Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-08-26T21:04:18-07:00 2 daily Are you thinking about having kids? Teenager Kit!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1344489044.html Are you thinking about having kids? Don’t want to go through nine months of agony just to have to go through it all over again if you want more than one kid. Well my friends, not only can I save you eighteen months of waiting, I can save years of diapers and unwanted stretch marks. For a limited time only, you can rent my teenagers buy one get one free for only $19.95. Tired of your remote always being where you left it? Too much money in your wallet? Something not being broken and put back as if nothing even happened? Be the envy of all your friends with the only couch in the neighborhood to smell like Chinese food and dirty socks. Get rid of that needy feeling you had when your dog got hit by a car and had to be put down. With my “Teenager’s Kit” every day can be like a mystery. Will they come out of their room? Can the girl get off the phone in less than five hours? Will we go over our nine-hundred minutes on our cell phone plan? Kids are old enough to work, but alas have no time. You must be able to pay for them to do whatever they want and their friends want or you are a bad parent. Female teen is late four to five days out of the week and her school is halfway across town depending on where you live. This is largely due to hair and make-up not going on right and gets angry if you don’t stop at Starbucks and drive fast enough. Games that are also fun, “I need a ride and by the way can we pick up my friend’s too?” Followed by the classic and also my favorite, “My friends have no ride home because…” You can play these games with the female teen all month long.*Caution: Female “Incredible Hulk Game” is good only seven days out of the month. Watch as her eyes become greener and her clothing becomes tighter. *WARNING* do not, I repeat do not comment on the tight clothing; the female teen will become angry. And you won’t like her when she’s angry!!! Male teen can entertain for hours with games when you clean his room or look for missing dishes. I like to name these games; “Find that dish,” “There’s a fungus amongus,” and even get the friends and family over to play “What’s that smell?” You may even have to guess if the boy is even home which is why I love the game, “Will the boy wake up before five pm after playing W.O.W. on the computer all night?” Another game to enjoy is deep thoughts by male teen including, “I should not have to do this because…” and best of all “I don’t have time to do this or I didn’t have time to do that because…”. Do not anger the male teen by disagreeing, you may hear words that your mother would wash your mouth out with soap for. Let’s not forget the mystical food fairy that comes during the night and leaves dishes and food all over the counters. If you have a pet, such as a dog or cat, don’t worry they will help you clean such items by eating them and leaving wrappers on the floor. So, if this is for you pull out the keys to the Mini-Van and empty the 401-K. (No-refunds, perverts, void where prohibited.) Thanks, [Deleted] A.K.A. Mom Slave Please respond to tearingmyhairout@[deleted] <ul> <li> Location: Clark County <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T21:04:18-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1344489044.html Are you thinking about having kids? Teenager Kit!!! text gross spinach wraps: not an erotic flavor! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1330786880.html spinach wraps by "la rosa" i bought them from new seasons. probably had 2 of them and nearly gagged each time i tried to eat them. i was sorely disappointed by the taste of crotch (and not in a good way). they are vegan and still pretty fresh. i don't like wasting food, and maybe you are out of dog food or need in-sole cushions for your shoes. email if interested, otherwise im putting them in a freebox! <ul> <li> Location: east p.town <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-19T01:01:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1330786880.html gross spinach wraps: not an erotic flavor! text RE:Husbands Ass Fetish; wtf! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1328888809.html "Seriously. He wants to put it there and I won't let him. It is annoying and obnoxious and does not feel good. I am sick and tired of hearing about it. Is he a closet fag or what. What makes a man suddenly go on this kick. We have been married for years and now this comes out. I want to throw the ring at him and tell him to go find some dude to get off with. Butts are for gay guys and men with freakinshly small dicks. How do I get him to lay off the ass thing? FYI: I am not boring in bed, and am a 5'11" 150lb blond with a nice rack and usually don't have to pay for a thing when I go out on the town with the girls. You get my drift." You're either a troll or you have several issues. Or both, I guess. You sound like an ex highschool jock in denial of his homosexual desires to me, but on the odd chance that you are, in fact, female, I'll offer this.. Anal sex has been practiced and enjoyed by people of all sexualities, genders, and penis sizes (including no penis, on the part of females who like to perform anal sex on men or other females) for thousands of years, and it's unlikely that will change just because some sexually repressed or prudish or unimaginative or overly sensitive people don't care for it. It says nothing whatsoever about a man's sexual orientation that he wants to give a woman anal sex, or that he wants to receive it from her. And it says nothing about the size of a man's cock, though it might very well say something about the size of the woman's cunt, since the anus can expand to fit almost anything, just like a pussy, as you could see by watching any number of ass fisting videos or, if you're so inclined, the ones of people getting fucked in the ass by horses with cocks as thick as your neck. But unlike a pussy, the anus will always tighten back up afterward, except in very rare medical cases, and remain a tight fit without special exercises, so before you get too focused on size, maybe you should look at yourself and see if there's an obvious non-fetish reason he might be after your ass, such as you being so loose he can't feel anything, or could bury his dick in there with his hand still wrapped around it and jerk off inside you. [edit]When I went to post this, the server was down for maintenance and I see that you've since responded that you've tried Kegel's, so maybe that's not an issue, but it was an obvious thing to guess, so you should have mentioned it in your original post. Or, maybe he just wants something different, or maybe he's not thought much about it before and just found some good anal porn and is excited to try something new. And maybe he is bored in bed, since, despite your claim of not being boring, people have their own opinions on such things and even wild bisexual nymphomaniac gangbangers can be boring. I remember a porno with a girl getting fucked silly by two guys at once, and either in the video itself or in the bonus content, one of the guys turns to the camera and says "DP's (double penetrations) are boring.", and I thought.. damn, dude.. life is rough, huh... but I was at an orgy during a party one night at a student co-op in Eugene and got involved in a DP and at one point, sure enough, it was kind of boring, because the other dude and I kept throwing off each other's rhythm and had to stop right in the middle of everything and do some logistics calculations and finally decided one of us was going in her mouth and she'd get a toy stuck up whatever hole remained. So, anyway, maybe you should ask him if he's bored in bed with you and why. Maybe you should ask him a lot of things you aren't asking him, and tell him a lot of things you aren't telling him. Maybe, like a lot of people, he just has a desire to do something "naughty". Everybody's different, so you can't say "it does not feel good", because millions of people think it does, but you can say it doesn't feel good to you, and if that's really the case, you probably either have a medical, anatomical, or psychological problem or else he's doing it wrong, or if he hasn't done it yet, then whoever did it to you before was doing it wrong. But, you know, I used to like carrots and hate baked beans, and now it's exactly the opposite. Things change, and if you're too rigid and judgmental, you may end up missing out on enjoying things because of it. My current girlfriend refused to even consider anal sex at first, because she'd had a bad experience in her past with some inconsiderate and inept dumbass that didn't go slow enough or didn't use enough lube or whatever, so I never pressured her or even really talked about it, despite the fact that I rather like it. I did, however, make it a point to give her asshole a little kiss or lick while I was down there for other reasons, which I could tell she quite enjoyed, so that eventually progressed into lengthy sessions of me thoroughly devouring her ass and doing my best to get my entire tongue up in there, with her wriggling in ecstasy and climaxing from that alone, which is great foreplay for making her cum 5 or 10 more times by fucking her brains out. I never so much as stuck a finger up her ass, but a few months ago she said she wanted to try anal sex with me, so we went and got some toys to help her work up to it and took it slow and finally got her to relax enough that I got the head of my cock in her without it hurting and we both had huge orgasms while she furiously rubbed her pussy. Since then she's pretty much begged me to do it often and more thoroughly, and each time we get a little closer to full on butt fucking, but she still has trouble relaxing and she has some flexibility issues due to knee problems, so it's a little difficult to get and keep good positioning, which can lead to her tensing up and cutting off my circulation so much that I go limp and have to pull out, which is then sometimes painful and attempting to put it back in can be as well, so we usually just give up and move on to something else. I'm thinking about getting her one of those "pleasure swings" so we can get her just where and how she needs to be to make it feel the best for both of us. If you're not willing to make him happy by giving something as popular and normal and fairly mundane as anal sex a chance though, maybe you should just throw the ring at him so he can sell it and spend the money on a girl that cares about his pleasure as much as or more than she cares about her own. After all, most people wouldn't even consider a person's interest in anal sex to be a fetish, unless they're totally obsessed with it and can't climax without it, so what are you going to do if he expresses an interest in an actual fetish or kinky act, like wanting you to give him footjobs or wanting to watch you pee or have you pee on him or vice versa, or heaven forbid, have you give him a rimjob while you jack him off into a martini glass and then pour it over your face while humming "Singin' in the rain"? I'm not saying grin and bear it if it hurts too bad, or kidnap elementary school kids or dogs to bring home for him or force yourself to eat shit or vote republican or anything just to make him happy, but you do need to get over the "gay" misconception and the attitude and be a little more receptive. I'm sure there are even how-to videos you can get to help, and maybe you'll find you actually like it as long as you get a candle-lit oil rub to soft music first, or maybe that you need to be tied down and slapped around and even more painfully forced to enjoy it. People are weird and unpredictable. Speaking of, Star Trek is on.. Gotta go. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-17T22:17:09-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1328888809.html RE:Husbands Ass Fetish; wtf! text Wow, all these women responding to my ad! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1320594183.html Wow, I placed my first personals ad on CL yesterday and MAN the response is fabulous! And heck, I figured I would NEVER get any replies, being middle-aged and looking basically for NSA sex. But I'm fussy, and most of the respondents...well, they don't measure up. To Cassie, it was really charming the way you said, "I very much enjoy" and then you pasted my own text from my ad back to me, even though the grammar didn't fit "I enjoy". Sorry you didn't understand my ad, I did say "one time meeting only, no chit-chat", so I politely decline your request to go to your web page to text with you. Yes, I know, free is good, by the way, it's not spelled "completly". To Camelia, that was just plain weird, you said not to respond to any ad that directs me to a dating site, then you said to find you on a dating site. If you can't figure out that logic, I don't think you're NSA material...you'd get the wrong idea. Melissa, thanks for the note, but just like I said to Cassie, I don't want chit-chat. I also note that you said you're new to Portland, in exactly the same words Cassie said and you both are "alex21" on the respective dating sites you refer to. Do you know each other? Annie, funny how you wrote just like Camelia, to not go to other dating sites, but then to go to yours. Also, it's not "completly". Kourtney, it's just plain weird that you wrote exactly what Camelia said, "maybe you would like to speak with a young girl so that we will know more about each other because i'm new in portland and looking for a relationship/roommate" and the thing about chit-chat. As I said in my ad, no chit-chat and no, I don't want a "young girl", that would be just icky. Do you and Camelia know each other? Sherrie, you just didn't even READ my ad, did you? If you had, you would not have said you were new to Portland and interested in hanging out and developing an LTR. Oh and what is it with having to sign up somewhere to "chit chat" with you? When in the heck did the phrase "chit chat" come back? Katie, congrats, you're the first one who seemed to identify what I wanted "not looking for anything serious, just a fun buddy if you catch my drift ;)", however you also identify yourself as half my age (what I specifically said I did NOT want) and the link you gave me to your "pic"...well, it's a pic of a pretty, young girl, but it also says on the side that it's the photo being used by a spammer on CL...and the text on the page is EXACTLY what you wrote to me so I think you're not "real". Jenny, again you're saying you "want to hang out" which is not what I want, and amazingly, while you suggested a different dating site than Sherrie did, you BOTH chose the user name "lovinlife444". Weird how women just randomly all pick the same user ID on different sites, isn't it! Are you twins separated at birth? Uh, Evileena, you signed your email Stacy...and you also sent me to a spam site. If you can't remember where you put your own pics, I admit I won't be able to be interested in a hookup. Sherry (different spelling than Sherrie), what is going on? Your email addy says Sherry, your first line says "hi I'm Sarah" and you sign your email Elizabeth. If you can't remember your name, I doubt you'd remember the date, time and location of our tryst. Sorry, I'm just not going to explain it further. Kaitlyn, ah...I knew a woman by that name, and she was married, but if she weren't - what a body! 20 pounds underweight but busty as all hell with big nips that could not hide under thick brassieres and layers of sweatshirt and sweater. But you didn't even offer to meet, you just directed me to a "free dating site". I'm sorry, but I'm already on one, called Craigslist. Marcell, you've got Sherry's problem! Your email says you're Marcell, you said you're Britney, then signed Erica. And what is this with so many women being 23 years old and just moved to Portland? Can't a 23 year old just go to any bar and get a date? Nanci, something electronic screwed up. Your email text was EXACTLY the same as Marcell's and they were sent with the same timestamp. Right down to directing me to the same singles site, and the fact that you signed yourself Erica but called yourself Britney. Try sending again, since your message clearly got garbled. Or was it Marcell's that was garbled? Marcell, if you're still reading, try again. Kaitlin, that was just weird...you sent me a nice email that said you'd like to get together on my terms. I replied and said when are you available and the MOMENT I sent my reply, there was another from you that said, "I tried to upload a pic but couldn't, go here to my friend's website, I'm on there"...now why would you be on your friend's website and how could you have known to reply to me so fast? That's just weird. Tell you what, I sent you a newsy email, reply to that at some length and we'll see, OK? I know I'm just in this for a quickie, but I don't want a quickie with a woman who only knows one-liners. I mean, let's say we get together and it looks like you're ready to have me in you, are you going to say, "go three houses down to find real pussy".... Danica, you wrote exactly what Kaitlin did...hey, I'm starting to smell a rat! Nellie, look, if you'd read my ad, you'd know I'm not "looking for friends to chill with", so I'm sorry to simply say no thanks. Octavia, you sounded real - but when I replied to your email address, I got a bot response. Try sending from a different email address. Weird - some women just can't read and others seem to have trouble with their email, and so many don't even know their own names. No WONDER they have to turn to the 'net for dating...no way they'd make it in the real world. Meanwhile, any woman interested in a one-time-only NSA meeting with a middle-aged man...ah, never mind. <ul> <li> Location: Overflowing with joy! <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-12T21:54:23-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1320594183.html Wow, all these women responding to my ad! text Dear Future Hipster Neighbor http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1317029448.html Dear Future late 20/early 30 Hipster Neighbor from the Mid-west/South/Idaho: I know you are the coolest kid in Iowa/Ohio/Idaho/Texas/Florida/etc but... While scanning CL for a cool vintage apartment near Hawthorne or Alberta, a sweet barista job and a new fixie to ride around on once you arrive, please reconsider your decision, and please do not move here. There aren’t any jobs for the people who already live here. Word on the street is that your Stumptown barista job won’t last once people find out you are a 30-something college graduate from Ohio. I heard the eastside is going to break off from the Willamette River and will soon become part of the Couve (aka you will live in something similar to where you currently live, but rainier)…. Plus, living in the Pearl or NW is too expensive for your $9/hour barista job. And no cool hipsters live on the SW Side. Regards, Your previous future neighbor <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-11T01:38:41-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1317029448.html Dear Future Hipster Neighbor text Alchemical, Video, Archaeological Assistant http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1268919437.html Yes, this is certainly an unusual title for any job advertisement, and we’re looking for someone just as unusual. We are based in St Helens, Oregon. We need someone who either lives locally, or who is willing to travel here a few days week (to start), and who can eventually work full time. What we are seeking a very special employee with a bit more imagination, more integrity and more concern for truth than most people. What we are offering is far more than a job, and – we hope – you’ll find this more of an avocation than a vocation. Our research is independently funded. We are looking for an absolutely honorable, spiritually-centered and healthy individual who is not only looking to earn a paycheck, but who wants to (literally) change the world. This is a non-smoking workplace, but your life is your own. It is results we are looking for. The short version: we are an independent video production company, which – during the course of filming a radical new science documentary – made a series of rather incredible discoveries (and these discoveries are on-going). Our breakthroughs represent a radical new view of an esoteric world history, and resulted in equally amazing technologies. We are now preparing to market some of these. What are these technologies? As amazing as our answer seems, we are not exaggerating. We have rediscovered the “elixir of life,” once known also as Amrita, Soma, and (through the European mythos) the “Holy Grail!” And that’s not all. Quietly, we started a company to develop and market several products which resulted from these breakthroughs, and the sales of these alchemically-related products are being used to fund the completion of our documentary series. Recently we went public with some of our discoveries. Now we need some help to produce these products. Can you work with shop tools and wood? Do you have a background in chemistry, archaeology or biology? Do you have a familiarity with lab safety, using a microscope or with chemical reagents? A person familiar with scientific disciplines is preferable. Yet, such scientific training can often prevent one from dealing well with many paradigm shifts resulting from research such as ours. What we’re up to will turn your world upside down! Do you have a problem working with evidence of real-world ancient occult (occult meaning esoteric, or hidden; i.e., sacred) sciences and/or religions? Can you travel over a weekend or week if necessary? What if you were asked to climb down into a cave, or travel to an archaeologically-significant site across the Great Basin? Are you a certified diver? Discoveries have lead us to seek for answers in all sorts of places Anything can happen. Are you physically fit enough to carry gear under such circumstances. Are you sure-footed. All of these things and more may affect your ability to work with us. To work with us you’d need more than a very wide range of skills. You must possess a quick and open mind, a curiosity to pursue truth (no matter where it leads), and the willingness to do whatever it takes to complete those jobs and tasks required responsibly. Skills you can develop, but the desire to learn and grow is part of one's personality. We will train you wherever needed. Skills with various power tools is a deal-breaker, and familiarity Macintosh-based graphics a plus. If your skills lie in the arenas of videography, special effects and/or animation, even better. Why? We need one (or two) personal assistants willing to both learn and assist in any and all facets of the work we do here – and that can be anything from assisting in manufacturing and shipping our products, to mailing boxes to clients, answering questions. For example, as mundane as the business part of our work is, this is not all we do. However, it is how we fund ourselves, and stay independent. You may be asked to assist in acquiring video and still imagery, assist research, and so on. We will be willing to train our employees. Our Executive producer is a professional with many years of training experience in digital imaging and video/special FX. All we discover we document. All we document and study, we use to build technologies. Your salary will eventually depend on how well (and quickly) you can accomplish what is required. This will be a part-time salary, but who knows where it will lead? This is (at least partly) up to you. Think of this as an old style apprenticeship job, dealing with sacred-scientific/esoteric research and cutting edge alchemy. If such an alternate and intimate work/learning environment doesn’t freak you out, then let’s talk. You'll be contacted for a brief Q&A session. Then, if we think you're someone we might want to work with us, you'll be participating in a small telephone conference with three of the principles associated with our several companies. Finally, we'll meet and talk person-to-person, at our St Helens facility. Interested? E-mail us. You may even find some of life’s most elusive questions actually have answers. Ask for: Dorian <ul> <li> Location: St Helens <li> Compensation: Hourly, negotiable (depends on skills and experience) <li> This is a part-time job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-13T22:46:23-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1268919437.html Alchemical, Video, Archaeological Assistant text Ashley's Bike (Vintage) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1260502759.html In typical south-east fashion, my friend Ashley has left her bike at my apartment. Knowing her natural hipster tendencies, nagging will only result in her running off to coffee or a garage sale instead of making a conscious effort to come to my house to pick up her bike. So, I am going to inform her of this awesome bike for sale. By honing her natural hipster desire to acquire a vintage bicycle at a really cheap price, I will lure her to my apartment. To anyone having greater than 3 tattoos but less than 10, cut-off-at-the-knee jeans, unkempt hair longer than 6 inches with one or more dreadlocks, ear lobes gauged greater than 14 but less than 6, or a trust-fund in your name..... I apologize. You have been duped by my clever advertisement for a vintage bicycle under $75 and will not be able to purchase this bike unless Ashley does not pick it up in 5 days. However, if she fails to pick it up, I will sell it to you... and you can ride it up and down Hawthorne with your butt-crack hanging out. You will be the envy of all other hipsters. But in the meantime, if you see Ashley at your coffee shop, poetry reading, veloship meeting, dragon boat practice, or garage sale.... please tell her I have her bike. <ul> <li> Location: My Apartment <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-08T18:43:16-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1260502759.html Ashley's Bike (Vintage) text Vegan roommate wanted - Inner Southeast Portland - 2 Bedroom Apartment http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1222012458.html $860 per month is the rent, which is split each way. The utility is electricity, also split two ways. The apartment is pretty spacious, black and white linoleum in kitchen, carpet, window in the bathroom an kitchen, second floor, pretty basic. Vegan household only. No animal products in the house; no new leather shoes (I am not going to shun you for an old pair of hiking shoes—I am an avid dumpster diver and may have old stuff in my life too that is on its last round), no honey, no bee pollen, no wool, no down comforters. I am a liberationist animal rights person who has a total commitment to veganism. It is a defining feature in my life. I take care of inside-only cats. It is important to be aware of the cats when opening the door, because they are inside only,but they are older and mostly you do not have to worry about escapees, just when bringing in groceries or something like that. I scoop the cat litter everyday and vacuum very often. I am very clean about the cats. They have been with me for a decade and are the sweetest older cats ever. I do not support the domestication of animals—they are rescue kitties from the streets. Their names are Mulder, Bromden, Theo, and Zen Mama. It is important for me to live in a straight-edge environment. Please, no alcohol or pot or anything else in the house. Please be sober in the house, even if it is not your lifestyle. I am an environmentally aware person. I do not have an air conditioning unit, I use the heat on low in the winter (lots of layers). I shop at People’s coop and Food Fight!, I recycle, reuse, reduce. I am very DIY. I do not have a garden (there is hardly a yard here). But you can bring compost waste to various places around town if you like. I am childless by choice and do not want any kids living here, sorry parents. I am a night owl. I work for a small business (HELD Vegan Belts) and basically make my own hours and work weekends at Saturday Market. I like to listen to music in the house at all hours, but will respect your schedule if you want quiet time or have a morning work schedule. In the mornings I am sleeping or working. I like to have roommates I can become friends with, but it is not necessary. I like my home to be a place of refuge, a serene space of comfort. I am very casual, but neat (I rinse and stack dishes, I do not leave them in the sink with food on them). I am 30 years old, female, and white. I am open minded and can live with just about anyone from any “demographic” as long as our personalities seem to go well together. I am a queer ally. I have a university education in sociology and philosophy, which has nothing to do with my job but lots to do with my outlook on things. You can call me [deleted] or email me at [deleted]. The best move in day would be July 1st, but if you wanted to move in early please let me know. (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+SE+%31%37th+Ave%2E+Portland+OR+US">google map</a>) (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=SE+%31%37th+Ave%2E&csz=Portland+OR&country=US">yahoo map</a>) <ul> <li> Location: 17th Ave. and Washington St. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-06-15T00:07:13-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1222012458.html Vegan roommate wanted - Inner Southeast Portland - 2 Bedroom Apartment text Magic wand to solve life's problems http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1172985880.html If anyone has a magic wand that will solve all the problems in life, I'm interested in looking at it or buying it from you. Would be interested in seeing the wand's past accomplishments and achievements to verify that it actually does what its supposed to. May request a demonstration. Prefer a fast acting wand, one of the later models that come with the instant gratification package or enhancements. If it isn't the instant gratification type, preferably one that lets you know whether or not anythings happening and gives a forecast of what's happening after waving it. If it's portable that would be great, especially if it's pocket sized. Color, not important. Prefer machine washable in case I forget to take it out of my pockets in the laundry. Larger sized wands have to be storable in my apartment but am able to work around the size issue. Prefer to have instruction manual if you still have it. Am able to drive anywhere to pick it up. Submit picture if possible! Thanks. Oh, If you have a magic lamp instead that you need to be relieved of that still has wishes, I'm interested in that as well. Thanks! <ul> <li> Location: anywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-15T16:02:10-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1172985880.html Magic wand to solve life's problems text I need your eyesore,please help http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1169369888.html I had a nice hedge on my property line, but my neighbor said it was a ratty eyesore and killed it. I would like a bus? a train car? huge peice of rusted heavy equiptment?? This is not a joke If you have something huge and ugly you need to be rid of perhaps we can help eachother out! I would prefer something tall and ominous but will consider any old peice of shit. Wreckage from a airplane would also fit the bill. Also, if part of it squeekes in the wind or is highly reflective in the sun that would be a plus <ul> <li> Location: kelso <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-13T14:04:59-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1169369888.html I need your eyesore,please help text To the fat jogger who spoke to me whilst my dog was taking a dump http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1167750729.html I applaud your willingness to talk to a dog-owner whose dog is taking a shit and question if they're going to pick it up as they walk away. However... My backstory is simply this. I had to park 3 blocks away from Cedric's bookstore since the closer spot I wanted I was nearly backed into whilst the car in front of me although already passed, decided to take it. Thus making me have to turn my car in reverse in about 2 seconds or else be hit. Needless to say I took my dog and walked her to the store since I didn't want to leave her there. So no I didn't have any paper/plastic bags on me as I was walking back to my car and my dog so delightfully decided to have a bowel movement right there. I know the poo was about the size of a dime, but props for still getting on my back about it. I told you I was going to get a bag. Your reply? "How do I know you're coming back?" To put it simply you don't. At least have the balls to back up something like that, I was gone for literally 20 seconds to get a bag and when I got back you were gone. So why even ask that if you're not even going to stay and make sure? Perhaps you should have followed me back to Cedric's as I got a bag and hunched down and watched me pick up my dog's excrement just to make sure. It would've at least added to your stalkerish demeanor. What I really wanted to say in reply was "how do I know you're going to lose weight?" For starters, I want to beg you on behalf on everyones' eyesight to wear a shirt that isn't 5 sizes too small for you; I was planning on grabbing lunch afterwards, but you pretty much altered that thought right out of my head as I felt gag reflexes emerging as I glanced at your overweight size in undersized clothing. Not to mention you're just plain fugly looking by anyones' and I mean ANYONES' standards. In truth we don't know each other, you don't know if I picked up my dog's crap, I don't know if you actually went jogging since I saw you walk by Cedric's, and stretch up against a wall on the other side. No actual jogging/speed-walking attempt was made. So I'm going to ask you nicely this once to not attempt to ruin a beautiful day for someone, especially as stranger unless you are planning on backing up your talk. If I ever see you again and you repeat this style of manner, I will slice the bacon off your back. Got it pudgy? Have a glorious day! <ul> <li> Location: PSU campus <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-12T15:03:09-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1167750729.html To the fat jogger who spoke to me whilst my dog was taking a dump text FREE DOG HOUSE http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1156515169.html FREE DOG HOUSE!!!! it has only been used about 5 mil times!!! Its in GREAT SHAPE!!! just a few things wrong about it that you might want to know.. 1. it's made from card board. 2. theres a piece of poop in it that wont come out (not mine) 3. i stole it out of someones yard 4. ive been living in it for the past 6 months SO DON'T WORRY! IT WORKS GREAT AS A HOME FOR YOU DOG! WARNING!! DO NOT WASH IT! I KNOW IT'S SMELLY BUT DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT WASH IT! <ul> <li> Location: NE Portland <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-05T17:37:22-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1156515169.html FREE DOG HOUSE text Pregnant? - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1138433711.html I was standing in line to make my purchases when you tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to hand you a $1 pregnancy test (can you even trust those?!?) and then made small talk with me while you stood behind me in line. How'd it turn out? Single? <ul> <li> Location: Dollar Tree in SE <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-24T13:09:03-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1138433711.html Pregnant? - m4w text Fooled around at church on New Year's Eve - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/977821242.html You: Very, very, very Drunk. Me: Very, very, very drunk. Here's what I remember: We shared a romantic moment on the dance floor. The kind of moment dreams and flowers and bunnies are made of. ***Flash*** We were fooling around like a couple of teenagers in the back room. ***Flash*** We somehow ended up in a private room behind the DJ booth and things heated up to a more adult level. ***Flash*** We realized the room was not so private due to the group of people watching us and possibly taking pictures and video with camera phones. ***Flash*** Alone. With your panties in my pocket. I think you took my hat. Good trade. ***Flash*** Wearing panties on my head, looking for you. For some reason couldn't find you... Sorry about all the debauchery. I'm not normally so fun. It was New Year's Eve, though and if it makes you feel better, I'm still feeling the hangover. Sigh. Drop me a line if you wanna actually go out sometime and get to know each other like regular people. I'm actually a pretty nice guy once you take the panties off my head. If not, then thanks for a wild New Year's Eve. I've never had so much fun at church. <ul> <li> Location: NE Alberta <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-01-02T13:55:05-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/977821242.html Fooled around at church on New Year's Eve - m4w text break my arm....no, seriously. break it. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/944361824.html Are you serious? 1. Yes, I'm serious. Why do you want your arm broken? 2. Not really any of your business. Are you trying to set someone up or something? 3. No, it's not for fraudulent purposes. Okay, which arm? 4. The left one. Radius or ulna or both acceptable. Why are you asking somebody else to do it? 5. If I could break it myself, I would have done so already. Can we have sex? 6. I'd rather not. You need psychiatric help. 7. Don't we all? Please be serious and relatively sane. Method of breakage is up to you. And no, this isn't miscellaneous romance. Sorry. <ul> <li> Location: w4? <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-03T22:29:04-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/944361824.html break my arm....no, seriously. break it. text Dear Craigslist, Thank you - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/903397393.html I know you are a web site, so you do not feel as normal humans feel. But you should still be thanked for the magic that you were able to connect between two troubled souls. Not long ago, a random "let's talk" post cross your pages, and garnered a response from another soul in the same situation: just looking for someone to talk to. The two moved from your domain into their own and spoke constantly. They met, and had a wonderful time together. They felt things neither of them believed they deserved, and felt things they'd forgotten over the years. You put them together. All they did was click. And by clicking, they "clicked." I just wanted you, Craigslist, to know that last night, the two of them were awaiting their dinner when he suddenly took a knee and said to her, "(Name blurred), you asked for my heart, but you saw into my soul. I have nothing left that I can give you other than my life. Will you marry me?" And she responded, "Just kiss me already." A month ago, they were complete strangers. 24 hours ago, they agreed to embark on life's greatest journey together. And none of that could have been possible -- with these two people -- without your help. So, from both of us, we say Thank You, Craig. And to all of the souls who continue to seek their true love, it really is possible. <ul> <li> Location: Stairway to Heaven <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-11-02T17:42:21-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/903397393.html Dear Craigslist, Thank you - m4w text DOOR TO THE FUTURE http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/762644631.html Where do you want to go? Who do you want to be? This door could be the first step in making your dreams come true. Imagine walking through this 28 3/4" x 78" door as you begin your new life, as the person you've always wanted to be... happier, funnier, handsomer, richer, and with firmer buns. It could be yours, right now. Give yourself that extra edge! Come pick up your door to the future today! <ul> <li> Location: North pdx <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-20T12:17:27-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/762644631.html DOOR TO THE FUTURE text Slugs for lease http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/700554884.html I have some banana slugs I will lease out for $1.00 per day. You just come catch them, and keep sliding dollar bills under my front door. I also have some worms availabe for .50 daily, and a few spiders as well. I am trying to save up for a flat screen TV. Thank you so much in advance. <ul> <li> Location: PDX <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-05-29T20:52:53-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/700554884.html Slugs for lease text A Sodding Good Time http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/644579316.html You need sod? Take one piece or twenty. Fill in those trouble spots on your lawn We know you have plenty. For all 100+ golfers, Carry a few in your bag. Laying some new carpet? Try this verdant shag! An excellent costume for your kid's school play. Thinning on top? Makes a stylish toupee... There's no end of mirth you can have with this earth. Come pick up some today on 9th and Killingsworth! <img src=644579316.1.jpg> <img src=644579316.2.jpg> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: 9th and Killingsworth <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-16T10:21:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/644579316.html A Sodding Good Time text Free or Fee http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/617501011.html My First Dog was...... FREE..... And I loved her with all the love a heart could have. She was fed and cared for and excercised and played with and slept with and vetted when necessary and she lived to be 15. She was loved by a whole family and there were lots of tears when she died. My Second Dog was........FREE..... And I loved him beyond measure. He traveled with me as I moved all over the U.S. I payed pet deposites on rental houses... I spent thousands of dollars on vets when he got a rare disease. He went on dates with me.. he went to work with me... he slept by my bed, ate the best of foods... was the envy of many who stopped to say how cool he was... And I thought my heart would never ever mend when he died at age 14. My Third Dog was.... NOT FREE....I paid $20 for him and I loved him... played with him... fed him the best foods.. paid his vet bills... he slept by the bed, kept me company on long walks... and I cried till I could cry no more when he passed away at 13. My Fourth Dog was.....FREE... I picked him up lost and abandoned on the side of the freeway... I didn't need or particularly want a second dog at the time.... But I loved him... played with him.. fed him the best foods.. Paid for veterinary care and later when he had severe arthitis, spent many hundreds on suppliments to keep him comfortable till I had to have him laid to rest at 14. And I cried... and thanked God for the stranger that came to stay with us for so many years. My Fifth Dog ... My CURRENT Dog... was..... NOT FREE..... I paid $80 for him... And I love him.. and I play with him.. and I pay the vet when he needs it.. and he sleeps by my bed, and he gets the best of foods, and he follows me everywhere and I hope that we will get to love him for many more years until it's time for him to pass on and we will cry and our hearts will break and we will miss him. Somewhere in this short story of my life with dogs... And I could easily write another much longer story about my life with many, many horses... some free.. some rescued.. some paid a small price for and some paid a high price for... Somewhere in the stories... I hope is a lesson. Every animal in my care... for whatever reason it came and at whatever cost.... Got the same kind of care. They got the BEST care I could give... and sometimes... because of sacrifice.. they got better care than prudently affordable or necessary. Did it matter the price I paid for them?.... IT DID NOT!..... Nor will it ever. And I seriously doubt it matters in many other homes across the world... People either value their pets or they don't... I have seen just as many neglected pets and livestock come from "rich" homes as I have poor. It is not the money that takes care of an animal... It is the heart of the people or person they live with. The poorest person will find a way if they love enough. If you ask me... charging a high fee to "ensure a good home", is just a lazy persons way out of not feeling guilty for the fact that they do not want to take enough time to find out if the home they are selling their pet to is adequate. It's a lot easier to take someones money and tell yourself that you did the right thing, than it is to take the time to get to know someone, or to go look at their home.. or to draw up an agreement on their care with a return clause, to get references and to follow up with checks over the next days, weeks and months. To take this argument to the ridiculous.... One of my children was born when we had really great insurance and guess what?... She was ... FREE!..... My Second child, we didn't have good insurance.... She cost... ALOT!!!... I wonder if we are less of a good home for the first one?.... Maybe I should love the second one a bit more since she cost so much?... This is long... but hopefully the message is clear.... Money can buy a lot of things... and certainly you should ask prospective homes if they can afford the upkeep of a pet... even go as far as to list out some of the expenses....But take the time to make sure you are finding a good home... don't use making money as a cop-out to get out of your responsibilities. You may find... that the most loving thing you can do for your pet is to place him in a home for.... Free... I will give you a flip side to the situation... when you need to rehome your pet... when you are "desperately seeking good home asap"... Letting someone "rescue" you from your situation... can give them a sense of pride for doing something good for both animal and human... that is a value that is much greater than money and may in the end go the farthest towards giving your pet a great life. Thank you for reading this.. I hope it is taken in good spirit and gives another point of view on the subject of "rehoming fees"... God Bless <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-24T18:16:59-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/617501011.html Free or Fee text RAVE: A Mother's unconditional love... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/595286607.html ...changed my life. It was a couple of days before Christmas and I was shopping at the Vancouver Costco. I couldn't help but notice how "un-Christmas" the atmosphere was...parents yelling at their kids to hurry up and don't touch this or that...or worse, some kids were just being ignored and crying for attention. Civilized adults being rude to each other...and I remember thinking how pitiful it all was. I was in the store looking for a Wii - somebody told me they might be available there. I asked a clerk who very nicely told me I was out of luck - see I only had a vague idea of what a Wii is and no idea of how popular they were - making them scarce. Another Costco "customer" heard me ask and after the cleck left he approached me and offered to sell me one - for $500. After talking to this "gentleman" - it turns out he somehow managed to buy 10 or so units (not sure if they were from Costco or not) and was just hanging out at Costco to find people looking for these games so he could sell them one. He actually said things like "you'd better do this because I am your only hope" and "your kids will hate you if they don't have a Wii on Christmas morning." I suddenly felt really sad because I know for some people he was telling the truth. On my way out I decided to get a Costco hotdog special. That's when I got the Christmas Spirit again. I was just looking around at all the people hustling, bustling, ignoring, yelling, pushing, shoving and then I saw her and her little boy. At first, I didn't take it all in - all I noticed was this woman's happy smile. And then I noticed her son was handicapped. He couldn't sit up by himself very well. He couldn't eat by himself and when he had food in his mouth, it would come back out. But at first glance you wouldn't know it. This Mom was using one hand to hold him up. She was breaking his food into small bits and feeding it to him and wiping his mouth every few seconds. She did this while she was eating her own lunch, whispering conversation to him and gently kissing his head now and then - and smiling both full of happiness and pride the whole time. I found that amazing especially in contrast with what was surrounding them. They were most definitely in their own peaceful and loving world. I watched them for a few minutes and reluctantly went on my way. Her love and peace had touched me, but I knew if I stayed longer and watched, they may have spotted me watching them and it could have made them uncomfortable or somehow taken away from their time there. Now it's just over 2 months later and this is still on my mind - as it is everyday. I am more thankful for my kids and I am more at peace and more accepting of things when they don't work out the way I want. I try hard to be more gentle and kind towards others. I want to smile the way I saw this woman smile. I want that peace and contentment. I want to be able to love unconditionally. I have heard that before - but it doesn't really have meaning until you see it. It's a 100 million to one chance that the person who I am talking about sees this, but I need to say thank you. I want you to know that you made a difference in my life. Thank you.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Costco Vancouver <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-04T10:00:57-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/595286607.html RAVE: A Mother's unconditional love... text Free: Lazy Boyfriend, Slightly Used http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/594355434.html Free: One slightly used boyfriend. Sleeping right now, and for the past 18 hours, after staying out with his pals the night before until 4 am. I don't think he really wants to keep his job much longer, either. U haul. First one here gets him. He'll be out on the curb. Enjoy! Note: Photo is for illustrative purposes only. <img src="594355434.jpg">  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-03T12:43:39-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/594355434.html Free: Lazy Boyfriend, Slightly Used text From Your Friendly Neighborhood Barista http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/585805652.html I've been in the coffee business for awhile now. I worked for three years while I was in high school, and now that I'm 400 miles away and a junior in college, I work at another coffee shop. In general, I keep a smile on my face and an upbeat attitude, but after a particularly long day at work, I feel I need to rant and rave about proper coffee etiquette for those of you who need your caffeine fix. Okay, here goes. First of all, I am one of the fastest barista's in the company. I can take your huge order from you and whip them out in record time without making a mistake. But when you choose to pull up, already having seen the long line on both sides of my window, please don't tell me that you're in a hurry and I need to make your drink FAST. This will just make me move slower, because, what kind of idiot stops to get coffee when you're running late? Having said that I am super fast, I am human, however, and do make mistakes on occasion. I know it was my fault, and if you come back I will be more than happy to remake it for you and offer you a second drink. But if you act like a dick that I accidentally gave you sugar free caramel in the 16oz instead of the 12oz, then that's just going to piss me off. Maybe if you hadn't rapid-fired your 7 drinks at me, then rolled your window up, I wouldn't mix things up. Speaking of ordering 7 drinks... no big deal. But when you rack up a $28 tab, and don't leave a tip, that's just rude. It's even more rude when your company pays for your tab, and you still don't leave a tip. Would you spend $30 at a restaurant and not leave a tip? You would? Oh, well fuck you then. Although appreciated, I don't expect a tip every time, nor do I think it's necessary. I work in a college town, I understand where you're coming from and don't expect you to tip me. When I worked at my first job, I worked in a ritzy part of town. People would drive through in a new Cayman or XJ8 and not tip. You can't afford it. Right. Speaking of my first job, the owners were the prime example of how NOT to run a business. When you're too cheap to pay us every other week, and switch to once a month... PLEASE make sure you pay us ON TIME. Not 5 days late. Consistently. That's just unacceptable. And I'm sure you're also aware that we aren't Starbucks. Our 20oz drinks aren't called a "venti," so when your wife strolls in asking for a "venti" something, I want to shoot her. She's an idiot. I consider myself well-educated... or at least in the process of getting smarter. Please don't talk down to me because I am a barista. To be honest, I don't need this job. My college education, rent and everything else is paid for and working here just gives me extra cash and I do it for the social interaction. I probably have less debt than you, so don't treat me like I'm stupid. Please don't have your wife order from the passengers seat... I know you know nothing about coffee and you think you'll sound like an ass having her repeat things to you for you to tell to me, but the truth is I feel like the ass when I'm constantly having to ask "I'm sorry, what did she say?" numerous times because she's so damn quiet. SPEAK UP. Both of you. It's cold. It's raining. I know you don't want to get wet or whatever, but when I'm actively communicating with you about your drink, stop rolling your window up. My drive-through windows are open so I can help YOU, I'm freezing my ass off for you, the least you could do is keep your window rolled down while I come back with your change. All the way down, not just 6". Today was the first time encountering this... but when you are arguing with your significant other, please roll up your window. That was really, really awkward having to hear about how much of a "selfish whore" he was for not coming home last night. It was even more awkward to stand at the window with your drinks, waiting for you to notice me. This is the only time you have permission to leave your window up. If you're hot and really nice to me, I'm probably going to give you a free drink. That's just the way it works. I'm in a committed relationship and this is my way of flirting without feeling guilty. Half the time I end up paying for your drink anyway, but it still makes me feel better. You get free coffee, I get to flirt, everybody wins. Speaking of free drinks, I love when my friends come in to visit me, and I will probably give you guys free drinks. But when you start expecting it, deals off. I don't go into the bank you work at and expect free money. Although that would be nice. You live here. You come here every single night. You know what hours we're open. Don't come in 5 minutes before I'm scheduled to close and expect me to make you one of everything. It's so rude. I am not a garbage woman. I am not your mother. Don't ask me to throw away your garbage for you. We're close to a gas station, drive your ass down the road a minute and throw it away there. Oh wait, you're already running 10 minutes late for work... And don't throw your garbage in my drive through or on the plants. Do you not have any respect for anything? I will write down your license plate number and report you. Chances are it's my ass that will have to clean up after you, and I don't want to touch your herpes infested McDonalds bag. I'll pass on that, thanks. Now some shout outs: To the creepy old guys... my eyes are up here, thanks. I know you're at the perfect tit-staring level, and I know they're nice, but look at my eyes. And don't wink. Not cute. To the old couples that share drinks... you are way too cute. I hope I'm like you guys when I'm older. You don't have to share a chocolate covered coffee bean, though... I can spare a couple for the both of you, no big deal. To the people who bring their dogs with them... I love it. It totally brightens my day to see your dogs wiggling body waiting to get a treat. To the punk ass kids who steal tips from my tip jar... fuck you. You do realize we have cameras on the outside of our buildings and have already reported you to the cops. Be warned. Karma is a bitch. To the people who park 4' away from the window. Seriously? Go back to drivers ed... I can't reach you. Go go gadget arms. And to the guy that lives underneath me, I know you don't know I have to work at 5:30 in the morning, and yes, it is a Saturday night, but you live by yourself. Do you really need to CRANK your butt rock? Hell, I wouldn't even care if it were that loud, but it's the bass that kills me. Trying to fall asleep, feeling like I'm in a bed at the Playboy Mansion because my whole apartment is vibrating, in a word, sucks. I was just a little extra loud when I woke up this morning, and made sure my dog ran around a little too... oops. But all in all, my customers are amazing. As a whole, everyone is really nice, and I truly, truly appreciate you guys.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Everywhere <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-24T22:00:58-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/585805652.html From Your Friendly Neighborhood Barista text Free green tea http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/501865011.html I am offering - for free - about five ounces of loose leaf green tea from the Tea Zone, of the variety called "High Mountain Green." I'm not going to lie. The reason I'm giving this away is because it's disgusting. To me and to everyone in my office. But you never know, you might be different. You might like it. I'm sitting in my office and wondering how I can possibly rid myself of this without going against everything I've ever been taught and just throwing it away. The answer is craigslist. Please: come to my office and take this green tea. It is a burden on my desk and a blight on my cubicle, and I can't stop drinking it because I bought it and it is here. But I don't want to ever choke down another sip of this tea again. The deal is that you come and take this tea, no questions asked. No taste tests...I'm not serving out mugs of tea during my workday. Just take it. If you hate it you have several options: --post an ad on craigslist. This can be the bag of tea that circulates throughout the Pearl District via craigslist. --How about regifting it to a co-worker you hate for Christmas? --This tea might make good compost --Free confetti --Potpourri --Throw it at yuppies who don't thank you for holding open doors or complimenting their $2000 dogs --Make Jameson Square Park's fountain a tea fountain I don't care what you do with it. Be creative! Just relieve me of it.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Pearl District <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-07T10:59:58-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/501865011.html Free green tea text To the Man in the Motorized Wheelchair http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/491649678.html You have restored my faith in humanity. Lamentably, I work in the Lloyd District, and the largest assortment of food offerings in one place is, in fact, that true testament to the Portland Ghetto zeitgeist, The Lloyd Centre Mall. As I was walking toward the down escalator near the cinemas, having procured my foodstuffs, I noted a group of kids in front of me that should, undoubtedly, have been sitting in class in their middle school and were probably reveling in their shared truancy. As they walked, you came zipping around into their path in a motorized wheelchair like the place was the Portland International Raceway. The quartet of young punks either did not notice or did not care enough to cede the right of way. That did not seem to phase you. No—you plowed right into the middle of them slammed to a stop, and grouchily shouted something akin to, ‘Jesus Christ! Move, motherfucker!’ out of your toothless maw. I assure you that the profanity was utterly delicious. Then you shoved down on that chair’s joystick and took off at a speed that indicated that the world had damned well better move for you. The kids looked on in disbelief. I think on some level they were too flabbergasted to be offended. Is it wrong that the cockles of my dark little heart just warmed at you schooling those young punks? And is it wrong that I then thought of myself in my old age shouting at kids to get off my lawn? There is hope. There are young punks a-plenty, and it is my most fervent wish that I get to plow down as many as my heart desires when I’m flying around the mall, my colostomy bag blazing like a standard. Sir, I salute you. Huzzah!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Lloyd District <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-27T18:45:20-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/491649678.html To the Man in the Motorized Wheelchair text a day in the life http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/473412230.html A day in the life of a craigslist heman. Wake up at noon and eat cold pizza while checking email and cl boards. Repost everything that was flagged down yesterday. Fucking libtards! Drink warm mountain dew while searching for pictures of fat women, deformed genitalia, Mexicans and dog shit online. Masturbate to same pics. Wipe key board with hem of t shirt and go take a shit. Weigh yourself before you sit down. Tell yourself that your big boned. Masturbate while on the can and take a pic of your load with camera phone. Weigh yourself after to see how big your dump was. Browse free porn sites. Distort photo's to make the pussys look huge. Post ad in casual encounters saying 'must fuck now, no fatties' and ad in M4W saying your a smart funny and sensitive guy looking for someone to cuddle, no fatties. Pick nose while posting hate rants about illegals. Include the dog shit pics you just downloaded. Check in box for female replies to your posts on ce and m4W. Delete 40 bot replies. Fucking assholes! Respond to 5 real replies from women using a pic from college and a pic of a cock that looks similar to yours, sort of. Photo shop your bathroom load on any pics sent to you, two loads for anyone who looks like they are fat and immedialty repost them on R&R and call them cows and whores. Open the ten replies from men offering you blow jobs. Masturbate to a cock shot and then get angry. Go post anti gay hate posts with a pic of 'god hates fags'. Read responses to your earlier posts and threaten anyone who slammed you. Challenge them to meet mano a mano in a parking lot somewhere. Browse free stuff looking for things to resell on eBay. Browse free porn sites. Post personal ads again. Include fake cock pic this time. Post more gay bashing rants with pic of guy with a bottle up his ass. Browse erotic services.yell upstairs and ask your mom to loan you $150. When she tells you no go back to computer and seeach for dark skinned women to repost to ice. Fucking illegal whores! Browse free porn sites. Make up a fake name and troll for a few hours. Pretend to be a shallow, slutty woman who types tee hee in all her posts. Use pics that respondee's sent you. Read all the responses to your fake bitch posts and laugh hysterically. Yell upstairs for your mom to order you a pizza. Browse free porn. Think about all the losers posting on cl and how much smarter you are then all of them. What asshats! Masturbate again Tell yourself tomorrow your going to start working out and send that resume to Microsoft, they would be lucky to have you. Pass out at 3am so you can get up early. Your 40th birthday is tomorrow and your really gonna slam that asshole bitch who called you a troll.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: of a craigslist dreamboat <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-08T23:02:37-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/473412230.html a day in the life text Cancer Rant http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/465030621.html In February of this year I was diagnosed with advanced Hodgkins Lymphoma. I went through eight months of chemotherapy, everything looks really good, and now I am just waiting my post-chemo scans to indicate remission. I am finally done with chemo. Woop woop. This is very good news for me. I’m real happy about it and I am excited to get on with my life. I was a good cancer patient…no, a great cancer patient. I was tough. I didn’t curl up in a ball and hide, I faced it, I sucked it up, and got through it. I’m not looking for a medal, I just want to preface what I am going to say with the fact that I am not whiney or self-pitying, and that I realize that I am not the only one who’s had to deal with this crap, and that there’s worse things that could have happened to me. I have a wonderful family and caring friends that have formed a very lovely support system for me. I cannot thank them enough for all their help and love. That said, here’s my rant…This goes out to everyone I know – friends, family, co-workers, doctors, nurses, radiologists, technicians, friends of friends, exes, and others… 1. There is no “good” kind of cancer. Yes, this kind of cancer at my stage has an 80-85% survival rate. That’s great, I am happy about that – really, I am, but that doesn’t make it “good” or any “better” than any other kind of cancer. Cancer is a scary thing, the treatment is excruciating, and at the end of the day, if you happen to get “lucky” and be one of the 15-20% that don’t survive, that statistic turns from a “good” one to a not-so-great one. Really. That’s like one out of five. Can you think of five friends? Picture them. If one of them up and died would you consider it a “good” number of them? I didn’t think so. So please, don’t tell me I got the “good” kind of cancer – don’t even suggest it. Don’t even say, “Well, at least you didn’t get _________ cancer, that would really suck.” Uh, hello, this pretty much REALLY sucks. Next time you get cancer I’ll ask you if you think the kind you got is “good”. 2. Don’t tell me things I don’t want to hear. For some reason, it occurred several times that when I told someone what I was going through (which is kinda awkward anyway), they would say something to the effect of “OH, my (mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, insert any other relative or even remote acquaintance here) just died last year of cancer.” Or “Right, my (insert distant relative here) died of Hodgkin’s.” What the hell?? I have been diagnosed with a terrible disease and am undergoing intensive and debilitating treatment, and you’re going to tell me about someone dying? What? Seriously? It’s better just to not chime in here. Again, next time you get cancer, I’ll try this line out on you and you can let me know what you think. 3. DO NOT ask me about my hair. With the kind of chemo I had, my hair started falling out around treatment #3, slowly at first, then lots at a time until I finally, and very sadly, shaved my head. THAT WAS REALLY HARD TO DO. It’s about a lot of things…it’s about vanity and feeling ugly, it’s about the stigma of being sick and that being obvious to the world, it’s about knowing or not who you are without your hair/eyelashes/eyebrows, it’s complicated. And, I take ownership of the fact that some of that is really superficial shit – but it’s very real and it’s emotional. So, comments like “How’s your hair doing?” “Wow, it’s really thinning out!” “So is your hair just coming out in handfuls?” and “Is that a wig?” are not helpful and WILL make me cry. If you think this is stupid or oversensitive, let me say it again: next time you get cancer let me know how this goes. 4. Don’t tell me it’s going to be ok. Bottom line is this – I know I want everything to be ok, and I know you want everything to be ok – you wouldn’t be my friend/involved family member if that weren’t the case. Unfortunately, we BOTH know that it just might not be ok. We BOTH know that there exists the possibility that it’s not going to be ok and that the disease isn’t going to respond, or is going to come back, and that even if I am tough and brave, it could kill me. I have had to deal with that idea since the word “cancer” came out of the doctor’s mouth. In that moment, and in the hours and days to come, I knew that it could happen that everything was not going to be ok. If I didn’t know that, cancer wouldn’t be such a big deal. If that weren’t a possibility, we wouldn’t have shed tears when we heard the news. So, for my sake, don’t say that line. I know it’s the first thing that comes to mind, and I know you mean it well, but try something else that actually means something, like: “Whenever you need anything I’ll be there” or “This is going to be rough but I’m here for you” or “I’m on my way over with a last season’s Top Model” or even just “Give ‘em hell, sista”. I know you may not get it, but next time you get cancer we’ll share profound understanding when I tell you that I know it may not be ok and that I know that’s real scary. 5. Don’t comment about my weight. Ok, here’s something that I didn’t know before I started this. Chemotherapy is NOT a weight loss plan – YES, they have indeed discontinued all the fringe benefits from the cancer card membership. Turns out, they give you steroids that make you hungry all the damned time. And, you feel like complete shit and don’t even have enough energy to walk up the stairs, much less to exercise. In the beginning when I was still trying to figure out how to deal with shitty side effects like constant vomiting, painful mouth sores, etc, I lost weight because I just literally couldn’t eat. But once I got that under control, the hunger would come on, and man, I can eat a lot. I was in pretty good shape (at the gym five days a week, healthy foods, etc) when all this started and now I have gained weight and am up a pants size. The once-muscle has turned into mushy fat and I’m not happy about it, but during treatment there was just no fix. So, the “wow, you’ve put a couple on, haven’t you?” or “I thought you lose weight on chemo” comments are not helpful and again, will make me cry. Next time you get cancer, see how you feel when I tell you to “hit the gym.” 6. Chemotherapy sucks. I think everyone knows that – I don’t know what the first thing is that pops into your head when you read that word, but I would venture to guess that it’s not something warm and smiley. It sucks, it really sucks. You vomit, are nauseated (which is so much worse than vomiting) all the time, you get terrible headaches, you can’t sleep, you get sores in your mouth and chronic yeast infections, you get seriously seriously constipated, your brain malfunctions and you can’t remember how to get to the bus stop or where you normally leave the toothpaste, your whole body hurts, your toenails fall off (wtf? Yeah) and now they give you shots to stimulate white blood cell production (at least in my case) that cause relentless, incapacitating pain that made you simply want to give up on living just to make it stop. Ok, I said it, chemotherapy sucks – and I am really good at being tough and not letting everyone know all the shitty stuff that’s happening to me at once, but you know it sucks. So, no, I am not interested in hearing you whine about a cold you think you’re getting, your scratchy throat, your eye/ear/sinus infection, your sleepiness, your headache, etc. I know you really don’t feel good, but c’mon man, suck it up – or at least go tell someone else who doesn’t have cancer. Next time you get it, you’ll drop kick the asshole that spends ten minutes talking about how bad their hangover is. 7. It’s a REALLY long road. Eight months is a long time to be sick. It just is, and I KNOW (I really know) that it gets old. In the beginning everyone called all the time, offered to go to chemo with me, sent lots of e-mails, came over to visit when I was sick….but after the months drag on it’s like people get sick of it. I understand that – ‘cause I got pretty sick of it too. I got sick of calling in to work, not doing anything fun, not seeing anyone….even just answering the damned “How are you feeling?” question….I felt like it was better to lie and say “fine” than to say how I really felt because people kind of don’t know how to react or don’t want to hear it. I have a wonderful husband and mother who took exceptional care of me, even when they needed a break, even when it got old, even when they got sick of hearing me say I felt like shit. They did that because they knew I needed them. I needed other people too, I needed girlfriends to just come over with a movie or a dvd of a funny tv show, or to call me on the days they knew I had treatment, or to just call when they hadn’t heard from me in days. Some did and some didn’t. You know who you are and why you didn’t. Maybe you didn’t feel comfortable or maybe you were too “busy.” Regardless, I love you, and I will do it for you the next time you get cancer. I really, really hope you never get cancer. I mean that for everyone – even if you’re a jerk, even if you write to me and rant meaningless bullshit about my rant, even if you really deserve to have something nasty happen to you – I hope you don’t get cancer. It’s awful. I’m not one of those “I’m a survivor!” types, I’m not one of those in-your-face super tough post-cancer freaks, I’m really normal and I will get over this. That said, if you do get cancer or if your friend or (insert any relative here) gets cancer, you can bet your bottom dollar that if/when I hear about it I’ll be on your/their doorstep with a big teary welcome to the cancer club hug and a mop and bucket to clean the floors, or popcorn and a dvd for the kids, or dinner so you/they don’t have to make it, or whatever it takes, for as long as it takes – and you won’t have to ask for it, and you won’t have to say thanks, because we’ll both just know. It’s a special club and we take care of our own.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-31T09:31:53-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/465030621.html Cancer Rant text To a few patrons of the Multnomah Post Office. . . http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/449401719.html To a few patrons of the Multnomah Post Office: 1) Middle-Aged Clueless Woman of Japanese Descent: OK, the USPS website said you could ship that package to Kyushu for $6.75 and come to find out, from two clerks at the counter, that it actually costs $37. Do you really think that 10 pounds of anything will ship Priority across an ocean for $6.75? Do you?? How about this. . .use some common sense, step up and realize you read the information on the website incorrectly and trust the clerks that do this for a living. I say this with a smirk, but they are EXPERTS and I KNOW they were actually right this time! Dumb. Ass. Casting a request-for-sympathy-gaze to the rest of us in line got you nothing. In fact, I think I witnessed an 80-year-old woman mouth the words, ‘Eat Shit’. I saw you again just the other day on Capitol by the Thai restaurant. Sweet Jesus, woman, you live around here?? 2) Trailer-Trash Wannabe eBay Businesswoman: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s clear you got some postal game. I mean, you had at least 10 packages prepaid, all ready to go and have obviously mastered Click-N-Ship. Your shit is tight. But ya gotta stick with what ya know, and assisting the clerks in dealing with Middle-Aged Clueless Woman of Japanese Descent is obviously NOT what you know. In fact, that effort was downright futile. You should have known this. After all, you’re here every day with your Goodwill-fodder turned eBay treasure. (although I will give you props for being certified WT and under 200 lbs). Anyway, you were really annoying in saying repeatedly, the same fucking shit the clerks were saying, but with an Estacadian’s command of the English language. C’mon! Middle-Aged Clueless Woman of Japanese Descent was getting uber-agitated and the longer she was agitated, clearly, the longer she was going to camp at the counter until attaining some degree ‘respect’ or validation. Did I mention that while you were ‘helping’ the hapless clerks, you were yourself at the counter being assisted by the ONLY other clerk not involved in the fray? Oblivious psycho. You sort of recognized me during your righteous attempt at ‘helping’, and you cast yet another request-for-sympathy-gaze. You were not indulged. I maintained the eat-shit expression recently conveyed by the wise and elderly madam behind me. You know, you were nice to me one time when you held that door open, otherwise you would have been at the top of this list. 3) The Yeller: Now I haven’t seen you before, but you were on a freakin’ MISSION. I could tell you were a jacked-up Type A in about. . .a second. It’s a good thing you weren’t here Friday, dog. I mean, some shit went down with this crazy lady that. . . Anyway, things were moving pretty good, but obviously too slowly for you. Think, man. . .if you commit to a line that has 12 people in it and two clerks at the counter, what do you expect? Obviously you expect either personal service or a hand job because waiting 5 minutes ANYWHERE is not your strong suit. I was down with the people in the line that day dog, I mean, there was some respectful and sweet old people, a smiling soccer mom and even a non-screaming kid that was actually capable of independent play. There was a 1 for 2 clerk situation (one good one) and overall things were looking pretty good. Until of course you mouthed off, “Can you guys get some help out here? Fuckin’ A!” I’m all for more counter help. In fact, I might even send a letter to management to report how painful this station is, but saying what you said and then doing all your posturing, sighing and slamming your flat-rates on the counter just wasn’t cool. The FuckinA was especially uncalled for, and frankly, it really wasn’t on par with your $75 Magnum Opus haircut and designer clothes you were sporting. I firmly believe that a simple, “Jesus!”, with an emphasis on the ‘Gee’, befits a man of your caliber. Seriously, your reckless tirade left one clerk speechless for a least five minutes and should have resulted in the postmaster booting your ass out the door. I was embarrassed because we share the same generation. Here’s a recommendation: your time is far too precious to expend at the post office, please send your trophy wife in – me and a couple other regulars wouldn’t mind checking out some fakies once in a while. And dude, what the fuck are you doing out of Lake Oswego anyway? 4) Forty-Five-Year-Old Cell Phone Tard: I’m not spending a lot of time on you. Others have. Your ilk is well-known and well-hated, like on that trip to Salzberg during the fortress tour where you talked over the guide on your cell phone about some fucking t-ball game your brat played in, or at the Beaverton Nissan dealership when you were buying the convertible Z (gag), or even in the milf-infested Pearl District Starbuck’s. So you think you have a really cool job? Well let me tell you. . .people could give a shit when they’re well into their 20th minute standing at the Multnomah Post Office! We really aren’t impressed that you’re part of the ‘CG effort’ for the next Dreamworks production. I mean, YOU SELL COMPUTER PARTS ferchrissakes (memory modules I think?) to the Techs that run the computers that support the Creatives that bust their ass in a very non-glamorous sweat shop hell of a job. Come to think of it, you’re NOT really part of the ‘CG effort’ at all. You’re just some nominally-educated, self-employed consultant dickhead that believes he’s getting his 15 minutes of fame by name-dropping ‘Dreamworks’ fifty times to some pissed off people in a line at the post office. I guess I did spend a lot of time on you. And that’s because I hate you. 5) Sighing Milf: I don’t have a clear picture of you, because you come in droves. You are all shapes, sizes and flavors. 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, blonde, brunette or redhead, you have truly perfected the art of The Sigh. I’ve come to appreciate and respect you, for when I hear your call, I’m about to have a great moment. Now, The Sigh indicates that I’m moving a lot of merchandise and I’ve got a formidable stack of packages with me. Capitalism at work. Money in my wallet. I’m already having a good day. I want to let YOU in on a little secret Sighing Milf. . .your sweet sigh will almost always preclude one or all of the following: a slower than normal process of placing the packages on the counter, my apparent confusion with a receipt or customs form, or, if I’m feeling especially wicked, entry into a light-hearted and prolonged banter with Pete the clerk. You may not be subjected to these atrocities though if Sweet Old Lady or Smiling Soccer Mom are in front of you. But, mind you, I’m here almost every day and you’ll be back too because I’ve seen your road-weapon Navigator with the lame stick-family sticker in the parking lot before. It’s a slippery slope, The Sigh, and it may eventually elevate you to Cold-Hearted Bitch someday. Just sayin’.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Multnomah <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-15T02:05:19-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/449401719.html To a few patrons of the Multnomah Post Office. . . text Clean Out My Mini-Fridge for $25 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/447703490.html Some mystery sauce spilled in my fridge one day, and I didn't feel like cleaning it up. Several hours later, I went on vacation for a couple weeks, giving the sauce time to ferment and congeal into a colorful, ominously pulsating substance with an odor I won't attempt to describe here. This was half a year ago. The sauce is still there, and the intensity of its fragrance is almost overpowering. When I absolutely have to retrieve something from the fridge, I do it as quickly as possible, lest the sauce begin growling at me, or worse. Please. Help me. I can't deal with this alone. The fridge isn't big- 3.5'x2.5'x2.5', at most. It will probably take less than 45 minutes to clean. Anyone?  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: downtown/nw <li> Compensation: $25 for less than an hour of work <li> This is a part-time job. <li> Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li> Please, no phone calls about this job! <li> Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-12T21:39:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/447703490.html Clean Out My Mini-Fridge for $25 text Dear Cute Young Paranoid Lady http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/398503026.html Yes, I saw you. Yes, you are probably attractive to a certain demographic. Yes, I am unattractive to a larger demographic. Yes, I am middle aged and overweight. In spite of this, it is not necessary to fear me. Fox News, Nancy Grace, and KPTV Channel 12 have told you about every single murderer and rapist in existence. Please note they have never mentioned me. I am one of the very few middle aged men who have decided not to dedicate his life to committing violent crimes against women. There are indeed evil men in the world. I am not one of them. If you encounter me alone on the street you needn't quicken your pace or duck into Starbucks. If you end up in line next to me, you don't have to position a backpack or purse in the airspace between us. You needn't fail to say a muffled “excuse me” when you reach across me to grab a straw. Fleeting eye contact with me will not be interpreted as an invitation to stalk you. Even if you acknowledge my existence, I will be able to resist engaging you in an overly familiar conversation. I am not dying to get to know you. I am not trying to read the name on your credit card. I will not find it necessary to contrive an accident which allows me to touch your arm, thigh, breast, or ass. Fortunately for you I am GAY. Couldn't tell huh? There are a few of us who don't wear leather chaps, dresses, bangles, or rainbow visors. So, you see, I'm not trying to imagine you naked or catch a peek of your cleavage. Your boobs have no power over me. Can you believe it? I'm not attempting to mentally photograph you in order to fuel future masturbatory sessions. I am able to live forever without carnal knowledge of you. Should we end up the sole survivors on a deserted planet, you will remain childless and humanity will end. So, could you just calm down?   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Portland <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-16T09:45:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/398503026.html Dear Cute Young Paranoid Lady text LA Fitness Yesterday (locker room etiquette) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/394506229.html To the guy at L.A. fitness yesterday who trounced from the shower all the way back to the locker without drying off. WTF were you thinking? The huge puddle of water you left on the floor made the space unusable for others. I needed to use the space too, but couldn't because I didn't want to get my socks wet. It's a damn good thing you were outta there before I walked in. In your mind you obviously view yourself as a pillar in our society and one that we should all strive to achieve. You have no concern for anyone but yourself, and you should have some courtesy for your fellow club members. While I'm at it, let's go over some basic yet intuitive (for those who actually get life) rules for locker room etiquette - these are things I have seen at one time or another - in no particular order: 1. Get in get out. Don't dally in the locker room. It is not a place to socialize and stand around talking or reading the newspaper. When you linger in the locker room you are taking up valuable real-estate. People don't want to be on top of each other when they are changing and the longer you stay in there the more likely it is that it will start to get cramped. I really don't want to be sitting on the bench putting some socks on with some guy bending over in front of me exposing a hairy black hole inches from my face because you are in the way with the fucking newspaper. 2. No talking on the cell phone. This could go along with number one, but it needs to be mentioned in a separate line. Nobody is interested in hearing you make an appointment for your next colonic, and we're not impressed hearing you make deals with your stock broker, you are a legend in your own mind and you're not impressing anyone. In fact it demonstrates you are an idiot. Or are you really trying to take pictures? Either way you need to get out of the locker room, and not pretend to talk on the phone. Do you actually get off on the sights, smells and sounds of this room to want to stay there any longer than you need to? If so you're sicker than I thought. 3. Use a lock on your locker! It's nice that you trust nobody will steal your shit, but at the same time this is a visual indicator for others coming into the locker room where you are setting up shop. This way as other members enter the locker room they can see where the locks are placed and try to spread things out a bit and not end up on top of each other. I look around think, great I have this whole row to myself, then suddenly your sweaty ass appears opens the door next to mine and proceed to get undressed, all the while getting a good whiff of your butt cheese. Does anyone really like that smell? 4. PLEASE no foot powder on the floor! If I want foot powder I will buy my own. What makes you think you can spread this shit everywhere and that others are going to want to use it too? If you have foot problems I wouldn't be advertising it so if you can't keep it on just your foot don't use it. 5. For christ sakes wear a towel. I'm not interested in seeing your parts swinging around the room, there's nothing special going on down there, in fact why would you think anyone will want to look at it? Believe me it is disgusting to see you shaving in the mirror completely naked with hair protruding from your ass crack, have some decency man and cover it. Your wife should be explaining this to you at home, she might have been into it at one time, but I promise she is not anymore. If you are going to sit on the bench put a towel down or here's a novel idea - wear underwear - keep it covered for christ sakes. The thought of your ass crack spreading open and putting your stink down grosses me out. Also the guy with the foot powder might have just been there spreading his fungus and now your ass is really going to be hurtin. 6. Shower usage - if it is one of those shower areas with no curtains and there are two rows of showers with an aisle down the middle, use the same side as the people already in there. I'm not interested in you taking the shower across the aisle from me. I don't want to exchange pleasantries as you wash the Johnson and and spread your ass lathering up and bent over in an awkward looking stance trying to get the shower spray down there. If I wanted to shower with someone I would do it with my my paramour. I don't want to see it and I don't want you to be staring at me either. 7. The scale - other people use it too, please don't just jump out of the shower and use it. I don't run around in there with my clean bare feet - I wear socks instead. I can't get on the scale because you dripped all over it and I don't want my socks wet the rest of they day in my shoes. Think about the others in the room - it is not all about you. 8. Benches - they are a place to sit down. Not pile up your crap while you take a sauna and shower. WTF are we supposed to do when your shit is all over the bench and we need to sit to put our socks and shoes on? It's great you see the room as your house but perhaps next time I'll see it as my house and do a little cleaning of my own and throw all your shit away. 9. Muddy shoes - I don't fucking get it. Why would you walk in from your construction site and get mud everywhere? I wouldn't come to your home and trounce through your place spreading dirt everywhere. If anyone hasn't told you it is a locker room and other people use it too. I don't want to get out of the shower all clean and have to walk through your muck. If you know you'll be muddy bring an extra change of shoes and put them on before you enter. I know the smartest people in the world don't go to the club, so here's a hint - If your feet are filled with dry dirt, it comes off too, and guess what - turns to mud when it gets wet - Moron. 10. In the shower - shampoo your head and wash your body only. It is not a place to shave your dick and face. Your dick you can take care of at home, I don't want to see it. The face can be done in the sink area outside the shower area - with your towel on. The more time you spend in the shower the more likely it is that other people are going to need in and use it too, we don't want to pile up in there, waiting for the little prince to get all spiffed up. Also I don't want to be the one in there next getting your hairs all over my feet. Why would you think I would like to walk into this? 11. In the sink area. If you are going to shave, wipe up after yourself and keep it covered. Grab a paper towel and clean it up. 12. In the toilet. OK, so you drank heavily the night before had a huge dinner and suddenly its pushing at the back door, great for us huh?! Guess what - we don't want to puke. I almost did a few weeks ago - as if hearing the explosion weren't bad enough the smell drifted around the corner and thirty feet away - it took everything I had to stay conscious. While you should not be denied the use of the fixtures - please flush often, and better yet try to push it out at home first. 13. Clean up after yourself, in the locker and shower areas. Why would you leave your bandages in the shower area? WTF - I'm supposed to use the shower now and have whatever affliction ails you now oozing down between my toes? Razors, soap wrappers, soap - like I'm going to pick that up and use it after being exposed to your ass crack with your ass hairs all over it. Take it away with you. Your mother, who performed an act many years ago (again - great for us, huh?) that resulted in the - apple in her eye - does not live at the gym and is not going to come in and clean up after you. You're not the apple in her eye anymore and you sure the hell ain't in mine. YOU NEED TO PICK IT UP. For anyone who can't come in and leave a locker room as you found it, you are nothing more than a disgusting animal. Be courteous of others and keep this kind of shit at home.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Vancouver Hazel/Dell <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-11T08:15:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/394506229.html LA Fitness Yesterday (locker room etiquette) text You: gorgeous with blue eyes. Me: in your dumpster. - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/388141840.html You're hot. I mean, one of the hottest guys I've seen in Portland, easily. If you'd found me on a fun night out, when I'd had a few drinks in me and a lot more makeup on me, I'd have marched right up to you and told you so. But alas, dear missed connection, you found me in the trash. You said hi, and I locked up and spewed a weak "what's up?" What the fuck, brain? You muttered something about cleaning house and dumped a terrarium containing one dessicated cricket. I thought about asking if your pet died, but the socially conscious portions of my brain told me that would be a bad idea. Maybe your pet was the cricket? I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm willing to comfort you with open legs. Also, I found a cup containing $9. Buy you a drink?  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: NE 16th ave <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-02T20:50:23-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/388141840.html You: gorgeous with blue eyes. Me: in your dumpster. - w4m text Open Letter From A Paramedic http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/345840046.html Dear citizens of (and visitors to) Multnomah County, By and large, you're a good bunch. I enjoy providing you with the help you need when you call 911. You make my workdays (and nights) interesting. However, from time to time, I notice a few small issues -- perhaps we can call them gaps in your knowledge? -- that make my job a little bit more frustrating. Herein I offer a few simple pieces of advice to help make everyone's emergency experience more satisfying. 1. When I ask you questions, please strive to tell me the full and complete truth. There's no badge or gun on me. I'm not going to get you in trouble for being high on drugs, but I really would like to know what exactly you did. You're not fooling anyone. Likewise, I don't care who you were having sex with, where, with what exciting accessories, and what your respective spouses will think, but if it's contributed to your condition you should probably bring it up. 2. I regret to inform you life is not like TV. We do not run from the ambulance to the patient, we do not drive everyone to the hospital with lights and sirens, and most dead people stay dead despite our best efforts. On the other hand, we are not just a fancy taxi ride. I can start an IV (in your arm or leg or neck), put a breathing tube down your throat, do an EKG to see if you're having a heart attack, shock your heart if it's in a bad rhythm, and give about thirty different drugs for different medical conditions. I can do more in the short term than most nurses. I had to go to school for years. Respect me and I'll respect you. 3. In a related vein, if you could keep the drama to a bare minimum when your parent/sibling/spouse/friend/neighbor/coworker is hurt or sick, it will help everyone immensely. I understand that the situation is upsetting, and I respect your feelings, but the best thing you can do for the patient, me, and even yourself is try to remain as calm as possible. Shouting at me to do something or hurry up will not help. Yelling in general is not, in fact, helpful. Trying to keep out of our way, answering the questions we ask in a succinct and informative manner, and keeping your dramatic tendencies restrained are the absolute best thing you can do. 4. However, if it is your young child who is badly hurt or critically ill, you are allowed all the drama you want. 5. If I am trying to help you and this makes you upset for some reason, please do not try and hit me. I may not be as big and beefy as some of my coworkers. I make up for it in dirty tricks. If you do decide you'd like to tussle, I'd like to point out that you get ONE swing and it is never free. I have giant zip-ties, sedatives, and a radio that can call a whole lot of cops, who aren't nearly as nice as me. 6. If you are driving and happen to see my big vehicle with all the blinkies and woo-woos, please get the hell out of the way. Specifically, pull ALL THE WAY to the right of the street and STOP YOUR CAR. You don't know where I'm going and when I'll need to turn. Unless you're driving a Hummer I've probably got more weight than you, and if you do something stupid that I can't avoid and we stack it up, things won't come out well for you. Also I'll lose my job. 7. Finally, exercise a modicum of common sense about when to call 911. Examples of when 911 is IS appropriate: Traffic accidents with injuries. Chest pain. Trouble breathing. Lack of breathing. Serious bleeding. Unconsciousness. Seizures. Strokes. Examples of when 911 may NOT be appropriate: Blisters. Small cuts. Dissatisfaction with your fast food order. Needing a prescription refill. Colds. Minor problem (sore leg, stomachache) which has been going on for three days. Bearing all that in mind, it's a pleasure to serve you, and hopefully I won't be showing up at your doorstep, street corner, or car door anytime soon. Love, One of Your Many Hardworking (If Underpaid) County Paramedics  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-05T19:31:37-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/345840046.html Open Letter From A Paramedic text Attention: OHSU-bound Trimet Riders http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/305543598.html I have worked at OHSU for 4 years. Most of the time, I get to work on one of the many Trimet "Express" buses that serve OHSU. Obviously, these buses are 95% OHSU employees. It is also obvious that most of these riders NEVER ride the bus except to get to work, as they have no idea how to behave or what to expect on a public transit vehicle. Here are a few things to keep in mind: - Medical students, you do NOT need your stethoscope on the bus. Hanging it around your neck like some kind of "I got into Med School" medal is not impressive; in fact, you look like the asshole that you most likely are. Your snotty little haircut and brand-new airline-belt-buckle messenger bag serves as confirmation that you are a dickhead/bitchface. - Middle-aged women with gigantic* asses. Just because a seat remains on the bus, that does not mean that the seat is intended for you. If you lumber on to the bus with your huge purse, a massive lunch cooler and a bouquet of flowers (and did I mention the gigantic ass?) this means that the seat in the back row between the corner and the middle is NOT big enough for you! Do you feel your ass squeezing against the legs of the regular-size people sitting on either side of you? No? Well they do, and that's why they gave you that nasty look. *Note: a curvey or chubby ass that needs a bit of a squeeze to get into a tiny Trimet seat is perfectly understandable and acceptable. But a gigantic ass is another thing entirely, and you know who you are, ladies! - The bus driver will stop at EVERY stop. SOMEONE is getting off at EVERY stop on the Hill. You do not need to lean over me and put your disgustingly saggy tits in my face and breath your rancid coffee-and-egg-mcmuffin breath on me in order to ring the bell. Believe me, we'll be stopping at the VA. We do every morning. Every...single...morning. - Talking in the morning is strongly discouraged. Talking and laughing loudly is prohibited. Do NOT start blabbering loudly with your co-worker. Some of us have exciting and/or scandalous lives outside of OHSU and may or may not have consumed a massive quantity of alcohol last night. Talking in the afternoon is acceptable with the exception of the following topics: how hard your day was, how much you have to do tonight, anything involving your children. - No bitching about the bus being early. This is PUBLIC transportation. And in fact, as OHSU employees we pay less for it than anyone in town. This is not a car service. Don't start running (waddling?) from 10 blocks away clutching that Starbucks between your meaty claws and expect that we'll be rooting for you. Just take the regular bus downtown, catch the 8, be 10 minutes late and learn from your mistake: you don't have time for that 3rd donut before you leave the house. And by the way, it wasn't early. You were late. - The bus will be full by the time we start up the Hill. The empty seat next to you is going to be filled. Don't be one of those assholes who thinks her lunch needs a seat all to itself. Don't sit on the outside seat; scoot in and be a person who lives in a society. When someone approaches your seat and is callous enough to suggest that you should share that 2-seater, don't move your legs into the aisle and expect them to scoot in. Either slide in like a regular person, or get up and let them in (even though you have obvious entitlement issues). - The bus is NOT the place to read the newspaper stretched out to full size. Either learn to fold a newspaper "train style" or wait until later to check your horoscope. - Rolling your eyes, or sighing, or complaining when a person with a disability gets onto the bus is not only rude and intolerant, its also 100% at odds with the fact that you WORK AT A FUCKING HOSPITAL! - Enough with the flowers. Its spring, and its actually nice of you to bring flowers to work (assuming they are for someone else...oh, they're for YOUR desk? Fuck you). Some of us are very allergic to flowers, and jamming them into our face for 40 minutes is going to make the rest of the day miserable. Its obvious that no part of your brain triggers the response, "what about other people?" so I'm here to remind you that yes, there are other people on the bus. - Male nurses in Danskos. You look gay. You might be gay, and that's cool, but know that you most definitely LOOK gay. - Sometimes, we all have to stand. If you are 40+ and overweight, I will not be relinquishing my seat to you, even though I am 30 and in excellent physical condition. I'm tired too, and I'm fucking sitting down. Don't glare at me because you're too heavy and weak to stand up under your own power for 10 minutes. See you this afternoon!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-03T14:38:24-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/305543598.html Attention: OHSU-bound Trimet Riders text Anatomy of the Pelvic Exam. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/302071264.html You arrive on time. You’re grumpy. You sign in, and sit down in the waiting room. If it’s your general practitioner’s office; there is always some old person hacking up a lung next to you, or some kid with a runny nose pawing every single outdated magazine he can get his grubby little hands on. If it’s your ob/gyn office; there are two other women there, one is so pregnant she looks like she’s going to pop, and the other one is glaring at her. You fill out a page or two, and then read your magazine. You wait. Promptly (after about 40 minutes), an exhausted looking nurse in scrubs pokes her head out from the doorway and calls your name. You are led into the back, where you are put into a tiny exam room, and handed an over-washed blanket with frayed edges and a paper device, which you discover is a small vest that serves no purpose. You undress completely, tug on the paper vest, which does nothing to cover your breasts unless you hold the sides there. The linoleum is cold and sticky—you put your socks back on. You are told to sit on the table—so you do, annoyed by the paper sticking to your butt. You drape yourself with the blanket… You wait. The nurse comes back in, leaving the door wide open long enough for everyone at the records desk to see you sitting there in your paper vest and your blanket, your socked feet poking out from beneath. Dignity is everything here. The nurse puts the blood-pressure sleeve on your arm, and nearly severs your limb off she pumps it up so high. She asks you to stand on the scale, impatiently waiting for you to somehow cover yourself with the blanket. All necessary data acquired, she swoops out again, making sure the door is nice and wide open so that the patients walking by on their way out get a really good look as you try, bare-assed, to get back onto the table and to sit on the crinkly paper… You wait. After what seems to be an eternity; and you’ve pretty much memorized the drug-company advertisements on the walls, and you’ve swabbed your ears with a couple of the huge q-tips they have there, the doctor bursts in, clipboard in hand. Never once, do they make eye contact with you, they ask questions, scribble, and then start the mechanical process of turning the innocuous examination table to an instrument of torture. The stirrups are raised, the giant spotlight is turned on, and you are told to lie back… and get this… relax. You feel your legs being lifted and your heels being jammed into the stirrups. The rolling stool is pulled up, the doctor then has a tray of items brought in from the commercial freezer they keep in the back, and the spotlight is shone directly on your badge of womanhood. Mask on, the doctor ratchets up the vagina-jack. The moment you feel the cold metal on your personal property, you stiffen. After being told to relax again, and you feel like the edge of each duckbill must be sharpened by Ginzu. The doctor’s hand then reaches up, and uses the ancient martial arts move called the ‘touch of immense discomfort’ which they are trained extensively to use at medical school by ninja masters. They poke your belly a few times, and you stiffen, express your annoyance as politely as possible which they promptly dismiss with a mumble. They then reach for the implements they need to tinker around inside you like a mechanic. One quick finger up the anus, and voila. They’re done… some scribbling, with your hoohoo in the spotlight, you lay there and wonder… you wait. The doctor then turns off the light, and you are allowed to lower your legs, and they promptly advance on you with hands akimbo. Some painful pokings and squeezings and gropings of your breasts, and there is further scribbling. With a slight whoosh of air, you find yourself suddenly alone… the door slowly closing, a tiny south-American woman pushing a laundry cart smiles at you as she walks by. You feel like you should have at least been bought a dinner somewhere nice… You wait. The nurse comes back in and tells you to put your clothes back on. You may go, she says. She gives you a raggedy looking towelette to remove the KY from your nether regions. You dress quickly, and escape. Good times were had all around. The end.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Dr. Evil <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-28T13:06:10-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/302071264.html Anatomy of the Pelvic Exam. text Dear Males http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/298667342.html Ah darlings, I quit. I don't give up easily but when it comes to you & finding one of you who won’t drive me up the wall, I have come to the decision to throw my arms up in the air & stomp away. You impossible, delicious bastards! I don't understand how you work or maybe it's the Universe just thinking it's funny to fuck with my poor brain. When I want a relationship I get all these perverts thinking its impressive & proper behavior to tell me how big their penis is within the first 5 minutes of meeting me. When I want a meaningless fling ranging to fuck buddy I can find a guy to screw but then all the sudden they are deeply infatuated with me & I can't, frankly, stand them as a person for more than the drunken conversation over beers & sex talk. Don't even get me started on the raging psychos that I've been stupid enough to meet off the M4W...yeah YOU. Nuts. Oh christ & while I'm at it...old guys. Stop it. Just stop. I don't know what makes you think that leering at me, sending me dirty pictures, or telling me I'm hot is going to do, but it's certainly NOT going to make me want to date you, do you, or little else besides sitting there all night being squicked out because some creepy, hairy, old man who looks like my Dad just told me I had nice boobs. Every guy who has given me a glance of appreciation, I always smile back if interested...give due notice to say I am open to conversation perhaps? I've posted a million Missed Connections looking for those STUPID STUPID males who give me a shit-eating grin as they get off the bus. Could you have maybe done that a few minutes BEFORE your stop perhaps? That would be nice. Look, I'm not taking a flying leap off a bus just because you smiled at me. If you think I am worth smiling at, do it sooner or just don't. I have places to go, like class, for which I cannot be late no matter how cute you are (Johnny Depp & Jeff Goldblum are the only exceptions). Now, before I get yelled at, I have approached guys I am interested in. I have made efforts. I have had some successes with it, just not many. It kind of sucks. But, to my original point...I quit. I am done making all this effort for a bunch of slack jawed incompetents, psychopaths, jealous maniacs, & the like. I'm just not approaching anyone or even searching for anyone period anymore. Whatever happened to chivalry anyways? Whatever happened to the aggressive male? The one who takes charge of a situation? Jeezus. I hear all these guys whining about how their girlfriend is materialistic, a drama queen, shallow, & boring. Well, all signs should have pointed to this almost immediately were you not blinded by a size 2 waist & tits the size of tasty casaba melons. (Before someone calls me a lard ass, I am of average shape, have a gym membership that I faithfully use, & my tits are spectacular) You met her in a sports bar, when she was wearing her Prada sandals, had her real Coach bag, & used enough hairspray to drown a moose in. She made you buy her every drink, interrupted to talk on her cell phone, & put out the first night. Uh, duh? Please stop complaining about your stupid girlfriend when you were stupid enough to completely ignore the fact that she's generally stupid in the first place & continually ignored it past the second "date" mark & are STILL ignoring it past the 6 month to the 3 year mark. Shut up shut UP! Me, and the many females like me, in our self-ripped jeans & hoodies with little to no make-up & a working knowledge of FPSes, billiards, zombie movies, drinking games, & awesome strip clubs get to sit in the backseat to the spangly, shiny, snotty ladies who spend 2 hours getting ready to go to their freaking friend's house. We don't understand this. We don't grasp the concept of wearing high heels to shit hole bars or the need to spend over $20 on a shirt or a stupid purse that we hate carrying but have to anyways. We hate malls, we hate people who take longer than 30 minutes in a shower (it does take some time to shave you know), & most importantly we don't get why in good fucking christ anyone would tattoo their OWN name on the small of their back. If anyone could fill me in on that, please do. That would rule. So in summation, you do not know how freaking awesome I am, or any of the other girls like me, & even if you do notice you don't take any initiative whatsoever on your part. Girls like me; we want someone who will take control for once. We like manly men. Not sissy-pants in girl jeans with more hair products than us. Since you have chosen to ignore this fact I will no longer be approaching any of you, or actively looking for any of you to become the person who not only rocks my mind, but my naughty little body as well. You will find me in a shit hole dive bar tossing back whiskey & cheap beer. You will find me sitting in the square staring at people waiting for them to do something stupid, you will find me on the bus & the MAX rocking out to the Deftones, Dredg, & other assorted super awesome bands. If you're good at navigating Powell’s, I'm there too. I'm the girl who's drooling slightly & giggling at the massive pile of books I've managed to accumulate. You will find me in libraries busting my ass to pass all these classes I take in order to make sure I am a well-educated & successful person. If you can find an abandoned house, I might be in there, or have been in there because exploring those things is fucking AWESOME except the spiders. Screw spiders. I'm not down with those. Where you won’t find me; however, is on the lookout for a new man. I've decided I have my life to live & I am tired of running into complete trolls & dead ends. My time is precious & you guys completely insist on wasting it. It's gotten old hat, to say the least. If you want me, come get me. Otherwise, have fun looking for cute new cell phone charms with those other broads. Reluctant little <3, Me **EDIT** Thanks a lot for nominating me for "Best Of," & all your awesome emails. I really appreciate it. Ok so maybe not all of you are jerkfaces & for that you earn 5 points, but I'm still not lookin' for a date ;)  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Portland <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-22T14:51:40-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/298667342.html Dear Males text To the pale skinned beauty at PDXLAN - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/281479968.html We locked eyes over the glow of a flat panel monitor, I know I felt a connection as I raised an eyebrow at you while knifing someone in BF2. Something tells me you were having the same thoughts I was, that the only thing better than hitting the boost in flatout 2 would be having someone under your desk while you burn through that home stretch to take the gold. If your heart burns as strongly as mine at the thought of my hand softly guiding yours as you take aim in CS:S, then maybe I can be the water cooling for your overclocked hormones. You: Wearing too tight clothing, probably some cat ears, likely did a lot of walking around in the aisles pretending you didn't like everyone checking you out. Me: Lumpy in all the wrong places, socially awkward, can't talk to girls  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-02-19T19:48:22-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/281479968.html To the pale skinned beauty at PDXLAN - m4w text I quit Cold turkey http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/279209894.html I quit masturbating last week, and I'm not Mormon. Soak that in a second. So I've got it in my head that as soon as the eve of my 30th birthday passed, I no longer wanted sex. You know. I was old. Besides, without a reliable source of sexual activity, there was no true way to know for sure, just this thought in my head that once I turned 30, I'm supposed to drive slower, worried about finances more, and spend less time thinking about sex. As such, I went from an every-morning habit, to say, every otherish. You know, the motor needs less maintenance now. I'm 30. Enter new girl. She's this cute little thing that makes me laugh a lot. She's also got this completely slammin' body that well, that's none of you damned business. Anyway, because I'm 30, I now feel that with my self-imposed-decreased sex drive, it's time to uh, save it up. NO PROBLEM! I'll see her 3 times a week or so, for the next 6-8 months we'll be in that "sexual bliss" stage of the relationship where we basically preface and footnote every event with a good shag, so well, no need for routine maintenance. After that, we'll get into an argument about nose hair trimmings or used tampons or something, and we'll finally realize we're into a relationship; thus it'll be more important that I hang out with her friends at a poetry slam about Enchiladas than curl her toes EVERY night, so I'll be able to fill some gaps in here and there. Problem being? My over-thinking-neurotic-brain hasn't taken into account that we're both busy people, our schedules don't always line up, and I've now gone 6 days without sex. Day 1: It's not so bad today. I realize that it's more of a force of habit, much like a smoker with nothing to do. After deleting and throwing all forms of pornography (mostly a non-binding resolution that...it's not hard to get back with a few clicks and some simple math; I've been doing this computer security stuff for years, I'm an EXPERT at undeleting shit), I turn on PBS, and grab a book. Day 2: It's now becoming a bit of a pain to actually think about. I have to REMIND MYSELF not to. I turned on PBS again, but it was a documentary on the Washington Monument. Instead I read engineering manuals, and walked the dog a lot. Day 3: I'm now on the longest self-dry-spell since the great broken wrist of '92. That went 3 days, and ended when I finally learned one absolute fact: When under dire stress, the human being can suddenly become ambidextrous. Baggy pants are no match for a stiff breeze. Day 4: Miss perfect is out having drinks with friends. I tried to see if she'd need a ride home. She told me she had a ride. While I'm willing to post an anonymous CL post to the fact, we're not quite to the point where I can simply tell her it's a manipulative ploy to fuck her senseless. I think the dog knows what I'm going through, as he's nowhere in sight. I put on a shirt I wore this last weekend and it smelled just like her perfume. That shirt is now charcoal. Day 5: I'm about to crack. I'd quit this nonsense now and do the quickest data restore in modern history, but I'm seeing her TOMORROW. I have no idea how long it takes to reload the ole' wheel gun. The last thing I can do at this point is fizzle in the sack. Luckily, I'm on shift at the station tonight, so I'll be completely without privacy. Dog sent a note, something about a dangerous living situation; he sent me a link to a mormon website and told me he'd come home if I'd convert: <a href="http://www.nowscape.com/mormon/mormast2.htm">http://www.nowscape.com/mormon/mormast2.htm</a> I tried #11, but the owner/operator of the fishing tackle store kicked me out when I told him what they were for and voiced concerns about a nightcrawler's general toxicity. Day 6: I see her in 10 hours, 6 minutes, and 18, 17, no wait 16 seconds. I came into the office instead of working from home. I sit next to the HR department, where they're talking about who's been screwing who. I hate them. I miss the dog. I miss PBS. I miss my 20's. Somebody help me.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: SW PDX <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-02-15T11:24:42-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/279209894.html I quit Cold turkey text Helpful tips for the Employed Urban Potsmoker http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/252203398.html Ah, the joys of catching a buzz during the middle of your workday. For the employed urban skyscraper dweller it is nearly impossible to find oneself the sort of locked, isolated supply closet with exterior ventilation (to which only you have access) that would allow imbibing with impunity during the working day. No, many of us, if we want to catch a buzz between 9 and 5 we must do it commando style: in the streets. If your going to be out there on the mean streets getting high amongst all the squares, then your going to need some tips, kid. The following applies to your typical downtown urban setting and is the result of several years of fine-tuning my technique. 1) Mints, mints, mints - but then you already knew this. Smoking pot at work is definitely journeyman level stuff, and not for the beginner. Alcohol prep pads will knock down the hand smell enough to get to the bathroom to wash your hands. You'll also need a long jacket of a non-porous so the scent can't get into your clothes. 2) Joints on the street are probably going to be your best option. Everything else is too much paraphernalia. If you can't pre-roll, a film canister and a pair of scissors will mill anything to a smokable consistency rapidly, I recommend a bathroom stall. If one is forced to use a communal bathroom, particularly odorous specimens can me masked by the "fart spray" available at most novelty stores. 3) You should avoid rolling joints that looks like joints. Lose the pinners. Instead fill up most of the joint with a roll of cardboard (kind of like a "filter") so that the desired product is concentrated at one end of the spliff. Besides fattening up your spliff so that it looks like a cig, it allows the remnants to be quickly thrown aside into the sewer grate, ivy, or whatnot. However, she will smoke quick and hard. Depending on how much you've loaded onto the end of your cardboard tube, it can be all gone in a few puffs. And then we flicks the rest away like a used up butt. 4) Move yourself about on the street. Don't huddle in one place and look like some little pot troll. Stride quickly like you're late for a important meeting, and you're sucking down a quick butt because you're fucking pissed that everyone else in the world is so slow and incompetent. Not so much that you attract attention you wouldn't otherwise have, but enough to where if someone really gets a good look at you their impression will be "Damn, she's on her way to somewhere important!". As such take short, hard drags - more like a cig. Let a little air in around the base as you inhale. It will make for a more even burn and the cool air will moderate the harsh clouds coming from the fat, quickly burning sticky-ickies. 5) Choose your routes wisely. Always walk somewhere where the modified spliff can be tossed aside in a way that prevents recovery from law enforcement or overzealous citizens. Overpasses are a great thing. As are bodies of water. Think like your enemy: the bicycle cop. Be able to flick that piece of evidence somewhere where even some angry, overzealous officer wouldn't bother to tread. Not everyone is going to have great options available to you. The worse your disposal options, the shorter the marijuana section on your modified cardboard spliff will have to be. If you only option is a lione sewer grate, have a shorty and hit it up 30 feet away. By the time you've take the two or three hits it takes to get there, you'll be 90% done and can toss it right away. 6) Don't follow the same route habitually. If you are in the same places every day doing the same thing it's easy for someone that has caught a whiff to make trouble for you. That being said, you don't have to mix it up too much. If you vary your routes and times even slightly it makes it much more difficult to be ambushed. No one gets fired up about a lone roving pot smoker enough to lay in wait for hours to try to catch you. However, if the same grumpy old man keeps getting it rubbed in his face day after day you never know what he's apt to do. 7) Give yourself a little breather. Don't go right back to work. Spend three or four minutes sucking on your mint and looking at the pretty birdies. Then get the paper and retire to the shitter, or otherwise avoid human contact for as long as is feasible or until your sure the last of the vapors have lifted from your skin. 8) There. That's better. Back at work, hummin' and grooving along. 9) Do I smell taquitos?   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-12-21T16:03:46-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/252203398.html Helpful tips for the Employed Urban Potsmoker text Maddening Phrases from w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/241793692.html Every so often someone posts a list of problems with the dismal personal ads here on CL Portland. I always enjoy reading them. I'm a 30 y.o. male who is fit, attractive and relatively successful. I've gone on 3 CL dates in the past year. 2 were 1-date outings, the 3rd became a girlfriend who I still care about. All were beautiful, funny and cool in general. Here's some phrases which did NOT appear in their ads: 1) Partner in crime. You think its witty, but it is not. Its past hackneyed, past cliche. At this point its almost kitch. Besides, no one actually wants a partner in crime. You want a partner in playing pool, or hiking, or drinking, or in life, or in marriage, or in child-raising, etc. Say what you mean. If you think "partner in crime" is funny, its a red flag that you are not, so please do not try. 2) Not a barbie doll. Often paired with "but not a fattie either". We get it. No one is a barbie doll. No normal guys even want a barbie doll. We want a woman. Women have curves. Men vary greatly in how "curvy" they like their women. I like petite girls with small chests and round bubble asses. Other guys like huge tits and really big calves. So TELL US! There is a HUGE range of body types in between "barbie doll" and "fattie" so give us a clue. You may be surprised how many more responses you get when you're honest with us (and yourself) and get specific about your body. 3) Numbered lists. Ugh. No good man will respond to a list of "requirements" or a list of qualities about you. Use the narrative form; its much more enjoyable for the reader. Not to mention, a man can get a sense of you and your personality from how you write (even if you're not a great writer). Skip the bullet points, this isn't a sales presentation. It really isn't. 4) Boyfriend application. Screams STUCK UP BITCH. "But wait, I was just being funny!" No, you weren't. At least, that isn't how it comes off to someone on the other end. Maybe sitting in your room with your girlfriends, you're giggling about it, but its really just dumb. And at this point, cliche (see number 1). 5) I have herpes. Self-deprecation, used tastefully, can be charming and make others feel at ease. But announcing the one thing you're least proud of about yourself in the title of your post is not a wise move. I often think these women don't really even want a date, they are just venting in a place where they can get frustrated with men. But if you are dating with herpes (20% or more of people are, so its not the end of the world) then don't mention it right away. The thing to do is get to know someone, build a little trust, and then talk about it. 6) I'm fat. More self-deprecation. But this move is just as bad as being misleading or lying about your body type. You may think you're fat. But not everyone will. Further, there are a lot of ways women attract men, and body type is just one of them. Don't get fooled by the 3 idiots on here who bash overweight women every day. Look around; there are overweight couples everywhere. You could be one of them, but not if you turn the guy off in the first 2 words of your ad. 7) Just got out of a long-term relationship. Who the hell wants to be the rebound? Ok, ok...some guys like rebound girls because its a guaranteed fuck and they can treat you like shit afterward. Do you want a guy like that? Do you want to get hurt again? Nice guys won't go for a girl on the rebound. So even if you are, don't mention it. You never know what might happen, so don't put yourself in a little box before you've even looked inside. 8) Hot horny girls want sex in your neighborhood today! Just kidding... 9) I need a date for a wedding or office party. Often, these women are attractive. And the appeal of a specific date idea instead of a non-specific "I want a man" posting cannot be denied. BUT, why don't these girls have any male friends they can take? Here's what to do: find a guy and go for a drink or coffee, THEN if you like him, invite him to the party. He'll feel special, and not like some piece of meat you're schlepping around so you aren't embarassed by being alone. 10) Movie quotes. This is the absolute worst thing you can do, in my opinion. I know my share of movie quotes too, but give us an ORIGINAL thought. Song lyrics are nearly as bad, but since music can bring people together like no other medium, lyrics are excusable. But skip the movie quotes unless your absolute favorite pasttime is watching movies or your quote is from something obscure. Note: Wedding Crashers is not an obscure film.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-29T15:09:09-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/241793692.html Maddening Phrases from w4m text Breast Feeding http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/238400060.html I happened to be on an Airplane from Shrevesport two weeks ago. Those tend to be small and crowded. I sat next to a young lady, perhaps 20 or so. She was carrying a small child, who was quite unhappy with the pressure changes and all. She got up several times to go to the bathroom, each time I had to rise to let her out. I knew she was comforting the child, I even asked her if she wished the aisle seat. She blushed and said she preferred the inside seat. The flight got a little rough, the seat belt light came on along with a warning from the Captain, and he wasn't kidding, it got very rough. She looked quite miserable, the child was crying. The ears of the very young are quite sensitive, they have not learned to compensate so nursing is very beneficial at times like that. When the flight began to calm I mentioned to her that it was all right to comfort her child at her seat, I did not mind. She smiled and thanked me, I suppose the fact that I am obviously a bit grandfatherly relaxed her. So she did, I simply read my book. Several around noticed but none took offense. One funny thing, the steward came by, a young man of perhaps 30 or so, bringing soft drinks. This was after things had settled down a bit. She was asleep, as was the child. It had a solid locklip on her breast, both were quite content. He asked me if my daughter wanted anything, I got some Orange juice for her and set it on her tray. She woke up soon after, drank it and thanked me. I even got to hold the child for awhile, a wonderful feeling bringing back some memories of my youth and my own children. I confess to a small tear in my eyes at touching a hand nearly as small as my index finger. Perhaps my being much older makes a difference, but breastfeeding is a wonderful thing to see. Even as a male, a tiny child pressing to my chest feels just fine. Look down on it all you wish, those who do are fools. Women should feed their children as nature intended, they will be stronger and healthier as a result. I see nothing wrong with it, if bashful or in a highly public place, a simple blanket will suffice. If not, that does not matter, it did not for the young lady sharing a long trip with me. My wife nursed ours until they turned to solid foods, often in public. Not one time did anyone say anything. It might be time for some to rub a bit of the blue off their noses, this is a very silly thing to take any offense at. Courtesy would dictate that we simply go on our way and let the young mothers be. It is just nature at work.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> Location: NBD <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-21T22:07:29-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/238400060.html Breast Feeding text From your waitress http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/205060189.html Hi. I'm your waitress. Can we talk? This is a codependant relationship, and if it's going to work out, we need to get a few things straight. I really want this relationship to work because we both know we need each other. You want to eat in a place that makes you feel welcome, and I want to make a living and meet nice people. If we both move on to other restaurants, we'll encounter the same issues with other people, so there's no point in breaking up. But if you want to keep coming to my restaurant, I need to lay out my boundaries: 1) Yes, I am here to serve you. I even want to like you. Really, I do. So if we are having a bad day, let's not take it out on each other, OK? I won't snarl at you for ordering one of those skinny-decaf-soy lattes-with-not-a-speck-of-foam if you won't growl at me for forgetting you ordered water with no ice. Let's start out on the right foot and smile at each other. 2) I am a good waitress, but I am not super-human. If there are 100 other people in the restaurant clamoring for attention, I can't run errands endlessly just for you. Sweetener for your coffee? You got it. Skim milk instead of the half-and-half on the table? Ok. Another napkin? No problem. A to-go box? A slice of lemon? Fine. More hot water? Side of sour cream? Yup. Directions to the zoo? Crayons for your daughter? ALL RIGHT. Just try and ask for as many things at once as you can at once, rather than have me scamper back and forth from your table like a golden retriever who never tires of the ball. Please. 3) There are some folks out there who object to the tipping system, and actively protest by not tipping their servers. This is like starving your cat because you object to the cost of pet food. Write your congressman, start a petition, or run for office on a "no tipping" platform that will revolutionize the industry. Be my guest - it's a weird system, and a change wouldn't hurt. But depriving us of our livelihood isn't going to do anything constructive. 4) Guys. Do you know how many of you come in and make eyes at me? Ever wondered why you have a "thing" for waitresses? I'll tell you why: I always smile at you, and I bring you everything you ask for. You're probably not getting THAT in your personal life. Who is, come to think of it? You idealize me because I do everything to serve your needs and I never complain. Just bear in mind that in my personal life, the apron comes off, and I have needs and issues, just like everyone else. And by the way, staring at my boobs while asking me out is not a good tactic for getting a date. Waitresses keep telling you this fact on CL forums and in magazine articles and whatnot, and yet you keep staring at our boobs and asking us on dates. It's the darndest thing. 5) Girls. It's not my fault your boyfriend is staring at my boobs while I serve the two of you. Please don't tip 5 percent to get back at me. I'm just as disgusted as you are, sister. 6) Parents. Listen. A restaurant is full of hot things, pointy things, and slippery things that might hurt little Jimmy. Pinchy things, and big things that fall from above. Please keep an eye on the wee ones. Some kids are absolutely delightful and well-behaved, so I know it's possible to keep them in line, but some parents just pump their kids full of sugar and let them loose like rabid little pygmies. It's rather alarming to find Jimmy in the kitchen trying to empty a soup pot over his sister's head. For a start, he should at least have a Food Handler's permit. 7) Yes, you can split the bill, but splitting it eight ways with eight cards is a bit much. Four is stretching it, even. If you're meeting seven friends for dinner, perhaps you could all bring cash and just throw it all into the pot. Just a suggestion. It works really well and saves you waiting extra time while your bills gets sorted. Not only does splitting the bill and running all those cards take up a ton of time and concentration, I usually don't have eight pens on my person so you can all sign at once. I've usually given all my pens out to the kids by then, and getting them back can be tricky. 8) I realize this is Oregon, and we're all proud that we do our bit to make the planet a more sustainable place. We recycle, we buy local, and we pour leftover water on the plants outside. But it's awfully hard to run a restaurant without violating a few environmental precepts, so I'm sorry, but the Splenda is NOT biodynamic. The ten-minute lecture on sustainability (while I'm busy trying to split a bill with 8 credit cards) is not going to change that. ... and you are starting to get "rant spittle" at the corners of your mouth. Here's a napkin. 9) You know what time we close. Please stop coming in with two minutes to spare, then sit there for an hour, dawdling over your lunch and reading the paper from cover to cover. Sure, I enjoy talking with you after everyone's gone, but this is not your house, and I have to be somewhere. I've been here for ten hours and I'm tired. Please finish your meal and leave. 10) Oh, and a last one for the guys again: PLEASE do not take a magazine into the only bathroom in the place and stay there for ten minutes. That's just gross. I love you, Portland. I know we can make this work. Big hugs, Your waitress  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around PDX <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-09T10:37:42-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/205060189.html From your waitress text You: creepy old guy with a ponytail - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/198385182.html You: Middle aged man sporting a long graying ponytail while walking downtown Portland this afternoon. You were wearing a tacky hawaiian print t-shirt and Oakleys that were most likely purchased in the late 80's to early 90's. Me: A dose of reality. You thought you were looking pretty smooth this afternoon as you strutted your stuff down 5th avenue, repeatedly looking behind you and eying the innocent young girl that was trying to mind her own business. After about six or seven times of stopping and turning around to stare, you pulled a fast one and decided to let her pass you, allowing yourself the convenience of staring at her ass as you made your way down the sidewalk. There you walked, breathing heavily like a creepy old pervert with asthma, getting your fill of an ass so young it could easily be your daughter's. You didn't notice the quickness in the girl's pace as you began hitting on her (while her heels once made a soft click...click on the pavement, they were now at a more persistent click-click-click, as she attempted to avoid you. You have no idea how hard it is to speedwalk in heels!). You asked the girl if she knew where the nearest leather shop was. You've got some boots that need work. You know, motorcycle boots. You have a motorcycle. You like to ride motorcycles. Does she? Your efforts were thwarted as your victim darted sideways into an office building, escaping further harassment by mere seconds. Listen, unfortunate looking old guy with a ponytail, not even Fabio could pull off a creepy pick-up move like that. If you keep doing that someday you might get a swift kick to the nuts (you have no idea how painful a heel to the nuts could be!). Please, to avoid future humiliation, stick to picking up your women at Wal-Mart and biker bars. The hairier they are, the more willing they will be to go home and sleep with you. Also, try to make sure they're legal (since you seem to like the young ones). Have a nice day.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Downtown PDX <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-08-24T13:15:21-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/198385182.html You: creepy old guy with a ponytail - w4m text Letter to my Yard Moles http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/197896295.html Dear Mound Makers- Look, I am keenly aware that you were here prior to me buying the house. I am also aware that you were here before the house was built. This land is your land…I get that. The thing is that I’m stressed out about you taking over my lawn. I don’t give a mole’s ass if you come up for air in the nooks and crannies of my yard. They’re yours. But, please, for the love of god and all things holy, leave my lawn alone. I’ve researched several solutions to our co-habitation challenge: however, experts agree that the only real solution is your demise. I do have a trap out in the garage, in fact, it came with the house. I don’t know if you or your friends have seen these things…they’re terrifying. I’d be happy to show it to you if you’d like. I’ll leave it by the large dirt mound (the one you favor) on my front lawn. Don’t worry, I won’t set it; it’s simply for display and educational purposes. Go ahead, touch it, get a feel for it. You know, I’ll even leave a latte next to it so you can ponder your decision in comfort. I’m hoping we can work this out in a civil fashion, and so, I would appreciate a meeting of the minds with those in charge. Yes, take me to your leader…the decision maker. Perhaps we can agree to a homeopathic solution; one that won’t cause you any harm or discomfort. Please consider my offer and respond accordingly. Civilly yours, Property Owner   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around West Linn <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-08-23T12:06:20-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/197896295.html Letter to my Yard Moles text SUPER NICE THUMBTACK......ONLY $.07 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/197842631.html I ASSUME YOU ARE KEENLY AWARE OF THIS PRODUCT AND IT'S VALUE. YOU MAY HAVE SEEN ONE OF THESE ON ANTIQUE'S ROADSHOW OR POSSIBLY E-BAY. TRUST ME ON THIS: MINE IS MUCH, MUCH NICER!!!! PRODUCT DESCRIPTION: a. LUCITE WITH A STEEL TIP b. TRENDY AND MINIMALISTIC!!!! c. DATE OF MANUFACTURE: APRIL 2005 d. I AM ORIGINAL OWNER...CAN PROVIDE DOCUMENTATION. e. VERY SHARP!!! f. SPECS: .38" long .02 grams in weight g. NOT A KNOCK-OFF....THIS IS THE "REAL DEAL" THIS TACK WILL BE AVAILABLE TO A GOOD HOME ONLY. REFERENCES MAY BE REQUIRED. IT WAS PURCHASED FROM OFFICE DEPOT IN EARLY SUMMER OF 2005 AND IS AS NEW. MY LOSS CAN BE YOUR GAIN!!!!!! ALTHOUGH THERE IS A GREAT DEAL OF SENTIMENTAL VALUE I HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH THIS TRANSACTION AND WISH THE TACK WELL IN IT'S JOURNEY. PLEASE NO DEALERS OR INTERNATIONAL BUYERS!!!!! JUST TO CLARIFY THE PRICE IS $.07 USD...I WILL ONLY BE ACCEPTING POSTAL MONEY ORDERS, CERTIFIED BANK CHECKS OR COLD HARD CASH (OR COIN FOR THAT MATTER). THANK YOU CRAIGLISTERS FOR LOOKING. GOOD DAY.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around the pearl <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-08-23T10:22:54-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/197842631.html SUPER NICE THUMBTACK......ONLY $.07 text Here's an idea... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/186268282.html How about we all meet in a park for a picnic? All the rants and ravers face to face with hot dogs and potato salad-- wouldn't that be fun? And so that we could identify one another, here are some guidelines for coming: All the Christians bring bibles-- but they should be the really big ones like a family bible so that we can all see how big the bible is in your life. All the non-Christians wear black. Fat haters-- print out your collection of obese women and pin them all over your clothes so we will immediately know how you feel on the inside. Also, be sure to bring your size 6 girlfriends and wives. Men who love to post pictures of nudes -- come in a g-string or thong. Or just let your penis stick out of your pants if you don't have a g-string or thong. Martyrs and victims bring a really big life size cross and don't ever put it down-- not even when you want to put relish and mustard on your hot dog. Get someone else to do that for you. Conservatives and liberals wear all white. Don't worry if we can't tell you apart because you're really not all that different and white shows how perfect you are. Bush/war supporters bring pictures of your children in their uniforms or even better, their pictures from Iraq. Or, bring that flag folded into a triangle shape that you received in their honor. If you don't have children, wear your uniform or fatigues if you are just on leave. Hummer/SUV drivers bring pictures of your last off road experience in your car. Also, bring us back our ozone. All the Portland haters-- bring your suitcase cause we're going to take a collection and buy you tickets to leave. People who love Portland-- bring roses. All of you who hate people of other races-- don't bring anything; just wear your really cool white outfit with the matching pointy hat. The guys who hate homosexuals can bring their collection of gay porn, their copies of M4M ads and their collection of show tunes so that we can have some music. Women haters get to bring the beer. Everyone who likes to post pictures of your cats-- bring your cats. Duh! Pit bull owners can bring your pit bulls! Be sure to sit in the section with the cat owners and prove to everyone how your dog wouldn't hurt a living soul. Women who post pictures of their breasts and thong-clad butts-- stay home. Your need for male attention is really annoying. We will recognize the guy who says to only marry foreign women. He will be the one with a woman following a couple steps behind him... or maybe it will be two or three women. Porkland-- remember to wear sunglasses. The world outside your basement is awfully bright. Bring sunscreen. It'll be great to see everyone in person! I'll bring a first aid kit.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-25T16:25:39-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/186268282.html Here's an idea... text Don't Touch Me (pregnancy rant) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/185648810.html You heard me, don't touch me. That means you. I do not want you touching my belly. Yes, I know, "it's a miracle" and "it's so interesting" but it's my body; not yours. Move away from my belly. If you are so tempted to touch, ASK FIRST and when, if, I tell you "NO", respect my answer. Do not attempt to change my mind. Do not ask incredulously, "Why not?" Do not tell me that I'm not being fair. Do not pout and do not ask again. You wouldn't expect to touch a non-pregnant woman's belly; do not expect to touch mine. I don't care to share my "miracle" with you. That is something for my husband and me. And while you are at it, stop wagging your finger at me if I have a glass of wine. Don't tell me I shouldn't eat tuna or sushi or anything else for that matter. I am a grown woman and intelligent human being (likely more intelligent and educated than you) and I have consulted my doctor regarding all consumables that I have any desire to consume. If I'm drinking my one-a-week glass of wine, I'd like to enjoy it without your hysterical reaction. Europeans have no issue with a glass and thousands of women before me have indulged much more than I. If I'm having sushi, I don't need your eyeballs falling out because you "can't believe I would risk it". Like the wine, my doctor okayed sushi and any number of other foods you may not approve. Unless you are my doctor or my husband, you may keep your opinions to yourself; I'm not interested. In fact, I'm probably less interested in your opinion than you are of hearing my opinions on your beliefs on abortion (pregnancy has made me more pro-choice than ever), your scoundrel of an ill-behaved child and thus, your rearing techniques, your likely lack of intelligence and/or common sense, not to mention decorum and tact, your hairstyle or the sludge you find acceptable to eat. btw, to the idiot that says it's a little late to be saying 'no touching' now that I'm knocked up - if you read the first paragraph of my post, it's pretty clear that I don't have a problem with my husband touching me ("That is something for my husband and me."). My husband has privileges with me that you and everyone else do NOT have, just as he had before I became pregnant.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around pdx <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-24T09:40:03-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/185648810.html Don't Touch Me (pregnancy rant) text J...Can't wait to screw you senseless - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/181802956.html Sorry for yet another CL post to a "J", but I just had to and this is my first one, so back off folks. I mean that with all the kindness I can muster in my current state of total sexual frustration, due to "J". J, I can't explain why I can't resist you, but holy fuck, I must have you. Alot. Like over and over until we are both sore and then a few more times, please. Honestly, I have tried to think about you in a purely platonic way, but to no avail. I try to think about you in professional situations, like if you had to give a presentation at work. Still wanna do ya. I think about you in boring, daily, situations, like you waiting on line at the bank. Would love to screw you there too. How about if you were sick, all stuffy and grouchy? Oh, I would take really good care of you then! Basically, my lust for you is now at near epic proportions. When we talk or email, I will probably attempt to pretend like it is no big deal, because you are not here, my vibrator is showing serious signs of wear and tear, and I am still trying to cling to a very thin thread of dignity and composure. I may seem fine, but my panties are wet. When I do see you, I will try to act like a civilized human being. I think that is what you want, but it is hard to say because I can't think straight when you talk to me because all I want to do is ravage you. All I hear is "Wha, wha, wha, wha, wha". You look great when you are saying whatever it is though. Totally hot. If you do not want to go on a very intense sexual exploration with me every time I see you, then please remember the following: 1. Do not make direct eye contact with me. 2. Do not smile. 3. Do not glance in my direction,then look down at the ground,even when you think I am not looking. Trust me, I've got my eyes on you. 4. Do not laugh at my jokes. 5. Do not be helpful or thoughtful. 6. Do not lick or bite your lips. 7. Do not walk quickly past me or stand close to me so that I can smell you. 8. Do not look "rumpled sexy" or "put together hot". 9. Do not eat or drink anything. I think about oral then. 10. Do not make any sounds that could be construed as sexual in any way. This means no sighing, gasping, moaning, whispering, "mmmmmm..."ing or "hmmmm..."ing. Actually, talking at all is bad because the sound of your voice gets me off. 11. Do not ever, EVER touch me. Not even with a fingertip. I guess that about wraps it up. I'm glad were friends. Can we fuck now?   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around driven to distraction <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-13T19:41:30-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/181802956.html J...Can't wait to screw you senseless - w4m text To my neighbor the sex god http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/177707570.html You sir are a sex god. I know you are because I have heard so many different women screaming in mind and body shaking orgasm's. I have heard up to three different women in one night screaming. I know you are not just watching a porno because I look out and see different cars in the driveway. I also have to comend you on your obvious stamina. Have you noticed we live in a duplex? That our bedrooms are seperated by a wall of rather dubious construction? Could I be so brazen as to offer some constructive critisism? First banging thier heads against our poorly constructed wall is not good practise. Although I am sure you have already fucked their brains out, there could be other things in there that might be injured. It's just unsafe. Also considering how the wall is constructed I live in fear of waking one night to see their hgead poked through the wall and them staring at me. Please back up a foot or so. Second all that screaming is not only waking me it is giving me a headache. Could I suggest either pillows over their faces or panties in their mouths? Thank you PS when is it my turn?  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Vancouver <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-02T10:05:59-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/177707570.html To my neighbor the sex god text To the Jewish guy watching gay porn near the Bagdad http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/177355002.html My friend wanted to say sorry for yelling "Pervert!" really loud by your window. He didn't think you could hear and it was kind of weird that we could see right into your window from the sidewalk and see a menorah on the sill and hardcore gay porn on the tube. Either way we just wanted you to know that we think you're creepy, not a pervert. Sincerely, The People Who Interrupted Your Evening Masterbation Session  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-01T00:01:33-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/177355002.html To the Jewish guy watching gay porn near the Bagdad text My horrible date after I noticed... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/153431832.html So I was waiting for this woman I met online for our first date, drinks on the waterfront. She was late. I sat nervously, looking around. Maybe she was here already and spying on me. I hate that. But then she walks in. I recognized her instantly, and she me. She walked up, smiling, offered her hand and said "I'm Pam. Sorry I'm late. Busy week at the office; I'm an accountant and April is the worst..." I grabbed her arm, pulled her down to her seat and hissed in her ear. "Pam, we are surrounded by strangers! Don't you think you could be more discreet?" She was puzzled, or pretended to be. So I explained how foolish it was to tell me, a stranger, what she did for a living, not to mention advertising it to the whole bar. And, I thought to myself, not to mention the creepiness of such an inappropriate personal disclosure upon first meeting. What next, a description of her last orgasm? I shuddered inside. We ordered drinks and talked. I whispered with appropriate caution; her conversational tone struck me as a bit too likely to be overheard, but I smiled and tried to ignore it. I felt sorry for her. I'd walk her to her car later to make sure no one followed her. She continued to offer intimate information, and to ask questions that made me uneasy. "Do you have brothers and sisters?" I vaguely alluded to siblings, but not to their genders, or even whether they were still alive. I do have siblings, but I have to protect them too. "What part of town do you live in?" I tried to stay calm. How could she ask that? Was she a stalker? Or just trying to gauge my wealth by my section of town? I felt like a hunted deer and a piece of meat, all at the same time. I felt bad about lying about what area I lived in. But what could I do? Then came the killer question. Those four awful words that revealed her for what she was: WHAT...DO...YOU...DO? Now at least I knew I would never go out with this money grubbing whore again, who would risk my life by asking me such a question in a public venue. I excused myself to go to the restroom. Discreetly paid the bill, then snuck out the back way. I moved to a different apartment that weekend. Just a precaution.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-04-21T21:39:06-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/153431832.html My horrible date after I noticed... text BABY PLEASE JUST LIFT THE DAMN RESTRAINING ORDER!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/148868739.html Holly, I swear I didn't mean to hurt you, but you can be such a raving bitch sometimes! If I knew she worked with you I wouldnt' have banged her. I used protection. She means nothing to me. I jus twant to come back home. At least let me get my stuff. There was no reason to LIE to the cops. You know I wasn't peeping... I was trying to break in to MY apartment. just because i am not on the lease doesn't mean its not my home. I promise, no more you know what if you let me come back! I'll still talk nasty. Feed my fish, please. Harry S.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around PDX <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-04-06T15:17:52-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/148868739.html BABY PLEASE JUST LIFT THE DAMN RESTRAINING ORDER!!! text A melange of crap for Pizza http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/144063711.html We are but lowly plebians looking for dinner. We have no way of eating except for this crap we have assembled for the luckiest person. What we are looking for in return is just a cheese pizza, delivered to our house, delicious and hot, from anywhere near here. Please, we are giving away some things that mean a lot to us (namely the beer).Before responding to this add you've got to think, "Why on earth would I need with this stuff?" Let me tell you what is in store: 1 bottle of Bridgeport India Pale Ale. This ale is double fermented uncompromising natural ale with a robust tase. Excellent for just relaxing and sitting down for a good television show with one hand down your pants. 1 decorative pumkin perfect for holding any stash you like. Complete with fake leaves to give it that extra class that you deserve. 1 slightly used bottle of Kikkoman Naturally Brewed soy sauce. It was only bought yesterday and my god does it spice up a stir fry. It is even complete with a new pouring spout. 1 "kitty junping through a square" book end. It adorable and part of a set. Much like those tender best friend necklaces (one half stating be fri, the other st end) we will keep the other end to always remember the moments we had together. 1 acrylic gray bunny hand painted by someone we don't know. It was a great find at the Grand St. Goodwill. It has graced us long enough with its watchful eye and unwavering splendor. 1 heel of bread from a delicious sour dough loaf that was purchased at the neighborhood safeway. We have kept it covered for the last day, it is still fresh. You could certainly get a good 3 slices out of that. 1 "Wild Animus" novel (an advanced reading) by the great Rich Shapero. A delicious tale of how far on young man will go to find himself. It is hailed as a "adrenaline-charged adventure...a search for the primordial and a journey to the breaking point. It is a story of love and sacrifice, of obsession, of finding the limits of the heart and going one step further" If this well thought out list does nothing to pique your interest, well you are just dead inside. But, if you act now we will thow in three more beers.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around Northeast <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-21T19:34:27-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/144063711.html A melange of crap for Pizza text half a box of condoms - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/143365944.html It is a beautiful sunny Sunday, and my relationship status is such that I am cleaning out my sock drawer. I get to the bottom, and discover 5 blue, foil squares. Ah...old friends, I remember you well. The optimism of buying a box of 12. The butterflies in the stomach on the night of your unveiling. And now you sit abandoned. And, it turns out, soon to expire. I'm a frugal sort. I hate wasting anything. So now I've got a timeline for final deployment: Nov 2006. I'm very task oriented--I love working against a deadline. webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-19T16:41:11-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/143365944.html half a box of condoms - w4m text Rant: Grocery Girl http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/141914743.html Let's establish one thing first: I love my job as a cashier/bag girl in a grocery store. I like it even though I'm paid minimum wage with no hope of a raise (I have co-workers who've worked there for two years with no raise.), and I like it despite the fact that it's just some unskilled labor to support me until I graduate from college. I come to work with a smile on my face. If you've been there once, I remember you and try to tailor my interaction with you to your personal preferences. I'm kind, patient, and have a good sense of humor. So do most of you, which is the reason why I love my job. However, dearest customers, I must lay out some rules in the vain hope that you'll actually listen: 1. Bags- Paper or plastic- it's not a difficult decision. Choose quickly, and please for the love of all that is good, do not change your mind mid-bagging. Not only is it a huge pain for me, but inconveniences others waiting in line. If I forget that you want paper IN plastic- it's a fairly unusual request- don't hiss at me! It's easily fixable, and I will mend the problem with a smile on my face. I don't automatically "double bag" every bag as my boss discourages it. Don't get huffy if I don't double bag. Please ask me in a civil manner and I will gladly put on a second bag. 2. Wait Your Turn! - I don't care if you have a newspaper. I know it's 50 cents. However, I get my ass chewed every time I don't scan it. So wait in line like everyone else. If you have a return, don't come rushing up to me, thrusting your receipt/returned product in my face if I'm with another customer. Again, this is what lines were created for. 3. Produce - May I ask kindly that you don't get in my face and howl, "RED DELICIOUS, 59 CENTS A POUND!"? Thanks for that interesting tidbit; do you happen to know the produce code? Didn't think so. Don't forget, I've been eating fruit for as long as I can recall, and I am familiar with most of basics here. I know my codes backwards and forwards. However, if you bring up something like okra, yucca root, or plantains, it may take me a literal second to look up the code. In the meantime, please don't proceed to howl the name and price of the fruit. It does me absolutely no good. 4. General Guidelines on Human Interaction- Quit with the asshole act. No one else is impressed with you picking on an exhausted-looking 20-year-old girl. Wow, you can pick on someone whose day started at 5 AM and who's barely scraping by. Someday in the not-so-distant future I can only hope that I come up against you and your attorney in court and show you what my tough, future-lawyer self is really made of. While I'm working towards that goal, don't harumph/growl/yell at me when something goes awry. I'm sorry that we only have your particular brand of cigs in the box and not in a "soft pack", but I don't make the ordering decisions. If this revelation is truly so disturbing to you that you feel the need to bitch and moan, I'll be happy to call my boss over. And please don't ask me out at work. If I'm interested in you, I'll write my phone number on your receipt or otherwise let you know, by BLATANTLY MENTIONING MY ATTRACTION to you. Since I'm at my place of work, I'm really not looking to pick up men. Please refrain from embarassing yourself by forcing me to reject you in front of my co-workers and the five people in line behind you. I am a nice person and really hate having to do that. I know I smiled at you, shared a joke, and/or made small talk, but that's part of my job. I try to make everyone who comes through my line feel comfortable and happy. It doesn't mean that I want to meet you after work and fuck you. Being friendly isn't the same as displaying a sexual/romantic interest in you. Lastly, this is a store that carries a lot of international foods. Multi-linguality was not part of my job description when I was hired- nor is it now. I'm semi-fluent in Spanish and know a few words in other languages as well. I may even bid you goodbye or good day in your native tongue, if I know it. However, I cannot help you otherwise. I'd love to be able to, and I hold no grudges about your lack of English skills. Learning a new language is difficult and frustrating at times. However, don't blow up at me because I can't understand you. I'm sorry. Other than that, you're all wonderful. Please observe the aforementioned guidelines and everything will be just peachy. webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-14T14:19:50-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/141914743.html Rant: Grocery Girl text Rant: To the "illustrated" lady at my gym http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/141905423.html I'll never forget the first time I saw you from across the room. You were doing military presses with a 40lb bar and grunting (rather dramatically, I thought) with each upward thrust. It was about a year ago, and yet you looked like a throw back to 1986. Or so I thought at first. I got the mullet part correct anyway. But the print leggings... flashback! I had a pair like those from The Limited in the eighties! Oh yeah, I was a hot little number in those "wild thangs", and the added advantage was that they made my slender legs look more muscular. But I digress. As I got closer, to my utter astonishment, I realized they weren't leggings at all. They were your real, honest-to-goodness legs, so covered in tattooes that nary a square inch of bare skin could be seen. Cool. Now, I'll admit, I've seen my share of tattooes, I know they're all the rage and as common as cookies, but I'd never seen such a colorful, artistic, captivating assortment such as this before. Okay. I was mesmerized. I stared a bit. They were speaking to me. But oh, lady-man, did you get the wrong idea. My assessment of your legs, and arms, and that serpent thing on your neck writhing down to ?, was borne of curiosity, not desire! And now you think I want you. Apparently. In spite of the fact that I will barely make eye contact with you, you think I want you. In spite of the fact that when you asked me if I was going to use that bench, then made a joke about the exercise balls being attracted to me (they roll about of their own volition, nothing to do with me)... you might take note that my laugh was a snort of frustration, and I vacated the area pronto. And you still think I want you. And now your newest ploy. Don't take this the wrong way buttercup, but timing yourself to "just happen" to be naked when I come into the locker room area is really not working in your favor, even if I was on "your team". You're an impressive specimen no doubt, specimen of what I have yet to figure out. Suffice to say, if I was to swing that way, it wouldn't be with a burly, hairy, short-legged, snaggle-toothed, ink-covered, mulleted butch such as yourself. Although I'm sure you're a nice person. Now. I'm an open minded person, generally non-judgemental, far from a prude, to each his (or her) own, I say. But. It really needs to stop. The touching yourself in a public place-- might be a locker room, but it's still public (yes, I saw your hand coyly slip down to your nether region). The covert staring at my breasts and ass via the mirrors when I get undressed. The intrusion on my personal space in the stretching area (hint: if I can smell your breath, you're too close). Even the smiles and nods of recognition. What will I do? Sorry to say, but if you don't cease and desist from your affectionate displays I will have to go to the management. Even though the club isn't run by the Mormon family anymore, I still feel the Olivia Newton-John clone behind the counter will see things my way. Again, I apologize that it has come to this, but honestly sweetie, even the dumbest man would have gotten the message by now. Your favorite club member, The girl in the black running shorts with the long inkless legs webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-14T13:48:52-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/141905423.html Rant: To the "illustrated" lady at my gym text To my naked hot tub party neighbors - follow up http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/136728886.html Its going to be a sad sad summer! My neighbors have moved!!!!!!! So to the people of North Portland - they took their hot tub with them. ENJOY! So I have no idea if it is on again this weekend, but if it is can I make some suggestions? 1) You guys are freaking hilarious, at the very least please record the audio from your night. Last weekends favorite quote “I want your boobies to kiss my boobies” 2) Please hand out a lyrics sheet to all members of the hot tub. I would love to help pick the songs, if I am going to have to listen to them. Although the sentiment was sweet your song (Islands in the stream) of choice last week, really blew. My requests: Down Under (Men at Work), She Goes Down (Motley Crue) 3) Lets make it an official rule, every time a guy stands up you ladies must yell at the top of your lungs “Cocktail” and then drink. Also for every time someone says boobies, the group drinks. 4) Plastic only – lesson learned 5) Just say, turn off your porch light rather then unscrewing it. I will hop right up and do it. I didn’t realize when you were having one of you unscrew a light it was mine. 6) In the event you are playing “guess who’s foot”, please be clear with your rules. There seemed to be some confusion in the past. 7) I didn’t quite catch all the shapes that had been shaved in the ladies whoonie nananas. Please redo that conversation and a little louder. 8) Bring back Willie, everyone loves Willie. Or even better just get Jack Black. My favorite part was hearing him talk about how much he loves being a soccer coach to these little kids while he was sitting buck ass naked in a hot tub. Somehow naked hot tubs and talks of children don’t seem to mix. 9) Start and finish times; 3:30 am to 5:30 throws my schedule completely off. Can we shoot for 1 – 3 am? 10) Thanks for describing the cup sizes, lets make that a habit. Really feel free to be as descriptive as possible. When I compared notes with the other neighbors we weren’t exactly sure who had what. Maybe repeat your name after the description. 11) After this weekend we will have two more neighbors. They will be living upstairs and I am guessing will have a pretty unobstructed view. I do not know if they will find you as funny as I do. Maybe an invite for them? 12) Bathroom use, kudos to all of you who got out of the hot tub! The couple of you who didn’t…….shame! 13) The ass smacking, although it sounded solid I think needs some work. Don’t be shy really get after it! After all, your drunk and you’ll need something to remember it by. 14) If you find yourself in a lull, feel free to just yell boobies or cocktail for no apparent reason. 15) Last rule, please only very attractive naked hot tub party attendees. Unless you follow strict rules of bringing them home after I have gone to bead. Which will allow me to imagine it is Halle Berry, Jessica Alba and Pam Anderson in your hot tub. Last weekend rather then get mad and try and sleep, I thought screw it, I’ll just listen to the show. 20 feet away just isn’t far enough to stop sound. Thanks for the entertainment. Your neighbor who knows better then to be a hypocrite The finish- The day my neighbors have their moving van out front I hear a knock at my door. Its my friend and neighbor who is holding a 8 1/2 x 11 paper titled "To my naked hot tub party neighbors". He said "Hey, they want you to autograph this". How freaking funny. We always wondered if they had read it. Especially since the parties stopped. Word to the wise in the new neighborhood. Don't post on www.craigslist.com or you may just end the shows. Thanks again guys. Enjoy the new digs! You are famous "Best of Craigs List 2005" Your neighbor, DBM webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-02-24T13:07:55-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/136728886.html To my naked hot tub party neighbors - follow up text The DMV hates you too http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/132103791.html I agree that the DMV sucks. But the main reason the DMV sucks, is because of the people who go there. It's the same with the post office, bank, car rental agency, airport, etc. See, when I'm in line at the store, I have my money or plastic out and ready to pay. When I step up to the Hertz counter, I have a printout of my reservation from their web site in my hand with my driver's license and credit card. I answer all the questions quickly. I can rent a car in less time than most people spend to withdraw $40 from an ATM. When I go to the DMV, I know why I'm going there. Many people, do not. Although I have never worked at the DMV, I have worked at a similar job for 10 years, and many customers do not know why they have walked up to my counter. Really. They just stand there talking. Then they get angry when they realize how stupid they are. About once per month, when I'm walking somewhere on my lunch hour, someone will walk up to me and ask me "Where is the social security office?" I ask them "What's the address? Or intersection?" They don't know. People walk around and drive around, without even knowing where they are going. They know the name of the place, but never bothered to call and ask for the address, or to look in a phone book for the address, or (gasp) get on the Internet which I know is way beyond their IQ. I know you've all seen people standing in line in a grocery store, just standing there while the cashier rings up everything. Then the cashier says "OK that's $92.50 total." THEN, the customer pulls out a fucking checkbook (why can't they get a debit card?) and starts writing the date and name of the store. Which they should've done while they were standing there, instead of holding up the line an extra 30 seconds. "Quite whining about 30 seconds", you might be thinking. "You impatient fuckhead bastard." Well, a busy Safeway or Albertsons might have 5,000 customers in a day. Probably 10 percent are checkbook time wasters. So that's 500 people each wasting 30 seconds. Total time wastage is 250 minutes, or about 4 hours. And that's a generous estimate. That's not counting the other types of idiots besides the wait-until-you-know-the-total-before-you-start-writing-the-check idiots. The "I forgot one thing! I'll be back in a second" idiots. The "That total has to be wrong, let's review the receipt item by item" idiots. The "What do you mean I can't buy cigarettes and beer with my OREGON TRAIL WELFARE card?" idiots. The "What do you mean, you won't take my personal out of state check for 10 cartons of cigarettes and 5 cases of beer?" idiots. The "I don't know how to operate this credit card swiper keypad but will keep trying" idiots. The "I have 58 items and I'm on the 10 items or less express line" idiots. The "PAPER IN PLASTIC" mutants. OK, you've seen these people. And they all go to the DMV. THAT is why the DMV sucks. webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-02-07T18:48:46-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/132103791.html The DMV hates you too text To the man on the #6 bus this morning who looked like a Pekingese http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/128802872.html I want to do you. I got on the bus near Killingsworth with half a dozen other people. The driver jokingly told me to start over after I dumped two extra pennies in the farebox – I told him it was his tip; he is one of very few that will ever get a smile out of me. You were already on the bus when I boarded, which I only realized later, once you got off and unloaded your bicycle from the front rack. I noticed you after Alberta Street. You were sitting in one of the side-facing front seats, hugging your oversize messenger bag in your lap. You looked uncomfortable wedged in between the obese black woman and that blonde chick reading a book, perhaps even irritated or maybe just afraid. Nervous? It was a crowded bus. It was, in fact, the first time I have ever ridden the #6 and had it stop at EVERY SINGLE STOP. However, this did not bother me much, as I had a clear line of vision to you, and not once did you ever notice me staring at you. Which I did, almost consistently, until you left the bus. Now don't take offense to the Pekingese thing. Shit – it's not like I like the little yippers. In fact, I hate dogs. But how can I say it: you have a very unique look; attractive enough to capture my fancy for the full 18 minutes of the bus ride. Caucasian, yes. Brown curly hair, shortish, poking out beneath that cute Dublin-in-the-1920s style of cappie. But your profile – sort of flattish features – a small, pug-like nose, a slightly protruding lower jaw and a more than slightly protruding chin; definitely a different genetic makeup than my own European parentage, leaving me with one of those "strong" German noses. The contour of your jaw reminded me a lot of that guy I once dated in Flagstaff. I wondered about you, wondered where you had come from, and where you were going for the day. Did you just come from Vancouver after spending the night with an ex-girlfriend? You looked spiffy tidy – were you on your way for a job interview? Nice woolen plaid overcoat, black jeans, Converse sneakers. Oh, how I dig men who wear Chuck Taylors! Around the Broadway/Weidler area you stood up with your back to me. I checked out your bum, and looked at your shoes again. You slung your oversize messenger bag over your shoulder and I noticed the strap was clasped with a car seat belt buckle. I thought that was very cool. I thought you were going to get off the bus to make a run for the Blue Line Max that had just rolled in, but then you sat down in another seat. You finally did get off, just south of Burnside, and you walked your classic blue city bike toward the fruit market. I assumed you were going to buy some excellent produce, but then you suddenly flew by on your bicycle, past the bus. I lost sight of you after that and went on my way. Just wanted you to know that I liked you, even if only for just a bus ride. And I hope I never see you again because I love my partner. Usually. Luv, Your 18-Minute Admirer on the bus webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-01-26T16:33:55-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/128802872.html To the man on the #6 bus this morning who looked like a Pekingese text Ladies, Lift the Seat! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/126999867.html Hoping that I will not be evicted from the female gender by writing this, I must reveal the shame that the Western woman carries with herself daily as she roams the frontier that is the public restroom. For, while prim and proper in her own private toilet, insisting that the toilet paper dispenses over the roll rather than under and castigating any poor male family member for leaving the seat in the upright position, the same said woman will indeed piss all over any public toilet seat and leave the mess for the next unfortunate visitor. Men may now be shocked to learn that a woman would urinate all over a public toilet seat but it happens ALL THE TIME. Even when the same seat can be easily lifted out of the way, creating a larger target for the unseated urinator. Even now, in the days when old-growth trees are hewn and pulped to create filmy toilet seat covers for our convenience. Even now, in the second millennium after the existence of Christ, women insist on urinating all over the symbol of comfortable excretion of the West. Having just returned from a trip to the East, I was at first uncomfortable with the toilets that are built directly into the floor with landings for the feet. But I soon realized that, after rolling up my pants and scooping up my scarves, I could hover in comfort and pee freely. Nothing save the foot landings was intended for any other purpose that to receive that which was given. However, I did miss the comfort of seating and occasional light reading. Flying back through Frankfurt, I was exultant to see my first Western toilet and then crushed to see the droplets of another’s urine all over the blessed seat. Sacrilege! This phenomenon is especially repugnant given the widespread movement against men leaving the seat up. Men have been oppressed for generations for leaving the seat up when they should be proud that they are hygienic enough to actually lift the seat rather than being like a lazy woman and just peeing all over it. Men, I call on you to raise the awareness of this problem: LEAVE THE SEAT UP! Do it proudly! Post a sign on the bottom of the seat that reads, “Another clean toilet seat lives here!” Carry your shame no further. Women, ask yourselves why you do not lift the seat. Granted, if you think that it is so dirty that you don’t want to sit on it, you probably won’t touch it to lift it out of harm’s way. We are generally provided with tissue and toilet seat covers in the restroom and you are probably wearing a shoe that would work just fine to do the initial lifting. Just lift the damn seat. Leave it up if you have to. Teach your daughters to do the same thing. It’s called hygiene. To close, I would like to leave with this variation on the well-known poem: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, Please be neat and LIFT the seat! Yours in solidarity and sanitation -- lah webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-01-20T11:00:50-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/126999867.html Ladies, Lift the Seat! text you looked sexy even though - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/126689026.html ...you were having a seizure. it was in the hair care section at the Vancouver walgreens. i was the guy in the blue shirt holding your legs while that old man put his wallet in your mouth. let's get together when you're feeling less woozy webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-01-19T10:16:28-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/126689026.html you looked sexy even though - m4w text i'm sorry i masturbated on your ikea catalog http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/117614840.html but, dude, have you seen page 56? have a great birthday. you're an awesome roommate. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-12T09:26:00-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/117614840.html i'm sorry i masturbated on your ikea catalog text Hot girls = bad bad bad bad http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/116643656.html I'm not dating a hot girl anymore. In two senses: 1.)I broke up with my attractive girlfriend. 2.)I've decided not to date a hot girl again. HOT GIRLS = BAD. LESS HOT GIRLS = GOOD. (ahem) Dating a hot girl is great, since you're constantly thinking about having sex with her, and you get to. It's really fantastic. BUT!! (and this is a big BUT) it comes at a cost. Gather 'round, children. Girls are like starving jackals when it comes to complements. Complement them on their shoes, and they'll stave off complement starvation for a little bit....but they'll need to feed again. Soon. Hot girls are the fat jackals that get food tossed to them. They go through their day being admired, stared at, and complemented for everything they do from buying a bagel to passing gas ("Dude, that hot girl farted." "AWESOME!") so they begin to define themselves by their hotness. Because they're validated so regularly, hot girls get a self-esteem defined by others, and a sense of entitlement that could match your average NBA player. Not-as-hot girls don't have this problem. They learn to validate themselves through their own self confidence and self worth. A complement here and there is nice, but they are the fit, scavenging complement jackals that can make it through a harsh winter without any "Hey you're hot"'s. So, less-than-totally-hot girls of the world unite. I am going to date you. Like, uh, even more than before. <img src=116643656.jpg> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-07T22:46:32-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/116643656.html Hot girls = bad bad bad bad text tree seeks tree for pollen http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/114551724.html Cute Male/Female Paw Paw tree seeking healthy, deep rooted, non-related Paw Paw to exchange pollen in early spring. In all my 100 years, I have not been able to find such. We Paw Paw's are a very rare breed indeed, especially here in Portland. Friends of Trees please help. Humans do not even know what Paw Paw Trees are. We are usually confused with the Magnolia, or tropical Papaya Tree. They don't even know that we produce the largest (and most tasty) fruit native to North America. I am sessile (planted) and cannot forage myself, and instead, I grow flowers that depend on the very rare and flaky carrion flies and even rarer meat beetles of early spring to bring pollen from yet rarer (nonexistant?) fellow Portland Paw Paw trees. You see my dilemma. I am only able to produce one or two fruit a year, usually through not so desirable or effective process of self fertilization. This usually produces embarressingly small fruit and sterile seeds which do not grow new Paw Paw Trees. I have sent out root suckers to grow a small, cute, grove of Paw Paws (despite the driveway hindering my progress) which are all connected to me and part of myself. These, too, are unsuitable as fellow pollenators. A beautiful Tiger Swallow Butterfly larva usually feeds on me all Spring before metamorphosising into a Beautiful Butterfly in early summer. These catapillers only feed on us Paw Paws. Yet not once has this butterfly pollenated me. This year, however, I am taking preemptive action to locate a suitable suitor well ahead of time. Please, all who love the Paw Paw. Find me a fellow Tree before the start of Spring 2006!!! <img src=114551724.1.jpg> <img src=114551724.2.jpg> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-29T12:29:17-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/114551724.html tree seeks tree for pollen text Things you do for your dog when you love her http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/111331406.html You take her on walks and you buy her a nice soft bed to sleep on. You take her with you when you move to new places and you refuse to move to a place that won't allow you to have her. You spay her and you vaccinate her and you give her treats and tell her she's a very good girl. You don't hate her when she chews the side of the wall or throws up on the rug or farts in front of your friends. But most of all, when your sister comes to visit and leaves a tampon in the bathroom wastebasket and your dog surreptitiously eats it, and then two weeks later you see this white thing sticking out of her butt, and you look closer and oddly enough it's a string and it seems to be stuck, and you get a paper towel and slowly you start to pull as she wiggles, and with growing horror you realize what has made its way through your dog's digestive system...well, what you do when you love your dog is you grit your teeth, sigh, and carry on. Also, you buy one of those garbage pails with a pop-up lid on it. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-14T23:00:55-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/111331406.html Things you do for your dog when you love her text You wonder why men cheat? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/106597762.html So I've had about all I can stand. How is it marriage allows you to take someone sexually hostage? Where the fuck do women get off dictating what is an appropriate amount of sex? You say you just have too much going on and it's not a priority but get your feelings hurt when you get cheated on, sorry not feeling the compassion like I should I guess. Let me paint a picture. I mostly normal, professional, successful, kind, generous, blah blah blah. I am in my second marriage. The first was as much my fault as hers but one theme that held true was the drastic drop off in sex. What gives? I have seen the scenario unfold many many times. You meet a guy and you fuck non stop for months. It tapers off but both are feeling pretty satisfied by the quality of sex and both agree that it will always be this way. In fact the guy is assuming this is a cornerstone of the relationship and takes this into consideration when he offers you a huge fucking ring you did nothing to deserve. Am I being to harsh? i don't think so, about 1% of the population of the world has a diamond ring of 1 karat or larger. What makes you so special? Let me take a different tact, if it costs $8,000 for a ring for 1 or 2 years of pornstar sex so be it, just lay it out there, get it on the table that it's a negotiable contract that comes due every couple years. You agree to be the nasty fuck toy we fell in love with and we will buy you another ring or other appropriate trinket. that's fair isn't it? But no... it doesn't work out like that. Half a dozen years into your marriage you just don't have time anymore. What used to be a fun quicky on the bathroom counter now is just a pain in the ass. Hmmm where did we go wrong, how did mankind get duped like this? How can we warn the young men who are about to make the fatal mistake of putting a ring on your spoiled finger. Do I sound bitter? well I guess I do. Let me explain, I'm sure there's more than myself in this unfortunate spot. My wife of 6 years has had sex with me 12 times this year. Three of the last four times she said "I'm just going to lay here, I don't want to do anything. Just hurry up and get it over with". The final insult came last week when she said I hate dragging it out, I just want to get my "O" and be done with it. (this takes 5 minutes tops) I was empathetic for the first six years about how the anti depressants killed your sex drive, I did the research, I recommended the different types that weren't as libido killing as the SSRI's. Enough is enough though. Let's do the math 5 minutes of sex 12 times a year is one hour of sex per year. ONE FUCKING HOUR... It used to be one hour or longer each time we had sex when we were dating. WHAT GIVES? Lets compare that to the 8760 hours in a year. Yes almost 9 thousand hours in a year and you can barely be bothered to fuck for one of them? You should be arrested, you should be fined, you should be publicly humiliated. Yes, I am being a baby. I totally understand that I am being a raving lunatic. Why? Because I have tried divorce once. Nevermind that it was financially devastating, life altering, and hell on earth for years. None of that compares to the fact that it forever ruined my relationship with my children, regardless of what you may console yourselves with divorce hurts everyone and no one is better for it unless you are in harms way by staying. I am so sick of the spoiled, me me me attitude by today's american woman that I could just bite myself. During the dating phase you told us all your hopes and dreams which mostly consisted of a nice home, kids, a dog, family holidays, vacations, etc. We told you we liked all that but wanted a car or a motorcycle or a boat to go along with it. Fast forward half a dozen years. You have all the things you wanted, nevermind the mortgage is oppressive, the activities for the kids cost hundreds of dollars a month, you bitch constantly about how you hate the house you absolutely HAD to have years ago. You have a medicine cabinet full of Paxil, Effexor, vicodin, sleep pills, awake pills, everthing but a fucking horny pill. You bitch that all your friends have the things you want and you are miserable yet the kids are the best kids in the history of the world, everyone is healthy, you drive an SUV like your friends, you get Starbucks regularly. WHAT IN YOUR LIFE IS SO HORRIBLE? Your bored? you don't have your own life? You feel over worked. Don't get me wrong, raising children is the hardest job by far since it rarely affords a break but is it so bad? (Agreed that the kids are so spectacular because of your contstant attention, but if you ignore your marriage it will go the way of a forgotten child too) You could have been born poor, you could have to work 50 hours a week and take care of the kids, and pay for the mortgage on your own but you don't. Instead you go to play group, you shop, you drive around looking at houses you dream of living in instead of the one you have. I can see how you don't have any time for sex. I mean after all the guy who sacraficed his own hopes and dreams to finance yours probably isn't worthy of some respect, admiration, and god forbid occasional sex. (disclaimer time... I know us guys are a pain in the ass to live with that goes without saying) The moral of the story is that it's just as much your fault as mine that I have taken a lover, she is everything your not. She is carefree, she acts like a total slut because we have an understanding that I prize her above all things for just being her slutty self, not condemning her for it. She doesn't accusingly look at me like I duped her into buying that fucking leper of a house, doesn't tell me that I stole her life from her because she is raising children now. It is a total vacation from everything you have become. The funny thing is I would totally be there with you hand in hand praising you instead of her if you would only treat me like a human again. If you would only show the slightest passion, if you would just quit trying to take any possible enjoyment out of life for me and everyone around you then maybe, just maybe we could have a good life. And please, don't give me the line about the medication and the councilors anymore, it worked for the first six years but it doesn't fly anymore. You came from a good family, you weren't abused, you weren't neglected, you are attractive, funny, kind, sweet at times. I've saved the best part for last. I am angry at myself for letting life get here. I should not have loved you so much that I could never say no. I should have not married you so soon, I should have bought all the things I wanted before we married. Most of all I hate that I am saying these things to a million nobody's in Internet land instead of you. I would, really I would have but we all know what happens when you drink, and you drink a lot these days. Most of all I can't believe I could be so stupid as to find myself here again. What did I cosmically do wrong? what did I do to piss off God in a past life to deserve this? I am so fucking pissed off at you for everything, why did you fucking have to fucking be this way? why couldn't you just fucking be sane, why? why, fucking, why? I just want to kick a chair or break a window or something. WHY? webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-25T12:35:30-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/106597762.html You wonder why men cheat? text flagged for my for sale ad http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/105596028.html I originally posted this in the "for sale" section of this website, but it was flagged and removed within 25 minutes. If you know anyone that can help me, please read on: Years ago, just before i transferred from Chemeketa to the U of O, i was in a pretty sad state--sexwise, that is. My problem was that i wasn't pulling enough trim to keep my sexual desires satiated. I was basically a walking boner machine, cranking out a product that nobody wanted. Getting laid in high school was no problem: Back in the 90s girls would lift skirt as naturally as they would sneeze or yawn. But when college and hence my 20s came around, something happened. I can't put my finger in it, but i think it had something to do with the fact that women over 20 aren't impressed with things like how quickly you can shotgun a can of Milwaukee's Best Ice. So my first term at U of O was pretty much vadgeless, no matter what i tried. Dyed my hair blonde, bought a new Merkur with the two spoilers, threw away all of my old Hypercolor T-shirts, even started ordering Cointreau Sidecars at the bar just to seem impressively pedantic. Nothing worked, and I was just about ready to resign myself to life without poon. But then one day a miracle happened. I was walking back to my quad on 18th and Kincaid when i found something in the holly bushes out in front of the Lorax. It was easily recognizable by the shape of the hardcase poking out from the foliage. I opened up the case and saw that it was an accoustic guitar. A beautiful guitar that said "Regent by Kramer" on the little stem thingie. I placed the guitar back into the soft fluffy red fur that lined the hardcase and lugged it home. I placed a lost and found ad in the Emerald and called it a night. I didn't think it at the time, but that was pretty much the last night i would sleep without two soft milky-white breasts to bury my chin between. The following day I decided to take the guitar with me to my CompLit 318 class because it was one of those once-a-week 6-hour classes that was more like an independent study type of thing. Just before reaching the corner of 17th and University, a girl named Alayne Mundtz walked up to me. Her first words were, "Are you in a band?" I was so surprised that such a beautiful although shortish Jewish girl would walk up to a stranger on the street that i lied, "Yes. Yes i am." By 9:30 that night, I was nose deep in Alayne. She broke up with me about three weeks later (when she finally realized that i didn't actually know how to play guiter), but that was okay because i was getting pretty sick of her anyway. Two nights later, i brought the guitar to Max's on 13th. That's where Jennifer D'Amico bought me four pints of Jubelale before taking me home. She thought she was an "artist" and had all of these paintings of butterflies all over her bedroom. I didn't care, though, because she was a box-shaver and that was the first time I'd ever gone down on a hoo-ha sans hair. She kicked me out of her apartment about a month later when she found out i wasn't in a band, but--again--i was fine with that because i think i was allergic to her fabric softener. That was pretty much how the rest of my college career went. I got a BA in English Lit because i was happy to coast by on a 2.49 GPA, and about 30 notches on my headboard because of the guitar. I moved to Portland after graduation, and the guitar-luck, of course, came with me. I've sprayed in all sorts of Portland girls thanks to this guitar: Indies, goths, trustafarians, hipsters, even a lesbian once from that time i lugged it up to the Egyptian Club on Division. This instrument has been vital in both my sexual development and approximately seven abortions. I won't even tell you about the time when i brought the guitar to the Planned Parenthood up in Northeast by the Wild Oats. All I can say is that Planned Parenthoods are a ripe garden of fertile baby caves. Best. Blowjob. Ever. You may be wondering why i'm willing to part with this guitar, this chick magnet, this slit supplier. Fair question. I present my answer to you in two parts: Firstly, i think it's morally apprehensible to walk around town with a guitar case if the only reason you're doing it is to moisten panties, especially if you've never even bothered to learn how to play. Secondly, and more importantly, I've finally met a girl without the help of the guitar. On one of the rare occassions that i forgot to bring out the chick magnet, i met a saucy little redhead at Paradox, and the carpets match the drapes if you know what i mean. We're engaged to be married. I can pretty much guarantee that you'll be swimming in muffpuddles by the end of the week if you buy this guitar, but i really don't want to tell the fiancee about this so please don't hesitate to take it off my hands. The price is firm. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-20T23:13:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/105596028.html flagged for my for sale ad text Girls Piss Me Off http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/104629167.html I swear that if I wasn't sexually attracted to girls that I'd be gay. At least guys make sense most the time. First off, girls just talk way too much. When you're with your other girlfriends, go ahead and talk about whatever the fuck you want. I don't care. But why exactly do you think that I care about the kind of day that your sisters co-workers dog had? Your sister is nice enough, but I don't know her co-worker and I certainly don't know her dog. So why the fuck are you telling me this story? I don't care! If you have something worth talking about, then I can enjoy engaging you in a meaningful conversation. But before you start talking to me about some of the inane frivolous shit that you talk to your girlfriends about, first ask yourself "Does this have a point?". Because if it doesn't I'm just going to smile, and nod, and zone out and you'll get mad because I'm not listening to your retarded shit! Stop over complicating everything. There isn't an ulterior motive or hidden meaning in every other sentance. Unless, I suppose, it's coming out of the mouth of another woman. Because you ladies never can seem to say what you actually mean. You have this weird secret code that you love to try and crack and expect us guys to be able to get in on your stupid game. Guys aren't like that. Rarely rarely RARELY will you ever have to figure out what a guy is actually saying. We say what we mean. Girls have such a skewed sense of logic that this simple concept is often lost on them. When you go searching for some deeper meaning that isn't there, you're just committing to an act of futility. In the end you wind up making up some bullshit and believing that it must be true and acting on that false reality and making a mess of something for no apparent reason other than the fact that you're in-fucking-sane. Stop getting upset at guys for trying to help solve your problems. That's what guys do. You present us with a problem, we're going to try and fix it. It's in our fucking nature. I know it's in your nature to want to talk about everything, but if you're going to bring up your problems to a guy, expect that he's going to try and do something about it or give you advice. Women always bitch that guys don't listen. It's not that we don't listen, we just don't understand why you're bringing up your problems if you don't want us to do something about it. We're not as empathetic as your girlfriends, so if you want empathy, go to them. Likewise, if guys have a problem, they'll probably only bring it up if they need help or advice. Many women will bitch that guys don't talk enough. It's not that guys don't talk, it's just that your empathy doesn't help solve our problems when we do talk. One of the most insanely frustrating things about women is the constant reassurance. No, you're not fat. If you were fat you wouldn't be able to fit into that size 2 dress. And yes, you look good. Guys wouldn't be giving you free shit if you were ugly. (There's an ulterior fucking motive for you. Hint: They're not giving you free stuff just to be sweet.) It's so frustrating having to constantly answer those questions, only to not be believed. It's like trying to convince someone that the sky is blue. You're not blind, you're not even color blind. You can see that the sky is blue. Yet you continue to ask what color the sky is. I tell you it's blue. I know that you know what color blue is. And even though I've told you that the sky is blue about fifty-million times, you still have to ask because...I don't know...maybe it's not blue today. The sky is fucking blue goddammit! You're not fucking fat! You're not fucking ugly! You know it, I know it, everyone fucking knows it! And fuck all you ultra-hot girls that bitch about the most retarded things. Yeah, all men are fucking pigs because they stare at your boobs. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you're wearing a skin tight low cut shirt that has 'Bebe' printed across your boobs... one 'Be' per boob. It's totally unfair that you have to put up with guys staring at you all the time just because you like to look sexy. And boo hoo, it's so hard for you to meet a nice guy. Well actually it isn't, because the shoulder your crying on belongs to a nice guy. He's the one that puts up with all your stupid shit. And yet you some how end up with all the assholes. I'm sure that it has nothing to do with the fact that you're holding out for a six foot tall alpha-male fire fighter with a trust fund. And finally, yay for you. You sold a freezer to some eskimos. Congratulations on being the hot sales rep. We're all very proud of you for being able to have a nice ass while the rest of us actually have to work for a living. And we're all so excited to see your new diamond jewelry. Your ability to date another rich fucktard that will shower you with expensive bobbles is commendable. And I'll be so surprised and sorry for you when he dumps you for the next hot girl. Because I really thought that materialistic trophy bagger was in love with you. But I'm happy to hear that you wrecked your fifth car while multi-tasking between your cell phone and doing your make up in the mirror. Your dedication to enforcing the stereotype of women drivers is nothing short of awe inspiring. And you're right, I was being a shallow douchebag when I commented on the hotness of Eva Longoria. So lets go see that movie where Johnny Depp makes out with Orlando Bloom on Brad Pitts abs. I know you've been dying to see that one. Girls...you piss me the fuck off. You do stupid shit and manage to get away with it. You can be the most annoying idiots in the world. Your sense of logic and common sense seems to be a rare gift rather than a common trait. And yet I'm uncontrollably attracted to you. And that's quite possibly the most frustrating thing of all. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-17T02:37:08-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/104629167.html Girls Piss Me Off text 10 reasons why gay marriage should be illegal http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/102351114.html 10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong 01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. 02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall. 03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. 04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal. 05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children. 07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. 08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. 09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. 10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. Re-post this if you believe love makes a marriage. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-06T12:53:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/102351114.html 10 reasons why gay marriage should be illegal text Attn: Idiot in the black Civic Si http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/100173905.html Hey you, driver of the dusty black '99-'00 Civic Si with the requisite fartcan exhaust and riding-on-the-bumpstops stance: What the fuck is your problem? You know who you are. It was around 3:30 and we were on SW Front Ave / Naito Parkway... you were headed towards Barbur Blvd., and seconds before you made a complete ass of yourself I had merged into the Lake Oswego exit lane in a white Mustang GT. I'd just like to know why you felt the need to go screaming past me at redline, sounding like a weedwhacker on crack and spewing blue smoke everywhere while you bounced all over the road, just barely staying within your own lane. Were you trying to impress me with the 'speed' of your little sporty commuter car? Were you trying to piss me off because I choose to drive an American vehicle? Did you just want to get home in a hurry so you could smoke some rocks and jack off to the mental image of me fucking your mom in the ass while your sister cheers me on? Your moronic act was obviously deliberate... I just don't understand why would anyone whose testicles have dropped would feel the need to try and impress/piss off the driver of another car who hasn't even acknowledged their existence. I'm sorry I didn't participate in a "mad tyte street race" with you, but even if I wanted to waste my gas beating a puny Civic, I wouldn't endanger myself and everyone else on the road by doing it on a public road in heavy traffic. If that's what you wanted, I will gladly meet you at PIR and embarrass you in front of a crowd. I already know my car is fast, unlike your vehicle it was designed with that purpose in mind, and I don't need to go racing economy cars on the street to prove it. You are the epitome of an idiot riceboy... not only do you drive like you have zero regard for your health or that of innocent bystanders, but you also fail miserably in modifying your already mediocre car to increase performance. That blue smoke your car pukes out when you hit the gas? Yeah, that's bad. Your engine is either seriously out of tune, or your rings are shot, but most likely both. The extent of which you have lowered your car has not only ruined the handling, but is killing your shocks, and within a few months of bouncing around on cut springs (or possibly $100 generic ebay coilovers set way too low) your 6 year old Honda will have more squeaks and rattles than my 16 year old Ford. Grow the fuck up. Throw away that The Fast and the Furious DVD you watch three times a day. You are the reason I sold my Integra and 240SX and bought a domestic car... I feel sorry for the few import enthusiasts left out there that actually know their shit and drive like reasonably sane adults, because these days everyone lumps them in the same group with asshat prepubescent boys like yourself. I know mommy doesn't let you out past 10 on school nights, but please, if you're going to drive like that on public roads, at least have the balls to sneak out and do it at 3 am. That way, when you pilot your little tin can into a brick wall at it's top speed of 115 mph, you will be the only casualty. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-09-26T17:09:56-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/100173905.html Attn: Idiot in the black Civic Si text Memo to my cat: I'm a vegan http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/98053875.html So why do you insist on standing at my feet while I'm preparing a meal for myself that you would find wholly unpalatable? What's that, cat? You want some hearts of romaine? No? Well then what the fuck are you wailing at me about? What's that? You want some aloo mataar? No? Indian food not your thing? Then leave me the fuck alone! There is a bowl of food sitting on the floor no more than five feet from where you are standing and jockeying for a taste of that delightful tofu. I even give you that fancy shit so you don't have to eat spinal cords and euthanised pets, or that whole eyeball I found in a can of Whiskas when I was a kid, but do you ever appreciate it? No, you stand there, protesting for a share of my tempeh, until I resignedly shove it in your face and watch you turn up your nose, only to resume your pained calls as soon as I return to what I was doing. Look, I accept your life choices. I realise your physiology is such that a vegan diet requires a great degree of supplementation and monitoring, and I thus far have not had the money nor the desire to buy all that crap and pay all that attention to you just to keep you fed. I put my ethics aside and buy the stuff that doesn't support [relatively] inhumane slaughterhouses so you can have the animal protein your digestive tract is so suited to break down. You should feel lucky that your "Fisherman's Delight" is made from fish and not from seaweed. Because it can be arranged. Since you seem to want to go vegan so bad. You'll really be crying at me when there's nothing but soy for either one of us to eat. No, you can't have any tahini! webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-09-16T18:04:56-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/98053875.html Memo to my cat: I'm a vegan text UPDATE: My CRAZY Pot Head Neighbor Lady http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/96326584.html Some of you may remember the pics I posted a while back of my neighbor, who wears either a kitchen POT or a tinfoil hat on her head - every day. Well let me tell you she is officially CRAZY (I know, as if the head wear didn't already give it away). Allow me if you will to replay the events of last night around 10:30: I stepped out back and sat down on my patio chair to have a smoke before heading to bed. Now sometimes the Pot Head Lady steps out in the evening also, so I didn't think anything of it when I heard her sliding door open. Until she started yelling. I looked around, then realized she was yelling at ME. Here's how it went - Pot Head Lady: Hey you fucking ASSHOLE! Next time you fucking shoot me do it to my face! Me: (looking around confusedly) Excuse me? PHL: (basically repeating the same thing over again) At this time I should say that I was thinking 'SHIT...hahaha...just MAYBE she was, in her own backwards way, talking about the pictures I took of her and she had found them on craigslist!' Now that would be funny, but that was over a month ago and I doubt she just found them now. Me: WHAT are you talking about?? PHL: (her tone temporarily changing to sound almost-sane) Do you live there? Me: Umm, Yes... PHL: You fucking TAZERED me in the back when I wasn't looking ASSHOLE! You SONOFABITCH YOU MADE MY KIDNEY HURT!!! Me: WHAT?! PHL: YOU FUCKING LIAR YOU DID IT - YOU TAZERED ME IN THE BACK!! Next time do it to my face!!! ASSHOLE! At this point I have nothing. I don't know whether to laugh and run for the camera again or get pissed because I have two young kids sleeping in the house and she is YELLING at me in my own backyard. Hoping to get her to SHUT UP, I decided to go with "Ok, you need to go back into your house lady." She looked at me for a second, muttered to herself about me being a "real class act" or something, then ignored me, watered her plants, and went back in. Never a dull moment here in Gresham. STAY TUNED... <img src=/about/best/images/96326584.1.jpg>  <img src=/about/best/images/96326584.2.jpg> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-09-08T18:46:45-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/96326584.html UPDATE: My CRAZY Pot Head Neighbor Lady text Don't make me hit on you - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/94681308.html As long as I was nice enough to skim through the week's worth of MCs I've missed, it would've been nice to at least get a mention. Did I? Not a one. Oh well, maybe someone I know got one, and I can be the bearer of good tidings to a friend, right? No dice there either. What do I find? A bunch of arguments and a bunch of people complaining about their exes and some bad poetry and a handfull of crappy MCs for some crappy people I've never met. What a disappointment. What's the holdup here ladies? It's not like I've been sitting in my house for the last week. I've been dining out, going to bars, reading magazines on Pioneer Square, smiling at everyone I see in what I believe to be a non-creepy way. If I spent any more time hiking up and down Alberta I'd have "72" on my forehead. I am attempting to, as my Mom would say, "put myself out there." In other words, I feel that I'm holding up my end of the MC bargain. So here's the deal, ladies: someone MC me by the end of the week, or I will exact my revenge by trying to flirt with you. You do not want that, because you will se me at my absolute worst. I know a lot of women claim to enjoy being hit on, but they're referring to men who are good at it. Do you want to be hit on by a blushing, stammering, monosyllabic, boob-staring neanderthal? Do you want to endure awkward silences of ten seconds or more while a (normally articulate) man tries, and fails, to think of something to say? Do you want to be forced into inventing an imaginary boyfriend because my nervousness is so palpable that it's making you physically uncomfortable? No you do not. You don't want that, I don't want that, no one wants that, so get with the program and post about me or face the consequences. You have (ominous music punctuated by thunderclap) one week. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-08-31T18:34:34-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/94681308.html Don't make me hit on you - m4w text you made me wet like the cellar in a cat lady's house - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/92033047.html I saw you on the street around SW 6th and Jackson Thursday evening. You sported brown curly hair and a yellow Corona shirt. I was wearing a rainbow hoodie, and I looked like hell from a night of drinking and torpidly playing Super Marioworld in a 4am fit of nostalgia. I am sure that if I had been afforded beforehand the opportunities of proper makeup application and a new set of hooters, I would have been able to catch your eye. It was like the one time I saw a delicious hipster purchasing Jagermeister in a liquor store while I was unshowered and looking like a homeless teenager, except this time I wasn't holding four shopping bags full of beer cans. I didn't actually drink all that beer myself, if you're thinking I'm not a classy lady. I got them from the communal dumpster in my apartment complex after the college kids had finished with their Friday night binging. I'm a firm believer in recycling and discounted booze, you see. But I digress. This story isn't about me; it's about my wants. I had entered the convenience store to purchase a particular flavor of Vitamin Water advertised in the window, which was not in stock. Because I'm a girl who'll try anything once, I instead grabbed a bottle of Strawberry-key-lime Visoda. Its sleek bottle promised to be full of vitamins, flavor, and the ability to make me a more attractive person by association. The clerk had two of his whelps with him, one of whom was screaming "You're cute!" at the girl in line ahead of me. She gave me the raspberry. I gave her father a dollar fifty and made myself laugh. I fucking hate kids. I walked out, opened my drink, and watched as you walked across my path. Your skin looked so fair and soft I could have licked Corona off it and not complained about the piss taste. Your hair was the clincher. I see curly hair and want to run my hands through it and pull it out in chunks. I took a swig of my drink and stared at the way your fashionable jeans lightly clung to your well-toned ass as the older guy with the toddler stared back at me. I thought about following you into an alley, but I did a half-assed job of shaving my snatch this morning, and first impressions are everything. I watched you until my long-expired contact lense prescription would allow me to watch you no more. My drink tasted like crap. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-08-19T01:57:55-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/92033047.html you made me wet like the cellar in a cat lady's house - w4m text Have you yelled at a stoned guy on a pink recumbent bike? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/90958672.html If so, shut the fuck up. There are quite a few dickheads like you out there who have nothing better to do than yell shit at me when I'm riding my bike, and I would appreciate it if you stopped. I hate living in Seaside. This shitty little tourist trap of a town gets on my nerves like no other, and I've been stuck here for over a year. I get high and ride my bike because it's a catharsis; I'm trying to get away from you fucks. You know exactly who you are: drunkards, old people, poseurs, skanks, yuppies, white trash, children of drunken white trash or yuppies, etc. You come here from Portland, which is a beautiful city, to see the beach. Once you're here, you realize that the beach is where dirt meets water, so you get bored and do things like blow money on overpriced crap from local merchants who make their fortunes by selling, well, overpriced crap to idiot tourists, and/or you get drunk at one of the many bars downtown. After you blow all your money on useless shit or alcoholic beverages, you look for someone different from you to fuck with, because that's what makes this country great. My bike, which is a 2001 BikeE CT with a red anodized aluminum frame which you retards think is pink for some reason, is certainly different. <img src=http://www.crunkniggaz.com/bike1.jpg> It looks a little different, therefore we must YELL AT THE PERSON RIDING IT INCESSANTLY! You idiots yell at me at least 5-10 times a day, depending upon what time of day I go riding. You'd think that, given the sheer number of times per day I'm yelled at, there would be a little variation in the dialogue, but there's not. People typically only yell at me to slow down/watch out, or to tell me that I have a nice bike. Guess what, dipshits. I know I'm going fast. You don't need to tell me. If I crash, I'm going to get hurt. Thus, instinct dictates that I avoid it. If you really want to avoid an accident, perhaps you should get the fuck out of the way rather than tell me my business. Do you know why I go 40mph down the promenade? Because I'm able to do it safely. The only threat to my safety is you: the heroic town criers that insist upon making sure that everyone around them behaves a certain way instead of looking out for yourself and adapting to your surroundings like a rational being. If you don't want any harm to come to your fat, tick-like wife and ugly, ugly children, then perhaps your antithesis of a functional family shouldn't take up the entire width of a sidewalk that is designated for bicycle traffic. For those of you who want to compliment me on my bike, you seriously, sincerely, need to keep your goddamned trap shut. I have a cool bike? No fucking shit. I thought the same thing when I saw it, hence why I own it. WOW! Am I going REEEEEAAAALLY FAST? I guess you'd better yell that at me as I'm barrelling down a hill passing moving cars, because I would never know otherwise. Seriously, how fucked in the head do you have to be in order to get your jollies by yelling inane bullshit at complete strangers in public places? Just fucking stop. Leave me alone. Let me ride in peace. Also, please don't contact me for anything, ever. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-08-14T04:59:31-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/90958672.html Have you yelled at a stoned guy on a pink recumbent bike? text You talkin' to ME?!? - A cabbie's RANT http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/89073308.html It’s inevitable. At some point in your life, you’re going to take a taxi somewhere. Maybe only once, to the airport, say, because the friend who was supposed to take you flaked out at the last minute. Perhaps you’ll take taxis frequently because the bus doesn’t run when or where you’d like. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to be caught driving under the influence, they’re no doubt a very important part of your life. If you’re from a city like New York, you’re probably familiar with the ins and outs of “cabbing it.” However, after driving a cab for one of P-town’s largest cab companies for the last couple of years, I’ve found that Portland residents are not always savvy when it comes to the dos and don’ts of catching a cab. So, as a service to you, my beloved customers, I would like to share with you a little insight that will hopefully make each of our experiences a bit more enjoyable. First, let’s discuss me, the driver. I’m a businessman (or woman). I’m out here trying to make a living. I’m not running a charity. Please don’t ask for freebies and cut rates. I’m not out here for you. I’m out here for me. Maybe I own my cab, maybe I don’t. It doesn’t matter. Either way, I’m my own boss, more or less. Oh sure, the company I work for would like me to follow certain rules, be nice to the customers, obey the traffic laws, etc. The point is they don’t pay me. I make my money by giving people rides. I pay for the car, the gas, maintenance, and such. I keep all the fares. That’s how it works. The meter is simply a tool to accurately measure the price of my service, per the posted rates. They are always the same and rarely ever change. Whining about the fare isn’t going to make the ride any cheaper. There’s no way for me to make the meter run faster or slower, although there are tricks that some dishonest cabbies will use to run up your fare. Beware of taxi drivers who deliberately try to catch red lights, who sit too long after the light turns green, or who find other ways to delay your trip, including taking the longest or most congested route. Now let’s discuss you, the passenger. First of all, you need a taxi. So you pick up the phone and call your favorite cab company. This is a good time to turn on your porchlight (if it’s dark outside) and be ready to go. Yes, maybe you’ll have a 15-20 minute wait, but don’t be surprised if we show up in 5. If you’re not ready when we show up, we’re apt to start the meter and charge you for the wait time. Sometimes, however, it may take a lot longer than 15-20 minutes. Please be patient, especially if it’s rush hour. Remember, most of this city’s cabs start their shifts downtown between 4 and 6 am/pm. If you’re in Clackamas, Hillsboro, Vancouver or Tualatin, it’s fair to say that you’re going to have a little bit of a wait. Be patient. We will get to you as soon as we can. In the meantime, if you should happen to find alternative transportation, please call back and let us know. It isn’t the driver’s fault it took so long; please don’t take it out on me. It’s money right out of my pocket every time I chase after a “no-show.” Besides, part of the reason it often takes so long is that we’re chasing after other people who called us and then split. Oh, and one other thing. DO NOT CALL MORE THAN ONE CAB COMPANY! There is an unwritten agreement with Portland taxi drivers that if more than one of us shows up, we all leave. Not only will you not get a cab, you’ll be blacklisted and will never get another cab again! And don’t think that just because you escaped in the first cab, the second guy’s out of luck. Bathroom breaks are few and some of us have been known to relieve ourselves on your front door. I’m not saying this will happen, only that it could. You have been warned! If you’re downtown barhopping on the weekend with your friends, calling a cab might not be your best option. In this situation, it might be easier to go outside and hail the first empty cab you see. Do not call a cab and then hail one down. Do one or the other. If you decide to hail a cab, again, be patient. If I don’t stop for you, there’s a good reason. Usually, I already have a passenger and you couldn’t see them in the car (this happens all the time). I might be going after someone who called me on my cell phone. Don’t take it personal. Just keep waving. Be obvious. Eye contact and timidly raising a finger will not get you a cab. Flail your arms or, better yet, use a flashlight. Someone will stop for you soon. If you call a cab from your cell phone while you’re still in the bar, do yourself a favor and LET THE BARTENDER/DOORMAN KNOW! I am not going to wander around the club looking for you and neither are they. Unless you’re waiting outside, you’re probably going to lose your cab! Once you’ve gotten a cab, let us know where you’re going. This would seem like an obvious thing but you’d be surprised how many times it’s like pulling teeth to get someone to tell you where they wish to go. “Over there” is not a destination! If you have a preferred route, by all means, let me know. Do not, however, start giving me directions by saying, “First, back out of the parking space…” unless you want to find out just how surly I can get. Don’t treat me like an idiot. Chances are, I know this town better than you do and if I’m not familiar with your neighborhood, believe me I’ll ask. Besides, I’m quite often the only sober one in the vehicle. So trust me, would ya? When you hire a cab, you are hiring the driver. I perform a service, you see. That service is to get you from Point A to Point B, not to put up with your shit. Just because you’ve jumped into my cab does not mean that you own the vehicle. You may not do as you please! I might let you listen to your silly Top 40 radio station, I might not. Either way, the choice is mine. Get over it! My car is my office. It’s my work environment and I spend upwards of 12 hours a day in it. So if I say “No smoking,” that means NO SMOKING! If you cut a nasty fart, you may find yourself walking the rest of the way in the rain! Please, be respectful! Assholes are a dime a dozen and your rude, crude behavior will not be tolerated! If I happen to be a female driver, don’t think you have the right to be disgusting. It takes a special breed of woman to drive a cab and most of the female drivers in this town can, and will, kick your ass if you step out of line! Once you’ve reached your destination, it’s time to pay your driver. Now is not the time to tell me that all you have is a $100 bill. Believe me, I will keep the meter running while we go find a place to break it! Some cabs take credit cards, some don’t. It’s best to ask this information before you leave, not after you arrive. Should you “suddenly realize” that you don’t have enough cash on you and you need to run in the house to get some, be prepared to leave something of value with me until you get back. Don’t flip me any crap about it either. I know you’re probably a nice person who would never rip anyone off, but so were all the other people who have ripped me off over the years! This is how the game works, just play along! Leave me with your backpack, your cell phone, your jacket, something of value so I don’t think you’re trying to run on me. Trust me, you don’t want me to think you’re running on me! Most cabbies carry some sort of weapon and we HATE being ripped off! Don’t worry, I’m not going to drive off with your “Hello Kitty” backpack. Honestly, I’d really rather have the cash. This leads us to the topic of tipping (not, as they say, a city in China). YES, it is appropriate to tip your driver! How much? Well, that’s really up to you. The rule of thumb is to tip your cabbie the same as you would tip your bartender (you are tipping your bartender, aren’t you??). For example, let’s say your fare is $15. A tip of $2-4 is adequate. Anything less and you are a cheap bastard. More than that and you’re a Prince among men and/or a Queen among women (or a Queen among men, if you happen to swing that way!). A word of advice, though. Never, EVER say “I’m going to tip you out huge” or some other such nonsense. It’s a statistical fact that 96.3% of people who say this fall into the category of “cheap bastard.” If I think you’re a cheap bastard, I may use one of the above-mentioned tactics to run up your fare. Don’t threaten to tip me, just do it! That goes for your bartender, your tattooist, and your favorite nude dancer as well! Now a quick word to those who never take cabs, who drive their cars instead, especially in the downtown area. Look folks, it’s simple. When you’re behind a taxicab, it’s like being behind a bus. Expect the vehicle to stop at some point. Do not ride my ass and then, when I stop to pick up a fare, start blaring your horn and flipping me off. You’re only making yourself look like an idiot. Do you do the same thing to busses? Do you tailgate TriMet drivers and scream obscenities at them at every bus stop? No. Then why do it to us? I’m just trying to do my job and sometimes, especially downtown, that job necessitates double parking for a very brief period of time. Sorry if I ruined your whole day. Taking a cab can actually be a very enjoyable experience, once you understand how the whole process works. If you’re going out for a night on the town, don’t drive – call us! Think of us as a DUI insurance policy. Paying a cabbie $15-20 to get you home is far better than paying the State of Oregon $5000 plus, in addition to losing your license, having your insurance go way up, etc. Not to mention the fact that you may kill or maim yourself or someone else while driving drunk. Not worth it! Park your car and hop in. That’s what we’re here for! You can save yourself a little bit of money by taking a few friends with you. Sure, it’s a buck extra for each additional passenger (yes, we charge for extra passengers – please don’t act surprised and give me grief about it when we reach your destination!). In the long run, splitting a $20 fare between 4 people makes taking a cab about as cheap as buying that cute blonde at the end of the bar a drink, and if you’re nice I may even give you my phone number, unlike the blonde! You see, many cabbies carry cell phones so our preferred customers can call us directly, without having to call dispatch. Not all cabbies do this but many do. If you like your driver, ask for a card. This is the best way to get a cab, by the way. Get your own personal driver! Keep in mind that I give priority to my “personals,” especially the ones that tip well. See you on the streets! webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-08-04T22:41:47-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/89073308.html You talkin' to ME?!? - A cabbie's RANT text To my naked hot tub party neighbors http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/86310316.html So I have no idea if it is on again this weekend, but if it is can I make some suggestions? 1) You guys are freaking hilarious, at the very least please record the audio from your night. Last weekends favorite quote “I want your boobies to kiss my boobies” 2) Please hand out a lyrics sheet to all members of the hot tub. I would love to help pick the songs, if I am going to have to listen to them. Although the sentiment was sweet your song (Islands in the stream) of choice last week, really blew. My requests: Down Under (Men at Work), She Goes Down (Motley Crue) 3) Lets make it an official rule, every time a guy stands up you ladies must yell at the top of your lungs “Cocktail” and then drink. Also for every time someone says boobies, the group drinks. 4) Plastic only – lesson learned 5) Just say, turn off your porch light rather then unscrewing it. I will hop right up and do it. I didn’t realize when you were having one of you unscrew a light it was mine. 6) In the event you are playing “guess who’s foot”, please be clear with your rules. There seemed to be some confusion in the past. 7) I didn’t quite catch all the shapes that had been shaved in the ladies whoonie nananas. Please redo that conversation and a little louder. 8) Bring back Willie, everyone loves Willie. Or even better just get Jack Black. My favorite part was hearing him talk about how much he loves being a soccer coach to these little kids while he was sitting buck ass naked in a hot tub. Somehow naked hot tubs and talks of children don’t seem to mix. 9) Start and finish times; 3:30 am to 5:30 throws my schedule completely off. Can we shoot for 1 – 3 am? 10) Thanks for describing the cup sizes, lets make that a habit. Really feel free to be as descriptive as possible. When I compared notes with the other neighbors we weren’t exactly sure who had what. Maybe repeat your name after the description. 11) After this weekend we will have two more neighbors. They will be living upstairs and I am guessing will have a pretty unobstructed view. I do not know if they will find you as funny as I do. Maybe an invite for them? 12) Bathroom use, kudos to all of you who got out of the hot tub! The couple of you who didn’t…….shame! 13) The ass smacking, although it sounded solid I think needs some work. Don’t be shy really get after it! After all, your drunk and you’ll need something to remember it by. 14) If you find yourself in a lull, feel free to just yell boobies or cocktail for no apparent reason. 15) Last rule, please only very attractive naked hot tub party attendees. Unless you follow strict rules of bringing them home after I have gone to bead. Which will allow me to imagine it is Halle Berry, Jessica Alba and Pam Anderson in your hot tub. Last weekend rather then get mad and try and sleep, I thought screw it, I’ll just listen to the show. 20 feet away just isn’t far enough to stop sound. Thanks for the entertainment. Your neighbor who knows better then to be a hypocrite webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-07-22T17:44:26-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/86310316.html To my naked hot tub party neighbors text Are you my soul mate? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/83488690.html SWM in dead-end job seeks dumpy neurotic for mutual psychological torture, tepid sex, and co-dependency. I enjoy drinking, smoking, pornography, and self-righteous indignation. I can't stand movies, and the last album I bought was The Marshall Tucker Band's Greatest Hits. I have middling intelligence but try to appear smarter by affecting a world-weary air, memorizing useless facts, and chuckling at my own mean-spirited, agenda-driven jokes. I'm 40, but look 50 and feel 60. You are a whiny, bitter shrew with a misplaced sense of entitlement and unrealistic expectations. In time you will become coolly hostile when I don't fulfill every unmet need you've ever had. Bonus points if you just finished screwing every guy in town and but now want to take it slow with me. My perfect night would include getting hammered in a sleazy bar while you flirt with seedy old drunks, followed by an embarrassing screaming match. I would be open to an unsatisfying fling that leaves me filled with regret and dread but prefer a long-term, soul crushing descent into booze and pills. No friendships. I don't need any goddamn friends. Age unimportant, but I will condescend to women under 30 and rehash mother issues with women over 40. Serious replies only, please. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-07-09T22:50:08-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/83488690.html Are you my soul mate? text Missed connection with the apostrophe. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/80765035.html You saw me today on the MAX, giving directions to confused passengers. You saw me driving my green Ford pick-up around Halsey, brushing my dark curls aside to put on my sunglasses. You saw me last year at the String Summit, wearing my blue "wild and crazy kids" t-shirt. I'm your beautiful, intelligent co-worker with whom you had a failed affair. I ripped your heart to shreds. I am the Belmont Coffee Beauty. I am fiery, long-lost Kaylene. And I saw you, too, across the crowded MAX train, lurking in self-help at Powell's, picking out bananas at Fred Meyer's. And I, too, was instantly intrigued by your sincere smile/sparkling eyes/hot ass. I was too shy/busy/frazzled to say hello, but I think of you often and am quite smitten. And I would love to meet you/buy you a drink/help you pick out a good banana sometime. It's just that I read your post on Missed Connections and my image of you instantly deflated. Your ignorance of the American language and grammar rules cheapen the meaningful eye contact/conversation/hot blowjob we once shared, and now I've lost all interest. If you can't distinguish between "your" and "you're," how will you ever please me intellectually/emotionally/sexually? I can't be attracted to or intrigued by you when you make such blatant errors. It seems that my real missed connection is with that elusive squiggle that hovers (ghostlike) between so few u's and r's. If you're out there, apostrophe, and you read this, call me. I think we will have a true friendship/a long-lasting love/a hot fuck. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-06-24T16:12:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/80765035.html Missed connection with the apostrophe. text Open letter to all Honda owners. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/80077215.html Dear Honda owners, I don't want to race you. That's right, I'm un-interested in trying to challenge you and your faux supercar in a drag race between stoplights downtown. I don't know why you all feel the need to glare at me while the light is red. You don't have to change your grip on the steering wheel like its a pair of motorcycle handlebars, either. You especially don't need to rev your four-cylinder with its loud exhaust system because you might tempt me to want to race you. I don't. What really gets me, though, is with the abundance of similarly craptastic hondas out there, why do you want to race me? The way I figure it, you want to race everything in sight. My Jeep has less than 200 horsepower and the aerodynamics of a barn. However, I suppose the near-verticle air dam which is my windshield isn't neccesarily discouraging to someone who puts a god-damn wing on the back of a front wheel drive car. More downforce for the rear wheels then, eh? That way you can accelerate faster, right? Great work, dipshit. But seriously. I don't get it. I don't ask you to go drive trails with me. I don't wave and say 'lets go haul ass through a mud pit'. Sure, I spend about as much time off pavement as you do on the track, but at least I can tell the difference between a race car and a 4x4. Does my Jeep look like a challenge or something? Do you and your honda friends get together and say 'Dood! I just beat that Jeep with the big tires and low gears! I'm so fast!' The way I figure it, your car sucks so much, you can't beat any of the other Hondas, and sure as hell don't want to admit defeat. Instead of buying a genuinely fast car, you choose to get your rocks off racing easy vehicles in your piece of shit. Way to go, badass! I'm proud of you! Why don't we get together and beat up some kids later. I'll let you sucker punch a baby. It will be hard core. Seriously, though. Please, please, the next time you see me, or any other non-challenging vehicle at a light, don't antagonize them and encourage them to 'race.' Instead, pull your head our of your ass, and realize that your hatchback is probably faster than a minivan, delivery truck, recreational vehicle, bicycle, u-haul, and other similar underpowered non/aerodynamic vehicles. Oh, and don't forget, you're probably faster than me, too. Go play some more Gran Turismo, and quit being a jackass. Thank you. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-06-21T10:20:29-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/80077215.html Open letter to all Honda owners. text The two tiered wicker table in Sellwood listed TWICE a day EACH DAY http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/79794597.html I am a huge fan of recycling/reusing. I do both frequently. I love to buy, I love to sell, I just LOVE old stuff and my house is packed full of it! And I realize that Craigslist is a terrific place to fix that jones - isn't it great that we all get to list our old unwanted, unneeded, `just won't work in our home' stuff? And isn't the amount of stuff we don't want, need, or just plain won't fit mind boggling!? And isn't it even better when you find something you've been looking for, something really specific, and you're not going to have to pay retail because, by God, you just found it secondhand, for a sweet deal on CL! RIGHT ON don't you just LOVE IT!!?? I've been on a mission for a few weeks now. I'm searching for a coffee table. Nothing fancy, just a good quality second hand coffee table to go in my good quality second hand house. So every day I look, and I search by `table'. Just table, because not everyone calls a coffee table a table. So I search by `table' so I can cast a wider net. And EVERY SINGLE DAY, at least TWICE a day, for SO MANY days in a row that it's absolutely googely, you have listed this little two tiered wicker table. You know it, yes you do know it darn it, so don't pretend you don't. You've taken new pics, you delete your previous listings, and you try and try and you try to PLEASE GOD unload this thing. Now I'm telling you, because I see that table every damn day, at least twice a day, that there isn't a single person on CL that wants you to sell that table more than I do. God as my witness, I swear that's true. I am nearly at the point of PAYING someone to buy that little table from you just so I don't have to look at it anymore. Whenever I type in `table' as my search, and yet AGAIN see your two tiered wicker table listed, I become a bit more neurotic about it. I've even thought about that damned table when I'm NOT on CL, it irritates me so much. It makes me want to cry, it makes me want to scream, it makes me want to devour a 2 lb bag of peanut M&Ms followed by a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi. For some reason, quite sadly, the little table isn't wanted at present. Day after day, it's rejected. Sad, lonely little table, I guess no one realizes just how charming it is, or no one has room for a little white wicker two tiered table right now. Or perhaps it's just kismet and the table was meant to be yours, and yours alone. Maybe someday you'll find a good home for it, somewhere. But not HERE, and NOT NOW. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-06-19T23:30:36-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/79794597.html The two tiered wicker table in Sellwood listed TWICE a day EACH DAY text i was naked, you were on the phone - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/77384694.html Dear Mr PGE Meter man, This morning around 9:00 you were at my house checking my meters. I was naked digging furiously through my laundry basket of clean clothes. You see, I was in a cleaning mood last night. This doesnt happen very often, and when it does, it results in me doing massive amounts of laundry...all of my clothes get hauled upstairs and sorted and washed and then they stay there because im always too tired to finish the job and haul them back down. So when I woke up this morning, all I had to put on in my room was a pair of jeans. Now, considering its just me and one other female living in this house, I wasn't concerned with going upstairs topless to dig through and find my bra and shirt to wear that day. Little did I know, you were chilling in your truck in my driveway. After a good solid 15 seconds of rummaging through the heap and finding a bra with underwire in both cups (a recent battle for me has been underwire poking the shit out me - so I rip it out and destroy my bra), a nice shirt, and a pair of underwear to put on under my jeans, I looked out the window to check the weather, and noticed your little truck...sitting there...with you in it...looking at me. Now here is where my apology begins. The horrified scream I released wasnt because you were ugly, scary, or stalker-resembling, it was from the shock that I had just given you a full frontal with time enough to find the camera phone selection, take a shot of me, decide you didnt like it, erase it, take another one, save it, and label it "now here's a way to start my monday morning". Not that you did that, but you would have had time to. So I ran back away from the window, mortified and attempting to cover my chest, which is hard to do...they arent mosquito bites. So I feel bad about yelling. Sorry I was comforting myself...maybe he didnt see? but when I looked out my window, you were on the phone giggling and i swear I saw the word tits being sait...maybe im just paranoid. So here is the deal, since youve already seen my boobs, i was wondering if you would be willing to get even with me? If you read this, tell me a little about yourself...maybe you saw my boobs for a reason? hahaha Sincerely, Topless and Mortified webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-06-06T17:52:11-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/77384694.html i was naked, you were on the phone - w4m text An insane bird lives outside my window - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/75218079.html I want to kill it. I want to take it by the neck and squeeze the life's blood out of it drip by friggin drip. I want some bad, bad man to move next door and hear it and take his pistol, still warm from the night before, and blow it's chirpy little beak off. I want Charleton Heston to be my new neighbor (but I bet he won't because the rent is only $650 per month and he can probably afford more) and get really miffed 'cause he can't sleep 'till noon and then I want him to launch out of bed in his extra long boxers (rumors in Hollywood would indicate he needs the added fabric)and grab his rifle (which was resting on the pillow next to his) and blast my annoying feathered friend right off of his perenial perch. And, boy oh boy, am I lamenting last spring when IT was single. Alone. Without friends. No other birdies to frolick with. God only knows what we don't appreciate 'till it's long gone. I knew, then, he was on his way to crazy. Or, at the very least, suffering from some sort of winged Turet's Syndrome. Very vocal for a stint and then nothing for hours on end. That was bad enough. After a "session" I would sit and listen and anticipate the next unpredictable bout. Minutes, hours, even whole days would pass by with my ears ready for the interruption. I recall friends bringing me food and the oft needed sundries because I didn't want to leave my abode and miss another chance to get annoyed. Something about justified angst. I can't really tell if the flight worthy little beast has brought his loud family back to roost or if they're his newfound drinking buddies (reference to a bird fountain or Cheers, whichever floats your boat). So, anyway, an insane bird lives outside my window. Think I'm projecting? Single, sexy, and superfluous. Come fly with me, come fly come fly away.... webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-25T00:29:27-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/75218079.html An insane bird lives outside my window - w4m text Rave: Living http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/71243373.html The last call I received this morning before ending my shift was from a man who had come home to find his girlfriend passed out and not breathing. His mind, emotions, spirit were understandably experiencing the largest invasion ever. Once reassured, he was focused and diligent in his attempts to help the woman he loved. He was remarkable in his efforts, likely the best I have coached through such a situation in 8 years, unfortunately I didnt have a chance to tell him that. I dont know how this story ended, we rarely do, but I prayed the entire drive home that this woman would survive. Obviously, it was difficult to fall asleep once I got home. I burnt some of the adrenaline by cleaning my youngest daughters' bedroom until it was time to wake them for school. The little rave comes in here: I begin to wake my girls. My youngest had hit her head on the table the night before while trying to experience what it was like to be blind (lesson learned) so as I stretched her awake, she opened her eyes slightly lifting her brow and cried out in pain (obviously a bruise from cracking the table), then she laughed (likely remembering how it happened), and the more she laughed the more her eyebrow raised.... you get the idea. After the morning routine we are on our way to the school: I have noticed several times a man who waits at the bus stop along the way, and have developed a huge respect for this stranger. He appears to be a single dad, always has his toddler son snuggled close, and obviously has a less than convenient schedule as he rushes for the bus. However, he radiates contentment. This morning, his son was dressed in a great tigger meets flintstones orange with black animal striped shirt (had to love it) covered with overalls all cradled close to dad's chest in a snuggle wrap, accented by matching father-son star trek'es kinda sunglasses on. I admire the fact that this man who likely has a tremendous list of things to pack each morning as he heads out, doesnt forget this little detail..the one that will make his son feel 'like dad' for the rest of the day. The roses began to bud this morning... have you checked yours? We all have things to bitch about, things we would like to change or have changed for us... but we are all blessed... most of us far more than we take the time to acknowledge. Savor your day. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-02T09:16:48-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/71243373.html Rave: Living text A Week In The Doghouse http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/71138462.html Instructions for taking care of our dogs while we're away: MEET THE DOGS XENA a.k.a. Xenabean, Bean, Beanface, Face, Shepherdydog Turn ons: Toys, bumping people/other dogs/cats with toys, barking at the basement ceiling, torturing the cats Turn offs: The mailman, Sadie, anyone who comes to the front door Xena is low-maintenance. She will be mopey and pathetic without us and will need lots of love. Love her. The basement is Xena’s chosen realm. She would like nothing better than to stay down there all day barking at the monsters that live in the ceiling, but you can’t let her; she will become a mushroom. If we come home and find a mushroom in the place of our dog, we will be very sad, and you won’t be allowed to come and visit us ever again. To get Xena out of the basement, try any or any combination of the following: Xena wants to eat the mailman. When he comes, she will stand at the front door with a toy, shake it menacingly and growl. DO NOT let her out when he is within two blocks of the house. We had an incident involving her launching herself at him through a broken window screen last year and didn't get mail for a week. It took a lot of ass-kissing to make up for that, and I'd rather not have to degrade myself that way again. In general, Xena will act as if she’s ready to eviscerate anyone who comes to the front door. This is handy when dealing with solicitors – just point to her, shrug and they’ll go away. Even the most dedicated Jehova's Witness isn't going to risk facing the gnashing teeth of the fierce-looking shepherdy-dog for your whithered little soul. Xena does not want you to leave the house. Ever. She will attempt to stop you by bumping you repeatedly with a stuffed toy and growling. Just remember that this is all an act; Gund-related injuries are rare. Go ahead and walk out the door. SADIE a.k.a. Sadiebear, Babybear, Fatty, Beagledog Turn ons: Food, pinkbellies, food, brushings, food, the itchy spot by her tail, walks, treats, snacks and food Turn offs: Being bumped by Xena, not getting food Sadie’s easy except for the pooping (refer to the section below titled: THE BUSINESS). She loves taking walks, and if you feel like walking, she’ll go until she drops. Her harness and leash are hanging by the back door. She’ll start to howl as soon as you make a move for them, and will stop after you’ve gone about two blocks. It’s her way of telling everyone in the neighborhood, “I’m WALKING! Look at ME! I’m WALKING, I’m SNIFFING, I’VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! Does it GET any better than THIS?????? I’m a BEAGLE by GOD and I’m WALKING! LIFE IS SO FUCKING GOOOOOOOD!. Bring lots of bags; you’ll need them (again refer to THE BUSINESS section). If you encounter children on your walks, feel free to steer Sadie in their direction for greetings. We used to live near an elementary school and I’ve seen her with as many as eight small children on top of her at one time – she loves the attention. Just be careful if they’re holding any type of food product. To a beagle, a child with food is simply a delivery system for nutrients – kind of like the stick part of a corn dog. Useful, but disposable. GRENDEL a.k.a. Gendelfriend, ‘lil Friend, Friendly Friend, Woobie, DACHSHUND!!! Turn ons: His woobie, nesting, laps, bedtime Turn offs: Not being in a lap Grendel pees; it’s what he does. When he pees, he’s saying, “I’m just a tiny dachshund, go ahead and dominate me. See how helpless I am? I’m peeing! I can’t hurt you; I can’t even control my own bladder”. To avoid the peeing: When you come home, save the greetings until you’re outside. Don’t try to pick him up, ever. He’ll jump in your lap when he wants to, and he’ll want to any time you’re sitting down. Don’t put your face close to him and yell DACHSHUND!!!!!!!! (The Boy does it quite often, and the result is always the same) Grendel will be in your lap as much as you let him. He especially likes if you cover him with a blanket and let him make a little nest there. Keep in mind that he is virtually naked, so he gets cold and depends on human body heat to sustain him. Please don’t freeze the dachshund. CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? Sadie and Grendel are in love; Sadie and Xena are not. Sadie and Grendel like to snuggle under blankets on the living room chairs and take naps together. Sadie and Xena like to have stand-offs that consist of the two of them nose-to-nose and barking and growling at maximum volume for up to ten minutes at a stretch. Remember that famous cat-fight scene from Dynasty with Lynda Evans and Joan Collins trying to claw each other's eyes out in the fountain? Or was it a hot tub? Whatever. It's kind of like that but without the Bob Mackie gowns. If this happens, the best thing to do is either a) just get up and leave the room or b) stand up, point to the door of whichever room you’re in and say “OUT” in a loud, firm voice and until they both leave the room. DO NOT try to separate them. Trying to separate them is bad. THE BUSINESS Dogs go outside first thing in the morning, right before you leave for work, right when you get home, and before bed. Xena is perfect, she never has accidents. Grendel rarely has accidents and will want to go outside as often as you want to let him. Sadie gets her own section here. Sadie is a bad, bad dog when it comes to controlling her colon. In her defense, we discovered after the last trip to the vet (when she refused to poop for three days because the grass was wet and she didn’t want to step in it) that Sadie has the longest colon in the history of Beagledom. According to the vet, it is at least twice as long as any colon she has ever encountered (professionally speaking, I’m sure). Possibly because it is so long, it is almost always full and this causes her to have accidents. You will master the art of picking up poop by putting your arm in a bag, grabbing the offending substance, then turning the bag inside out for tying/disposal. We get the newspaper every morning and the plastic bags it is delivered in are ideal for this job. The long bags allow you to cover yourself up to the elbow in plastic, decreasing any accidental fecal-to-skin contact. Occasionally, you may face a liquid spill. The mop is in the kitchen pantry next to the garbage can. Ammonia is under the sink. I’m sorry. She has a problem, but I love her anyhow. You can decrease the chances of befouling by making sure Sadie actually eliminates when she is outside. Go out with her, point to the yard and say, “Go potty” in a high, unnatural voice. You may have to walk into the yard a bit, then repeat this several times. You’ll feel like a complete asshole, but she’ll listen. BEDTIME Sadie likes to snuggle under the covers if you read before turning in, but she must go in her Vari-Kennel™ when you’re ready to sleep. Just open the door and tell her “Go to bed” or “Get in the box” and she’ll go (usually with a pathetically theatrical sigh), and will usually go right to sleep. If she whines, it means she has to go outside again because she didn’t go the first time you let her out. Very, very rarely she’ll wake you up in the morning – if she does, she’s got to GO. For the love of god, take her OUT. That vet visit I mentioned a couple of paragraphs ago? Ended up being a $400 emergency room trip at 3 a.m. for a doggie enema. I’m sure you can understand why I’d like it to be the last of its kind. Bedtime is Grendel’s favorite time. He will bring his woobie and dive under the covers. He’ll make a nest next to you/on top of you/between two parts of your anatomy and usually won’t move until morning. Xena likes to patrol the house at night, so even if she sleeps upstairs, she will be on/off the bed throughout the evening. Sometimes she sleeps next to the bed, but if she sleeps on the bed she prefers the spoon position, and occupies approximately the same amount of space as a 300-lb. man. She also hogs the covers and is often flatulent in the evenings, so if you’re missing having a long-term relationship, a week with her should cure you completely. Thanks again for taking care of our family. It seems like a lot of work, but trust me, it’s worth it. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-05-01T14:40:33-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/71138462.html A Week In The Doghouse text I want to fight a Vegan http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/70876959.html I have developed a recent desire to “fight-club” a male of Vegan conviction. I’m looking for a Hetro-Vegan male of similar build to fight, in a no rules, just-beat-the-crap-out-of-one-another-kind-of-fight. I’m 5’ 7” and weighs 135 pounds, and I use to do Judo and self-defense 10 years ago (yellow belt). I sincerely promise that it’s not a Gay or masochist thing, or in any way sexual related. Nor do I represent commercial or monetary interests of any kind. This fight is simply a straight forward “Work through your feelings” meets “Express your frustration” type of thing. Condition 1. You must wear at least one piece of Vegan paraphernalia with the text “Vegan, then nobody gets hurt.” That will get my blood boiling in no time and would ensure a more interesting fight. I promise to wear a T-shirt with something equally provoking…like “Eat your steak like a man,” or “McDonalds.” Condition 2. You must be an all-out-level-three-Vegan (for at least three years). This means no honey in your herbal tea, not even on Spring equinox! No leather shoes, and please, don’t be a sell-out by having a sorry ass job at a conventional Café that serves low fat Tuna Club sandwiches. Condition 3. You must be political active and not just agree with Vegan babes to get laid (no exceptions). I want to see scars from police dogs, picture of your arrest at Animal Rights rallies, or the protest banner that you made yourself and swung outside Burger King’s cooperate headquarters. In return I can only promise that I am an ordinary guy who pays little attention to the news, and who quietly supports the humane treatment of animals by buying organic meat. And who likes his bacon and eggs in the morning, and believes that his diet is none of your damn business. If this have your interest, please respond to this rant. With the right person I honestly believe that we can cultivate some seriously animosity, so let’s meet and kick some teeth in. Sincerley Killer Diet Man webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-29T15:27:19-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/70876959.html I want to fight a Vegan text Dear Sir/Madam in the 10-Item Check-out Line http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/67945814.html I see that you have morphed from a throbbing-veined heart-attack-in-waiting into a semi-literate person willing to post your wrath on Craigslist. Congratulations. That might be Step #2 on the road to recovery. I understand that it is frustrating to deal with any combination of the following: an old lady with multiple, perhaps expired coupons; a person who cannot count and brings at least 20 items into the line, including a feminine hygiene product that needs a price-check; or the tired and frazzled cashier that is moving, robot-like, through the 14-hour shift that allows her to feed and dress her 7 children thanks to the patronage of suited and loafered assholes like yourself. You're standing there so irate, so convinced everyone is just an inconsiderate moron, yet you're the same person driving solo in the carpool lane then cutting over the other 3 just in time to exit at a brake-squealing rate, so you get to work on time to make the money that empowers you to fume at others in a grocery store. I.E., who are you to judge? Here is a tip for your future health: stop stressing out about it. You're standing there, clutching an organic frozen dinner, tampons/condoms, a 6-pack of microbrew and a small bag of gourmet cat food that cost more than my whole week's grocery budget, and I can almost guarantee that you're either going to pay with a flashy credit card or a wad of cash that you have to fumble through under the counter so nobody can see how much you've got. I bet you have 2 wads of cash, one to pull out when punks like me are watching, and one to pull out in the safety of your own high-rise office building. If you continue stressing out about what is, in essence, 4 minutes and 37 seconds of your life, you'll probably have to start taking a prescription drug that will soon be pulled off the shelves because, although it will lower your blood pressure, it will also make your liver shrivel up and start producing peonies. Better to take deep breaths and remember with a fond smile how you put that doorman/valet/janitor in his place today. Someone might take that smile as mysterious and amused, ask for your phone number, and someday give you head. Mysterious and amused is much better than intolerant jerk, in my book. But, while your fingers turn white and you stare with death-laser eyes at the overflowing purse of the woman in front of you, I have to stand behind you holding my one item, which is generally a carton of eggs because they're on sale and I can feast for days! If it is so important to you that other customers respect your place in line, why is it that you don't even considering letting me & my eggs (or some poor white-haired old man with 4 cans of cat food and an obvious fake leg and look of pain) step ahead of you to conduct our transactions? That way you can complain loudly on your cell phone about the rudeness of strangers while remaining lazily self-complacent about your own status as an actual human being. And I can share an ironic smile with the cashier and be on my way. I have a multi-faceted plan that may help you conquer your extreme distaste for those who don't follow the rules, don't move fast enough for you, or attempt to save 50 cents on an expired coupon because her Parkinson's medications cost $400 this month. 1. Realize that there are a lot of people in this world who forget that they need to take your feelings and schedule into consideration at all times. Strangely, they are trying to do exactly what you are: get home as quickly as possible so they can huddle in a ball and contemplate the meaninglessness of life and mourn the loss of their souls to a job, a bad relationship, etc. I think the word we need to learn here is "compassion". 2. Don't go to the store to grab 2-10 things right after work in a large city during rush hour. It only takes a few extra minutes during your (or your maid's) weekly grocery excursion to remember that you might want to grab an extra can of Campbell's Chunky Beef Stew to tide you over. If you DO need a bottle or two of beer, or wine, and some overly optimistic condoms, please utilize your local convenience store. It may be more expensive, but at least then you expect a surly, non-English speaking clerk. And are often pleasantly surprised when said clerk remembers you, speaks politely and gives you the condoms free with a wink. This is called "planning ahead", and "planning alternatives". It is also called "staying the hell away from others who are capable of polite and friendly social interactions". 3. If you must go to the store and ruin my day, the cashier's day, and the day of the poor slob in front of you with your intense and scary mean-person vibes, try perusing the candy rack, tabloids and Yearly Horoscope books placed at the check-out line for exactly this purpose. My theory is that "impulse-buying" is only a secondary function for these items, placed there primarily to soothe customers like yourself with their cheery and ridiculous articles, brightly colored logos and easily perusable headlines. This is called "distraction", and it's a social tool used by people with even more power and money than you, so that you don't go ballistic and possibly murder one of their customers. 4. Remember that as annoyed as we all might be with the situation ourselves, none of us- and especially NOT the cashier- are your allies in this war against the inconsiderate person shuffling off. We do NOT want to make eye contact, roll our eyes mutually, or engage in snide and disparaging commentary. I feel especially bad for the cashier, who is most likely wearing orthopedic shoes and support hose, or had to take a line of meth in the bathroom, just so she could make it through another day of smiling and nodding and swiping your crap over that little metal plate that makes that little beeping noise that's probably driving her insane. In conclusion...well, I don't know if there is a conclusion. You're not the only who is tired, sore, cranky, wondering what that rash really is, and just wanting to get home to the darkness of your own lair. You're not special. Yeah, it's annoying. Yeah, it wastes all our time. But in the scheme of things I don't see how it can ever be a big enough deal to worry about this much. You should really more consider the fact that the unwashed, egg-carrying kid behind you saw your wad and is wondering if it'll pay the rent. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-11T11:40:21-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/67945814.html Dear Sir/Madam in the 10-Item Check-out Line text Emergency Room Manners http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/67309047.html People, I am a triage nurse at a busy Emergency Room. I have a lot to say. . . Do NOT come up to the front desk of the Emergency Room, fling your health insurance card at me, tell me that your doctor told you to come in, stand there with a bored expression on your face and cross your arms over your chest. That is not helpful. When I ask what you are specifically here for do not repeat that the Doctor told you to come in. When I ask what SYMPTOMS caused you to come in; Do not say that it’s in the computer. Ahem; There are 16 God damn people behind you all sicker than your whiney morbidly obese smoking ass. I’m not going to take the 8 minutes to log onto the computer, log my way in and through your medical record until I get to the part where your doctor’s phone nurse writes “This asshole smoker called me because he’s got a cough” Just tell me that you’re here for the fucking cough! If your spouse (usually the sensible one) drags you in for the stroke that you had 3 days ago and you still have facial droop, slurred speech, and one-sided paralysis do not state that “My wife made me come in” when I ask why you’re here. Just tell me what the fuck you’re here for. And after I put you in line to go back to the ER do not send your cringing hand-wringing co-dependant family members up to me every 15 minutes to ask if it’s your turn yet. IF IT WAS YOUR TURN WE WOULD BE CALLING YOUR GOD DAMN NAME. The window for stroke treatment was 3 hours. Now that you’re long past it you’re looking at a lengthy rehab. After 3 days another hour or four won’t make a lick of difference. Your anger, frustration, worry, and regret will not get you in any faster. As the slow truth of your stupidity sinks in do not glare at me. Do not ask to talk to my supervisor or the hospital supervisor when I talk to you in the same tone of voice that you talk to me. This is not Burger King, you do not get it ‘Your way right away.’ The squeaky wheel does not always get the grease. Do not excessively first name me just because I’m required to wear a fucking hospital badge. Including my full name in every sentence is a shallow manipulation, an implied threat that unless you get your way another personally directed customer complaint is forthcoming. I am not stupid. Your threats annoy the shit out of me. Making it personal does not change the 3 hour wait. Making it personal may result in the oft-used ‘Therapeutic wait’ (reserved for true assholes). You do not want a therapeutic wait. Don’t cough in my face. Being in a hospital does not automatically excuse you from the social expectations that we as society have had of you since you were three. Do not be like the drunks who tell me that “If you didn’t want to be coughed (shit, spat, vomited, bled, pissed) on you shoulda’ been a carpenter” If you continue this behavior do not be surprised when I throw a towel over your face while you are in mid-cough or mid-sentence. Do not tell me that you “Can’t breathe” in long rambling 20 word sentences. In the ghetto that may mean something different, Here in the ER we have different standards for what it really means to not be able to breathe. My bar of not breathing will be reset weekly by the people that are truly blue and/or about 30 seconds from coding from lack of Oxygen. There are people whose lungs are so diseased and scarred that they barely exchange oxygen on a good day with the help of their home oxygen tanks. These people come in and let their bodies do the speaking for them. They eloquently slump over their wheelchairs (or the ambulance gurneys) and are never so whiney about it as the 23 year old single smoking mom (of 4 kids by 4 fathers) who has been nursing an upper respiratory infection for a week or two. Similarly, do not tell me that little Shantiqua is ‘bleeding bad’ with her 1cm cut, that your bullshit pain is 10/10, that you are suicidal when you took 3 Tylenol instead of 2 (gasp!) after mommy grounded you, or that because your emergency is the worse that you’ve ever had, that it’s the worst that could possibly happen in the sum total of human experience. I’m supposed to act like your story is the saddest tale that I’ve ever heard. It’s not. Sad? Sad is when the drunk driver that killed the kids is unhurt. Sad is when someone is actively psychotic but still lucid enough to know that they have driven away everyone in their life and ruined everything with their madness. Sad is listening to the same beautiful young woman beg for some medicines that will stop the hallucinations while crying in frustration and screaming her angst. Sad is when people pull up to the front of the hospital with a dead relative in the passenger seat of their car. I mean this guy had been dead for 15 minutes and the family only focused on driving to the hospital. Did they pull over and call 911 in an area where the average response time is 5 minutes? No. Did they do CPR? No. Did they expect me to single-handedly yard this 265 lb guy out of the car, into a wheelchair, back to the ER, do CPR, code him just like on TV, and make a miracle happen? Yes! Yes that’s exactly what they expected. I sat there with my fingers stuck in his throat where his pulse should have been and said “He’s dead, he’s been dead for 15 minutes. What is it that you expect us to do?” We argued over his blue/gray corpse for about a minute before I reluctantly took him back to the ER and started the rain dance. Guess what? After we abused his corpse for 20-30 minutes (not my decision) he was STILL DEAD. Who would have thought? Yes, I know what’s going on tonight. I’ve seen your exact symptoms hundreds of times. I order your X-rays, labs, ECG, and then read/interpret them (and you) before deciding where you’re sent. The whole model of my HMO’s emergency service (and the withholding of that service) is built on our clinical judgement. I am not (nor do I want to be) a doctor and I am not allowed to ‘diagnose’. Yet my job responsibilities and description require me to do exactly that in order to facilitate care. This arrives us at a legal fallacy where we (nurses) all pretend that we don’t know what’s going on and that “you’ll have to talk to the doctor” in order to keep our jobs and licenses. When we do tell people exactly what’s up, they use that to decide to leave (without seeing a doctor = legal mess), or argue ( = pain in my ass), or press for more medical advice, or complain, or ask for special treatment, or otherwise cause problems. Tired of not being told what’s up by the person with the knowledgeable smile? Tough shit. No, I’m not stupid. Telling you has only got me into trouble in the past. As I don’t know you, you’re not worth it. Do not believe that because your doctor told you to come right to the ER that you have a right to be seen right away. Let us discuss why he really said that; LIABILITY. Your doctor doesn’t give a rat’s ass about little Johnny’s sniffles as long as he’s out of the clinic before 5:00. Filling up his over-booked appointment calender could have an adverse affect on that, but sending them ‘right away’ to the ER won’t! AND no one can ever sue him for bad advice or irresponsible behavior because he TOLD them to go the ER ‘Right away’ for the ‘Highest level of care.’ Gotta keep those malpractice premiums down! Motherfuckers. There are only two things worse than a doctor that won’t see his own patients: 1) The second worse thing is doctors that not only won’t see their own patients, but they send them into the ER with a wildly unrealistic set of expectations. “My doctor told me to come in right away and to go right back! He said I was too sick to wait in the lobby. He ordered you to do tests, they are (stop me if you’ve heard this one before) ON THE COMPUTER”. I’m not taking shit for orders from some lazy-ass, wart burning, boil lancing, sprained ankle rotating, sore throat examining general practitioner who has assessed you OVER THE PHONE and doesn’t even have ER privileges. Piss-off! you can get an appointment at the clinic in three hours and you’ll be fine. Walk down to the lab yourself if you want those tests. 2) Advice nurses are the bane of our existence. Sure they can’t tell everything over the phone, sure people are generally bad communicators, sure the clinics and doctors are over-booked, sure it’s 2-6 weeks out to even see a doctor, sure my cheap-ass HMO added another 90,000 new members last month but no infrastructure to deal with them, but the solution for this is not Not NOT to ‘go to the ER right away where they will fill the fantasies that our unscrupulous marketing department has instilled in you.’ Fuck off. I love getting advice nurses for patients. They must know because they are reluctant to mention it. We hate them all and feel no shame in railing against them while they suffer (off the clock) in their sick and/or injured misery. People! I could go on for pages. Think about every miserable customer service job that you’ve ever had and multiply that by tenfold with whiney patients. It’s not that I hate people; I just hate peoples’ sense of entitlement and instant gratification. Folks might as well say “I have abused my body for decades and I’m here for you to fix me.” Sheesh, To review: 1) Don’t be an asshole 2) Lose the weight, stop smoking, take your damn psych meds, and take care of yourself! 3) Its not our fault or responsibility that you’re sick/injured. In fact, it’s probably yours. 4) Folks that arrive dead usually stay dead 5) It’s not like on TV 6) Years of patient abuse have (clearly) left us all a bit burnt out and jaded, so. . . 7) Don’t forget your manners when you come to my ER : ) -another RN webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-07T00:50:03-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/67309047.html Emergency Room Manners text Let's Get Rid of the Soft-Core Porno Pics http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/66343957.html I do not like these hiney pics I do not like these uncut dicks I do not like them here or there I do not like them anywhere! I do not like your flat white ass I do not like you, skanky trash! I do not like your butt-flossed crack It only shows your lack of tact I do not like your saggy tits or listening to your hissy-fits I do not like your hairy slash. Just go away, I'll give you cash. I do not like your weenie porn I do not like your asshole corn I do not care if you smoke bowls Or suck big cocks at glory holes. I do not care if you like Greek. That is not the hole I seek. You said lick my Taco Bell. Honey I would, but its the smell. I would not like to click that link I would not could not share your kink I do not want to lose my job So keep your whorepics, stupid slob! I do not care if that's your butt Or if you're male with a gut I do not care about waiter's tips or even Betka Shpitz' whips. I do not like care if you suck cocks or if you like to smell men's socks I do not want to see your nuts To me, your just another putz I do not want your blow job pics or seeing assholes filled with dicks Take your cum shots and be gone Craigslist ain't the place for porn!! webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-31T13:06:36-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/66343957.html Let's Get Rid of the Soft-Core Porno Pics text Sugar Daddy translator http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/66185247.html Wealthy, handsome, single, available, easy on the eyes, PDX- Metro based SugarDaddy-BoyFriend type seeks ATTRACTIVE, SHAPELY SEXY & INTELLIGENT FEMALE companionship a couple of nights a week or so, and overnights or travel a weekend or so a month.... ***Guy with money but no social skills, a paunch, and an inflated sense of my ego seeks woman clearly out of my league and is offering to pay you to pretend to like me. Said woman must have sex with me a couple of times a week and may be taken on trips if I so deign. You must be hot, and although I put in intelligent as a criteria, let's be honest here. You could have the brain of a cucumber for all I care.*** Extremely generous benefit$ and all the amenities available to Ms. Right, based on my level of happiness and satisfaction. ***I am looking for a prostitute, even though I want to pretend otherwise. If I like you, I'll pay you what I see fit. If you do a rotten job in bed, you may get nothing. As I feel ineffective in general, I like to get involved in relationships where I can lord over the other person and exercise what little power I have because I get off on feeling powerful.*** No limits on what this may grow into for the right woman. ***I will pretend I am capable of having a real relationship to string you along, but don't worry, it's an act.*** Generous, sexy, kind, warm, passionate and all around "great guy" looking for a possible LTR and more....seeking someone to pamper, spoil and care for in all the right ways, and to be pampered and well cared for romantically in return.... ***Materialistic, horny, deluded, overly touchy and (just to reiterate) horny jerk looking for someone I can stick my dick into on a regular basis without having to actually try to establish a relationhship beyond that of employer and employee...I will buy you things if you have sex with me...*** You will know how to care for my simple needs, and be willing and able to show your appreciation for all that I can and will do for you if we click. ***If I think you're hot, I'll let you have sex with me in return for some shiny baubles and a bite to eat. Your first priority has to be my sexual gratification. After all, that's all I'm really looking for.*** You should be romantic, sexy, attentive, pleasant, warm and attractive.....NOT looking for someone who is much overweight,..and particularly not looking for someone with excess baggage, or an attitude problem. ***Even though I clearly have some deep personality issues and am completely incapable of meeting people through normal means because I am so busy with my super-duper important work, I want someone way out of my league and who is in no way fat, because I need someone perfect because I am also perfect. You should be totally happy to be demeaned in this fashion - I'm not hiring you to think after all.*** Single mom's (with childcare) ok. ***Since this doesn't seem to be working (oddly enough) the more desperate you are for money, the better. I might have a better chance that way. Keep in mind however, that you have to have childcare, because I don't want the little brat around when we're hooking up.*** Please have a nice smile, and a sense of humor, realizing that this is a sincere offer from someone with a very limited amount of time and who has grown bored with the "normal" plain vanilla ways of meeting someone, and who honestly seeks a best friend, lover and partner, any way he can find HER. ***Please always laugh at what I say so that I feel important and realize that this is a sincere offer from someone who likes to pretend my limited time is why I can't find a relationship and who has grown bored with constantly getting rejected by women with self-respect who apparently don't take well to my offering to buy their affections. I would like to pretend that this is because other people form relationships in boring, "vanilla" ways while I am exciting and different.*** I'm ready to meet you now, and make decisions based on the quality of response. ***I am really horny and would like to take care of this ASAP, but only if you are hot enough for me. I will lead you to believe that you are in competition with other women who contact me because I like power games and belittling people.*** I am single and available NOW and you Should be too. ***I'm really really horny and you should be too.*** The usual non's PLEASE: ***Don't be fat.*** SEND RECENT CLEAR PICS SHOWING YOUR FACE AND FIGURE IN FIRST CONTACT ***Even though I post repeatedly and don't put my own picture up, I expect you to give me your picture. **** Hey buddy, just give it up and hire a protitute without couching your intentions as honorable. You want to pay a woman for money and you want to not have to look around each time you want to get laid. Sadly, despite a world full of goldiggers, you can't even find that. Give it up and hire a hooker. Go ahead now. Call me fat and jealous because I can't get a man like you because that's the only reason that an attractive, intelligent woman wouldn't want to be bought by you, right?. What color is the sky in your world? webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-30T13:21:55-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/66185247.html Sugar Daddy translator text ATTENTION REBEL SPIES http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/65023833.html Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy. Looking for nsa fun. I am into older men, but I have courted some youthful boys before. I have a lightspeed capable ship and can come to you. I can host, provided you come to my Star Destroyer, currently in the greater Tattooine system. Force sensitivity a plus. No imperial soldiers please, that would just cause drama in the Senate.  <table><tr><td align=center><img src="http://a.im.craigslist.org/Do/om/C9WVs5NpGMYbSf6b5MhBM8NIFpsL.jpg"></td> <td align=center> </td></tr> <tr><td align=center> </td> <td align=center> </td></tr></table>  this is in or around Tattooine System webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-22T18:25:32-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/65023833.html ATTENTION REBEL SPIES text I bet you want your shit back http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/64751741.html Hey ass pipe, did you find that you were missing a few things this morning? Yeah? Hey, that's a real shame. This is from the guy who's house and shop you broke into on Saturday. This is also the guy who found out who you are, where you live and took his things back on Sunday night, plus I took a big wet bite out of your possessions too. How does it feel fuck face? I bet your wondering how the hell I found out so fast and also how I know you would be on CL today. Well, how I found you is easy, any, and I do mean ANY tweeker would give up his or her own Mother for a hundred bucks, probably less, but I wanted to make sure I got ALL the info. How I know your on here all the time is that I now have your laptop. You needed to update this junker anyway. I also swiped the video of you shoving that pathetic little pecker of your in your girlfriend. I do have to give credit to her though, she sucks a mean dick. If you want some of your things back, send her on over. For each load of mine she swallows, takes in the eye or her hair, you can have one thing back. You two talk amongst yourselves, I'll be out riding my new dirt bike. Okay...I feel bad about wiping you out, so here is what I am going to do, I am going to give you a little tip, here it is. If you ever plan on breaking into a guys house and you find out that he does for a living, the same thing that I do for a living....don't do it, just move on to the next house. In that house the guy will shit in his pants and call the police. The police will act like there writing some shit down and he will never see his stuff again, because cops don't care unless there is something in it for them. I should also mention to you how lucky you are that this was not ten years ago. I'm a great big pussy now, back then you would be breathing dirt by now. I probably don't need to tell you that though, do I? You've got SOME big balls ripping me off, I'll give you that, but FUCK, are you stupid. Let me know if I missed anything at your place you think I might like. Well, at least now you know why I left your desktop computer. If you truly have the balls I think you do, and you REALLY want your stuff back, then you need to come have a chat with me. No...I am not planning on killing you, if I wanted that it would have already happened. I do want to get things straight between you and I. You can have your things back, I am not a thief. As you know, I have done enough horror in my life that I do not need to add thief to the ever growing list. Come by tonight to get your things, come alone or there WILL be a problem. Also, do NOT get all cranked up before coming over. I hate that fucking shit, and I want you clear headed so that what I tell you soaks in. Be at my place at 8:00 PM tonight. this is in or around hahatoyou webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-21T08:37:26-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/64751741.html I bet you want your shit back text To My Redneck Neighbor: Please Neuter Your Cat Or I Will http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/64062195.html Look, buddy…I hear your "neer neer" honky tonk music crankin' on Saturday mornings while you slam back Buds with your hot rod friends. When I’m doing yard work, I hear your conversations, peppered with words and phrases such as "f-ing fag at AutoSmart"…."yeah..no shit…'71 cameros are f-ing sweet"…..and "f-ing belt is loose" (I'm assuming you mean car belt? Not sure.) So..I've lived with this for two years now with no complaints. At least your gatherings with Hank and Boomhauer are only on Saturday mornings. But then yesterday, I let my little kitty, Sweetie, out to tinkle...and within minutes I hear cat screams. Panicked, I run outside to witness what appeared to be a miniature cougar holding Sweetie's neck and swinging her like a stuffed animal. She finally got loose and ran for cover…but this giant freak cat was right on her and brought her down again like a baby gazelle. Thinking fast, I turned on the water hose and drenched the monster until Sweetie was able to get back inside. I watched the creature creep to your backyard and through a cat door. Busted! So…over the course of the day, I stalked your monster cat…and learned the following: 1. He is a Siamese. 2. He is freakishly large. 3. He is severely cross-eyed, but this does not stop him from attacking small cats like a homing missile. 4. He is definitely a male. (see #5) 5. He is definitely NOT neutered! How do I know? Because this cat has massive balls that hang down so low they make their own prints in my garden. I did some research and discovered that some intact siamese males are like the Hannibal Lectors of the feline world. They aim to kill and don't want any other cats living within a 10-mile radius of their kingdom…unless it is an unspayed female..but then he'll keep her around only for the sex and then do away with her. So..here is my one and only warning: Fix your monsterius felineus or I'm getting out the garden shears…but I won't be using them to cut my rose bushes. this is in or around Portland webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-16T11:26:23-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/64062195.html To My Redneck Neighbor: Please Neuter Your Cat Or I Will text Free Possessed Playschool Talking Barbeque-Sorry it is gone http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/62536803.html After much soul searching and with great reluctance I am getting rid of my Playschool Talking Barbeque. When I was moving into my house, the previous owners were cleaning out the garage and getting rid of some things. I saw that they were going to throw away this cute Playschool Talking Barbeque and I just couldn't stand to see it go. Every time you touch it, it says "Hey it's time for a barbeque!" The mouth moves, the eyes move, and then the spatula chimes in "flip it, flip it good!" Then the mustard bottle rotates and says "it ain't done till there's mustard on the bun!" Who could resist such a treasure. They warned me though, they said "it randomly turns itself on in the middle of the night." Pretty scary stuff sometimes. One night I was sound a sleep and when I heard it in the living room. "Hey it's time for a barbeque!" Then the grill is making it's PSSSHHHHH PSSHHHH sounds, I ran out there to take it outside before it woke up my roommates. When I grabbed it to pick it up it just started saying "flip it, flip it, flip it, flip it!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This thing really might be possessed I thought! I ran out to the shop behind my house and threw it inside, my heart pounding as I walked into the house, hearing it say "Flip it and going PSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH, PssssssssssHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Over the past year I had random encounters with the barbeque in the dark garage, or whatever room it might have been moved to. As the batteries slowly died the voices got lower and lower, until they reached a very low, completely demonic sound. Finally one day the voices stopped, they eyes didn't move, the mouth didn't move, and the demon was expelled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Until you put new batteries in it and give it to your child ages 3-5. this is in or around Hillsboro webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-06T09:09:17-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/62536803.html Free Possessed Playschool Talking Barbeque-Sorry it is gone text Unicornoodle http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/58746457.html Unicornoodles for sale... I have one of the rarest mixes around. These are NON sheeding Unicorns, and keep their horns all year round. They have wonderful coats and are hypo-allergenic. Champion lines and european bloodlines (One of the unicorn's grandpappy's actually won something one time or something like that when yugoslavia was a country) Designer Breed - so they gotta be healthy right? I'll be charging $3500 because I want them to go to good homes only. These are the smartest and brightest around. You won't find anything smarter!!! These are CKC registered (since the CKC will register anything with four legs) Raised with kids, cats, imps and fairys. Grandmother owned by Paris Hilton's cousin's ugly step-sister. They are GUARANTEED to keep your tweens and teens virginal until their prince arrives. Don't waste your money on the countless badly bred purebreds, and mix breeds... instead waste your money on a unicornoodle and be the envy of the universe. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-02-07T10:00:01-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/58746457.html Unicornoodle text UNDERWEAR GOES INSIDE THE PANTS http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/56221445.html Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal? It’s a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what’s not natural? 80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That’s not natural. But we got pills for that. We’re dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we’re putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt? You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?” Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it. Half the time I don’t even know what the commercial is… people running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean. I’m like that is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that? That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy. The schools now… It is all about self-esteem in the schools now. Build the kids’ self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who is going to dance in our strip clubs? What’s going to happen to our porno industry? These women don’t just grown on trees. It takes lots of drunk dads missing dance recitals before you decide to blow a goat on the internet for fifty bucks. And if that disappears, where does that leave me on a Friday night with my new high speed connection? Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time. You keep hearing about these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the middle east. Terrorists masterminds. Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think? They’re not masterminds. “OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in your backpack. And you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?” “Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…” “Who’s the fucking mastermind here? Me or you?” Americans, let’s face it: We’ve been a spoiled country for a long time. Do you know what the number one health risk in America is? Obesity. They say we’re in the middle of an obesity epidemic. An epidemic like it is polio. Like we’ll be telling our grand kids about it one day. The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2004. “How’d you get through it grandpa?” “Oh, it was horrible Johnny, there was cheesecake and pork chops everywhere.” Nobody knows why were getting fatter? Look at our lifestyle. I’ll sit at a drive thru. I’ll sit there behind fifteen other cars instead of getting up to make the eight foot walk to the totally empty counter. Everything is mega meal, super sized. Want biggie fries, super sized, want to go large. You want to have thirty burgers for a nickel you fat mother fucker. There’s room in the back. Take it! Want a 55 gallon drum of Coke with that? It’s only three more cents. Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there’d be a Microsoft? Of course not. You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think, “You’ll see. I’m going to take of the world of computers! I’ll show them.” We’re in one of the richest countries in the world, but the minimum wage is lower than it was thirty five years ago. There are homeless people everywhere. This homeless guy asked me for money the other day. I was about to give it to him and then I thought he was going to use it on drugs or alcohol. And then I thought, that’s what I’m going to use it on. Why am I judging this poor bastard. People love to judge homeless guys. Like if you give them money they’re just going to waste it. Well, he lives in a box, what do you want him to do? Save it up and buy a wall unit? Take a little run to the store for a throw rug and a CD rack? He’s homeless. I walked behind this guy the other day. A homeless guy asked him for money. He looks right at the homeless guy and says why don’t you go get a job you bum. People always say that to homeless guys like it is so easy. This homeless guy was wearing his underwear outside his pants. Outside his pants. I’m guessing his resume isn’t all up to date. I’m predicting some problems during the interview process. I’m pretty sure even McDonalds has a “underwear goes inside the pants” policy. Not that they enforce it really strictly, but technically I’m sure it is on the books. this is in or around Madd Poster webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-01-19T01:57:48-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/56221445.html UNDERWEAR GOES INSIDE THE PANTS text Top 10 reasons M4W isn't working out so great for me. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/55917483.html 1. “Sometimes I do cry while I'm making love to a woman. It's the most sacred thing two people can do and I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I'll read poetry while in the act and the beauty of that is amazing.” Ummm. You cry? And read poetry? WHILE making love? I’m just trying to figure out the mechanics of this. I mean, I have trouble reading on the stairmaster. 2. “My gf recently broke my heart. Sometimes things happen to us thats beyond our control, and as much as it hurts, I cannot control what she did to me. I am seeking a woman who has undergone similar situation and is in need of comfort, patience, understanding and empathy.” Baggage. Man, I feel for you, but I wouldn’t touch this one with a 12-foor pole. 3. “Although I am quite handsome, I'm pretty bad in the sack. I'm selfish and usually only care about my needs.” Well, at least the honesty is refreshing. 4. “I am looking for someone that is intelligent to such a degree that they have difficulty carrying on a conversation with fellow students and peers…About me; I do not watch T.V. so as not to be exposed to material which will reduce my paradigm to mere programming, avoid commercialized radio, and read the newspaper to a very limited degree. I am interested in reading scientific studies, surveys and ideas.” So, okay, you’re looking for someone who will not talk to you, except perhaps about scientific studies, surveys and ideas? I’m a smarty honey, but no way. That sounds painful. 5. “Sign: Leo(with a cusp to Cancer) It's a date thingy; And likely just another reason that I seem to 'feel' so much, I guess. Born in the year of the horse; Black-horse, black meaning "water"(i've a lot of water), the charts tell me I need a woman with "wood" to balance me out,(maybe thats why i like trees so much).” Goddamn astrology. Do people realize how much of an idiot it makes them sound like? 6. “Recently I like the fascination of kites. Think they are wild in the air, going as far as the cord will allow them... up there where the wind can either make them fly or tear them apart... free of any worries of everyday life. I'll enclose a picture. anyway... It is really relaxing, fun and special to me, wondering, hoping it flies. Have YOU ever made a kite??!!” Not since I was a kid, no I have not. I guess they’re neat, but perhaps I don’t see them as some metaphor for life. Or rather, they are too much of an obvious metaphor to interest me. So, while they’re nice to look at, I wouldn’t be falling all over myself to go fly a kite. 7. “PDX-based national biz owner seeks ATTRACTIVE, SHAPELY SEXY & INTELLIGENT companionship a couple of nights a week or so, and overnights or travel a weekend or so a month.... Extremely generous benefit$ and all the amenities available to Ms. Right, based on my level of happiness and satisfaction…You will know how to care for my simple needs...NOT looking for someone who is much overweight,..and particularly not looking for someone with anger management problems, excess baggage, or an attitude problem (i.e. passive-aggressive, bi-polar, BPD, stalker, etc.) Single mom's (with childcare) ARE encouraged to reply. SEND RECENT CLEAR PICS SHOWING YOUR FIGURE IN FIRST CONTACT OR I WILL NOT REPLY… I'm ready to meet you now, and make decisions based on the quality of response…I am single and available NOW and you Should be too…Warm regards & Best Always” Where to start? Okay. Oviously you’re looking for someone hot – and you repeatedly make clear what the financial implications of taking care of your needs are (although with the stipulation that you must be happy and satisfied for this to occur, so, if the sex sucks, do you not pony up?). Anyways, given that (a) you are looking for someone really hot; and (b) you repeatedly state how much money you will provide, that leads me to the conclusion that (c) you ain’t that hot yourself. It’s also nice how single moms with childcare needs are encouraged to apply – I don’t know – specifically asking for financially strapped, potentially desperate women sounds pretty sleazy to me. And, you “make decisions based on the quality of responses”? Wow, you sound like a great guy. Warm regards to you too hotshot. Sigh. 8. “I am specifically looking for a very high class (as in genuinely bright, sincere, educated, professionally accomplished in her own right, sensual and loving) Lady for a long term mistress relationship in the European sense of the word.” Explain to me why a high-class, educated, professional would be interested in this type of a relationship? 9. “Artist needs sugar momma! You've always wanted to support the arts? You've never seen Susnet Blvd, right? Then we could be on to a great relationship! Me: artists, not starving, writer, published, many irons in the fire, fit, jogger, unemployed. I'm actually write stuff, unlike many who pose as such. You are “artists”? More than one? Also, let me quote you, “I’m actually write stuff.” Did you mean you actually write stuff or you are actually the right stuff? 10. And, last on the list, a few things you don’t really need to tell us (see, WE ALREADY KNOW) with evidence pulled from various craigslist postings. (a) You like oral and/or are really good at it. · I am also very good at orally pleasuring a woman. · I have a talented tongue · I LOVE to EAT Pussy...I guarantee you will CUM!! · I LOVe performing cunnilingus on a woman, especially a shaved one. I know its not PC and all that, but I can do it for hours til you can't walk anymore, or at least for a time. · If your body is volupuous cutie, please contact me... i will worship you! I love oral, too · I'm very oral, and I have a thick, circumcised penis. In addition, I have full, soft lips; strong, warm fingers, and a curious, skilled tongue. · Im str8, drug disease free very sexual, sensual, extreeeemely oral giving and very sexually open minded. · available all day you host I love to give & recieve oral sex with a woman · I have alota time on my hands & love a sexy woman..if youd like to have some great sex on week days anytime all day let me know Ill come by & take care of your needs ... I love to give & recieve oral sex... been a while ? just email me when , there will be great sex for both of us so why go with out... · Am patient, extremely oral, and want to rub myself against you for a couple of hour · I just love to lick pussy. Lick it, suck it, feel your warm wet juices all over my face. I you're a woman who loves to receive great oral sex then I your man. Especially if you're a moaner or a screamer when you cum, that totally turns me on. · I am very experienced in oral delights and wish to service you and leave you with a smile-)) · please be good at giving oral & LOVE receiving(plenty) it. I love giving it & then receiving · but i'm very good with my mouth and fingers · I am VERY oral, very affectionate, touchy feely, and wont stop until you are plead · I never brag unless I can back it up. I'm very good at oral, I promise to leave your legs shaking. (b) You like sex · Sensual, passionate and generous in the bedroom and seeking the same in a female · I am an extemely sensual and gentlemanly person · I am a VERY playful, passionate lover · I am a very sexual being. Some people enjoy cars. I enjoy sex. · 5’ 10”, brown hair, 190lbs, nice arms, cute butt, high sex drive · Saying that sex is important would be a gross understatement. · Well I love sex an love to kiss and can't literally get enough · I do believe however that a good sex life is a very important and integral part of a good and long lasting relationship. · I'm very affectionate, passionate, sensual and sexual. · She should be Honest, Polite, Sensual, SEXUAL responsive, AND Respectful. As I desire No Games.. I desire Heart, passion and Inner Beauty. I am a man who is hard working and giving....Sexy, handsome, And REAL · due to some circumstances that I can explain later, my time is very limited right now. but I am also feeling the need for female companionship and sex. · looking for a women to enjoy sex with. I like to be slow, gental, and please my partner. I just love sex. · I want to talk and watch movies and have great sex and cuddle and go on walks and eat lots of food · I'm looking for intimacy,passion and an ecstatic energy that can only be derived from the sacred art of Tantra. · I am ultimately a very sensual and sexual person, of tantric creativity, well-meaning fidelity, and no small measure of wild aliveness webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-01-16T19:43:39-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/55917483.html Top 10 reasons M4W isn't working out so great for me. text Seeking a Sniff Partner http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/55147866.html Hi. Umm, At the risk of sounding strange and perhaps perverted, I'm just going to come right out and say this:I like to sniff things and am hoping to find someone who is not afraid to admit that she likes to sniff things too. Nothing gross here really,just everyday items we might find in our homes or at the store or wherever. I thought we might start out with the very basics like each other's socks, bellybuttons and scalps and then, when we are happy with that, we could sniff other things. I was thinking maybe we could do something like I bring over a pair of my roomates underwear or his toothbrush,his hairbrush or his t-shirt and we could trade off like that: next time you come over and bring something from your house.We could also go out to cafes and stores and smell a whole variety of things: doorknobs, napkins people use to eat with, dressing rooms**, meat items, etc. Although I'll admit that I find this very erotic and deeply personal, I would like to share this with someone striclty in the platonic sense;I just got out of a long term relationship[because of my desire to sniff]and am simply not ready emotionally to combine sniffing with love or sex.I'm not opposed to casual massage with oils and such but thats it. I dont care about race,weight,age etc but will include a picture of myself upon request if that sort of thing is important to you. Have a good day, Mark this is in or around S.E Portland webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-01-10T14:29:51-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/55147866.html Seeking a Sniff Partner text To the drunk chick on Delta flight 1199 from Atlanta to Portland http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/53734915.html You were such a hoot. We noticed you right away when you got on the plane – I mean, it would have been hard not to, what with your overly loud conversations on the phone with your friends regarding the NFL football player who bought you 4 shots of Patron in the airport bar after you already had a ton of drinks already. We were all really proud of you, and ever so happy to hear that you had exchanged numbers with him and you guys were such buddies and honey, I was crossing my fingers for you to hook up with him at some later date. We also sympathized with your requests for “something to smoke” when you got home, and by the way, thanks for keeping it so loud so that we could all share in that happy conversation. I think some of the older folks were particularly impressed. I turned around to look at you (I was trying to be covert, but, silly me, you were too out of it to really notice) – and you looked like a typical Portland alternative type. Messily bleached hair with washed-out blue eyes and pale skin, tattoos on your arm. Some kind of black hat thing, nondescript clothing. I wouldn’t have taken a second look at you on the street if I had been walking by, you would have blended in with everyone else despite your earnest attempts to be original and different, but, hey, I gotta hand it to you. There was no way to ignore you on this flight. I think the real stroke of luck is that a father and his 15-year old son sat in the two seats next to you. You were in the aisle, the father in the middle and the boy on the window. It was really nice of you to engage them in conversation. I’m sure they didn’t really want to watch the movie anyways. I remember reading bad reviews on it. It was also really nice of you to make sure that they got the name of your favorite band, which I believe was the Postal Service. Thanks for repeating that 17 times, I myself missed it the first 5 times (I could have kicked myself!) even though I was in the row in front of you - and so was glad to get a recap. Sometimes it's a little hard to understand slurred speech, and it was good that you took that into consideration. It was also really great how you kept offering your seatmates liquor and telling them you wanted to get drunk with them – well, I suspect you meant that you wanted them to get drunk too, as you were already there, but whatever. I actually didn’t think the flight attendant would serve you – but you clever girl, you got around that didn’t you! Sneaky little devil, snatching Tanqueray bottles out of the cart when she wasn’t looking! I really felt for you when the dad told you he didn’t drink on planes and his son pointed out that he was underage. I think you were entirely within your rights to reach out over the father and try to pour drinks for his son. I mean, age is just a number, and if the kid wanted to party with you, what right did his father have to stop you guys from living it up? I also want to congratulate you on your persistence. Most people would have given up after the first, I don’t know, 5 attempts, but you, you kept it up! I was also aghast at the dad’s behavior when after swatting your hands away for the umpteenth time he finally asked you to cut it out. I want to congratulate you for standing up for yourself. It was wonderful to hear such a comprehensive list of expletives from the seat behind me, and with such impressive volume too! It was also great how you called the flight attendant over and accused the father of sexual harassment. I know that people are sometimes really harassed and that that’s a horrible thing that shouldn’t be taken lightly, but you were very clever for using it to your advantage in this situation, and that doesn’t cheapen it at all! At this point, I want to apologize for my behavior. For some reason, I (and a few other passengers too oddly enough) felt the need to speak up and say what really happened. I’m really sorry for telling the flight attendant that you were drunk and bothering the father and his son, who were being very very patient. I don’t know what got into me. So, anyways, I guess the flight attendant walked you to the galley in the back of the plane, but good for you for not letting something go! It got all boring and quiet when you left and I think the baby up a few rows actually went back to sleep, so it was great when you charged back up and started yelling at everyone again. By the way, I hadn’t realized (particularly given the NFL player conversation) that you were gay, but I’m really sorry if everyone was discriminating against you because of it. If we were, we apologize, see, we didn’t know you were gay, and we may have committed some gaffes out of ignorance. I want to thank you for alerting us to our homophobia. I take discrimination seriously and would never want to be party to such a thing. That was great how you stood up to the flight attendant at that point (my favorite was when you shook your finger in her face), and good for you for knowing how to use the legal system to your advantage. I hope you do sue the flight attendant and Delta and the dad and his son, and all of us as well, although I’m not quite sure what your case will be. However, given your clearly sharp acumen you should be able to come up with some contrived accusation that is sure to work in a court of law. Anyways, things got quiet for a while then, other than the flight attendant giving us incident reports to fill out, but I must admit, I was a little worried when I went to the bathroom and heard you yelling at the flight attendant. See, I just wanted to get home, and I was scared she might carry out her clearly inappropriate request that you take a seat immediately or the flight was going to be diverted so that you could be arrested immediately. I was just so tired, you see, and plus I get the feeling that that's not necesarily a light thing nowadays. Thanks for finally giving in and taking a seat. And, last, that was great how you kept running up to our seats and slamming your hand on the overhead bins and yelling out stuff like “poser.” I wasn’t quite sure what we were posing, so I figured it was just your attempt to shift the objects in the overhead bins so that they might fall on our heads when we landed and tried to get them out. That was a clever move, although we did take caution so no one actually got hurt. So, anyways (sorry I can be so long winded!) I have a question for you. Did the three cops that pulled you aside when we landed take you to jail for the night? I hope they gave you the softest bed at the jail. I really do. The chick in 30A this is in or around PDX webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-12-28T20:31:33-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/53734915.html To the drunk chick on Delta flight 1199 from Atlanta to Portland text 145,762 miles...................time for an oil change http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/52526874.html I could go to Jiffy Lube or Oil Can Henry's but those guys wear odd little outfits and yell too much. My personal mechanic does a fine job but the grime under his finger nails and an obsesssion with maintaining the free popcorn machine, scare me. The mechanics, of most things, usually leave my conceptually addicted brain all a flutter. Though, I proudly lay claim to working a mean toaster oven. Don't be fooled. Anything that needs instructions, runs on fuel or batteries or solar energy or wind or cannola oil, things that you can rev up, slow down, plug in, light up (remember, we're talk'n electricity here)...I've got 'em covered. You will be needed to: -squeeze my hand during movie scenes that only we "get" -show me that little scar on your cheek as a result of a sword fight with your sister's overheated curling iron (preferable to a knife yielding gang encounter) -offer me your last piece of Uni and when I refuse, offer again -drive no more than 75 mph...EVER, unless we are being tailed by my editor wanting a rewrite, YESTERDAY! -read to me at bedtime and wake me with your hand brushing my cheek (face or otherwise) -tell me it makes me look PHAT! -walk, talk, possibly falk....but, DEFINITELY not stalk -stand tall and carry a big wooden stick (hee...hee) -be older than a boy, younger than a geezer I, in return, solemnly swear to be your very own laughter inducing, heart opening, mind blowing, ass warmer...for, at the very least, a long weekend. this is in or around under my hood webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-12-16T01:32:33-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/52526874.html 145,762 miles...................time for an oil change text