Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-10-03T20:04:13-04:00 2 daily To the girl who stole my bike as a gesture of flirtation - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/865564186.html I love how well you get me--you know that the way to my heart is through my bike, and I can only assume that you cut the chain binding my '86 Benotto to that stop sign in East Williamsburg late Thursday night in the hopes of starting a conversation with me. It was a really gutsy plan. "Oh hey," youd say as I walked up. "I was just stealing your bike." "What the fuck?" I'd say. "I feel terrible," you'd say. And then you'd say something cute to move things along, like "Can I make it up to you with coffee?" I totally understand where you were coming from--we all have a hard time starting a conversation with the person we have a crush on. Your plan was actually really good and clever and I am just so so bummed that we missed each other. I can imagine how awful you felt--it's midnight in East Williamsburg and you're standing there holding 3-foot-long garden clippers and feeling very, very conspicuous. Theres a busted chain pooled at your feet and a beautiful old white Italian racing bike with blue highlights and red handlebar tape leaning up against a stop sign, and I'm nowhere in sight. You're starting to wonder whether I'm ever going to show up. Maybe I've gone to Arizona for the weekend or something. Then you realize, with a sense of dread that grows and grows the longer you wait, that you can't just leave the bike there and abandon the whole plan--the chain is well and truly cut, so the bike isn't secure anymore and it would be all too easy for some complete and total fucking asshole to walk away with it and make maybe $150 selling my most beloved possession and possibly greatest and most trusted friend so far in New York. If this were to happen, if this hypothetical asshole were to walk away with my bike, which I just spent my first month here searching for and then carefully patching up and tuning, then where would all my love for this bike go? It would simply vanish. The bike would be reduced to an object of monetary value and I would be reduced to a guy who has to find a new bike. There would be measurably less love in the world, and the hypothetical asshole who had stolen my bike would therefore be a destroyer of love. A Love Destroyer. You, of course, could not allow this to happen. The destruction of love is antithetical to your core mission in life, which is to create love, more love, for me. So you decided to take the bike for safe-keeping. THANK YOU. I cannot express how grateful I am and how eager to finally to have our long-awaited conversation, which might honestly be a little awkward now but will be well worth it. I've been pretty lonely in my first month in New York and kind of missing my ex-girlfriend and frankly I'm just really flattered that you've taken an interest in me. I can't wait to meet you. And to get my bike back. <ul> <li> Location: East Williamsburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-10-03T20:04:13-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/865564186.html To the girl who stole my bike as a gesture of flirtation - m4w text Tips For Clueless People Who Get Mugged http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/845973660.html So you've just moved into a new "gentrifying" neighboorhood that's full of urban culture, cheap(er) rents, and wonderful friendly people. An odd lack of organic food stores and greenmarkets, but you can't have everything. So one day you're doing something FUCKING RETARDED like walking back from the store alone at 1 am or walking home from the subway while texting your sorority sisters back in the fucking midwest or something while SIMULTANEOUSLY listening to an ipod with the bright white headphones and you get fucking mugged. Congrats, YOU'RE A FUCKING DUMBASS. No, it's not 1990, when men where men, crackheads would fucking cut you and the robbery rate was about a billion times higher than it is now, but it's still new york and you were still fucking dumb enough to think that paying $1200 for a studio in a shitty neighboorhood is somehow hipper than moving to fucking Queens. Anyway, here's some helpful tips for the next time someone jacks your shit. 1) Pay attention. Granted, you weren't paying attention to start with or you wouldn't have gotten mugged, but now that you've been hit from behind / had a gun shoved in your face, pay attention. 2) Follow directions. Give the friendly mugger what he wants. Don't talk back or fight. In all likelyhood, you're a pussy hipster retard, and are, by NYC law, unarmed. 3) You've been paying attention right? Remember some simple things in this order: sex, clothing color, clothing type, headwear, and direction of flight. 4) Congratulations! You've just been robbed and you're still alive. What now? Well, don't go back to your apartment and call the cops thirty minutes later. Don't call your mom in Kansas and tell her first. CALL THE COPS AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. You'd be amazed at how many people fuck up this simple step. Pay phones still exist as do 24/7 bogies. Go there, call the cops. 5) It may take a while for the cops to show up. The 911 system, at best, will result in a five minute wait before we're even notified. Then we have to drive there without killing anyone. Be patient. For that matter, tell the 911 operator exactly where you are. Nothing makes a responding cop happier than having to scour the area for your dumb ass while the perp gets away. 6) Resist the temptation to curse/complain/bitch about the cops while you're waiting for us to show up. We're probably busy. Even if we're not, don't expect us to come tear-assing across the precinct lights and sirens to get to you 2 minutes sooner. I have no intention of broadsiding a livery cab and getting fired just because you got your sidekick took. 7) When we do arrive: get in the car, tell us what they looked like and where they went. Something simple. "AGE/RACE/RED HOODIE/BLUE JEANS/NORTH ON BROADWAY" Really all we need. 8) We are now going to "canvass". Get in the fucking car. We aren't going to get you shot you fucking pussy. Also, comments like "I can't believe this happened to me" or "I'm in shock" or "OH GOD WHY"- shove it. Save it for the bar later. If you haven't actually gotten shot, shived or stomped grow a fucking pair and close your mouth. 9) We are now going to drive around and try to arrest someone. Quick con-law refresher for the lib hippy types: if you're in my car, and have given me a description, THAT MEANS WE ARE STOPPING PEOPLE WHO FIT THAT DESCRIPTION. If you told me they are violent or armed, it's probably going to be a felony stop. So when you tell me it's a 15 year old black kid in a red hoodie with a silver pistol, don't be surprised when the car slams to a halt and we jump out and stop a 15 year old black kid in a red hoodie. I am not violating his rights, I am not hassling him because he's a minority. I'm stopping him because YOU GAVE US HIS FUCKING DESCRIPTION. If the kid is not the one who robbed you, he'll be on his way in five minutes. On the other hand, if he is the one who robbed you, he may decide to run/fight/pull out a gun - you don't stop suspected armed robbers by asking pretty please. If this offends you, get the fuck out of my car and go find the guy who mugged you yourself. 10) We failed to find your robber. No surprise: they've probably done this before and had an escape route all planned out. They were probably back in their apartment / subway / taxi before you even called 911. Don't bitch. It happens. This isn't Law And Order. 11) Yes, you are coming back to the precinct to make a fucking report. I'm sure the CO, Kelly and Bloomberg would be fucking thrilled if you didn't make a report as this helps the compstat stats (you watch the Wire, right?) but if I did all this fucking work, you're taking 30 minutes out of your day to make a god-damn report. Also, after you've finished venting about how we're all corrupt, racist, incompetent morons who probably got bullied in High School, you'll remember that you need a police report for your credit card companies, and you'll show up the next morning with a sheepish expression and ask to make a report. Let's do this now while the memory is still fresh. 11a) "You'll never catch the guy", "I don't remember much" and variations thereof are just insulting. Our detectives have been doing this job for years, and despite what TV/Movies taught you, only a small fraction are burned out alcoholics. They probably are going to catch this guy... eventually. 12) No racial language please. The odds are good you just got robbed by a black or hispanic male, and your buried-deep racism may be bubbling to the surface (especially if you're an out of town transplant / college student). The majority of the co-workers on my shift and in the DT squad are minority. It's embarrassing when you use racial slurs in front of them. Amazingly, most cops aren't racist, although we do have a universal contempt for crackheads, gang members, and dumbass white people. In conclusion: Don't be stupid, pay attention, call the cops, and don't be a dick. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-09-18T15:48:12-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/845973660.html Tips For Clueless People Who Get Mugged text You reap what you sow: the greed of an archetypal Lehman douche http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/843443153.html Most of you deserve this, you really, truly do. You chose this road because it was easy and because youre stupid. This was and is the best youll ever do. You know who Im talking about. Im pointing the finger at you, you and you. And especially you. To all the overtanned Jersey douchebags with steroid addictions, to the smug Ivy League grads with dads in high places, to the good looking brain dead women that eschew Anne Taylor Loft for sales rack Brooks Brothers, and to the upwardly mobile black girls with fake hair and inappropriate-for-work Joyce Leslie outfits. Actually, scratch that. The black girls can stay. Fuck all of you. You brought this upon yourselves. Your Alpha male bullshit begat this greed, your vile existence is truly at the core of this collapse. For all the times you and your drunk cronies threw up on the street outside Pacha, for all the times you made a scene on the 3:51 LIRR train to Babylon, for all the times you stood on the Path train, or the 6, iPod in hand, desperately trying not to touch anyone. You had it coming. Is there some kind of code that says you MUST wear a blue shirt? Or is that some kind of unspoken bro ethos? Like, if youre the dude in the white button down in Bryant Park, is no one gonna blow you? Or is conforming just that much easier, is conformity just a part of your DNA? Is that really the true reason why youre so universally loathsome to anyone thats not a part of that vile world? Before the Bubble O Bullshit burst, you would laugh at me. You were the douche bags that felt superior, the ones who turned up their nose at their working-class roots, the ones who scoffed at their peers who worked at the Local Union. You were the ones who laughed at those that worked at non-profits and LIKED IT. Art History? What are you going to do with a major in Art History? Yeah, your finance major got you real fucking far. Maybe after this ship sails youll realize that aside from your rape trial, college didnt teach you much of anything. Sorry bro, but in the real world, you cant walk down the street, lacrosse stick in hand, and just get respect. I hope that with this smashup comes your own social foreclosure. I hope all those dudes from my high school -- you know who I'm talking about -- the ones that never got good grades, the ones that never knew how to act like decent human beings, the date rapists, the juicers, the guidos, the Quinnipiac or Iona grads that never should have graduated yet somehow landed cushy Wall Street jobs -- receive the guerdon from the gods . I hope youre evicted from your Upper East Side apartment, I hope your Denali gets repoed, I hope you cant afford your bullshit Murray Hill lifestyle. I hope you truly get your comeuppance. Because its well fucking deserved and the Universe knows it. And what about me, you ask? Im laughing all the way to the nonexistent bank. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-09-16T17:57:10-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/843443153.html You reap what you sow: the greed of an archetypal Lehman douche text SWF who isn't asking too much http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/835057632.html I am a single, free-spirted, web-savvy thirtysomething female. Living in the gorgeous Caroll Gardens for the past year, I love life and am only looking for a man who is not an idiotic pig-headed beer-swilling moron (which seems to be hard to find in this city). This is my final plea to the Craigslist community. I own my own internet business which means I don't get to leave the house much, but I do know the internet and its dating potential. So far it has let me down every single time. I've done MySpace, Facebook, Match.Com, eHarmony, and even Jdate (I'm not Jewish and don't care about Israel). Don't get me started on Jdate. But with so many people out there, at least ONE guy can match this. I know he's out there. My standards are exacting, but they're not too much to ask. Life is too short to compromise yourself! Here is what I am looking for. It's not much. If you're this guy or know this guy, have him contact me right away. -non smoker -must love cats and be open to the idea of future adoptions -must not be more than one to five stops away from Carroll Gardens F train in either direction -must not be opposed to wicker furniture -must be 420 friendly -must clean up hair from the tub after a trim, a ring of hair around the edge is GROSS -past bar tending/table-serving experience a plus but not necessary -some knowledge of vintage wine -must be fluent in 2 languages (English DOES NOT count); I still like to practice my French from study abroad -toilet paper must go over, NEVER under, when placed in dispenser -PUT the lid DOWN. Animals have better manners than most men -no stockbrokers, unemployed musicians, actors, or baristas -no ravers, goths, punks, or rude boys -musical taste must include, but not be limited to, Kingston Trip, Buffy Sainte-Marie, and Judy Collins -name must not begin with an R, a J, or a B (Js are negotiable; Rs are not. Bs should consider that if they treat a cat nicely, it will respond accordingly; but if you scare it by approaching too fast, of course it will attack) -must like scented candles (not vanilla); no incense -must be willing to pay for dinner at least once a week at a Zagat-rated restaurant after proper research and scouting of restaurant -must own more than 3 items from ?The North Face? jacket line but no more than 5 -owning a car is a plus, but it can't be a hatchback (some standards) -I ski one weekend a year, so you ski. No shredders. -must love Gary Larson, and hate Dilbert -passionate about animal rights, but willing to take in the circus when it comes to town -must read at least 3 books a month, no comics unless Gary Larson -must have read complete works of Jane Austen -must know how to turn a Word document into a PDF -must be on T-Mobile for Fave 5 access -must love pinball and not play ping pong -3 out of your 5 favorite movies should be John Hughes films -must agree to watch "The Hills" on MTV on Sundays but hate that bitch Heidi, she is everything wrong with womankind -must know CPR and have current certification, ++ for SCUBA certification -must be home from 2-6pm on Saturdays to receive packages; bonus points if you're an Ebay power seller too! -NO FELONS!!! -must have all limbs, no quads (not biased, just poor past experience) -Ivy League education desirable, but Amherst, UPenn, Colgate, Vassar, Georgetown etc. acceptable -must have Scrabulous installed on Facebook during work hours -must prefer dark chocolate over milk; no omnivores -must like North-Eastern microbrews, NO COLORADO, NO EXCEPTIONS -no corduroy pants, jackets, shirts, socks, caps, etc. And while we're on the subject of hats, no hats at all. Having a hat as part of your job costume is not an excuse. I know the guy for me is out there. I've come so close to finding him in perfect form so many times. If you are this know or know this guy, PLEASE contact me. I am willing to make a few sacrifices, but not many. If you see yourself in even a FEW of my specifications, you are invited to apply. Think of it more like a guidebook to my heart. Please reply with a little bit about yourself, include pics. ~M <ul> <li> Location: Caroll Gardens <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-09-10T09:46:48-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/835057632.html SWF who isn't asking too much text Live in Nanny Needed for 4 kids (Pls don't call them "Precious Ones") http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/804253499.html My kids are a pain in the ass. Just in the past hour, i have had to tell each one to do something more than once. oldest: can i have soda? it's just a sprite? please? can i? no, no and no. the next one...don't even get me started. seriously. the twin six year olds: one wanted dessert before her dinner was over, one kept wanting to know why I wouldn't let nine year olds swing her around by her limbs. (the fear of a dislocated shoulder did nothing.) Please help me. I can be a tad difficult to work for. I'm loud, pushy and while I used to think we paid well, i am no longer sure. i work from home, so you get the pleasure of being hounded by me all day long. and, you get to pretend to like me, because i am deeply sensative. (but well dressed and a know it all, a winning combination I assure you.) If you cannot multi task, or communicate without being passive aggressive, don't even bother replying. If you are the type who doesn't notice crumbs on the table, skip to the next post, because crumbs are a deal breaker. they put me over the edge. i have all sorts of theories on how to stack my dishwasher, and if you are judgemental about ritalin for adhd, or think such things are caused by too much sugar, again, deal break city. You do get a separate entrance excellent studio on the ues. you do get air conditioner and internet connection and cable. even hbo. and showtime. you can bring your spouse, roommate or partner, but sorry no kids. If you ask, can i bring my kid, the answer will be...anyone? anyone? No. If you can cook, all the better. otherwise, i'll teach you all sorts of things about pasta. (Here's a freebie, butter and parmesean, mmmmmm) If you know anything about chess and violin i will be impressed. We are not snobs, which is good. but then again, my kid sometimes swears to make a point. (We're working on it, but halfheartedly, because, well the apple doesn't fall far from the fucking tree.)Although I am told they are all very bright, they have not mastered the use of the oh so complicated napkin. This is a napkin Junior, say it after me...Nap Kin. Good boy. i am not looking for Super nanny, or anyone who wants this job because they will love my kids as if they are their own. you won't. really. they are infinitely lovable, but trust me, they're mine and you will move on when your journey with us is over, and save for some funny stories and a delightful email every now and again, you won't grieve. Nor will we. (okay, we did all grieve a few of our past sitters, oddly they were all named Sarah or Kate, or Nikki. And Leah. Leah was delightful, even if she did drop my twin babies off our couch during a family gathering. Good times. I don't want someone who has a lot of theories on the right way to raise kids, because in the end, I'm just a woman doing my best. I'm willing to learn from you, or anyone, but not so much about how i should parent my spawn. teach me to knit. introduce me to yoga, the white stripes, russian literature or the best place to get a burger in the village at 2Am, but do not tell me to put star stickers on a good boy chart. stickers irritate me. If you are fundamentally unhappy with your life, you will be more unhappy if you take this job, so do us all a favor and get some treatment or move to the Rockies, but do not apply for employment with us. Also, if you suspect all wealthy women are frivilous, we are not for you. I do not want to hide my occasional bergdorf shopping bag. If you smoke, please quit. don't apply either, but please quit. i have known too many people diagnosed with cancer this year. Even if you are a judgemental nanny 911 wannabe, no one should have to endure some of the things I have wittnessed. You gotta be able to drive with a valid license, but if you've ever hit a human,move to the next post. You won't have to drive in the city, but if we go to our weekend place together, or if you make it to the summer and still work for us, we need you to run into town to get some pink milk, so be able to drive a mini van. Can you swim? Swimming is good. If you do drugs or drink enough so that you are grumpy in the morning and grumpier at night prior to that next cocktail, call AA, and peruse craigslist childcare positions when you have a year sober. I'll probably be looking again, and now is the time for you to focus on yourself anyway. I need a team player. I need someone to back me up when it comes to remembering when the library books are due, and whether i have rsvped to that birthday party yet. Help me dear G-d keep track of our skim milk supply and also, also, also, what should I make for dinner tomorrow night? the hours are 7 in the morning to 8:30 in the morning. We'd be in it together, getting the kids out with clean faces, brushed teeth and some food in their bellies. Doesn't that sound easy? Doesn't that sound doable? Then come on back for a fun filled afternoon 2:15-8:15 of activities and playdates and snacks and dinners and homework and riveting conversations about global warming, hannah montana and guitar hero. When you do get to go home (to that swanky studio and possibly a significant other or buddy) your time off will be respected. If I would like you to give extra hours, i'll ask. if you say yes, you get paid 15/ hour. if you say no, I will not fire you or hate you. Except if it is a school holiday or if i have a sick kid, then i might ask, and unless you have a final exam worth 2/3 of your grade or tix The Lion King, you may need to help out. Okay, if you're still reading this ad, it means: a) i am a halfway decent writer and maybe i really will get that book deal i'm yearning for b) you need a job desparately c) you think this just might be destiny, and that you could be one of the few, the proud, the potential babysitter of our dreams. D) you want all the information about job requirements, so that you can write me emails about how I should stay home with my kids otherwise they are going to grow up to be sociopaths. (If my pen pal is out there, wassup? Found love yet? No? How 'bout that.) best of luck to all of you in your search for a job. Seriously. Job searching sucks. No two ways about it. RLS <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-19T21:03:57-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/804253499.html Live in Nanny Needed for 4 kids (Pls don't call them "Precious Ones") text You bit my leg while I was passed out and I never got to ask your name - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/755426362.html OK, so I was kind of asking for it. I got all tarted up for the wedding and was dancing with all the guys to Journey and Ton Loc and Timbaland. I'm-about-to-strip-and-i'm-well-equipped etc. God I love weddings. I probably had a few too many and when that overzealous strapping groomsman who just graduated college decided we were going to twirl only he lifted the wrong arm and clotheslined me in the face and I staggered backward and rolled my ankle. Wearing four inch strappy stilettos which made me about 6'2. And that much farther to fall. Were you watching me then? Yeah I was a trooper. Ankle was crying out in pain but all I cared about was my next vodka tonic and whether I had enough time to get it before Sex Bomb started playing. I can tell by your behavior last night you like Tom Jones and Mousse T just as much as I do. At some point later in the night here I am walking into the local taco joint wearing no shoes. Politely took them off and left them at the door. It was raining outside and thankfully the types of dresses I wear to weddings can endure some serious abuse. I hopped up on the counter, flashed my most engaging smile and demanded two beef softshell badboys and some ice for my swelling ankle. Was it there that I caught your eye, confident and defiant as I sucked the cheese out of my jalepeno poppers as the nice guys working there prepared an ice pack and listened to my story about how I had hurt my ankle coming to the aid of an elderly woman when some hooligan tried to steal her purse? I'll have you know he went down like a ton of bricks when I pistol whipped him, but while kicking him in the head for good measure I seem to have hurt my ankle. Tough world out there. No country for old men, or good samaritans in slinky black dresses and high heels. I'll bet you were impressed when they gave me my tacos for free. Maybe it was in the parking lot that you decided to come home with me. I couldn't really tell. When I woke up the next morning there was a trail of my clothes and shoes and other various personal belongings. Apparently I had tipped the bar staff handsomely, and for that they had rewarded me with a to-go cup. The bed showed signs of struggle. Reaching for my glass to see if it's empty and surprised at the searing pain radiating not from my ankle, nor my rump, nor my head, nor any orifice, but the back of my knee? Imagine my horror when I flung back the colors and saw the damage that you had inflicted in my unconscious state. You sank your fangs into that cute little dimple behind my knee (now there's a fetish I haven't heard of), leaving a deep round wound and enough venom to swell my leg up to twice its unbitten size. Between the numbness and the stiffness I had to stagger around my house like a deranged pirate with a pegleg trying to figure out whether you were still there or had fled stealthily into the night. But you were long gone. So please, at least tell me your name or what you look like, and possibly confirm your genus? I've heard that some of you are so nasty your conquests require medical attention or risk serious infection. At the very least I'm gonna need to give a description to the doctor tomorrow morning, and the story I've just told is not going to cut it. PS. Just so you know, you are not the first to leave me with bite marks in odd places in the morning. Just the first who was rude enough not to give me a chance to reciprocate. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-14T23:38:36-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/755426362.html You bit my leg while I was passed out and I never got to ask your name - w4m text ALL UTIL. INCLUDED!!! THIS IS THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/750541218.html GORGEOUS 10 x 14 BEDROOM, DRENCHED WITH LOTS OF AFTERNOON SUNLIGHT, GENEROUS CLOSET SPACE, CLEAN BATHROOM, NICE COMMON SPACE AND STORAGE. W/D IN BASEMENT (COIN-OP ALTHOUGH LANDLORD IS IN PROCESS OF MAKING IT FREE!) AND ELEC/COOKING GAS/HI-SPEED INTERNET/TRASH PICK-UP INCLUDED IN RENT. STREET PARKING. CLOSE TO HOSPITALS AND SOME SHOPPING. LIVE WITH TWO QUIET ROOMMATES BOTH STUDENTS (ONE INTERNATIONAL) NO DRINKING/DRUGS, CALM LIVING ENVIRONMENT FOR RIGHT INDIVIDUAL WITH REGULAR HOURS. THERE IS ONE SMALL CATCH THAT HAS NOT BEEN A PROBLEM AT ALL WITH PREVIOUS TENANTS. BEDROOM MUST BE SHARED WITH APPROX. 700 LB. ADULT MALE SILVERBACK GORILLA. THIS IS AN EASTERN LOWLAND GORILLA WHO IS FAIRLY DOCILE ALTHOUGH HE DOES NEED TO "STRETCH HIS LEGS" FROM TIME TO TIME. HE FEEDS ON FRUITS AND LEAVES AND HAS SOMEWHAT OF AN INTENSE SEXUAL APPETITE. BIG KITCHEN WITH BREAKFAST AREA. BEDROOM WINDOWS FACE REAR COURTYARD NO TRAFFIC NOISE! SOMEWHAT LOW CEILINGS BUT GUT RENOVATED WITH HARDWOOD FLOORS AND ORIGINAL MOLDINGS. NOT RAILROAD! SEPARATE ROOMS WITH TWO ENTRANCES. SECOND FLOOR WALK-UP. YEAR LEASE REQUIRED. FIRST AND LAST PLUS SECURITY. TOTAL OF $1155 MOVE-IN COST. THIS WILL NOT LAST. NO BROKERS PLEASE. <ul> <li> Location: BUSHWICK <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-11T02:53:53-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/750541218.html ALL UTIL. INCLUDED!!! THIS IS THE ONE YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!! text MISS ME! Goddamnit!! - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/746487587.html Every week I check this damn thing to see if anyone in this city of millions has missed me. What gives? I ride the train no less than twice a day, five or more days a week. I'm pressed against some of you in the commute to/from work. Haven't any of you women missed me? I go to the park. I shop at places. I walk around. I wear shoes. I have ear phones. I drink stuff. Where's my missed connection? Start missing me already, goddamnit. I am very easy to miss. Monday: Go to work after the weekend. Try not to sweat in the sweltering humidity of the subway. No one misses a sweater. Listen to music to drown out the reality of being stuck in the train with a million strangers; avoid eye contact at all cost. Bullshit about the weekend with the coworkers until quitting time. Get caught up on CL. Tuesday: Go to work. Eat at one of same four places around work. Walk around a little during lunch, hoping to bump into someone new. Go home and contact friends to make plans for the weekend. Check CL. Wednesday: Go to work. Getting adventurous now and spend most of lunch break wandering around trying to find someplace new to eat. Realize nothing of interest has been built since I checked last week. End up eating at one of four usual places. Try taking a different route home. This time try to make eye contact with as many strangers as I can on train/bus/ferry/foot. Thursday: Go to work. Spend most of lunch hour running errands, returning library material, getting money from the bank, and calling up friends to reconfirm plans. Go shopping after work. Walk up and down each aisle to make doubly sure everyone has had a chance to miss me. Get home and get frustrated that still no one has posted with my description. Friday: Go to work. Spend all day waiting for work to end. Take smoking break. Look around for smokers to miss. Get out of work. Forget all about CL. Find friends and go eating/drinking/event attending. See more strangers in one night than rest of week combined. Stumble home at ungodly hour. Saturday: Wake up at some point. Roll over to the park. Maybe check out a museum. Try to look deep and lost in thought. Feel envious of all the people missing connections right before my eyes. Think about posting when I get home. Get home and forget or become crushed by laziness or the ennui of it all. Look up ennui in dictionary. Sunday: Fuck it. I'm sleeping in. I'm doing laundry. I'm ordering take-out. I'm not leaving the damn house. You've had your chances all week. I'm taking a me day. I'm reading a book. And by reading, I mean surfing the internet; whereas by book, I mean porn. Knock myself out with the usual roofie-colada, wine + sleeping pill, so I can wake up in the morning and pack myself into an overcrowded train to get to work and check CL. Fucking miss me already. I can't do this forever. <ul> <li> Location: the train <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-08T00:00:19-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/746487587.html MISS ME! Goddamnit!! - m4w text Free Broken Time Machine http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/745957971.html Never got around to fixing it, all the buttons are stuck so it doesn't go in reverse only forward at normal speed come pick it up whenever <ul> <li> Location: Norwalk <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-07T16:33:33-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/745957971.html Free Broken Time Machine text An Open Letter to the Brokers of New York City http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/708026481.html Dear Brokers, I am currently working with FIVE of you to find a decent studio in the city. Id like to think that from my several weeks of experience that I have a pretty good idea of how you operate and quite frankly, I AM FED UP! I thought Id compile a list of your flaws (and yes, I will make a generalization) and some very constructive criticism that you should take into account. 1. Stop talking so goddamned fast! Youre not a used car salesman and talking quickly doesnt make me want the apartment more! Oh my GOD, its going, going GONE! Holy shit! We have to LIVE in these apartments, so its not a decision that should be rushed by any means! 2. Stop pressuring me to take an apartment I cant afford! I told you what my MAXIMUM budget is and lets be honest, even THAT is pushing it. Why would you have the audacity to show me an apartment that is $250 more a month when you know I cant afford it? And in addition to that, Stop acting like you dont know how much it costs to live here! New York City is the most expensive city in the world. I probably make more money than you do, so why wouldnt you understand that I have a strict budget to follow? 3. Have more consideration for my time! I have a job I cant just stop by to see you at your office (where you will inevitably do your best to rip me off) and dick around any old time. If you arrange to meet me somewhere at a specific time, youd better be there! 4. 72nd Street and 1st Avenue is NOT baby steps to the subway! Theres nothing wrong with living on 1st Avenue, but it is by no means a hop, skip and a jump to the subway. Stop acting like it is! 5. False advertising is illegal! I responded to an ad for a studio that was $1399 and was Currently going under complete gut renovation! I saw the studio and it was nowhere near in the renovation process. On top of that, the broker told me that the rent would go up to $1550 if the owner did decide to renovate it. (Lets note that he told me this AFTER I told him that $1550 was my maximum monthly rent). 6. Learn to spell, read, write, speak English, etc.! I dont plan on working with someone who doesnt know how to spell or speak 2nd grade-level English. Enough said. On a related note, most of you just aren't that smart! So don't think that you can out-smart me, pull a fast one on me, or change your story several times without me catching on! Ok, I think that Ive let out a little bit of my frustrations of the apartment hunting process. Brokers, its hard enough trying to find a place in this city. It would be nice to meet someone who actually did something to deserve the ASTRONMICAL and OUTRAGEOUS brokers fees that you charge. It would be nice to have someone actually LISTEN to me when I tell them what my needs are. It would be nice to have someone who doesnt talk a mile a minute and act like a complete scumbag. I hope this posting helps you out and opens your eyes a little bit. I look forward to all of your poorly-worded responses!! Sincerely, A Frustrated Apartment Hunter <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Fee Disclosure: Listed By: </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-04T21:35:24-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/708026481.html An Open Letter to the Brokers of New York City text who put the dead bird in my mailbox? - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/649331801.html a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked b) did you kill the bird c) it died horribly, that much was clear d) you're psycho e) do I know you f) if I do know you I don't want to know you g) if I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in New York - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this j) are you the mailman? k) I'm always nice to the mailman l) the super didn't care when I told him what happened m) the neighbors didn't care either n) do you have some kind of problem with birds o) don't put anything else in my mailbox p) unless it's an apology q) no, I take that back, I don't even want an apology r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - where? how? in a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - where is a person supposed to bury things in this city? s) I could drop it in the Gowanus canal, but that seems undignified t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get to the stairwell w) am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian x) if this was Ricky, I'm gonna beat your ass, mama told you stop bothering the zoo y) if this was Gina, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: crown heights <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-20T12:56:46-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/649331801.html who put the dead bird in my mailbox? - w4m text KERMIT SEEKS PIGGY http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/648410240.html For the longest time, I have admired the dynamic between this cross species couple. But then, sometime during the 80s, a commercial for the Muppets: Live on Stage added a new dimension. In it, a stretch limousine was pulling up in front of a theater. A footman opened the door, and a shapely, rather thick leg stepped onto the red carpet. As the rest of the form followed, it was revealed that it belonged to a woman wearing a full bodied Miss Piggy costume under an alluring evening dress. AND I WANTED HER. And, to be quite honest, I've never stopped. Some time ago, I found an original full head rubber Miss Piggy mask, circa 1977, complete with a full head of long blond hair. I am looking for a tall, sexy BBW, preferably over 300 pounds, to wear this mask to bed. She should also be open to playing with plastic wrap and liquid latex. Blonde is best, I suppose, but not necessary. Who knows for the right woman I might just get a green rubber suit and a Kermit mask. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-19T14:10:07-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/648410240.html KERMIT SEEKS PIGGY text Ibanker seeking romance http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/646020922.html Hello, ABOUT YOU: You are a young and good-looking girl. The parental abuse that you incurred as a child has left you emotionally distant and sexually repressed. You are able to sustain months (years?) of loneliness because you shudder at the thought of human interaction. You have a constant feeling of inadequacy leading to excessive hours on the elliptical machine (and, accordingly, a nicely toned bum). I might do stuff to you while you are sleeping at 4AM (when I finally get home from the office), but, other than that, our sex-life will be nonexistent. Naive girls who have been in long-distance relationships and have had their hearts broken by guys who perpetually cheated are more than welcome to email me; I promise that I'm different. ABOUT ME: I am a first year analyst at a bulge-bracket investment bank; this means that I'm either Jewish, Asian, or from old-money (and, therefore, connected up the wazoo). Given that this post is (hopefully) grammatically correct, coherently legible, and satirically palatable, I'd like to think that I got into banking based on merits associated with my intelligence; therefore, I'm probably not from old money and am not connected up the wazoo (sorry). I got into banking as a result of an overwhelming abundance of insecurities. I went to a top-tiered and prestigious undergraduate university, yet, have always felt inferior to the Harvardites and Princetonians that surround me. I'm likely either short and socially outcasted (with excellent kung-fu skills) or schnoz-nosed and unable to date, as every girl I meet in Manhattan is a UES slut that reminds me of my mother. I go to the gym every morning, as my unnecessarily ambitious and secretively compensating type-A personality forces me to always strive for the best. That, and also the endorphins released from the exercise keep me elated enough to prevent attempting suicide for at least 24 hours. I approach dating as I do anything else; as a strict meritocracy where I compete to win. At bars, I won't tell girls that I'm a banker; I feel that it would be unfair to take a girl home by playing the pity card ("Oh, you work in banking? I feel so bad for you. Fine, I guess I'll sleep with you."). I'll likely say that I'm a math teacher at the Dalton School (my Jewish/Asian heritage helps me here) so that girls realize that I'm piss-poor (as are all my other analyst buddies, despite what we tell our family and friends back home) but have Epstein potential. My interests include playing brickbreaker on my blackberry, romantic dinners expensed to my firm, and finding novel ways to entertain myself during late-night hours (posting personal ads on Craigslist at 3AM - FUN; getting head from you while you hide under my desk - PROBABLY FUNNER). If you fit my description (and God help you if you do...) feel free to email me. Pictures of boobs (yours or random ones you find on the internet) would be helpful to include in the email. As I'm posting this with my work email address, I'm hoping to get lucky enough that some back-office rat finds the inappropriate content during a routine inbox sweep, so that I can finally be liberated from this relentless world of superficial elitism. I'm talking about the old-money guys. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-17T15:20:45-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/646020922.html Ibanker seeking romance text Silda Spitzer, I will totally do you. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/603757171.html Dear Silda Spitzer, I'm not sure why Eliot needed to stray; the deeper afflictions that arise during married life are a private affair (pardon) and to speculate or analyze about them is pointless and cruel. I'm sure you and your husband both have difficult characteristics that drive you to distraction or worse. I am here to tell you that none of those things matter to me, because I do not want to marry you, Silda, I want to fuck you. Silda, let's face it, you're hot. Aitch-Ayy-Double-DoubleYew-Tee. Hawwt. I'm no great catch and have a tendency to be a bit of a prick, but hey, when you're standing there next to Eliot, humiliated, thinking "I can do better", are you really thinking about how much better? No. What's important right now is for you to dish it back, to arch your back and take it doggie-style with a thumb up your butt for good measure, to look back over your shoulder and see a different balding, self-righteous, smirking white guy grunting away and slapping your ass. I am taller than Eliot. When we move to the floor and hit the mish, you can reflect on your options: go for the divorce, the family-rending heartache with the big payday? Or stay together, knowing the payout might be just as good if you're good at slinging the guilt. Either way, Eliot's going to be out of a job for a while. Either way, I'm happy to diddle your clit. Personally, my advice is to wait it out. I mean, Hillary has done pretty well, right? You never know how these things will go. I have had my share of ups and downs, too... and I'm not going to claim I'm any kind of a prince (or an ethics crusader). I have beat a man nearly to death, stolen candy from children, and yes, I'll admit it dirty girl, I'm an atheist. MMmmmm. Like that? None of my personal ups and downs matter anyway, Silda, because with me it's your ups-and-downs, on my glistening love sword, that matter. I'll be waiting, Babe. Oh, and one more thing... I'll only tap you for $78.50 an hour. And that's negotiable, if you're up for anal. Call me.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-12T11:11:13-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/603757171.html Silda Spitzer, I will totally do you. - m4w text OK . . . I give up . . . just fuck me like a whore http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/589072628.html OK - I have been trying to meet a "nice" guy for quite a while now, using both traditional methods (set-ups through friends, the bar scene, work, etc.) and non-traditional (i.e., internet dating), and have had abysmal results. By "nice", I don't mean a bible-thumping, republican, up-tight putz who could make a diamond out of a lump of coal planted firmly up his a-hole. I mean a guy who is capable of having a decent conversation that doesn't center around the size of his cock; who is aware of the world around him; who is respectful of people and animals; who doesn't clip his fucking fingernails on the train; who makes me laugh; who parties like a rock star when he has the time; and who can fuck me like a champ after checking his hang-ups at the door. Someone with a brain. A sense of humor. A job. I'm a busy, successful, attractive woman with a professional degree and a great circle of friends. I have a life. What I don't have, however, is a lot of time to wade through a bunch of bullshit. If you just want to get laid, fine; just say that up front so I can move on. Don't make me waste my time exchanging e-mails for days, then stop writing after I don't want to answer the "money" questions after knowing you for 3.5 hours, like 1) what's the craziest sex you've ever had? 2) how often do you masturbate? 3) do you have a nice, clean ass, with clean ass odor? (I couldn't make that up) and 4) do you like oral? (DUH??!!?? WHO DOESN'T??) Apparently, no matter how pretty, sexy, funny, smart, successful, sweet, caring, interesting etc. I am, it all boils down to one thing: fucking. Fine. I give up. You want to fuck? I can fuck. WANTED: a guy to pull out his big, thick cock within five seconds of our first meeting. I want to kneel at your feet and worship you (and your organ) like a greek god. I will take your throbbing love-stick in my mouth and service you like a pro. I will lick the head of your penis, concentrating on the sensitive spot underneath the head, where it meets the shaft. I will then take you fully into my mouth, and move my head all the way down, swallowing the entire length. When you're all the way in and I'm fighting not to gag, I will move all the way back to the tip, then repeat. I will continue, up and down, until I feel that you're about to cum; then I'll stop, lick my way down to your balls, and take take them both in my mouth while stroking your cock with my hand. I will then move around to your back, spread the cheeks of your ass and rim your asshole with my tongue while stroking your cock. I'll shove a finger or two up there, if you like. Once you're good and hard, I'll let you eat my pussy for a while, preferably until I cum two or three times. A little rimming of your own would be nice. Attention can be paid to my breasts (which are D-cups, by the way), or I can pinch my nipples myself. Once my juices are flowing, you can proceed to the fucking. Shove your cock in me, hard, all the way in. The harder the better, and if you're hung like a horse, my prayers have been answered. Keep going. Don't worry about me; I will make myself cum again on my own, either with old-fashioned diddling or my trusty vibrator. My ass needs attention, too, don't forget-I'm a three-input kinda girl! After you've made me cum fucking me the old-fashioned way, slowly (and gently, please!) push your huge dick up my ass. Use lots of astro-glide. I will be a little hesitant at first, but then the yummy pleasure-mixed-with-pain will start to kick in, and I'll get really into it. I'll start shoving my ass back against your cock as hard as I can, until I explode with the hardest orgasm yet. At this point, if you feel like getting your freak on, we can pop in a porno and emulate whatever is happening on the screen. Or, I can pull out my cache of sex toys. You can have me straddle an enormous uber-cock and work as much of it into my vagina as I can take, while you get in on the action by fucking me up the ass. You want a threesome? No problem. I'll invite one of my crazy girlfriends over, and you can watch me eat her out while you masturbate. Or, she can sit on my face while you fuck me. Another option is you banging me from behind while I lick her pussy. The possibilities are endless, really. Once that's over, feel free to pull out and cum on my ass / tits / face / mouth / whatever. See, I do have what you want! Don't tell ME law school was all for naught. . . w4m   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: nyc <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-27T17:34:14-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/589072628.html OK . . . I give up . . . just fuck me like a whore text Fingered on the RED line - Columbia University - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/566032112.html Hi! We were on the RED local line, I got on at 14th Street, you were already on the train. I got off at Columbia University 116th. Around 5PM. It was very crowded and you were behind me. We talked awkardly while you were still behind my back, pushed into each other. I told you I hate being an undergrad, we connected. You eneded up fingering me while no one else was noticing. I didn't get your full e-mail. If you see this, let me know. I hope you do! I miss you.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-07T12:06:33-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/566032112.html Fingered on the RED line - Columbia University - w4m text Dear Star Wars ex-boyfriend, my vag is sore http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/550913075.html Dear Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend, A few things as of late have come to light. The fact that you had an entire room dedicated to Star Wars should have been enough to make any sane girl run in the opposite direction, I somehow found it endearing. The fact that you couldnt string two thoughts together in order to form a cohesive sentence should have made me giggle in your face, instead I patiently waited as you tried to sound like your IQ was above 87. Your crazy mom that decided to pop in and vacuum at one in the morning should have definitely made leave, but I stuck by your side. Your sexual inadequacies should have made me run to seek orgasm from another penis, instead I quietly masturbated in the bathroom after your pathetic attempts at coitus. When you told me that you slept with someone else, I must admit that I was mildly relieved as at last this was my way out. But Star Wars obsessed ex- boyfriend, you just had to go and one-up yourself in stupidity. Just when I thought that your stupidity had reached its crescendo a perfect symphony of ignorance, you surprised me. You said something that will forever go down as the worst phrase to ever utter to a girlfriend. You said: Yeah I slept with someone else, but I had to think about you to get off. Seriously? Really? Am I supposed to be honored by this? Is this supposed to make me coo with girlish glee and then all can be forgiven? Lets pretend for a moment that this statement is true. If you had to think about me when you had your heinous-uncircumcised-lion-seal looking penis in what I can only assume is a skanky disease ridden vagina, why did you simply not fuck me instead? God knows I was willing being that I was constantly unsatisfied and willing to give you another go. Well, Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend, let me tell you this. I won. First off, I am not going to let you ruin Star Wars for me. I will still giggle with delight at Chewbaccas noises. I will still find humor in Jabbas fat face. More importantly, I won because I used my inner rage to go out and fuck the ever living shit out of someone else. Seriously, it was amazing. Porn star status. He came on my face and it tasted like the sweet nectar of the gods. What's more, you ask? The guy is hung like a gorilla, or to put it in terms that youd understand, hes packing a light saber. I was walking funny for 4 days, no joke. And you know what Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend? I fucked this guy on real sheets. Sheets that didnt have R2D2 and C3P0 and Tie fighters. Big boy sheets. When I arched my back and looked up I didnt see any Sith infiltrators on the ceiling. No Death Star. For the first time in a long time I got off without feeling like I should be on To Catch a Predator because you, Star Wars obsessed ex-boyfriend, made me feel dirty for fucking in what looked like a little kids room. Moral of the story? You might want to put down the Obi Wan doll and pick up a book. That way, you might actually learn a few new words that exist outside of that epic film. Or better yet, next time you feel the urge to say something as dumb as what you said to me, pick up a .22 or if it makes you feel better well call it an IG.22 and shoot yourself in the nut sack, that way we wont have to worry about you breeding. Oh yeah, and plans are in the works for dressing up as Slave Leia next time. Best of luck to you in not winding up winning a Darwin award.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: not Alderaan <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-25T03:56:27-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/550913075.html Dear Star Wars ex-boyfriend, my vag is sore text Replying to w4m casual encounters ads? A little feedback .. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/535349954.html Sunday I placed an ad around 11pm (I included the photo below, you may recognize it). Yesterday around 6pm my ad got flagged. I don't know why, but it's fine. In between I got about 280 replies and I thought it might be wise to give you some feedback. Most of you guys are afraid of picture collectors and spam. And I can understand that's a serious concern. However, if you think an ad is spam or by someone collecting pictures, don't write an e-mail saying "you real???". What do you expect me to do, write back "am real". Sorry, won't do that because before I know it I'll be getting 10 e-mails a day from 280 different guys. So if you don't get a reply, that does not mean that I'm not real, it simply means that I don't have time to e-mail you back. If you are too concerned about spam and picture collectors, there is one very simple sollution: DON'T RESPOND TO ANY AD. Some other things that irritated me: - replies that say "you send picture first", "show me" or "i sent pic if you sent pic" (never mind the grammar). First of all, I DID include a picture in my ad, so now it's your turn. Second, even if I didn't include a picture, you may want to include a picture in your first e-mail because this is CL and I am a woman and you are a man, which implies that I get 280 replies. - replies that only send cock pictures. Guys, I'm a sucker for a nice, big cock (literally and methaphorically), but I'd like to see your face too. So please send either only a face picture or a face and a dick picture. - please mention your age in your reply. I mentioned mine and even though I didn't ask for yours, it should be standard procedure to include your age. - then there are replies that make demands. Simple: don't do that. Unless it is a demand like "will only fuck with condoms". - replies that make weird propositions, like offering me money (thanks, how flattering...) or asking me to marry you. My ad was in "casual encounters" not in "erotic services" or "ltr". - replies showing off how rich you are or how successful you are. I'm not interested in that, I thought this was all about NSA sex, right? - replies in which I am called a "dirty whore" (I didn't want the money, remember?) or a "short cock slut" (thanks again for the compliment, especially if it's coming from someone three inches shorter than me, but probably you were not referring to me being a short slut who sucks cock, but to you wanting your short cock to be sucked by a slut. Two seemingly similar things, but a world of difference. I do like to suck cock, but am neither short nor a whore; your cock however was anything but big). - replies from guys offering me the opposite of what I'm looking for, because "maybe you'd like something else for a change". If I did, I would have posted asking for something else, wouldn't you think so? - replies with a picture of a bunch of guys without letting me know which one is you. - replies with a picture which is old. One guy replied twice with a picture of which he said he is now 20 lbs less heavy. So why not send me an "after" picture? - replies from guys who say their picture is too large for CL. Resize it. If you can't do it, I doubt that you can resize your cock in the right direction. - guys who say CL does not allow any pictures to be send. When was that? In 1994? - one-liners. No matter how cute you are or how big your cock is, I don't like one-liners and I don't think any other girl does. - Forwarded messages. - Messages that have been sent to a dozen ads at the same time. Even though we all know you were not waiting for me specifically and most of you will fuck anything with a pussy out there, it's still impolite to send your message to many ads at the same time. - Guys who don't reply when I send a message back. - Guys who are overly suspicious when I write back and say that "you can't be real". Why not? And why did you reply in the first place? - Guys that reply a day after I replied. If you want to have a fuck on CL, you'd better check your e-mail. - Guys that can't meet when you like to even though you specified a meeting time in your ad. There are 279 guys I can choose from. - Guys that have "loser" written all-over them. - Guys that made the same joke as a dozens other guys. - Guys that are not in New York. - Guys who ask me for my race preference. I could write back that human races strictly speaking don't exist and that there is only the human race, but that would be pushing it a bit too far in this superconservative country wouldn't it? Of course, a number of replies sparked my interest, and I have either already replied to you or have kept your e-mail for a possible future encounter. THERE IS NO NEED TO REPLY TO THIS AD AGAIN. If you want to show your appreciation for all the suggestions, you can always nominate me for best of. And then there were some replies that I really enjoyed: - a reply from a virgin. Sweet. If you would have had "the looks" I would have picked you and I could have showed you a thing or two. - replies from guys showing their big dicks with a girl sucking on it. Some girls may find that offensive, but I enjoyed it. I've always thought bj pix are cool. If any of you would like to share those type of pix with me, go ahead! But don't be small please and don't send me any internet porn. I've got internet too you know. But if you want to show off the skills of your ex gf, be my guest. - replies from couples. Nice idea, but not what I was looking for yesterday, maybe another time. - guys who wanted to cook for me (I mentioned in my ad that I still needed dinner). Sweet. - guys who were witty and made jokes that were not made by any of the other guys. But please don't try this strategy if this is not your thing. - guys who give compliments that are more original than "sexy pic baby" or "yo you nice holla back at me". You made it to the end: congradulations! Now please improve your replying behavior. PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME ANY MORE REPLIES. I ALREADY HAVE 280 GUYS TO CHOOSE FROM. ESPECIALLY DON'T REPLY TO ME IF YOU ALREADY DID SO YESTERDAY. Thanks!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-11T01:09:29-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/535349954.html Replying to w4m casual encounters ads? A little feedback .. text No, really - someone come get this horrible Chili Beer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/519536655.html I bought this awful shit for my girlfriend a few weeks ago and it was simply too much for her. Even my brother, who likes to think he's the world's biggest badass when it comes to spicy food and drink, couldn't handle it. I won't drink it because not only do I not care for excessively hot food or drink, but the beer itself also isn't very good - imagine a bottle of piss-water Corona injected with a fiery squirt of Satanic jizz instead of lime and you've got Cave Creek Chili Beer. Think you're the king shit of Scoville units? Come on down and get this swill out of my fridge. I think I have three or four left (pic below isn't mine). My $8 waste is your smoking-hot gain. 21+ only please, not that it matters since most girly Smirnoff Ice-drinking teenagers would cry after one sip of this. Last time I posted this, I got lots of replies but nobody ever showed up. Not screwing around here - please come take it. I'd pour it down the drain but it'll probably chew holes in the pipes and I can't afford that.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Western Suffolk <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-26T09:41:35-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/519536655.html No, really - someone come get this horrible Chili Beer text fancy being lavished during the holidays? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/513328535.html the holidays suck. i never thought that i'd ever say that but this is the first time in my life as an adult that i don't have a girlfriend to share in the experience with and it sucks. bad. 3 weeks ago i came home from a night out for steaks and cigars with some of the guys from my office to find that she had cleaned out her drawer in my custom made oak dresser and left a note on my viking stove that simply said "i'm done." i've been texting her like 10 times a day but i haven't heard from her since. what sucks even more about it is that i just got word from my boss at GS this morning about how much my bonus is going to be this year. wanna guess? 772k. and you'd think i'd be happy, right? WRONG! i mean with so many people out there whose lives are so less meaningful because they only make 60 or 70k a year, how could i not be happy? well, think about that for a minute. what use is three quarters of a million dollars per year in income if you've got nobody to share it with, nobody to lavish with flowers and designer bags and shoes and dinners at places like per se, nobu and babbo? what good is the new condo on the west side when i've got nobody to sit out on the balcony to look out over the river and drink egg nog with during the holidays. most importantly, what use is a 15 foot fraser fir christmas tree if i've got nobody to put presents underneath it for? so what am i looking for, you ask? someone to share all of this with at christmas, that's what. i'm out of the office all of next week and i'm going to go crazy all by myself in my huge, shiny new condo. all i ask is that you're reasonably cute and willing to reciprocate my kindness and generosity by keeping me warm on these cold winter nights. i don't even care if you're jewish or some other religion that doesn't celebrate christmas because my parents will be in france and will never find out. together we'll go out for amazing dinners, we'll go shopping together, we'll drink great wines and at the end of the day we'll get each other off fabulously. finally, you need not worry about not being attracted to me. i'm 28 years old and i've still got the same looks/physique that i had when i wrestled in college and have had a certain part of my anatomy compared to a baby's arm. i am also quite charming. so what are you waiting for?  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Manhattan <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-18T15:09:50-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/513328535.html fancy being lavished during the holidays? text To the person who broke into my car last night http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/496064331.html You broke into my gray Hyundai Elantra parked on the corner of Wythe and 4th St. As I was parking it, I noticed broken glass on the sidewalk and thought "the lightning never strikes the same spot twice." Well, I was wrong. I wanted to express how much I appreciate your effort to minimize my inconvenience. I understand that you probably come from a disadvantaged background, you may have an addiction or two, or maybe your mother is sick in the hospital. I quite understand your need to break into my car. You only broke the rear passenger small window, so even in the cold weather there are no drifts reaching the front seats. I know it was hard to open the car through that small window, so I appreciate the effort. You took my GPS system. I actually didn't like it because it doesn't allow me to update the maps and they are quite outdated by now. Thank you for giving me a reason to get a much better one. You tool my work blackberry. They are actually upgrading us to the new Pearl model. I was due to get one in February. But thanks to you, I will get a new one on Monday. Thank you! I do miss those $5 in spare change, but it's a small price to pay. Hope it goes a long way towards buying your next fix. And thank you for not taking my garage key, EZ pass car, or NY map. I wouldn't be able to get home without them. I wish all car burglars were as decent as you are. You should start a car burglary etiquette classes. Your biggest fan!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Williamsburg <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-02T04:34:28-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/496064331.html To the person who broke into my car last night text Wanted: Heart Surgeon for 1/2 Day Gig - No Pay http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/489856720.html Hi, I need a triple bypass surgery and want to have it done ASAP. We don't have any funds at the moment, but I'll have a friend videotape the whole procedure, and you can have a copy of the DV tape. We're also planning to pitch the idea to some honchos at HBO, so you'll be in on the Ground Floor! It shouldn't take more than 6-7 hours. No amateurs - Experienced Heart Surgeons ONLY!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-26T11:55:32-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/489856720.html Wanted: Heart Surgeon for 1/2 Day Gig - No Pay text Help me keep the shell people alive. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/485967082.html There is a sad truth to the world today. I am part of a dying breed of people known as "shell users." We are an old-fashioned bunch, preferring the warm glow of a green screen full of text over the cold blockiness of a graphical interface. We use ssh, scp, and even occassionally ftp. Back in the days before high-speed connections ("broadband"), we would dial up during off-hours to avoid being slammed with huge phone bills. The whole "Microsoft Windows" fad will fade away sooner or later, but in the interim, our kind is facing extinction. Because there are fewer and fewer of us, I must help keep our lineage alive. I am looking for someone to help me do this. I need a woman (obviously) who is willing to raise a child with me in the method of Unix. Our child will be introduced to computers at a young age, and will be setting emacs mode before any other child can even read. I earn a sufficient income to support a family in modest comfort. Other than the fact our child will be bright, text-based and sarcastic, we will otherwise be a normal family. We will even go to Disney World and see Mickey Mouse. So, if you are a woman between the ages of 23 and 43 who is ready to raise a child in the way of the shell, let me know so we can begin the process. (If you are ready to raise more than one child, even better.) PS - yes, this is for real. Given the right person, I would obviously propose before we ... call fork(). PPS - I only set emacs mode for my ksh session. I only edit files using vi. Just wanted to clear that up. And I'm looking to raise the child(ren) as a dedicated couple, so if you aren't interested in being married, you may wish to select() a different posting. N.B. - on the issue of relocation. I live in a place where my income/expense ratio is proper (i.e., greater than 2:1). I'm willing to live anywhere in the world where this remains true. I've been to much of the country as well as foreign nations. There are no limits to where I will live *so long as the job market for unix admins is robust enough to be sustainable.* And yes, I am interested in a strictly monogamous situation. I've been known to actually turn down offers of "two chicks at the same time."  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Typical Rich Town, CT <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-21T18:46:15-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/485967082.html Help me keep the shell people alive. text Why Must You Bother the Nice Women? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/476195476.html Dear Moron at Duane Reade, Earlier this evening, I spotted a roach in my apartment. The brazen bastard walked around like he owned the place, ignoring me even as I picked up my shoe and prepared to crush him. Well, he's gone, but of course roaches have friends, so it was on. My wife hates bugs, and her problems become my problems. She's out of town, allowing me to take swift action without her needing to know about the roach I hunted and killed. I headed out to Duane Reade to purchase roach poison, the kind the bastards carry back to their nests, thereby serving as my tools of destruction. Poison in hand, I saw with disappointment a long line facing the register, at which a manager was helping a cashier with some sort of problem. Good news for the roaches, whose death was briefly delayed. Moments later, you too discovered the long line. Unlike the rest of us, who suffered our disappointment silently, you loudly asked (of whom I cannot say) for permission to cut the line. It turns out this isn't Mayberry, and a woman near the front of the line replied. "No," she said. You then tried to hit on her in a ham-fisted fashion, asking if that was her "real hair." Eventually you moseyed to the back of the line, which had lengthened during your pathetic attempt at courtship. (By the way, your focus on hair was especially amusing considering your long blond hair, two-day beard, and blazer. You were sporting the "Kid Rock at the country club" look.) Then our troubles began. You commenced a barrage of annoying comments directed at the "No" woman, suggesting at one point that you would gladly be "a piece of trash crushed by [her] boot." This is America, and you're entitled to your fantasies, even of a "crushing" nature. But keep it together, son! You were in public, speaking loudly to a stranger seven-or-so people ahead of you in a Duane Reade line. Muttering to yourself "This isn't working; she doesn't like me at all," while perhaps meant to be endearing in a cute, self-deprecating way, did not make up for the awkwardness you created. People in line winced as you continued to embarrass yourself. Eventually, the manager solved the cashier's problem and opened a second register. Things started moving, albeit slowly. Your comments continued unchecked. "Can we get married? I love you." Really, have some self-respect. You went on at such length that I recalled those experiments showing that the larger the crowd, the less likely anyone is to help during a crisis. After all, surely that other guy will confront the loudmouthed Kid Rock clone at Duane Reade---why should I get involved? Was I in a psych experiment? If you turn out to be a graduate student of human behavior, please accept my apologies for this rant. I could stand it no more. The manager's slowness had allowed you to subject the woman to one too many obnoxious utterances, and I turned to you and said, "I know this is New York, and people generally mind their own business, but could you give it a rest?" "No," you said. "Are you gonna punch me and make me stop?" "Probably not," I replied. I think we all would have bet good sums that I wasn't going to punch you. I certainly it wasn't worth a night in jail and risk to my law license just to teach you some manners that Joe C neglected to share with you before shuffling off this mortal coil. What would I tell my cellmates in the Tombs, "I'm here 'cause I punched some pantywaist at Duane Reade?" I don't think so. I would have needed to cook up some more exciting story, which some jailhouse snitch would have repeated in hopes of a reduced sentence. And it would have been just my luck that whatever nonsense I made up ("I killed a clown in Union Square for looking funny at my cilantro.") would have actually happened last weekend, leading to my arraignment and unemployment. Yes, yes, I'd have gotten the indictment dismissed eventually when the real clown killer came to light, but that wouldn't get me my job back, would it? And my picture in the New York Post below the screaming headline "FANCYPANT$ LAWYER BRAINS MIME WITH BRIEFCASE" would have linked me with clown murder indelibly in the public mind, which isn't easy to live with. Regardless, you don't even know I have a law license, and for all you know I like fighting people at Duane Reade. You couldn't be sure, could you? So you quieted down for a while. Then, as the woman headed for the door, her purchases in hand, you muttered all-too-loudly, "She's hot, and I have a right to say so." Finally, something we can agree on. She is hot, or at least cute; I didn't get a good look at the front of her, what with her working so hard to avoid making eye contact with some idiot behind me in line. Your legal reasoning skills, however, leave much to be desired. Before you mail your application for a faculty post in First Amendment law at Columbia, consider this: Her being attractive does not provide you with a license to harass and humiliate her. Every time a woman hesitates before walking outside wearing something flattering, people like you are the cause. I wonder if she considered whether her Duane Reade trip was all that urgent, if maybe she shouldn't walk out after midnight but should wait until tomorrow instead. If she did, you and your ilk were part of her concern. I for one enjoy seeing women walking the streets in attractive garb. My personal taste aside, women---like everyone else---should be free to walk around without being bugged by morons. So pull yourself together. Leave the nice women alone, find your dignity, and stop making problems for the rest of us. Sincerely Yours, A Man More Annoyed with You than with Roaches, Which Is Saying Something  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-12T02:09:47-05:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/476195476.html Why Must You Bother the Nice Women? text We met for a drink and you caught me making out with a man - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/457124956.html I'm sorry. You were taking so long in the bathroom and this guy was looking at me. Next thing I knew we were making out and you came back and stormed out of the bar. I just want you to know that I really liked you and I'm not gay, I just have gay experiences sometimes. You are a beautiful girl and I'm glad that you came on date with me. I would like very much to try again. This time I will give all my love to you.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-23T09:27:15-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/457124956.html We met for a drink and you caught me making out with a man - m4w text To the gentleman who called me a depreciating asset http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/445962092.html Dear Sir, I must confess that I was somewhat taken aback upon reading your email. Indeed, it has taken some time for me to sufficiently recuperate from my surprise. Lest your confidence quickly inflate for little reason (as we know is the predisposition for Wall St. types), allow me to hasten to reassure you that the source of my surprise was neither your candor nor the accuracy of your perception. Indeed, it is your "claimed" success in light of your poor grasp of economics which has me baffled. If the standards required to meet with financial success on Wall St. have sunk so low, perhaps I should indeed "make my own money", except for the fact that the effort/reward ratio is far too high for my liking - especially when so many of your ilk have displayed a far more cogent grasp of market realities than you have. By now you are likely scratching your ever-vanishing hairline in confusion, so allow me to elaborate, dear man. To build some credibility I will tell you a bit more about yourself. Though you did not mention the details of your occupation, it is clear that you are an investment banker and not a trader, as any good trader would understand that human courtships are based upon a semi-efficient open market, and not an investment banking cartel. However, your inability to grasp the realities of the dating market is not surprising, given that you have successfully employed the tools of collusion and market manipulation rather that true acumen in your supposed wealth generation. If your grasp of finance were not a minority partner with your ego, you would realize that the "outflows" associated with my depreciating "assets" are quite certain, and therefore subject to a low discount rate when determining their present value. In addition, though your concept of economics evidentially failed to move past the 1950s, advancement in plastic surgery is not subject to the same limitation. Thus, with some additional capital expenditure, the overall lifetime of "outflows" generated by these assets is greatly increased. Sad that Ashton Kutcher has demonstrated understanding of the female asset class which you, in all of your financial "wisdom", have not. You, on the other hand, are, given the uncertainty of the Wall St. job market, more of an inflation-indexed junk bond with an underwater nested call option. Though you may argue that you are more of an equity investment, my monetary minimums required from you do not change, and if you are unable to pay them, I will liquidate you without the benefit of a chapter 11, just as you would me. Because your outflows are so much more uncertain with respect to mine, I require additional compensation in the form of a underwater nested call option on your future assets. I say underwater because, even taking into account the value of your junk bond coupon payment to me, the value of my "outflow" is in excess of the market price of your equity (which is quite low due to its riskiness associated with your poor grasp of finance and my existing claim upon your junk bond coupon). I must thank you though for raising the question, despite the reputation cost of subjecting your weak logic to such widespread scrutiny. This took either considerable courage or ignorance on your part- and we'll give you the benefit of doubt, just this once. My current boyfriend (a trader who lives in Central Park West, of course) and I thoroughly enjoyed discussing your response and we wish you the best of luck in your unhappy pursuit of that elusive market inefficiency. This message is in response to: I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-11T08:23:04-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/445962092.html To the gentleman who called me a depreciating asset text Diola lle, lovers of Middle Earth - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/396775293.html A mere day ago, I cast out my spell of seduction, searching for men true of heart and lustful in their drives who understood the true meaning of "fantasy" and "roleplay". Alas, the spell was a strong one, for the call was apparently heard 'round the realm; so much that I fear now that my cup (and inbox) runneth over... I have found my love for now--the one who not only cast the most charismatic photo magick and spoke most eloquently and most Elvishly, but who speaks masterfully of Beowulf, from whence I take my namesake. And so I remove myself, overwhelmed as I am, from this modern etherworld... for now. I thank all of you for your kind words and noble efforts... though, to be fair, this maiden could have done without those many messages affixed with renderings of your coarse nether regions. Namaarie, rwalaerea. Lle ume quel. Aa' lasser en lle coia orn n' omenta gurtha. Tenna' telwan, Freawaru  <img src=396775293.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-14T11:46:57-04:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/396775293.html Diola lle, lovers of Middle Earth - w4m text NYC SUBWAY RANT: JESUS CHRIST! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/390658591.html OK, I have been riding the subway every day for a lot of years. When you start riding, it doesn't take a much time to see all sorts of characters. At first, these people sightings might be somewhat shocking or even funny, but you begin to grow used to the pants less, toothless, yelling, drunk, cracked out, stinky, sweaty, and perverted characters that ride the subway. They really don't bother you much; in fact I welcome a little cameo from these guys once in a while. After all, it is part of our city culture. That said I have compiled a list a spilling of my mental Rolodex of the people I share the subway with on a daily basis. These are the monsters I can't get used to and won't accept. They annoy the ever-loving piss out of me. Thing is, I never see these hooligans all at once, but I do see one at least once a day. - Lady that fans herself with a piece of paper in the train car with broken a/c: Look lady, the air is hot. Not just your air but everyone's air. We are all breathing in each other's nasty hot breath and germs and here you go creating a gust of hot wind. This does not cool you down and it is especially fucking annoying when the car happens to be stuck that day, all is silent and we are forced to listen to the flip flopping of your paper up and down as you breath in and out deeply. So fucking ridiculous. - Chinese guy with yellow nails and a bag of chicken feet: Dude, I'm not even kidding, you are nasty as hell. No one likes a set of long man-nails near them EVER and here you are wrapping those daggers around the center subway pole nearly slicing innocent bystanders as the plastic bag of chicken feet sways near your legs. Oh yes, and what are you going to do with those chicken feet anyway? Take advantage of us poor unknowing customers by grinding them up to use as filler in the next batch of HAPPY FAMILY from the local Jade Garden? I mean Jesus. - Asshole with the sunglasses on: OK, there is no sunshine on the subway. This is not the L train pal. You sit there with your black as night shades on clearly staring at people for as long as you please. That's just wrong. Your probably staring at the lady's tits who is standing above you or even undressing some poor middle schooler with your eyes. Not only are you taking ample amounts of time to fanaticize about unsuspecting riders, but you look like an idiot doing it. This is especially worse when you also chew gum with an open mouth like a friggin' cow. You are drawing attention to yourself now