his right. Slouched there, at the other end of the group, was Kaitlin, who was as relaxed as Janet was not. She seemed intelligent enough when she spoke, but somewhat lacking in self-confidence. The most casually dressed member of the group, and wore a minimum amount of makeup. Her peasant dress was simple and elegant; her chestnut-brown hair short and shapeless. With the introductions completed, the facilitator asked if everyone was ready to order and waved at the waiter passing through the room. Kaitlin, I observed, ordered vegetarian. But it would hardly have mattered if she ordered the filet mignon and lobster platter; in the time-honoured feminine tradition of trying to make a good first impression on the first date, none of the women did more than pick at their food. The conversation sputtered a few times in the beginning, but gradually took hold. Terrorism, the economy, the housing market…all the predictable topics were discussed in a predictably superficial, non-offensive manner. Unfortunately, the other man was not proving to be much of a conversationalist, and the burden fell to me to pick up the slack. Twice I deflected questions about my opinions on social topics, and twice the facilitator cheerily reminded me that honesty was very important, and that I should consider it a rule. The vodka I had consumed wanted to know if I was going to continue to put up with that shit, and I decided that I would not. “Look, just because I don’t take you into my thoughts on every point we discuss doesn’t mean that I’m being less than honest.” For a brief moment, the facilitator seemed nonplussed. Clearly, she was not accustomed to having her concept of honesty brought into question. Then the cheery smile she’d been sporting throughout the evening found its way back onto her face, and she smoothed it into place with a short laugh. “But Dan, we’re all trying to learn about each other tonight so that we can get acquainted. We can’t do that if you’re holding back things about yourself. We want to know the real Dan. Won’t you help us with that?” I turned my palms toward the ceiling. “You’re talking about candor – or transparency if you prefer – which is not the same as honesty. Honesty is telling the truth about the things you choose to say, while providing enough detail to be representative of reality.” But the facilitator had decided to be preoccupied with trying to flag down a waiter, and she did not reply to this. I looked around the table, hoping that someone would argue with me, or agree with me, or tell me to take a flying leap – anything, in short, to escape the perfunctory conversation we’d been having for the past hour. The waiter arrived and began clearing the table and taking drink orders. Teresa turned towards me and rested her hand on the back of her neck, leaning forward to pivot her elbow on the table. “So, Dan,” she said, smiling broadly, “When was your last long-term relationship?” I decided that I’d had enough of watery vodka and tonics and ordered a Remy Martin instead. “A couple of years ago or so.” I wondered when we would start to discuss the weather, and whether I could escape to the men’s room after finishing the Remy for a leisurely, lengthily interlude, fake an upset stomach upon my return, and leave early. “How did you meet her?” Teresa had taken a liking to me, or so it seemed to me. Knowing the forsaken path ahead of us in this line of conversation, I paused and thought for a moment. Honesty is very important – we’re all trying to learn about each other tonight! So I shrugged, looked Teresa in the eye, and gave her honesty. “I picked her up at a strip club. She was a dancer.” Teresa laughed heartily. “Really!” she exclaimed a bit too loudly, and chuckled again. “Really,” I replied quietly, not laughing or smiling. Teresa fingered her drink, apparently trying to think of what to say next. “How long did you go out?” she finally asked. “A little over a year. Maybe fifteen months.” “Why did you break up, because she was a stripper?” Teresa had stopped laughing and now looked slightly concerned. Some of the other people at the table had stopped talking and were leaning in, trying to hear the conversation. “No. She wanted to get married, and I didn't.” “Oh,” said Teresa in a small voice. The waiter had come back, and she traded him her empty glass for a full one. A slice of pineapple hung from the rim. “You didn’t want to marry a stripper?” “No, stripping had nothing to do with it.” I took my Remy from the waiter and nodded a thank you. “Didn't it bother you? I buried my nose in the snifter containing the Remy and inhaled deeply. My nostrils tingled. “Stripping? No.” “Don't strippers also accept money for sex?” The other man at the table was watching me now, and for the first time since the evening began, he seemed to be enjoying himself. I lowered my glass and swirled the cognac around. “You’re confusing stripping with hooking,” I replied. “Same difference,” Teresa said evenly. Her lips had begun to tighten and disappear. I shrugged again and took a healthy swig from the snifter. “Do you go to strip clubs often?” Teresa’s voice had sharpened, and she seemed much less interested in me now. I puffed air from my mouth, feeling the Remy slide down to my stomach and igniting the flesh along the way. “How many times a week is often?” Teresa’s mouth flapped open and closed a couple of times, and then she raised her own glass and sipped furiously at the straws. Janet turned in my direction. “What is the attraction with strippers?” she asked stiffly. I could see the facilitator trying to look at me around the curve of Janet’s turtleneck sweater. I looked back at Janet and said, “They generally have little problem with getting naked.” “Do you pay them for sex?” I raised my glass and took another large sip. “Sometimes. Sometimes not. Depends on the girl, the day, the mood.” One of Teresa’s hands held her glass in the air, and the other was buried in her armpit. “Do you also see hookers?” she asked with sarcastic joviality. I returned my gaze to Teresa. Her cheeks were much redder now. “Street girls, no. Escorts, yes.” “Why?” asked Janet with feeling. “Convenience, honesty, reliability. And they go home afterwards.” By now everyone at the table had stopped talking and was listening to us. The facilitator gave me a furious look, then turned to the other man and asked him a question, but everyone ignored her. I looked at the women one by one as I spoke. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but have any of you ever engaged in physical activity with the idea that you would be compensated somehow, even if the compensation was not explicitly stated?” “Define compensation.” Kaitlin sat up and joined the conversation. “A place to spend the night, a ride, cash, a gift, a promotion, a plum work assignment.” “By those definitions, yes. I slept with a partner once to get ahead. I was young, stupid, and it did not work. But yes, just the once.” I noticed that Kaitlin was drinking a pinkish concoction and that her glass was more than half full. Teresa and Janet traded glances and remained silent. Janet took a long pull on her drink and set it back on the table. She folded her arms over her chest and looked over at me. “Convenience, reliability, and leaving afterwards I can comprehend. But you also said that you see hookers because of honesty. What did you mean by that? Obviously not that she is ‘transparent’ about herself, since you are seeing all you wish to see of her already.” I looked in my glass at the last of the Remy. “I’m attracted to her physically, and that is what I want, a physical experience. She wants the cash. I know it. So we work out an agreeable price and enjoy each other. Then it is over. Besides, it costs not much more than dinner and a show.” At this last, Teresa and Janet collectively made a noise somewhere between a groan and a yelp, rolled their eyes, and sat back in their seats, both of them now with their arms crossed over their chests. The other man was looking around for the waiter, and spotting him, made a tracing motion with his finger to order another round. Kaitlin had pulled the straws out of her drink and was trying to fit the tip of one into the end of the other. “Have you ever slept with someone and promised them a promotion or a raise?” she asked, not looking up. “Never,” I replied, shaking my head for emphasis even though I knew she wouldn’t see it. Kaitlin pivoted in her seat to face the other man. “So, have you ever paid for sex?” she demanded. “Uhm. Ahh.” The other man turned red and began to look around for the waiter. “Well. S-s-sort of,” he finally stammered. “Are all men like this?” Teresa exploded. “Aren't there any decent men left? My ex used to get massages. It was a long time until I figured out why.” I put my palms on the table and spread my fingers out over the tablecloth. “You asked a question, I answered honestly.” The waiter had returned with a tray full of drinks. “Now it’s your turn. Did you ever cheat on your husband? Be honest, now.” The facilitator looked sharply at me, her face ashen. “Never,” Teresa said with more than a trace of smug superiority. “Never kissed another man?” “Of course, but that is not cheating.” The waiter hesitated slightly, and then continued to distribute the drinks. He put the tray down, and slowly and carefully began to collect the old glasses and wipe the table. “Did you ever kiss another man with intent?” “’Intent’? What do you mean, ‘intent’?” I downed the last of my Remy and handed the empty glass to the waiter. “Intent to excite physical passion.” Teresa hesitated. “I’m…I’m not sure.” “Has another man ever touched you in a sexual manner, not intercourse, just in a sexual manner?” “I did not do anything like that.” Teresa had found her footing again. “Never? I find it hard to believe that you have never been confronted with a sexual situation outside of your primary relationship.” The facilitator tried to speak again, stopped, and buried her head in her hands. Janet, who had been in the middle of another sip of her drink, hummed an assent as she swallowed. “I faced that once. We were all but naked. Except I could not go through with it. I stopped, and fortunately, he accepted the situation with good grace.” The waiter had run out of things to do at the table, and seemed to be idly flipping through his notebook. I paused and looked at him, and he self-consciously collected his tray and wandered away. I turned back to Janet. “Did you ever discuss this with your Significant Other?” “No. I couldn't.” “Why did you stop?” I glanced over at Kaitlin, who was still fiddling with the straws. “I don't know. I wanted it very much. But I could not go through with it. I just could not take the last step. I was actually crying with frustration.” Janet shook her head at the memory. “I think that is why my friend took it so well, because of the crying, that is.” “I had an affair.” Kaitlin had come back to life, and everyone looked at her. “My ex was having one. I was lonely. I missed sex, and I missed feeling good after sex even more. It was fun in the beginning, but it quickly became just another chore. I think it lasted all of three weeks. But I could have stopped before it started, if I had wanted to, and almost did. So I know what you mean.” Kaitlin pulled the straws from her new drink and began inserting them into the others. “So, wise guy,” she said, eyeing me sardonically. “Did you ever have an affair?” “No. I have dated two women at the same time. But not an ‘affair’.” “Semantics. Two women at the same time is having an affair.” Teresa seemed pleased with her role as the moral arbiter of the group. I took a sip of Remy and made a face. “I don't feel that way. I was not in a committed relationship, so it can’t be an affair.” “Did you ever touch a woman with intent?” Teresa leaned on her forearms to bore in on me. “Guilty. But nothing became of it. A little bit of flirting that got out of hand.” “So when does it become an affair? When it is it just flirting?” I sighed, thought for a moment, and then answered. “I’m not sure. But I would think that any oral/genital contact, penetration, or even mutual masturbation would qualify as an affair. A little touching and kissing would not cross the line. But others may disagree.” I looked over at Janet, but it was Teresa who spoke instead. “Would hookers count?” “Of course. Why do you even ask? Is a hooker somehow easier to take than an affair with the next door neighbor?” “I thought you would say it doesn’t count.” Teresa looked disappointed. “I think an affair is worse.” Janet had finished most of her drink and looked relaxed for the first time since the evening had started. “To know that my man was spending emotional energy on another person would be harder for me to tolerate. A hooker is money, and an affair is emotions. I think that is a big difference.” She poked at the ice in her glass with a straw, trying to tease out more liquid. Teresa waved her hand dismissively. “It doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating…period. Besides,” she said, turning to me, “Hookers have diseases. How can you risk it?” “Safe sex. Without exception. In fact…” I paused, considered what I was going to say for a moment, then continued. “I think girlfriends are a bigger risk, as one is tempted to engage in risky behavior – sex without condoms.” The rest of the group fell silent as they considered this point of view. The facilitator, seeing an opening, tried to revive an earlier conversation during dinner about the war in Iraq, but Teresa interrupted as if she wasn’t there. “Do you like hookers because you can get anal sex?” The other man at the table grinned happily, looking back and forth between Teresa and me. I inhaled deeply from the snifter before answering. “Sorry to disappoint you, but hookers are no different than regular folks. Some do it, many don't. But there is something liberating about not having to worry about your lover. One can concentrate on one’s own pleasure. One does not have to worry if she will respect you in the morning or think you are a pervert. With a lover, it is sometimes difficult to get to that level of intimacy and acceptance…at least for me. It seems odd, but one can be liberated with a hooker instantly in a way that takes great amount of time with a lover.” Teresa was looking at me skeptically, and her arms remained folded across her chest. “Is that a nice way to say ‘yes’?” I sipped cognac. “Alright. Yes, I have had anal sex with hookers. I have, for the record, had anal sex with several different lovers over the years. It is not something that I demand. But if the woman enjoys it, and I can pleasure her in that way, I will.” “It is never pleasurable to a woman. That’s a male fantasy perpetuated by pornography.” I glanced around the table. “Anyone else care to comment?” There was another pause and another chance to redirect the conversation, but the facilitator had finally given up, and there was only silence. Janet cleared her throat. “I tried it with my ex. It did not go so well. He was too big.” “Apparently that is not one of my failings,” I said ruefully. All eyes at the table turned towards Kaitlin. She was slouching again and picking at the end of one of the straws. “Well, it can be fun, but only with someone that I trust and love deeply. I can enjoy that.”. “I don't believe it,” Teresa huffed, and took refuge in her drink. “Well, I’m not Wilt Chamberlain, but I have had lovers that really enjoyed anal sex.” I glanced at the facilitator, who was ignoring the conversation now, leaning back and looking at something on the ceiling “They are a minority, but they do exist,” I added. Teresa wasn’t buying it. “You just said you aren’t an expert. How do you know they enjoyed it?” “They said so. Have you ever tried it?” “Never,” Teresa said. The smug tone had reappeared. “You might try something before knocking it.” Teresa gave me what she hoped was a withering look. “I know enough to know that is not something that I would like.” In spite of the mellowing effects of the cognac, I found myself increasingly irritated with Teresa. “Good. A woman should know her limits.” And with this last, the conversation faltered. As if on cue, the waiter approached the table and dropped off a leather booklet with the check; the facilitator caught it on the first bounce. Everyone took the hint and stood to leave. As they gathered up their coats, Kaitlin edged her way over to me. “That was the most fun I have ever had at one of these events.” I looked at her with surprise, and renewed optimism, but then she continued: “At first I thought you were a jerk. Now I don’t think you are a jerk anymore. I might not want to date you, but you do know how to keep a conversation interesting.” For the first time all evening, I found myself at a loss for words. Kaitlin had been a possibility; this was indeed a shame. Everyone shook hands and said goodbye and thanked each other for the pleasant evening. Then the facilitator drew me aside and offered to refund my money, suggesting that I not contact the agency again. I decided not to tell her that this would be easy, since I did not contact them in the first place. I repaired to the restroom for much-needed relief. As I stood waiting for my bladder to empty, I mentally replayed the conversation with Teresa. The moral of the story, I decided, was this: Women demand honesty from a man because they associate honesty with respect; not because they want to talk about strippers, hookers, and anal sex at the dinner table. I shook myself dry and washed my hands. I wondered how I would explain the evening to my friends, and hoped that they would get their money back. Pushing my way through the bathroom door, I turned and headed towards the lobby. Teresa was standing there, holding her coat. She looked at me for a few moments, and I looked at her, and she didn’t look away. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-06T09:18:03-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1157378129.html My Excellent Adventure with "Table for Six" text STOP THE KEYWORD ABUSE!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1156764465.html Okay. I understand that you want to sell your stuff. It's understandable that you would want your ad to reach the most people possible, but enough is enough! I'm looking for a set of HID lights. JUST A SET OF HID LIGHTS! Not a rental fender roller! Not window tinting! Not your set of ROTA Slipstreams. (I'm sure they're really cool though) I don't own an EVO, so that carbon fiber wing will just have to wait. Although it's cool, I wasn't looking for your Nintendo-painted valve cover either! I'm also pretty convinced that my CRX won't take your Dodge full size aftermarket chrome fender trim, but if you want to try to make it work............... Please, just go with the flow! Stop trying to buck the system. Take the time to edit your keyword lists so they might actually attract the kind of buyers you need! You can spam the hell out of the whole world with your B-Series turbo kit, but that won't mean that the guy looking for a fender will suddenly decide that your stuff will work on his Ford Thunderbird! Your ads are why CL made the little "flag this post" button. You're spam. Pure and simple. Back off a little and think about your customer base. It might save you some time re-posting, and it'll definitely save the rest of time wading through ads that have nothing to do with what we're trying to find. I can think of too many ways I'd rather be spending my time. PEACE! keywords: acura integra, monkey, ls, keyboard, gsr, spoonzilla, type r, pollute, blades, rabid chipmunk, rota, balloon, rotas, craptastic, rims, twinkie, oem wheels, oem boobjob, civic, civic responsibility, hatchback, kickback, DC, AC, EG, ergo, EK, Elk, del sol, del puta, si, no, civic, again?, jdm, always, accord, flamethrower, enkei, dinky, rota, blasto!, gsr, again again?, b18,k20,every Honda engine ever produced, integra typer ,16J, what's that?, DM ,jdm honda, hatch, rota, MORE ROTAS! slips, slops, slipstreams, sloppybeans, circuit , ground fault, 10 track, 8-track, r j mag si, kidney farmer, webs, spiders, fresh , as a day in May, clean turbo, dirty downpipe, And now for every car manufacturer to ever foist a car on the US market!!!, civic,itr,ctr honda acura saturn kia bmw nissian vw chevy ford toyota civic crx accord s2000 si sir , Don't forget every kind of Honda ever produced!, type r ef eg ek ex dx lx hx coupe sedan hatch hatchback integra rsx 2 3 4 door 2dr 3dr 4dr lug lugs AND EVERY YEAR SINCE 1980!!! 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 00 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 1980 1981 1982 1983 1984 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995 1996 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 (WHEW!) ........More parts ahead!, rim rims wheel wheels tire tires eagle racing alloy chrome shine slick slicks slip slips slipstream ls webs mesh rota, ROTAS ARE POPULAR! Now for every conceiveable color!!! white black blue red yellow green purple pink aftermarket ebay stock new used (Got em both! My stuff's both new and used!) Now for more Honda engines!, b d series b15 b16 b18 d15 d16 d20 y6 y7 y8 z6 swap mini-me conversion NOW FOR MORE CAR PARTS, BECAUSE IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR ONE PART, YOU DEFINITELY NEED TO LOOK AT MINE!!!, transmission engine , pickle, motor, what kind of pickle?, block, I think it was a garlic dill, head headers, Are they sliced thin for my sandwitch? manifold alternator, No Man. They're the little ones, distributor ignition, Forget it then. I need mine sliced. throttle throttlebody, You know what you are. You're a pickle snob. body down pipe, Maybe, but at least I know what I like. Life's too short to be disappointed by an uncut pickle, piping exhaust, Yeah, that's what your Mom said too. muffler axel cat, Ohhh!!!, catback headlight, peanut, tail light hood, hang-a-fang, fender, aloha grill grille spliin bumper door panel boss's boss's boss will fire you, trunk lid, fine wine, lip window tint, fine women, plastic arm rest, hot babes, dash cluster gauge gauges, ugly ones too, indiglo indeglo indiglow vtec v-tec , vee tekkk, vtech v-tech , felt-lined, turbo wiring harness ball bearing, repeated word cause I just copied and pasted another spammed-out ads keywords, cold air intake filter spark, more damn car parts, plug plugs, ROUS, radiator intercooler ctr itr, What the hell is a ROUS? jdm oem mugen hid hids bright, rodents of unusual size! halogen, still not givin up! smoke smoked housing tire tires tired of the keywords greddy apexi strut, You're gonna buy my shit!!!, bar rear upper lower front suspension brake brakes shock springs, look at me Mom! I can fly!!! coilover coilovers coil over wing duck bill fin mid carbon fiber mugen vavle cover integra dc2 eg ej ek em dc5 honda oem vavle cover red Good Lord. <ul> <li> Location: Auto Parts Listings <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-05T20:53:54-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1156764465.html STOP THE KEYWORD ABUSE!!! text FREE DOG HOUSE http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1156515169.html FREE DOG HOUSE!!!! it has only been used about 5 mil times!!! Its in GREAT SHAPE!!! just a few things wrong about it that you might want to know.. 1. it's made from card board. 2. theres a piece of poop in it that wont come out (not mine) 3. i stole it out of someones yard 4. ive been living in it for the past 6 months SO DON'T WORRY! IT WORKS GREAT AS A HOME FOR YOU DOG! WARNING!! DO NOT WASH IT! I KNOW IT'S SMELLY BUT DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT WASH IT! <ul> <li> Location: NE Portland <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-05T17:37:22-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1156515169.html FREE DOG HOUSE text Seeking Medical Marijuana Patients http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/prv/1153622688.html Skilled botanist seeks medical marijuana patients. Rhode Island law has been recently loosened to allow for legal growing of marijuana for suffering patients by up to two named caregivers. To date over 500 patients have registered and over 300 caregivers are licensed to grow medical marijuana for their patients. I am a botanist, skilled in organic methods, with an interest in entering the field of caregivers. If you are suffering from any condition that causes chronic pain or wasting syndrome, including but not limited to cancer, Hepatitis C, AIDS (or HIV positive), or a condition that causes ticking, including but not limited to Parkinson's disease, you may legally seek a recommendation from your doctor to try medical marijuana. Marijuana is the wonder drug for cancer and AIDS, as it relieves pain, increases appetite, and grants a temporary respite from depression, coupled with mild circulatory stimulation and a desire to get back out into the world and enjoy life. The FDA has recommended its legalization nationwide, which previous federal administrations have chosen to ignore. The current administration, however, has recently vowed not interfere with any state medical marijuana program, leaving you as a patient and me as a caregiver free to exercise our freedom and not fear any prosecution under any court. It is safe, legal, and may just help to turn your life around. Marijuana need not be delivered through unhealthy smoke inhalation, but also through vaporization (inhalation of water vapor infused only with the active chemical), or ingestion of tasty treats, leaving your health decisions in your own hands. If you are already a registered patient with only one caregiver, please contact me. I am confident in my skills and will happily pay for the registration fee to add another caregiver and subsequently supply a free sample and continued services if you desire. If you are not a registered patient, but are suffering from chronic pain, wasting syndrome, or ticking, please consider talking to your doctor about medical marijuana, and contact me for supply if you wish to give it a go. Cheers! A friendly Rhode Island botanist. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> <li>License info: Unlicensed</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-04T10:58:16-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/prv/1153622688.html Seeking Medical Marijuana Patients text 10 Reasons I Should Be Single/Celibate http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/1151772665.html 1. Sex. what's the big deal? You like it, I like it. What we have here is a mutual trading of wants, some of that for some of this. Which, by the way, I'm told I'm quite good at. Is it because now that I want it you don't? I'm confused, didn't you used to like sex? I thought you did, and believe me, my libido hasn't diminished one ounce since I was 14. I'm tired of masturbating when you're around, what's the point? Sometimes you(I) just need to fuck. 2. Screaming kids. Hell no. 3. In-laws. Hell no. I barely tolerate my family. 4. My Body. Every married couple I know has become a chubby representation of themselves. Where is the skinny person I knew? I'm sure they're in there somewhere. My chances of not becoming a fatass plummet drastically when I get involved. I like working out, but when sitting on the couch cuddling becomes an activity, the gym forgets I even exist (or vice versa). Where has my waist gone? 5. My Brain. I was interested in learning once upon a time, I really was. I derailed my chances at grad school for a girl, a lying deceitful girl, and never looked back on my education. How do you revert my cerebellum into the primordial ooze it was millions of years ago with your sexy walk or whispering whiskey voice? What is this hold you have over me? 6. My Time. I like my free time: I can play video games, ski, go running, make coffee, play with the cats, shape the bonsai trees, clean the bathroom (it totally needs it!), and any of the hundred other activities I do when not involved with someone. Where does the time go when we chat and joke, filling my day with useless banter while the sun progresses across the horizon? I want it back. Note: Time spent in bed (a.k.a. #1) is hereby referred to as happy time, and not deducted from my potential free time. I appreciate that time, I really do. 7. My money. It seems like $100 bills fly out of my pocket when I'm involved with you women. Where do they go? It used to be an easy trade, I would spend some money, then get some sex. Gone are the simple days of thinly veiled prostitution, where we get some food, have some drinks, then on to the fucking! Yes, I like the eating out as much as anyone, but our days and meeting up seem to revolve around food. Did I always eat this much? I remember when one good meal a day was sufficient. See #1 and & #4 for further clarification. 8. My friends. I used to have plenty of friends: ski buddies, drinking buddies, workout buddies, geek buddies, all around guy friends. Those have faded away over time, not really sure why, but I'll blame that on #1 too (Not my happy time, their happy time. Okay, sometimes my happy time too, like when I blow off my ski buddies to stay in bed with you). It's hard to make friends when you're older, mostly because they're a package deal: Ken and Trina, Neal and Heather, Mark and Stephanie. My friends aren't some amorphous blob that used to be two distinct individuals, but the changeling they've evolved into has only one thought process, as if they share one brain. I want my friend back! What possible wedge can I drive between them, since she is clearly providing #1? I have no weapon in my arsenal that comes close. 9. My Bad Habits. Heavy smoking, heavy drinking, copious amounts of drugs, pron, my slutty behavior, picking my nose, blah blah blah. You're tired of it all, I get it. Confronting me about it will only drive me to perform said behavior like a sneak-thief. Why do I feel guilty? No, I won't change, although I may slow down for the benefit of my liver. It told me the other day that he didn't sign up for this abuse, and he's moving on. He doesn't trust my random bouts of sobriety either. 10. My Sanity. Why oh why do I attempt to figure you out, damnable women? I'm sure in your brain that your behavior makes sense, but I bash my head in repeatedly attempting to figure you out. Please don't be cute and subtle, be direct. That's the only thing I understand, really, because underneath all of this, I'm just a big dumb animal. I guess underneath it all, I am too concerned about the little (I shouldn't call him that) prick between my legs. He's gotten me into waaay too much trouble over the years. How does the lack of blood flow to my larger brain become disrupted? The only concilation is that once I ejaculate (from #1, not from a manual override), I come back to my senses for a good 20 minutes, so feel free to ask me questions during that period. I might even be honest. <ul> <li> Location: Salt Lake, a.k.a. My Hell <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-02T22:42:07-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/1151772665.html 10 Reasons I Should Be Single/Celibate text 80' Sea Serpent Dragon http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1150010416.html We are selling our 80 foot sea serpent. Potential Uses This large art construction/installation could be easily assembled to fit many spaces or projects. The serpent has a manually animated head and spews smoke from its nostrils (safe for indoor use). It would be perfect for a Burning Man project. It would make a great addition to a prop warehouse for theater or film. It would create an awesome atmosphere for nightclubs, concerts (imagine your Metal band with an 80’ serpent spewing smoke), raves, festivals or other music events. This dragon would be fabulous in a Renaissance fair, or other public festival. The head could go into a miniature golf course or other outdoor family attraction. It would be a killer addition to someone’s art space or private residence. This dragon / sea serpent would really make someone’s space or event. Quality of Build The serpent was designed to last in a parade on the bay. Its construction is durable and weather resistant. The Head The head has a wood and chicken wire armature. The head frame is built out of 1x2 pine boards. Two 24-inch eye-bolts are connected to the wood frame. Two lines of cable or rope connected to these bolts can control the height as well as tilt of the head. The skin of the head is fiberglass coated in exterior grade house paint. It is light and strong, and durable in indoor or outdoor environments. The Body The body hangs from a 100’ backbone of plastic gas piping. 3’ diameter sonotubes form ribs which are reinforced by PVC piping. The ribs are connected to the backbone using simpson straps and hose clamps. This creates skeleton that is rigid when fixed, but flexible to create complex curves during assembly. The skin of the body is formed with over 250 2’ by 1’ fiberboard scales, screwed into the sonotube ribs. Each scale is painted using exterior grade house paint, and has metallic gold highlights. The belly of the beast is covered in a canvas skin. Animation The neck of the serpent is flexible even after assembly and allows for vertical and horizontal movement of the head. The construction allows for vigorous movement within an over 90 degree arc. The tail section is also flexible and can be animated. Some of the Material Components Fiberglass (5 gallons of epoxy, and 100 square feet of fibermat) 15 1x2 8’ lengths of pine 50 square feet of chicken wire 7 gallons of exterior grade house paint 100 feet of plastic gas pipe 50+ 8’ lengths of pvc pipe 20 8’x4’ fiberboard sheets 40+ 3’ diameter sonotube ribs 50 square feet of canvas 7+ lbs of screws 50+ simpson straps 120+ hose clamps 1 Fog machine All totaled there are approximately $3000 worth of materials in the serpent. History of Serpent The serpent was constructed for the 2009 P.I.C.Y.A. opening day parade. It was built by a team of 7 artists and builders over a four week period. The components were constructed off site and assembled on the boat for the parade. A lot of hard work and love went into its construction and it won first place in its category. The serpent currently lives in the Emeryville marina. We are currently accepting offers for the serpent. Our first priority is that the serpent finds a good home where it will get use. If you have a space or event you think could benefit from an 80 foot sea serpent, please contact us with a description of your event and make an offer. Via email or phone 415.424.5682 More photos of the serpent and its construction can be found on flickr <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/35386430@N06/sets/72157617471502463/">http://www.flickr.com/photos/35386430@N06/sets/72157617471502463/</a> <img src="1150010416.jpg"> <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-01T16:46:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1150010416.html 80' Sea Serpent Dragon text Trade Cockatiel for Wedding Ring http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/1147985197.html Want to trade adorable bird for wedding ring. I purchased this cockatiel for my girlfriend on Valentines Day 2008. It turns out that cockatiels are great pets except for the constant shedding, pooping, screaming and absolute lack of affection for its owners. Harrington is the bird's name and he would like to come live with you, however, my girlfriend has formed an attachment to this animal. Apparently, she thinks it is cute when he buzzes by our heads at 100mph or screams as loud as he can while we try to take a mid afternoon, Sunday nap. Some of his other great qualities include: 1. Chasing the dog. Jaxson is our dog's name. She leaves the room at the first notion that Harrington is free from his cage. The bird weighs a few ounces and the dog 75lbs but Harrington rules the roost, so to speak. 2. Watching TV. Harrington loves CNN - something about political talk on TV really gets Harrington going. I prayed he would rupture his vocal cords during the 24hour coverage of the 2008 presidential election. 3. Total independence. Harrington's wings have grown out since we got him in Feb. 2008. He can fly, fast. He doesn't want to be handled, touched, or even looked at. He has a tendency to hiss just before he bites, so in his defense, we are given some warning. My girlfriend loves animals! All animals! Unfortunately, she has created an unexplainable bond with this bird. If it were up to me, I would set him free but I fear I would be set free as well. I think the sting of loosing her bird would be lessened if I had a wedding ring to replace him with. I would like to trade this wonderful pet (cage and all his paraphernalia included) for a wedding ring. The ideal candidate would be a deaf woman who recently broke off her engagement and is looking for a hands-off companion. If you know someone, please pass along this posting. <img src="1147985197.1.jpg"> <img src="1147985197.2.jpg"> <img src="1147985197.3.jpg"> <img src="1147985197.4.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Westport/Plaza <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-30T14:51:40-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/1147985197.html Trade Cockatiel for Wedding Ring text Pet Posting Guidelines http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1147304845.html Some of your posts are painful to read. Do us all a favor and memorize this list. *Unless he ate a loaf of bread, your dog is NOT a PUREBREAD, he is a PUREBRED *Horses are ‘Thoroughbred’; dogs are not. *AKC is NOT proof of breed quality. Two horribly bred dogs can have AKC puppies *Rehoming to ENSURE good home, not INSURE good home *It is spelled: Neuter not Nueter or Newter Chihuahua not Chiguagua, or Chiuauauaua, or Ciuauaua or Cheewawa Rottweiler not Rottwhiler Shih Tzu not Shitzoo Cocker Spaniel not Cockerspaniol (and they do NOT come in 'miniture') Jack Russell Terrier not Jack Rustle Terryor There is no such thing as a ‘Golden Lab’ German Shepherd not Shepard Puppy not Puppie Very not Verry Adoption not adaption You had your dog dewormed, not wormed. No one gives dogs worms on purpose *It is 'a lot' not 'alot'. *Multiple dogs 'are'; one dog 'is' *YOU didn’t provide a ‘loving forever home’ and you can’t ‘GARENTEA’ that someone else will either…oh and it's GUARANTEE *Your dog is 'housebroken' not 'housebroked' *Your dog was 'spayed' not 'spade' *Your dog was born, not borned. *Commas and periods are your friends. USE THEM. *YOU DON’T HAVE TO CAPITALIZE YOUR ENTIRE POST, TRUST ME, WE CAN READ IT. *Just say ’50.00 adoption fee’. ‘Rehoming fee does apply’ is stupid, evasive, wordy and unnecessary. *Every sentence! Doesn’t need! An exclamation! Point! *It is not "please only call if your interested", it is "please call if YOU'RE interested". You're is 'you are'. Your is possessive (your hat is nice). *There are a few exceptions, but to keep things simple, follow this general rule: 'a' comes before a consonant, 'an' comes before a vowel. 'A cat', 'An apple'. *You don't need to clarify that you will only give your dog to a 'good loving home'. It is assumed that decent people are not going to give their dog to a random scumbag. If you are concerned about the quality of the adopter, do a HOME CHECK (you should anyway). *Stop threatening to take the dog to the pound if someone doesn't 'save it'. YOUR lack of responsibility is not other people's problem. Also, before threatening us with the pound, take a few minutes to view this video: <a href="http://www.hbo.com/docs/programs/dealingdogs/">http://www.hbo.com/docs/programs/dealingdogs/</a> so that you know what exactly you’re doing to your pet. *You interview a PERSON; you do a HOME CHECK. You do NOT interview a house 'Rehoming fees' are NOT $400.00, nice try, but NO. *PLEASE stop saying you have to 'get rid of' your dog. You 'get rid of' an STD; you hopefully find your dog a better home than you choose to provide. It is heartbreaking to see you care so little for a dog who probably loves you more than life. *Some of you play the cute little game of saying "No rehoming fee, Adoption fees apply" HUH?! CUT THE ****,JUST TELL US HOW MUCH MONEY YOU WANT FOR YOUR BELOVED. You are starting to sound like a used car salesman. *STOP blaming your landlord. It is YOUR responsibility, as an adult, to find out what the pet restrictions are BEFORE you bring a dog home. *Stop blaming flaggers for interfering with your dog finding a home. Your refusal to honestly post the rehoming fee is the reason the dog isn't finding a new home. *Please Please Please stop giving your pets away for free. People who collect pets for medical research or dog fight bait aren't going to tell you that is why they want your animal. They will seem sincere when they tell you they desperately want to add a new member to their family. A $50.00 adoption fee will protect your pet from many untold horrors. *One last thing. If you have an 'accidental litter', and you are asking $250 obo, YOU ARE A BYB. Don't pretend to be a victim of circumstance, or innocent. If it were your teen daughter who got pregnant, we would all understand; you can't spay your human child (although that might not be a bad idea in some cases). You CAN be responsible for your pets though, so it is not an accident if they get pregnant. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-30T08:35:29-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1147304845.html Pet Posting Guidelines text "Ducks in a row, but splashing in puddles" ... best bot title EVER. - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/1146231200.html That being said, I sincerely apologize to the 32-year-old female poster who titled her ad as such, if it is in fact, a legitimate plea to find someone to have a “wild fun time” with. There’s nothing wrong with butt-splashing in puddles. Sounds pretty hot in fact. Makes me think of like… making out in the rain, but just… literally so much dirtier. 1st Runner Up: “My Life is my message” … What? That… would almost make sense if your ad actually included any relevant info whatsoever about your life. You cybertronic whore. And finally, “i want a mac.” Simple. BAM! In yo’ face! She’s not fuckin’ around with that shit. But that one’s way too straightforward and "to the point" to be fake, and is henceforth disqualified from the runnings. I mean a real bot would totally be asking for a PC, right? Like a Mac would be compatible with a bot, let alone anything else… Ok yeah, so… all shit-talking aside, I too am posting a lame sex ad. Feel free to make fun of it and/or my hypocrisy at any time. Also, to laugh heartily at my computer if and when you see it. So then, here I go. On to the gritty details. And when I say gritty, what I really mean is… not what it makes me think of in the context of a sex ad, which is sand in the vag. I should probably just find a word other than gritty, but alas… time’s a-wasting, and rewriting typically takes me longer than moving forward with rambling and verbose explanatory tangents. “Specific.” There we go. (Sorry). I’m actually not looking for lame sex, as might be construed from my wording in the previous paragraph. Hot sex is more what I’m hoping for. Preferably with a kind-hearted hot guy. (I’m carnal enough to be fairly strongly attracted to people based on physical attributes alone, yet genuinely caring enough that admitting this makes me feel like a shallow no-good cum dumpster). But do not be discouraged! My preconceived notions of what’s attractive are fairly eclectic, and can be significantly magnified or diminished by personality/intelligence. I’m a total sucker for those who are artsy/musical/nerdy/overly-ponderous and/or so in love with life that the current state of it sometimes leaves them mildly depressed. Don't be emo though. Emotion is great. Emo is great for coping with being in high school. That being said, I really just want someone to make out with at this point (preferably somewhat aggressively, or dare I say, "passionately?" like maybe up against a wall or something? ... and then of course whatever follows naturally from that), so personality isn’t so key as it would be if I were looking for some kind of long-term commitment deal, but still, it would be nice to at least be able to stand each other’s company, right? About me: In relatively decent shape. Smaller a.k.a. “perky” boobs. “Healthy” butt. Shorter hair. Described as hot by people who know me, though it’s not in a way that causes strangers to readily approach me about it. Random. Dorky. Occasionally I smell like smoke. I may be a fire fighter. More likely a smoker. I'm doing my best to look older, but they just keep I.D.ing me and telling me how I look like I’m about 18. Whoever “they” are… So then, my only definite stipulations for you are that you enjoy listening to music* during sex (or at any other time, preferably all the time), and will drink with me beforehand (at least initially if it becomes an ongoing thing) to get us loosened up a bit. And so that I don’t feel like a complete wino drinking by myself. *I’m a bit of a music fiend, and thus would bet probably… 2 or 3 dollars on the fact that we have at least a small area of overlap in musical tastes, which in my opinion, is enough of a basis for even the most unlikely of friendships to blossom from. And so I’m still not ruling anyone out here, but I’m guessing that if you don’t enjoy at least one of the following artists or (to be read with a finger-quote motion) “genres,” you’re probably into things like kicking animals and donkey punching - funny in theory but not so much in practice – and we’d likely fight more often than fuck. And if you’re looking for casual fighting on craigslist, you’re probably already drunk, and would do well to aim that mouse a little more carefully at the “rants and raves” link. ;-) (Alphabetized for your browsing convenience): Bloc Party Bob Dylan David Bowie Devo Devotchka Dr. Dog Elliott Smith Elvis Costello Gorillaz Hot Chip Metric MGMT Muse Neutral Milk Hotel New Order Pink Floyd Pretty much anything found on a Wes Anderson soundtrack Radiohead Ratatat Regina Spektor The Arcade Fire The Doves The Ink Spots The Kronos Quartet Tom Waits Vampire Weekend Ween “World” music Please respond with: 1). A relatively clear face photo and any others you deem applicable. 2). Your height. 3). Times you’d generally be available for fucking one another’s brains out. 4). Your thoughts on a sex soundtrack lineup. 5). The actual number of artists I have in my music library if the number I have listed above (don’t include the “genres”) makes up 1 point six 4 nine7 for six to% of the total that iTunes claims I have, assuming that iTunes is semi-retarded and double-counts an average of 15 artists per letter of the alphabet for no apparent reason. And no that is not my disguised phone number. This is a real math problem and I expect a real answer. Bee-yatch. Please show your work or issue a verbal assault for asking you to solve such an asinine word problem on the last day of school when all you wanted was a good easy lay. 6). A brief explanation of why the verbs “lie” and “lay” are so commonly misused. Copy and paste it from a grammar website if you want, but do us both a favor and figure it out. So help me god if after laying each other down to fuck, we’re lying in bed together and you use the wrong word… 7). Some indication that you recognize and understand tongue-in-cheek. 8). Any other information you’d like to include – relevant or otherwise. I promise I’ll respond accordingly. :D <ul> <li> Location: in or around your mom, UT <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-29T13:00:04-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/1146231200.html "Ducks in a row, but splashing in puddles" ... best bot title EVER. - w4m text Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/1145392897.html I will pay you $1 USD to sit in my bathtub full of noodles while you wear a one piece bathing suit. I will not be home, nor will anyone else while you do this. I will leave the key for you, and you will sit at your leisure. I will require at least a 5 minutes stay. A neighbor will watch the front door from across the street and using a supplied stopwatch, will time your entry and departure. Please supply your own footwear. The noodles will be cooked, and therefore slippery. DO NOT bring any sauce. I will season the pasta after I return home prior to dinner. <ul> <li> Location: Pittsburgh, Northside <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: $1 USD </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-29T01:39:05-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/1145392897.html Woman to sit in my bath tub full of noodles, wearing a bathing suit. text Relationship Assistance - Part Time http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1144016783.html Super busy affluent SF Arts/ Entrepreneur who travels a lot for work needs part time help finding a girlfriend/LTR. I figured that someone out there must have the skills and time to do this for me, like hiring a recruiter to help find the right employee. This is a project that might take a month or two. The pay would be $30 an hour up to $5000 with a bonus if we succeed. I am a 50 something year old fit, smart, attractive, cultured, extrovert, humorous, white guy married once no kids. And I am a quasi high profile SF person with full a biography and photos online i.e. not some closet weirdo. I’m looking for a youthful super smart stylish creative urban woman who lives in SF for LTR. That seems pretty straightforward. The job would involve finding and interviewing 5- 10 women online and in person (I am picky visually). It would take a couple months I assume. If you are interested in this job, please send me a note and let me know why you would be good at it, why I should trust you, and how you would go about it. Confidentiality and discretion on all levels is a priority. I’ve never done this before, and I am neither patient nor experienced with online dating. You need to be SF based, college educated, smart and street savvy, with a highly organized nature, great sense of humor, refined taste and an especially good eye. You can send me a resume if you want, but this is not essential. <ul> <li> Compensation: $30 per hour plus bonus <li> This is a part-time job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-28T07:43:48-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1144016783.html Relationship Assistance - Part Time text Husband wants a rusty trombone for his birthday http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mia/1143295553.html My husband has asked for a rusty trombone for his birthday, which is Wednesday. I've scoured the pawn shops and music stores, and I haven't found one. I am guessing that rusty ones will be cheaper than new ones, and I don't know what the big deal is, but it's what he wants and he is very specific about it. I could have bought a dozen new ones at this point, but he says that a rusty trombone is nostalgic for him, so I suppose it will mean more. If you selling (or even giving away) a rusty trombone, please let me know what you have, how much it costs and how I can get it (will you deliver it, or will I have to go to you?). Also, suggestions on how to wrap such a thing? Please help, I am down to the wire on this thing and I don't like being this late with a gift!!! <ul> <li> Location: Miami ANYWHERE! <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-27T20:03:31-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mia/1143295553.html Husband wants a rusty trombone for his birthday text UPDATE: Can somebody tell me how to give a great blow job? - w4mw http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1142071307.html I have to stop! I can't possibly respond to everybody. I had no Idea I would get so many suggestions. For those interested, the most common suggestions in no particular order are: 1) Go deep and hold your breath. 2) Make it wet 3) Use your hands also 4) Don't use your hands 5) Go slow 6) Go fast 7) Change up speed 8) Make eye contact 9) Hold his balls 10) Be gentle with the grandchildren (I had to ask-->Hold his balls gently) 11) Enjoy it 12) Always let him come in your mouth 13) Let him come in your mouth only on special occasions 14) Bargain for a nice dinner out first- That way you will really be excited to do it 15) Always swallow 16) Have him come in a glass and then you drink it 17) Invite a girlfriend or two to assist you. 18) Get between his legs to do it, rather than from the side. 19) Don't talk on the phone at the same time 20) Do it while he is on the phone with his boss. 21) Do it during dinner 22) Wake him up with it 23) Help him get to sleep with it I've also had well over 100 men volunteer to offer to let me practice on them. (Thanks guys!) A half dozen guys volunteered to have their wives show me how (Thanks guys!..and gals!). One woman volunteered her husband so that she could take a break. (Thanks for that too!) The best advice was to give a blow job to my ex's best friend and have him tell my ex that I'm no so bad. I have to say, that's my favorite, but why stop at just ONE best friend?! So guys, if your best friend recently got divorced, don't act stupid when I drop a hint. <ul> <li> Location: apex <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-27T08:57:32-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1142071307.html UPDATE: Can somebody tell me how to give a great blow job? - w4mw text You - Gorgeous... Me - A Gamer... - still single http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1141856743.html It was last Friday. I had just gotten up from a SWEET game of Warcraft on my PC. Anyway, I realized I was dangerously low on Mountain Dew, so I threw on my lucky green sweat pants and my trenchcoat to walk 3 blocks to the convenience store. I figured if I had enough change, I might even pick up some Slim Jims, but I digress... On my way back to my apartment, Dew and Slim Jims in hand, I saw you and your friends walking into the Jazz club across the street. You seemed so comfortable and cool dressed to the nines for an evening of drinks and dancing with those closest to you. It was then that I knew I had to meet you. Although I had never been in that particular establishment, I followed you in. You probably would have seen me, but I was slowed by an argument with the doorman over my attire. After a few minutes, I think I had him convinced I looked ok, but then he proceeded to ask me for $10 just to walk into the bar. I couldn't believe they wanted to charge me just to get in. I, of course had no money, having spent every spare cent on caffeine and sticks of processed beef. I walked back to the convenience store and failed in my effort to return the goods I had so recently purchased. Luckily, the store had an ATM, so I pleaded with the checker to hold my purchases behind the counter for a short time, and I withdrew $20 from the cash machine. Armed with my fresh $20 bill, I marched to the Jazz Club, paid the $10 cover, and went looking for the woman of my dreams. I saw you immediately, near the bar with your friends. You were at the end of the group with some space next to you, so I settled in close. You noticed me once or twice as I cleared my throat nervously trying to think of what to say. It sounded like you may have commented on my trenchcoat to one of your friends, but I couldn’t be sure. I finally bumped you to get your attention. I may have bumped to hard as I noticed you spilled some of your drink on your shirt. Sorry about that. ME: So... Do you come here often? YOU: No. (you turn back to your friends) ME: Me neither. I hate bars. I can't come to terms with why anyone would want to pay such high margins on watered down drinks they could make at home for a fraction of the cost... (I trail off noticing you aren't listening) I regroup and lean in close to your ear... ME: What are you drinking there? YOU: (barely looking over your should back to me) A gin and tonic. ME: Can I buy you one? YOU: I already have one, see... (you hold up your drink sarcastically) ME: Well then, can I reimburse you for the one you are drinking? YOU: What? (looking at me now) ME: Let me pay you back for that one. YOU: Whatever. (looking puzzled and annoyed) ME: How much was it? YOU: What? ME: How much is a gin and tonic? YOU: Five dollars ME: Jesus Christ! What fool pays $5 for a freakin’ drink? That's robbery!!! YOU: Get away from me. ME: (embarrassed by my outburst) No, no, no. I said I'd pay you for it, so I will. (reaching in my pocket) Do you have change for a $10? You: What? ME: I only have a ten dollar bill? Do you have five dollars change? YOU: (turning to face me completely and folding your arms as your friends quiet down to watch our interaction) Actually, this drink was $6 with tip. ME: What? YOU: My drink. It was $5 plus $1 for tip! ME: Damn, this is getting expensive. Ok, do you have $4 change for my $10. YOU: No. ME: Well, then I'll have to get change from the bartender. YOU: Don't bother. Leave me alone. (you turn back to your friends as they erupt in laughter) I spend 10 mintues trying to get the bartender's attention. I can't blame him much because he was very busy serving so many other morons begging to be robbed of their hard earned dollars. When he finally gets to me, he tells me he won't give me change, but I can buy a drink and will get change from that. I tell him I wouldn't dream of paying such inflated prices for frozen water and a few drops of our country’s last legal poison… He goes on to the next patron. Frustrated, I go to the bathroom to pee and think about my next move. I’m pretty sure if I can just pay you for that drink that we will soon be making hot monkey love back at my apartment. However, I am disappointed at how much dating is already costing me, and how many obstacles one must overcome to simply buy a girl a drink. I start to plan my speech to you about how I may have jumped into this relationship too quickly, and that maybe we should just be friends. While washing my hands in the sink, I notice there’s a bathroom attendant. He is smiling and waiting with fresh paper towels for me. Next to him is his tray of tips stacked with dollar bills. I drop my ten dollar bill on the tray, as the attendants smile widens. Then, I pick up a pile of ones and begin counting them. The bathroom attendant gets very hostile and grabs the cash from my hand. I wrestle with him over the wad of cash. One of the bouncers must have been just outside the bathroom. I was sure that he would understand my story, and we could get everything sorted out. Boy was I wrong. He didn’t want to hear anything. He just grabbed me by my trench coat and ripped me out the bathroom door and toward the exit. I yelled “I LOVE YOU” to you as he dragged me past your group. You replied loudly for all to hear FUCK OFF CREEP!!! I know we’re meant for each other. Give me another chance. <ul> <li> Location: Mom's basement <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-26T21:54:22-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1141856743.html You - Gorgeous... Me - A Gamer... - still single text Some Advice From Your Public Defender http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1140769884.html First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed. You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you. When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up. Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z. I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them. Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less. It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet. For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself. For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours. For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry. If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail. Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security. And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison. "I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense. "All the money is gone now." Not a defense "The bitch deserved it." Not a defense. "But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense. "She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends. "She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die. For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase. For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-26T07:43:19-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1140769884.html Some Advice From Your Public Defender text Cute girl in Queens http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hnl/1140516580.html Me: woke up handcuffed in Queens after a three-day drunk of biblical proportions, mouth like sandpaper meets restaurant dumpster, teeth loose, cut over my eye, head pounding like taiko drummers on meth- none of which kept me from appreciating your unique natural beauty from my vantage point on the floor. You: walking circles around your cot, super cute despite the twitch and facial tick, even in hospital greens glamorously sporting an all time blue ribbon trophy rack. You refused to take your meds and they had to get help to hold you down- when you bit the orderly they had to sedate you. Tenacious- I dig that. On your way down you looked over at me and smiled, I threw up on the floor and laid in it. You looked concerned, I grinned and shrugged. You win some, you lose some. As they took you away on the stretcher I just laid there reeking of stale alcohol and cigarettes, wishing I'd gotten a chance to tell you my name. I was hoping I’d run into you at rehab but apparently you were the rare bird in Queens psyche ward for something other than substance abuse (serious- I’ve heard it happens once in a while.) Keep an eye out for me down in Chinatown. I’ll be the guy with the Mohawk in cut-off shorts and combat boots, getting kicked out of the shittiest bars and vomiting next to yuppies in expensive shoes waiting for their car to be valeted outside Indigos. Stay gold ponyboy. <ul> <li> Location: Queens psyche ward five weeks ago Thursday Morning 6 a.m. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-25T19:39:20-10:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hnl/1140516580.html Cute girl in Queens text How 2 Ikea trestles will fill your life with excitement http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1140298129.html Trestles: Boring wooden A-frame support structures, right? WRONG! More like support structures for exciting people!!! Most people think trestles are only good for a table or desk. Well guess what? MOST PEOPLE ARE WRONG!!! 1. Imagine Shawn Johnson's chagrin when you bring home gold at the 2012 Olympics - simply from practicing the parallel bars on two trestles!!! <img src="http://5hcqxw.blu.livefilestore.com/y1pVfcpnUb9blmyv4mePBmdz47jjw3l2oy8D3ddJXdkX02rMf7V8dDV6-xkST6UPhcOwdj33-k3S9db7UC_YQOUr1npi14NZNMV/gymnastics.jpg"> 2. Or think about the awesome forts you (or your kids) will make. Teatime with Big Bear and the gang will never be the same!!! <img src="http://5hcqxw.blu.livefilestore.com/y1p7JZT92vs5yzpUkrvIz8bM5KeNe4QY378NzFmLwpW2P5SZVbmCnkOMEnIzDd-cuzyl2bBn8ntgU4N3CDDAwuNqiGaZcRPL6Iv/fort.jpg"> 3. Did someone say strength training? Get rock solid abs in 30 days with the 2-trestle Xtreme Workout!!! <img src="http://5hcqxw.blu.livefilestore.com/y1pCG8vgdJXKpIMzb54jZfVh7DBAIc4E9qkWZpUY9ijOQH-Kgg34lSKaYXaNdGuHWajaXVH82h5gbwyvVeXF9RMMgZHitXd0doU/workout.jpg"> 4. Company coming over for the weekend? Give them a very uncomfortable and potentially dangerous sleeping arrangement: two trestles and a mattress!!! (I don't actually recommend doing this.) <img src="http://5hcqxw.blu.livefilestore.com/y1pCG8vgdJXKpIGef78e5bqnEdEozkXNZIXkb-v4d79Fcu5JtVi_1eFRACB8YYQaNdQf9AftjCG2ew85rO7jRkcXnxRFrsDLdb5/bed.jpg"> TRUE STORY: These trestles supported my desk when I went to school. I graduated with honours. Coincidence? I DON'T THINK SO!!! <img src="http://5hcqxw.blu.livefilestore.com/y1prXjOKCs6wal3optWkNYPW51uhPa4sziRpq5QTht0t7sux5ELgkm_baYjV0w-aTXQ-CsNEKGDzsBS6saA8ijV_gr76xGgx5vh/success.jpg"> Slap boredom in the face with a pair of trestles and make your life exciting!!! $50 for 2!!! YOU: "Wait a minute, doesn't Ikea sell them for $30 each? That would be $65.40 (tax incl.) for 2. That's not much of a deal." ME: "Sure, but now you don't have to go to Ikea!!! You can even take them home on the bus!!! And you just read a really entertaining advertisment!!! Or make me a better offer!!!" <ul> <li> Location: Capitol Hill <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-25T18:11:38-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1140298129.html How 2 Ikea trestles will fill your life with excitement text You Want the Table? You Can't Handle the Table! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1139643671.html It's big, heavy, and ugly. You can't kill it; you can't even frighten it. It's 6X3X3 feet tall, with two tiers and three drawers that work. It's sheet metal and angle iron, welded together with testosterone. Run a monster truck over it. Tape explosives to it. Launch it a quarter mile with a (big) trebuchet. Play the Anvil Chorus on it with sledgehammers for an hour. It will mock you. I'm a beaten man. Just get it out of my garage. Bring your friends <ul> <li> Location: Woodmont <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-25T10:02:24-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1139643671.html You Want the Table? You Can't Handle the Table! text Pregnant? - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1138433711.html I was standing in line to make my purchases when you tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to hand you a $1 pregnancy test (can you even trust those?!?) and then made small talk with me while you stood behind me in line. How'd it turn out? Single? <ul> <li> Location: Dollar Tree in SE <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-24T13:09:03-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1138433711.html Pregnant? - m4w text Full time office Girl and Spanking Star wanted http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orc/1137805724.html Future Spanking Star Wanted!!! Have you always wanted to be a Model and or Star in your own spanking site? This is your chance! We are looking for a "girl" between the ages of 20 and 40 to be the Star and Spokes Model for our New Spanking Site. This job is also for a FULL time "Girl Friday" to would out of our offices in Fullerton. You would be overseeing our Spanking Stuff site and doing customer service for that site along with general office work. We host over 20 spanking sites and have been in business over 10 years. This site will be all about spanking in the 1950's. Mostly Domestic Discipline but perhaps more. Both Husbands and Wife's, Boyfriends and Girlfriends and Sons and Daughters will be spanked, and soundly too. We will be shooting in 1950's set and in 1950's outfit. You should live in the LA area or be willing to relocate. We are looking for a full time Girl to work out of our offices in Fullerton, Orange County Calif. You would be overseeing our site www.spankingstuff.com as a part of your job. Some travel to shoots and to spanking parties might be required. You can see some of our sites at www.spankingdigest.com www.spankthatbrat.com www.tearsforaudrey.com www.missaudreyspanks.com You might be able to live in or live out. A collage student might be ok too. Non Sexual but a bare bottom spanking is required at times. Excellent money, lots of fun and a very red bottom goes along with the job. (you must be willing to spank and be spanked long and even perhaps hard for both jobs) Please write Sasha at oldfashionspanking@aol.com for more information. Please give us your "spanking" background and send us a number of photos along with a photo of your "assets". We feel you should be able to make from $40,000 to $50,000 the first year from both jobs. Office work and Modeling. Thanks for reading.. The E-Rabbit Team. Christopher Robin Sassy Jane (Sasha) Audrey Knight Abigail Whittaker <ul> <li> Location: fullerton <li> Compensation: $40,00 TO $50,000 to start <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-24T07:31:58-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orc/1137805724.html Full time office Girl and Spanking Star wanted text 1970's Avocado Green Toilet http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1137631656.html This 1970's beauty will take you back.....sit on it while leafing through a Reader's Digest, smoking a cigarette, watching Chico and the Man, and dropping the kids off at the pool~ you'll think you are in a time warp! It works fine other than the 119 gallons it uses to flush, and there are no stains or streaks. Come'n get it! <ul> <li> Location: Black Mountain <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-24T08:07:40-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1137631656.html 1970's Avocado Green Toilet text Diary of a UVM Student Protester http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1136233554.html 8:25 - Wake up after late night discussing the plight of the working class and how the University Administration is so bloated and overpaid. Text Dad on IPhone to ask when I can expect my monthly allowance. Dress in new jeans and cool gas station attendant shirt with "Hal" name patch on it. 9:40 - Go to breakfast and, in a sign of solidarity with those UVM employees being fired, only have two bowls of cereal so that I might feel the pain of starvation that those less fortunate feel. Fill backpack with fruit and check voicemail. No message from Dad. 10:05 - Call Housing Services and demand explanation about why dorms now only have basic cable. Surf web for Che Guevara poster for dorm room. Call Mom about allowance, no answer. 11:15 - Head downtown to kill some time before protest - classes are so bourgeois and a total waste of time. Text friends to plan next trip to Montreal. Call Mom again, but Dave, her new husband, answers. Ask about allowance, Dave says he'll call after he goes to gym. Find cool flip flops at Urban Outfitters. Check out Battery Street Jeans for something that says "I know the toil of manual labor and I feel your pain." 1:30 - Head back to Living and Learning to meet up with protest leaders. Talk about about what to do if "the Pigs" show up. Stop in bathroom to make sure I will look defiant and wise for cameras. Still no message from either Mom, Dad, or Dave. 3:00 - Go to President Vogel's Office for sit in. Disappointed I did not get to yell banalities into bullhorn, but did get choice spot near front entrance, sure to be on camera. Text friends to tell them to watch news for me. Start chants - found it hard to text and chant at same time. Swap dreadlocking tips with guy sitting next to me, as well as best place to get pedicure. 5:10 - Getting bored - no tear gas, no fiery speeches, nothing cool to tell friends about. Check voicemail and texts again - nothing from Dad, Mom, or Dave. 6:18 - Still bored - some members of the Administration asked me to move so they could get out of the office. They were not intimidated by wrathful glare. Need to use bathroom. 8:37 - Still bored. Ate some Leonardo' sWhite Pie with Whole Wheat Crust. Still no message from Mom, Dad, or Dave. 9:50 - Cops show up, order us to disperse. We yell, chant, and show our strength and commitment to the struggle. Wonder if there is still time to hit Smuggs for some late season skiiing. Cops shrug and place us under arrest. 10:14 - Being led out to van by cop. Hands me a citation to appear for trespass. Wonder if I can use my Amex to pay fine. 10:35 - Head out with friends to the Three Needs and talk about how alternative and rebellious we are, and how far we have come from Teaneck, Bernardsville, Bala Cynwyd, and Long Island. Plan protest for next day to call for lower tuition and divestment from companies we don't like. 12:45 - Stumble back to dorm, confident that my efforts today mae a huge difference in the world. Wonder if next seven years of college will all be as inspiring as this. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-23T11:16:40-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1136233554.html Diary of a UVM Student Protester text MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1135908862.html ok. so i don't know really how to go about this. basically, i was your one night stand last night and need my most important idem of clothing back--> my bra. so yes, i was totally fine with the fact that when i left this morning we didn't exchange phone numbers (or names...); no big deal. but once i got home and sobered up, i realized, that we maybe should have because i left my bra at your house. first off, i want to get something clear. this is no victoria secret-esq type bra. this is an imported good were talking about. princess tam tam-french lingerie. ok. specifics about you. (what i remember.) they are not going to be too specific because my friends are on this all the time and think i took a cab home last night. you are: 1) outrageously tall and good looking. 2) a commercial real estate broker in the downtown area, but lives in coronado with an asian friend whom i believe, was celebrating his birthday. 3) going to gaslamp saturday night. 4) really into golf, in fact went friday. 5) a fan of red gummy bears. i am: 1) someone who obviously loves her underwear. 2) obsessed with french everything. 3) not really into children. something we have in common. 4) occasionally from time to time caught wearing my clothes inside out. 5) "anna"- (my name.) so, where to go from here. basically, i'm willing to do whatever it takes. i can come pick it up, you can mail it to me, i can just have you leave it outside your building at a certain agreed upon time. what ever. i hope to god you don't feel weird about this, because i don't. i obviously didn't leave it there on purpose. like i said, i'm not looking for you to take me out or call me. for god's sake, i'm resorting to craigslist for a grey bra. it's just a super cute one and i want it back. plus, it doesn't seem like you'll use it. you just didn't come off as that type. please people. if this is you, or sounds like someone you know who fits this "john doe" profile, please contact me. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-23T01:01:33-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1135908862.html MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. text NEED TO GET RID OF MY CASH http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1135848167.html I just moved and sold a whole bunch of stuff, which has been very satisfying, except that now I've got all this cash. Mostly twenties, except for a few fives and a couple ones. I assume the money originated in ATM machines, just because of the preponderance of twenties which I've received in bulk (in envelopes mostly, though one stack in exchange for my washer/dryer was paper clipped) though I couldn't tell you which ones came together anymore. There is one "classic" twenty dating from 1993, softly worn over Jackson's face, creating a boyish, worried look as though someone told him he was no longer going to be printed on the bill because he had done something wrong (as an April Fools). There are 7 "white" twenties (still equivalent to $20): 3 from 1996, 2 from 1999, and 2 from 2001. There are 47 contemporary twenties, which is over $900. The fives and ones are unexceptional, except that they are worth money. The items can be used for all sorts of things: buying food or clothing in stores, snorting cocaine, acquiring cocaine, stretching leather, exercising willpower, bribing, hushing, during sex or for sex (I have not done this though I don't know what the buyers of my belongings did, I didn't ask, though they seemed like normal type people, but who knows...), tipping and/or looking rich, and more! I am willing to separate the bills. If you're looking for a little bit more, I could potentially get some, though I am running low on things I'm willing to sell. The cash is AS IS; I assume it's authentic because I already took it from someone else, but I haven't taken it to a bank. Some bills are worn more than others, most are in good shape. They smell ok and appear clean. I'm not a money collector (obviously) so there may be some finds! What I am looking for: a used dish rack (I don't want a new one because I know someone else must be getting rid of one that's still perfectly good), preferably white, with a matching mat a used drawer organizer for silverware (ditto), not plastic, no color preference an old telephone, I'm picturing 70's-80's era, red mismatched country-style kitchen chairs a wooden desk, preferably the color of the table that the cash is on (see pics) good music (vinyl or CDs), especially Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream or Camera Obscura's My Maudlin Career a wooden rocking chair, not too wide in the seat house plants, bigger a really cool beaded curtain, preferably wood something that I don't know that I want I don't do drugs, sorry, but thanks for thinking of me <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-22T22:34:25-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1135848167.html NEED TO GET RID OF MY CASH text Great News for Pet Owners in West Michigan! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1134915284.html After an exhaustive effort, I now have research to prove that you can take pets with you when moving! Yes, it's true, and has been verified by many outside sources in the know. This includes: *Moves to neighboring states *Moves across country *Moves within Michigan *Moves within the city that you currently reside. It turns out that in every city they having housing that allows pets. So, the best course of action would be if you(the pet owner) sought out one of these housing options(that allow pets) instead of inquiring on housing that does not allow pets(since you have a pet). I know, it seems complicated so let me use an analogy. Example: If you are a smoker and want to rent a hotel room, you will want to book a "SMOKING ROOM" Now, if you call about a "NON SMOKING" room, you will not be able to smoke in said room. Which is bad, as you are a smoker ,and enjoy smoking. See how that works! Simple! Also, while my research is not entirely complete, there is strong evidence that suggests you do NOT need to give up pets either prior to or proceeding the birth of any of your children. You can have pets and kids. Seriously, it's true...look it up. They(your children) might even learn some traits such as compassion, responsibilty, and accountablitity(I know big words, look them up) if they(your children) are raised in a house with pets(the ones you committed to prior to the children)! I thought my findings were just too good to keep to myself. So, pass them on to any pet owners you know! <ul> <li> Location: West Michigan <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-22T14:24:49-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1134915284.html Great News for Pet Owners in West Michigan! text Rustic 1 Bedroom http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1131605635.html As summer is approaching that means the weather outside is getting nicer, which means I have an extra room for rent. Do you like the outdoors, wood paneling, porta-poties? Then I have the perfect room for you. I just cleaned and swept out the tree house in my backyard. It is level to the second story of my house on a very sturdy tree. It has a plastic door, solid roof, and a durable rope ladder. It also has a pully system so you can pull up items that you don't feel comfortable carrying on the rope ladder. The tree house has a bedroom (comes furnished with a mattress) which is separate from the common area (comes furnished with a beanbag). As for the kitchen, you may want to eat out. You can use the separate entrance to my backyard where it is located. This DOES NOT mean you have free access to my backyard though. What you are renting is the room at this is it. It is okay to use the backyard but keep it mind that first and foremost, it is mine. Please, applicants under 160lbs only please. It is a sturdy building but lets not take any chances. <ul> <li>cats are OK - purrr <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li> Location: Parkdale <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-20T15:18:11-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1131605635.html Rustic 1 Bedroom text Woman in Eau Claire - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eau/1129511403.html You were riding in a car in Eau Claire yesterday and you were beautiful. The car had 4 wheels and was either a primary color or a shade somewhere inbetween. You were headed through town and turned by that house and then kept going and pulled into that business. You were between 4 feet and 7 feet tall. You had hair, eyes and teeth. I was that guy driving in a car behind you. If you remember seeing a guy yesterday that you were really attracted to, it was me! Email back if this sounds like you. <ul> <li> Location: Eau Claire <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-19T08:52:59-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eau/1129511403.html Woman in Eau Claire - m4w text Nothing Happens In A Vacuum http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1129414174.html At least in this one. Hoover TurboPOWER 1700. Needs a belt (few dollars) and fan blade should be replaced (about $20). If you're a perfectionist (not likely if you're reading this) or you prefer to vacuum at night with the lights off (whatever?) then the missing light bulb may be significant to you - easily acquired at any vacuum store. Repair it or use it for parts to fix another 1700 or 2000. Ladies, this would make a great birthday/father's day gift for your hubby. With no lid or bag it transforms into a leaf mulching blower (in theory). He might even try it as a snowblower next winter. Your driveway could be the envy of the neighbourhood all year round. Guys, with a little modification this could be turned into an automatic pitcher for your little league team practices, or use it to work on your tennis returns, or how about high speed golf ball retrieval while practicing your putt at the office (watch out!). You handyman types may just want the motor. Crank the Model T with it. Build a massive rotisserie over a fire pit - just in time for hunting season. Add a chuck and Dremel anything! Turbo charge the washer/dryer/dishwasher for the Misses. (You could use a hidden camera to capture her reaction, but I recommend informing her before first use.) Got one of those clotheslines on rollers? You know what to do. Besides being great for reeling in the clothes, now you can clip Rex to the line for automatic walkies. Does your backyard slope? Bonus! Use it for a ski lift in the winter. From craigslist homepage, search for v3r7a8 to see all my posted stuff. <ul> <li> Location: North Surrey <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-19T04:04:11-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1129414174.html Nothing Happens In A Vacuum text help capture rogue http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1128520475.html hello this is hamdy bey. i have gone to coney island to dispose of ashes of dead old wizard but when i returned home his robe was again filled with a different laughing wizard. new wizard does several things. 1) unplugs cell phone during charge and runs video recorder feature idly for hours 2) places my house keys under a pile of conedison bills 3) shouts at mailman 4) stacks cats 5) obscures my shadow with giant novelty lollipop when i emerge to greet my brothers 6) replaced all scrabble letters with F 7) tenses my sensibilities during islam forum 8) writes untoward letters to president of turkish republic of northern cyprus in my name 9) deposits juice box wrappers on my hall so the rustling angers cats and their stack topples 10) howls at moon when it is not in the fullest of states i would much rather have previous wizard return !!! please help either to capture current wizard or ressurect former. current wizard is subletting disgusting basement apartment. ALL OF ABOVE NOTES SPECIFICALLY FORBIDDEN BY LEASE AGREEMENT. <ul> <li> Location: RIDGE WOOD <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: cat stack </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-18T13:43:35-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1128520475.html help capture rogue text Happy Birthday to me. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/knx/1127826109.html When I look back at where I was a year ago I see myself with good friends, loving family, and a awesome job... Now this year im working at a 7.00 an hour job, im broke, living with my sister, I dont know where my real friends are or if I have any... I had to work all day on my birthday, really rude people and the only thing I had to look foward to was eating a 1.89 frozen pizza for lunch. If this was any other day I would of been ok with it but it had to be my birthday... I should just ignore them from now on <ul> <li> Location: Knoxville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-17T23:35:25-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/knx/1127826109.html Happy Birthday to me. text To All the Women Obsessed with Me - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1127251185.html Look, I'm a good looking guy, that's fine. But why not just ask me out instead of playing all these silly games? All day long, I'm running into women of all sorts who just STARE at me shamelessly, through their EPV (extreme peripheral vision). You think I don't notice, but trust me, it's obvious. The young waitress at Chili's?? Smiling at me, touching my shoulder and tossing her hair seductively with every refill of my diet coke?? FRIKKIN ALL OVER ME!! Then I leave my customary 5% tip, and next time I come in she's even more obsessive, trying to play "hard to get" by avoiding my section completely. The older lady who approached me at Barnes and Noble, who has her own business and is looking for people just like me to help her expand in the area???!?? Like I don't know what THAT'S all about!! I bet there's nothing she'd like more than for me to expand in her "area"!! The well-endowed blonde bartender with the wedding ring.. who calls me "Hun" every time I order another gin&tonic... YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU FILTHY NASTY FUCKING WHORE!! Well, I've resorted to posting on craigslist, so I can use the anonymity to help mask my amazing looks and irresistible charm. But no doubt some of my internet stalkers will find me anyways, offering to let me see them "live 24/7" showering with their sorority sisters. If you can approach me with confidence so we don't have to play these silly games, I'd love to hear from you. p.s. - I'm not attracted to Nigerian women, no matter how much money they are willing to put in my bank account. Nothing personal <ul> <li> Location: DC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-17T16:15:23-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1127251185.html To All the Women Obsessed with Me - m4w text Taxidermied hamsters for sale http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rcs/1127138244.html I have a family of taxidemied hamsters for sale. They are perfect for the kid who wants a hamster but you know damn well won't take care of them. Just buy a cage, pose them in it and tell the kids to enjoy. If the kids ask why they aren't moving just explain to them that happy hamsters keep still. These hamsters were originally bought with love and taken care of very well. Then, as is usually the case with my little ba**** kid, he lost interest and kept forgetting to feed them. One by one they dropped off. I couldn't bear to flush these cute things down the toilet so I bought a taxidermy kit and stuffed them. The best part about these guys is that they won't soil the cage or cost anything in food! They'll just give hours of pleasure like live hamsters. Call or e-mail me with an offer so that you can begin your new life as a hamster owner! [number deleted] Thanks, Joe "Buzzy" <ul> <li> Location: Webster,NY <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-17T15:10:55-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/rcs/1127138244.html Taxidermied hamsters for sale text Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1126876415.html My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain. Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls. Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best. This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation. <ul> <li> Location: DC, MD, VA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-17T12:52:30-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1126876415.html Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay text Dear aquarium sellers... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1124381572.html Contrary to popular belief there is no shortage of 55 gallon freshwater tanks. In fact, at Walmart you can buy a complete 55 gallon setup minus fish and gravel (and a few decorations) for around 90.00, add some fish and gravel a few decorations, and you pay around 130.00. For a BRAND NEW tank. At Petco, or Petsmart the same tank is around 150.00, so with fish and gravel 180.00. So explain how your used tank, with the same items, is worth 350.00? 500.00? Are you on crack? No one cares what you paid for it, I paid 42k for my pickup 5 years ago, you think I am getting 42k for it back? You think anyone goes out, buys something, uses it for a few years, then can sell it for what they paid for it new? Are you smoking something? <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-15T19:28:58-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1124381572.html Dear aquarium sellers... text Re: Time machine http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1124141068.html It would be very difficult, but here is a diagram to get you started. <img src="http://www.hdrenterprises.net/img/c.Diagram%20(Page%202).gif"> <ul> <li> Location: Boston <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-15T17:41:01-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/1124141068.html Re: Time machine text To the guy who checked out all the books I need for my final papers - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/1123102588.html I hauled my 50+ lbs backpack into the Marriot lib last week, with a list of call numbers in my hand, intent on finding relevant and tangible information regading my subject of study: the archaeology of brothels in the ancient world. I know, what's a good girl like me, doing researching such an illicit and improper subject? I bet you thought you were the only one at the University studying ancient sexuality within certain societies. I know I was. Turns out I was completely wrong: every book the Marriot had to offer about ancient brothels (The economy of prostitution in the Roman world : a study of social history & the brothel, for example) has been checked out by you. It's due back at the library June 2nd. This presents me with a few problems: 1. My papers are due long before June 2nd. Do you really need them that long? Can't we share? 2. You must be, based on your area of research, handsome, interesting, and capable of following archaeological theories. 3. If 2 is true, you must be looking for like-minded individuals to bounce ideas off of. 4. If 3 is true, maybe you can bounce them off of me. I'm built like a bouncy castle anyways. 5. I was discussing my topic with a classmate. Perhaps you ninja'ed my topic and got to the library before I was able to. In that case, well played, you giant sob. 6. If you ARE in my class, and we're reporting on the exact same topic with the exact same resources, maybe we can team up and really throw down into our final papers. I can always interlibrary loan these resources, but that takes time. Obviously you've been at the library recently, and must go there more often than me if you got to the books first. This is just cutting out the middleman, really. I realize you've probably got your nose stuck in the books I want to read, but if by chance you see this ad, you should send me an email. Let me know the authors you're looking at, and what sites you're investigating, so I know you're not wasting my time on unacademic endeavors. I'll respond with more alacrity if your subject line contains latin. Looking forward to discussing obscene frescos with you, O. vid. <ul> <li> Location: Marriot Library <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-15T00:30:36-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/1123102588.html To the guy who checked out all the books I need for my final papers - w4m text 16th Mission Bart Crackhead w/ Forehead Tattoo - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1122575774.html It was a Friday, April 3rd to be exact. I was celebrating my 21st birthday with a female whom I had spent the entire day with. We had just seen a film about a German immigrant who used play writing as a form of dissent during the red scare. After viewing, we made our way to 16th mission bart station to determine our plans from there. This is when you came into my life good sir. You approached me from across the street, ignoring on coming traffic, and made a very bold statement to my lady friend. I think it went something like, "You should fuck him all night long." After making this statement, you continued walking on to where ever your original destination might have been. Aside from the verbal assault you launched, I feel like we had a real connection. I don't know if you have computer access, or if you have ever used one. Maybe you'll find your way into a mac store and use one of their computers. We should meet up and not bathe or something. I might even consider getting a tattoo in a ridiculous place to match yours. The point is, I would really like to get to know you man. Hit me up. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-14T15:34:22-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1122575774.html 16th Mission Bart Crackhead w/ Forehead Tattoo - m4m text Living In Sin Sale http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stl/1122338452.html Mom, deal with it. We moved in together, and we're happy. So is the baby on the way. Kidding. I'm kidding. No babies. But we do have lots of stuff to sell. For starters, I was never using one ironing board, and now we have two. And we also both owned Borat and Wedding Crashers. I know, right? We were destined for each other. So, stop by Saturday, April 18th between 8am and noon. Pass judgment on our living arrangement. Then, bring a piece of it home with you. It's like she says, why buy the cow when you can sell a toaster? <ul> <li> Location: 4366 Holly Hills <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-14T15:12:19-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stl/1122338452.html Living In Sin Sale text I woke up to shit-vomit http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1121771299.html I woke up this morning with my nose hairs curled and my eyes burning. My fucking dog took a shit in the early hours of the morning and then decided to eat it to hide the evidence. The problem is that it makes him sick and then he throws it up. I woke up at 5:45 am to the strong smell of shit-vomit on the carpet. Oh, and he walks around the fucking house burping it up too. So basically he shit-vomit-farts out of his mouth. You fucking dumb dog. You are 3 years old and house broken. Why would you do that? If you take a shit on the carpet just leave it there. It is so much easier to clean up that way. I'm not going to let you in the house today because even if you stop barfing up shit-vomit you still burp it up which makes the house smell like SHIT-VOMIT! Fuck you and then next time another dog is butt-fucking you at the dog park I'm not coming to your rescue. <ul> <li> Location: Austin <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-14T10:14:46-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1121771299.html I woke up to shit-vomit text We Met at last Nights Orgy But did Not Get your Name - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1120382823.html I wanted to talk to you, but you are so much more attractive than most of the middle-aged has-beens in last night's pile that I couldn't get a moment alone, or even as part of a threesome or foursome with you. There was a brief moment, while you were reverse cowgirling that old guy and jerking off two midgets while orally satisfying the butch chick in the leather chaps, when our eyes met, and it was magic. First, I want to be clear that I wasn't calling you a filthy whore, it was the woman I was doggy-styling, and that was only after her repeated insistence that I talk dirty to her. I promise I would treat you more respectfully than that. I also want to make clear that I don't normally go down on other guys, but since you were taken and she was the only other attractive woman there, and part of the package was that her husband had to get in on the action, well, desperate times call for desperate acts... Anyway, the point is, I think I love you. I know, we've not met, and I don't think any of my semen actually ended up in you, though we can't be sure of that, now can we, but probably not, so that makes us complete strangers. But there was that moment, that electric moment, before you started to gyrate wildly and cry out in some foreign language (was that French? I love French), and before I had to take on that unsavory but necessary oral task that I'd just as soon forget, except for this persistent heartburn I've got today, when we connected, and it was as if I could see into your soul, and you into mine. So can't we give it a try? All I'm asking for is a cup of coffee. And perhaps a threesome, if your roommate is hot, or if we meet a sexy stranger on the street. But let's just start by getting to know each other, okay? <ul> <li> Location: DC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-13T14:14:28-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1120382823.html We Met at last Nights Orgy But did Not Get your Name - m4w text wanting a lactating specialist. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1119633683.html I would like to begin producing milk again. I understand what is involved and need the help of someone that can commit to 4 days a week, one hour a day,,, 6:00am to 7:00am, monday through thursday. I need someone that can suckle 15 minutes on each side. I am not seeking a sex partner.. I don;t want to give it out or get it.. got it.. just someone that is willing to suck on my breasts for about a half an hour every morning. I need at least a one week commitment and am looking for more than one person as i understand this is actually more work than it seems. I am presently pumping a few times a day and manualy manipulating my nipples when I can't pump. I am not lactating presently so please, if you are expecting to drink, its not happening yet. Please only serious apply... and please be in your 40's.. I am uncomfortable with people that aren't my age. <ul> <li> Location: pierce county <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-12T23:15:53-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1119633683.html wanting a lactating specialist. text Ass for Cash http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1119571563.html Can't afford to take care of Donkey anymore. He's in good health, very friendly and only mildly stinky. It is expensive to care for him though. I am selling him for 500 bucks (Got him for 2,000). Totally worth it. You pick him up. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-12T21:28:11-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1119571563.html Ass for Cash text Free Concert at Guitar Center http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bhm/1119217946.html This is a special thanks to all of the guys that put on a free concert at guitar center everyday, we appreciate everything you do for our community. Like when I go in to actually purchase something, you come sit right next to me and play your "top shelf" ibanez through any solid state monster in the store, and show me how fast you can tap. Or like when I am asking someone a question and you stepped up to the plate and instead tell us all how incredible your band is. Another reason I am so impressed by you guys, is how you find time to come to guitar center every day when you're always out on the road touring. It's already pretty hard to sift through the wealth of knowledge available behind the counter, but when you add your countless years of experience in to the equation, there is no end. Another way that you guys have changed my life is through my use of equipment. Over the years I've always thought that boutique pedals and custom tube configurations really contributed to my overall tone, yet you proved me wrong. Just from watching you play both measures you know from Free Bird, I learned that all I really need is a digitech floor board or a line 6 product to get the job done. Just hearing you guys really shred on your speed metal makes me wonder why people still listen to bands like The Beatles, Coldplay or U2. Thanks again for all you've done for me personally, you've really taught me that everything I thought I knew must be wrong, I am forever in debt to you. Because of this, I am now looking for a new drummer. Currently my drummer plays with a metronome and is way to solid and tasteful, consider him gone! If you are one of those guys in the drum dept. that knows that fast double bass is so much more important than keeping time, you're the one for me. So what if you don't own a drum set and therefore never practice, who needs practice when you're a prodigy? Who care's if you came in 7th place at last years drum off, the judges were conspiring against you. Last but not least, I am also holding auditions for a bass player. Currently my bass player plays through this stupid little ampeg 8x10 cab & head with a few vintage fender basses, and all he knows how to do is stay with the kick drum. Who cares that he's never made a mistake, or that he could write a book on music theory, what matters is that he can't slap. If there's one thing that can make any passionately slow song sound even better, that would be slap bass. So what if these pocket bass players like Adam Clayton are living in mansions and you're working at the mall, you know that slap bass is what's gonna bring in the big bucks. don't worry, you'll get your chance, the world won't know what hit'em. thanks again! <ul> <li> Location: Hoover <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-12T18:46:44-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bhm/1119217946.html Free Concert at Guitar Center text Rare vintage pimp cup. This thing is amazing. Holy crap. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1118182324.html Will change your life. Has been passed down from pimp to pimp for generations. Currently being used as a ash tray and/or extremely inaccurate rain gauge. Slight damage from general day-to-day pimping. <img src="1118182324.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Seattle, Queen Anne <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-11T16:37:59-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1118182324.html Rare vintage pimp cup. This thing is amazing. Holy crap. text Calling all desperate, loser schlubs http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1117111472.html Are you a loser, aged 37-50? Are you a lonely, pathetic schlub who can't get any closer to a woman than a 900 number? Do you despair of having a woman speak to you respectfully, let alone date you or touch you? Well, sugar, it's your lucky night. Because a respectable, clean, intelligent, independent, witty, financially secure woman who is fed up with trying to get the attention of respectable, clean, intelligent, independent, witty, financially secure men will seriously consider your offer. Pretty boys, frat brats, software millionaires, endlessly self-promoting Micronerds, salsa-dancing midlife-crisis-clinic navel-gazers, self-obsessed Mountaineers, Dockers-clad Boeing bores, aging hipsters who masturbate to their own blogs...step off, back of the yellow line! Make way for the humble, the beer-gutted, the morbidly obese, the mulleted, the untouchable, the harijans, the rejected! You are my kind of men; you, the repulsive, the socially retarded, are my brothers from another mother. Don't tell Suze Orman, but this 38-year-old fat chick is putting herself on sale. That's right! In this special offer, I'm lowering my standards to the floor. Apparently, because I'm fat (see picture below), I'm not worth even a polite response from men, let alone a date. I've tried and TRIED to get the attention of men who are my social peers, men I know from work, men I see at church, men with whom I attended school. No dice! Silly moi, thinking I'm good enough for the men I'm surrounded by every day -- when in fact, they deserve lingerie models or mail-order brides who are half their ages. Hey, I just got rejected (by non-response followed by avoidance, no less) by a fat, clumsy slob who comes to work looking like he sleeps in his clothes...but I guess because he's got a job, he's out of my league, and deserves his very own Victoria's Secret catalog model. Oh, the poor thing, having the office fat chick e-mail him! How perfectly dreadful! He must have been so embarrassed. So I'm moving on...down. Bitter, party of one, your table is SERIOUSLY ready. Nice guys, guys without criminal records, guys without drug habits, guys who read, guys who don't live with their mothers -- yes, all TOO GOOD for me! Come and get it, all ye desperate and lonely, ye self-destructive and miserable, ye of rock-bottom self-esteem. My only criteria: <ul><li>You bathe</li> <li>You express yourself well, in English.</li> <li>You don't have kids</li> <li>You're aged 37-50</li> <li>You live in Washington State</li></ul> That's it! Come to mama, all ye who can't get a date, all ye who would settle for a relationship with any woman who isn't incarcerated, all ye who would be so grateful for some female companionship that you're willing to overlook the fact that your partner weighs 190 lbs. Tell me why women won't even treat you like a human being with feelings. Really, I want to read this. Because I know what it's like. I know what it's like to be a vibrant, vivid, engaging, intelligent person who gets treated like a f*cking piece of vermin-infested furniture because she's overweight. <ul> <li> Location: AlongtheCedarRiver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-10T22:43:52-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1117111472.html Calling all desperate, loser schlubs text you wiped your butt with a dollar bill and I picked it up - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1115585344.html Dear Sir, Tonight I was walking down Hill St when I saw a dollar bill on the ground, covered with what looked like a muddy footprint. This was in front of a frat, I do not know the name of it. I picked it up, because, hey, a dollar, and only part of it was covered in the "mud." I thought, maybe this is poop, but I don't think so. I held it by the "clean" end and carried it all the way home. Upon third party inspection, it has been confirmed unanimously that it is indeed poop. My gut instinct was that it was human poop, but who wants to think they touched that? Be true to yourself, guys, and you will not touch poop, I assure you. So: Why did you wipe your butt with a dollar bill? I get that it is a phrase, like "I'll wipe my ass with this [document that I do not value]", but why a dollar bill? Did you deliberately aim for George Washington's face (you should be ashamed)? Why after pooping? you could just do it without any kind of digestive matter and still make the same point. How did it end up on the corner (approx.) of Hill and South U.? I just need to know. I mean, you owe me an explanation for how I came into contact with your poo. I await your response. Additionally, if you were a witness to the creation of this poo-bill I would welcome your account as well. Whatever anal[ha]ysis you would like to provide would be equally helpful. <ul> <li> Location: Hill St. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-10T02:30:56-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1115585344.html you wiped your butt with a dollar bill and I picked it up - w4m text Please help - Man Cave Items Wanted http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dsm/1114846962.html WANTED: FREE/CHEAP MAN-CAVE ITEMS Three married (not to eachother) manly men in their 30's desire free or cheap masculine items to furnish the perfect man-cave. To put it simply, we just periodically need to escape with other manly men to foster, develop and possibly debate our individual manliness, drink beer and discuss manly things...maybe cook some chicken. We have the space, but not the stuff and our wives simply will not allow us to spend "our" hard earned money on such an "undeniably misogynistic thing". We aren't picky, (because we are men after all) but desparately need free stuff to fill our man-cave. We don't care about feng-shui or chi or crap like that, but all items must portray an appropriate level of masculinity; for example teal and pink flowered couches simply won't do unless I can spray paint it in camo. Please see the list below for things we need. We can come pick them up from you in the Des Moines area, because, of course, all manly men have access to a truck and trailer. - Beer fridge. Nothing fancy. - Dead animals for wall display: the bigger the better. Moose or Bear preferred. Badgers, wombats or other mean looking animals would be cool too. - Any items beer-related: signs, banners, coasters, junk with beer labels on it, etc. - Couches- preferably would not smell like butt or other body parts. Leather would score major manly points. - Large Rug- no flower patterns. Wolf or animal theme would be awesome. Bearskin rug with head attached=ultimate man-cave item. - Recliners- ('nuff said) - A bar... its got to fit thorugh a 36" door and/or be less than 400 lbs. since we would get "absolutely zero sympathy [at home] for hurting your @!*% back[s] moving things for your stupid boy room". - TV: Anything that has a picture and sound pretty much. We are "techie" and can make it work. - Poker table... you never know, maybe someone is CRAZY enough to give away something as cool or manly as a poker table. So send me an email with what you have on our list for free or little charge, and help out a few pudgy, slightly pale, suburban fathers find a way to escape... even for just a few hours every once in a while. Other donations of manly things appreciated; if you have something else I must have for the ultimate man cave, drop me an email. Thanks. <ul> <li> Location: Des Moines <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-09T14:44:42-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dsm/1114846962.html Please help - Man Cave Items Wanted text Republican governor for sale http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cha/1114593524.html Here in South Carolina we have a governor who wants to turn down the stimulus funds for education. We are not happy about this, but, heck, apparently there are people out there who admire this guy. So, if you and your state want this guy, you give us your stimulus money and we'll give you Mark Sanford. This deal is contingent on the following: - A majority of the voters in South Carolina must agree that they'd rather have stimulus funds than Mark Sanford (and that's practically a given); and - A majority of the voters in your state must agree that they would rather have Mark Sanford than their stimulus funds. (That one's up to you.) Please let us know when you have held a referendum on this matter. The Governor will go to the bidding state with the most stimulus money offered. <img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/9a/GovernorSanford-_OfficialPortrait.jpg/225px-GovernorSanford-_OfficialPortrait.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: South Carolina <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-09T13:19:37-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cha/1114593524.html Republican governor for sale text Singing Jewish Kosher Tequila Girls for Media http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1114236562.html New Kosher Tequila wants Attractive Singing Jewish Shot Girls for Cinco DeMayo event. Knows Yiddish and Jewish Songs Media will be attending event good dancing and outgoing personality send photo phone number and bio, info to Mr. Schwartz <ul> <li> Compensation: 50 per hr <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-09T09:42:37-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1114236562.html Singing Jewish Kosher Tequila Girls for Media text Winter, let's move on - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1112611885.html Winter, I know we started things in earnest a few months back, and honestly things were going really well. When you first arrived I was so taken with your beauty, I really couldn't control my emotions. And, then of course, the holidays came, and I think we both got swept away in youthful lust. But, as always happens, the newness wore off and we became complacent. I accepted your blanket of affection, but in time I also grew to resent it. And you became so cold, dare I say, bitter. You continued to try throwing yourself at me. I'm sorry, but you and I both saw this coming, we even had a nice discussion, agreed to be friends and accept the good times we had. But, here you are trying to win me back. You think I don't know who keeps sending me the snow and the cold? Well, I do. I understand your feelings, but that doesn't change mine, I've moved on and so should you. In fact, I'm with your friend Spring now and we have been really happy together so far. Please just grab your things and leave. I need you out of my life right now. <ul> <li> Location: Spring <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-08T09:19:57-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1112611885.html Winter, let's move on - m4w text Crazy lady at safeway checkstand yelling about candied yams - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1112390633.html I was in line at Safeway today and you were a few checkstands over screaming for someone to help you find candied yams. I don't even know what the hell they are, but I was definitely turned on. You: 50's, or 60's, crazy as shit and apparently really likes yams. You settled on fresh ones when you realized the store didn't carry them. I wanted to go pretend to look at onions and stare at you while you picked out a choice yam, but I was too busy. Maybe we can get together some time and candify them, I'll bring the sugar. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-07T21:53:56-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1112390633.html Crazy lady at safeway checkstand yelling about candied yams - m4w text need someone to hide easter eggs in my apt when im not home ! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1112090632.html i need someone to hide easter eggs in my apt when i am not there ! they are small and filled with candy ! i would like to find them myself on sunday ! i am willing to pay ! serious inquiries only ! jason+ <ul> <li> Location: franklin tn <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-07T19:25:11-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1112090632.html need someone to hide easter eggs in my apt when im not home ! text Sit in a hot tub full of marinara sauce with me - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1111954942.html I have a huge hot tub, i'm going to fill it with homemade marinara sauce. Let's get naked and sit in it. I'll be wearing a Rolex and Ray-Bans. I'll put some Barbara Streisand or some Wu-Tang Clan on the stereo. Nothing too sexual, just nudity and marinara sauce. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-07T18:49:39-04:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1111954942.html Sit in a hot tub full of marinara sauce with me - m4w text