Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-08-31T19:22:53-05:00 2 daily Wanted: Non-exclusive long distance relationship http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1352367890.html Me: Charming, articulate and intelligent. You: A good baker, likes to take care of her man with frequent care packages. I am the only guy on craigslist who is not looking for sex or female companionship. Those I can get. There is however one thing missing in my life of late. Ever since breaking up with my long distance girlfriend, the amount of unsolicited baked goods arriving in my mailbox has dropped precipitously. Given my relative lack of baking skills and my propensity to avoid paying for food, I figured the most rational solution was to find another long distance girlfriend who enjoys surprising her man with frequent care packages (chocolate chip cookies and rice krispies treats are by far the best). The exchange is simple. You provide regular care package service and in return I provide emotional support, validation and the occasional, "You're right! They *are* just jealous!" I'll be the boyfriend that Disney's soulless corporate machine has convinced you you want. Your parents will be happy you finally found someone, your friends and coworkers will be jealous that you have a guy who doesn't routinely try to slip it in the "oops hole," and your stalkers (should you have any) will shake their fists in impotent rage. As long as you're not hung up on tangibility, it's a relationship with everything you could want or need. Fatties, uggos and the horribly disfigured are encouraged to apply! I don't care what you look like because I'll never see what you look like. Tell me you're the most beautiful woman in the world if it makes you feel better, just don't send pictures. Exclusivity is not part of the deal. I intend to date other women during our association and it would be hypocritical of me to deny you the same freedom. Go out clubbing every Saturday night and sleep with a different guy each time if you like, just remember to get the cookies in the mail by 5:00 because the post office isn't open on Sundays. I have no allergies, so feel free to extend your experimentation to recipes and ingredients as well. I live in Los Angeles but am posting this in Dallas because it's close enough to keep shipping charges down but far enough away that you'll never be tempted to track me down in real life. Also, going by the maxim "everything is bigger in Texas" I'm hoping there will be enough baked goods to share with friends. Good luck and I hope to hear from you lovely ladies soon! <ul> <li> Location: Los Angeles <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-31T19:22:53-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1352367890.html Wanted: Non-exclusive long distance relationship text Open letter to people selling old TVs http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1222769221.html Hey you, yeah you, the guy selling his old tube or projection TV. Can we chat? I want to introduce you to a couple of my friends. First meet my friend Chuck Obsolescence. He's the guy who tells me that your stuff is out of date and not worth even 10% of what you paid for it 5 years ago. You probably don't even have HDMI. Next, you should get to know one of the best guys, he goes by the nickname "The Economy is in the toilet, so people are selling stuff cheap to just get cash." He brings a spirit of truth to the party and makes people fell impulsive. Just a quick phone call away is my pal Johnny Walmart. I called him up and he's selling a brand new 50" PLAMSA TV for $898, and 40" LCDs for $475. That makes me wonder who's smoking crack when they're trying to sell a 10 year old 32" Sony WEGA TUBE TV for $500 or a massive upright-piano-sized rear-projection set for $600. Those bulbs only last so long, it might not even make the trip home without breaking. Please note that old TVs should be kept in the $50 to $100 range. If they're not working, NO ONE will pay $200 and then another $400 to try to fix it, I'll come haul it away for $200 if you want though. The cost of brand-new TVs gets lower and lower everyday, eventually a good 40" LCD will be like $350 new and a used one will be like $125. Thanks, I'm glad we had this chat. <ul> <li> Location: Dallas <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-06-15T13:17:51-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1222769221.html Open letter to people selling old TVs text Dear aquarium sellers... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1124381572.html Contrary to popular belief there is no shortage of 55 gallon freshwater tanks. In fact, at Walmart you can buy a complete 55 gallon setup minus fish and gravel (and a few decorations) for around 90.00, add some fish and gravel a few decorations, and you pay around 130.00. For a BRAND NEW tank. At Petco, or Petsmart the same tank is around 150.00, so with fish and gravel 180.00. So explain how your used tank, with the same items, is worth 350.00? 500.00? Are you on crack? No one cares what you paid for it, I paid 42k for my pickup 5 years ago, you think I am getting 42k for it back? You think anyone goes out, buys something, uses it for a few years, then can sell it for what they paid for it new? Are you smoking something? <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-15T19:28:58-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/1124381572.html Dear aquarium sellers... text The loudest vacuum cleaner on the face of the Earth (GONE) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/940682783.html **** UPDATE: The vacuum cleaner has been picked up by the first person who had emailed me. I received a number of emails begging me not to delete the ad, so I'll leave it for a while. **** Giving away absolutely free of charge, with no lien, mortgage, or other encumbrance of any sort, the undisputed world-record holder in the "loudest vacuum cleaner on the face of the Earth" category! Act now to take advantage of this truly unique opportunity! "Wow" your friends with this incredible Hoover! To accurately describe this fine piece of machinery, I will need to be rather wordy, so please bear with me on this matter. Imagine you are on the runway at D/FW airport, right in front of one of the jet exhaust deflectors. A Boeing 747-400 has just taxied on to the runway about 8 feet in front of you, and holds there, awaiting clearance for takeoff. After a few short moments, clearance is given. The pilot keeps the brakes firmly applied as the co-pilot gently places his hand on the throttles, then, in an instant, violently shoves all four of them forward to maximum thrust; right up against the stops. The ensuing cacophony resulting from the dissonance between the screaming whine of the turbines spinning at ten bazillion RPM and the 65,000 MPH blast of air and choking exhaust blasting you into the cold, sooty metal of the deflector is utterly deafening. That is not how loud this vacuum is. It's louder. Just as the pilot of the 747 releases the wheel brakes, and the silvery, tubular behemoth commences its trip toward the other end of the runway and into the wild, blue yonder, air traffic control realizes they have made a deadly mistake; they had previously cleared an Airbus A380, the largest plane in the world, to land on the same runway, in the opposite direction! Frantically, they radio the two planes in a vain attempt to prevent the impending disaster, but to no avail. The planes meet nose-to-nose in a gut wrenching, mind-numbing collision. Add that noise to the already earsplitting din that was being emitted by the first plane. That is not how loud this vacuum is. It's louder. While all of this is happening, the air traffic control supervisor has notified the airport's fire department and they have rolled to the scene just as this tragedy takes place. Their sirens are blaring as they pull up, only adding additional decibels to the already unbearable level of noise you are experiencing. Your eardrums feel like red hot razor blades fired from a 12 gauge shotgun careening around inside your cranium. You honestly wish a 2-ton piece of the shrapnel flying from the ruins could just catapult your way and sever your head, putting you out of your misery once and for all. It never happens; you survive this, the most miserable moment of your entire life, surrounded by carnage, the noise level absolutely unbearable, with blood now flowing profusely from what used to be your ears. That is not how loud this vacuum is. It's louder. Take the entire scene and insert it into the humungous wind tunnel at the Chrysler factory. Run the wind tunnel up to about 350 MPH. Take the noise you are now being subjected to, and triple it. Now, THAT'S how loud this damn vacuum is. I've had people tell me I'm wrong, that this thing is much worse than I've described, and I'm being gentle just to be able to unload it on some poor, disadvantaged housewife in an act of masochism, thinly veiled as generous, selfless philanthtopy. I expect the competition for this beauty to be fierce, but if you want it, just email me and I'll set it out on the curb for you. If you need help finding the place after I give you the address, just let me know. I'll turn the lovely contraption on and you can follow the roar. Don't worry, it'll drown out the highway sounds from the semis, and the traffic choppers overhead and you'll have no problem getting here, even if you're just pulling out of your driveway in Guatemala. Don't get me wrong, it does what it's supposed to do; it cleans the floor. I'm just tired of cleaning the blood from the walls that sprays out of my ears when I use this little gem. ATTACHMENTS INCLUDED! ALLERGEN FILTRATION! BRUSHED EDGE CLEANING! WON'T LAST! ACT NOW TO TAKE THIS CREAM PUFF HOME WITH YOU TODAY! <ul> <li> Location: GONE <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-01T13:12:41-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/940682783.html The loudest vacuum cleaner on the face of the Earth (GONE) text WELL HERE GOES... - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/888457581.html This is weird... I saw you at the park the other day- you know, the one by the school? You were over by that tree taking a leak and I thought that your coat looked GORGEOUS!! I wanted to sniff your rear end and ask if you use liver oil or fish oil supplements but then a bird distracted me (dunno- I think it was a crow) and I ran off. When I came back you were kinda busy eating some poop. Please please please lemme know... <ul> <li> Location: DALLAS <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-10-21T20:29:08-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/888457581.html WELL HERE GOES... - w4m text You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/796258913.html I shouted "fuck the police"...you made the black panther fist. You got tasered, I got goosebumps. Your hair is very pretty. Let's chat after you make bail. <ul> <li> Location: Dallas <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-14T08:58:46-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/796258913.html You were being shoved into a Dallas Police car. - m4w text Ferocious Attack Kitten http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/705407729.html Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him. This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following: * insects * other trained attack kittens * babies * toilet paper * anything under a blanket * unwanted house guests * paper bags * floor rugs * Chuck Norris * Feet. Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting. He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be. This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide. Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you'll figure that out really fast. Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it. Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens... please be prepared to show scars. For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house. <img src="705407729.1.jpg"> <img src="705407729.2.jpg"> <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-02T19:10:20-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/705407729.html Ferocious Attack Kitten text Door to door religious idiots http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/330728336.html A local charismatic church has decided it's a good idea to send their families into the surrounding neighborhoods to "invite" people to their church. They do this on Saturdays, trying to get people to go to their church the next morning. The families dress up like they're going to a nice backyard party - the men in Dockers or Docker shorts with nice shirts, women in nice shorts (not too short now!) or dresses, girls in summer dresses, etc. They've bothered me the last several Saturdays, ignoring the large NO SOLICITING sign on the door which, as I explained to two groups of them already, goes for churches as far as I'm concerned regardless of the wording of the relevant city ordinance. This past Saturday I decided to trim the dog's nails. I don't do this very often because I have to do it by myself and the dog hates it. She would rather be whipped with a bullwhip than have her nails trimmed. I don't know why...that's just one of her quirks. The dog is a min pin, black, and about 16 pounds of wiry frame and pure muscle. I start, as I always do, with trying to use treats to get her to comply. I take her into the bathroom and give her a treat. I put a treat in the bathtub and put her in there. So far so good. I tell her to sit and gave her a treat. Textbook...up until this point. Now comes the fun part. The dog and I go through the sit - grab paw - stand game. The dog sits. I grab a paw and lift it up to try to trim the nails. The dog stands, which allows her to gain leverage to pull against me. I push her rear down and she sits again. Start over. The problem is that the dog has infinite time in which to play this game and I have other things to do. The offer of treats is irrelevant...the dog knows that if she complies the nails will get trimmed, which is tantamount to torture for some reason. Twenty minutes of this and it's time for plan B. Oh well, at least I can say I tried. Plan B involves putting the dog in various wrestling holds that still allow me to hold each paw with one hand and trim the nails with the other. Unfortunately this has two drawbacks. One is that the dog can still twitch her legs enough to cause me to trim the nails either too close or not close enough. The other is that the newly trimmed nails are extremely sharp, so that the dog gains weaponry to use against me as the process continues. After a wrestling/trimming session that could have headlined as a grudge match on any WWF program, the dog finally has trimmed nails. Unevenly trimmed, but trimmed none the less. At least one nail on each paw is trimmed too close, so during the match my white t-shirt has become covered in blood. My arms and legs are scratched up like I've been in a fight with a rabid bobcat, I'm covered in dog hair, and I'm sweating profusely. The dog is none the worse for wear except for the fact that she can now walk properly. I've had enough of her for the day, so I pick her up to take her out to the back yard. As I'm about to put her out, the doorbell rings, which causes her to start barking and writhing around in my arms, giving me a few extra scratches just for good measure. Out she goes. I head back to the bathroom to start cleaning up, and the doorbell rings again. The dog starts barking and jumping on the back door, leaving bloody streaks in the process. Having already had enough of whoever is at the door, I decide to ignore it. The doorbell rings again. Fine. Anyone but Ed McMahon is going to be sorry. Still out of breath from the fight, sweating, covered in scratches and blood and hair, and carrying a nail trimming tool in one hand, I fling open the door. The picture-perfect charismatic family has decided to let the little girl be the front man. She looks to be about eight years old. She's standing on the front porch, while Mom, Dad, and Little Brother - about five - are standing a few feet back on the walkway. I grit my teeth in my best Dirty Harry impression, look directly at the little girl, and say, "Yes?" The boy isn't paying much attention, having found a stick with which to occupy himself, but the other three family members are frozen. The mom finally pulls the boy back against her leg, but they're too far from the girl to reach her without stepping closer themselves. The girl is unable to move. The dad, showing his true colors, is also petrified. The mom finally gives him an elbow and he tries to find his voice. I continue to stare at the little girl. "Yes, can I help you?" The boy finally looks up and sees me. He starts with a low moaning noise and slowly works up to a scream. He scampers behind his mom and latches onto her leg so she can't easily move. Dad gets his voice back and says, "Mm-m-maybe this is a bad time, uh, Lindsay honey come on, let's go." Lindsay is as still as a stone. Still staring at the girl, I take a step forward onto the welcome mat. My jaw still locked, speaking through my teeth, I say, "Not at all. Would you like to come in?" Lindsay's fight-or-flight instinct kicks in, except in her case it's fight-or-scream. She lets out a scream that would put Fay Wray to shame. Then another. And another. Dad, figuring he better do something, takes a careful step forward and pulls Lindsay back. She continues to stare at me and scream as he picks her up. Little brother is in full scream mode also, and attempts to climb up his mom's backside. She almost trips over him trying to get turned around, picks him up and starts trotting away. Dad follows with the girl. Bye now! I go back in and close the door, then go to the window and watch. Mom and Dad do their best to jog all the way back to their minivan parked across the street a few houses down. Just as they get to the minivan, Lindsay, who is still looking back toward my house and screaming, pukes all down her dad's back. Mom tries to put the boy down, but he's clinging to her like a monkey. Dad fishes the keys out of his pocket and they all get in the van. After a minute Mom and Dad step back out. Mom's front is all wet. Apparently the boy peed all over her. Dad is covered in puke, and takes off his shirt and leaves it in the street. Mom and Dad finally get in the van and the family leaves. I know what's coming, so I quickly go to the bathroom and jump in the tub where I was trimming the dog's nails. I turn on the shower and wash off all the blood and hair. I hide the wet clothes in the bottom of the hamper and put on an identical white shirt and similar shorts. My hair is very short, so it dries quickly with just a towel. I dry the bathtub with the towel as well. I then go to the back yard with a paper towel and wipe the blood off the back door. The dog has stopped bleeding by now. Perfect. Two minutes later the doorbell rings again. "Yes officer?" I say after I open the door. "Can I help you?" He looks me up and down and says there's been a complaint of something strange going on in the house. He's being purposefully vague, so I ask for more details. He mentions a bloody shirt and points out the scratches on my arms and legs. "I just finished trimming the dog's nails and they're very sharp. We were playing afterwards and I got scratched up a little." I invite him in and he takes a look around. I take him to the back door and show him the dog. Then I say, "Oh, I know what they must have seen...come in here." We go to the kitchen and I pull the paper towel out of the trash can. "See? I got a couple of the dog's nails a little close, and I used this to stop the bleeding. I must have had it in my hand when I answered the door." The officer asks if he can look around the house, and I say he can. He just kind of walks up the hallway and sticks his head in to give each room a cursory glance. Satisfied that he's seen enough, he starts to leave. I stop him and say, "By the way officer, I have a 'No Soliciting' sign, and although I'm aware that the city ordinance says it's for sales only, I have it there because I don't wish to be disturbed by anyone. I imagine other people with those signs feel the same way. Maybe you could say something to those people?" "Will do," he says as he leaves. "Thanks for your cooperation." I watch out the window again as Mom and Dad, who have returned, gesture towards my house as the officer shakes his head. Dad starts to get a little hot, and the officer finally points his finger at him and says something. The officer then shakes his head as he gets in his car and leaves. It seems he has better things to do than field complaints from overreacting religious nuts. Mom and Dad get back in their minivan and leave, hopefully having learned their lesson. So, if you've been bothered by people from this particular church the last few Saturdays, there's a good chance you won't be bothered any more.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: N. Dallas <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-14T13:58:43-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/330728336.html Door to door religious idiots text Open Letter From a Cop http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/316206178.html Ladies and Gentlemen, Allow me to introduced myself. I am a police officer. More importantly to this post, I am a police officer who is sick and damned tired of dealing with certain things on a day to day basis: 1) Contrary to what you might think, I am not an idiot. That ring on my finger is a BA from Texas Tech. My GPA was a 3.71 and I was in fact the president of my frat (which means I got a lot of stories that start out "So, this one time, we were fucked up, and...). So, when I make the mistake of mispronouncing your name (the last name with 17 fucking letters, only two of which are vowels), dont give me that look like I just kicked your puppy. While I may not be an idiot, I am human and I do fuck things up from time to time. When I apologize for pulling you over because I thought your tags were out, just take the sorry and be on about your way. DO NOT get a high and mighty attitude. Our state has over 5000 traffic laws, I can find one to help you get over your tude. 2) No, I do not have "real criminals" I should be out looking for. Did you happen to notice the fucking Harley parked behind you with LED's blinking? Lemme give you a hint - if you see a motorcycle officer, our entire job relates to asshole drivers. Asshole drivers are the ones who make your daily commute dangerous (Or, a complete standstill, once they wreck out). With that in mind, shut up about the other "important" things I "should be doing." Believe it or not, I tried to get this job. Dont act like you wouldnt like to get paid to ride a Harley for 8 hours a day. But, the main benefit of this job, is I dont have "Real criminals" to fuck with. No shagging calls, dealing with domestics, and so on. My worst days are telling someone they lost a loved one in a wreck I just worked. Which, brings me to my next point: 3) If I was a dick from the beginning of the stop, I apologize. I mean that with all sincerity. I am human. If I've dealt with 10 assholes before I stopped you or maybe delivered a death notification, I may have done the wrong thing and assumed you were gonna be one too. Believe it or not, after my shift on the way home, I'll probably reflect on my day and feel a bit shitty if our interaction stands out because I was a jerk. Yours wouldnt be the first citation I've "lost" because I thought I was being an overbearing prick at the time I wrote it. We all have our bad days. 4) No good deed goes unpunished. I know that. But, if I give you a warning - DO NOT assume I pulled you over for a bullshit reason and then lost my nerve. Just because I didnt write you for 7 over the limit, doesnt mean I was profiling and you should set up a meeting with my Chief and your NAACP rep. You complaining that "He stopped me for nothin, oterwise he'd have given me a ticket," is bullshit and, frankly, is the reason most of us have stopped giving warnings. Profiling is BULLSHIT, by the way. You're hauling ass past me at 70+ mph. I have to see your speed, if you have a front license plate, registration sticker, inspection sticker and if you're wearing a seatbelt in the split second you pass me. I couldnt give two shits if your black white or green. 5) No, you may not see my RADAR gun. For a few reasons. First, I dont have to show it to you. You bestfriend's roommate's boyfriend who talked to a cop once is fucking wrong. I dont have to show it to you, I dont care what you heard. Second, I dont want to show it to you, because I dont want you out of your car. Why? You may not know that you're not gonna attack me, but I dont know that. If you're seated, you're less of a threat and I like feeling as comfy as I can. Also, I dont have a RADAR anymore. I have LIDAR. If you're gonna act like a lawyer on the side of the road, get your shit squared away first and know what you're talking about. Finally, you cant see the LIDAR for your own safety. You feel that way your car rocks every time an 18 wheeler flys by? I'd rather not get sued becuase your stupid ass fell into traffic and got killed on my stop. While I'm on my good pal LIDAR, it has some neat features. It's a laser beamed device, so - no, I couldnt have gotten the guy next to you. It's got a scope on it, and the scope's dot was aimed directly at your car's grill. Also, it tells me the distance in feet that i clocked you at. So, dont tell me, I couldnt have gotten you from that far, because I can. Its accurate to 2500 feet (half a mile or so), and I can clock you, get two swigs of coffee and eat three donut holes by the time you get close enough to see my motorcycle on the shoulder. 6) Arguements take place in court, not on the side of the road. No exceptions. And, yes, I will show up to court. Even on my day off. I get paid (by you, thanks for reminding me) OT to show up to court, and I'm trying to con my wife into letting me buy a new boat, so I need that money. Now, once we get to court, follow a few easy rules: Dont lie. My bike has a video camera on it, and that box on my belt is a mic. The camera is hooked into my fixed 4 way RADAR, so it shows your speed (if I didnt clock you with a LIDAR unit, that is). Oh, and judges dont like all those cuss words you used out at the scene... Dont yell at me outside the court room. This is not a personal matter to me, even if it is for you. After this, Im going home and watching my Texas Rangers fuck up another promising season. You will be the furthest thing from my mind. Guys and gals, we are the same as you. We've got a home life that might suck, bills to pay, college loans, the damned team that never wins (Tech losing in the first fuckin round! Damn you Bobby Knight), and so on. We have feelings, personalities, and dreams just like you. When Im at your window, look at my face. You met a hundred guys like me in college, and loved em. I was that guy a few years ago, and not much has changed. Im still a nice guy, treat me like one and you might just get a warning.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: DFW Area TX <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-21T15:51:45-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/316206178.html Open Letter From a Cop text Dear scratch-off guy http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/257403668.html Hey there, scratch-off guy. Funny seeing you again. Seems like every time I stop at my local Quik-E-Mart you are at the counter redeeming your winning scratch-offs. What's that? You won $5 with that batch? Super! Only cost you $15, so that's not a total wash, is it? Now if I could just pay for my soda and stuff...No? Not finished? Well, that's fine. I guess I could hang out for a bit. Man, it really IS hard to pick which scratch-offs you want. I mean, they are all so tempting, and they have those cute little names like Texas Twister, Fat Cash and Bah Humbucks. Oh the decisions. They are all so brightly colored and shiny! I have an idea. Why don't you buy the one called Dumb Fucks? Because that's what you are if you think you are EVER going to come out ahead on your little card-stock gambling substitutes. Wait. I'm sorry. I am just having a little sugar crash. Hence my stop here at the convenience store. Go ahead and gamble your disposable income. Not my place to judge. By the way, have you noticed that the line is now 4 people deep? We're all waiting on you to make up your mind. I'd ask if you pulled this shit in line at the post office, but let's face it. You don't look like the stamp collecting type. Not unless stamps came with a little graphite covered section that gave you a chance to win $5, right? Come to think of it. I've seen you at the cable company, paying your bill. No need to buy stamps when you can spend all day driving around the city paying your bills...in person...late. Oh great. You've pulled the trigger on the Deal or No Deal scratch off. That's cute. Its just like the TV show, and it has a ton of little things to scratch off. Wait, don't start fishing in your pocket for change! Dear lord, how can you think its OK to sit and scratch that right there at the counter. Jesus H, man. Can we just fast forward to the 15 minute process whereby you try to communicate to the clerk which whiskey-flavored cherry cheroot miniature cigarillo you would like to purchase?? I know you and the clerk love that little routine. You pointing vaguely to the quasi-cigarette flavored tobacco section and saying helpful things like "those" or "over there" -- the clerk sort of parroting everything you say in a vague mumble and looking over his shoulder with a vapid smile and blank stare. Come to think of it, I don't need a soda. Think I'll just head home and stick my head in the oven. Thanks, scratch-off guy.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> Location: DFW <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-01-04T06:25:07-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/257403668.html Dear scratch-off guy text Free Spectacles for One-eared man http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/99656644.html I currently have two ears, so these glasses are not particularly well-suited for me, however, if you are missing your RIGHT ear, and have a -3.00 prescription in both eyes, then these glasses are for you! Designer BCBG frames, anti-glare coating and a genuine glasses case seal this deal! <img src=99656644.jpg> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-09-24T09:51:18-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/99656644.html Free Spectacles for One-eared man text Soldiers in a volunteer Army and other political rants http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/92777140.html All right, break it the fuck up. I'm so goddamn tired of this "they all volunteered" bullshit. It may be true, but there are, as usual, other things to consider here. As usual, nobody's bringing them up, just shrieking "No, I'M right!" "No, I'M right!" at each other like cracked-out banshees. FYI, a whole lot of them probably signed up either right after 9/11, when we had a real reason to go whoop some ass (I tried to re-enlist, but they broke me the first time around and wouldn't take me back - and yeah, I'm a female, just to further blow your minds, from a well-to-do area at that), or they were in the Reserves, the purpose of which is use in a desperate national emergency, not overrunning a sovereign nation for no legitimate reason. There's a difference, dittoheads. Now you've got all these people over there - and I talk to a great many of them and their spouses online - who are appalled at the fact that they're fighting an unethical war that we shouldn't even be IN, and they're doing so with insufficient armor and other supplies, well over a year after the story first broke. Halliburton is making a fucking fortune off of tax money paying them to furnish hellishly bad facilities for the troops, so that's not about to change as long as Cheney can still croak out orders. They're being told "Yeah, your enlistment period is up...so?" and being kept on, months and years after they should have been home. Also, for some reason, earlier in 2004 we signed a pact with Canada saying they'd return our draft dodgers to us. Very odd as we aren't going to have a draft, but I digress, and for the love of god, don't start with that argument; only time will tell. People that got out are being called back, in many cases, using the kind of shady logic and loopholes that CEOs regularly employ to fuck over their employees (Enron; WorldCom; US Army). Somehow, this does not surprise me, what with our current McGovernment: buy the people, fuck the people (tm). You've got guys who are so badly fucked up, like my friend's husband, that he needs his spine operated on or he'll end up in a wheelchair, and instead, they're sending him back for his FIFTH FUCKING TOUR. I don't know how the hell he's going to survive, being in a combat MOS and half-crippled. I've completely lost track of one friend of mine who needed surgery and got deployed instead; emails go unanswered, and I don't know where the hell his family is, so I can't contact them to find out if he's dead or alive. And so on, and so forth. To add insult to injury, one senator noticed that the VA budget had somehow gone underfunded by a cool billion dollars, and tried to get a resolution passed to rectify the situation. Result: Blocked by, guess who, Republicans. So now, you've got VA hospitals closing all over the country, service members coming back all fucked up from, among other things, depleted uranium ammunition, and they can't even get treatment. New applicants to the VA medical program are now required to pay $250/year, regardless if their condition is service-related or not. It almost always is, for the record, and a lot of these people are now unable to work and cannot afford that price. Do you hear about this on the news? Oh FUCK no! It might be on page 57 of the classifieds. Maybe. What a great fucking country, and yeah, they volunteered, but most of them would not have if they'd known in advance that we'd be invading Iraq for spurious reasons and lies, that they'd be getting so screwed over while there, and further screwed once they got out. I am not going to debate our real reason for being there with any of you Fox-News-Watching Knee-Jerk-Response Neanderthals, either, so keep it to yourself. Try looking at newsfeeds from other countries if you REALLY want to know what's going on for a change. To confirm everything I've said so far, check military.com, I trust that will not be immediately denigrated as being part of the non-existent Liberal Media. For you liberals out there, word, and check out smirkingchimp.com for some insightful and informative political reading. Fuck Fox News, and fuck everyone who is all gung-ho for this war, waves flags, has a fucking magnet supporting the troops on their vehicle (I don't even own a vehicle, so kiss my ass before starting that lame-ass argument with me) and who can't be fucking bothered to contribute to a care package drive for the troops when your coworker starts one, or send one themselves. If you want to support the troops, send them some fucking Kevlar. Till you do, shut the fuck up. Last but not least: If you were never in the military, SHUT THE FUCK UP about them being "volunteers" or the rightness of this war. Frankly, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about, you civilians, and I say that with all possible scorn. Oh yeah, and before the shit-slinging starts: 1. I am not a fag. Indeed, cannot be, lacking the requisite equipment. I could, however, possibly be called a fag in a woman's body. I'm not a lesbian either, although many interesting attempts have been made to get me to change teams, and after seeing the m4w ads for Dallas, I really fucking wish I could. 2. I am not ugly. I am also not posting a pic because I don't feel like having some Bushite pop a cap in my ass out of nowhere while I'm minding my own business because they recognized me someplace. 3. I am fat. Meaning, am bigger around than a broomstick. Have fun with that. 4. I'm not stupid. The very fact that I can, and do, construct coherent sentences, present arguments in a logical manner with facts to back them up and sources to back up my facts, and I can spell, a feat which is apparently utterly beyond the talents of a great many people here, should attest to that. I admit to a slight tendency to run-on sentences. Go on, insult me with that. 5. I can, and do, get laid, with amazing frequency and creativity. I also stick with one guy. If I have to get a new guy, he doesn't get anything at all, not even oral, till we get tested, so I am also disease-free. 6. I am gainfully employed, not a welfare slacker or reliant on my husband. 7. I am not a redneck. Oh my god, I'm worse. I'm a damn Yankee. Grew up in the northern suburbs of Chicago. By the way, downtown Dallas sucks worse than any other downtown of any city I've ever been in, and damn, that's saying something. 8. I speak 3 languages, 2 of them very badly but I do speak them, and have lived overseas as a civilian, so Canadian dude, put a sock in it. Hell, use several, it's fucking cold up there. 9. I have a college degree. Paid for it myself. I am "edjoomicated", not "iggnerrant". 10. I'm not racist or anything else ending with -ist, except for misanthropist - I pretty much hate everyone equally. Did I miss any of the usual mud-slinging insults? If I did, my abject apologies, I normally skip those posts since they're all so mind-numbingly alike/boring. Over and out. ~ Abra webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-08-22T21:03:39-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/92777140.html Soldiers in a volunteer Army and other political rants text Rant: Don't marry my Ex-Wife http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/70541539.html Warning: Do not marry my ex-wife. I know, I know - she's hot, has beautiful eyes and a great ass... and those tits, yeah, they're fake. Thank God I refused to buy them when we were married (all I could think of was some random dude playing with my $7,000). Plus, I really do like small tits. There's something innocent, sweet and honest about those natural A/B cups. I told her that 3,000 times. Remember, when you finally get to second base, those fun saline bags are surgically inserted into one wacked-out psycho. Two marriage counselors fired us because they couldn't handle her. Little Miss Cinderella. She left because she wasn't "happy" - WTF? You're not "happy" because you're a friggin' train wreck. A seventh figure in the income and another 3,000 square feet are not going to cure that. Oh, and abandoning your kid is not going to cure that either. I know. It's awesome when she puts her slender little ankles up around your head - you'll be exploring her best parts. Once it's over, you're going to have to forget about her ankles and deal with her head... and the head is pretty but it "ain't right." And the head is huge. This girl has an ego to go with that ass. Mix in a little irrationality and a healthy dose of unreasonableness and you end up with my lovely ex-wife. As trustee, she stole tens of thousands of dollars from a trust she was managing. No empathy for others. A real class act. I had no emotion for her for such a long time. No feeling. Now, after some reflection and an accounting of my life with her - - - I decided that I hate that bitch. So, anyway, I digress... just have fun with her. Date her if you want. She can't survive without a man, so watch out for the claws. Have lots of sex, take her out on dates, show her off to your friends. Just don't marry her! You've been warned. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-27T18:21:16-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/70541539.html Rant: Don't marry my Ex-Wife text Buy my boyfriend's creepy ex-wife's engagement ring http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/70405005.html When my boyfriend made a huge mistake and asked his creepy ex-wife to marry him, he gave her a lovely ring with a synthetic stone (they were broke). He told her they'd replace the diamond on their fifth anniversary, but that wasn't good enough for the creepy ex-wife. She told everyone who admired it that it was fake, and that she couldn't believe her fiance got her a fake rock. What a bitch. So she secretly started shopping around for a diamond. When she found one sufficiently out of their means, she insisted that they buy it. To shut up her shrill, creepy shrieks, my boyfriend agreed. They couldn't qualify for a big enough line of credit for the creepy ex-wife's ring, so the creepy ex-wife's creepy mother cosigned for it. My boyfriend eventually wised up and left the creepy ex-wife, but now he's stuck with this ring (that she so magnanimously gave back, not wanting to be stuck with the payments and the 25 percent interest rate). Sometimes the creepy ex-mother-in-law complains about having the loan still on her credit report. Well, you should have thought of that before you co-signed for a ring for your creepy daughter, you bitch. I don't want the ring. It has creepy associations, and anyway, I think buying expensive engagement jewelry is stupid. (No offense, Pumpkin. It wasn't your fault.) But it would be perfect for YOU! Don't tell your future fiancee it's a divorce ring. Just show her the appraisal papers. She'll squeal with delight and throw you on the bed and ravish you right then and there. This stupid ring cost $7,000 on sale when my boyfriend's creepy ex-wife insisted on buying it. It's appraised at over $10,000. We have the European Gemological Labrotory (EGL) report. Details are at the bottom of the ad. We still owe $5,500 and that's exactly what we'd like to get for it. I want it out of our lives and off our credit. If you can't afford that, make an offer anyway. Its creepy presence is pissing me off. E-mail us for more information at the above address. And before you give it to her, make sure your bride-to-be isn't creepy! P.S. If you don't want the creepy ex-wife's ring, then click on "best of craigslist" up there so maybe lots of people will see this and perhaps buy the creepy ex-wife's ring. <img src="http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/creepyexsring/ring.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com"> <img src="http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y153/creepyexsring/ringdoc.jpg" alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com"> The setting is a size 7 (but can be easily resized) in yellow gold. Shape: Round Brilliant Meas: 7.53-7.45 x 4.45 mm Weight: 1.54 Symmetry: Good Clarity: I1 Color: F Depth: 69.40% Table: 67.00% Girdle: Thin to medium faceted Culet: None Polish: Good Flourescence: None Appraisal: Nov. 6, 2001 for $10,790 webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-27T00:06:13-05:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/dal/70405005.html Buy my boyfriend's creepy ex-wife's engagement ring text