Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-09-01T09:06:02-07:00 2 daily Harley rider pre-ride check off list http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1353199509.html Harley rider pre-ride check off list: 1. Comb baseball player goatee and mustache 2. Spend 6- hours polishing gaudy chrome pieces. Be sure people can read the “Live to ride—ride to live” statement on gas tank lid. 3. Assure suspension can handle at least 560 pounds of rider 4. Pack cell phone and have tow service numbers programmed. 5. Look in mirror and perfect the “I’m a bad ass motherfucker” harley riding scowl. 6. Affix tassels from daughters bicycle to handle bars for added gay appearance. 7. Test flashers for when bike breaks down (99% probability) 8. Put on your wrist brace to help carpal tunnel from all of the unnecessary revving 9. Leather pants 10. Gloves 11. Wrap around sunglasses 12. Skull cap (German soldier type for the real badasses). Remember to think about the SAFETY aspect/argument of loud pipes as putting that potato chip on head. The real tough guys here will wear a bandana over their face (some with a skull) to look really scary----ooooh! 13. CAT work boots (new) 14. Leather vest with some “chapter” like: North chapter of pig fucking obese attention whore douche bags with fat ugly loud mouth wives. 15. HD t-shirt (of course). Because everyone needs to know what shop you paid $40 for a $5 hanes shirt at. 16. Remove baffles from pipes so EVERYONE can hear you going 18mph in 2nd gear at redline. Note: Most HD break down before hitting 2nd gear. 17. Starbucks gift card: This is usually your hangout--------------how tough. 18. Call friends with similar ridiculous motorcycle (WW2 outdated technology garbage) and pathetic store bought image (gay pirate from the Castro) attire. Have them ATTEMPT to meet you at the starbucks without breaking down or crashing due to being distracted from looking at themselves in their chrome. 19. Five packs of Marlboro reds to smoke while riding to look extra cool 20. Slam a 6 pack of Zima prior to ride. 21. Saddle bags attached to pick up and store broken parts that fall off bike as you ride/push (if you can call it riding without laughing) that hunk of shit down the road. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-01T09:06:02-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1353199509.html Harley rider pre-ride check off list text Bong Operations Engineer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1347513476.html Certified bong polisher and operations engineer. Twelve years experience with water-based pipes and clogged tubes, Ruby-on-Rails, resin, Apache Bong server, Vaporizer, and Java. Previous job experience: 2005 - 2009 Couch Warmer Sat on friends couch and surfed the Internet on my laptop. DUTIES: polished bongs washed dishes edited Wikipedia Played Team Fortress 2 refilled bongs built multi-national corporation from scratch, overnight, then dissolved it when patent lawsuit arrived from East Texas. 2000 - 2005 Hobo 1999 - 2000 CEO GreatEntertainmentPlaceToBuyEntertaining.com Owner, founder, marketing chief for startup Web site DUTIES: Smoked lots of bongloads Raised $25 million from Dirt Hill Raised Series B of $560 million from Koal Slaw Ventures 1993 - 1999 Boot Black SF Market Street DUTIES Polished boots Seeking bongification ADO, .net C# C++ Java Java Java Java Java Java ruby java python perl bong java perl {LISP} haskell erlang amazon web services cloud sysadmin bonging donging bond HVAC HPVC <ul> <li>it's ok to contact this poster if you are a potential employer or other principal <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job seeker. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T15:00:13-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1347513476.html Bong Operations Engineer text hoarders haven http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1337575728.html Hello, I am seeking a nice room mate to share my 2 bedroom home. You won't have to pay utilities or do any chores so it's perfect for a young person or a student. But I cannot have anybody touching or moving my stuff because it would set off a chain reaction of emotions and feelings towards you and towards my things. Hoarding is not a mental illness, it is something environmentally responsible because I don't like to throw anything away. But the San Francisco Department of public health said my living conditions were unsafe and came in and forcibly removed my things I have been collecting for over 40 years. It traumatized me and I have been rebuilding my collection ever since. If you are a hoarded this would be a great place because someday, it would be so full of things that we would have to sleep outside. My friend did that in LA but here it might be too cold and the city is very punitive against hoarders and homeless people. Isn't that ironic? They don't like homeless people, but they don't like people with homes either. Please contact me by email as I am unable to get to the phone right now. I have a phone but it only rings. Once in a while I can get to it but it's so far away and very hard to get to. If you had a cell phone that would be better. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-23T00:03:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1337575728.html hoarders haven text Burning Man Flakes http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1334185583.html CRAIGSLIST FLAKES + BURNING MAN FLAKES = WORST KIND OF FLAKES! YOU all know who you are! YOU want to sell me your tarps or furry boots or furry chaps or furry goggles or dome thingy or stupid bike that you used at last year's BM Festival, so you post it for sale on craigslist. Cool. BUT: you don't know where it is, or you've lost the key to your storage area, you're not speaking to your ex-roommate/spouse/coworker/former camp/tribe mate. You don't know when you'll be home, or "back in the country", or you're "uncertain" how much you want to sell it for. Additionally, I'm supposed to be on stand-by for this amazing purchase, because: you are possibly, maybe, but definitely-want-to-keep-your-options-open, because you're probably/maybe/god-willing/if the stars align going to Burning Man this year. Seriously, I read your ad. You said that you wanted to sell your old Burning Man stuff to fund this year's trip to BM....but then when I wanted to buy it, you said you didn't want to sell it ...... because you might be going. This is the kind of thing that gives Southern CA and BM a bad name. YOU want to rent me your old RV for the week. IF we: pick it up, find a shop that will do the $1200 in repairs it needs and the pay Cruise America day rates for it. Dude, I said, we can't pay top market rates for something......that doesn't even run. Not to mention you are too stoned to post a working phone number. Believe me. I NEVER thought we would rent from CriuseAmerica. This is my 7th Burn, and when we've rented RVs (4 times), we've always rented from the little guy. Dear Cruise America Fillmore: I love you and I apologize for all the anti-corporate statements I have made about you. Please forgive me and I thank you for not being stoned when we called. YOU want to buy my two extra Burning Man tickets that I offered for sale for face value, with receipts. Cool. BUT: you want to come after 9:00 pm, but don't really want to commit to that so maybe tomorrow, or if not then, then definitely Saturday....if your friend from Portland is there by then. Or you want a "miracle gift ticket" which means I'm supposed to sell it to you for nothing because you woke up today with the idea that, oh yeah right! Burning Man is a gift economy, with lots of strangers just standing by to make sure that you get a free ticket. Or you make an appointment to come by my house and pick up and buy my tickets, and there are SO many of you like this, but you don't show and don't call. And you even told me "I'm good for the tickets, don't sell them to someone else." Which someone else are you referring to? You mean the one guy in Santa Barbara County who came to pick them up when he said he would, and had cash? Yup. I bailed. I sold the tickets to that guy! It really wouldn't have mattered if he was everything that Burning Man supposedly doesn't stand for. He showed up and and had the correct amount of cash. He could also write a complete email sentence AND could make a phone call and leave a message. I think it was love at first sight. I know there is a place for Burning Man/Craigslist Flakes in Heaven. But until we meet there, let's agree to maintain a friendly distance. I'd say about 1000 miles would do it. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-20T21:34:44-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1334185583.html Burning Man Flakes text To the beautiful woman, from the lecherous middle-aged cat caller - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1302850026.html You were the attractive woman in her teens. I was the unattractive older man who you walked by on the sidewalk. I was the one who shouted, "Wanna know what it feels like to be a woman? I've got what you need girl!" Or something to that effect. Then I think I hip thrusted a few times, laughed, and high-fived the guys with me. I would like to apologize for my rude and unacceptable behavior. I've never been very good with women. The guys with me were good people, but most of us have been hurt terribly in the past by our girlfriends and wives, so we've rationalized our failures and bad upbringing by embracing a chauvinistic, male dominant ideal. As for myself, I'm afraid I have come to embody my father, who's love I always sought even though he consistently beat and humiliated my mother. For perpetuating a terrible male stereotype and allowing this crime to continue into my generation, I am absolutely and eternally sorry. I just want you to know, that while I find you very attractive and acted crudely and violently to indicate my favor, it was not a personal attack. In the only way I had been taught, I was trying to tell you that I thought you were beautiful. I'm sorry that I took away your smile. I'm sorry that I objectified you. This life I've built for myself will leave me unhappy and alone. In my later years, I will atone for my sins in solitude. But for now, without the will to change and without the courage to challenge my nature, all I have to offer you is this anonymous apology. It is sincere, and while I do not expect you to forgive me, I ask only that you try to understand. Though my nature is wretched, and my actions are cruel, underneath I am just a frightened boy. Just a boy who was taught to be the wrong kind of man. I wish you happiness and prosperity young lady. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-02T22:48:54-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1302850026.html To the beautiful woman, from the lecherous middle-aged cat caller - m4w text Just a Simple Question http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1294538481.html I was injured by a Crest Spin-Brush prototype. It put me out of work for six weeks. I'm a contract programmer by trade. It's a substantial amount of damages. I could try to 'find' a lawyer in the area who'd take my case, but then, that would be time on my side. I've got till the new year to file, basically. I've got the original evidence (the toothbrush) which Crest has requested, but my previous legal advice advised not to supply (which I agree with). The long and short of the defect is that the glue failed with baking soda toothpaste, and the bristles fell out out be so many little nylon darts that all wanted to go in their 'direction' (into my lungs). I inhaled some bristles, and I spent six weeks digesting/coughing them out (nobody really knows for sure where they 'went'). I'm pretty sure that the way it works is that digestive enzymes can denigrate nylon, and did. In any event, it was a 'blurb' on my earnings and health expenses, not my fault, and I'd like it back. Now, my *main* problem is that I'm in the armpit of CA (Ukiah) and I've not *got* a whole lot of top-notch legal eagles available (my previous person got a scheduling problem, and the other two I've tried here weren't to my standards). Basically, these guys (Crest) have *already* admitted fault (known defect of the original 'Dr. Johns' product), and they know the batch numbers, and they are obvious (I can send you a picture of any part you'd like). I spent six weeks hacking up what felt like fishhooks stuck in my throat. I didn't get a bit of REM sleep during that period, and became nearly psychotic. I had three instances where large objects got stuffed down my throat (two while conscious, and the third had multiple items stuck down every possible path--to no avail). I can describe in lurid detail all sorts of really *gross* things about the way a bit of nylon stuck between your vocal chords and your esophagus feels like. I *don't* want to ever re-visit those memories again. I'd like to have a lawyer who could ream these assholes (I've *tried* to work with them, but their 'work' is only stalling and trying to get the evidence). So, I figured, "craigslist" (of course!), reverse it. This is about as cut-and-dried a case as you might get, but w/o the magic 'legal' letterhead, no cash will flow from Crest. I say, "Take a freakin' bulldozer to the dam, boys!" So, I was negotiating with them for damages. If 'triple-damages' exist in this state, and you can get me my damages w/o court, demand double damages, and keep the rest. If we have to go to court, demand triple and keep the rest. I'm pissed, and I'm lazy, and craigslist seems a whole bunch better than trying to call you all individually. Byte me, Crest. <ul> <li> Compensation: standard legal fees <li> Telecommuting is ok. <li> This is a part-time job. <li> This is a contract job. <li> OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities <li>OK for recruiters to contact this job poster. <li>Phone calls about this job are ok. <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-28T21:17:57-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1294538481.html Just a Simple Question text re: bisexuals http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1290058777.html Lesbians like sushi and bisexuals like hot dogs and sushi. Lesbians would never be interested in eating hot dogs. A lesbian can eat sushi all day every day and never consider hot dogs. In fact, lesbians can never eat too much sushi. A bisexual can go without sushi, then really miss the feel and taste of sushi, because there is nothing like sushi. Then they go out and get some sushi. They swear they can go without hot dogs, because sushi is so much better. They start to eat sushi all day every day. The lesbian continues to do the same. Then one day the sushi is a little stale and the bisexual remembers how hot dogs are different. She didn't have that problem with hot dogs, at least not that she can remember. Eating hot dogs was easier and less complicated. The lesbian does not start to crave a hot dog when this happens. The lesbian knows she only likes sushi, so even though it got stale, she is still focused only on the sushi. She wants the sushi to get better, because she knows really great sushi is hard to find. The bisexual won't try as hard to figure out why the sushi got stale. Sooner or later she will do what is easier. She will go out for a hot dog. There are hot dogs on every corner and she knows she'll have a few to choose from soon enough. Perhaps she will just have hot dogs for a long time or will try some hot dog rolls or sushi dogs. This is why I prefer lesbians. The only problem is that they may go out for some completely different sushi, thinking that the new sushi will be different. But at least they are aren't out eating hot dogs. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-26T12:29:06-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1290058777.html re: bisexuals text You hit me with your Prius http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288922120.html Me - Bicyclist, heading to jury duty on 10th Street, Friday at 8:50am. You - Prius driver, crossing over two lanes, hitting me with your car and speeding away. I was hoping we could catch up for a cup of coffee, so I could get your views on the environment, and strangle you. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-25T15:23:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288922120.html You hit me with your Prius text Small space for right roommate http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288893848.html About your space: We have a limited time offer for a "nook" in our living room. The nook is currently home to my bike and is 6' x 3'. It is perfect for someone who needs a little respite between apartments and has a comfy sleeping bag. The nook has wall to wall carpeting and has window to private patio. Though it's located in the main living room, you will be assured privacy by the entertainment center and nearby couch. We have limited space in our closet for your things, mostly it's a room for the water heater, our suitcases, and a baby doll on a stick. About the apartment: We're three wonderful ladies in our mid-twenties. We like to have fun and casually entertain but don't party all night long. We have been known to indulge in a Thirsty Thursday event which can get a little rowdy, but it's out and about in the neighborhood so joining us can be a great way to get to know the area. We have laundry in the apt and a beautiful patio with garden. We also have a DVR and some of our favorite taped shows are The Bachelorette, I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, What Not To Wear and Philadelphia Flyers games; these shows and others of our choice are included in your nook rental, please refrain from taping your own shows, such as Cops, as that is not included in the agreement. Conveniently located in the heart of the Mission, 12 min walk to 24th St BART, 3 min walk to 27, 12 and 48. Of course, we love to bike around so you may also bring a bike (helmet and lights a must!) to store in your nook/sleeping area. We have great restaurants and bars all nearby, a highlight is El Metate. About you: Having experience living with multiple women is a plus, we are open to either male or female roommate. We're opening up the nook for the right person, one who can be mindful of the morning shower routine, pitch in with general cleaning, and bonus points if you can change light bulbs since we're vertically challenged. We'd like to get along with our new nook occupant so please be a responsible, fun-loving, hilarious, and all around good person. We'd like to be entertained so talents are a plus. The rent: Negotiable per above standards Availability: Now through mutually determined date <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-25T15:02:59-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288893848.html Small space for right roommate text Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel -m4m- -m4w- http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1281876918.html Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel, I have a proposal. For several days after you stole my 26” rear wheel from my mountain bike, you caused me a dilemma. All I could think of were two options. 1) Buy a new rear wheel – This hardly seemed worthwhile because my bike only cost $25 from Goodwill when I got it and a new back wheel/tire will cost two to three times that much. 2) Buy a used wheel from the Ashby Flea market – We all know this is where stolen wheels go to find new homes. (In fact, I have searched here for my wheel to no avail.) While this option is cheap ($10), it would feel like I am benefiting from someone else’s misfortune. (Probably because I would be benefiting from someone else’s misfortune). But then I had a brilliant idea. Rather than buying a new wheel or a used wheel stolen from someone else, why don’t you sell me back my own wheel. I can pay you the $10 you would have made and then I can save the time and stress of finding a new wheel. If it makes a difference, I could even pay you in alcohol or whatever drug habit you were trying to feed. We can even meet on the same corner where you took my wheel and make it feel all natural. You can walk by and say, “Hey buddy, I notice that your bike seems to be missing a rear wheel. Well, it just so happens I have an extra rear wheel right here with me. Would you like it?” And I can say, “You’re right, kind sir. I am missing a rear wheel. That is very nice of you. It just so happens that I have $10 worth of alcohol, that I was going to use drown my sorrow about not having a bicycle wheel. But now that I have a bicycle wheel, I don’t need it. Why don’t you take it.” And then we can both feel good about ourselves. Please let me know if this works for you. Sincerely Josh UPDATE - Thanks for all the nice emails. And especially thanks to Jess who dropped off a replacement rear wheel!!!!! <ul> <li> Location: By Lake Merritt <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-21T14:25:36-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1281876918.html Dear Sir or Madam who stole my bicycle wheel -m4m- -m4w- text Large dirty fish tank, contents http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1281807221.html This fish tank is an albatross around my neck, a grimy moldy guilt inducing vile infuriating albatross. Except instead of being a sign of a transgression of my own against nature, it represents the irresponsibility of my flaky self-absorbed douchebag previous roommates who left it at the apartment after moving out. I've fed the depressing inhabitants (seriously, is there anything that makes you want to fling yourself in front of a fast approaching train more than looking at fish in a tank?) for the past year, but am moving and will be damned if I take them with me. So, please, take this burden from me. Details: Tank: Standard 5 gallon glass fish tank. Covered. in. filth. Comes with the whole filter apparatus (which probably needs a new filter pad or whatever those things are called). Also has a bubble machine that apparently serves to distract the fish from the meaninglessness and futility of their existence. Contents: Various rocks, Buddha head, plants, and all that other kitschy crap my douchebag roommate put in the tank. She was an art student with a mullet, so I assure you it is hip to the point of nausea. Also worth mentioning (I know, no pets allowed in the free section, but seriously, fish don't count): Tumor Fish and Twitch. The former: white angel fish with a large tumor on the left side of belly. This thing is a scientific wonder and will probably outlive us all. We thought it would die 1.5 years ago, the lump on its side constituting at least 30% of its body mass and forcing it to swim with the top of its body at a approx 70 degree angle to the right. The mass disappeared around 7 months ago but then grew back in February. I do not recommend staring into T.F's cataract film covered black eyes for more than 30 seconds lest you lose all will to live. The latter: Twitch is some generic fish that will never be remotely as interesting as T.F. but moves in spastic fits of motion. All of this can be yours (Joy of Joys) if you are able to come by and deal with moving the cursed thing by Sunday (the 26th) evening. Email me if interested and I can send you pictures, details. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-21T13:48:58-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1281807221.html Large dirty fish tank, contents text Confessions of a Muslim Chick http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1262425223.html I just want to go watch Bruno, but I can’t ask my chick friends because they’d rather be watching some fucking comedy with Meg Ryan in it or going to a spa. I mean a spa? Are you fucking kidding me? Isn’t that what you do when you have no life? And they all hated Borat, which I loved. I really want to ask that great guy I made friends with, because I like having guy friends. This is because they are activity oriented and would jump at road-trips, hiking, kayaking etc which I LOVE, but my fucking chick friends either want to go out for dinner/brunch/coffee, or come over and sit on my couch to whine about their love lives. I DON’T CARE what he thought, said, might have wanted, blah blah blah.. Anyway, the point being, I can’t ask that great guy I made friends with because he wanted to date me and I had to tell him that I really just see myself with another Muslim long-term so that was the end of that (halal-eating to boot—guess who’s getting hitched soon?). And I can’t ask my married male friends because their insecure wives hate me. I also can’t ask some of the single marriage-minded Muslim men I know because they are too busy looking for wives, whom they refer to as “sisters.” I don’t know at what point in courtship the sister-brother shit stops. Can you imagine yelling “OH BROTHER, YESSSS” in the throes of passion? (Assuming these brothers are that good in bed, which is a whole other topic). Also, if a guy is interested in you, the only time he stops being interested is when he finds someone else, but then you lose a friend because the bitch he is with inevitably hates you. (Yes, I am apparently that hot. And I don’t do the spa thing. Go figure. It could be because women in SF aren’t that hot, and I just look good in comparison. Who knows what the deal is? Maybe chicks are just insecure. I’ve noticed that the more unattractive the husband, the more insecure the chick). But I digress. I really just want to go watch Bruno with someone--you can be a chick, dude, trans, whatever. I'm posting this in women seeking men because that probably has the most traffic. It seems like a funny movie, and laughing is better with someone else. And I don’t mean to rag on other women. I love girlfriends—they bring you food when you’re sick and are great to hang out with. It’s just times like these, when I want to do something outdoorsy and they’d rather go to a spa, or when I want to watch an offensive-ass movie, and they’d rather watch a romantic comedy. So yeah, anyone for Bruno? It’s just a movie. I’m really not looking to date anyone (see paragraph #2) unless you’re so fucking hot that I just can’t think straight. If we click, cool. If not, we never have to see each other again. Anytime this weekend works for me. If you're in your late-20s/early 30s, it would be great because I really don't want to be seen in public with someone significantly younger or older. And please don't be ass-ugly or psychotic. If I don't respond, just assume I gave up and went to a spa instead. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-07-09T21:36:13-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1262425223.html Confessions of a Muslim Chick text California's Gay Marriage Ban: Disgraceful http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1190733170.html First let me say I am NOT a mormon. Not everyone in Utah is mormon, in fact the percentage of Mormon to non Mormon is gradually declining as more folks move in from places like California, Nevada, Arizona and the Snowbelt states. So, while the Mormon church does still have some degree of clout here, to boycott Utah thinking you are boycotting the Mormon church, is kind of like the reverse of the Christians telling their congregations that if they go to San Francisco on vacation they are supporting the gay lifestyle. (Everyone with a brain knows that not everybody in San Francisco is gay, in fact it's only about 20% if that.) I am a California native born/raised/bred, from four generations of Californians born/raised/bred in California, retired to the warm, sunny climate of Southern Utah. I was against the first "defense of marriage" thing years ago when that idiot Republican Peter Knight was on his diatribe because I thought it was divisive and redundant. I was no longer in the state when this last initiative came onto the ballot. But I would not have supported the measure (meaning I would have voted NO on 8), not because I am pro-gay per se', but out of logic...because I think "marriage" is a religious institution and I don't believe it is the government's role to be involved in either defining, or protecting the definition of any religious institution, under the separation of church and state clause. (In fact, if you want my personal opinion, while I'm not anti-gay at all, I think that the word "marriage" should imply what it has implied for thousands of years, the union between one man and one woman. But, since it is a religious institution, the power to define what constitutes "marriage" should be left strictly up to the religious community for them to debate and discuss. And if I disagree with one religion's views on "marriage", I'm always free to choose another religion. But to have the government tell me who I can and can't "marry" is CRIMINAL. Plain and simple. We have established Government to protect our basic human rights, not to be allowed to strip us of them, and we should demand a redress of grievances immediately! If everyone in the state voted to send all gays to the gas chamber would that make it legal? God forbid!!) What it boils down to is this: Since "marriage" is a religious institution, then according to Article III of the Bill of Rights, the Government has no business in the "marriage" business...for anyone. The Civil Union should replace "marriage" as the Government recognized legally binding agreement between two people, regardless of gender, and it should be performed by Justices of the Peace (or other appointed Government Officials). We have already established that Government must treat all individuals equally under the law regardless of gender. Therefore, Government should grant the same binding Civil Union to any 2 people who want to apply for the Civil Union, regardless of gender. Once this Civil Union has been performed (a formality), the 2 people can of course go to any church, synagogue, mosque, etc. of their choice and get a "marriage"in whatever religious observance or tradition they see fit. It can't possibly diminish the significance or symbolism of it because in order to get "married" now, a couple needs to obtain a Govt issued license. Essentially, the Civil Union process would just replace the license application process. A side benefit of this would be an added revenue stream to municipalities for the Civil Union process. It's not a tax, it's a fee for services. It would likely require more personnel in many city offices (which the fees would cover), but there would be jobs created. It's not rocket-science. But here is the crux of the irony in this whole California ballot thing (and just one more reason why I was so glad to leave California because it's just gotten beyond ridiculous....) But it shows how backward things are. California can't even pay its own bills anymore...but it's worried about trying to "defend" the definition of "marriage". How rich is that? I have to wonder how many of those people who went to the polls to vote for this poorly-written measure to "defend marriage" are not even "married" themselves, but rather just shacked up together? (Before you tell me it's a 'common law marriage', you can stick it. It's not the same as that legally-binding marriage certificate...you know, that little piece of paper that the lawyers use to take away half your assets when you want to walk out on your spouse. That's why, when you're shacked up it's a lot easier to bail, even if you've been shacked up for 20 years and have kids and property together.) How many of those who voted for the measure even have a religous belief about anything? How many of them could even stay in a long-term relationship, much less a "marriage" without cheating on a partner/spouse (e.g.: committing adultery)? How many of those worried about "preserving the sanctity of marriage" have already been married and divorced once, twice or even three times...or even perhaps more...and re-married? Or here's one that I really would like to ask the religious community, how many of those religious right wing nutjobs calling themselves Christians who went on a diatribe about this measure, have been divorced and re-married, when Jesus specifically condemned this, (except in certain circumstances)? Answer me that. There is so much muck in their own back yards to clean up, they should stick with that instead of worrying about what others are doing. How does it make you feel to know that your school systems are among the worst in the country, so bad that the majority of kids aren't getting the same quality education as their same-age peers in most other states...but at least now your homos can't get married. Thank God for that, though! Right? Show them who's boss! The schools are in shambles, the roads need paving, there is no money to pay the police, firefighters and teachers and hundreds of other state jobs, and tens of thousands of kids have no medical care. But you have just made it that much harder for the queers who live next door to you to visit each other in the hospital if they ever get sick. What a worthwhile accomplishment! Give them the punishment they deserve! They're just queers, who cares? Your kids are graduating high school and they can't read or write, and yet you just spent millions passing one of the most hate-based, discriminatory laws since the pre-civil rights era. How does it make you feel now that you've gotten your way, all of you self-righteous Christians and Mormons and Jews and Muslims and Atheists and who knows whoever or whatever else is reading this (I hope the whole world)...who solicited funds to get this measure passed? Here's a novel question...WHY did you people donate time and money to pass this measure when you could have just as easily given the money and time and energy for a worthwhile cause like doing something about the collapsing school system? Or lobbying your state assembly to change an immigration policy that is collapsing the state budget? Or one of the LITANY of more truly important issues facing your state? Are those things not important to you? Apparently, fighting the cause of homophobia is more important than any of those issues. Do you think homosexuality is some kind of contagious disease? Is it the next global pandemic? Is it going to rub off on you or your kids? Does it spread through the air? Is it in the water? Are homo germs going to blow east and "infect" the rest of us in the free world if you don't take it upon yourselves to stop them? Please tell me, because I would really like to know how you think. Because frankly I don't understand how anyone's choice of a mate (which is entirely someone else's personal matter) can possibly have an effect on you so much that you would go to such lengths as to try and deny others the right to a peaceful and loving co-existence. What doesn't seem to add up here is that homosexuality suddenly doesn't seem so taboo when all you straight guys shut the door to your den (behind your wives back) and go onto your favorite dial-a-porn site and watch the lesbians licking each other for the camera while you pleasure yourself with a bottle of lube. But, hey, we won't talk about that. It's OK for beautiful girls with big boobs and luscious lips to do each other for your porn addiction, but just don't ever let two "faggots" get married and/or move into your neighborhood. That's not the kind of homosexuality we want. But it's fine if you want to try and talk your wife or girlfriend into doing it with another woman (or two) while you watch, that's somehow "normal"...but the thought of two "faggots" who love each other getting married and moving in next to you is "just unnatural". (BTW, In case you hadn't noticed, you are what's called a pathetic loser.) I'm totally puzzled here, California. Not because I expect you to make decisions based on religion, but simply because California has always been the leader in civil rights, equality and justice for all, and most importantly a "live and let live" ethic. California is not perfect, but at least you had a couple of things going for you in the human rights category. However, I am disappointed. You have let the country and the world down. You need to go back to the drawing-board and re-think this one because you made the wrong decision...at the polls, and in the courts. <ul> <li> Location: I'm in Utah <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-26T20:37:48-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1190733170.html California's Gay Marriage Ban: Disgraceful text Pet Ad Translations http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1186113851.html Puppy's = PUPPIES puppie = PUPPY Applys = APPLIES rare = degenerate photo of dogs in a chicken-wire cage = I'm a BYB who's too cheap to buy a kennel they're 6 weeks old...(or anything under 8) = Unless you have proof that the vet has OKed their separation from their mother (and by all means, state that in your ad if you do), your sale is ILLEGAL in the state of California Mom is an X, Dad is a Y = I knowingly or accidentally bred these dogs. Either way, you're not "re-homing" them. You're finding their first home, and that's a sale unless you are a 501(c)3 The litter was accidental, I'm not a breeder, it's not my fault = Unless you happened to purchase/adopt a pregnant pooch, there's NO SUCH THING as an accidental litter. It's called negligence when you NEGLECT to spay and your dog unwantingly has puppies. Even if the neighbor's superdog happened to get under/over your fence. Your own damn fault. Don't flag my ad = There's an obvious reason to flag OBO = I don't care enough about the dog to find a good home, I just need money and need it fast I'm downsizing my home, I am moving and can't take with = I'm too cheap/inconsiderate to look for a place for my dog/cat post in every city = I'm desperate because no one wants my backyard bred dog purebread = PUREBRED (Unless for some strange reason your dog is white or wheat) My kid became allergic, I'm having a baby and can't keep my X month old puppy = You didn't do your research and now a poor dog has to suffer. Ignorant. For Sell = FOR SALE Saleing = Selling (also, not allowed) Dog is Hypo-Allergenic...You can have this dog if your kids have allergies!! = Listen, there's NO SUCH THING as a hypo-allergenic dog. The allergens live in the skin (or saliva), not the hair. So get your kids tested, and make sure that if there's a concern, you take the dog on a TRIAL basis. A respectable breeder and rescue would honor that request. Also, while poodles don't shed much, they do shed some. Like humans, you shed cells, hair... Dog's aren't magical. ask about re-homing fee, email for more info = I'm charging $500 + and am too chicken to post it on here I can't respond to emails = Well then how the hell did you post? / There shall be no proof of my misdemeanors AKC/CKC registered = I paid a bit more so that you will pay a helluva lot more and think that it means the dog is quality (if you went to the AKC website you'd realize that any dog listed ask AKC registered that is up for sale is supposed to come with a specific disclaimer attached... but you already knew that didn't you?) Chiwawa, Chichuachua, Chiuaua, and the best one, Chichuaga = CHIHUAHUA Doxon = You don't know anything about the breed you're trying to sell part Datsun= Perhaps it's a Japanese mixed breed. Hopefully it has low mileage. -ipoo, -doodle, pom/x, and other crazy mixes = I'm trying to make it sound like a designer breed, even though it was really an accident/bred for quick $$ without considering the individual qualities of the breeds I mixed wanted, X breed dog for cheap or free = #1, how about you do a petfinder.com search, or even a google search for local breed clubs. #2, use the 'wanted' section of CL where it's also not allowed to post requesting animal sales fyi, #3 most of you sound like you should never own a dog, let alone the breed you're asking for I want $1000+ for my puppy = I live on another planet I'm selling my .... = I can't read the craigslist rules I will pay you to rent your dog to mate with my dog = Again, can't read the craigslist rules thanks for flagging, you're just helping me = This is my last attempt to get flaggers off my back / I'm panicking All rescues suck = I'm a breeder / I was rejected by a rescue / I make gross generalizations without research doesn't have shots / not spayed/neutered = I'm too cheap of a breeder to do it myself, so on top of a $300 're-homing' fee I expect you to do it yourself I need to re-home my 8 week old puppy. I'm not a breeder. = 8 weeks is the minimum age you can sell a dog unless you have vet approval. If you have to re-home an 8 week old dog, you're an @$$#@!E or a breeder. Either way, you fail. "Get rid of" = I can't even pretend I care kitten wanted/looking for kitten to adopt=i'm too lazy to look at a single craigslist page and therefore haven't noticed the dozens of ads for kittens posted nearly every day. i'm having a baby and can't keep my cat= what exactly do you think that your cat is going to do to a baby? even if your kitty is temperamental, overly rambunctious, or has a fondness for sleeping on people's faces (a potential hazard around an infant); unless your cat is superkitty it shouldn't be too difficult to close her out of the baby's room--and the rest of the time one can assume that baby is under your close eye. I want to trade my... = I have a short attention span and lack a heart. I treat my pets like baseball cards. flaggers are bored, loser, lame, lop, nothing else better to do, spouseless, kidless, jobless (unless CL hired them), petless, no social skills besides those applied to flagging/ranting/raving, most likely P.E.T.A advocates. = If flaggers are worthless and have no friends, pets, etc... why are your panties in a bunch about them. If they don't matter to you, you aren't showing it. By the way, I'm a flagger. I have a job that pays pretty darn well. It gives me the time to come home, play with my pups (multiple) and take them to the dog park, network professionally and socially when applicable, was voted onto homecoming court and best personality way back when, participate in volunteering efforts, have friends globally, and don't have any interest in PETA. I'm curious where you're getting your facts... try taking a 'flagger' poll. I guarantee you there's no one type of person that flags posts. Seems you fit into that lovely category of 'gross generalizations'. Feel free to email me with more suggestions to add to this list. Angry posts from breeders and haters will be entertaining. I'd be happy to share them on here too. <ul> <li> Location: Frequently Seen <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-23T21:47:23-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1186113851.html Pet Ad Translations text Cabana Boy NEEDED - Start ASAP http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1184257283.html In general... on hot days like these we need some support while we relax out in the sun... Job Duties and Requirements: -Must be able to operate a blender -Must be experience with working iPod's -Good with oil and sunscreen -Must wear uniform -Must enjoy sun and water -Hand grape feedings necessary -Be willing work at moments notice This is an excellent position for anyone that needs to get a little Vitamin D and enjoy some sexy ladies' company. This is a non-paid internship, but the perks are excellent: drinks, company and laughs! Please send picture and measurements (don't be disgusting!). SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-22T14:45:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1184257283.html Cabana Boy NEEDED - Start ASAP text Tips for giving head http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1183264821.html I think that most guys are easy to please when it comes to sucking their cock. Sure, you might find yourself the occasional connoisseur, but generally if you go for quantity over quality you can't go wrong. But, if you want to blow his mind when you blow his cock, here's some tips. I've got most of my information from asking other people, both guys and girls, and I've included stuff I've learned in my experience as a cock-sucking slut! First of all, the general opinion seems to be that unless there's a pressing reason (like you're sucking off total strangers on a crowded train) it's preferable if you're naked. Particularly if you've got nice tits (and let's face it, boys are less fussy about the tits they can get in their bedroom than they are about the ones in porn), topless is almost a minimum requirement. There are a couple of advantages to being naked when you're giving a blowjob. Firstly, it's easier to clean up -- just rub anything that lands on you into your skin. Sure, you'll never get a nice Monica Lewinski-style souvenir, but at the same time you'll save money on dry cleaning. Secondly, it means easy access so you or he can play with your bits and pieces -- you'll both love it, more on this later. Now, obviously getting naked before giving head will decrease the spontaneity a bit. Spontaneity is something a lot of guys like, and I think there are a few reasons. Firstly, the idea that you can't wait to drink the cum straight out of him will probably drive your man wild. I remember watching in awe as my best friend dropped to her knees at a music festival once, her man loved it so much she only just got her mouth around his dick in time to swallow his load. I think a spontaneous blowjob also has a subtle psychological effect. If you randomly whip out his cock and suck him off, it will seem more likely to him that you'll do it again some time. So to put a bit of that spontaneity back in, you could try a couple of things that work for me. Obviously, you could take advantage of already being naked, if you're changing clothes or having a shower. Another thing I've found drives most men wild is to drop to your knees, start sucking on their cock, and then tear your clothes off. Finally, you could do a little bit of planning and be wearing something that will come off quickly and easily as you move toward his big, throbbing member. You could, of course, suck him off fully clothed every once in a while, some guys love it like that, some like to have a view. A very important facet of your blowjob is what I will, for want of a better word, call presentation. I've found that there's not much turns a man on more than the idea that you can't resist sucking on his dick. Paradoxically, a bit of teasing is also a big help, particularly if you're trying to make and impression. The old sucking on a prop trick is clichéd because it works -- don't be scared to use it. If there's nothing suitable readily available, suck on your finger. This is extremely effective if you do it in public. Just keep your eyes locked on his, so he knows the prop is standing in for his dick, not someone else's. In a similar vein, give him a big sloppy kiss and pretend his tongue is his dick. Suck it into your mouth and run your tongue over it. Some guys like this more than others. Once you get him alone with plenty of time, give him a show. You or he can take your clothes off, but if you want him to do it you might need to get it started to give him the idea -- men can be a bit slow sometimes! If you're a confident girl, give him a bit of a striptease, with or without music, finish up with a few sexy poses, then get out his dick and chow down. If you're a bit less outgoing, or you're shy, take your own clothes off, but do it slowly. One thing that used to help me was imagining your hands belong to someone else. Move a slowly as you can, turning occasionally. Caress your own skin like a lover should. A big teasing tip: remove your underwear with your back to him, but turn between bra and panties so he gets a look at your tits. Pinch your nipples a bit for him, I've never met a man that didn't work on. If you're insecure about your body, do all this with the lights low; guys have a pretty good imagination, so chances are he'll remember you looking sexier than you think. So now we're at the stage where you're naked and he's starting to go crazy with lust. You need to get over there and start sucking, and you can just do that directly if you want. This works well in terms of making him feel irresistible. I would recommend saying something like, "Get that big dick out, honey, I want to suck you dry," as you advance on him. Try to time it so your knees hit the floor as his cock pops out of his pants, that way it's more like a porn movie, and he'll love it. To keep things in your control, you need to keep him mesmerised, so I'd recommend slow and sexy movements. If he's standing I like to walk over to him, swaying my hips, and grab his belt. Pull him up against you, press your tits into his chest, and kiss him as you undo his pants. Get down on your knees as you push his undies down; kiss down his body if you want, I would recommend looking into his eyes. If he's sitting I like to crawl over to him. If he's on a chair I crawl all the way, but if he's on a bed I'll walk to the bed then crawl up to him. As you crawl, arch your back downward like a cat stretching. Try brushing your nipples on the floor. This leaves your ass sticking up in the air, and the crawling motion will make it sway enticingly. When you reach him, stop at his dick, give him a lustful look and start getting into his pants. This is the point at which you either whip him out and get going, or you turn the teasing up to eleven. I have driven guys wild by starting to blow them through their underwear (this works better with stretchy skin-tight undies than with loose silk boxers). Try giving him the impression that as much as you're teasing him, the self-denial is twice as bad for you. A girlfriend of mine likes to savour the smell as if it's a cigar. Do whatever you feel like, the important thing is you're teasing him to make it better, not to make his life miserable! How you proceed once you're face-to-face with his cock depends on what condition it's in. Young guys will be just about ready to cum, while old guys won't be hard yet (generally -- prepare to be surprised, it's part of the fun!). One thing I absolutely love is putting a flaccid dick in my mouth and feeling it swell up in there. I'll also pop the young guys straight in so that if they're going to lose it we can get the first one out of the way and start again. Otherwise I generally give the cock a bit of a tongue bath. I'd like to talk a bit about taste. Personally, I think cock tastes good. It doesn't have to be straight out of the shower, I don't mind if it's developed a bit of an aroma, within reason. If you pull it out of his pants and the smell beats you over the head take him off to the shower, give him a rinse, and continue there. Trust me, most guys will do anything for head, so he won't mind. Just try not to grimace or retch. You might find a man who wants you to lick things off him. Whipped cream and stuff is fine (although wash well to avoid smelling of cheese), no problems. Lots of guys like you to lick your pussy juices off them (assuming you're not using a condom, which means only in a trusting relationship once you've been tested -- very important), which is something I have no problem with. I would advise you to taste yourself on your own if you think you might do this -- just lick your fingers when you masturbate, and that way you won't surprise yourself. Some guys want to do the ass-to-mouth thing they've seen in porn. Leave this one in the videos, it's not worth the risk associated with ingesting your own shit. Finally, personally I hate the taste of latex, but I know some of my girlfriends don't mind it. I always use flavoured condoms for casual sex so he'll at least taste of chocolatey latex. So, we're up to licking his dick all over. Try to savour the experience, it'll turn him on even more if you're loving what you're doing. One important thing about cocks is that you can push them up (against his stomach), but it could hurt him if you push it down too hard (some guys love this, though). Most guys like it if you push their cock up against their stomach and lick the underside of it. You can move down and lick their balls (gently!), and I go a bit lower to lick the perineum. This is where if you are into it, and don't mind the risk, you can give your man's ass a bit of a licking. Usually at this point you've got one hand lifting his cock by the tip, and the other's not really doing much, which leads us to the question of what to do with your hands. If you're lucky enough to have a big man, your hands will be very useful because they will be the only way to stimulate the base of his dick. Wrap your hand around his shaft and pump the bit you can't fit into your mouth. You can do the same thing if you want to concentrate on his head with your lips and tongue. If you're at a loss, you could always play with yourself. I've sucked a lot of guys who loved to look down and see me sucking hard on their cock while I tweaked and pulled both my nipples. If you're planning to blow this guy again, be sure to show him the wet spot you leave behind because you got so turned on sucking on his big, beautiful, hard cock. By now you should have a big, hard cock in your mouth (you lucky thing!) and your man's full attention. As far as I can tell, the consensus seems to be that sloppy is better. Make sure you're not dehydrated before you start so you can generate spit -- you want to leave a shiny layer all over him. He'll love the idea that you drool at the thought of sucking him off, and I'm told it feels better. This is also an area where fingering yourself gives you an advantage -- just use your own juices to lube him up, supplementing his precum and your saliva. You might have seen in porn (or maybe real life, who knows?!) girls spitting at cocks. This is something I personally find a bit weird, but if a guy asked for it I'd do it. What I find sexier is nestling him between my boobs and sort of dribbling on him. Anything that misses I just wipe from my tits onto his cock. Speaking of this kind of thing, I've been with guys who've asked for a titfuck, and I'm usually happy to oblige. I think with this kind of thing the turn-on is more visual than anything else, so be sure to look up at him with your sexy eyes and make a real show of sliding your boobs over his hard-on. Rather than waste saliva on this (it's hard to make enough) I recommend you get some lube. If it doesn't make you feel silly, a bit of dirty talking wouldn't go astray. One thing I do like is rubbing the cock over my nipples. In fact I love to tell a man how wonderful his cock is as I rub it over my skin -- face, tits, nipples, through my hair. I think it's because it feels a bit naughty. On the subject of talking, I have this to say: if you can talk to the guy, it's not a blowjob. Your mouth should be full most of the time. Don't get me wrong, handjobs are great, especially at the end. I love to watch a dick twitch and pump a big load of cum at me, watch it fly towards me, and feel it splatter on my skin. If you're giving head, however, there needs to be lots of contact between your mouth and his dick. If you want to talk to him, do it between deep sucks of his cock. For example, ask him how it feels, then bury him in your mouth while he groans his ecstatic response, then pop him out again and tell him you love it too. Also, give him the impression talking is secondary to sucking by not answering him immediately. If he asks you a yes/no question, don't even take him out of your mouth, just answer with an "Uh-huh" with your mouth full. In terms of incoherent noises, I would advise you not to fake sexual pleasure -- most guys won't buy it if you fake an orgasm while blowing them. If you do want to make some sort of moan, think more of eating a delicious chocolate dessert rather than being skilfully fingered. Of course, if you're going to cum for real, just let it out, and if you are playing with yourself (or he's playing with you), respond to that too. The noises he really wants to hear are the ones that show how hard you're working -- the sucking, slurping, popping noise of a girl trying as hard as she can to drink her man's cum! If you talk to him, don't be too clever -- remember most of his blood's not in his brain anymore! When I first see his cock I like to complement it -- tell him it's big, hot, hard, beautiful, whatever's not too blatant a lie. If you really can't complement its appearance, give it a good licking or sucking and then tell him it's delicious. In fact, tell him that regardless. During the course of the blowjob you can reinforce the message by repeating it. You could also tell him how much you love what you're doing, or how turned on you are (don't lie about this -- he might check). If this is just stage one of the lovemaking, tell him what you look forward to doing next. If he's a stranger you've picked up, you could tell him you never do this but you find him irresistible. At the end, it's usually a good idea to give the guy permission and encouragement. It's nice to let him know you want to swallow, or take it on your face, or whatever. If there's something you don't want, tell him you do want something else, so instead of, "Don't you dare cum in my mouth, you perve," go for, "I want it all over my tits, you big stud." If you don't want the cum on you, tell him you want to watch it shoot, then point his dick past you. As far as technique goes, I think it comes pretty naturally. You're mimicking intercourse using your mouth, essentially. The difference is teeth, tongue, and the "fact" that good girls don't do it. Lots of guys are freaked out by teeth in blowjobs, some guys like it. You could ask, but I prefer to let him ask me for it. Generally, just use your teeth either to scrape gently over the shaft, or to kind of grip the head at the back and pull, once again, gently! The tongue is a whole other matter. You need to use it. I don't have a tongue piercing because I like my teeth and don't want them chipped or ground down, but apparently this really does make a difference. Your tongue should slither around him, wrapping itself around the head, sliding along the shaft. Your technique will vary depending on the length of your tongue. A favourite among guys seems to be sticking your tongue out to lick his balls while his dick is buried in your mouth, but unless he's miniscule you'll need to control your gag reflex. Now, guys love going down your throat, which is something I blame on porn. I personally have a gag reflex, so I can't do the relentless throat-fucking thing you see in movies, and I don't think there's anything sexy about puking. If you are with someone who wants to make you throw up, make sure you get most of it on him. This deep-throat thing is ok as long as you're in control, though. Once again, probably because it feels naughty, it can be a real turn-on to go as far down a cock as you can. I think guys actually prefer it if you gag a little bit, pop up for air, then dive straight back onto them, rather than either the professional "I can do this all night" thing or if you go too hard and spend minutes coughing. If a guy grabs your head and you're not one of those girls who likes that, or if you don't trust this particular guy, take his hands and move them down to your nipples. Then suck him as deep and as hard as you can to show there's no hard feelings. If you're still at a loss as far as technique goes, get some porn and try anything you see that you like. What's even more fun is to get some porn, then watch it with your man and give him what he sees on screen (maybe a good idea to check the movie on your own first to avoid nasty surprises!). Guys love it if you can give them exactly the same rhythm and action as the slut on screen. After doing your thing for a while, he'll be getting ready to unload for you. If you're a bit inexperienced and can't tell, he'll start to do something different -- lots of guys start to thrust at you, which means they want you to use their rhythm rather than yours so go with that; some guys go still, so basically don't let that freak you out; some guys start talking more, or get less coherent and more grunty. If he starts saying, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum," over and over, he's probably a little way off and needs some help, which you can provide by popping him out of your mouth and begging for a big load! You'll learn to read the signs pretty easily -- when he cums, his pelvic muscles all squeeze up to shoot the semen out of him and this means his balls will lift up and his shaft will twitch. Then you'll find yourself with a jet of spunk to deal with, and you should think about how you're going to do that well before it happens. Personally, I think cum tastes fantastic -- I'd buy it in bottles if I could -- so obviously I have no problem swallowing it. If you do, I suggest two things. First of all, catch it on your skin, then rub it in -- it's sexy without you needing to taste it. Secondly, try to acquire a taste for it, because there are some fun places you can blow a man where you don't want to leave a mess (your car, for example). Some guys want to cum on you (usually face or tits after a blowjob), which might be their way of marking you or something. Whatever it is, there's not much reason not to let them if you're in private. If you're in public (or about to be), maybe consider just how bad the consequences could be, although chances are people won't really notice much. One of the sexiest things I've ever done was to blow a random guy first thing in the morning at university, have him wipe his dick in my hair, and then walk around all day being able to smell the faint aroma of cock in my hair. None of my girlfriends commented, so I assume they didn't notice, but I was so turned on I had to go and buy some more panties at lunchtime. To give a man the best of both worlds, do one of these, then the other. Either have him cum on you, then scoop it up and eat it, or collect his cum in your mouth and dribble it all over yourself. I have a friend who likes to "accidentally on purpose" get a few dribbles on her clothes to make herself look and feel more slutty. Once you finish, don't forget to thank him -- he'll thank you, but won't expect thanks back. If he's a regular of yours tell him you have so much fun you need to do it more often. If he's more of a one-off thing tell him you'd love to do it again. I hope all this helps. Please remember to be safe, and that nobody has the right to force you to do something you don't want to do. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-22T04:27:30-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1183264821.html Tips for giving head text free roller coaster http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1169125151.html I have had this for about 4 years it is fun safe and works great. You want to come pick it up you will need to rent a truck if you don't have one flatbed long when I moved it I needed a 20 foot flat bed these this are huge and when it is assembled it weighs about 20,000 LBS I am trying to get ride of it because I will be moving to small place with not enough room for it. Sad to see it go but I have no choice in the matter hope you will have as much fun as I did. I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU RENT A TRUCK BEFORE YOU CALL ME SO YOU CAN COME RIGHT OVER AND GET IT BECAUSE IT WILL GO QUICK (***) ***-**** ASK FOR RUSTY <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-13T11:54:18-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1169125151.html free roller coaster text Rare Books Library - 1535 to 1940 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1166444710.html Attention RARE BOOKS COLLECTORS A gentleman's eclectic rare book library available to private collectors - representing a bygone era collected over 30 years by a single collector (non-dealer) and particularly popular in the UK and eastern/southern US, where families of European descent settled and stayed during and after the American Revolution. A salute to the historical, fiction and non-fiction and literary books read by almost every child in America from the 1700's onward - a legacy and keystone to Victorian cultural values for generations to enjoy. Particularly important to those who expand their reading, writing and speaking skills through books - those that taught primarily the importance of.... PATRIOTISM, PARENTAL RESPECT, CLEANLINESS, INDUSTRY and...SHAME (a term drummed out during the 1960's and 70's). These are books that instilled MORAL PRINCIPALS to adults and children alike - in accordance with the EDUCATIONAL AIMS OF THE DAY - adherence to Christianity -allegiance to country and -consideration for others. In place of Big Bird, Barney and the Cookie monster - they warned of dire consequences if the nation ever stopped observing the Sabbath with proper reverence; stories stressing the mutual obligations between young and old, rich and poor; excerpts from an essay by Oliver Goldsmith (beautiful bindings in these copies) on how happiness comes from within, not from external objects; numerous tales of children who strive to support their families by doing such menial tasks as selling matches or shoveling snow lest the shame of poverty descend, and above all, the importance of getting an education - Little Lucy, in the First Reader (McGuffey Reader - 1836) would "rather read than play" because children who "do not know how to read cannot learn anything but what is told to them" The library is a testimonial to LESSONS TAUGHT (over 250 prints from the 1800's are available as well) - folio prints taken from large 19th century books - popular additions to many of the books in this library - produced by massive steam-drive presses and distributed though book illustrations or through magazine solicitation (Century, Harpers etc). Prints suitable for framing (if the book was pulled apart - not a good idea) and produced for the pre-1900 burgeoning middle-classes to be hung in family space at home. Portions of the library are unique - 19th century Anglo-America reflecting social (economic) needs of Puritan-Republican, producer-capitalist culture of the times - a culture in which men and women were judged on the basis of character, their moral qualities, their principles, their rectitude and especially their work habits. Promotes positive thoughts through beautifully written passages (seldom re-published). Today, stories are presented (whatever sticks on the wall) as a result of the modern advertising-supported culture heavily weighted toward ENTERTAINMENT. In the new Electronic culture, stories are controlled by those hearing them (and readers are limited to what is being presented). Advertisers pay freight to ship books, but care little, if at all, at what gets transmitted. Advertisers want AUDIENCE ATTENTION, morality being the secondary consideration. The target audience is young, affluent, and eager to experiment types - bored, blaming and aggressive toward the old ways and views. Interestingly, books of the past were really more about STORYTELLING than today - a maximum value on this rare book collection. But, storytelling changed in the 1960's and more so with today's software (electronic copies of books can be downloaded) - happily we can load great stories we grew up as well (Dickens, Twain, London, Grant, Lee, Eisenhower, etc) In the early modern world - lessons were DOWNLOADED FROM ABOVE. They were told vertically from the CHURCH and the COURT - and down to the people and finally DOWN to the CHILDREN. Stories were told first in song, later in paint and with the advent of the Printing Press, they were told horizontally, sideways-out, from the WRITERS, to EDITORS and PUBLISHERS; and fanlike OUTWARD to the READERS IN BOOKS (placed on shelves), MAGAZINES and NEWSPAPERS In the contemporary world - lessons in the electronic world - stories seem to be told BOTTOM - UP - from the audience BACKWARD to the storytellers Now, it seems, with nonexistent censorship, those in control of the storytelling machinery can be wonderfully "amoral" - caring less about which stories are told, as long as they can gather a particular audience together for a period of time - and then essentially RENTING THAT AUDIENCE'S ATTENTION TO AN ADVERTISER. The only gate they keep - is the BOTTOM LINE. Today, story tellers (of TV and film, in general) must gauge what the audience wants and sell their attention to a third party for money. That is a livelihood - not storytelling. Power today is held by advertising - less by creativity or imagination. Print media has always carried advertising, but advertising was always subservient to the text, used as a way to lessen purchase prices. Historically, book, newspaper and magazine publishers saw their connection with the reader as - ONE OF FRIEND and GUIDE. An unfortunate commercial necessity, there were pitched battles between owners and assemblers of print media and advertising agencies. Ads were often bundled up in ghettos in the back of the book rather than allowed to intrude on the text. Family owned dynasties owned and protected the power of the print - the Scribners, Holts, etc had a tradition of caring for their readers in a rather paternalistic way. Publishing was run like a secular church - a sacred trust. The "gentle reader" idiom was part of a culture that also included a weekly "letter to the editor" or notes from the publishers desk The great publishers saw themselves as "merchants of light". Today, their counterparts exist in large conglomerates who call books "UNITS" and authors "TALENTS" - like Hollywood. So, I even find myself marketing this collection on the Internet (because it is best served to a limited audience of individual collectors desiring a complete library of historical consequences). Books were once ruled by Victorian gatekeepers - Ministers and parents were powerful gatekeepers, but the real powers of the time (evident in these books) were the editors, publishers, teachers, manufacturers, shopkeepers. Typical of the time - every time Queen Mary visited the Victoria and Albert Museum, a vast plaster fig leaf was hooked onto the cast of Michelangelo's David. If you want a nifty barometer of how much things have changed, think only of the royal family today. At that time - there existed a still palpable fear among the middle class that emanated from...what THEY COULD DIMLY REMEMBER FROM THE FRENCH REVOLUTION - and WHAT THEY KNEW WAS OCCURRING IN THE MID-CENTURY UPRISINGS IN EUROPE AT THE TIME - A healthy fear of the mindless mob existed. Hence, along came the Victorian SOCIAL REVOLUTION that worked TOWARD STABILITY through the mid-20th century (similar to TV's attempts at cultures of the Beaver, Disney and the Honeymooners - a mainstay for families sharing dinner together. What was said by a contemporary historian of the 19th century could apply as well to America of the 1950's - that the "poor was striving in almost impossible circumstances of their lives to conform to middle-class standards of morality" Then in around 1960, something happened. Morality went the way of top hats and spats and the center would not hold as a result. Thereafter, cultural programming was generated - from BELOW, not ABOVE. Society began slouching toward today's CULTUREVILLE. As always, those who "control the international flow of money and information, preside over philanthropic foundations and institutions of higher learning - and ultimately MANAGE THE INSTRUMENTS OF CULTURAL PRODUCTION - AND, THUS. SET THE TERMS OF PUBLIC DEBATE. Even then, the "elite", it was generally thought at the time - didn't care for the world around them - and in the words of WORDSWORTH - "Getting and spending, they lay waste OUR lives" While these books represent the Victorian society (lots wrong - bigotry, exploitation of labor, racism, genocide in empire building) there was also plenty right about the era by comparison to today's standards. The boy's classics of the times showed societies of the world and illustrations upon which to dream about when they grew up. Children read these books and left home for adventure when they became of age. The Victorian age taught it was right to direct attention to first individual and group decencies. Victorian shame was most often directed toward the excesses of romantic narcissism - Responsibility was situated first in THE INDIVIDUAL, THEN IN THE GROUP. Public and private were well defined, and private came first. The library represents an era in which GENTILITY, RESPECTABILITY and PROPRIETY were often regarded as the GREATEST PUBLIC VIRTUES. American youngsters have always been glutted with socializing information - and in the past they were brought up on puritan primers and print, often written by schoolteachers, historians or pastors, melodramatic in nature and stern in punishing the wayward child through shame and social control. Authors like Louis May Alcott, Aldrich and Finley tempered this zeal, but still cast the child as at risk in a world of danger. PROTECT YOURSELF, BEHAVE PROPERLY, LEARN THE MANNERS, THEN SUCCESS MAY BE YOURS. I hope to attract private collectors of financial means, who appreciate quality rare books en bloc and seek a long-term investment that will last for generations - a library of well over 4,000 individual volumes on hundreds of fascinating topics of interest to those who value American, European literature and history. All the books are highly illustrated in exquisite bindings and range across all categories - nearly 30 years taken to collect en mass - each purchased by the owner in pristine condition - most all printed prior to, during (or just after) the 1800's (ranging from 1535 to 1950). - antiquarian books of such quality and range - found en bloc - would be difficult, if not impossible in today's marketplace. Most of similar breadth are kept as family heirlooms to build upon, hand down to children or trade or gift among friends on special occasions. Printing dates span 400 years. - Titles are well-recognized and read like indexes seen in US and European literature and history books. Many of us kept such books to learn about our history. Each unique book opens possibilities to expand learning more about our heritage - Non-fiction, fiction, art and historical books, biographies and topics of interest to those familiar with western civilization and world history - including American, European and International literature, international art books as well as numerous highly illustrated books of significant historical value to eclectic book collectors. Basically, a truly unique and once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to obtain glimpses into the Victorian era, for example, as well as American and European history - clearly, impossible to find anywhere else in one place. Many highly valued authors who helped build America left us a legacy of historical literature about their experiences. We owe a debt to those who contributed and sacrificed (the European, Scandinavian, Mediterranean areas, etc). We also owe gratitude to those who kept the books for us - including ancestors who grew up reading these books in their original state as children and adults - many of whom experienced the challenges and adventures of American and Western civilization first hand and wrote of their experiences for us to learn about and pass down to our children. Modern day schools cannot keep up with categories seen in this collection - there is also a shift away from teaching many basics we grew up reading about. Our country was founded on many of the traditional and cultural heritages that these books focus upon - including fascinating places and experiences they could only read and dream about at the time, but we find described in fascinating detail in these books. The Internet has made it easier to everyone to find "information" very quickly, but books are inherently valuable as bound (printed) - books will last and cannot easily be cut off or limited by modern technical problems. Categories in the library include only the finest examples of English, Scottish, Irish, German, French, American and European Literature; Children's Books from pre1900; Color-Plate illustrations from wood, steel and copper, all being Highly Illustrated Books; Early Printed Books back to 1535; Private Press Books, thousands of Fine Bindings, Original Artwork, Manuscripts, High Spot Modern First Editions and very rare books your great-great grandparents collected and read when children, usually by candlelight. All the books were collected individually (inspected by hand) from antiquarian bookshops over 30 years of searching and purchases. A single purchase the library en bloc is the best option for the value, but a payment plan can be arranged by agreement as well for tax purposes. Depending on volumes selected, I will consider half the asking price. The retail value exceeds $700,000, as admitted by many dealers who have viewed the collection, but cannot offer retail prices considering the wholesale and profit margins needed as middlemen to their clients (and economic considerations). I do plan to retain a few hundred volumes for my own collection that will not be included in the sale. There are simply too many interesting categories to list here - and you will understand the overall value in a single purchase when viewed (rather than a giant list on a spreadsheet). Clearly, high interest for specialists, brokers, dealers and even private collectors has been generated and considered - but, once broken up, the library will be of lesser value to the eclectic types who, like me, the value of the library being in its entirety, intact. Within the collection - all inclusive Cal and Stanford yearbooks, local and national football coaches playbooks and inspirational writings (including Pop Warner, Pappy Waldorf, Rockne, Leyhe, McKay and more). Most are firsts including the 1906 SF earthquake, 1912 Titanic sinking, 1876 Custer biography and Elisabeths (wife) books, etc. Some limited Western Americana for specialists - History of (18)49ers, 2 and 3 volume sets on SF and a 2 volume set on California edited by John Muir (including individual titles). All who have visited agree it is an astonishing collection seldom seen even in a book shop - a one of a kind opportunity to obtain a complete library of rare books of major historical importance - libraries of such magnitude and quality are seldom seen and predominantly kept by gentlemen in the UK, eastern or southern parts of the USA - never making it to the marketplace. En bloc is ideal to retain and hand down to children and generations to come. Dealers are focused on mediating sales by specialty to their clients. Serious collectors can contact me to discuss. I will arrange a personal viewing for those who are serious about acquiring such a library for themselves or their entire family. Some brief examples include - a 1535 Homer edition in Greek, Caesar's Commentaries in English with foldouts in English, biographies of all US Civil War generals including folios of Leslies and Harpers historical sets, Stanley and Livingston sets, Blighs journals, Cook's 3 voyages, 1879 Custer, 1899 Egyptian book of the Dead, Bibles from all eras, childrens books from UK and US pre-1900, complete sets of Dickens, RL Stevenson, Twain, Sir Richard Burton, Lincoln; Fiction and Non-fiction American and European (London, Steinbeck, Hemingway); Einstein, all official Olympic Games books (including many of the 1936 games with photos), Albert Schwietzer, and many more. Most copies were valued in the $200 to $300 range with well over 50 volumes in the $2,500 to $3,500 range (purchased as retail). All pre-1900 children's books collected because of their fine, colorful bindings - many seen in bookstore windows over the years at $45 minimum. A few 17th century folios. But, frankly my library is - American, European, literature, Travels and Voyages and many, many early illustrated first editions other very fine printings. 1. Homer, ILIAS ET ULYSSIEA, cum Interpretatione. Greek text with marginal notes. 4 to, new 1/2 calf, Basle Herwagen, 1535 2. The Commentaries of C Julius Caefar of his wars in Gallia; and the civil wars bewixt him and Pompey. With many excellent and judicious obfervations thereupon, and alfo the ART of our Modern Training Also the Art of Modern Training by Clement Edmonds. Printed by Edward Jones - MDCXCV - new binding in quarter leather and another in original binding (2 copies) 1695 Covent Garden 3. Fables of Aesop and other eminent mythologists; with Morals and Reflections ; By Sir Roger L'Eftrange, Kt. 3rd edition corrected and amended. London Printed for R Sare, B. Took, M. Gillyflower, etc 1699. rebound with new spine and very thick bookcovers. 4. FABLES - Ancient and Modern; Tranflated in VERSE, from Homer, Ovid, Boccace, & Chaucer: with ORIGINAL POEMS by Mr Dryden LONDON: Printed for Jacob Confon, within Gray's Inn Gate next Gray's Inn Lane. MDCC Rebound 5. An ACCOUNT of Sir Isaac Newton's Philofohical Difcoveries, in four books by Colin Maclaurin, Am. by Patrick Murdoch, MA and FRS - second edition London Printed for A Millar at Buchanan's Head MDCCL A small sample of other books perhaps of interest; 1. A voyage to the Pacific Ocean undertaken by the command of his Majesty, for making Difcoveries in the Northern Hemifphere - in 3 volumes (no maps as a separate volume) Dublin MDCCLXXXIV printed for H Chamberlaine, W Watson, et al 2. Paradise Lost - A poem The Author John Milton - 2 volumes (small) - London, printed for John Sharpe Piccadilly 1822 3. The L and A of Robinson Crusoe by Daniel De Foe in two volumes (small, not exactly matched) Vol I Hartford: Judd Loomis & Co 1837 and Vol II Hartford: Andrus and Judd 1833 4. A clean, modern facsimili of the original 3 volume set of - Robinson Crusoe series 1790 on. Introduction written by Charles Whibley London; Constable & Co, Ltd. Priinted in Britain by Cahares Whittingham and Griggs (Printers) at the Chiswick Press MCMXXC 5. CORPVS POETARVM LATINORV - VOL I & II - OPERA et FRAGMENTA - veterum Poetarum Latinorum. Profanorum & Ecclefiafticorum . Doubus Voluminibus comprehenfa Londoni Apud J Nicholson, B Tooke, & J Tonson Large Folio MDCCXIII 6. John Leech's Pictures of Life and Character, from the collection of "Mr Punch"; London, Bradbury Agnew & Co.1886 Folio Others include large illustrated folios, firsts (French and English) of Aesop, La Fontaine, poets, history, exploration, travels, battles, etc, etc. I have a medium sized series - 6 bands of Twain's works - in German (Stutgard 1892 to 1897) first editions in this series - mint, red covers illustrated as though printed yesterday - verlag von robert lub - an Internet reference - obtained by UCL (University College London) in 2006 for an undisclosed price by their library - pencil inscriptions from 1906. Below - some second printings of the more famous modern American authors - Good, clean copies purchased when I was a young student without much capital. At that time, I chose lesser expensive volumes (non-firsts) as the first editions were trading at a very high premium and collector competition was simply too expensive for me at the time. Dealers and collectors sell the true firsts across the nation from several hundred, in some cases to several thousand per volume in those signed, top quality, etc - depending on the condition and interests of their clientele. In my collection, the non-first editions apply only to a few authors - Oz, Steinbeck, and Twain and therefore, mine have been priced accordingly in the collection based on condition and year printed. Sample Hemingway The Garden of Eden 1986 Scribners The Old Man and the Sea 1952 Scribners The Green Hills of Africa 1935 Scribners Across the River and through the Trees 1950 Scribers Men without Women 1927 the MacCaulay Co Sample London When God Laughs 1911 MacMillan Regent The Sea Wolf, June 1906, Grosset & Dunlap NY Before Adam, 1907 MacMillan Moon Face, 1906 MacMillan Sailor on Horseback, 1938 Houghton Mifflin - Jacket White Fang - Oct 1906 Grosset & Dunlap, Riverside press - Jacket The Game - June 1905, MacMillan Sample Steinbeck Bombs Away 1942 Viking For Whom the Bell Tolls, 1940 Scribners A - Jacket Cup of Gold 1936, Robert McBride & Co - Jacket The Moon is Down March 1942, Viking - Jacket The Pearl 1948, Wm Heinemann Ltc, Britain Death in the Afternoon 1932 Scribners A. Sketch of him in front and color page The Wayward Bus 1947, Viking Travels with Charlie 1962 Wolg Mfg Co - Jacket The mostly 18th and mostly 19th century editions were well-recognized in rare book shops - quality literature, poetry, childrens books - interesting and amazing illustrations representing an amazing era - epic talent in writing, illustrating and publishing. Other very small sample -- - Fiction/Nonfiction - Twain, Dickens, Lincoln, Nordoff & Hall, Cooper, Steinbeck, London, Oscar Wilde, La Fontaine/Aesop's Fables, Goldsmith, Roosevelt (African Game Travels), Jules Verne, too many to mention - Historical folios - Rev Wars France, Germany, Russia, Spain, Lossing's US hx classics, San Francisco1849; 1535 Homer in Greek and Latin; Hx of US and England; Bancroft series; All Olympic books including several '36, 2 vol Germany summer/winter w/ inlaid photos; Complete historical photo series of US Civil War by Lincoln's Photographer. All letters, speeches and correspondence Lincoln - Folios - Harpers weekly (+ monthly) bound 1860's + 1960 reprints, Civil War, Rome, Egyptian Book of the Dead 1899, English/Scottish Kings, 260 large matted prints US army uniforms 1888 back to revolutionary war, European historical, aristocracy, soldiers and castles, etc; All weapons of England (1700's); John Muir firsts/folio about California; Pictorial memoirs of Napoleon's generals who fought in the wars; - Travel and Exploration - Journals of 3 Voyages of Cook's 1st Irish, multiple sets of Stanley/Livingston (last jounals etc), Dr. Albert Schweitzer, Arabian Nights Sir Richard Burton, Portugal/Spain and English explorers; Bligh's South Seas journal (copy of the actual handwritten journal) signed Lord Mountbatten (hero to English of WWII and later blown up by IRA) - Illustrated Literature - complete sets Goethe, Twain, Dickens, Hodder/Stoughton classics, St Nicholas 1886-90, Victor Hugo, Robert Louis Stevenson - many, many more - Victorian women's styles and dresses bound from mid 1800's on - hand colored. - Children's fine bindings - poetry, stories about historical figures, civil war heroes, heroes, heroines etc-Victorian era. Bambi series, Dare Wright series (Bears children books) many, many complete children's illustrated - 1940 and 50 classic series (entire). - Fine artistic illustrated - large steel engravings founding fathers, hand colored 19th/20th century. Aesop's/La Fontaine Fables 1699 and other later editions, Galleries/Famous American and European Poets, Authors and Literature 1800's on bindings and sets - European/American History - RE Lee and Lincoln writings, Lossing's American revolution/civil war series, Caesar's Commentaries English 1700's with battle array foldouts; Sir Isaac Newton - biography with foldouts. Mutiny on the Bounty, Pitcairn Island firsts - Autobiographies, biographies - first eds Lincoln , Washington , Napoleon, Custer and Sitting Bull, Indian wars, Buffalo Bill. Wild Bill, entire US Rev and Civil War sets by casualties and regiments, WWI, II generals, Lodges Portraits of English Gentlemen, 1700's encyclopedia and literature, Einstein on Zionism 1933 - College yearbooks - all Stanford/Cal, Starr (about Stanford) on diverse topics - Classical Music history - complete folio series on classical music/opera - actors in costume 1880's - music and narrative - Poetry books - countless fine bindings/complete sets from the turn of the century authors and artistic works. Whitman, EA Poe - Sports - Coaches football play books - Knute Rockne/Pop Warner on football, Payton on Basketball, etc - Bibles - all types/sizes family bibles from 1700's forward - some signed/some unused. Books on women, weddings and families from 1800's onward. - Plans - famous masted ships, rigging, famous WWI and WWII aircraft design, defense of US and Britain against invasion - WWII - Jane's aircraft/ship series, famous general's autobiographies, victory series to US soldiers; war summary by Eisenhower Cheers, Please reply via email and I will contact you giving serious consideration to those interested. We can share email information and discuss the possibilities. You will want to view the collection in any case a private collector Danville, CA <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-11T21:03:16-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1166444710.html Rare Books Library - 1535 to 1940 text It aint easy being a fat chick http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1158039195.html Some observations from a 43 year old 5 foot 4 230 lb woman.... I have been working really hard at changing my life. I am down 35 lbs, up probably 10 in muscle. The first thing to vanish was my boobs and the last thing will be my frickin' belly. I feel much better, my eyes are clear, my clothes are all too baggy and fried food bothers my stomach. I also, for the first time in my life, find obese people upsetting and almost disgusting. This bugs me, it is hypocritical at best, I am still a fat chick! Here are a few things I have noticed so far - 1. Most men still think me vulgar and ugly, never mind my pretty face and personality. But now, I am starting to see men at the gym doing one of two things - they either speak to me because I have somehow managed to be a gym rat in their eyes or they are starting to pay attention and be nice to me because they think that by some miracle I will screw them once I lose a bunch more weight, granted, this is my instinct speaking, I could be totally wrong. Either way, anyone who wasn't man enough for me as a really fat chick surely will not be man enough for me in the future, it kind of pisses me off. 2. 35 lbs is A LOT of fat. Next time you go to the grocery store, take a look at packages of hamburger in 1 or 2 pounds. Add it up, it seems massive. It feels that way too. Who knew that 6 months ago when walking on the treadmill hurt my feet so bad I could hardly walk that now I am biking and running. 3. Women are for the most part, negative about my success. Disguised as some sort of twisted cheering me on, most have something negative hidden in everything they say. WTF is that? Women truly are insane! 4. Trainers are useless to me! Most of them are just slick salesmen who studied one book and took some test (not all, but this has been my impression and I have made it my business to get to know them all). The nicest people I have interacted with have been the biggest, baddest, buffest dudes and the most ripped ladies. Somehow they can see beyond the obvious and pick up on the fact that I am absolutely driven and determined. Some of them have been instrumental in proper form, putting together a solid work out and how to make a program work. 5. Chicks that wear a bunch of makeup and wear their hair down at the gym looking super hot are THE MOST SUPERFICIAL creatures walking the planet, AND they are dumb as rocks. What a waste of such beauty. 6. Building muscle and losing fat hide themselves and manifest themselves in the strangest of ways. I plateaued at 35 lbs a month ago and yet people who haven't seen me in a month are still going "WOW you are losing weight!". So don't get so down when you hit one, your body is just adjusting, it is natural and a part of the whole deal. 7. It SUCKS being the fat one at the gym, it is not easy to walk into a place of sculpted beauties looking so pitiful. You have to absolutely dismiss all of those feelings and it is not easy! 8. Gay guys absolutely hate fat women at the gym, it makes no sense to me but they have mad attitude. 9. There is so much to learn, un-learn in bad habits and re-learn in good ones. Give yourself a break, you didn't get fat overnight, its not going away overnight. You have to stick with it, invest time and time pays off. 10. Young guys are much nicer than the young ladies. 11. Don't be a chicken! People bigger than you feel just as awful and awkward as you do, dare to share your enthusiasm with them, it really does help. 12. I hate brown rice and oatmeal, but they are my friends. 13. If you are gonna eat carbs, get your ass on the cardio machines and use them! 14. Elyptical (sp?)machines are supposed to be easy on the knees, what bullshit! They are also usually made for people 5 foot 5 or taller. 15. Don't freak out when you build muscle in your upper body and your bras get tight! Build enough muscle and the fat will start to fade, it will pass. 16. 6 meals a day really is a great ticket, eat protein with each and every one of them. 17. If you are really working the weights, start incorporating a protein shake of some sort immediately after your work out - if you wait more than 20-30 minutes your muscles will try and eat themselves. 18. One word - DERMAFINE-MD. It WORKS just as well and is much cheaper than Strivectin. 19. Please for the love of all things sacred, lose weight for YOURSELF. Forget the porn/media driven body image and trying to be something for someone else. You MUST strive above all to do it for YOU (everyone else gets a bonus when YOU succeed). 20. COUNT EACH AND EVERY CALORIE AND MAKE THEM COUNT. If you don't eat enough, your body will eat your muscles, if you eat too much and the wrong type, back comes fat. 21. YEP - that guy you absolutely could not believe was looking at your hoochie when you were doing leg presses really was. Nope, he doesn't want to screw you but somehow can't NOT look. 22. YEP - that awful bimbo who looks at you with such disgust really does think you a loser, fuck her and the sugar daddy who bought her those boobs. Well I am rambling, I just wanted to share a little of what I have learned and seen. I hope it helps someone out there. You really can be successful, just remember that courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear - YOU! <ul> <li> Location: Notions and wisdoms for BBW women <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-06T15:10:41-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1158039195.html It aint easy being a fat chick text My Excellent Adventure with "Table for Six" http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1157378129.html Seeing no signs of progress some five years after my divorce, and with my 42nd birthday rapidly approaching, my well-meaning but misguided friends chipped in together to buy me a membership in a single’s club called “Table for Six.” The format, as explained in a welcoming letter I received from the agency, seemed simple enough: you attend a dinner for three couples at a fancy restaurant; if you click with someone, you were free to arrange additional dates on your own, or by matchmaking through the agency. The members of the group seated at the table with me had been selected by the agency for compatibility: fortyish, well-to-do professionals all, and each of us divorced at least once. As luck would have it, the third man in the group had failed to show up, so distributed around the table with me were the other man, three women (all reasonably attractive specimens in my eyes), and a facilitator, whose role was to keep the conversation moving along amongst the group. “Remember, honesty is very important!” she chirped, managing to sound both serious and merry at the same time. “I encourage you all to consider it a rule, and not to embroider the truth!” I didn’t really want to be here to begin with – this being exactly the type of contrived social event I loathe – so being lectured to in this way was particularly irritating. I swirled a watery vodka and tonic and wondered why I had agreed to be here at all. Having finished her lecture, the facilitator announced that everyone would be introducing themselves and giving a short biographical sketch, and gestured to me to begin. I gave everyone sixty seconds of whom I am, and then took inventory of my companions as they did the same. Teresa, who was sitting closest to me, was smartly dressed in a black skirt and a white blazer. She smiled coyly beneath wavy blond hair and watery blue eyes, and her florid complexion suggested that she liked to pull a cork now and then. Janet sat stiffly between Teresa and the facilitator. The cream turtleneck that rose out from her dark jacket fit her like a neck brace, and her expression gave me the feeling that she considered this get-together to be very serious business. Hunched over to the right of the facilitator was the other man. He was already working on his second drink, and I had the urge to lean across the table and loosen the knot in his tie. He stammered his way through a short introduction and then looked to his right. Slouched there, at the other end of the group, was Kaitlin, who was as relaxed as Janet was not. She seemed intelligent enough when she spoke, but somewhat lacking in self-confidence. The most casually dressed member of the group, and wore a minimum amount of makeup. Her peasant dress was simple and elegant; her chestnut-brown hair short and shapeless. With the introductions completed, the facilitator asked if everyone was ready to order and waved at the waiter passing through the room. Kaitlin, I observed, ordered vegetarian. But it would hardly have mattered if she ordered the filet mignon and lobster platter; in the time-honoured feminine tradition of trying to make a good first impression on the first date, none of the women did more than pick at their food. The conversation sputtered a few times in the beginning, but gradually took hold. Terrorism, the economy, the housing market…all the predictable topics were discussed in a predictably superficial, non-offensive manner. Unfortunately, the other man was not proving to be much of a conversationalist, and the burden fell to me to pick up the slack. Twice I deflected questions about my opinions on social topics, and twice the facilitator cheerily reminded me that honesty was very important, and that I should consider it a rule. The vodka I had consumed wanted to know if I was going to continue to put up with that shit, and I decided that I would not. “Look, just because I don’t take you into my thoughts on every point we discuss doesn’t mean that I’m being less than honest.” For a brief moment, the facilitator seemed nonplussed. Clearly, she was not accustomed to having her concept of honesty brought into question. Then the cheery smile she’d been sporting throughout the evening found its way back onto her face, and she smoothed it into place with a short laugh. “But Dan, we’re all trying to learn about each other tonight so that we can get acquainted. We can’t do that if you’re holding back things about yourself. We want to know the real Dan. Won’t you help us with that?” I turned my palms toward the ceiling. “You’re talking about candor – or transparency if you prefer – which is not the same as honesty. Honesty is telling the truth about the things you choose to say, while providing enough detail to be representative of reality.” But the facilitator had decided to be preoccupied with trying to flag down a waiter, and she did not reply to this. I looked around the table, hoping that someone would argue with me, or agree with me, or tell me to take a flying leap – anything, in short, to escape the perfunctory conversation we’d been having for the past hour. The waiter arrived and began clearing the table and taking drink orders. Teresa turned towards me and rested her hand on the back of her neck, leaning forward to pivot her elbow on the table. “So, Dan,” she said, smiling broadly, “When was your last long-term relationship?” I decided that I’d had enough of watery vodka and tonics and ordered a Remy Martin instead. “A couple of years ago or so.” I wondered when we would start to discuss the weather, and whether I could escape to the men’s room after finishing the Remy for a leisurely, lengthily interlude, fake an upset stomach upon my return, and leave early. “How did you meet her?” Teresa had taken a liking to me, or so it seemed to me. Knowing the forsaken path ahead of us in this line of conversation, I paused and thought for a moment. Honesty is very important – we’re all trying to learn about each other tonight! So I shrugged, looked Teresa in the eye, and gave her honesty. “I picked her up at a strip club. She was a dancer.” Teresa laughed heartily. “Really!” she exclaimed a bit too loudly, and chuckled again. “Really,” I replied quietly, not laughing or smiling. Teresa fingered her drink, apparently trying to think of what to say next. “How long did you go out?” she finally asked. “A little over a year. Maybe fifteen months.” “Why did you break up, because she was a stripper?” Teresa had stopped laughing and now looked slightly concerned. Some of the other people at the table had stopped talking and were leaning in, trying to hear the conversation. “No. She wanted to get married, and I didn't.” “Oh,” said Teresa in a small voice. The waiter had come back, and she traded him her empty glass for a full one. A slice of pineapple hung from the rim. “You didn’t want to marry a stripper?” “No, stripping had nothing to do with it.” I took my Remy from the waiter and nodded a thank you. “Didn't it bother you? I buried my nose in the snifter containing the Remy and inhaled deeply. My nostrils tingled. “Stripping? No.” “Don't strippers also accept money for sex?” The other man at the table was watching me now, and for the first time since the evening began, he seemed to be enjoying himself. I lowered my glass and swirled the cognac around. “You’re confusing stripping with hooking,” I replied. “Same difference,” Teresa said evenly. Her lips had begun to tighten and disappear. I shrugged again and took a healthy swig from the snifter. “Do you go to strip clubs often?” Teresa’s voice had sharpened, and she seemed much less interested in me now. I puffed air from my mouth, feeling the Remy slide down to my stomach and igniting the flesh along the way. “How many times a week is often?” Teresa’s mouth flapped open and closed a couple of times, and then she raised her own glass and sipped furiously at the straws. Janet turned in my direction. “What is the attraction with strippers?” she asked stiffly. I could see the facilitator trying to look at me around the curve of Janet’s turtleneck sweater. I looked back at Janet and said, “They generally have little problem with getting naked.” “Do you pay them for sex?” I raised my glass and took another large sip. “Sometimes. Sometimes not. Depends on the girl, the day, the mood.” One of Teresa’s hands held her glass in the air, and the other was buried in her armpit. “Do you also see hookers?” she asked with sarcastic joviality. I returned my gaze to Teresa. Her cheeks were much redder now. “Street girls, no. Escorts, yes.” “Why?” asked Janet with feeling. “Convenience, honesty, reliability. And they go home afterwards.” By now everyone at the table had stopped talking and was listening to us. The facilitator gave me a furious look, then turned to the other man and asked him a question, but everyone ignored her. I looked at the women one by one as I spoke. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but have any of you ever engaged in physical activity with the idea that you would be compensated somehow, even if the compensation was not explicitly stated?” “Define compensation.” Kaitlin sat up and joined the conversation. “A place to spend the night, a ride, cash, a gift, a promotion, a plum work assignment.” “By those definitions, yes. I slept with a partner once to get ahead. I was young, stupid, and it did not work. But yes, just the once.” I noticed that Kaitlin was drinking a pinkish concoction and that her glass was more than half full. Teresa and Janet traded glances and remained silent. Janet took a long pull on her drink and set it back on the table. She folded her arms over her chest and looked over at me. “Convenience, reliability, and leaving afterwards I can comprehend. But you also said that you see hookers because of honesty. What did you mean by that? Obviously not that she is ‘transparent’ about herself, since you are seeing all you wish to see of her already.” I looked in my glass at the last of the Remy. “I’m attracted to her physically, and that is what I want, a physical experience. She wants the cash. I know it. So we work out an agreeable price and enjoy each other. Then it is over. Besides, it costs not much more than dinner and a show.” At this last, Teresa and Janet collectively made a noise somewhere between a groan and a yelp, rolled their eyes, and sat back in their seats, both of them now with their arms crossed over their chests. The other man was looking around for the waiter, and spotting him, made a tracing motion with his finger to order another round. Kaitlin had pulled the straws out of her drink and was trying to fit the tip of one into the end of the other. “Have you ever slept with someone and promised them a promotion or a raise?” she asked, not looking up. “Never,” I replied, shaking my head for emphasis even though I knew she wouldn’t see it. Kaitlin pivoted in her seat to face the other man. “So, have you ever paid for sex?” she demanded. “Uhm. Ahh.” The other man turned red and began to look around for the waiter. “Well. S-s-sort of,” he finally stammered. “Are all men like this?” Teresa exploded. “Aren't there any decent men left? My ex used to get massages. It was a long time until I figured out why.” I put my palms on the table and spread my fingers out over the tablecloth. “You asked a question, I answered honestly.” The waiter had returned with a tray full of drinks. “Now it’s your turn. Did you ever cheat on your husband? Be honest, now.” The facilitator looked sharply at me, her face ashen. “Never,” Teresa said with more than a trace of smug superiority. “Never kissed another man?” “Of course, but that is not cheating.” The waiter hesitated slightly, and then continued to distribute the drinks. He put the tray down, and slowly and carefully began to collect the old glasses and wipe the table. “Did you ever kiss another man with intent?” “’Intent’? What do you mean, ‘intent’?” I downed the last of my Remy and handed the empty glass to the waiter. “Intent to excite physical passion.” Teresa hesitated. “I’m…I’m not sure.” “Has another man ever touched you in a sexual manner, not intercourse, just in a sexual manner?” “I did not do anything like that.” Teresa had found her footing again. “Never? I find it hard to believe that you have never been confronted with a sexual situation outside of your primary relationship.” The facilitator tried to speak again, stopped, and buried her head in her hands. Janet, who had been in the middle of another sip of her drink, hummed an assent as she swallowed. “I faced that once. We were all but naked. Except I could not go through with it. I stopped, and fortunately, he accepted the situation with good grace.” The waiter had run out of things to do at the table, and seemed to be idly flipping through his notebook. I paused and looked at him, and he self-consciously collected his tray and wandered away. I turned back to Janet. “Did you ever discuss this with your Significant Other?” “No. I couldn't.” “Why did you stop?” I glanced over at Kaitlin, who was still fiddling with the straws. “I don't know. I wanted it very much. But I could not go through with it. I just could not take the last step. I was actually crying with frustration.” Janet shook her head at the memory. “I think that is why my friend took it so well, because of the crying, that is.” “I had an affair.” Kaitlin had come back to life, and everyone looked at her. “My ex was having one. I was lonely. I missed sex, and I missed feeling good after sex even more. It was fun in the beginning, but it quickly became just another chore. I think it lasted all of three weeks. But I could have stopped before it started, if I had wanted to, and almost did. So I know what you mean.” Kaitlin pulled the straws from her new drink and began inserting them into the others. “So, wise guy,” she said, eyeing me sardonically. “Did you ever have an affair?” “No. I have dated two women at the same time. But not an ‘affair’.” “Semantics. Two women at the same time is having an affair.” Teresa seemed pleased with her role as the moral arbiter of the group. I took a sip of Remy and made a face. “I don't feel that way. I was not in a committed relationship, so it can’t be an affair.” “Did you ever touch a woman with intent?” Teresa leaned on her forearms to bore in on me. “Guilty. But nothing became of it. A little bit of flirting that got out of hand.” “So when does it become an affair? When it is it just flirting?” I sighed, thought for a moment, and then answered. “I’m not sure. But I would think that any oral/genital contact, penetration, or even mutual masturbation would qualify as an affair. A little touching and kissing would not cross the line. But others may disagree.” I looked over at Janet, but it was Teresa who spoke instead. “Would hookers count?” “Of course. Why do you even ask? Is a hooker somehow easier to take than an affair with the next door neighbor?” “I thought you would say it doesn’t count.” Teresa looked disappointed. “I think an affair is worse.” Janet had finished most of her drink and looked relaxed for the first time since the evening had started. “To know that my man was spending emotional energy on another person would be harder for me to tolerate. A hooker is money, and an affair is emotions. I think that is a big difference.” She poked at the ice in her glass with a straw, trying to tease out more liquid. Teresa waved her hand dismissively. “It doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating…period. Besides,” she said, turning to me, “Hookers have diseases. How can you risk it?” “Safe sex. Without exception. In fact…” I paused, considered what I was going to say for a moment, then continued. “I think girlfriends are a bigger risk, as one is tempted to engage in risky behavior – sex without condoms.” The rest of the group fell silent as they considered this point of view. The facilitator, seeing an opening, tried to revive an earlier conversation during dinner about the war in Iraq, but Teresa interrupted as if she wasn’t there. “Do you like hookers because you can get anal sex?” The other man at the table grinned happily, looking back and forth between Teresa and me. I inhaled deeply from the snifter before answering. “Sorry to disappoint you, but hookers are no different than regular folks. Some do it, many don't. But there is something liberating about not having to worry about your lover. One can concentrate on one’s own pleasure. One does not have to worry if she will respect you in the morning or think you are a pervert. With a lover, it is sometimes difficult to get to that level of intimacy and acceptance…at least for me. It seems odd, but one can be liberated with a hooker instantly in a way that takes great amount of time with a lover.” Teresa was looking at me skeptically, and her arms remained folded across her chest. “Is that a nice way to say ‘yes’?” I sipped cognac. “Alright. Yes, I have had anal sex with hookers. I have, for the record, had anal sex with several different lovers over the years. It is not something that I demand. But if the woman enjoys it, and I can pleasure her in that way, I will.” “It is never pleasurable to a woman. That’s a male fantasy perpetuated by pornography.” I glanced around the table. “Anyone else care to comment?” There was another pause and another chance to redirect the conversation, but the facilitator had finally given up, and there was only silence. Janet cleared her throat. “I tried it with my ex. It did not go so well. He was too big.” “Apparently that is not one of my failings,” I said ruefully. All eyes at the table turned towards Kaitlin. She was slouching again and picking at the end of one of the straws. “Well, it can be fun, but only with someone that I trust and love deeply. I can enjoy that.”. “I don't believe it,” Teresa huffed, and took refuge in her drink. “Well, I’m not Wilt Chamberlain, but I have had lovers that really enjoyed anal sex.” I glanced at the facilitator, who was ignoring the conversation now, leaning back and looking at something on the ceiling “They are a minority, but they do exist,” I added. Teresa wasn’t buying it. “You just said you aren’t an expert. How do you know they enjoyed it?” “They said so. Have you ever tried it?” “Never,” Teresa said. The smug tone had reappeared. “You might try something before knocking it.” Teresa gave me what she hoped was a withering look. “I know enough to know that is not something that I would like.” In spite of the mellowing effects of the cognac, I found myself increasingly irritated with Teresa. “Good. A woman should know her limits.” And with this last, the conversation faltered. As if on cue, the waiter approached the table and dropped off a leather booklet with the check; the facilitator caught it on the first bounce. Everyone took the hint and stood to leave. As they gathered up their coats, Kaitlin edged her way over to me. “That was the most fun I have ever had at one of these events.” I looked at her with surprise, and renewed optimism, but then she continued: “At first I thought you were a jerk. Now I don’t think you are a jerk anymore. I might not want to date you, but you do know how to keep a conversation interesting.” For the first time all evening, I found myself at a loss for words. Kaitlin had been a possibility; this was indeed a shame. Everyone shook hands and said goodbye and thanked each other for the pleasant evening. Then the facilitator drew me aside and offered to refund my money, suggesting that I not contact the agency again. I decided not to tell her that this would be easy, since I did not contact them in the first place. I repaired to the restroom for much-needed relief. As I stood waiting for my bladder to empty, I mentally replayed the conversation with Teresa. The moral of the story, I decided, was this: Women demand honesty from a man because they associate honesty with respect; not because they want to talk about strippers, hookers, and anal sex at the dinner table. I shook myself dry and washed my hands. I wondered how I would explain the evening to my friends, and hoped that they would get their money back. Pushing my way through the bathroom door, I turned and headed towards the lobby. Teresa was standing there, holding her coat. She looked at me for a few moments, and I looked at her, and she didn’t look away. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-06T09:18:03-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1157378129.html My Excellent Adventure with "Table for Six" text 80' Sea Serpent Dragon http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1150010416.html We are selling our 80 foot sea serpent. Potential Uses This large art construction/installation could be easily assembled to fit many spaces or projects. The serpent has a manually animated head and spews smoke from its nostrils (safe for indoor use). It would be perfect for a Burning Man project. It would make a great addition to a prop warehouse for theater or film. It would create an awesome atmosphere for nightclubs, concerts (imagine your Metal band with an 80’ serpent spewing smoke), raves, festivals or other music events. This dragon would be fabulous in a Renaissance fair, or other public festival. The head could go into a miniature golf course or other outdoor family attraction. It would be a killer addition to someone’s art space or private residence. This dragon / sea serpent would really make someone’s space or event. Quality of Build The serpent was designed to last in a parade on the bay. Its construction is durable and weather resistant. The Head The head has a wood and chicken wire armature. The head frame is built out of 1x2 pine boards. Two 24-inch eye-bolts are connected to the wood frame. Two lines of cable or rope connected to these bolts can control the height as well as tilt of the head. The skin of the head is fiberglass coated in exterior grade house paint. It is light and strong, and durable in indoor or outdoor environments. The Body The body hangs from a 100’ backbone of plastic gas piping. 3’ diameter sonotubes form ribs which are reinforced by PVC piping. The ribs are connected to the backbone using simpson straps and hose clamps. This creates skeleton that is rigid when fixed, but flexible to create complex curves during assembly. The skin of the body is formed with over 250 2’ by 1’ fiberboard scales, screwed into the sonotube ribs. Each scale is painted using exterior grade house paint, and has metallic gold highlights. The belly of the beast is covered in a canvas skin. Animation The neck of the serpent is flexible even after assembly and allows for vertical and horizontal movement of the head. The construction allows for vigorous movement within an over 90 degree arc. The tail section is also flexible and can be animated. Some of the Material Components Fiberglass (5 gallons of epoxy, and 100 square feet of fibermat) 15 1x2 8’ lengths of pine 50 square feet of chicken wire 7 gallons of exterior grade house paint 100 feet of plastic gas pipe 50+ 8’ lengths of pvc pipe 20 8’x4’ fiberboard sheets 40+ 3’ diameter sonotube ribs 50 square feet of canvas 7+ lbs of screws 50+ simpson straps 120+ hose clamps 1 Fog machine All totaled there are approximately $3000 worth of materials in the serpent. History of Serpent The serpent was constructed for the 2009 P.I.C.Y.A. opening day parade. It was built by a team of 7 artists and builders over a four week period. The components were constructed off site and assembled on the boat for the parade. A lot of hard work and love went into its construction and it won first place in its category. The serpent currently lives in the Emeryville marina. We are currently accepting offers for the serpent. Our first priority is that the serpent finds a good home where it will get use. If you have a space or event you think could benefit from an 80 foot sea serpent, please contact us with a description of your event and make an offer. Via email or phone 415.424.5682 More photos of the serpent and its construction can be found on flickr <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/35386430@N06/sets/72157617471502463/">http://www.flickr.com/photos/35386430@N06/sets/72157617471502463/</a> <img src="1150010416.jpg"> <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-01T16:46:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1150010416.html 80' Sea Serpent Dragon text Relationship Assistance - Part Time http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1144016783.html Super busy affluent SF Arts/ Entrepreneur who travels a lot for work needs part time help finding a girlfriend/LTR. I figured that someone out there must have the skills and time to do this for me, like hiring a recruiter to help find the right employee. This is a project that might take a month or two. The pay would be $30 an hour up to $5000 with a bonus if we succeed. I am a 50 something year old fit, smart, attractive, cultured, extrovert, humorous, white guy married once no kids. And I am a quasi high profile SF person with full a biography and photos online i.e. not some closet weirdo. I’m looking for a youthful super smart stylish creative urban woman who lives in SF for LTR. That seems pretty straightforward. The job would involve finding and interviewing 5- 10 women online and in person (I am picky visually). It would take a couple months I assume. If you are interested in this job, please send me a note and let me know why you would be good at it, why I should trust you, and how you would go about it. Confidentiality and discretion on all levels is a priority. I’ve never done this before, and I am neither patient nor experienced with online dating. You need to be SF based, college educated, smart and street savvy, with a highly organized nature, great sense of humor, refined taste and an especially good eye. You can send me a resume if you want, but this is not essential. <ul> <li> Compensation: $30 per hour plus bonus <li> This is a part-time job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-28T07:43:48-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1144016783.html Relationship Assistance - Part Time text NEED TO GET RID OF MY CASH http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1135848167.html I just moved and sold a whole bunch of stuff, which has been very satisfying, except that now I've got all this cash. Mostly twenties, except for a few fives and a couple ones. I assume the money originated in ATM machines, just because of the preponderance of twenties which I've received in bulk (in envelopes mostly, though one stack in exchange for my washer/dryer was paper clipped) though I couldn't tell you which ones came together anymore. There is one "classic" twenty dating from 1993, softly worn over Jackson's face, creating a boyish, worried look as though someone told him he was no longer going to be printed on the bill because he had done something wrong (as an April Fools). There are 7 "white" twenties (still equivalent to $20): 3 from 1996, 2 from 1999, and 2 from 2001. There are 47 contemporary twenties, which is over $900. The fives and ones are unexceptional, except that they are worth money. The items can be used for all sorts of things: buying food or clothing in stores, snorting cocaine, acquiring cocaine, stretching leather, exercising willpower, bribing, hushing, during sex or for sex (I have not done this though I don't know what the buyers of my belongings did, I didn't ask, though they seemed like normal type people, but who knows...), tipping and/or looking rich, and more! I am willing to separate the bills. If you're looking for a little bit more, I could potentially get some, though I am running low on things I'm willing to sell. The cash is AS IS; I assume it's authentic because I already took it from someone else, but I haven't taken it to a bank. Some bills are worn more than others, most are in good shape. They smell ok and appear clean. I'm not a money collector (obviously) so there may be some finds! What I am looking for: a used dish rack (I don't want a new one because I know someone else must be getting rid of one that's still perfectly good), preferably white, with a matching mat a used drawer organizer for silverware (ditto), not plastic, no color preference an old telephone, I'm picturing 70's-80's era, red mismatched country-style kitchen chairs a wooden desk, preferably the color of the table that the cash is on (see pics) good music (vinyl or CDs), especially Smashing Pumpkins Siamese Dream or Camera Obscura's My Maudlin Career a wooden rocking chair, not too wide in the seat house plants, bigger a really cool beaded curtain, preferably wood something that I don't know that I want I don't do drugs, sorry, but thanks for thinking of me <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-22T22:34:25-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1135848167.html NEED TO GET RID OF MY CASH text 16th Mission Bart Crackhead w/ Forehead Tattoo - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1122575774.html It was a Friday, April 3rd to be exact. I was celebrating my 21st birthday with a female whom I had spent the entire day with. We had just seen a film about a German immigrant who used play writing as a form of dissent during the red scare. After viewing, we made our way to 16th mission bart station to determine our plans from there. This is when you came into my life good sir. You approached me from across the street, ignoring on coming traffic, and made a very bold statement to my lady friend. I think it went something like, "You should fuck him all night long." After making this statement, you continued walking on to where ever your original destination might have been. Aside from the verbal assault you launched, I feel like we had a real connection. I don't know if you have computer access, or if you have ever used one. Maybe you'll find your way into a mac store and use one of their computers. We should meet up and not bathe or something. I might even consider getting a tattoo in a ridiculous place to match yours. The point is, I would really like to get to know you man. Hit me up. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-14T15:34:22-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1122575774.html 16th Mission Bart Crackhead w/ Forehead Tattoo - m4m text Ass for Cash http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1119571563.html Can't afford to take care of Donkey anymore. He's in good health, very friendly and only mildly stinky. It is expensive to care for him though. I am selling him for 500 bucks (Got him for 2,000). Totally worth it. You pick him up. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-12T21:28:11-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1119571563.html Ass for Cash text Crazy lady at safeway checkstand yelling about candied yams - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1112390633.html I was in line at Safeway today and you were a few checkstands over screaming for someone to help you find candied yams. I don't even know what the hell they are, but I was definitely turned on. You: 50's, or 60's, crazy as shit and apparently really likes yams. You settled on fresh ones when you realized the store didn't carry them. I wanted to go pretend to look at onions and stare at you while you picked out a choice yam, but I was too busy. Maybe we can get together some time and candify them, I'll bring the sugar. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-07T21:53:56-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1112390633.html Crazy lady at safeway checkstand yelling about candied yams - m4w text Dear Christians http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1104940994.html In the following argument of nine premises, I will aim to convince you that Jesus of Nazareth was a fictional character, and not a real person. I do not intend to sway the beliefs of many of you, nor even budge them - I know this to be an impossibility, for if the religious mind is well-trained at anything, it is circumventing rational argument. I only intend to sew seeds of doubt, in the hopes that perhaps some of you will nurture them and let them grow. Here goes. 1. Much, if not most, of the Bible is arguably fiction. Quit being so intellectually dishonest, Christians - this is the twenty-first century. That means the burden of proof is on YOU. If you make a claim about the universe, it is up to you to prove it is true, not the other way around. It is not up to us, the rest of the world, to prove your claims false - that is not scientific thinking, that is anti-scientific thinking. Because I am a man of my times, and believe in correcting ignorance, what I am doing here is out of courtesy to YOU, just as if I were to argue publicly that there is a Flying Spaghetti Monster orbiting Venus preparing to blow up Planet Earth, one of you would probably, out of simple human decency attempt to correct me and point me towards the truth. This is my way of doing that. Now, back to the Bible being fiction... that part's easy. Find me a snake with vocal chords, water that is dense enough for a human being to walk on, or a chemical process that converts complex carbohydrates to fish. Until then, you're out of luck, sucker. The evidence wins, and the evidence sides with me. These are invented stories... fictional dramas meant to impart some moral lesson. They are not real. 2. Following point two: from an objective, scrutinizing view, there is no reason to believe one story in the Bible over another. We cannot honestly engage shades of truth here - either the books in the Bible are historically true or they are not. Since they almost ubiquitously contain material to make the scientific person skeptical, we can chance to say the same is true of the entire book: either it happened, or it didn't. Therefore, it is no less plausible to disbelieve the Jesus myth than the myth about Enoch the nine-hundred year old man or the creation myth wherein God pats the first humans out of clay. Here's a hint: humans, like all other complex organisms, reached their present condition by millions of years of natural selection through the self-preservation of certain greedy genes. We can observe this happening today; anti-biotic resistant bacteria are a good example. Plus, we've mapped the human genome - we know our ancestry, and it's simian. Even Pope John Paul II said evolution is a historical fact. People did not come from clay. 3. By definition, intellect, or "reason" is the ability to revise one's beliefs in light of better argumentation. Taking simple, empirical data from the the world around you should make it easy to determine that the physical laws of the universe DO NOT CHANGE. It therefore stands to reason that "miracles" can only possible be one of two phenomena: A, an outside agent actually interfering with the laws of the universe; or B, hyperbolized coincidences. Considering the Bible was written in a time when allegory was the most common form of journalistic reporting and most people still believed spitting on a wound was an appropriate way to cure it, it is far more reasonable to assume the latter. *Side note: Seriously Hoss, let me clue you in on something: things that are impossible to do now - like walking on water, resuscitation after days of biological death, and wine magically turning into blood - were just as impossible 2,000 years ago. There's a much greater power in the universe than "belief." It's called "observation." 4. To believe these stories, you must create strange rationalizations that do not hold up to true intellectual scrutiny. This brings us to the issue of honesty. Without deluding yourself, can you honestly answer the following questions? Such as, why doesn't God heal amputees? He heals everyone else miraculously, right? But neither you nor I have ever seen an amputee grow back a leg. Oh wait, God has a special plan for them. But isn't he supposed to be loving and just? What's with the discrimination, man? Or how about Jonah surviving in the belly of that whale? Wouldn't he be partially digested after three days? Maybe Baby Balooga had a slow metabolism? 5. Following four, and this one is my favorite: if Jesus is the one true messiah, the only God, whom you shall hath no other gods before him, yada yada, how come so many gods DID come before him having nearly identical biographies? There are no less than two dozen god-men of the ancient Mediterranean whose birth was heralded by a bright star in the East (Sirius, for those who don't practice astronomy), who were also adored by wise men, walked on water, fed the hungry, resurrected the dead, were crucified and rose again, etc. Many even had the same birthday as Jesus - December 25th! Not coincidentally, this was the Roman Holiday of Saturnalia centuries before the clergy decided to call it Jesus' birthday. Surprise! Christians plagiarized earlier religions. I cannot spell it out any clearer than that. Knowing that, how can one believe anything Christian doctrine teaches? How do you even begin to separate what was invented from what was borrowed? You don't. The cold, hard truth is, it was an old story then, and it's an old story now. These messianic archetypes - the man that is god, the man who conquers death - existed long, long before Jesus came around. They were old news when soap was a cutting-edge technology, before written language was even invented. They are ancient fucking history. Jesus was not the antitype of these messianic figures, he was their distillation. 7. Following point 6. If you are skeptical of this information (and you should be, as doubt is the seed of all knowing), investigate the matter for yourself. One hugely recurring problem I find when debating with Christians is that they either know very little about other religions or are ignorant of their existence entirely. This is counter-intuitive to me, and perhaps my own fault in failing to understand the religious mind. Shouldn't it be fairly crucial to make the most educated decision in choosing a religion, if practicing the "right" one is important to you? For example, you wouldn't want to choose a religion based on plagiarism, would you? Or one that literally absorbed every earlier belief system it encountered through endless politicizing or the diplomacy of the sword? Well, better crack those books then - there's a whole heap of gods who fit the Christ mold long before Christ. I suggest you begin by researching Mithra of Rome, Attis of Frigia, Dionysis of Greece, Krishna of India, and Horus of Egypt. The last should be of particular interest to you, as his mythology is almost an exact carbon copy of Jesus', right down to the twelve apostles and three-day rebound time after being murdered by jealous clergy. Though, I should point out that Horus was worshipped nearly 1000 years BEFORE Christianity began spreading through the Hebrew-populated Roman colonies. This should come as no surprise to you, as it's written right in the bible that the Hebrews came out of Egypt. 8. On a more serious note. Western civilization may have been "built" on Judeo-Christian values (at least the "don't kill" and "don't steal" parts), but we have become a modern society and have adopted the scientific way of thinking. While the aforementioned values have indisputable merits, maintaining the dogma in its entirety is no longer necessary, especially when we consider the violence and segregation it has caused throughout the ages. Furthermore, philosophically speaking, Christian ethics are severely outdated. Since the Enlightenment, the Western World has seen far superior ethicists to Jesus of Nazareth. Kant and Mill, for example, created life-affirming ethical systems that can be applied to a wider range of people without destroying their culture or beliefs about where the universe came from and what kind of sex they should consider perverse. Truly, there is no reason to cling to the old way any longer. We have adopted science and reason in every other aspect of our lives... yet somehow we have retained Bronze Age ethics? It makes no sense. Why should we continue to believe it is better to be tribalists than to be humanists? This mentality is not compatible with a just, egalitarian society. Besides, Jesus may tell us to love one another, but he also says we should maintain the Old Testament in its entirety - no cherry-picking - which means we technically must condone rape, incest, slavery, and genocide (!). If we can do away with these parts (and we have), why not do away with the whole thing? 9. In the grand scheme of things, it would be generally permissible for one to believe in Christian ethics if it were readily understood that Jesus was not a historical person, and the story is allegory. However, if you are a Christian, you probably do believe that Jesus was a real human being. This is a threat to both the advancement of science and the absolution of religious conflict in the world, two issues that are paramount to our survival as a species as our planet nears carrying capacity and is dangerously on the brink of overheating. It creates too slippery a slope for other theocratic nonsense to take hold; for example, tthe mindset that human beings can literally live after death (how many soldiers would we send to die if everyone believed this is the only life?); or that preserving the existence of cell clusters which bear no conceivable human traits is somehow a better aim than alleviating actual human suffering; or that sex is harmful, but killing, bigotry, and total obedience to clandestine authority are healthy practices; or that blood sacrifice is a value modern societies should endorse. But Jesus WAS a real person, you say! There's a plethora of evidence! No, not really, outside of the gospels. And those hardly count as "evidence." They are secondary sources at best. Here's why: if a historical Jesus really lived and died between 0 and 33 CE, then we know beyond a doubt that at least forty years passed before the earliest gospel - the one written by Mark - was scribed. Because the aforementioned gospel discusses the destruction of Solomon's temple, we know it was written in or sometime after 70 CE. Given the lifespan of the period, that means the author or authors were at best infants or young children when Jesus of Nazareth was supposed to have been crucified. Moreover, the gospel writers are not themselves mentioned in the gospels, and they make no claim to actually having met Jesus. None of the apostles who walked with Jesus nor anyone who even met him wrote accounts to that effect. Granted, there are certain mentions of a "Christ" in the writings of Mediterranean historians from that period (not Justin Martyr or Pontius Pilate - sorry, but those are proven forgeries). However, if are a serious Christian, these should be of little consideration to you, as you know "the Christ" is really a title that simply means "the Anointed," and was taken up by many rabbis of that time. In not ONE of these documents is a man named Jesus, or Yeshua of Nazareth mentioned. In conclusion, the gospels which discuss the life of Jesus of Nazareth are at best hearsay, almost certainly hyperbolized, and at worst complete fabrications. What we can determine beyond a doubt is that for at least four decades after his death, everyone in the world, including his sworn followers and students, simply forgot their messiah existed. If that doesn't cast on you a serious shade of doubt, then nothing will, and perhaps I'm not "the fool". - A <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-03T05:02:53-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1104940994.html Dear Christians text To the Women of Craigslist Personals, some tips. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1101669222.html Hello everybody (though mainly the women for whom this is addressed). My name is Mike, and I hope you enjoy the read. I've been browsing Craigslist's personals section for a few months now, not particularly because I've been searching for somebody, but because it gives me something to do and read in my spare time. I've noticed some things over this period of time, and I would like to share it with you. Perhaps my advice will help some of you ladies find matches, but maybe not. Either way, it couldn't hurt. 1. Proper English. Capitalizing the first word in your sentence, the letter I, using punctuation and so forth properly, etc. These are all very important. Spelling and grammar are important too. English is a standardized language with specific spellings of words for a reason. It makes communication between people easier if everybody's speaking (or, in Craigslist's case, typing) in the same language. Substituting numbers for letters (2 for "to" or "too", 4 for "for", etc), capitalizing entire sentences (KIND OF LIKE THIS), and so forth are not proper English. Starting sentences with the word "and" (among some others) is not proper English. If you don't know how to spell very well (and let's face it, some people just don't), that's not a problem, because most modern web browsers (though I can't speak for Internet Explorer, I know Firefox does) have spell-checking functions. Kind of like Microsoft Word or OpenOffice. The browser will underline misspelled words in red and you can then right-click them and select the word you meant to type. It's pretty nifty and it keeps you from looking like a fool when typing out your 'ad' as it were. Formatting is also important (though I will admit, not as much so), because reading an ad that is just a huge wall of text is often intimidating and prohibitive. When I open an ad and it's a huge chunk of text with no breaks in it, I often just click the 'back' button on my browser and read other ads instead. 2. Get us interested in your ad. Titles like "Looking for fun", while in the mind of most men can be interpreted in a provocative manner, are generally boring and generic. What's there to get us interested in you vs. the ten or twenty other ads for people that are "Looking for fun", hmm? Some titles do a good job of not being generic, such as one that I've just seen that reads "Hot coffee" or another that reads "My laundry list...". They give no insight to what the person might be like, but grab my attention against the sea of people "looking for someone". A good one that I've just seen reads "I am ridiculously silly, first off". That, right away, gives me a little bit of insight as to what that person might be like and also made me open their ad to find out where they are going with this topic. That leads us to our next point... 3. Give us an idea of your personality, but don't be long-winded about it. I would love to know what you like to do in your spare time, but if I open an ad and it's a ten page essay on your life, I'm going to click the 'back' button on my browser and read other ads instead. What you need to do is come up with a quick hook for the title and continue that thought for a line or two inside the ad, then give us a basic rundown on who you are. What are two or three of your hobbies, do you prefer going out and partying or curling up on a blanket on the couch, stuff like that. When I get done reading and ad and I go to send you an e-mail, I should already have a decent idea of what you're like. This helps me avoid saying something you might find stupid or crass and helps me determine what you're after. If you say you're more of a partying person, I am going to assume that you're outgoing and social, whereas if you say you like to read books and listen to classical music (pardon the stereotype, please), I am going to assume that you will greater appreciate more eloquent use of language and probably be more into intimacy. Intimacy not in the sense of sexual relations so much as one-on-one socializing vs. group socializing. Just to clear that up. 4. Please, do not say you like both one thing and it's complete opposite. Saying you like to both be at home and out partying gives us no insight to who you are and what you like. All that does is prove to us that you still obey the laws of physics and don't have control over quantum mechanics. While that's something that I find comforting about people (their lack of control over quantum mechanics, that is), it's also something I take for granted, so proving that in your post does me and everybody else no good. Now, if you actually DO have control of quantum mechanics and the laws of physics, this is something I'd like to know, so I can avoid angering you, and so I can write a scientific paper on it. 5. Saying you like one thing and it's complete opposite is acceptable, though. As long as you specify which one you like doing more. You can like two opposite things and it not be mutually exclusive. If you like doing both equally, feel free to state so. It just so happens, though, that the way most people word it is that they like doing both simultaneously, which is the reason for me having written out point #4. 6. Do what you say you will. A few times, admittedly, I have sent e-mail responses to ads that said something to the extent of "pic for pic". That means, for the uneducated, that essentially, the poster will send you a picture of themselves if you send them a picture of yourself. I've done this three times, if I recall correctly. Not once have I received a response. I can and will admit -- I'm not the most attractive guy on the earth, I'm kind of large, and so forth, but it's common decency (or so we thought it was common, anyways) to follow through with what you say you will do. Even if you send back an e-mail with a picture of yourself and the body reads something to the extent of "I am not interested", or hell, even just the latter sans picture, it's far more considerate than not replying at all. 7. On the note of pictures, post one of yourself if you're going to post any. Posting a funny image or whatnot as your "picture" is misleading. Posting stock photos of somebody holding hands or whatnot is lame. and posting a picture of you waaaaay off in the distance at a beach or something, facing away, is misleading. the little yellow text that says "pic" next to the ad usually leads us to believe that there is a good picture of you inside. Good doesn't so much refer to anything other than we can clearly see and make out your face and it's features, and we get a good idea of your body build and so forth. This isn't so important to some people, but if you're going to put in the effort, you may as well put in 100%. 8. Tell us about children/former marriages, etc in the posting. Some guys are okay with kids, some guys aren't, and some of us are indifferent. The fact of the matter is, if you get the kind that doesn't like kids and you tell him about it later, chances are he'll be pissed. We guys like to know these kinds of things up front. 9. Tell us your age. This is pretty damn important. You can probably figure out why. 10. Last, but not least, Don't say you're not picky... just after listing specifications for your man. Saying "I want a caucasian man between 5'7" and 6'1", between 175 and 220lbs, with brown hair... but I'm not picky" is counter-intuitive. The entire point of these posts is to be intuitive. Either you aren't picky or you are, but you can't be both. So pick one and roll with it. If you younger ladies want examples of how it should be done, look at most of the 40+ year old ladies posts. They're generally short, informative, include a good picture of their face (and sometimes body too), are properly written in good English and you know what they are and what they want. You can, after reading one of their posts, make informed decisions when e-mailing them. So there you have it. My guide/rant on how to be polite and get more guys interested in you, or at least ones that will be better for you. I'm willing to bet all this falls on deaf ears, though. I hope you enjoyed the read, even if you younger ladies don't change how you compose your posts after this. -Mike <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-03-31T20:45:46-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1101669222.html To the Women of Craigslist Personals, some tips. text The 1st Annual Rants N' Raves Picnic http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1055067742.html Here's an idea: how about we all meet in a park for a picnic? All the rants and ravers face-to-face with hot dogs and potato salad. Wouldn't that be fun? And so that we could identify one another, here are some guidelines for coming: All the Christians bring Bibles: but they should be the really big ones, like a family Bible, so that we can all see how big the Bible is in your life. All the non-Christians wear black. Fat haters: print out your collection of obese women and pin them all over your clothes so we will immediately know how you feel on the inside. Also, be sure to bring your size-6 girlfriends and wives. Men who love to post pictures of nudes: come in a g-string or thong. Or just let your penis stick out of your pants if you don't have a g-string or thong. Martyrs and victims: bring a really big life-size cross and don't ever put it down. Not even when you want to put relish and mustard on your hot dog. Get someone else to do that for you. Conservatives and liberals: wear all white. Don't worry if we can't tell you apart because you're really not all that different, and white shows how perfect you are. Bush/Iraq war supporters: bring pictures of your children in their uniforms or even better, their pictures from Iraq. Or, bring that flag folded into a triangle shape that you received in their honor. If you don't have children, wear your uniform or fatigues if you are just on leave. Hummer/SUV drivers: bring pictures of your last off road experience in your car. Also, bring us back our ozone. All the San Francisco haters: bring your suitcase cause we're going to take a collection and buy you tickets to leave. People who love San Francisco: bring roses. All of you who hate people of other races: don't bring anything. Just wear your really cool white outfit with the matching pointy hat. The guys who hate homosexuals: bring your collection of gay porn, copies of M4M ads and collection of show tunes so that we can have some music. Women haters: bring the beer. Everyone who likes to post pictures of your cats: bring your cats. Duh! Pit bull owners: bring your pit bulls! Be sure to sit in the section with the cat owners and prove to everyone how your dog wouldn't hurt a living soul. Women who post pictures of their breasts and thong-clad butts: stay home. Your need for male attention is really annoying. We will recognize the guy who says to only marry foreign women. He will be the one with a woman following a couple steps behind him. Or maybe it will be two or three women. Everyone: remember to wear sunglasses. The world outside your basement is awfully bright. Bring sunscreen. It'll be great to see everyone in person! I'll bring a first aid kit. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-02-28T20:56:12-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1055067742.html The 1st Annual Rants N' Raves Picnic text Why Your Car Isn't Selling -- Econ 101 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1050312023.html It's pretty obvious which car owners wear rose-colored sunglasses and frolic with unicorns all day. The prices you're asking for your cars are ridiculous. Since you haven't felt the invisible hand of the market, allow me to deliver the pimp slap of common sense. 1) Look at Kelley Blue Book. Start there and get an idea of what to expect for your car. If you're asking over $10,000 for a car that tops out at $8,500 value, you are a retard. The only people who would pay that price are fellow retards, and guess what? Most of them can't use the internet. You're one of the lucky few. Quit while you're ahead. 2) List some basic information about the car. How many miles does the car have? Manual or auto? What year is it? What options does it have? Clean title or salvage? Do you have all the records? This is important, relevant information. "Prelude for sale" is not self-explanatory, dumbfuck. 3) Put up pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words. Put up a photo and give a little taste of what the car looks like. There's nothing I enjoy more than driving 40 miles to see the "immaculate" car with cigarette burns all over the interior. Be upfront. In fact, that's a good one too. 4) Be upfront. I'm about to hand you several thousands of dollars. Do you really think I won't be thorough and check out/test drive the car? Yes, I'm going to notice that the engine shudders, or it pulls to the left, or it has a peculiar smell. Be honest about it. Don't be a jerk. 5) Learn to read the market. This is a recession. Your car has been up on CL at the same price for 3 months. LOWER THE PRICE! 6) Don't use so many keywords. I've searched for "BMW M3" and gotten a Geo Storm result by some guy that doesn't know how to use keywords properly. Those cars do not cater to the same type of person! Let it go. 7) Learn what "OBO" means. "OBO" literally means "or best offer." If you aren't taking the best offer, don't use the phrase. Simple as that. I don't see what's so hard about this. You have a car and you want cash. I have cash and I want a car. Let's make this work. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-02-25T12:11:20-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1050312023.html Why Your Car Isn't Selling -- Econ 101 text Latrine Style room http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1036298838.html Luxurious, high end, beautiful, sumptuous - that's how others have described our bathroom. And that is what you would be living in - an untra high end room that's 20x24 and happens to have extremely high end fixtures in it! The sinks are designed to look like long latrines - so is the tub. It's very World War 1 French Country but with extremely ultra modern light Henri Bendelish soft glow fixtures. Sounds kinda schizophrenic, but it was in vogue when the designer picked it. Built at the peak of the dot com era, we thought we would be able to use the bathroom for what it was - a place to bathe and defecate and primp and soothe. But with the economy being what it is, we must rent it out. The floor space in the middle is huge - 12x15 and you can sprawl out any way you wish! The only thing is we require that you remove all your stuff every morning (after you bathe of course) so that we can maintain the appearance of wealth even though we don't have much money these days. We are meeting with venture capitalists and have a new technology we are trying to showcase and we bring investors over all the time and we don't want them knowing we have somebody living in our bathroom. But if you want to live on Nob Hill and have a beautiful daytime view, this is your place! PS - we aren't racist, but we do want people who fit our image and personal brand aesthetic. No bargain shoppers, manual laborers or people who look comfortable on public transportation. sacramento at taylor   <a target="_new" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+sacramento+at+taylor+san+francisco+ca+US">google map</a>   <a target="_new" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=sacramento+at+taylor&csz=san+francisco+ca&country=US">yahoo map</a><ul> <li>cats are OK - purrr <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-02-15T18:11:17-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1036298838.html Latrine Style room text You thought I was hot... till you found out I wasn't a dyke!! - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1009254448.html We were both out with our friends Saturday nite, having a good time dancing, drinking, scoping out the honeys, you know how we do! After we danced for a bit, you came right up to me with that look in your eye and I couldn't resist...we made out long enough to make the bad music worth it. You even handed your drink to your friend mid-kiss so you could focus all your energy on me! How hot is that?? Never mind that we were at Rebel Girl, the Rickshaw Stop's once-a-month Lesbian/Grrl/Dyke-centric sweaty dancehall extravanganza, and I was one of maybe twenty dudes in a whole sea of queer female hotness...never mind that you thought I was a tall, thin GIRL, and didn't realize I wasn't, until twenty minutes AFTER we were done swapping spit. (That was *hella* hot by the way...all witnesses agree you're quite gifted) I thought you were charming in spite of your inability to accurately gauge my gender. I'm sorry I ended up being male-bodied, and straight, but nonetheless I'd like to see you again. Maybe next month? I only go when my lesbian friends invite me, but they're giving you their official thumbs up. And I think your smile's lovely. So there. I was the tall blonde British lad in the button-up shirt. You were the slightly inebriated lass who knows who she is. If you'd like to try for a repeat as much as I do, by all means don't waste any time..I'd love to dance with you again. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-01-26T20:52:16-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1009254448.html You thought I was hot... till you found out I wasn't a dyke!! - m4w text Nitpicker wanted http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1003255950.html The Hair Whisperers Lice Removal service is looking for someone based in San Fransisco to remove lice and eggs from people infected with lice. Qualified candidates should have valid driver's license, great close up eyesight, feel comfortable going into people's homes, be personable, good with children, and extremely detailed oriented. Squeamish people need not apply. A good sense of humor a plus! A background check is required, and references will be checked as well. To be considered, all applicants must include where they live, and what times and days they are available. Travel is not paid for. No Weekend Only please. Driving is a large part of this job, and the longer you are willing to drive, the more you will work. Driving is unpaid. You can set your own hours, and choose when you work, but should be available at least a few hours every day. No 9-5-ers looking to start work at 6 pm, as children often go to sleep at 8. We will train qualified applicants. This is an independent contractor position. Training is in Los Angeles. Training and travel to Los Angeles is unpaid and can take anywhere from five to ten hours. This job would be for supplemental income. Great job for stay at home moms looking to make extra money. <ul> <li> Compensation: $50 an hour <li> This is a part-time job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-01-22T10:57:18-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1003255950.html Nitpicker wanted text Thoughts from a homeless guy now that I'm back on my feet http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/969985572.html I won't ramble too much. Most stories are the same. I just want to tell you what I notice now that I'm stable. -- Here's me: At age 18 I was a drug mule and got busted on my first trip. My first time, but the amount (marijuana) was enormous and I got 4 years. First two years out, I had some bad luck with roommates; got robbed so much by my own roomies I had to move out but was then immediately hit by the back-rent no one paid. No one could be located except for -- guess who -- me. -- I had the apartment's lawyers and the phone company chasing me for money. How'd you like to hire somone who has at least two garnishments you have to figure out for each paycheck? Also, would you like to lease an apartment to a guy who has an unpaid judgment from his last apartment? Don't forget the convicted felon part. So, I was homeless for about 4 years until the manager of a car dealership took a chance on me and now I am the manager of our detailing department. Okay, so what are the things that I really appreciate? -- Light switches: In a shelter, lights come on, lights come off and you have no say. The ability to control your own lighting is a big deal. -- Access to toilets: Ever hear someone mention how those 'disgusting' homeless guys pee outside? Where else should we? The search for a place to relieve yourself is a constant problem when you are on the streets. -- Weather: I don't pay much attention to weather anymore. On the streets, weather is your life. A homeless guy rummaging for newspapers only wants one section, the weather report. If you can read, and you know the weather, you will have every dude you know asking what is coming. -- Clean water: Are you impressed with the cleanliness of your average gas station restroom? How'd you like to drink from that sink? -- Not losing things: Homeless shelters are life-savers in bad weather, but they are also a guarrantee that you will lose all your stuff. Either it's stolen while you sleep, or the shelter staff told you you have to leave it outside. Secret hiding places never are. -- Night fear: You never stop being afraid of being outside at night. Think it's scary to have a breakdown at night? Someone gets mad, gets drunk or gets mean, you are going to be the first person they find. -- Internet: I am now an internet addict. I got arrested in 1997 and I barely heard of the net back then. When I got my job in 2005, I got sent to a computer class right away. When I got my own place six months ago, I went all out and got my own computer plus an internet line. It is like magic. I cannot get enough of it. -- Health Care Fear: Did you hear about that Bumfights video? It's BS! No homeless guys are going to fight. We never fight each other because everyone is afraid of getting hurt. You hear about guys who sprain their ankle and then die because they couldn't move for two weeks. Or, you hear about a guy who cuts his arm and his arm swells up the size of his leg. Little injuries kill. I was always terrified of getting hurt because of that. -- The Looks: I admit, I got used to the looks from people in the real world. I kept a pretty clean appearance but people can always tell when you are in the 7-11 just to warm up or kill time. I never minded the looks. Didn't really care, not sure why. -- Girls: I still have not solved the girlfriend riddle, but I love talking to ladies when they come pick up their car and see that we made it look like new. Seeing a woman's smile is nice. When a woman smiles AT you, its like nothing else in the world. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-26T08:07:43-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/969985572.html Thoughts from a homeless guy now that I'm back on my feet text Guinea pigsitting http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/959524784.html EDIT: I have hired my Senior Pigsitting Associate. No further applications will be considered. I'm going out of town between December 20th and January 3rd, and I need someone to take care of my guinea pig. Newton is a 4-year-old male whose hobbies include blank staring and squawking when he runs out of carrots. Although he wrote the fundamental laws of physics in his younger years, he now prefers eating carpet to advancing the understanding of natural phenomena. In spite of his catatonic stupor, Newton is super cute. Just look at this bitch: <img src="959524784.jpg"> You know you want to pet him. If you already have male guinea pigs and would like to pigsit one more, shoot me an email. I'll pay you $75 to take care of his dumb ass for two weeks, and all you have to do is keep him warm, clean, and well-fed. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: $5/day </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-15T18:16:40-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/959524784.html Guinea pigsitting text I want to have sex in a bathtub full of breakfast cereal - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/943626343.html I am looking for a kindred spirit that enjoys, sex, baths, and cereal. So why not try them all at the same time? Now, be warned… I have some very specific stipulations for this fantasy of mine: 1) The cereal must have less than 2 grams of protein per serving. That’s right, the pure sugar stuff kids eat to get roofed like junkies on speed. These can include: Fruity Pebbles Count Chocula Cookie Crisp Cocoa Pebbles Cocoa Puffs Golden Crisps Honey Smacks Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch Cap’n Crunch Apple Jacks Froot Loops Corn Pops If you have other suggestions I am more than happy to entertain them. 2) It must be 2% milk, having sex in a bathtub full of cereal is no time for moderation. Plus, I need to get my daily dose of Vitamins A and D. 3) You must be comfortable in the doggie style position. I don’t see any other way to avoid shrinkage and still let you enjoy your cereal before it becomes too mushy. 4) If you insist of photography/videography I will need to insist that I wear a Mexican wrestling mask a la Nacho Libre. 5) I plan on making this a safe encounter to please feel free to bring your own utensils. After we are finished if you feel like you need something to make you regular again, I should have some Grape-Nuts that you can nibble on. If you are serious, send me a photo, I need to make sure you can fit into the tub. <ul> <li> Location: bathtub <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-03T11:55:13-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/943626343.html I want to have sex in a bathtub full of breakfast cereal - m4w text To the wingnut who stole my Obama/Biden magnet and left a note - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/926611821.html I was really angry when I got to my car, which was minding its own business parked in the Barnes & Noble parking lot, and I saw that someone had stolen my precious Obama magnet! I waited more than 2 months for that magnet to come in the mail!! But then as I was driving home I noticed a small white paper flapping in the breeze under my windshield wiper. I pulled over to retrieve it and it was a sloppily-scribbled, psychotic expression of your wingnut political beliefs. I do not care about your paranoid mental disorder (I quote: "Are you ready to give up your freedom? It's COMING MORON!!") You stole my magnet. I want it back. I'll give you 24 hours to put it back on my scion, which will be parked there tomorrow... or I will take the scrap of Wells Fargo bank statement you wrote your wing-note on to my friend who works for Wells Fargo. She will scan the barcode on the corner of your note and tell me who you are. And I will come steal something YOU value, perhaps your fingernail clipping collection or John McCain blow-up doll! You have until sundown Thursday, douchbag! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-11-20T00:49:48-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/926611821.html To the wingnut who stole my Obama/Biden magnet and left a note - w4m text Draws and Drawers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/912206701.html File cabinets with draws, dressers with draws, desks with draws. There are ads all over Craig's List for furniture with "draws." Do you folks by any chance mean "drawers?" A drawer is a box-like thing that is housed in a piece of furniture and that rotates in and out. It's used for storage. A "draw" is many things, but it is not a "drawer." Are there really so many people who are confused about this? People in the Marina and SOMA? You don't know what a drawer is? I mean, I hate to be a stickler, but come ON. Not knowing how to spell drawer means you've never read *anything.* Not a work of classic literature, not a pulp novel, not a comic book, not a catalogue, not a magazine, not a newspaper. The word drawer is everywhere. Literature: Madame Bovary kept things in drawers. Jo March used drawers. Franny and Zooey used drawers. Portnoy used drawers. Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, and the Three Investigators all solved mysteries by striking an old desk, thereby unlatching a "secret drawer." Drawers aren't only in old literature; they are in recent, highly regarded and prize winning literature: staggering geniuses use drawers. People for whom things are illuminated use drawers. Even in current best-sellers there are drawers. According to a millisecond-long A9.com search, on page 31 of The Story of Edgar Sawtelle (#62 in Oprah's Bookclub), "...[at] odd moments she might discover Trudy rearranging the chest of drawers..." And in Extreme Measures - a Thriller (2008), on page 271, someone opens a drawer to take out a pack of Marlboros. There are many, many, maaaaany others. It's more likely than not that any work of fiction will refer to a drawer at some point within it's pages. In advertising: have you never heard of "top drawer service?" Even the newspaper is full of advertising references to Cost Plus World Market weekend deals on rattan wine bars with iron bottle-racks and MDP "utility drawers." Or Macy's blowout furniture "events" where bedroom sets include several items with drawers. Bed, Bath and Beyond sells things with drawers. Instructions for putting together IKEA furniture make references to these things called "drawers." While it's possible you are confusing drawers with "draws," those flat, pull-out trays that might be on a taboret or tool chest, that's still doesn't contradict the fact that you don't read enough to know how to accurately represent that storage-box part of the furniture you are selling. You don't recognize or spell correctly the word "drawer." Is this such a big deal? Not knowing how to spell a word? Maybe, maybe not. Though I'd perhaps be less concerned if you were having trouble spelling, say, "Czechoslovakia," or "appliqué," or even, "biscuit." Those words aren't as ubiquitous in our lives as the word "drawer." But not knowing "drawer." It says something larger. Something not good. I'm not trying to pick on anyone here. Just to say, this seems to be a disturbing trend and I hope it doesn't mean what I think it means. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-11-09T13:38:50-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/912206701.html Draws and Drawers text **** TOILET FOR TWO **** http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/909076509.html I have come to the conclusion that I must sell my TwoDaLoo, and that saddens me. I purchased this baby for my wife. Well, it was our 4 year anniversary and I really wanted to give her something special, something that I put a lot of thought into, and most importantly something we could do together. I thought what better thing to do together than to poo together. After countless hours of research I found The TwoDaLoo. The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It’s supposed to bring couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. My wife was disgusted and has since left me. I explained to her that we could be as one if we could rock a big one out together. I can’t think of a better way to end a romantic dinner out. And how cool would Taco Tuesday have been – had she been just a little more open minded. It’s just not the same when you use it alone – and the empty seat next to me just reminds me of her. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. I purchased the upgraded version; you know the one that includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station. I will provide my personal play list (should you choose to by her) – songs like “I’m Coming Out” and “You Dropped a Bomb on me” and “Love Stinks” will be just a few. I truly hope that someone can use my T for T (toilet for two) and find the happiness that I was so looking for. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-11-06T21:20:46-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/909076509.html **** TOILET FOR TWO **** text Lost: My Right To Marry http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/907556239.html I went to bed early last night and when I woke up, I discovered I'd lost my right to marry. It's pretty easy to recognize--four California Supreme Court justices spotted it several months back, although it took them a long damn time to finally find it. It's in like-new condition--I personally haven't had a chance to use it yet, and was really looking forward to the opportunity. A couple of my friends and family still have theirs, and even enjoy it so much they've used it several times. If you can find it for me, I'd really appreciate getting it back. I'm not sure, but I think the shady gang of thugs who stole it were heading for Utah or maybe Fresno, so please keep an eye out. Thanks. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-11-05T18:36:36-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/907556239.html Lost: My Right To Marry text 40 flavors Jelly Belly beans http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/904692535.html I have a sealed 17 oz box of "FORTY INDIVIDUAL FLAVORS" Jelly Belly jelly beans. This box is at least a year old, so it may be stale. (Hah! As if that's even possible -- what, with the power of modern candy preservatives.) On the one hand, I'm horrified at the idea of releasing this item of no nutritional value out into the world to inflict damage and decay upon the digestive systems (teeth included) of willingly indulgent participants. I won't even consider giving it to anyone I know. On the other hand, this has to be good for something. Even for eating (well, you'd have to convince me of that). Maybe better for not eating (you'd have to convince me you / others won't eat it, and that there are far more productive uses for these beans which you will execute). Convince me that you NEED this. ... and it's yours. (Or, convince me that you'll be a good custodian for this sealed box until you reach the breaking point and need to pass it on for the good of both your sanity and the world -- I don't want the responsibility anymore.) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-11-03T15:56:29-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/904692535.html 40 flavors Jelly Belly beans text Will Scream at your obnoxious kids in trade for light yard work. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/901965406.html Are your kids driving you crazy? Are you in need of some relief? Are you handy with an edger or some trimming shears? Let's trade! I'll bawl out your unruly tribe. In return, you can help with some light yard work. What say you? <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-11-01T12:49:47-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/901965406.html Will Scream at your obnoxious kids in trade for light yard work. text To my lovely BUS passengers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/893944547.html Greetings from your friendly bus driver! I greatly appreciate your efforts to speed things along for all of us by hopping out of your seat and striding up the aisle toward the door while we're still a block or so from your stop. However, I must point out that this actually costs us more time because when I see you in my mirror I must slow down and do everything much more slowly. Why do you think this might be? Well, the streets are full of bicycles, skateboards, escaped pets, clueless fellow drivers veering in unpredictable ways, and yes, even bus driver un-forced errors! This, in turn, means that there may well be a need to tap, or god forbid, really nail the brakes. What happens then? Well, according to the laws of Newtonian physics, you fly horizontally throughout the bus interior until you crush your skull against the farebox, or if the oncoming traffic is lucky enough to get the slide show, the inside of the windshield. Oh, you say, that won't happen to me, I have excellent balance, I'm a surfer (skateboarder, jogger, yoga buff, tightrope walker etc.); or better yet, Don't worry, I'm holding on to the handrail... heh heh heh... Well, I'll admit, this will help if I accidentally nudge the curb while pulling into the stop at 2 or 3 MPH, but if a real sudden stop is required, you will probably just rip your arm off on the way to your safety glass facial. Now there'll be blood in the aisle AND on the windshield to clean up. Do you know what happens to the driver when a passenger falls down and sustains a serious or fatal injury on the bus? Discipline? Firing? Criminal charges? No, it's than far worse than that. It's.... paperwork! And not just for me. We have to park there while every single person on the goddamn bus fills out a witness card to give their version of events. Some people take a half an hour to remember their own name. So do not be so selfish as to put us all through that. You wanna crack your skull, go do it on your own time. And if I should, in a moment of ill-advised giving-a-fucking-shit, ask you to just relax and sit tight till we pull up in about another 15 seconds, just sit the fuck down and don't start an argument with me while I am dodging a homeless guy with twigs in his beard who stumbles off the curb a few feet in front of us and stoops down to embrace the front bumper because he mistakes if a long-lost child. And another thing-- why is it that 9 out of 10 senior and/or physically disabled riders stand and walk (or attempt it) on the way to their stops? No shit, you guys are the worst offenders of all! I am not "profiling" here; you fuckers INDENTIFY YOURSELVES with Senior/Disables ID cards in order to get half fare. Some of you people can hardly stand, you can barely step onto the bus without dropping dead, you take 10 minutes to shuffle 10 feet down the aisle to get a seat. And then, half of you are on walkers, for fuck's sake, and you have to get up and lean on a device ON WHEELS while you walk forward in a forward-moving bus. "It's OK," you say, "I'm holding onto my walker." Do I even need to point out the idiocy of this? Why not just stand on a skateboard? Even you guys with serious degenerative nervous system conditions that have caused total muscle atrophy and require the use of not one but TWO canes... man, you people scare the SHIT out of me. I am just trying to get you to your destination SAFELY, can you give me a fucking break? What is the deal with the Senior and Disabled riders? Are you trying to prove that you don't need any special consideration, that you can cope with life just like any other citizen? Well if that's the case then you can SIT THE FUCK DOWN like any other citizen. I am not discriminating against you because you are clearly one tremor away from breaking your fall with your forehead. I tell all kinds of young and physically fit riders to please sit down. I don't need a demonstration of your locomotion chops. You want to tell me "Hey man, in spite of this walker I can run like a deer," that is great, I'll be very impressed. DON'T BUS-SURF. And you think this is my pet peeve? How about when I play the COMPANY-SUPLLIED recorded message to "Please keep your seats while the bus is in motion?" You think I recorded that just for you? No. The management doesn't want to do the paperwok either, let alone deal with your bullshit lawsuit... oh yeah, you could set your watch on that one. And don't even get me started on you self-centered twits on your cell phones. The whole bus does not want to hear about your yeast infection, how much you puked after the kegger ("Dude, it was SICK!"... as in really great), or what kind of lettuce you saw at the supermarket. And you special cases who get on, take a quiet piss on one of the seats, and then get off one stop later... well all I can say is fuck you. That pretty much covers it. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-10-26T07:10:33-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/893944547.html To my lovely BUS passengers text Guys without Bikes - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/886862290.html I peruse the CL MCs on the man end over here and I have to say, is there any love for a guy NOT on a bike? It's often the only identifying factor left to describe the man with whom you ladies are so smitten. "You: Red road bike with clipless pedals. Me: Cute brunette....etc." "To the guy on the yellow fixie with...." There's more. Hundreds and hundreds more. Seriously, it's not even effective anymore. There's like 500 hipster dudes out there with a yellow fixie, probably half of them on bart at any given time. If I threw a "Dudes with Yellow Fixie" party I'd probably have to rent out the Cow Palace to house them all. Your ad could turn up any one of them, although actually that probably doesn't bother you much. It seems you hardly even saw the dude, so transfixed as you were by his tats, skinny jeans, and that yellow fixie. Honestly, is this the new chick magnet? Has the red sports car of the 80's been replaced with the fixed wheel bike (not that the environment doesn't thank you)? Has the small, cute dog gone the way of the dodo for conversation starters? What will tiny, crappy dogs do if they're not getting dudes laid? Live in spoiled girls' purses only? How sad. I'm just waiting for the ad that says "You slammed into me from behind, knocking my coffee onto my boss and my laptop onto the ground which now has a cracked screen - I don't know if I'll be able to get my work off of it yet - and then you rode off kicking up gravel into my face as I sank prostrate on my knees behind you trying to recover myself. You had the most amazing red fixed-wheel bike that zipped in and out of traffic, causing a minor accident in which a woman rear-ended an elderly man who still had the reflexes to stop before hitting you. If you want to get coffee, I'd love to meet you!" I suppose I'm just hating. It's the Bay Area and that seems to be what you ladies are into. Just tell me, do I need to actually ride the bike or can I just carry it around so I can get noticed? Because I'm willing. Don't doubt it. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-10-20T15:38:18-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/886862290.html Guys without Bikes - m4w text To the tranny that blew that guy on the 49 bus last night..... - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/876086738.html ....in case you were wondering, yes, we all saw. And were horrified! You might remember the incident, huh? About 9:45pm last night, heading north. Why would I know the time, well I had to look at my cell phone to keep my eyes from looking over as you pulled his cock through his jeans and into your mouth. How could we all not notice you? You were so ugly and those boobs were so little it was just obvious. Then the guy you were with looked like Billy Bob Thorton in "Slingblade". Except even weirder looking. Quite a pair. So thanks for hopping on that very crowded bus, sitting 2 feet from me and making out with the goofy looking guy. That was odd, but no big deal. But when I looked over and your head was in his lap I was like -- "Are you fucking kidding me, you are now going to blow him?". I thought it was hilarious that all those Mexican guys sitting right next to you said and did nada. I almost moved away but could not stop looking over. I kept thinking that this is going to make a good Craigslist "missed connection" and maybe a "best of". The weird part is that the guy was staring at me with this serial killer look the whole time you were servicing him which was a little creepy. Like the whole fucking thing wasn't totally creepy. So much like a human in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" I kept scanning around looking to see if anyone else was registering this. I kept locking eyes with the young punk rock girl across from me. Her boyfriend was being oblivious but she kept looking at me, rolling her eyes and giggling. As they reached that climactic moment she was uncontrollably laughing out loud and it really helped me keep my sanity. To pass the time I texted my sister in real time the blow by blows (no pun intended) and listened to my iPod. Well, thankfully you two freaks got off somewhere near the Tenderloin after he came in your mouth. When it was over I had to say something and just made eye contact with everyone and said "Did we all see what I think we just saw?" and everyone laughed out loud. Learned something new last night. The 49 is a bit more rocking than the 47. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-10-12T07:48:19-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/876086738.html To the tranny that blew that guy on the 49 bus last night..... - m4w text you: Prius guy; me: not a hooker (redhead in purple fishnets) - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/860137375.html Me: A redhead on a bicycle, in fishnets and a short skirt, biking home from the Folsom Street Fair. You: A guy driving a Prius who tried to hire me for sexual services. There I was, biking along, thinking it would be smarter to ride down Shotwell than along the bigger streets at dusk because I didn't have my light or helmet. Now, I don't walk down Shotwell much because it's where all the hookers work and I don't want to interfere. But it seemed safe by bike. So when you slowed down to pass me in your Prius, I was a little apprehensive. Sure enough, "Want to make some money?" you asked. I was startled, though. You didn't look like the usual sleazebags who trawl these corners. I said no, with a smile. I should've been more firm, I guess. (I admit that my Folsom Fair getup was a bit more suggestive than usual, my mini-kilt draped over my bike seat, my tall boots making pedaling a little difficult. Nothing naughtier than you'd see street punks wearing anywhere, though. And who tries to pick up a hooker who's riding a bike? I am not a hooker, for the record, though I'm not offended. I have a science PhD, which might earn me less at first, but so far it's seemed to be the best use of my talents.) Anyway, I said no. And I kept biking. And you kept tailing me slowly in your Prius. Half a block later, you asked again and I answered more firmly, though still (too) politely. And then again, further along. By then I had a plan in mind to keep you from following me to my house, but you gave up at that point. So what gives? Do you come here often? In a city of yuppie geeks, why does a not-unattractive man with a Prius need to find a streetwalker on that particular corner of crack whores? Did the Folsom Fair inspire visions of kinky sex? Did I, with my messenger bag and commuter bike, look like the type to mete out exotic punishments? Are you just having a dry spell? And how much money are we talking? I'm actually curious. (Not interested, but curious.) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-09-29T14:50:12-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/860137375.html you: Prius guy; me: not a hooker (redhead in purple fishnets) - w4m text Please discipline codegirl and make her code very difficult AJAX http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/846606372.html I have needs at work like all of us girls do. For me, I don't want to be a girl dropped into the coding pit to be awed and then broken by Senior PHP engineers wielding grim and terrible caching weapons. Rails engineers by the thousands marching, marching against everyone, on every border while I draw well water shot through with ponderings of the scalability issues with PHP, and how for form to exist in our physical universe it must be have a name. If matter or a form cannot be named, it cannot exist. I don't want to fight sexy ATG boys about AJAX performance within droplets, I don't want to bicker in the morning concerning why JQuery is the proper and correct framework, all the time everytime. It's ok. I love you guys. I do. I worship you Warcraft playing, contract working, hordes of luscious web men. I know what you love. I want to be there for you. I will code the HTML you don't want to. It's ok. I don't mind. I like it. I will code it handcuffed if you want. It's ok. If I'm too slow, or if you check and my adhering to standards is inappropriate or my fumbling, adolescent understanding of the finer point of JSON infuriate you, you can tear my stockings. They were expensive, and I bought them for work. They were my only pair. I am a humble code girl. Do you need me to do the Apache configs? Ok. I will. I will do anything. I will wear backseam black stockings and rack servers for you. I will wear long skirts and ballet flats and sit close to you and put Arby's sauce on your Roast Beef. I will eat what you order for me. What makes codegirl the most happy is working in the service of many codeboys at once. A studio full of codeboys are always in need of support to keep them at their best. You need fruit. You need soda. You need me to cook for codeboys each day for lunch Naked. I want to learn lots about coding. I secretly want to overtake codeboys and steal their knowledge, but the deep training and sensitivity of codeboys make it impossible to deceive them. They know. So, I must answer phones at times, or take care of office chores. They know I don't like it. I do a good job, but they must discipline me to make me strong. Codegirl can come to your office. <ul> <li>it's ok to contact this poster if you are a potential employer or other principal <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job seeker. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-09-18T22:51:20-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/846606372.html Please discipline codegirl and make her code very difficult AJAX text bag of butt plugs and/or mannequins parts http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/845032722.html ~~~~Mannequins have been picked up all we have now is the bag of butt plugs~~~~ Yeah that's right you hear me right, a bag of butt plugs and/or mannequins parts, the mannequins from a store have been disassembled and are laying all over the place, can you come and grab these ladies? We are tired of them all laying around doing nothing when we are all busting are asses all day. . . . and the bag of butt plugs, yes there is a bag, it's a large safeway or something brown paper bag, and it is filled to the brim with silicone(?) butt plugs, I would not actually recommend using them for their intended purpose as they have been sitting there for I don't know how long. They haven't been used and they are still in their plastic bags. They are an assortment of sizes and colors so if you are trying to do some crazy art piece or stick them to a friends car, or make a Halloween costume I would say get your ass down here and get these butt plugs off our hands! I mean c'mon a free bag O' butt plugs!!! Maybe you could combine the mannequins and butt plugs to give to a friend for their birthday, anyways just come get them, we don't want our trash men to think we are freaks. Store Hours noon-7 come by anytime tonight or tomorrow. 1158 Howard St. San Francisco between 7th and 8th Have a beautiful day! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-09-17T18:09:04-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/845032722.html bag of butt plugs and/or mannequins parts text Thanks to Homeless Dude that crashed in our RV http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/784448284.html Seriously man, thanks. You crashed in my girlfriend's RV for a night or two, maybe more. Thanks for not fucking it up. But really man. It means something to us that you were able to find a warm, quiet place to sleep for a bit and that she was able to provide it. Thanks for not breaking anything to get inside. It's an old RV and finding parts could've been a pain in the ass. I really didn't want to spend a day replacing the passenger side window to a '75 Chevy RV. I wouldn't even know how to replace or patch up that old Sears Aluminum siding had you ripped the flimsy ass lock or used a screwdriver to get in. Plus, i just don't think alot more money should be sunk into it. Thanks for not stinking it up. I mean, even if the boxers that were hanging from the curtain and the cabinet were a bit sketch, you still did a great job at not stenching the place out. No harm, no foul I say. Also, thanks for having the human decency of not using the toilet in the RV and thus avoiding the smell of feces. Thanks for not throwing a party in there. Sure the RV is some pretty cool digs to have some friends over and rock-out, but we are so appreciative all the carpet is left unstained; no used needles floating around in a sink-ful of vomit; and no weird stains on the upholstry. Thanks for keeping it to yourself and keeping it tidy and relatively untouched...this is huge man, huge. Seriously, though- what'd you think of the interior? Pretty cool, eh? My girlfriend painted it; sewed and installed all the fabric coverings and curtains; and cleaned it all up. Yeah, she's rad.....(and you should see my girlfriend!) She's looking to sell it after Burning Man- so who know's- maybe you are ready to rock that style?!!! We didn't want to move your things out, but we kinda needed you to not be in there at the same time, you know? So, we put your black bag, sleeping bag, and dirty ass boxers along the fence next to the RV. Sorry man. I hope poeple don't take your shit. Really. This is Berkeley and anything not bolted down to your house is taken quickly. Don't even worry about the old-ass bologna, american cheese slices (which maintained format, size and consistency), penicillined-out cheddar, and milky-way bite size (snacks????) things, that created an onslaught of swarming ants into the old, PRISTINE fridge. It really wasn't that bad of a cleanup. Tip: ants die when sprayed with Method all purpose (non-toxic and biodegradable)spray. [sorry Gabbie, don't think it was Kosher though...my bad] Again man, thanks- sorry to have to kick you out! sam and gabbie <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-05T14:25:01-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/784448284.html Thanks to Homeless Dude that crashed in our RV text MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. NO DATE REQUIRED. - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/780311954.html ok. so i don't know really how to go about this. basically, i was your one night stand last night and need my most important idem of clothing back--> my bra. so yes, i was totally fine with the fact that when i left this morning we didn't exchange phone numbers (or names...); no big deal. but once i got home and sobered up, i realized, that we maybe should have because i left my bra at your house. first off, i want to get something clear. this is no victoria secret-esq type bra. this is an imported good were talking about. princess tam tam-french lingerie. ok. specifics about you. (what i remember.) they are not going to be too specific because my friends are on this all the time and think i took a cab home last night. you are: 1) outrageously tall and good looking. 2) a commercial real estate broker from the san jose, but lives in the financial district in the city with an asian friend whom i believe, was celebrating his birthday. 3) going to slide saturday night. 4) really into golf, in fact went friday. 5) a fan of red gumm y bears. i am: 1) someone who obviously loves her underwear. 2) obsessed with french everything. 3) not really into children. something we have in common. 4) occasionally from time to time caught wearing my clothes inside out. 5) "anna"- (my name.) so, where to go from here. basically, i'm willing to do whatever it takes. i can come pick it up, you can mail it to me, i can just have you leave it outside your building at a certain agreed upon time. what ever. i hope to god you don't feel weird about this, because i don't. i obviously didn't leave it there on purpose. like i said, i'm not looking for you to take me out or call me. for god's sake, i'm resorting to craigslist for a grey bra. it's just a super cute one and i want it back. plus, it doesn't seem like you'll use it. you just didn't come off as that type. please people. if this is you, or sounds like someone you know who fits this "john doe" profile, please contact me. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-02T11:10:28-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/780311954.html MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. NO DATE REQUIRED. - w4m text Manly Bike for Sale http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html Bike for sale What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME". The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way. The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating. The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything. I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total: Gear 1 - Sissy Gear Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear Gear 4 - Boy Gear Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear Gear 6 - Manly Gear Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest. Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four". Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-22T10:18:55-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html Manly Bike for Sale text Develop software for a quantitative hedge fund http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/759613192.html We are a quantitative hedge fund with offices in Palo Alto and on the East coast. We're looking for first-rank software developers to join our Palo Alto team. Candidates should have a PhD, Masters degree, or undergraduate degree in Computer Science, Mathematics, or a related field. The successful applicant will have experience in object-oriented programming, agile software development, and algorithm design and implementation. Knowledge of Java, financial mathematics, Unix-based systems, MATLAB, and relational database systems is a plus. This position offers a competitive base salary and bonus program. For immediate consideration please do the following: 1) Prepare a cover letter. 2) Flip a coin 50 times. Record the results on your resume as a sequence of heads (H) or tails (T) symbols. 3) Email your cover letter and resume to us. <ul> <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T22:05:02-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/759613192.html Develop software for a quantitative hedge fund text Doormat seeks muddy boots http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/749878367.html Do you have a drinking problem? Do you believe your crappy childhood exempts you from having to be nice to other people? Is "enraged" the only emotion you are capable of feeling? Do you make twice as much as me, yet still need to borrow money a week after you get paid? If so, I am the lady for you! I'm a queer femme who enjoys being yelled at, ignored, and told what is best for me. I'm short, thin (maybe that will trigger your teenage eating disorder issues! Feel free to blame me!), and smart (unless you find that threatening! In which case I am not as smart as you!). I do have clinical depression, which I manage with medication and, ideally, a steady supply of judgment from you. I'm looking to continue along my current dating path with someone who is immature, unpleasant, and bad at listening. Bonus points if you: -fetishize my mixed-race background, use it to impress your liberal white friends, and know exactly what "my people" are doing wrong -make "ironic" racist jokes -are a spoiled-ass mama's boy -have no friends of your own, preferring to use me for all of your emotional needs (if you must have your own friends, I would rather you use them to cheat on me and/or commiserate about what a terrible girlfriend I am) -hate fat people (although I am not fat myself, I love it when people rip on my friends and expect me to agree because of my genetics) -understand that being an asshole and apologizing for it later is exactly the same as not being an asshole in the first place -use "non-normatively gendered" as a synonym for "teeming with internalized misogyny" Hopefully we can build a lasting relationship and maybe move in together so that you can decorate the apartment with old beer cans filled with cigarette butts and containers of half-eaten takeout food covered in fruit flies. Don't worry, I'll clean up after you. I'd prefer if you are white and middle-class so you can lord it over me all the time. Physical age unimportant as long as you are emotionally 9 years old. Your pic gets mine!!! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-10T12:20:19-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/749878367.html Doormat seeks muddy boots text GAP JEAN MINI SKIRT, size 1, FREE http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/748763960.html maybe it was the scorching hot weather in the mission today, or the 2 huge canvas bags and one plastic full of perishing groceries that i was lugging down folsom st with the sound of jack hammers ruthlessly invading the only spare sensory space that i had left in my being, or the gross men making comments and staring me down like a bunch of motherf*&#king animals or maybe it was the fact that the skirt rides up when i am walking fast and not fixing it every 15 steps because i don't have the hips to keep it in place, i never have and never will, only reminding me of the awkward preteen years in middle school, or maybe it was the fact that it has no back pockets and meager front pockets that slowly edge any contents as i walk flinging my grocery list pen on the ground for me to have to bend over to get with a crap load of swinging bags of groceries or maybe i was just tired of all the b.s. when i made the decision, but regardless of the circumstances surrounding my choice to end my relationship with my Gap, size 1,basic jean mini skirt, it is truly over and UP FOR GRABS to the first taker. <img src="748763960.jpg"> <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-09T14:50:07-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/748763960.html GAP JEAN MINI SKIRT, size 1, FREE text He's Out of My Life http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/738732197.html When I met Mr. Coffee, nobody told me I’d be changing his diaper every single day just so that I could get my buzz on! It has become all part of the daily grind, after he burps out the final drops of the day’s brew. I feel that doing it 2x a day is an excessive interruption while I prepare my TPS reports for the next day’s meeting. I will confess to being a part-time Caffiend and part-time gadgetaholic. Mr. Coffee has been served an eviction notice, as I have already purchased and installed a programmable coffee maker + the requisite webcam to identify the person in our office who pours a full cup and leaves about a quarter inch of coffee in the pot --- without making a fresh one for everyone to share. So, off you go, Mr. Coffee: to Whomever wishes to adopt you, the paperwork has already been completed on your behalf. Simply give him a ride back to your place. He’s already trained and well-seasoned for tomorrow’s coffee shift. He's had no surgery to date. He’s thumbing a ride near the front door of the Capitola DMV. I’ll miss you, Mr. Coffee. And, I never even knew your first name… <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-30T21:21:16-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/738732197.html He's Out of My Life text RAVE: My Life Since Getting Out of Prison http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/734069587.html I graduated from college in May, and this summer seemed like a good time to go through the box of papers and assignments I had been saving since the start, both to reminisce and to do a little cleanup. Tucked in a folder of an old notebook at the very bottom of the box was the essay that follows. Written in longhand, it was the first assignment from the first class in my first semester. *********************************************************** <tt> January 20, 2003 English 1A Professer ___________ <center>My Best Summer Memory</center> Hey man, I’m not really sure if you’re supposed to put an introduction in this thing, but here goes anyway. My name is ____________. My assignment today is to write an essay about the best thing that happened to me this last summer. I know everybody’s been kinda looking at me in class, wondering why a dude in his thirties is taking English 1A instead of being out there working a job. I’m not too keen on talking about myself much. Most folks aren’t, I guess, unless they’re Paris Hilton. But since the assignment is a personal essay I suppose I don’t have much choice. Anyways the best thing that happened to me this last summer was when I finally got outta prison based on that DNA evidence. I’ll tell you man, if you can’t appreciate getting outta prison then you haven’t been there to begin with. For me it started about three years ago when this chick got murdered in East San Jose while opening up her plumbing supply shop. Me and Merle came by a couple weeks later to pick up some PVC for a sprinkler repair, and for some reason the dude behind the counter thought we was a little suspicious, so he called the cops. They put me in a line up, but of course the dude already knew what I looked like and what clothes I was wearing so it wasn’t that tough to pick me out. Other than that there was no real evidence, but I didn’t have an alibi and I had a couple drunk and disorderlies on my record back from when me and Merle used to fight each other for fun after closing time. They had it in their minds I was guilty, and they kept after me for two days, yelling and throwing stuff at me and telling me made-up stories about how Merle told them I did it. I always figured I was pretty tough but after awhile it just wore me down. I had to look at some pictures of death row and I got showed on my arm where the needles would go and everybody called me Dead Man Walking. They told me if I signed a confession I wouldn’t get the death penalty and I had to think about that one pretty hard. The lawyer they assigned to me smelled like he’d been pulling a cork during lunch and he fell asleep while they was questioning me. I knew I didn’t do nothing but sometimes life just ain’t all fair, and this seemed like one of those times. So I signed. After the sentencing Merle sold my truck and moved all my stuff into storage for me, and promised me he’d look after Mussel Shoals, my black lab. They sent me up to San Quentin, and when I got there, I was put in the section with the black dudes.I found out later that’s what they do with new prisoners, except the blacks end up in the white section. I guess it’s to soften up the new inmates, I dunno. Whatever the reason it didn’t take long for them to find this paleface. One day I turn around, and there they stood, the welcoming committee. It didn’t take but one look to realize they weren’t there to bring me a fruit basket. I figured this was gonna be a test of me, find out if they could push me around, so I got a good shot in on the first one and broke his nose. Since it was four on one, I was looking at an ass-kickin for sure, so I didn’t follow up on the others too much, to try and keep ‘em from getting too mad. Well man, was I ever wrong about that. They got me face down, one on each arm and leg, then they got my pants down. About this time, right up till the last minute, I was thinking, this can't be happening to me. The dude whose nose I broke went first. I was heaving and twisting my body trying to get loose, but the others held me down good. He started to poke around and then forced himself in. I never in my life had anything hurt like that, man. Everything got all cloudy and I heard him call me his white bitch. Bits of snot and blood from his nose dripped down on the cement next to my head. It’s the only time in my life I ever tried to talk to God. First I asked him why. Then I asked him to help me. And he never said a word. You know, the only thing worse than being shined on by God is having it happen at a time like that, man. But it’s just like the preachers say: you can’t fool God. He knows why you’re finally talking to him – because you need help. So God never answered me, and I was on my own. And the only thing I wanted to do was to die. When he was done, he got up and kicked me in the head. That in a way was kind of a blessing, cause I don't remember anything that happened after that for awhile, and I'm pretty sure the rest of those dudes took their turns. A few weeks later, they came around again. I knew what was coming this time, and I didn’t hold anything back. I popped three of em pretty good before they got me down and did me again. They got the better of me, no question, but I left them worse for wear. That was the first time I ever saw a black eye on a black dude. By this time I was hoping they’d think I just ain’t worth the trouble. There were plenty of others there that were easier pickins than me. But this wasn't about finding someone for sex, it was about breaking me down. So I got another visit from my new buddies. This time, they kinda formed a circle around me before moving in, and I could see in their eyes that some of them weren't really looking forward to this at all. Well man, welcome to the fuckin club. This time I ended up in the prison hospital and spent a couple weeks there. One day, I was laying there thinking about how much I hurt and wondering what a life sentence was gonna be like with this happening all the time, when one of the inmates working in the hospital starts talking to me and tells me about the Aryan Brotherhood and how I don't have to put up with the nee-grahs no more as long as I join up with em. And that’s how I ended up with the tattoo of the swastika and WHITE POWER on my arm, right up there by the bicep. Well, time goes by and I’m getting settled into the routine of prison life, and no one is messing with my behind no more now that I’m in this white guy gang. Then from outta the blue I find out that that someone from the Pine Hills Youth Correctional Facility in Montana got religious and wrote a letter confessing to killing that chick. He was just a kid, only seventeen years old. Can you believe that? Well, no one at San Quentin did. No one takes you seriously when you tell em you’re innocent, cause everybody in prison says they’re innocent. I didn’t have the letter or anything, just what I heard, so no one gave a shiet. So I wrote to Merle, and he sent some dude from the Innocence Project to visit me. Next thing I know the prison doctor is scraping some skin from the inside of my mouth, and one day, just like that, they're walking me out the door and on my way. Course it didn’t take more than five minutes to be up to my ass in ambulance chasers all wanting to help me sue the government for my troubles. Most of em didn’t smell much different than the public defender, and I began to wonder if I was ever gonna get a lawyer who wasn’t a fall-down drunk. The dudes at the Innocence Project gave me the name of some chick up in San Francisco to call. That was kinda far away for me, but she turned out to be a pretty good lawyer and didn’t smell of booze either. She spent a lot of time yelling at the guys from the city, and let me tell you man, after listening to that I sure was glad she was working for me and not them. In the end, I got some money, not a lot, cause I wasn't in all that long and of course I didn’t tell a soul about the other stuff, but it was enough to get my trailer and a good truck, and they also promised to pay for retraining which is why I’m taking this class. Once I got all signed up for school and the dust settled down, I figured I better get rid of that tattoo. So I called up Merle and told him to come on over and give me a hand with it. We heated up a weeding tool in the barbeque, and I bit down on a little stick of wood while Merle burnt off the tattoo with the weeder. You know, I never stopped biting that stick, but when the flesh started to burn, I tried to push everything outta me like emptying a squeeze bottle of Heinz ketchup. All the shame, all the rage I was carrying around inside me since I got out. I just forced it all outta me and I guess I yelled a good deal, cause Merle was looking at me kinda funny when it was done. Merle's my best friend, and I figured maybe it was OK if I told him about it all, so I did. And when I was done, there was a long silence, then he kinda looked at me and asked in a quiet voice if I was gonna make him burn my bunghole too, and finish the job. That Merle, he's as dumb as a box of rocks, but he always finds a way to make me laugh. I never really took to queers in the first place but it ain’t cause of what happened to me when I was inside prison. I don't blame the blacks or the queers for it. That stuff really wasn't about color or sex; it was about power plays by cons who had to ditch their humanity in order to survive. Still, as everybody knows man, no matter how many times you squeeze the bottle, you can't get every last bit of ketchup out, and for me, I still had some bits of my experience I couldn’t get outta my head. Sometimes, I'd be watching TV and just start to feel terribly sad and weak. Mussel Shoals was back with me by then, and he seemed to know something was wrong when I felt like that. He didn't know what, but he’d always come on over anyway, and lick my hand and rest his head on my leg. I tell you man, I really love that dog. <img src="http://i282.photobucket.com/albums/kk252/mrhastyrib/ms-1.jpg" align="left"> It was real tough getting back in the saddle with the ladies after what happened to me in prison. I’d always heard that if you so much as touched another guy’s privates you were queer for life, and although I was hoping that weren’t true, it was hard to think about sex without remembering all the bad stuff. Merle brought by some chick he was going out with who had a lady friend, and though she was nice and all I was kinda scared I wouldn’t be able to deliver the goods and have to start explaining everything, so I had to pass. About a month after I bought my trailer, I met a nice chick at the park while out walking Mussel Shoals. She's about my age and pretty agreeable. Betty’s her name. She has a dog, too, a female Dalmatian named Dotty. Mussel Shoals was OK with that, ‘cause he ain’t prejudiced, and they got along just great. After we'd been going out for a few weeks it was my birthday, and she and Merle came over to my trailer and surprised me with a little cake. After I blew out the candles they said we could do anything I want, their treat. So we talked about it awhile and decided to spend the day out at Great America. Well I don’t know if you been to Great America lately but they have this new feature which is a water park, and if you asked me that part alone is worth the price of admission. After we got in we headed on over there and changed our clothes in one of the little changing rooms they have nearby. While I was waiting for Betty to change (course chicks always take forever, took me and Merle about a minute and Betty about four hours) I struck up this conversation with this Filipino dude who was waiting behind me. He had a shirt on said he’s a police officer, so of course I didn’t mention anything about being in prison. Then one of the changing rooms opened up, not the one Betty was in (of course since she takes a million years) so I told the dude to go ahead of me since I had to wait for Betty anyway. He moved on into the room and then his son, who was maybe 3 or 4 years old, started following him, but he told the son to wait outside. So the kid kinda backstepped a ways without turning around and then reached up and took my hand, and I closed my hand around his and we stood there awhile like uncle and son. It was a great feeling man. I never got to do that with my dad, cause he passed out on some tracks and got all mashed up by a train when I was only six months old, and none of the dudes that Mom brought around after that ever stayed more than a couple days. I didn’t really know what I was supposed to do, so I just stood there and tried not to squeeze his hand too hard. Pretty soon though I heard this laughing behind me, and it’s the kid’s mom. And I looked down at him, and he’s looking over at her, and his forehead gets all crinkly, and he looks at his hand in mine, and you can see him sorta follow my arm all the way up to my shoulder and to my head. When he figured out I wasn’t his mom, his eyes got real big and he yanked his hand away and scampered over to where she was sitting. Well by this time his mom is pretty much doubled over with laughter and she and I are talking, and of course Betty comes out right about then and sees me talking to this hot Filipino chick and gives me the stink eye. But it didn’t take too long before I’m the one who was upset cause Betty is wearing this string bikini top and let me tell you man, if I had charged a quarter a peek for a look at her tatas I would have made a fortune that day. Betty looks a lot like Salma Hayak (specially when she gets mad, which is all the time, Geez!) and she has a really nice rack. But you see man this is where chicks are really sneaky. Betty knew we was going to a water park and there'd be lots of chicks to look at and she didn’t want me looking at em. So she wore her most revealing outfit cause she knew I’d have to keep an eye on her. At a place like Great America there are tons of buff dudes walking around trying to grab your chick when you’re distracted. So you got to keep your eye out every minute and that cuts into your time cruising the hotties. And speaking of that I think next time I’m gonna tell Betty how much I enjoy checking out the babes while she’s goofing around in the dressing room. That oughta speed her up. We had a great time and ate crummy food and I won a Spongebob doll for Betty at the pitching booth. Merle almost got in a fight with some dudes who stole a big doll from one of the other carnival booths but the rent-a-cops broke that one up before it started. Later he got sick after going on the Invertigo and we got to watch him puke in a trash can. That part wasn’t so good, but after it got dark the fireworks started going off and Betty snuggled up to me real close and I forgot all about Merle, and we kinda lost him. It worked out OK though in the end. Merle called me later and told me that when he got out to the parking lot he ran into the same dudes he almost got in a fight with, and they ended up going out drinking and they’re his dawgs now. I never heard Merle call anyone that before, but he don’t generally hang out with black dudes either. After the fireworks was done, Betty came back with me to my trailer, and we started watching American Idol. Well, one thing led to another and the next thing you know we was in bed getting ready to do the horizontal mambo. She was kinda nervous so I cracked a few jokes to relax her till she told me to shut up. I was nervous too, man. I was worried about maybe being queer, but besides even that, this was gonna be the first time for me since before I went to prison, and I was afraid I might be a little rusty. It was a night I think I’m always gonna remember. First-time sex with a chick who's your girlfriend is always a big deal, specially if you’re a guy. You get to see what she looks like naked, specially the boobs, and see what kind of funny noises she makes when she gets all excited. In spite of all my worrying, everything turned out OK. I guess sex is like being on a bicycle, you never forget how to ride. Still, it took Betty a long time to come that night, but that’s probly cause she was busy with her own first-time sex thoughts. Chicks are funny about that. It's like the first time you take em out to dinner. They don't care about the dinner so much as not looking bad eating it, which usually means not eating much of it at all. Same thing with sex. The first time, they don't care so much about coming as much as they don't want to embarrass themselves. Next time though you better deliver, that is if you want there to be a third time. So we're laying there afterwards, her head on my shoulder, and just talking real soft about nothing in particular, when all of a sudden there's this big commotion and damn if Mussel Shoals wasn't trying to have sexual relations with Dotty. She didn’t seem quite as interested as he was, but he stayed right on it, the two of em crashing into the walls and the bed and just going to town. I'll tell you, no one is gonna mistake ol’ Mussel Shoals for a 60 minute man, but seeing it was his first time and all, maybe he'll improve with practice. A bit later I was the only one awake, and I was laying there listening to the three of em making their sleep noises, and wishing I could get my arm loose somehow so I could get a glass of water without waking up Betty. But I just laid there listening to the sounds, and smelling the odors of the people sex and dog sex, and thinking about my life. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid. I wanted to be a big success and fall in love with the prom queen and live in a four bedroom house with two kids and a Chevy just like white people do in the movies. It didn’t take long to figure out that wasn't gonna happen, and things started to look real bad there for awhile like I just told you about, and much as I try to, I’m probly never gonna forget how I got into prison and what happened to me there. But all and all, life really ain’t been so bad to me, man. Betty said she thinks I might make a good lawyer someday. I told her I’ll be lucky to pass this class much less make it all the way to law school. But she thinks I can become a lawyer, not one like the city gives you that drinks his lunch, but someone who really helps people, maybe even get some other dudes outta prison that don’t belong there either. She said everybody has a destiny in life, and mine is to help people to redeem their lives. How can you not love a chick who talks like that, specially about you? Come to think of it, the best thing that happened to me last summer was meeting Betty. I got me a good woman in that chick. I got someone to calm me down after I get cut off on the freeway by some dick, and to help me express my true feelings without cussin. She’s someone who’ll open the aspirin bottle for me when I have a hangover, fake an orgasm when I really need her to, and maybe someday, God willing, remind me how many kids we have and what their names are. Guys don't give their chicks enough credit for this sorta stuff, and frankly you dudes out there reading this, if you are not making use of this kinda help then you are not getting full value outta your chick. I’m gonna do my part too. I’m gonna protect her, always. I’m gonna hold her and pet her head and tell her everything’s OK when she’s feeling sad. I’m gonna nod at her sympathetically while thinking, "Who fuckin cares?" while she bitches on and on about some other chick at work who looked at her the wrong way. I’m gonna help her watch football with me, let her change my haircut and clothes all the time, and worry about all the big shiet so she has plenty of time for chick stuff like shopping and crying. It was a great summer, man. And I’m looking forward to the rest of my life. </tt> ******************************************************** I got a D for this essay ("inappropriate content)", and a C-minus for the course. I was pretty discouraged, but Betty wouldn't let me quit. She said that this might not be my last chance to change my life, but it sure was going to be my best chance, and I should go all out. At the department graduation ceremonies in May, the entire faculty rose and applauded me as I walked up to get my diploma. And then before you know it, everyone else got up and joined in too, and Betty started bawling her eyes out. I was really embarrassed, but fortunately Merle was there, and he shouted "It's about fucking time!" to me, which cracked up everyone and got them back into their seats. In the fall, I'll start law school at Santa Clara University, on an Emery scholarship. Merle is a Precinct Captain for the Obama Campaign. Mussel Shoals went on to live a happy life with Dotty. When his hearing started to go, we noticed that she was helping him to understand when we gave him commands. One by one his parts started to wear out, and on December 24th of last year, my dearest friend licked my hand one last time and then slept away. I buried him on a short hill, next to a trail where I used to hike with him and Dotty. The view is beautiful, and when we visit, Dotty will lay next to him for as long as I am willing to stay. About three years ago my grades started to get very good and it looked like school would stick. I came home one night and told Betty that I thought things were getting better every year, year after year. She started crying and wouldn't tell me why. It took me a long time to figure it out, and when I did I felt pretty sheepish. I asked her, she answered yes, and nine months to the day of our wedding night, little Tina was born. She's as cute as a bug, and someday when she is old enough to learn about her old man's story, I will take this essay out of storage for her to read. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-26T19:03:16-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/734069587.html RAVE: My Life Since Getting Out of Prison text I was the girl your wife was going down on when you came home - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/726200477.html I don't know where else to post this. It seems like the most logical place. So, here we go: Me: intelligent, fun and stunning bisexual that has always kinda been around since I am the younger sister of the best friend. her: breathtakingly beautiful bisexual... your wife.... YOU: tall, funny, big-brother type who walked in on your wife going down on me when you came home from a long night. I would like to first off apologize for my reaction to you walking in. If I had known for sure that it was just you, I wouldn't have been so quick to cover up all my goodies. I am smart enough to realize that if your wife has been tasting it, it is only fair that you get to see it. Second, I would like to explain why there was no hand of welcome extended out to you: 1. I was supposed to have left to pick my brother up about 20 minutes before you walked in.(What can I say? I was sidetracked...) 2. you had a friend waiting for you in the livingroom. 3. you looked like you wanted to punch me in the face. Under normal circumstances I would have simply asked you if you wanted to join in.... to be honest, reason 2 wouldn't have stopped me, reason 1 was just a minor setback, and well.... reason 3 was the real deal-breaker on that one. Reason 3 explains why I quickly put on my pants, grabbed my purse, and left the house without saying goodbye to you. So, ok, things have cooled down a bit. Me and you are back to our normal retardedly witty banter, and since then me and your wife haven't done anything.... ok well.... we have had a few make-out sessions, and I may or may not have had my hand down her pants the other night.... but there has been no sex. (not for my lack of teasing-slash-trying... but I mean... you have seen your wife, and you know how awesome she is~can you really blame me?) I know she has been with other girls in the past, and it never bothered you before. But maybe it was because this time it was at home, and maybe it was because this time it was with me, and there are real feelings there, and it isn't just about the sex.... But I promise I am not trying to steal her away. I don't even want to make you fully share~our work schedules are as such that I can be with her while you are at work, and you don't have to miss any time with her at all!!! So please, please, please, PLEASE give her permission to be with me again. (....and again and again and again...) because, well... it is SO hard to find a girl[or guy]with the same dating goals and ideals as me, and me and her have this connection that is just like.... well I can't even explain it. And sweetheart, I *PROMISE* that the next time you walk in on us, I won't cover anything up. I will give you a great display of myself&my goodies,then look you straight in the eye, and ask you why your clothes are still on. Yeah, it may be a little awkward since I have always had little sister status, but I think once you get in the mix of things you will forget all about my relatives. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-20T01:52:13-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/726200477.html I was the girl your wife was going down on when you came home - w4m text Rant of a copy girl http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725756615.html Rant of a copy girl I make copies for a living. Black and white, color, oversize. I also laminate, bind, staple, 3-hole punch, fold, and any other various "copy girl" duties. I understand that alot of people can not identify with the job of a copy girl, because its a combination of waitress/cashier. I wait on you and then you pay. Need copies? Here are some rules to follow and things to avoid. Please bear with me as I have had a particularly annoying day so I am a bit more pissed off than I am on a regular day. I make copies for a living, I never said I could spell or use correct grammar. Just giving you a warning. 1. If you come to me 30 minutes before we close and need 10,000 fliers printed, its not going to happen. Don't tell me that it can. A machine can print 60 copies a minute. There are 60 minutes in an hour. 60x60=3,600 copies an hour. So as you can see, it will take over 2 hours to do that. (I have never been good at math, hence my being a copy girl, so my figures could be off--but you get the point.) 2. When I make a mistake, I pay for it. If you told me to make the copies 2 sided and I did not, I will apologize and correct the problem. You will not be charged for my mistake. However, if you are a fucking dumb ass and can not read the directions on the machine where it says "place copy in upper left hand corner--press start" and you put it in the upper right hand corner and press start...Well, you will pay for those copies and I reserve the right to call you a fucktard under my breath. Its only fair. 3. Ok, so you need 5 quick copies. Easy, in and out. So why on earth do you and 3 of your friends all need to pile out of the car and come in? You all get out, come in, watch me make the copies, and then 30 seconds later you all leave the store. How many douche nozzles does it take to make a copy? 4. If you don't understand how to use the self serve machines--ASK. That's what I am here for, to help. Why waste 5 minutes of your time staring at the machine like its some foreign object? To go along with item number 2, if you stand there and put your 50 pages in the auto feed face down (when it reads in big bold letters FACE UP) I will again call you a name and make you pay for them. 5. I get it, you need your copies and you need them quick. Like I said earlier, the machine only goes so fast. When I tell you the job will take about an hour, that is your cue to go get some coffee or do another errand and come back. When you proceed to stand at the counter and stare at me the whole time, you are not helping. Your not mind tricking the machine into going any faster. The only thing you are doing is pissing me off. I will probably gyp you on copies if you do this. 6. I've done this job for a long time. I know what I am doing. If I tell you that when you laminate that concert ticket it will turn black, I mean it. So, when you proceed to tell me you have done it before and it will be fine, you just look like a jack ass when I do it and it does in fact turn black. Still, you proceed to get mad at me. I know you have a small penis, but don't take your inadequacies out on the copy girl. 7. No your nasty ass snot nosed kids can not come behind the counter. Neither can you. Its not cute when little Jimmy is playing hide and seek and runs behind the counter. It will be cute when he chops off his cute little arm with the industrial cutter we have back here though. And you? Would you go to MacDonald's and order something and then go follow them behind the counter as they microwave your burger? NO. Don't do it to me. Again, I know what the fuck I am doing. Let me do it so I can get you the hell out of here. 8. Oh, you need a receipt for that 5 cent copy? No you don't. I will punch you in the face if you ask. 9. The prices for basic items are located on the door, on the counter, on the big fucking pricing board on the wall, and in the brochers we have. So when you ask me to make you 1,000 color copies, I am going to do it. If you don't ask me the price, I assume you know. Do you go to the McDonald's (I am hearting the McDonald's references today) drive thru and order a number 6 and then when they tell you the total say "Oh my, I didn't know it was going to be that much'? NO. You don't. You would be a piece of fuck if you did that. So when you look at me and say "Oh my, I didn't know it was going to be that much" I will just stare at you waiting for my money. McDonald's might be able to sell that burger, fries, or coke to another person. I probably wouldn't be able to sell your copies of 'The Everything Asparagus Cook Book' to the freakiest of freaks--And yes, someone really does come in here and make copies of that cook book. Its like 300 pages long and even includes asparagus ice cream....But anyhow, I am getting off of my rant. 10. I can not copy that book for you. I mean, physically I can, but legally--well, its illegal. Do you know what copyright is? It means, its not yours to copy without permission. Also there is a list of things that are illegal to color copy, such as money and drivers license. I realize that maybe you don't know that, but I just fucking told you. So now you know. Asking me why not just makes me want to kick your ass. 11. This is not an auto dealership. You can not try and bargain the price down. Why someone would do that is beyond what I could think up. We have a price list. We go down in price the more you get. What don't you understand? 12. When you hand me your shitty papers to be copied, don't say "don't read that information, its private." Well sir, I really did want to read your letter to your girlfriend about your infatuation with fucking sheep because it fascinates me to no end--But since you asked so nicely, I will try ever so hard to tear myself away from reading about whatever piece of shit it is that you are copying. I don't give a fuck if you are copying pictures of a dildo hanging out of your ass. I could care less. I just want to take your money. Ok, I feel much better. Thanks for listening CL....One more tip. If you are one of the people who doesn't act like a socially retarded fucker, I will remember that. I will give you a cheaper price, or give you 10 extra copies of your flier for your lost kitty kat. Meow. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-19T15:10:43-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725756615.html Rant of a copy girl text The 2008 Craigslist M4M Dictionary http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725415358.html *Swimmer’s Build: Term used to describe the physique of someone who has probably never swam a lap or played organized sports in his life. Generally means "I’m not fat, but I’m not ripped and muscular, and so I must have a swimmer’s build". *Beefy (aka husky, cub, bear): Fat ass. The prevalence of these people are the reason you can never find size 30 slacks in a department store. *Jock: Someone who tries very hard to be manly but probably is deathly afraid of sports and anything physical outside of the Castro steamroom and the Berkeley Steamworks. Most men who actually do play sports would refer to themselves as "athletic". *Str8 (aka Str8 Acting): Man who lives in a parallel universe where jonesin' for cock is not considered gay. Deludes himself with "Pump my ass and work my dick, boy. It’s cool because I’ve got a GF". These men are a bane to those who are honest about their sexuality. *Girlfriend (aka GF, wife): A fictitious creature alleged to be had by many men in M4M. GF’s are most commonly known to be "asleep", "shopping" or "out of town". Discussion of the GF is intended to bolster intrigue, as in "Cool, this dude usually fucks chicks but now he wants me" among gay men with low self-esteem. *8X5 cut: A circumcised penis that is 6 inches long and about 4 inches in circumference. *PNP (aka Party and Play): Term used to describe the combination of a drug binge (usually crystal meth or “T”) and sex. Emphasis is usually on the "party", as this is usually used as a low-grade form of prostitution and participants usually will have a hard time performing sexually. Synonymous with transmission of sexual diseases. *Vers/Top: Person who wishes to convey the illusion that you will actually get yours without having to jack off on your own. May suck your dick poorly for about 30 seconds before becoming a greedy sex pig. *Married: Deluded man who is intent on ruining not only his own life, but the life of a spouse and possible children through his patent dishonesty. So hot! *BB (aka Bareback, Raw, Natural): "I have diseases that will probably kill me and you, but I don't care because I'm on a death trip and want to live for the moment until I become poz and have to take meds". *Poz (aka HIV+): Man who deserves a medal for being honest about his potential to transmit a dangerous virus and is generally looking to have sex with other poz guys. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-19T10:35:43-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725415358.html The 2008 Craigslist M4M Dictionary text Ultra Hip Hipster Bar for Your Fixie - steel is real! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/715505172.html Make your already hip hipster ride hipper with these ultra hip short bars. 13.5cm across which is enough room for a babies hand or a little less than half an Oury grip. Steel bar. 110mm, 1" threadless, 10 degree rise stem. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-10T19:00:22-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/715505172.html Ultra Hip Hipster Bar for Your Fixie - steel is real! text Open apology to unintentional voyeur in Santa Cruz http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/673142557.html I wish to apologize to the unfortunate hippy girl who witnessed a most disturbing event on Tuesday evening near the parking structure on Front and River street. You saw me bent over, clutching a dumpster with both hands, while a six foot-plus tranny stood directly behind me. Fortunately for you, the dumpster obscured your view, thereby sparing you most of the unpleasantness. I imagine you were left to wonder exactly what nefarious deeds were happening beyond your field of view. You may have surmised that I was being mugged, frisked by the vice squad, on the receiving end of a very unique quickie, or even raped... but I assure you this was not the case. To satiate your curiosity, what you didn't see involved me with my pants around my ankles while the aforementioned tranny delivered a series of blows to my exposed backside. Those blows were so masterfully delivered that you must have heard each one sharply reverberate off the parking structure's concrete walls. For your sake, let's hope you put two and two together, rather than ran with the absolute worst case scenario in your imagination. Interestingly enough, you seemed curious and made no effort to avert your gaze. I commend you for that. We locked eyes for a few moments. Mine were filled with both the fear of being caught and the excitement of being watched. Due to the distance involved and my painful distractions, I couldn't quite read your expression... but I imagine it involved either disgust, intense curiosity, or simple Santa Cruz bemusement for all things weird. I hope you were able to sleep that night while pondering the ugly possibilities. In my defense, let me say that I've never done this sort of thing before, and I was merely following orders. And yes... I enjoyed it immensely and have every intention of repeating and diversifying these semi-public spectacles. For my money, it's more entertaining than watching a homeless guy take a dump on the sidewalk. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-05-08T13:01:48-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/673142557.html Open apology to unintentional voyeur in Santa Cruz text Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extend http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/672031640.html I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I'm willing to pay $350 up front for you services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again". That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis. British accent preferred. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: $350 up front </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-05-07T14:49:20-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/672031640.html Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extend text A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/624032499.html I'm not. I know that I seem to be more of child bearing age than cancer producing age, and I know that my newly flat chest due to a recent double mastectomy makes my belly protrude and makes me look preggers. I'm not. I know also that, despite eating healthfully and exercising a ton, the roids and the hormone therapy I've had the pleasure to experience are to thank for the nice round tummy growing before my eyes. Hell, even I tend to think I look pregnant. But I'm not. Yes, I realize too that I tend to wear a lot of empire waist and babydoll dresses these days, further adding to the "pregnant look". but frankly, since most of my pants hide in fear when I approach them in the closet, these dresses are a much better option. I'm flattered that maybe you think I'm "glowing". I guess 25 rounds of radiation will do that. But please, PLEASE, unless you see my water breaking, don't ask me "Is it a boy or a girl?". Um, it's tamoxifen, thanks for asking. I don't want to have to blurt out the truth any more than you want to hear it. But frankly, I'm tired of trying to make you feel better about your dumb mistake. Now, I just answer, "NOPE. It's cancer. Bellies look bigger when you've had your breasts removed." Sorry. I know you're probably driving home feeling stupid. Good. And of course, the irony that you'll never know, is that I probably won't EVER be pregnant, thanks to all this lovely crap. Don't you know that you never, unless you're absolutely sure, ask a woman if she's pregnant? You just don't. Ok, maybe if she's got her legs up in the air, is panting like a race horse, and someone with a surgical mask is yelling "PUSH" at her. But even then, you should really be sure before you ask. And for god's sake, please, please PLEASE don't pat my belly. It's just fat and it's really embarassing when you do that. So unless you literally see a baby's head poking out of my vagina, please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. I kicked cancer's ass. I can certainly kick yours. Thanks. PS - To be fair, I should mention that I am somewhat flattered that people think I might actually be having sex.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-30T10:13:15-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/624032499.html A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. text Happy fifth anniversary! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/611682001.html Has it really been five years already? Wow, time really flies with the distractions of life. So many things going on that sometimes it’s pretty easy to forget about you. I remember way back when you were projected to be this little $50-60 billion "conflict." But my how you’ve grown! It’s hard to believe that now you’re projected total cost is $3 trillion... that’s a lot of zeros! Your ability to suck all the resources of this nation is quite something. The infrastructure of our nation is suffering in innumerable ways because of the lack of available money. It will likely take near an entire generation to recover from you... whenever you stop. And how do we even recover from the human losses and tragedies? You know damn well we’ve created another generation of mentally ill war vets, just like those from Vietnam we all see wandering the streets of our major cities. Over 200,000 have applied for disability benefits. Then there’s the 3990 fatalities in the US forces, and by extension 3990 families that have been changed forever. So many of them seem to be young parents. I don’t want to forget the other 308 coalition deaths, the 29,314 US wounded, or countless Iraqi deaths and injuries. And by countless I mean countless. Nobody really knows. But since they started trying to keep track in 2005 there have been 47,000 fatalities. So war, I really think it’s about time you and I went our seperate ways. I don’t think I can handle another year of you. But to be realistic I know how tricky it can be to end these kind of dysfuctional realtionships, so I’ll just hope that next year at this time we’ll both have moved on and have started the healing process. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-19T13:20:17-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/611682001.html Happy fifth anniversary! text Fixed Gear Death Trap http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/608546617.html I'm selling a complete fixed gear. It is totally ready to ride and will probably kill you. I pushed it into a bike shop recently to have the rear wheel trued. At the bottom of my receipt it read, 'My advice, get a new bike.' So, I am. And maybe you are too! He was reserved enough not to use the words 'death' or 'trap,' but I'm not! The frame is probably an old Raleigh that could have been worth something. It's rattlecanned and chipping rapidly. The paint is almost completely gone where my car's bike rack grips. There are, however, parts of the bike that are still entirely painted. Looking a little deeper, the headset is completely fucked. Unless you can ride a unicycle, you can't ride this bike with no hands. I'm expecting something terrible to happen in the headset in the next few rides that will pitch me onto the pavement. For the right price, this could be you! Also, the pedals were never supposed to house toe cages. So, the cages are kind of ruined and inoperable. Sometimes when I'm skidding, my front foot will almost slip out and I'll get all wobbly before righting myself. During these moments, my eyes are usually plate-wide with terror. This could be your terror! There are still front and rear brakes installed, because it was always kind of a half-assed conversion. These could definitely be removed, though. The bike shop guy even tightened up the rear brakes for me. You could be the only fixie rider in SF with fully functional rear brakes. But the brake cables are also completely shot, so I wouldn't count on it. The handlebar tape is falling off and one of the plugs is missing. Also, I don't remember what kind of cranks are on it but the pedals are super long. Every now and then when you're riding they slam off the ground and get more ruined. Again, there's some aspect of terror here. The gear ratio is 52/20. The rear tire is flat and the Presta valve is broken off. This bike is what my brother affectionately refers to as a 'time bomb.' Why? Because there's no track hub or cog. Actually, there's a freewheel with loctite in it. So far, I've been able to learn how to ride fixed on this setup without it falling apart. But someday it will. And when it does, someone is going to get fucking screwed. I paid $80 for it 8 months ago in Buffalo. Considering we're in San Francisco, the asking price is $350. I think that's only fair. <img src=608546617.1.jpg> <img src=608546617.1.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-16T18:33:11-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/608546617.html Fixed Gear Death Trap text Firewood - good well seasoned and lots of it http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/604068203.html OK this is long but only because of all the nonsense I went through posting this ad last week and dealing with people that want me to deliver and stack it for them – for free. Or want to spend an hour on the phone with me, or provide them a map, or help load or or or… Look it’s simple. I have tons – literally tons – of good firewood to get rid of. It has been aged through three winters and is peak for burning now. It is all Eucalyptus. The rounds range in length from roughly sixteen inches to roughly twenty-four inches. The rounds range in diameter to what one person can handle to very large needing two or even three men to handle. You need a log splitter! Don’t call to tell me you don’t have a splitter and will be right over! They rent these things here in Novato – it’s no big deal. You also need a wheelbarrow or be ready to walk back and forth a lot because you can’t park any closer to the wood than maybe seventy feet. So it is much easier if you have a wheelbarrow. You can access the wood anytime without appointment – really. I don’t need to know you are on the way, or that first you have to buy your kids some pizza. I don’t need to know anything. It’s free wood get it? I’m giving it away – not looking for a relationship. If you don’t want to do some work for the free wood that’s perfectly fine with me – just go read some other ad. I don’t mind – really. And the only thing I ask is that you don’t make a mess of the area. That’s what I am trying to do is clean it up. So take as much as you like, and leave things in good shape. Last night I watched somebody haul away easily five hundred bucks worth of wood in less than an hour – and I have twenty times that amount left. So it really can be done. The only other thing you need is location, which I will provide if you contact me. I don’t want to meet your mother! And I don’t respond to earthlink addresses with that stupid spam quiz. Everything in this ad is all you need to know. I hope your cancer goes into remission and the orphans forgive you. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-12T12:26:05-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/604068203.html Firewood - good well seasoned and lots of it text Anti-atheist Backlash on R&R http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/596568636.html I've noticed a recent trend on Rants and Raves where certain Christian posters are attacking atheists while strangely choosing to ignore all other brands of non-Christians. Why is this? Are these armchair disciples more concerned about saving an atheist's soul than that of a Buddhist, Hindu, Jew, or Muslim? Sounds fairly selective to me. I think I know what's going on here... These people aren't attacking all non-Christians because they can at least personally identify with somebody else's belief; regardless of whether or not they agree with it. They are allies in the same sense that members of two opposing armies can feel a comradery with one other. Rather, it is the non-belief of atheists that bothers them. These people have faith so thoroughly engrained in their lives that to see somebody without a trace threatens them. They simply cannot conceive of somebody not believing in a deity of some sort. The idea is completely foreign to them, and therefore menacing. It forces them to evaluate their own beliefs. They become defensive and attack because the things they hold intrinsically and unquestionably sacred are being challenged by the mere philosophical position of another. Most atheists do not "believe" that god does not exist. Rather, they dismiss it as a possibility due to a complete lack of evidence. Otherwise, they'd have to entertain the possibility of believing in anything and everything... which is the essential problem of agnosticism. Therefore, it does not take faith to be an atheist. If the evidence changes, then most would certainly be reasonable enough to revaluate their positions. Until then, the existence of god is simply a non-issue for them. Some theists have decried this materialistic position, but without much real avail. What possibilities are we losing if we only believe in things that leave evidence behind? Ghosts, leprechauns, fairies and gods... everything in the realm of the superstitious, but nothing else. I can comfortably live with that; just as a Christian can comfortably live with the idea of worshipping Jehovah but not Shiva. They accuse atheists of leading selfish, corrupt, and immoral lives without fear of consequences. They accuse atheists of lacking moral codes. This is, of course, irrational, fear-mongering nonsense. Today's atheist is not a self-indulgent modern Caligula or a Stalin. Today's atheist is not a socially maladjusted anarchist who lives their lives without fear of retribution. According to a 1997 statistic, only 0.209% of prisoners incarcerated in the United States identify as atheists. Since atheists currently represent roughly 14% of the overall U.S. population, this is a significant indicator of the "morality" of the modern atheist. Today's atheist tends to be a well-educated, productive member of society who more often than not subscribes to the notions of moral relativism and secular humanism... which essentially means that we realize we're all stuck on this big ball together and we must work to set aside our differences and build a better future, because it's all that there is. That doesn't sound at all like the monstrous picture that's recently been smeared here by certain self-proclaimed loving Christians. These rabid believers clash with atheists knowing perfectly well that they are helpless to alter the ideological perceptions of their perceived foe. Why then, do they choose to partake of this exchange of bad blood? Because they're angry and they're frightened. They're angry because we have the nerve to indirectly challenge their insecurely-held beliefs with our continued existence. They're frightened because they fear that they're losing their foothold on the theocratic monopolization of America (school prayer, Christian-oriented legislature, etc.)... an officially secular country, mind you. Lashing out, spreading lies and misconceptions, and demonizing the enemy is a natural way to react to opposition; however contrary to the teachings of their professed lord and savior. Any anti-atheist backlash you're witnessing here is simply the result of reactionary mean-spiritedness, and nothing more. The misinformation is a sign of desperation. I suppose they believe what they're saying is true in the same sense that many Muslim fundamentalists believe that America is directly in league with the devil. Feeling "right" about the subjective tends to breed violent paranoia when challenged. Mind the danger in that whatever you choose to believe. I can't say that some atheists aren't guilty of the same indiscretion, but it's a generalization to categorize all atheists this way just as it's a generalization to categorize all Christians as rabid fundamentalists. I've been careful to avoid doing so here, despite the disrespect shown us by some members of the Christian community. Personally, I'm a firm believer in live-and-let-live. I believe Christ was too. I don't attack others for their beliefs. I don't even ask that others question their beliefs. Everyone has a right to decide what they hold dear. I don't write slanderous, inaccurate or inflammatory material about adherents of any religion. But I do defend my positions, because I hold them dear. I find it completely abhorrent that those who attack mine do so under the protective woolen guise of love and fellowship. It allows them to appear to hold the upper hand while hitting below the belt. The atheist in America is already a misunderstood and hated underdog, and people tend to ignore the callous disregard they are often shown by these "gentle lambs of God." Were it not for atheists being their current preferred cannon fodder, I'm certain these unyielding fanatics would be baring their claws and coming for you other non-Christians and moderates next. Watch your step.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-05T12:11:04-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/596568636.html Anti-atheist Backlash on R&R text You, the waiter in the castro...... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/589399345.html So there we were, coming in to eat at your establishment. You, my oh-so perfect little queen waitron were almost but not quite able to hide your dismay at this odd group of people. I mean, really, at least three of us were clearly from somewhere in the midwest. Given that three of us were also obviously dykes, or at least local weirdoes, you might have caught on that we were entertaining visitors. But no, you struggled masterfully, albeit unsuccessfully, to hide your disdain for our friends from Ohio. Your undertone snide comments were not unnoticed, my friend. Next time, make those comments while you're in the kitchen. Saying things like "you people are horrible" in a perky bright voice is bad form, to say the least. Fucking unforgivably rude is more like it. For your information, miss i'm-too-young-to-remember-the-plague-years, that ancient (over 50) woman from Ohio who ordered too much food and was loud and annoying to you comes out here to meet up with us because we took care of her son while he was dying a dozen years ago. The same son she drove to New York so he could attend the first year of Harvey Milk High. The same son she came out to once he was 16. The son who died a month before his 22nd birthday. She's been at the forefront of what passes for a gay rights movement in Ohio, and has stood up so that pathetic little twinks like you can walk down the street in your aberzombie and felch uniforms and hold hands. And even with what you acted like, she still tipped you 20%, because she remembers her son working in a similar restaurant, and his struggles with money. Next time someone who doesn't fit your personal tastes comes into your restaurant, perhaps you might try some compassion, or even just some human respect. Remember the word diversity? It applies to you and your tiny narrow mind as well.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: a broader perspective <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-27T19:51:48-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/589399345.html You, the waiter in the castro...... text Thanks, Mr.Hipster Record Store Clerk. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/588037045.html Dear Hipster Record Store Clerk, Thank you for judging me on the CD I bought yesterday. Our passive-aggressive altercation made me realize how conformist I am for buying an old Rage Against The Machine album. Your condescension was just the intellectual wake-up call I needed. I discovered a new me yesterday, and my eyes were opened in a new way. Thanks to you, I realize now that the key to enlightenment is reading Pitchfork, watching High Fidelity, listening to Velvet Underground, having a tattoo of a star on the inside of my wrist, growing an ironic mustache, living in the Mission, and wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70’s ski-vest, chunky plastic-frame glasses, a high school sports T-shirt, air-tight black jeans, and Nixon-era Chuck Taylors. I had it all wrong, man. You showed me that a skilled job and a comfortable living is just a lie. I need to go to art school, have my parents pay my rent, join a Joy Division-influenced band, and wait for a record deal, like you. I’m totally missing out in life. So thanks again for mocking me. I mean, at first I thought you were just a pathetic, frustrated musician trying to feel better about yourself. But now I see you’re an uncompromising visionary. No one will ever understand you. You’re so different. Signed, Everyone Not Like You  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-26T17:25:12-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/588037045.html Thanks, Mr.Hipster Record Store Clerk. text You: "There's a boy!"; Me: "Thank you"; 19th and Valencia. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/574663209.html Hiya. We just had that exchange (in the posting title) about thirty minutes ago. I was the guy with the short brown hair and beard wearing a Navy peacoat (how do you spell that?), and you were the girl who was trying to console her friend (I suspect) over the fact that all men had been seduced and yanked off the streets by the horror that is "Single Person's Awareness Day" (a.k.a. "Valentine's Something-or-Other"). I'd just like to say: HOLY BUCKETS ARE YOU CUTE. Like cute enough that thirty minutes later I'm posting here when I could be doing laundry, or making ravioli, or watching one of the many fine syndicated programs available nowadays. But, no, I'm posting for you. BUT WAIT. I am not a stalker (well, there's that ONE restraining order, but I'm so OVER that), creep, perv (well, not much, and in ways that are legal in most of the States in the Union), loon, drowning lonely soul, ex-felon or actuarial accountant. Allow me to provide a brief transcript of our meeting: (Hey, that Restraining Order thing was a joke. No, really) YOU: (pointing into that Mediterranean Place at 19th and Valencia): There's a boy! YOUR FRIEND: [inaudible - I can't hear for shit - let's assume it was Scripture, y'know, for giggles.] YOU: (pointing at ME): THERE'S A BOY! (emphasis added by me, because this is my post, that's why). ME: Thank you! You: SEE YOU ON MISSED CONNECTIONS. (emphasis added by me because - goddamn - if there was a better invitation for this than that, it would have to be - like - surreptitiously tatooing something on the back of my hand or on my forehead or something.) OH HO! Do you see my point? You literally called me out on this. So I reiterate: HOLY BUCKETS ARE YOU EVER CUTE. And I think (Q.E.D., see above) that I am not actually being creepy in posting this. So, if I'm not too ancient, or too much like someone who - uh, walks home at night - because that's approximately all you know about me, throw me a "hello". Also, if you're either engaged or married, if you don't think I could take your significant other in a fight, spare us both the headache (newsflash - I can't take him in a fight, not even if he's in an iron lung). p.s. Your pic gets several dozen coupons for approx. $.50 off of each bottle of Dasani OR Arrowhead Bottled Water (I have pics of myself, but, you know, the material can often be more enticing than the aesthetic). p.p.s. That last post-script was a complete lie, I don't think I've saved a single coupon for anything, and I apologize, but cruel children from my elementary school and indifferent parents left me with a feeling I have to overcompensate. Please forgive me. p.p.p.s.: Just so you know, my name is Scott. I just pathologically need to get that out of the way, because otherwise I might set myself on fire. No, seriously, that is such a hurdle for me.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-15T00:34:00-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/574663209.html You: "There's a boy!"; Me: "Thank you"; 19th and Valencia. - m4w text Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/540076210.html For Sale - beautiful pink "vagina couch" that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow at [deleted] or reply to posting. <img src="540076210.1.jpg"> <img src="540076210.2.jpg"> <img src="540076210.3.jpg">  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> This item has been posted by-owner. <li> Location: Mendocino, Northern Cal <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-15T11:46:40-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/540076210.html Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch text CROC HEAD IN DOLORES PARK (C4M) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/535102720.html U: WM, handsome, light beard Me: stiff, thin, green I was checking out the view from our spot in the bushes and saw you walking away. Wanted to shout to you but have no lower jaw or lungs. Would like to keep in touch, but mostly wanted to tell you I enjoyed our time together. hope you see this ad.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-10T17:00:36-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/535102720.html CROC HEAD IN DOLORES PARK (C4M) text Star Wars Guide to the Candidates http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/526482501.html <h3>Hello America! As you may know, 2008 is going to be a g-rate year. I am so excited! There is to be a presidential election this year! Hoo-ray! Exciting times, exciting times. And whoa... so confusing! So much talking, so much anal-yzing, so much research to do to be sure the person who wins your vote truly reflects your values and goals for the executive of this g-rate nation. Man, it's going to be tough. Well, this is for those of you who say "To heck with that!" and are more interested in voting for a candidate based on snap judgments and small pop culture sound bites. For those of you who think it might be fun to vote somewhat randomly and therefore completely obliterate the careful work of concerned and involved citizens... I mean really, look how Bush turned out... can you really expect these people to act predictably based on what they say in the election cycle? Heck no! So without further a-doo-doo, here is your </h3> <center> <h1>Mighty Rex Star Wars Guide to The Candidates</h1></center> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/mccain.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/vader1.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/mccain0508.jpg" style="width:150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>"My friends..."</center></td><td><center>"Luke...."</center></td><td><center>"JOIN ME!!"</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Darth McCain</h2></center><h3>I had to get this one out of the way right from the top, because I know some of you were thinking "Hey, Vader being a powerful black man..." but NO! You need to drop those stereotypes, mister! Obama isn't remotely like Vader, and besides, as we learned in Episode VI, Vader was a cracker! Heavily scarred by traumatic experiences, torture, manipulation, the 2000 Republican primaries... he has the reputation of a "maverick"... remember the arbitrary slaughter of Imperial officers? the offer to Luke to join him? <center><img src="star_wars/vadernluke.jpg" style="width:200px"></center> ...but Darth McCain ultimately serves the Emperor, voting with him almost every time. McCain could be redeemed someday, but only by succumbing to Force Lightning and tossing the Emperor into a pit... something he has thus far refused to do. Let's stay in Iraq... err... Tatooine... forever!</h3><center> <img src="star_wars/mccain_bush.jpg" style="width:150px"> <h1> onward! </h1> <table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/hansolo2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Edwards2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><img src="star_wars/edwards.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/HanSolo.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>J'han Solo</h2></center><h3>Umm... Edwards... ahhh, health care, faster withdrawal from Iraq than uhhh... didn't he play the president in Air Force One? ummm.... He'll stand up to the Hutt business interests... uhhhh... Goddamn, he's pretty. Quick, lock him in a sheet of Carbonite so I can hang him on my wall.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/AckbarStanding.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/richardson2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Admiral Akbar</center></td><td><center>Richardsomething</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Admiral Akbill</h2></center><h3>Man, I tell you what... you read Admiral Akbar's resume, take a look at his long career, his credentials, and it's amazingly clear how qualified he is to run a major government. What about his prescient snap evaluation... "It's a trap!" We sure could have used that in Iraq. Well-suited to command, noble, respected by his followers and his peers... but then, Akbar is from a place most people don't care about (Mon Calamari? Are you serious?) and looks vaguely ethnic... is he, I don't know... too fishy to be prez? Anyway, he deserves your vote. Who this Richardson cat is, I have no idea.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/rush-limbaugh.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Jabba.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Limbba the Hutt</h2> <h3>Oops, my bad, not a candidate. Sorry!</h3></center> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/giuliani2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/tarkin-1.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Ur Question?</center></td><td><center>Shh! 9/11!</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Grand Moff Giuliani</h2></center><h3>We need a president who has experience running a large, unwieldy government. Like the Empire. "Hey, they said it was unmanageable, ungovernable... a large majority wanted to leave and live somewhere else," his campaign ads say. Well, Giuliani certainly turned things around... he built the Death Star! "By the time I left office," he continues, "the Death Star was the best example of conservative government in the galaxy!" Some folks might disagree with his foreign policy, though, consisting as it does of pretty much blasting whole planets into rubble.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/gravel.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/chewbaccalg-785685.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Whobacca</h2></center><h3>Mrrrrrawwwwkkk!!!! Gronnnnkkkk!!! Mrran... wua ga ma uma ahuma ooma. "Whobacca?!?!"... GRONK! "Gravelbacca!!!" Hnn-rowr yrroonn nng rarrr!</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/romney.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/luke2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Mitt Skywalker</h2></center><h3>Not quite as pretty as J'han Solo. But pretty. Kind of like how Aragorn was never quite as pretty as Legolas, except different. Anyway, Mitt's biggest appeal is that he's the likeable doofus scampering around the galaxy in search of himself, always haunted by the spectre of his father. On the downside, he's so conflicted it's hard to know where his true allegiances lie... he's infatuated with his own twin sister, he listens to apparitions of old men, he preaches religious tolerance... but only for those who believe in The Force. Sort of gives the impression he's been knocked off his Tauntaun a few too many times.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/Luke.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Romney2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h1> onward! </h1> <table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/obama.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/leia3.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><img src="star_wars/leiaceremony.gif" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/barack-obama-2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Princess Leia Orbama of Alderaan, IL</h2></center><h3>A young idealist constantly criticized for her "inexperience", Senator Leia Orbama once faced down Lord Vader with "Darth Vader. Only you could be so bold... and so stupid." Pwned! Ultimately might make a good team with J'han Solo, if they can get past their differences of opinion. Orbama shows pragmatism, thoughtfulness, and excellent presentation at official ceremonies, and yet can be a ruthless tactician and even a commando when the sitch requires it. A long experience in grassroots organization (on Endor), and also, pretty.</h3> <center> <img src="star_wars/leiareclined.jpg" style="width:200px"> <h3>I cn haz Bootz. O yes.</h3> </center> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/wicket.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Huckabee.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Wicket</center></td><td><center>Huckabee</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Wicket Huckabee</h2></center><h3>Speaking of Endor, that sort of weird foresty place where the Ewoks frolic and enjoy each other's company, right-to-work laws, and a ban on gay marriage, who'd have ever thought Wicket, a Republican true believer in The Force, could ever have risen to lead such a traditionally Democratic tribe? I mean, it's inspirational that he lost 105 pounds (he only weighs about 45 now!) and plays the bass, but can you really imagine introducing him to the UN General Assembly? "Ladies and Gentlemen, President Wicket!" How ridiculous. I don't think so.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/biggs.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/DuncanHunter.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Virtually</center></td><td><center>Unknown</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Duncan Biggs Hunter Darklighter</h2></center><h3>Certainly the candidate with the most dramatic name, unfortunately this veteran congressman and member of the Armed Services Committee hates women and loves the unborn. Also known as "Red Three"; George Lucas doesn't really give us much more to go on, except for a vague homoerotic testimonial offered by Skywalker, who says (huskily) "We're a couple of shooting stars, Biggs, and we'll never be stopped." O rly? Seriously, look it up in the book... it's near the end.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/NuteGunray.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/ChrisDodd.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Nute Dodd-Gunray</h2></center><h3>Not to be confused with Newt Gunray, who isn't running, Nute Dodd-Gunray is primarily backed by the financial services industry, which he also just happens to regulate as chairman of the Trade Federation. <center> Hmmm. Interesting. </center>Did you know he also dated Carrie Fisher for a while? For realio. She dumped his ass.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/Paul.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/kenobi2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Paul2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/kenobi.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Obi-ron Paul-obi</h2></center><h3>Widely respected for his stubborn belief that the whole universe should be run just like his neighborhood on the backwater planet Tatooine, Obi-ron spends a lot of time wistfully remembering the Old Republic. He practices a peculiar interpretation of The Force, in which reducing government to only local control and returning to the gold standard is the answer. Obi-ron reluctantly returned the contributions of the Tusken Raiders and Jawas, whose politics of ethnic slaughter and droid slave trade he justifies as "states rights". While his anti-Empire foreign policy excites the Rebel Alliance, it's pretty much a Jedi mind trick. He's still a crazy old guy living in the desert.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/boba.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/thompson.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Le Fett</center></td><td><center>Le Fred</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Boba Fredtt</h2></center><h3>A fearsome enforcer for sale to the highest bidder, there's a reason they kept Boba Fredtt in the background and didn't let him talk for all that time. It turns out that when you give him a microphone and encourage him to take a bigger role, he's actually kind of dim and boring, even with a kick-ass spacesuit. Remember, when he was on Jabba's sand yacht, a temporarily blinded Solo whacked him with a stick, ignited his rocket pack, and sent him hurtling into the mouth of the Sarlacc monster. Hey, if Solo can humiliate him while blinded, do you really want him as your nominee? Embarrassing, right?</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/tancredo.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Greedo.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Douche</center></td><td><center>Bag</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Tom TanGreedo</h2><h3>Meh, TanGreedo was a xenophobic freak who got wiped out early. Don't need to worry about him.</h3></center> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/300px-dennis_kucinich_as_mayor_of_c.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/jar_jar_binks.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/dennis_kucinich1.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Jar Jar Kucinich</h2><h3>Nuff said. </h3></center> <h3>Okay, really unfair. But remember how the Gungans were sort of these peacenik bumbly guys who sent Jar Jar to represent them in the Republic Government and then he sort of inadvertently started the Clone Wars or something? Kucinich actually admitted to believing in UFOs, man. I mean, everyone believes, but you don't go around admitting it.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/C3PO.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Biden.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/c3po-1.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>SeeJoe Threepio</h2></center><h3>See, the funny thing about Cjoe3PO is that he'd probably make a pretty good leader. The Ewoks thought he was a god, remember? He's smart, informed, an excellent protocol droid, but he annoys the crap out of everyone because you can't shut him up. Still, he's been around since Episode I and looks pretty impressive when he gets all shined up. We could do worse. And what would be more kick-ass than Vice President Artoo? A mega-improvement, I'm just sayin'.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/HillaryClinton.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/lando.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Hillando Clintrissian</h2></center><h3>Here's the thing. The Millenium Falcon was hers to begin with. She only lost it to Bill on a bet. Then she got caught up in that whole Cloud City thing in the Bespin system, which proved she could govern, I guess, but she's kinda hoping you won't remember that she totally sold out the Rebels to Darth Vader. That's how J'han Solo wound up encased in Carbonite and Leia ended up in a bikini on a chain. Hmmm. Actually, not so bad! And Hillando did do some nifty piloting against the New and Improved Death Star. Didn't she also record "Caribbean Queen (No More Love On The Run)"? <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/hillarystaff.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Hillary.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> The thing that scares me is when you talk to her staff, they're like totally dedicated, but kinda scary. Everybody says how Hillando demands their loyalty and efficiency. All we all going to end up being taken over by our Bluetooths? Isn't this getting a little close to Borg territory, which would be a radically different story? Hillando... I just don't know. </center> <h3> Well, that pretty much wraps it up from here. Unfortunately, my favorite candidate isn't running. <center> "Do or do not... there is no try." "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." "Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things." "Named must your fear be before banish it you can." </h3> <center><img src="star_wars/yoda.jpg"> <h1>Vote.</h1> </center>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-02T17:05:05-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/526482501.html Star Wars Guide to the Candidates text Confessions of a BART Fartist - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/521082131.html If V is for Vendetta, F is for Fartist. The first part of the word is “fart” for the act of firing bacteria created air and poo particles at an incredible speed. Everyone one does it, and it has been proven that farts bring joy, yet they are taboo in public. The second part of the word is “artist” because that is what I am. Much like Picasso wielded a paint and easel, I have the ability to practically fart on command and have perfected the ventriloquist and ricochet methods which allow me to strike with devastating accuracy from cover much like a highly trained sniper. My main hunting grounds are the mean streets of BART, which I am forced to endure twice a day for half an hour at a time. Many people from other places tell me that BART is great or some similar shit, but anyone who rides it daily like me knows that it sucks. To pay $10 a day for the right to park and ride to and from work is excruciating, especially on the way home when I think about paying to stand on a packed train with a bunch of self absorbed aholes. But I must give BART some credit, for they launched my career as the most lethal vigilante in history. Here is a list of some of the victims and the methods with which they were punished: Mr. Read the newspaper to his wife on speaker phone guy: You are on the top of the list for one reason and one reason only; you are without a doubt the biggest asshole in history. Who sits there and yells on speaker phone and reads stories about an axe murderer to his wife during rush hour (in the elderly and handicapped seat no less)? You do. I fought for almost two minutes, desperately pumping the volume up button on my iPod trying to block out your transgressions. My career as a fartist started then, my ignorant self absorbed friend, and you were treated to turkey chili con queso. Oooooh it was hot and wet when I crop dusted you, how did it smell? Call your wife and tell her about it. Ms. Lower her shoulder and cram her way on to a way too packed train lady: I could not believe you were actually going to try to cram your way on to our way too packed train, but you sealed the deal when you lowered your shoulder and repeatedly rammed your way into the crowded mass of frustrated passengers. It took me a stop or two, but slowly I was able to back my tight buttocks right up to within 2 feet of your short ugly face. I used the silencer once again but you bathed in it. When you cried, “Oh god, who farted?” I was crying I was laughing so hard. Two teenage girls talking about sex and two teenage guys talking about taking drugs and driving: You have no idea how stupid you sound talking about subjects like that on a silent BART train during the afternoon commute. I saw one lady actually get up and move away because your conversation was so inane and ignorant. Bonus points for the one girl saying she prefers wine and salmon to a beer and burger now, I can’t tell you how impressed we all were with you. The woman behind you who rolled her eyes and slumped in her seat wanted more of your tips on living the high life for sure. And guys, I’m not sure what drug exactly you were talking about taking and then driving on the freeway but I just hope you don’t take anyone with you when you earn your Darwin Awards. I approached smiling, appearing to be heading for the exit, utterly forgettable in my everyday Dockers with polar fleece pullover. You were all sitting together in the “quad” chairs that face each other and no one else was around you for obvious reasons. The ambient noise from the tunnel meant I was able to really make you shiver when I delivered, I am actually shocked that a burnt hole wasn’t left in the back of my pants. It was one of my fall specials, a preseason pumpkin fart that smells for five minutes. By the time you realized what was happening I was doubled over laughing on the escalator in the station, I hope my gas taught you something valuable. Silence is golden. Next time, more victims and a discussion over which came first – the need to fart or the elevator.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-27T16:55:07-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/521082131.html Confessions of a BART Fartist - m4w text Dear Internet Porn http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/518589816.html Dear Internet Porn, These last ten years have been quite a trip, have they not? My letter to you now, however, is not one of celebration... I don't feel like we are the same anymore. We just don't have that passion we used to. When we first met I was a loser, and you were there for me. My parents told me that you were no good for me, but I didn't listen. You showed me that there were plenty of people like myself getting laid. It was beautiful and passionate. Your softcore erotic videos were a tasteful introduction to my budding sexuality. As I got older I started seeing girls on the side. I knew you were jealous, but you have always held a special place in my heart. You became naughtier and it affected my relationships. I started wanting all the things I had seen you do. I wanted to be just like you. I wanted to cover my girlfriend's face, put it up her ass, choke her. But that's when I realized your dark secret, Internet Porn. You aren't real: you are a fake and shallow individual. No girl wants a load on her face! Anal sex hurts and humiliates, and choking only leads to bruises that friends and loved ones ask about. You lied to me and changed my sexual expectations. Now no girl can please me. I know it isn't all bad. You've taught me so much. I can surf the internet with either hand and I know all the keyboard shortcuts for my browser. I know positions that aren't even in the Kamasutra. But you have such a dark side. I've been late for work more than once and I find myself wanting to jerkoff at six in the morning. That's what you've done to me. Even now, on the eve of Christ's birth, I sit hunched over my computer, penis in hand. I had to turn the nativity scene around so that Jesus wouldn't see your filth. Try as I might, I can never hide you well enough either. It is harder to find you squirreled away on my hard drive than it is to get into my online bank account. Yet there is always lingering evidence. I've told you time and again to stop leaving your things at my place. But you ALWAYS forget something: a shortcut here, an unclear history there. There's no acceptance when you are discovered either. It might have been ok when we started - just innocent flirting with softcore. But now my girlfriends discover my asphyxiation collection, or that one goat video. I hate that you always invite your shadiest friends over when you come. So I have one request. I know I can't get rid of you... you are the psychopathic stalker to my teenage horror film. But if you won't leave me alone, can you at least do me one favor? If I ever die, can you please format my hard drive? All of them? If you can't do that, just burn my place down. My family can never know of my shame. - Your shamed lover  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-24T10:54:56-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/518589816.html Dear Internet Porn text Hot zombie sex roleplay - t4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/497575004.html I am *so* serious. Sex has become so boring! For a while, I was having sex at the Power Exchange, because that was fun -- I could mix things up, I could do it in public, and I could have an audience! It was like putting on a show for everyone else, and I got to be the star! Unfortunately, lately we've gone into re-runs, and I'm just not having fun anymore. Let's go to the Power Exchange together. Let's go to the Power Exchange together and roleplay. Let's go to the Power Exchange together and roleplay HOT ZOMBIE SEX. I mean it. I know it sounds really ridiculous, but I've always loved zombies and the undead, and I've always loved sex, so I want to mix the two. Additionally, I've seen (and am friends with) some really cute zombie girls, and I could really enjoy the mix of horror, terror, shock value in others, and, y'know. Sex. I'll dress up like an office professional or something like that, in some clothes I don't care about, and pretend to be doing some work in an office or something. Maybe then I'll listen to a prop radio and look shocked, act scared, peer out a mimed window or something, and then you batter on the door. And batter, and batter, and push -- and break in! And I let out a blood-curdling shriek, and you lunge at me and rip my clothes apart and splatter fake blood all over me (we'll use a tarp on the floor, to be polite), and proceed to savagely violate me. Or something like that -- I'm not really tied to that exact SCENE, but I think something that goes that way would be fun. Requirements: Be attractive -- sorry, I know, an attractive zombie, but it's possible. HWP, at the very least. Know how to *act like a zombie*. I am specifically looking for someone with *zombie experience*. In San Francisco, I don't think this is asking a lot. Be able to *look like a zombie*. This means dressing the part and knowing how to appropriately do your makeup. Don't be shy. You're going to be dressed like a zombie and growling and groaning and spattering fake blood and all else everywhere. In public. To an audience that may not even be that into it (but I bet they will be!) I'm *not* posting pictures of me this go round for obvious reasons, but if you mail me you're of course welcome to a ton. I'm very pretty. About me: 5'6-5'7", 124#, non-smoker. Red hair, blue eyes, glasses, 32D. Anything else, ask. I am *so* into this idea. I am primarily looking for a *FEMALE*. Males will be *considered*, but are not really what I'm up for. If you are, however, a *zombie couple*, that's acceptable. To that end: t4m t4mw I'm really looking forward to hearing from someone.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-03T13:00:10-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/497575004.html Hot zombie sex roleplay - t4w text seeking a roommate http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/488537774.html Hello, I am seeking out a roommate. I've had several the past 3 months that did not work out so well and am hoping to find "the perfect housemate." I think it can be done! 1. I am a plastic surgeon, single straight male, and am wealthy but rather lonely. I could keep this house to myself, and have for about a year, but I've realised that life is much better when it's shared with people who are conscious (as opposed to my clients and my nursing staff!). (This is not to say that my nursing staff is unconscious - obviously they are not! It's just very difficult to become friends with a staff that is somewhat dubious of my methods. I'm no rogue, but I do have Eastern-influenced techniques that some find odd and/or disconcerting - but I do have a 99% success rate! In any case, it doesn't make much sense to mix business and pleasure.) 2. I do have a dog, Basil Ironweed (yes that is his name, people seem to be confused that I have given him a full name like a person and some kind of laugh, but I assure you I take my dog very seriously and treat him with respect, and I ask that you do the same). It would actually be ideal if you have a female dog of pure pedigree (I'd need to see the papers though, for breeding purposes) and I'd prefer her to be a medium-sized dog (I will consider most breeds except absolutely no Australian Kelpies and no American Water Spaniels, please! The colouring of the mating dogs' possible kin would be horrendous if this were the case! Also, Basil is a Border Collie in case you were wondering!) If you do not have a dog, that is also fine. All other pets will be considered except: no cats unless they are of the outdoor variety, no arthropods, and all avians must be salmonella-free, clipped toenails, and tagged. 3. My house has only a one-car garage. It used to be a two-car one, but I decided to convert half of it into a micro-personal gym as I am rather health conscious. (I do have a gym membership, but my gym is not 24-hour, and sometimes at night I really need to get on the bowflex to burn off some of my energy since I have a lot of it! Also, after meals it's inconvenient for me to run off to the gym, and that is why I need one at my disposal. The gym membership is because they have a pool there, and swimming is really good for the joints. Just in case you were wondering.) That said, you'll have to use street parking, but I assure you that my neighborhood is quiet and safe, and there is usually a spot right out in front of my house! (The only time the spot is taken is when the lunch truck comes for the construction workers that are on the corner of my street. It only sits there for about 20 minutes between 1 and 2 pm during the week, depending on how chatty the boys are that day.) Anyways, I have a few rules that need to be followed, but other than that, we should get along fine! I request that you listen to all music via headphones. I have mild tinnitus and the sounds from most Hi-Fi equipment sans headphones really irriate me. I am open to discussing music, but sadly we cannot directly share it as my ears can't handle rapidly changing frequencies. (If you'd like to share lyrics, I'd be more than delighted to oblige!) If you are going to cook, please do not use the following spices: curries, paprika, anything Cajun, and dill. The smells of these things turns my stomach. (If you have any scents that you'd like to avoid, by all means let me know and I'll do you the same honour.) You must brush your teeth at least twice a day. If there is anything I cannot stand it's filthy teeth. (Believe me, I've had a couple roommates who just could not handle this simple routine - your gingiva may not mind, but I certainly DO.) If you are going to watch tv, please let me know in advance which programs you'd like to watch. I do have TiVo, by the by, and I have certain shows that I simply must watch when they originally air. I cannot be too flexible with this because I cannot stand to wait to see my programs. You have to understand that I simply have to watch them when they originally air or I will get a little batty. Most of my programs are on public broadcasting and do not tend to run during prime-time spots. I do not appreciate unannounced house-guests. I need to know at least two days in advance that company is coming - I need to know the duration of the stay, and the nature of the visit. But, I am open to any and all visitors, I just need to know the specifics involved. I have reduced rent drastically because I realise that some of my requests might seem slightly stringent. I will pay the bulk of the rent in exchange for your understanding, your commitment to the house, and your humouring of my quirks. You must be ok with my upholstery hobby. On every third Tuesday of the month I request that you vacate the house between the hours of 4 pm - 11:45pm while I upholster various pieces of antique furniture. I am a perfectionist and require complete silence in the house. I've tried this with housemates who've promised to stay in their rooms, but this proved impossible as bathroom habits demand a regular schedule that interrupts my artisan work. That said, I will give you a small stipend on these days if it will assist you in finding something to do with that block of time. No newspapers or magazines. The ink gets everywhere and the gloss irritates my eyes. Sorry! You are free to read them on the front porch, but they must be stored outside of the house (perhaps in your car?) This is not to sound discriminating, but, if you speak either French, Urdu, or Afrikaans, I kindly request that you not speak them in my vicinity as the cadences used in these languages are grating to the ears and nerves, for me. I have fresh produce delivered from an undisclosed location to my home every Wednesday afternoon. Please do not purchase fruits or vegetables and bring them home. You can request any that you desire and I will add them to my order queue. (I am fastidious about potential-GM produce and pesticide usage - I will not tolerate either!) Also, if you insist on preparing red meat dishes in the home, do cook the meat thoroughly. IT MUST SIZZLE. No cellphone tones in my home! Please use silent mode only! You are not to use paints in the home. The noxious odours will aggravate my allergies! That's the summary of my requests! I do actually have a handbook which I will provide for your perusal during our interview (yes, there will be an interview for final-stage candidates) that outlines all of my more particular requests. If you are interested, please email me the following information: 1. Name 2. Occupation 3. Age 4. Allergies 5. Favourite author Cheers!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-24T20:57:45-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/488537774.html seeking a roommate text Rage Against The Vending Machine http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/477887403.html Dear Designated Outside Contractor Food Supplier: I must give you high marks for the excellent selection of above-average foodstuffs in our cafeteria. The portions are sensible, the service is wonderful, and the prices generally reasonable, except when it comes to snacky bits. $1.25 is not market rate for a bag of M&Ms. A brace of PopTarts at $1.29 is overpriced by almost 40%. This sort of madness drives me to our building's vending machine emporia... which in turn are driving me to madness, and to authorship of this screed. Who is the crack-smoking numbnuts incapable of competent repetition in the maintenance of a vending machine? I'm not talking about keeping the damn things online (although the snack vendy just around the corner from the cafeteria is suspiciously "out of service" frequently). I'm also not complaining about the slings and arrows of outrageous Fort.: the bag of chips stuck against the glass, the HoHos clinging, mockingly, to the wire spool exp'lled them. These are merely the manifestations of bad karma which we all experience, the dark cloud which only reveals its silver lining when additional coins are inserted to knock free said HoHos with the resounding thunk of a descending MilkyWay bar. Satisfaction, and twice the snacks. No, my complaint, thunderous, and my indignation, righteous, is aimed at the methadone sampler whose job is simply to restock the machine with snacky bits and change. Let us start with the change, for as everyone knows, change is good. If it were me, which it is not, I would value every snack in multiples of 25 cents. Acknowledging that candy prices have risen ridiculously since I was a lad*, surely chips could be 50 cents, candy bars 75, and the Big Hangover Cures (PopTarts, Pound Cake, Danish) a dollar. This sort of price management would mean Quarters-only change. The US Quarter-Dollar being the only reasonably sized and weighted coin o' th' realm, it makes sense to only stock the change mechanism thusly. But no. This being The Big Fancy City, you will have your premium, won't you? 85-cent candy bars. Now you have to involve dimes and nickels... hell, why not just invite the pennies? Or do you have a problem with coins of color? Having all this Numismatic Affirmative Action going on just results in a bloated system* filled with jams and errors. Many times I have found the vendy on the second floor demanding exact change. Many times I have been so craving a Twix that I have crammed in a dollar bill, here, take it you fiend, keep the extra 15 cents, it's worth it! And been denied. Then there's the fifth floor vendy, which simply lets the dimes fall through, like a hot lesbian sitting alone in a bar. "Nope," says fifth floor vendy, "you can go. My candy is not even for sale." And that's even assuming the stupid labels are right. I've noticed they're on a little wheel... so that your Depleted Uranium Cranium simply has to turn the price to match the price programmed into the machine. Why then, do the vending machines take on a slot machine air when I buy my Butterfingers? Why is the price 85 cents on one day, and 95 cents on another? Sure, one day it was 45 cents, but that was the day I helped the old lady cross the street AND I think someone else just forgot their change. Probably because they were injured bashing their skull into the glass in frustration. While I'm discussing labels, why is the burden on me to determine the row and number of my selection? The cafeteria machine, you know, the one that rarely works? Several of the labels are missing... specifically E3, F5, and H0. And why is there a "zero" column, anyway? Are you planning a Vending Expansion that will jeopardize your supply of positive whole numbers? Or are you just showing off your integers, but think negatives would be audacious? The fifth floor vendy even has some labels misapplied. Yes, I should be able to deduce F3's position between F2 and F4, but it has a E3 sticker on it and goddamn it, I eat out of vending machines... I'm probably hungover and need coffee. Throw me a fucking bone! There is nothing less savage than spending your last 85 (?) cents on a 3Musketeers, only to be rewarded with Good N Plenty. Why does bottled water cost more than soda? Isn't water a component of soda? Doesn't it cost more to process that water, add cancerous qualities and caramel color to it, and bottle it under pressure? Whither the price of sugar? Doth it not be high?* Hey, you vendy stocker that puts the "GED" in "Moron", does it occur to you that the reason the Reese's PB Cups sold out so fast is because people like them??? Did they not teach you that in the late-night infomercial? Replacing them with Nature's Own Laxative Bar will, in fact, mean you have less stock work to do, but it rather defeats the purpose. Show a little initiative! Get on the five-year plan! Cripes! Finally, O Ye Who Vend, I verily say WTF about the four (four!) "chilled candy machines" on various floors and in various hidey-spots. First of all, those machines use double the energy, 24/7, of the old-school glass-windowed pinball-machine vendors, just to keep it chill, yo. Second of all, there isn't a window, so I can't see for myself what you're out of... I have to wait for you to dis me with "MAKE ANOTHER SELECTION". Third of all, now all of a sudden you want a full dollar for those M&Ms... that's like 3 cents an M! And fourth of all, chilling candy bars makes them taste nasty, asshat. It's probably the nougatty chemicals or the separating cocoa butter or whatever, but it's serious desperation time when I cough up a dollar for crappy crap food. And don't just advise me to eat the chilled Skittles instead. Skittles were never meant to be jawbreakers. I could load those things into my Colt and pop a Skittle in yo ass. Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the Headquarters Building. There is a bar to be met here, and I'm not talking about the one in the management lounge. Let's get it in gear and raise efficacy in unattended snack deployment to acceptable levels. Someone could get hurt. * A problem that will no doubt be solved when Ron Paul becomes president and we return to the gold standard.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-13T13:50:52-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/477887403.html Rage Against The Vending Machine text Superstars of San Francisco http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/473136687.html Guy who pretends to be blind Walks around all day with sunglasses and a white tipped cane, but I've seen him at 4am buying dope on Leavenworth and reading a newspaper. I know it is the same person- he wears a really dirty 49ers jacket and pj pants. He is not blind. I don't get it. Woman with fish I was walking behind her and I smelled fish. Not necessarily rotting fish, but definitely fish. When we got to the intersection I saw that she had a bunch of whole fish strung around her neck. I want to be classy too. Toothbrush woman Today she was sitting outside the Hall of Justice at about 2-2:30 pm brushing her teeth with an electric toothbrush. When I unlocked my bike and walked past I saw that she was dipping the toothbrush into a bottle of nailpolish remover. What the FUCK?! Teenage girl with boyfriend on a dog leash On the 30 early in the morning I have twice seen the girl (age 15 or 16) sitting with her boyfriend. Normally I would think "aw, what a nice looking highschool couple" Except that the boyfriend had a red dog collar around his neck, and the girl was holding the end of the chain leash. Does anyone else think this is scary? Shower puff woman Homeless woman in north beach with many plastic shower loofahs adorning her hair. Giant baby carraige fetish Guy pushing around his lover (?) in a giant baby carraige in soma. The man sitting in the stroller was wearing a diaper. I'm not even joking a little bit. Come on, no one wants to see that. Man with wrinkled anus tattoo This guy was shirtless and had what from a distance looked like a huge back piece of a hot chick with a thong on. When we got closer we realized she was spreading her cheeks and her bumhole had been rendered in stunning detail. Peeface Peeface is a name my friend gave to the guy who sleeps outside her building. She and her boyfriend have both seen this fascinating ritual performed: When most people wash their faces they use some sort of cleansing material and water. When this guy wakes up, one of the first things he does is pee in a bottle and then ceremoniously douse his bald head and face in piss. Now you know how it is possible for people to reek so strongly of urine. They bathe in it. This is a missed connection with things that don't baffle me.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-08T16:19:05-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/473136687.html Superstars of San Francisco text Open letter to Berkeley tree-sitters http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/466281874.html Dear Berkeley tree-sitters, Let me begin by stating that I like trees. Some of my best friends are trees and I generally support the peaceful coexistence of humans and trees. Similarly, I worry about carbon dioxide emissions and their impact on global climate. I also work on the UC Berkeley campus, and I often walk or ride along Piedmont Ave. on my way to or from work. Thus, I encounter your encampment on a near-daily basis. I see your slogans chalked on the sidewalks. I see your Tibetan prayer flags. I pass through clouds of your collective body odor and exhaled marijuana smoke. Having observed your actions for quite some time now, sometimes I wonder if you've ever considered just how much damage you're doing to legitimate pro-environment, pro-leftist movements everywhere. Let us examine a few key points that may help you understand why your effort to save the oak grove manages to be futile, ridiculous, ignorant, destructive, and offensive all at the same time: (1) Consider what you are fighting for. How many trees does UC intend to destroy for its construction project? (Answer: 38). Is the coast live oak an endangered or threatened species? (Answer: No). Will the removal of these individual trees have any significant impact on the health of the overall population of the species? (Answer: No). Consider how many collective man-hours your campaign has devoted to saving these trees. Has it occurred to you that your time may be better spent focusing on (for example) the huge swaths of the Amazon that are cut down by loggers and developers every day? Are you choosing to protect 38 trees because you really think it is a significant, meaningful cause? I hope not--because that would be ignorant. It seems much more likely that you choose this battle because it is relatively convenient and riskless. Honestly--why don't you sac up and take on a *real* environmental offender? (2) Consider your conduct. Do you intend to win the hearts and minds of the people with catch-phrases like "Guantanamo Berkeley" chalked on the sidewalks? Do you really think you have anything in common with the prisoners currently incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay? Perhaps in a momentary flash of sobriety, one of you will realize just how offensive it is to draw a comparison between your fenced-in encampment and an actual prison. (3) Consider the backlash of your actions. You are the source and embodiment of all negative stereotypes that conservatives hold against liberals. If you're going to stage a protest, are you capable of doing it in a dignified, respectable manner? Hint: smoking drugs in the trees does not exude dignity. Also, consider periodic showers. Rather than winning popular support from pedestrians who encounter your encampment, you are actually contributing to their mistrust and ire toward environmentalists. Perhaps you are Republicans dressed up as hippies deliberately trying to damage public opinion of the left? (4) Consider your hypocrisy. Is that your 60's-era VW minibus parked next to the "Stop driving" message chalked on the sidewalk? Do you know what the gas-mileage on that thing is? (Answer: ~14-18 mpg) Have you considered investing in a catalytic converter? Perhaps you are also the same people who spray-paint "driving" on all the stop signs in Berkeley. Do you think your graffiti will trigger a massive, group epiphany in passing motorists and cause them to suddenly abandon the automobile as a mode of transportation? In reality, your graffiti (and your very presence) only detracts from the natural beauty of this campus and the surrounding town. In summary, do not think for a moment that you exist under a shield of popular support. You are wasting your time on a futile, meaningless cause. If you're going continue living outdoors and imparting your naïve views on pedestrians, I suggest that you move your operation to People's Park (or perhaps the sidewalk of Shattuck Ave) where you can peacefully co-exist with the rest of Berkeley's hobos. Go home. We're sick of you guys.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-01T16:28:36-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/466281874.html Open letter to Berkeley tree-sitters text An open letter from your tanning salon owner http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/466220563.html Okay, I am going to start this rant out by admitting a few things that you are probably already thinking. I know tanning is vain. I know that by owning a tanning salon I am probably thought of as a vacuous and plastic vanity Barbie who doesn’t know her ass from a “reality” special on VH1. I used to feel the same way. Incidentally, this is not true, I am an intelligent college graduate who enjoys being her own boss and lucked in to a successful business that was already well established when I bought it. That being said, I have a number of things and people that I would like to address, and I think I will start with the obvious. 1. To the people who tell me I’m peddling cancer, okay, I get that. I’ve never claimed that tanning is safe, or good for you, except when I say that a little vitamin d is healthy every once in awhile, and can really help with things such as psoriasis and seasonal affective disorder. Now that we know my feelings on the safety of my product, let me just say thank you to people who feel the need to come up and shout it in my face on a daily basis. Thank you falling down drunk girl with coke rimming your nostrils and a flaming Marlboro Red in your hand. Thank you for pointing out how dangerous tanning is. I can see you are doing everything in your power to ensure your future health. And I applaud you for it. 2. To the girl who came in to the salon with a yeast infection. I get it. I know from personal experience that the doctor told you that exposure to sunlight would help heal your little condition more quickly. I even get why you wanted to come to the tanning salon to get that exposure. It can be hard to find places to sun your naked beaver, what with nosy neighbors and public indecency laws, and I actually find your method to be rather reasonable. What I don’t, however, understand is why you decided to bring your box of Monistat 7 into the salon with you, and then leave it in full view, applicator and all, on top of the garbage in the can. Really? This didn’t seem a tad embarrassing to you? I mean didn’t you think I would notice these rather obvious, not to mention disgustingly offensive objects resting atop a mountain of baby wipes? Objects which were not there after previous clients who used that bed that day, making it glaringly obvious that you were the culprit? Could you not have perhaps, oh I don’t know, packed your trash? Or maybe wrapped them up in said baby wipes to hide them? Or at least shoved them under the other trash so I wouldn’t have to conjure up a visual of your leaking, itchy vagina shoved up towards the nice clean acrylic of my bed? Just a thought. 3a: To the people who want to bring someone in the room with them when they are tanning. Wait, what? Are you so insecure that you can’t even be alone in this strangely compromising situation? First off it’s totally illegal, and secondly it is dangerous. You may be wearing protective eyewear, but chances are your “guest” is not. Plus, I don’t really need a couple in the room together. I don’t want to hear it and I don’t want my other customers to think this place doubles as a brothel. I know, I know, I’m such a bitch, but I’m sure you understand. Oh you don’t? You are going to go somewhere else? Well good riddance to you then. Try the whorehouse at the edge of town. They actually encourage this type of behavior. 3b: Okay, I didn’t mean to have two sections to this problem, but I think that the story I’m about to tell you warrants it’s own paragraph. To the woman who brought her six-month-old child in and wanted to take her in the room with her while she tanned. WTF? Of course I understand that you are not going to actually “Put her in the bed with you”, as you so eloquently put it, but that is not a safe place for a child. Do you really think she will close her eyes the whole time she is in there? Do you really think that will help? There is a lot of ambient light that escapes the bed, and I don’t think you want to burn your child’s retinas. Now I really didn’t want to have to baby-sit your kid while you were in there, but I will in a situation like this, and you will be fucking lucky if she hasn’t been turned over to child protective services by the time your fifteen minutes are up. Fuck. P.S., thanks for fucking changing her diaper in the room and then throwing that shitty thing in the tiny garbage can. I understand that the dumpster outside is all of twenty feet away, and a real nuisance to get to. So by all means, just leave it in there to stink the joint up and don’t bother to mention it to me at all. At least you had the brains to bury it under the other garbage unlike some fuckwads. XOXO. 4. To the person who peed in the garbage can in the room. OMG. Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t even really know how to start on this one. I know what it’s like to have to go really bad, I do. I don’t think there is a person in this world that doesn’t. And I understand that you are naked and in the middle of your tanning session and don’t really want to get dressed, turn the bed off, run to the toilet and then have to get undressed and resume your tanning session. But seriously? Wouldn’t that be preferable to pissing in my trashcan? I mean, the room is tiny and so is the can, and I don’t even know how you pulled off such a logistically challenging feat in the first place. And I get that we were busy that day, and maybe you thought I wouldn’t notice or know who you are, but there were only two of you in there on that particular day, and now I feel weird when either one of you comes in. And trust me, I know it was embarrassing for you, and therefore you couldn’t explain to me what you had done, but imagine how I felt when I went to dump the can into another and ended up with pee all over my hands, arms and carpet. I cried for a long time. And luckily some sweet young kid came in at just that moment and took care of the situation for me out of the goodness of his heart because he felt so sorry for me, or else I might have tracked you both down and tortured you until I found out who did it. And then peed on you. Oh, and to my friends who tried to convince me it was just Mountain Dew. It wasn’t. Being drenched in someone else’s pee is a memorable and rare experience, and the sweet young guy and myself are both positive that it was, in fact, urine. So thanks for that. 5. To the people who come in wearing an outfit and leave missing a part of it, wtf? How do you enter a place wearing two socks and leave with only one? Aren’t you like, “wait, my one foot is cold and I’m not sure why”? And why is it always the most disgustingly dirty and rank sock in the whole world? And why should I have to touch it to throw it in the garbage? And how in the world did you manage to not notice it sitting in the middle of the room when you gathered up your stuff to leave? My favorite was the girl who left her sports bra here, that was a fun one to deal with. And the underwear in the garbage can? Classy, and enjoyable. Thanks. Much appreciated. 6. To the new guy that signed up for his first time, and when I tried to put him in the front room insisted that he really likes the one in the back. The far back, furthest away from the main lobby. Do you really think you don’t instantly stand out as a pervert? And thanks for the animal noises that were emanating from your room the entire time. I went ahead and had one of the boys next door come over and wait with me until you left. We had a good time making fun of you and letting everyone else in the parking lot know what you were doing while you were in there. Yep, that’s why so many people were standing around staring at you when you left. I was not however, stoked on having to clean up the bed after you left. I took extra towels in, careful not to touch the one you had “used”, and then threw them all away immediately after cleaning the bed. To you, hairy, disgusting man who likes to masturbate in tanning salons, I have only one true thanks to give you. Thanks for never coming back again. I would have felt the need to call the police on you. And that wouldn’t have been fun for any of us. 7. Finally, to the fake, pretentious So-Cal sluts that come in looking every bit the embodiment of a true tanning aficionado, thanks for acting like such a cunt to me. Thanks for pointing out that I am not that tan, and that I don’t look the part of a tanning salon owner, and that my jeans are ripped, that I have dark hair-not skanky platinum blonde, or fake tits, or I’m reading a book that wasn’t assigned to me in class, or I’m knitting, or whatever, non-shopping/tanning/getting my hair or nails done/texting about how drunk and slutty I got the night before at the bar thing you think a tanning salon owner should be doing. Thanks. You are a delight to serve, with your ugly designer bag with some stupid letters on it that cost more than my car, your bitchy, hair flipping attitude, your demandingness, your condescension, your eye-rolling, all of it. Just thanks. Stop for a minute and realize that just because I work here it is not my life. It is a job, and a rather thankless one at times. And people like you are the cause of that. If you don’t like it, go somewhere else where they do fit the bill and will give you the same attitude back. Cuz my friends and me are already laughing at you anyway, and it really doesn’t make a difference to me. Leatherface. Muah.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: the bed <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-01T15:11:29-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/466220563.html An open letter from your tanning salon owner text Adventurous Living in Small 1 br/ba on a Construction Site http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/450934913.html Small 1 br on a construction site. Believe it or not, it comes with a small bath, too! Also -- very little closet space, which is perfect for those of you who think a small 1 br is too big! Work begins every morning at 7 a.m. Well, somedays, they begin at 6:30 a.m. There is a lot of dust and falling debris. Don't worry though. They finally posted the note that this is a lead project, so you can go down the street to the friendly people at Cole Hardware and get yourself one of those trendy masks and a new copy of Boggle. I suppose I should disclose there's a lot of noise right now. Diesel-fueled tar furnaces and cement mixers. The usual. Damn! My conscience is telling me to tell you to be prepared for the work crews. The overseers seem to round up a new bunch every day. Invariably, though, they act as if they are working on an abandoned building. They like to yell everything -- like how drunk they were last night, and who they wished they had scored with, and the like. Good to know what's on their mind, though, because these are the same guys you'll notice peeping through your bathroom window. That is, when your windows are not enclosed in plastic and taped shut. (Don't worry though. I've only noticed them lingering when I'm taking a shower or a sh*t. YMMV.) Let's see: scaffolding shrowds the apartment in darkness and creates a risk that prowlers can circumvent security. But they broke the front gate, too, so ... well .... Parking: street parking in front of the building is reserved for the contruction crew, but you might be able to find parking several blocks away. (It's about time you get some exercise, right?) Only poor, misleading estimates on when this project will end. I suppose you'll know they are finally done when the cost of this reconstruction is passed through to you in the form of a rent increase.   Frederick at Masonic   <a target="_new" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+Frederick+at+Masonic+San+Francisco+CA+US">google map</a>   <a target="_new" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=Frederick+at+Masonic&csz=San+Francisco+CA&country=US">yahoo map</a><ul class="blurbs"> <li> cats are OK- purrr <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-16T12:50:39-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/450934913.html Adventurous Living in Small 1 br/ba on a Construction Site text You're not looking for them, but I found your two dogs. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/398534694.html Sigh. No one is looking for these guys. And I see why. They hump everything in sight, try to dominate our old doggies, try to eat our cats and pee on everything and bark at everything. Neurotic, lick constantly. They know no commands, either in English or Spanish. They are aggressive and probably lived in a puppy mill. You dumped them, probably, and we picked them up before they were killed by traffic. Unneutered, no tags, under 1 year old small males. I hate you, person who dumped these dogs. There are no lost ads on phone poles, no lost ad on Craig's list, no lost ad in the paper. We put signs up all over, put a found notice in at the local pounds and if you were looking for these filthy little ragamuffins, you would have found them. We are afraid to take them to the pound because under stress, your dogs were snappy and horribly afraid and dogs are judged by temperment for adoption placement. They would not have passed that test. However..... They are, under their filth, mats and horrible habits, adorable. They have learned "Quiet," "Come," "Sit." They have stopped being so neurotic and we have broken most of their bad habits in just a few days. They are smart and sweet and are looking for guidance and WANT to be good little dogs. One is a purebred little white and buff guy with an underbite, the other is a brown little dog that looks almost exactly like a miniture version of a larger breed dog. They know each other and were obviously (by the same bad habits) raised (poorly) together. We will get them neutered, train them and get them into a good, loving home with people who use the brains God gave them. If these are your dogs, come on by, I'd like to kick your ass.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-16T10:19:55-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/398534694.html You're not looking for them, but I found your two dogs. text Take me in the weeds http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/397398685.html My dearest Casual Encounter, We met on Craigslist. You were the one with the sensual, alluring title - "Ram your cock inside me and spurt your hot load!". I knew you were the one for me by the way you typed in ALL CAPS and listed enough conditions to make a contact attorney proud. Your policies of "FACE PICT *ONLY*! NO COCK SHOTS!" and "NASTY, OLD PERVERTS NEED NOT APPLY!" really resonated with me. And you chose me. of the 357 responses you received, you chose mine. I like to think it was my charm, wit, and carefully crafted prose. That or the Abercrombie and Fitch model I chose for "my" picture. We both were in relationships, but we needed something more. We needed each other, if only for that one afternoon. So I took off work early. Wasn't feeling well; going home to rest. You just left a note on the counter - "out shopping". Why wouldn't he believe that? I lust you, but I don't trust you. I can't let you know where I live. You don't care, but he could be home any minute. And I certainly wouldn't want to be around for that. Motels are so cliché. (OK, really we're cheap.) Besides, wouldn't it be totally hot to do it outside, totally exposed to the whole world? I'd never done such a thing before. Neither had you. So we met at the park at 4. The sun was just starting to go down. The light though the trees was sublime. You in your easy-access summer dress. The shine of your hair. The look in your eye. I wanted you. I needed you. I simply had to have you. But where? Had to be close. No time to wander around when sex is imminent. Somewhere out of the way. Others can't see. Up that hill. In the trees. Underbrush all around. I pull it aside for you as we make our slow progress trystward. You do the same for me. Then an opening. Nestled into a copse. Surrounded by scrub brush. Perfect. The blanket goes down and 3 seconds later your tongue is in my mouth. So warm. So soft. So wet. I can no longer think. All the blood is in my cock. I reach my hand down your pants. It's like my toiletry kit fresh out of Miami baggage claim - a hot, wet, sticky mess. You moan and I'm inspired to keep going. First one, then two fingers. Thumb on your clit. It's not long be you're there. I keep kissing you the whole time, but really I'm staring at your face. At the look of pure pleasure. Then you go silent. Your body tenses and arches and I can feel the intense contractions inside you. You reach for me and I'm ready, clothes off in 6 seconds. After witnessing your performance, I'm already close. Really close. You stroke me. You lick me, and less than a minute later I black out for the longest 5 seconds of my life. Back into focus, and my gaze lands upon your face. We exchange an awkward look, like we're back in high school and aren't sure what to make of all this. You pull your hand back looking with concern at the mess on it. I pull out a Kleenex and push it at you while I use another to deftly wipe off my stomach. Nothing left to say, so I get up and start putting on my clothes. You pick up the blanket. I make one last effort on the way back to the cars; I gently brush the cruft out of the back of your hair. You turn half-way toward me and give me a tight-lipped smirk. That was yesterday. Today I am itchy. And swollen. I have splotchy rashes on my body But my cock is the worst. It's bright red, raw, and about 50% bigger than normal. Now I know the secret of those spammers who claim to increase your girth - poison oak. I'm sorry, Casual Encounter girl. Sorry if I got poison oak on you like you did to me. Or worse, in you. I'd like to say it was worth it, but I can't. Not now. Maybe in a few days this will be more funny than painful. I hope so. But I do know that next time, we're splitting the cost of the motel.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-14T22:19:52-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/397398685.html Take me in the weeds text To the gay men who complain about the lack of quality men... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/392388931.html I am a gay guy. I'll get that out of the way first. Grossed out by the boobs, turned on by the cock. It's a fact of life for me and there ain't no changin' it. I accepted it many years ago and life has been great ever since. I will also say here that I am a “quality guy”. I have a career that I have absolutely loved for the past 13 years, I have a wonderful long term partner of over 10 years, a wonderful daughter, vital relationships with supportive friends and family, lots of fun interests and hobbies, I volunteer and give back to my community. Oh yeah…and I know how to have fun in the sack to boot, AND I have been faithful to my other half for the whole time we’ve been together (and he to me). Go ahead and trash me for calling myself quality, but I know I am. I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means. I have my faults like anyone else, but I’m reasonably sure that I would be perceived as quality by most people. OK...so now my point. I am amazed at the number of postings from gay men on this site who are complaining about the lack of "normal", non-racist, attractive, monogamous, non-druggie men out there. It truly is incredible to me. It makes me wonder if we are living in the same place! If you scroll down a ways on this Rants and Raves list today, you'll see a posting from a gay Asian guy who laments the fact that the gay community is totally focused around white gays. I totally agree. But I had to laugh at his posting as he went on to say that he meets guys at clubs and online. THAT’S what he is judging the gay community by? How lame is that? Does he see Asian guys throwing themselves at White guys at book club meetings and running clubs? I’m guessing not. Post after post I read gay guys complaining about the lack of quality gay men out there and almost all of them talk about some creepy online experience or a bad scene at some bar or club. To all you gay men who are complaining…do you realize there is more to life than meeting guys in bars and online? My God...you live in one of the major hubs of culture, academia, sports, you name it, and you're trolling for quality guys on the Internet or at Badlands? Do you all know that getting your dick sucked or getting banged is not the center of your existence? Sure it’s fun and I’d never turn down an opportunity for either, but there is so much more to life than just being defined by being attracted to a penis. Make yourself more well-rounded than that. Quality guys can sniff you out in a second if you’re just horny. What more do you have to offer after you’ve both cum? For all of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, here are 10 suggestions for how to find that quality guy. They are all based on common sense, but I have found them to work well for me: 1. Do you have a hobby or interest other than sucking cock or getting fucked? If you do, then join a club/group/social group around that interest or hobby. It doesn't have to be a gay club. Just join a club or group. You will meet people there who like the same thing you do. You will be yourself there (and not some phony posing at a bar or hiding behind a screen name) because you will be in a place where you actually enjoy what's going on. Do you enjoy spending hours on the Internet trying to find a hook-up? I’m guessing not. The hooking up is fun, but not the endless searching. If you join a group you won't meet a one night stand or boyfriend there most likely (although it could happen, huh?), but you will meet other people who know other people who know other people. It's like that lame MySpace site although in actual real life! Amazing, huh? Who knows? Maybe one of those people will invite you to a party and introduce you to the man of your dreams. And chances are that he will be a quality guy because the people who accepted you into their club or group or going to hold everyone else up to the same standards, whatever they are. 2. Go out and give back to others. Instead of trolling around the Castro or Gay.com, get off your ass and volunteer somewhere. Project Open Hand, Stop Aids, Equality California --- they all could use volunteers and are positively TEEMING with gay men who are all united behind a common purpose. Are those causes too "gay" for you? Then volunteer at St. Anthony’s Dining Room or Glide Memorial. Too religious for you? Then go do a Google search online for other volunteer opportunities. Help out at the Humane Society, be a mentor for a young person, go read stories to the local kindergarteners in your neighborhood. When you volunteer, you will meet other people who are selfless and who enjoy helping others (i.e. those “quality” people you are looking for). Quality guys appreciate someone who understands that life is not all about you. It’s also in part about helping others and learning about other people. If you don’t like to do either of those things, then I suggest you look inside yourself to see why not. You’re not a quality guy if you do not have this aspect of your personality. 3. Go out and get some exercise. No…I don’t mean go to a gym in the Castro and cruise the steam rooms for sex. Set a goal for yourself. Tell yourself you will spend a year training for a marathon (or a 5K, or a half marathon, or 3 miles) and then run it. Train for the AIDS Ride and then do it. Go for a run in another part of the City from where you live. Get out of your rut. Join a running club. There are lots in San Francisco and all over the Bay Area. It doesn’t have to be one of the gay running clubs, by the way. Remember, you’re not living your life around the sole idea that you are gay. Change your mindset that you are a runner, or a cyclist, or a weightlifter, or whatever. People who say they “hate exercise” come off as not quality. If you hate to run, find something you do like – dance, rowing, swimming? You do not have to be a porno god with bulging biceps and perfect pecs. Quality guys appreciate someone who takes the time to take care of their body in any way. This doesn’t mean hit the gym 7 days a week. It doesn’t mean you are 6’2”, 190 with a tapered waist. It means get some exercise, eat well, go to the dentist regularly. Show some pride in yourself by taking care of yourself. 4. Do you have a job? Do you actually like it? Or do you spend all your time whining and moping about it? A quality guy wants a guy who is doing something with his life that has goals and seems rewarding and/or fulfilling. You don’t have to make lots of money to be fulfilled by the way. Have you ever bumped into someone who LOVES their job and just kind of felt awestruck by them? Be that person. Or if life has dealt you a hand where you have to stay in a job you hate, then make the most of it. No one wants to hear about how much your job sucks. Sure we all have bad days, but if you don’t seem like you have made good choices in your life around the one thing you spend most of your day doing, how do you expect to attract anyone who will think you are quality too? If you have a professional job, join a professional group. Go to conferences. Give a seminar. Again, you don’t have to join a gay professional group. Just get your name and face out there. If you hate your job, find ways to change it instead of moping to everyone about it. Your complaining will be a total turn-off to a quality guy. 5. Do you have an education? Quality guys consider most guys with no college diploma a bad catch. It sounds harsh, but it’s true. Right or wrong, people who went to college are perceived as having goals, striving for them, attaining them, and planning for their futures. If you haven’t gotten a degree yet, what’s stopping you? There are scholarships, loans, grants – so much money out there waiting for you to spend it on your future. But you have to do the legwork. It sucks…I know. It’s a lot of stress, time, and energy. But at the end of it, you will feel proud that you accomplished something for yourself, you will be better educated, and you will be more attractive to the quality guy. There are so many schools in the Bay Area – everything from cooking schools, to art schools, to universities, to massage schools, to you name it. Go back to school and start doing what you love or what you’ve always wanted to do. Start small. Don’t think you’re going to get into the Stanford M.B.A. program if you’re not qualified to be there. Take classes at the local community college at first, transfer up to a state or U.C. You have so many options open to you. Stop with the excuses for why you are not educated as much as you could be. 6. Lay off the drugs. Quality guys don’t do them. They are too busy with their work lives, their social lives, their family lives, their volunteering, their cultural events, etc. Drugs are for lazy people with too much time on their hands. Choose to spend your time another way. If you meet a quality guy while you are high or drunk, what kind of person will he wake up to the next morning? Some of you post on here wondering why a guy never calls you back after the one night stand. Could it be that the guy he met in the bar last night sobered up and is now a boring dud who drones on about his work? Ditch the drugs and be yourself. If you are addicted, go get help. There are free programs all over. If you are reading this you have an Internet connection. Google programs and then get to work on getting clean and sober. 7. Get over the fact that some guys just aren’t attracted to you. Here’s something a shrink told me many years ago while I was dealing with my own coming out issues: he said that as gay men, most of us never got the teenaged experience that many straight folks get. Many of us didn’t get asked out to prom or have a first kiss, or get drunk and screw the cheerleader at homecoming (extreme example, I know, but you get the drift). We missed out on a lot of the teenage “rites of passage”. Because we were still trying to figure ourselves out or because we were in the closet, all of the adolescent sexual stuff flew right past us without us even knowing. Now that we are out to ourselves, we are making up for lost time. There are many men who are stuck in this adolescent phase. They are petty like schoolgirls. They bitch, they judge people based on looks or clothes or how much money they make. They think the world revolves around them. It’s textbook. They are stuck in 7th grade. They are reliving the years that they couldn’t have while they were growing up shy, awkward, closeted, or “hate crimed”. They are being the “powerful” people they wish they could have been back in middle school. Be above that. Move on from that. You are going to meet guys who turn you down because your dick is too small or because you’re going bald or because you are a certain ethnicity. Get over it. You will never change what someone is attracted to. I like coffee, you like tea. It’s a preference. If you keep finding guys who judge you like this, then you are obviously looking in the wrong spots. You are only in places where these adolescent phase guys are – online and clubs. That’s where the superficial crowd usually hangs. There is safety in numbers or behind an anonymous screen name. I’m not saying everyone online or in a bar is a creep or freak, but I’m willing to bet you will find way more quality guys volunteering or in a running club than you will at the Midnight Sun or in the San Francisco M4M room on AOL. 8. Broaden your horizons. Go take your lunch somewhere new. Get out of your neighborhood and see some place different on the weekend or whenever you are not working. Take a weekend trip alone (GASP! Alone?!) and sightsee somewhere new. My God, we live in an area where you can drive or take public transit to the mountains, the beach, the wine country, hiking trails, or the Bay all within hours of each other. Where else in the world can you do that? Can’t afford a trip? Take the bus to a different neighborhood or local city. Ask a local where a good place to eat is. Walk downtown. Go meet life! You will bump into all sorts of people. Most of them won’t be your next boyfriend, but you never know. Maybe their co-worker would be. Or their frat brother from college. You never know how things will work out. 9. Read books, magazines (no, People and US Weekly don’t count -- although they ARE fun once in a while), newspapers, Web sites…anything you can get your hands on. It’s amazing how many people don’t read. Reading makes you a great conversationalist. Not reading means all you can talk about is what you know – yourself and your own life. This gets tedious for a quality guy. What was the last good book you read? What made it good? What kind of conversations can you start about our world that does not include an anecdote about yourself and your life? Are you interested in politics and next year’s presidential election? Have you read the new book by Armistead Maupin? Are you a sports fan and like chatting about the Giants and the Barry Bonds feat/controversy? Find something in this huge universe of ours to take an interest in and then READ READ READ about it. In my single days, I used to notice when I’d walk into a guy’s place what books (if any) he had out on display. Invariably, a place with no books out at all meant a non-quality guy who could only talk about himself. Books tell others who you are and what you find interesting, and they are great conversation starters everywhere. Can’t afford books? Go to the library. Browse bookstores. Maybe the guy standing next to you at the stack likes the same stuff you do. 10. Go out and get some culture. We live in one of the hubs of culture on this planet. If you’re into art, go see the MOMA or the new De Young Museum. If you like dance, go see the ballet. Go see a Broadway show (I just saw “Avenue Q” last night – AWESOME!). No money? All of these places offer discounted tickets, student prices, and lots of other freebies. Check them out online. Go see the symphony or opera. Go see a loud metal concert. Go listen to the free music in the park. I was just in Dolores Park a few weeks ago listening to a free concert by the SF Symphony and that place was PACKED with quality guys. Tweakers and drunks tend to steer clear of culture because they know they are out of their element. If you can afford something more expensive, you will also be able to weed out the tweakers usually. Go get the Pink section from the SF Chronicle on Sundays. The whole thing is bursting with events, showings, performances, etc. to choose from. Yes, some are pricey, but many are free and easy to get to using public transit. People bitch and moan about MUNI and BART, but they will get you there. Go do something wacky and see something you’ve never done before. You might be surprised who you meet. So there are my 10 suggestions for attracting a quality guy. And if you tell me that you can’t do anything I have listed above, then you are not a quality guy yourself. You should look inside yourself to see what your priorities in life are and then go out and make them happen. No one will be attracted to you in the long term if you don’t have your own life squared away first. It’s cliché, but it’s true. I don’t pretend to have all of the answers in life. I have my own issues that cause me grief just like anyone else does. I’m not saying I’m perfect and you’re not. I’m just responding to all of the guys out there who moan and groan and complain about the gay community and its lack of vitality and quality guys. This is not true, and I think that deep down you all know it. Hopefully you can use this as a kick start to go out and make something happen for yourself. Oh…and one last piece of advice…stay optimistic. I have been there. It sucks being single and wishing you had someone to share life with (if that is your goal – I know it’s not everyone’s). Look on the bright side. Laugh at the weird encounters you have and chalk them up to experience. It’s easy to get bitter with the dating life, I know. But the more bitter you get, the more the quality guys will run the other way when you finally meet one. So many guys on here say they are sick of “bitter queens”, but they don’t realize that their complaining makes them one of the same group. Guys who are bitter seem like they are “over” life and done. Be the guy who makes a new start instead. Good luck!   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Long post -- sorry! <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-08T13:18:29-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/392388931.html To the gay men who complain about the lack of quality men... text Dying in a Plane Crash... A Request http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/371623786.html I have a recurring dream about dying in a plane crash. In fact, I had one last night. It's happened so much I feel that I'm as much an expert in dying in plane crashes as any living being can be. I'm not superstitious. I'm not afraid to fly. But on the off-hand chance this dream turns prophetic, I feel qualified enough to make a request for anyone unfortunate enough to be on that plane with me... I don't mind the idea of dying in a plane crash. In my dreams, I've done it a thousand times under a thousand different conditions. In most instances, death is instantaneous and painless. The thing that does bother me is what happens during that final plummet. Yes it's terrifying. But please, for the love of God, what's with the screaming? I understand you're frightened. I understand you don't want to die. I'm coming to terms with that myself as is every other passenger on that plane. But while I'm facing my imminent demise looking out the window in absolute silence and stunned horror, you're ruining the last few moments of everyone else's existence with your incessant shrill chimpanzee-like shrieking. You're going to die. Of what possible use is a last-minute vocal exercise going to serve other than to completely annoy everyone around you and make a terrible situation even more unbearable? We are all in shock. Our sense of time slows and our senses become sharper. Now is not the time to be yelling. I'm not a religious man; but I don't mind if you pray. I might even hold your hand. But please keep it within an acceptable decibel level. If your God is real, he isn't hard of hearing, and he's most certainly aware that the plane is going down. He apparently has a plan, and he's not going to change his mind on the basis of how loud you beg him to alter it. Besides, you have an eternal life to look forward to. Look at me... I'm an atheist, and I'm keeping my mouth shut. Superman doesn't exist, so I'm hoping you're not calling for him. Anyone who can help you is already busy trying. All I'm asking for a bit of reverence so we may die in dignity. If you treat it like a fucking roller coaster, I swear I'm going to punch you square in the kisser for depriving me of this... and I'm pretty sure I'll get away with it.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-11T13:05:13-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/371623786.html Dying in a Plane Crash... A Request text Rant: To the 23 year old girl I met at the bar http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/369039155.html After a long chat about life, politics, and your future career in interior design, you asked me, a man nearly a decade your senior, something like, "What have you learned over the last ten years that you think I should know?" I offered some boilerplate platitude like, "Don't limit your options because you never know where you'll end up." I'm sorry. I wanted to give you some real advice, but I was afraid of offending you. We spoke for a little longer, and I was building up the courage to tell you the truth, but before I could get to the good stuff your beefy bartender boyfriend (who stared at me menacingly the entire time that you and I spoke) whisked you away. Please accept the following paragraphs as the advice I didn't give but should have. First of all, your boyfriend is a fucktard loser, and if he's the kind of guy you usually date you are in real trouble. I'll admit he's a good looking fellow: Strong jaw and big muscles, but he is also a moron and has two kids. Jesus, how old is he, twenty-five? And he already has two kids? What the hell are you thinking? Those little bastards aren't free and if he mans-up to his responsibility he will spend the rest of his life broke. If he doesn't man-up he is an even bigger loser and you should definitely drop him. I'm not saying you should get with me or anything, I'm thirty and bald and aware of my chances with the nubile tastiness that is you, but you live in a city chock full of universities and I'm sure you can find someone young, good looking, and smart enough to wear a fucking condom when he does the nasty. Speaking of sex, you need to be careful. Really careful. Drug development is expensive and when big pharmaceuticals make a medicine for a disease it is because that disease is (1) very common; (2) bad enough that people are willing to pay $$$ to treat it; and (3) going to be around long enough for them to get their money back. All those Valtrex commercials you see on TV are telling you that lots of people have herpes. But you don't know anyone who has herpes, do you? That's because men who have it don't tell their partners. You should be prepared for the worst. I've never had any STDs, partly because being bald makes getting laid nearly impossible, but also because I use condoms EVERY TIME I HAVE SEX. You should too. Just because you're not willing to risk your health for a guy doesn't mean you don't like him, love him, or want to be with him. It just means that you have a head on your shoulders and some self respect. Finally, about your career. Honestly, it really isn't much of one. You live in the Bay. There are enough gay men around here to design and decorate every doghouse, outhouse, whorehouse, and courthouse for 700 miles. Every man you talk to knows this and we all mean to tell you, but you are really hot and humoring you is a condition precedent to licking and sticking your honey pot. Seriously, you really need to think more about exactly what you are going to do for a living because if you end up with Mr. Fucktard, or any facsimile thereof, you will likely be supporting yourself for many years to come. Good luck and best wishes, -The Short Bald Guy  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-08T02:01:53-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/369039155.html Rant: To the 23 year old girl I met at the bar text I went shopping for Fuck Me heels http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/366714589.html Mind you, they were for my lover, friend, and confidant, all rolled into one gorgeous, feisty pixie of a woman who told me she could use a boost while standing at the dais, delivering an address to a full house. So, to all the amorous CL perverts out there, please refrain from emailing me with graphic descriptions of how you want to fuck me while I wear them, OK? Sheesh. I was alone this Fourth of July, so I hopped on my bicycle and hit the Stanford Shopping Center, figuring there must be a special Fuck Me heels department in Needless Markup, or one of those other upscale dumps for people with more money than brains (that excludes me of course, as it’s patently obvious I have neither). I hit the top of the escalator at NM and was met by a guy carefully eyeing whether I was NM material or not. Either that or he had ideas about how he’d dress me, because it appeared he was undressing me, until he addressed me, that is. Granted, a guy wearing river sandals, ripped shorts and a t-shirt from a 1970 Grateful Dead concert doesn’t exactly look like the NM type, but when Grover T Salesman asked me if he could help me in a way that made the word help sound like it had at least 3 or 4 syllables, as in “May I he…ell…..lll....pppp you?”, I quickly went on the offensive. “Sure, where are the auto parts?” I asked. “Sir, we don’t carry auto parts”, Grover responded, again with way too many syllables for his own good. “OK then, skip the auto parts. Where do you keep the Fuck Me heels?” “Excuuuuuuse me? This is NM and we do not carry thooossse sorts of things here.” “What? Is there something wrong with Fuck Me heels? I mean, hey, I’m a red-blooded male, and when I see a woman with well defined calves and great legs wearing Fuck Me heels I just want to drop to my knees, start at the bottom and work my way up. You get my drift, Grover?” “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store, the other customers are clearly uncomfortable with your rather lewd and crass behavior.” “She’s not”, I said, nodding towards the very pretty woman browsing the apparel department, who was clearly grinning ear to ear and chortling. “SIR!” “OK. OK, I’m leaving. So Grover, is there a place in the mall that you could recommend for Fuck Me heels? Surely you must wear a pair every now and then if you work in a place like this. They must fuck you over pretty good here.” “OUT!” Down the escalator I went, with the chuckling woman not far behind me. She called to me once I was outside, and offered to help me find the perfect heels. While we walked across to Nerdsturds she quizzed me on my tastes, and my motives. By coincidence, she also had size 6-1/2 feet, the exact same size as my delightfully delicious lover. Things went a little smoother at Nerds. My new best friend from NM modeled every pair I asked to see. She offered advice, and her opinions. I settled on a very sexy red pair, and as we walked out of the store she asked me what I was going to do with my friend after I presented them to her. As I walked her back to her car I told her honestly, and in great detail, of every move, every touch, and every place my lips would visit. “Lucky girl”, she said, laughing and smiling. “Yes, and lucky me. Thanks!” I said as she drove away. I love it when a plan comes together, don’t you?   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-07-04T19:06:34-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/366714589.html I went shopping for Fuck Me heels text This Relationship is Over http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/347714683.html Dear Silver Mercedes C280 in front of me on Oak Street, I'm sorry, but this relationship simply isn't working for me. Among other things, relationships are built on trust and mutual understanding, and frankly I don't see those qualities in you. I respected your right-of-way when you entered the same lane in front of me on Oak Street from Masonic, but with that right-of-way comes certain responsibilities. Surely you've been down this road before, Mercedes. Surely you must appreciate the synchronized traffic signals that allow us to glide through town unfettered by the block-by-block stop-and-go of our freewayless city. Yet still you seem oblivious to the appropriate rate of speed necessary to keep pace with the synchronization. Do you not recognize all the other car-on-car relationships around you? They all seem to understand how this whole thing works. Don't think I can't see you sipping your latte up there, and is that the New York Times folded against your steering wheel? I have needs, Mercedes - needs you seem in no rush to fulfill. So help me, if one of these lights turns red before we reach it, I'm not forgetting it any time soon. Have you any idea how embarrassed and frustrated I am when the other traffic on our little thoroughfare see how you're holding me back? I'll tell you right now, I know what lies in my future -Octavia Boulevard, the Central Skyway and eventually I-80 East to the 4th Street exit. Frankly, I just don't know that you have what it takes to be in front of me through that. So let's be adults about this. I need this lane for the upcoming turn, so please just quietly change lanes or turn on to a side street, and let's put this all behind us. Don't make me honk. Regretfully, The Silver Volvo XC70 behind you  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-08T10:09:57-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/347714683.html This Relationship is Over text Wanted: STONER BOYFRIEND http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/345732148.html Where are all the cool hippy guys out there? I would drive to Santa Cruz, park my fine ass in a park, playing my ukulele, eating tofu jerky, waving a clear baggy of catnip tied to a stick and spend a day trying to lure a cool stoner to join me on my blanket of love…,but I have a real 8-5 job and can’t afford that luxury. So where do I find one of you earthenware brothas? I’m tired of shmuckety-schmuck yuppies with money. Frankly, their cars are usually a better ride than they are. That, and they’re notorious cheaters. It’s as if faithfulness dives to the ground on the seesaw when success, money, and a hot car rises to the sky on the other end. Before any of you peg me as some kind of sad self-pitying chick whose Daddy left her & so she is doomed to chase cheaters & beaters and sabotages her relationships because she feels unworthy of a man’s love, just know that I do not engage in self-pity, ever, because I have a great life full of blessings & achievements & I realize I have it better than 99% of the world’s population. That, and I have a great relationship with my father. I’m just slamming a certain segment of the population that I have had extensive personal experience with. In my quest for the “right” boyfriend, (right for me, right for right now, whatever) I have dated various types, from the poor starving artist, to the self-absorbed bodybuilder, to sugardaddy types, to the intellectual Seinfeld guy next door. They all failed, though not always miserably. Yet, being the eternal optimist, I am on to the next type and, fingers crossed, we will hit the mark for a good time. At least I think I’d know what to expect with a cool stoner guy (though surprises are nice). I’m thinking…..MELLOW TIMES. I like to laugh. Here are my revised criteria for the next boyfriend: You must be either a) an unemployed djembe player (if you must google djembe, then you’re obviously not down to par) b) a trust fund baby with real, intended if not realized, artistic goals c) just plain confused about why the hell you haven’t packed up & moved to the islands yet or d) employed at some warehouse, the atmosphere of which leads you to gripe about the “establishment” and the political agenda of your Nazi floor supervisor. You must have scruffy, shaggy hair, all over, preferably, au natural, be it on your face, head, or body. Bonus points if you smell like patchouli. Dress in soft cargo shorts & thrift store shirts, own no socks and not enough sandals & look rockin’ in either snowboard/surfer gear, or shirtless if you’re a rockclimber. You have a favorite hat, favorite pajamas, and a good luck charm. You must live in either Santa Cruz or a treehouse. Somewhere with a lot of trees, preferably, so we could take nature walks & oil paint the pretty flowers together. One of us would have to purchase a compass or be able to navigate by sun/stars in case we get lost out there. You must either a) own a car that you can’t drive b) drive a car you don’t own c) have the ability to drive my car, if not the urge to want to. I am happy to provide & fulfill the various material needs of this relationship, however I do like to be treated like a lady now & again and be driven around by her smooth new stoner boyfriend. It’s cool. I have a convertible. No, not everyone is looking at you. You must love to eat, because I love to cook. I can fix us stoner-approved goodies like an array of munchy crunchy finger foods OR I can cook a gourmet dinner that won’t be lost on your extra-heightened tastebuds. One thing I won’t do is use flaxseed because that crap gave me an allergic reaction and my tongue turned blue & I spoke with a lame novocaine-like fubblelisp for days. You must love to cuddle and be happy to leave a shirt that smells like you for me to sniff when you’re not around. I will not be burning incense in your absence, so this seemingly tiny detail is critical. Since I am the professional career woman and will be supporting you & financing most of our outings, it is critical that you be thoughtful, entertaining or have some talent(s) to amuse us with. I will buy you that new surfboard if you design something out of hemp rope & barbwire (to showcase the symbiosis of Nature & Man) for me to hang as a mobile above our bed. You should probably have a prescription for ya medicine, feel? I mean, if you have no choice but to get it illegally, then I understand, it’s just that they issue you these cool little ‘green cards’ when you’re under a cool Doctor’s dope Rx. You must be comfortable giving & receiving massages and capable of lots of stimulating sexoccupations because there’s nothing hotter than being able to do yoga in bed, balancing Funyuns on our nipples, engaging in textural pudding wrestling, blowing smokeballs in each other’s mouths, and bragging to friends about the time when you should’ve pulled a tantric muscle but didn’t, because Maaan, that shit’s sooo ___fill in the blank__. Most of our time together, after my long boring day in corporate America, will be spent a) smoking b) gettin’ busy c) eating d) playing videogames e) nature hikes f) planning the secession of Northern California Okay, that’s about it. I like all types & races of men, your smile & eyes are most important. Of course, be in relatively good shape (it’ll come in handy for the yoga payoff) and taller than me (I’m 5’6’). Also, no one over 33. If you are still a stoner at 34, then somewhere your mama went wrong. If you or someone you know fits all or most of the criteria above, and is generally a nice guy with few baggage (that he can remember), pass him my way. Peace ~Future stoner chick-a-boom-puffpuff   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-05T16:42:08-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/345732148.html Wanted: STONER BOYFRIEND text Coffee C*nt @ Royal Grounds http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/327033558.html You came into Royal Grounds, Russian Hill You are the 30ish, 5'5", 120#, “Blonde" girl with the spackled foundation and knock-off bronze-metallic Prada bag. You were on your cell, blabbing with an artificial "Laguna Beach" accent and blissfully absorbing the "attention" of everyone else in the joint. You’ve been in line for about eight minutes. I'd like to inform you of a few things: 1. We are not staring at you because you are hot or cool, or interesting. We (read: everyone else in the joint) are trying make you burst into flames by focusing our searing hatred toward your shellacked mary-jane wedges. Believe me, most of us could care less about your insipid desperation to appear cool. We care much more about you leaving. Now. 2. Royal Grounds does not serve “venti latte’s”. You’ve gotten all dizzy and come to the wrong place. You’re looking for McDonald’s, or Jenny Craig, or Fresh Choice. Stupid twat. 3. Make a decision before you get to the front of the line, bitch. I know… you’ve got low blood sugar so its haaaaard to decide, but settling on a fat-free muffin and a low-fat latte shouldn’t take one hundred twelve seconds at the counter. Especially since you’ve been in line for eight minutes saying, “I knoooow. Ohmigod, I KNOOOWWWW! Really? I know…”. Its not like you’ve been on hold with Comcast. You’re in line for coffee at 7:55am. Die. Now. Or at least spontaneously bleed or do something interesting and painful like a seizure. 4. Leave a freaking tip. That little jar isn’t there to TAKE CHANGE FROM. If you need change for the bus, simply ASK the nice gal behind the counter. Don’t dig around in her tip jar for quarters while drawling about losing your Muni Pass to your feeble-minded phone-mate. We all know you lost your Muni Pass along with the tattered remnants of your shriveled dignity at the Royal Joke last night at 1:12am. It is just at the end of Bonita Street under that pile of wadded Kleenex. You know, near where you woke up, skank. 5. Get your fucking bag off my table! Damn, now you’ve done it. You’ve taken me from focused disgust to personal rage. Just because I’m seated at the table next to the no-calorie sweeteners doesn’t mean I want your greasy, cum-stained whore-sack on my paper; nudging my coffee and getting dangerously close to contaminating my bagel. Not even an “excuse me” or a “do you mind/”. In fact, I might have let it pass with simple hatred had you bothered to engage some semblance of decency. But, there you go, no concern for my space or belongings. 6. It was not an accident that my coffee “fell” onto your feet while you were adding the Spleda to your beverage. I purposely removed the lid. I carefully planned knocking it “just so” in hopes of getting at least one of your feet covered in scalding bean juice. Did that burn a little? Don’t worry about the shoes. Pleather cleans up nicely. The sugar should get nice and sticky soon. Kind of like your thighs and tits felt before you used a handi-wipe on them this morning when you came to. 7. It was funny to watch you drop your phone into the bus-tray, prance on your little feet, and protest with “Ohmigod! Ohmigod!” while everyone else took delight in your suffering. Did you believe me to be sincere when I said, “Oh, wow. That must hurt.” Notice how I didn’t apologize? Of course you didn’t. 8. Yes, I purposely chose that moment to get up and leave. I definitely meant to bump you ever so slightly with the table and knock your bag to the floor with my laptop and paper. I admit it: I wanted to cause you as much inconvenience as possible without actually breaking any laws. 9. The people behind you in line were purposefully rude in pushing around you to get lids, sugar, cream and stuff. They grinned when they observed my work. They wryly smiled. They hate you as much as I do. Probably as much as your mother did when she dropped you off at the orphanage. 10. Even though I had significantly slowed the pace of everyone’s day, there wasn’t a bit of anger directed at me. Rather, there was joy, gratefulness, even one woman who mouthed, “Awesome”. You are disgusting and unwelcome. Move away. Get crippled. Go blind. Just leave.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-08T15:01:49-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/327033558.html Coffee C*nt @ Royal Grounds text When Dorks Attack - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/326253241.html So there I was in line to get a cup of coffee, not a half-caff two-pump Frankendrink, at my local independent coffee retailer, not a BevMart with a line out the door, when this really cool chick behind me admired my bag. Now, I'm proud of this bag because I was determined not to get a BoyBag or a ManPurse, but I needed something to carry my iBook around in and one run-on sentence led to another and I scored this groovy navy surplus map case for $15. Shoulder strap is oh-so-convenient. Butch factor 12. Gender confidence high. So this groovy girl sort of tugs on my sleeve (how cute is that?) and I turn around and she's got sort of kinky curly hair (not pervy-kinky, actually kinky) and those half-height glasses that brainiacs wear that make me swoon. Lil stud in her nose (jewelry, not like Fernando-stud), sassy starched white shirt (the kind you can see the tasteful yet lacy bra through, yum). "Hey," she tugged. "Nice bag." I am no smoothie but when pressed I can totally summon the blarney and I mean when a beautiful woman tugs your sleeve and compliments your bag, that is pressure, mano. I was hoping she wouldn't look down to the peds because I left the house in a hurry and went for the battered sneaker look. I never seem to meet chicks when I'm wearing the Bally lace-ups. Probably because they fuck up my posture. "Thanks," I said, and it came out way more baritone than I was expecting, owing to activities of previous P.M. and the early hour of the A.M. Startled by my own Barry Whiteness, the blarney left me and I blurted out "I like your... " This is where you need to be not so much social in the morning. Sure, at a dinner party you might return the compliment with a degree of panache; you're awake. What you probably would not say is: "Thanks. I like your... lips." The thing is, her lips were not her best feature. They just happened to be what I was staring at when my mouth needed something to say. Mouth: 'Hey Brain, I'm in a jam...' Brain: 'Lips. Next..?' She looked at me a little quizzically, and those lips went into a half-smile that kind of punched right through my sternum and lodged in my spine. You could tell, because as we inched forward in line, I practically fell over trying to explain my Nifty Bag Features in an attempt to save the moment. Which is why all five condoms I own spilled out onto the floor along with a pen and thirty-seven cents. I have no idea why those items were in my bag. Especially the pen. She gamely looked at the drink board. I noticed her shoes. She ordered a small coffee to go. No one else noticed much of anything.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-07T13:38:52-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/326253241.html When Dorks Attack - m4w text To: Guy Who Screamed Obscenities at the Ballet the Other Night: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/326175577.html It was Don Quixote, a rather fun full-length ballet, nobody dies like in the dreary Giselle or Swan Lake. Another fantastic performance by the SF Ballet. I know you enjoyed it. Our whole section knows you enjoyed it. Every time a dancer would perform a particularly impressive jump, or a series of 3+ pirouettes, you would say, "Whoa!" or "Jaysus!" This, I didn't mind. As a former dancer and now a season-ticket holder of our City's fine company, I get a kick out of hearing others' excitement for an artform I hold dear. Much better than the guy next to me whose head started to fall like a kid in an 8th grade math class. So, the curtain falls. The end. Applause. Curtain comes up and the dancers begin to take their bows. You notice a few people standing up. Was it an ovation? NO! They were LEAVING! These people could not WAIT to get to their cars (they were obviously not MUNI riders, walkers or cab-hailers like most of us in the City)! They had no time for CLAPPING! They had to get out now! It was then you yelled, in your beautiful gray-haired old crotchety man voice, "WILL YOU PEOPLE SIT DOWN AND LET THE *POLITE* PEOPLE SHOW THEIR APPRECIATION?!," slight pause, "YA ASSHOLES!" Now, I have seen dozens of ballets in my relatively short lifetime of 25 years. Never, not once, have I encountered a fan of ballet quite like you. At the ballgame, sure, that kind of yelling is par for the course. At the ballgame we eat peanuts and leave the shells in piles at our feet. Sir, this was THE BALLET. And for your outburst directed at the people who think somewhere in their tiny brains that it is even remotely acceptable to get up and leave during the curtain call, remotely acceptable to not even clap for the world class artists who just performed a most difficult and worthwhile ballet for our enjoyment (artists whose salary is about that of a standard office receptionist), remotely acceptable to WALK OUT while the house lights are up and we can all (including the dancers) see... Kind sir, for your outburst, screaming at these "assholes", I thank you from the bottom of my art-loving heart. I've been wanting to say that for a long time. And WOW! They sat their asses down, didn't they?! A few were even clapping. You are the BEST. Cordially, Fellow Supporter of the Fine Arts in San Francisco   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-07T11:59:51-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/326175577.html To: Guy Who Screamed Obscenities at the Ballet the Other Night: text Me: Crutches, cast, standing. You: blonde, no crutches, sitting J-Line - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/323830108.html A few weeks ago I made a poor life decision. I decided to race the 38 bus from Van Ness to Powell down O'Farell. I've done this many many times before (did I mention that I was on a skateboard? No? My bad.) and always won. This time was different. I ate shit in a rather spectacular fashion and ended up banging my shin on a parked car whilst flying through the air. End result? Broken right leg (tibia AND fibia) and some road rash. And I lost the race with the bus. Thank god for health insurance. Flash forwards to yesterday, 5pm, 24th St and Church. I had to get out of the house, my insane alcoholic roommate was doing his whole "I wish I was at a rave but I'm not so I am going to speaker tweak in the kitchen by myself after drinking 3 bottles of Two Buck Chuck and dance like a madman" thing, and I wasn't down to be around for that. So I decide to go to my favorite taqueria, El Castillito. I can hear you now, you say, "But wait! Casa Mexicana is right there! Why don't you just get a cochinita pibil burrito and not have to hobble onto the J line?" I tell you why: El Castillito has the best Al Pastor style pork burrito in SF, way better than that crap Pibil they server at Casa Mexicana. Casa Mexicana, phhhbbbttth! So this is a lot of leadup, but there is some payoff. I gimp crutch myself down to Church, luckily just as the J is pulling up. I get on the front of the car, and the first seats are taken up, as well as the first few rows, in fact, all the seats in the front half of the car are taken, and I'll be damned if I am going to hobble back to the back, especially if the car is moving, this is a recipe for me to fall down, something that I have a very strong dislike of (reasonably so, given recent events). And there you were, cute, blond, about 25, sitting in the front-side-facing row of seats, right under the sign that says something to the effect of "Federal Law required one must get up when retards, old fogeys, or F-ING CRIPPLES LIKE ME need the space" To top it off you are (astute readers will know where I am heading here....wait for it.....wait for it..........) yammering away on your cellphone, "OH MY GOD! It's 80 degrees in Milwaukee today? Its so totally freezing here! I hate it! I am SO jealous!" Bitch, if I was going to move somewhere I would familiarize myself with the weather first, and then not complain. No one held a gun to your head and said, move to SF or I'll shoot you. Besides, a few weeks ago it was snowing in Milwaukee, you were probably gloating to your same vapid friends then about the weather out here, find something meaningful to talk about or STFU. I tried to make eye contact with you, but you probably thought I was being creepy and wanted to talk to you so I could ask you out or something. WRONG. I wanted to sit my tired ass down, you ever try to lug 240lbs around on a pair of crutches? Not easy. I would've asked someone else to move, but they were all FAR more decrepit looking than you, and all appeared to be at least 60 years old. I kept hopping around like an idiot so I wouldn't fall over (you ever try to stand on one foot while holding two big sticks and the vertical bar on a MUNI train?) hoping you would get the message, but you didn't. Finally you hung up your call and I asked you if I could sit down, but you ignored me like and acted like you couldn't see the 6'4 guy on crutches standing (bobbing and weaving?) 18 inches away from your head. By this time we were almost at Market anyways, so it wasn't worth arguing about. In spite of all this, you do have all the qualities prized by a superficial man like myself, and we should go out. I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you were just shocked that California isn't always sunny and warm like Baywatch led you to believe, and your brain just shut down for those 9 minutes. Or maybe not, maybe you're just a selfish bitch, much like the last girl I dated.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-03T15:02:01-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/323830108.html Me: Crutches, cast, standing. You: blonde, no crutches, sitting J-Line - m4w text Ode to SF General Hospital http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/318141680.html So I lost my voice this weekend. For a motivational speaker this is tantamount to catastrophe. By Monday I couldn't even swallow (insert crass joke here). It was time to seek some professional medical attention. I went down to SF General. The service was fine, they hooked my ass up. As I write this, I am under the influence of four CHODEINE pills. My doctor told me, again, that I have the cardiovascular system of a 20-year old. But the true reason this place gets five stars is for the entertainment. As soon as I walk in, I'm taken aback by the heavy police presence. Several of the patients are sporting orange jumpsuits and shackles, with cops in tow. I sit down waiting for the triage nurse. At this point, I'm feeling gregarious and strike up a conversation with the lady next to me, a chubby, toothless asian with severe psoriasis who keeps stuttering about "dentist, dentist." She claims to be a dancer before stating, "You no jew? You look like the jew." I am sent up to urgent care. I take a number and enter the waiting room. It smells like The Farts of Jeremy Landman... like rancid salami. Sure enough, one of the chodes sitting there exclaims, not two minutes later, "Bologna has a lot of sulfites." Glancing about as I sit down, I am surprised that anyone in here even knows what the fuck a sulfite *is*. They are all dressed in non-ironic hipster gear; faded North Face jackets and polyester vests. Everybody in the room seems to know each other. From what I can gather, it's from jail or the halfway house. A gaggle of white trash tweeker chicks begin reading aloud from some sort of pamphlet about clitoral stimulation. While this goes on, a group of crusty black women alternately praise and threaten violence against their children. Now the tweekers are discussing "handjobs with vibrating gloves." The least fucked-up-looking one announces, "We is some obstinate girls up in here!" Over the course of the next hour she uses the word obstinate several more times. She is the smart one. Someone asks her if she is pregnant and she takes umbrage. "How I be pregnant muthafukka, I been in jail!" Meanwhile, her friend dismisses the vibrating glove idea: "Just give me an old-fashioned Harley!" The elder tweekchick of the group pipes in, "Aw hells nah, just give me a bicycle and a dirt road." A voice erupts from the corner: "You cussin?! Sit yo ass da fuck down befo granma GETS YOU!" Tweeker Chick 1 asks Granma, "That yo boy? Those eyes are god damn beautiful." Now, a new character enters. It appears to be a crackhead version of Celebguru, of indeterminate gender. It shuffles about muttering gibberish and saying hello to people, as, again, it seems to know everybody from "the home." I can make out a few snippets of English, which include something about its sweater getting stolen while doing "tae bo at the learning center," and the phrase, "I LOVE dem pizza rolls!" CrackheadCelebguru begins outlining a crude conspiracy theory about 2Pac's death. An elderly dude pipes up, "His name MAKAVELI! MAKAVELI!!" A scary chick with crazyeyes, camo pants and a santa hat goes, "pfft." A 350 pound woman begins telling her friends in a disgusted tone about some "fat and nasty Mexican" she saw earlier, and she's dead serious. I'm starting to feel not-so-gregarious. Just when I think things can't get any worse (better?), fucking NAZIS come in and sit down. Yes, that's right. Nazis. A man with a shaved head and his girl, all covered in tats and wearing bomber jackets. Surprisingly, THEY also know everybody in the room. The elderly "Makaveli" guy, however, begins to glare and freak out, and CrackheadCelebguru mediates the situation by saying, "Calm down mayeng, they ain't botherin nobody, they just Nazi." You can not make this shit up. I find myself pondering why everybody here speaks in this ghetto patois. White, black, tranny, they all be talk like dis. I realize: THIS is America. The entire time, the soap opera "General Hospital" is playing on the television. Several of the people in the room comment on the show and demonstrate knowledge of the plot and characters. CHCG even says, "Dis my FAVORITE... Luke an Laura." I start to watch the show, with its depictions of whitebread affluence, and realize that for most of my fellow patients, it portrays a world and a lifestyle they will never experience. To them, that world is as ridiculous and amusing as theirs is to me. Nazi Dude sums it up best: "Yo, THIS is General Hospital. We in it NOW." We all laugh together.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-24T16:00:11-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/318141680.html Ode to SF General Hospital text From an Angry Soldier http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/309485032.html I'm having the worst damn week of my whole damn life so I'm going to write this while I'm pissed off enough to do it right. I am SICK of all this bullshit people are writing about the Iraq war. I am abso-fucking-lutely sick to death of it. What the fuck do most of you know about it? You watch it on TV and read the commentaries in the newspaper or Newsweek or whatever god damn yuppie news rag you subscribe to and think you're all such fucking experts that you can scream at each other like five year old about whether you're right or not. Let me tell you something: unless you've been there, you don't know a god damn thing about it. It you haven't been shot at in that fucking hell hole, SHUT THE FUCK UP! How do I dare say this to you moronic war supporters who are "Supporting our Troops" and waving the flag and all that happy horse shit? I'll tell you why. I'm a Marine and I served my tour in Iraq. My husband, also a Marine, served several. I left the service six months ago because I got pregnant while he was home on leave and three days ago I get a visit from two men in uniform who hand me a letter and tell me my husband died in that fucking festering sand-pit. He should have been home a month ago but they extended his tour and now he's coming home in a box. You fuckers and that god-damn lying sack of shit they call a president are the reason my husband will never see his baby and my kid will never meet his dad. And you know what the most fucked up thing about this Iraq shit is? They don't want us there. They're not happy we came and they want us out NOW. We fucked up their lives even worse than they already were and they're pissed off. We didn't help them and we're not helping them now. That's what our soldiers are dying for. Oh while I'm good and worked up, the government doesn't even have the decency to help out the soldiers whos lives they ruined. If you really believe the military and the government had no idea the veterans' hospitals were so fucked up, you are a god-damn retard. They don't care about us. We're disposable. We're numbers on a page and they'd rather forget we exist so they don't have to be reminded about the families and lives they ruined while they're sipping their cocktails at another fund raiser dinner. If they were really concerned about supporting the troops, they'd bring them home so their families wouldn't have to cry at a graveside and explain to their children why mommy or daddy isn't coming home. Because you can't explain it. We're not fighting for our country, we're not fighting for the good of Iraq's people, we're fighting for Bush's personal agenda. Patriotism my ass. You know what? My dad served in Vietnam and NOTHING HAS CHANGED. So I'm pissed. I'm beyond pissed. And I'm going to go to my husband funeral and recieve that flag and hang it up on the wall for my baby to see when he's older. But I'm not going to tell him that his father died for the stupidty of the American government. I'm going to tell him that his father was a hero and the best man I ever met and that he loved his country enough to die for it, because that's all true and nothing will be solved by telling my son that his father was sent to die by people who didn't care about him at all. Fuck you, war supporters, George W. Bush, and all the god damn mother fuckers who made the war possible. I hope you burn in hell.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-10T13:00:13-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/309485032.html From an Angry Soldier text Does Your Human Need a Date, Too? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/305119544.html Hi, I'm Loki. I'm 4 years old, with blue eyes, and in excellent shape. But this isn't really about me. I'm posting for my human, as she thinks this online dating thing is silly and won't do it herself. But I think it could work. Especially if the humans finally realize that we dogs are much better judges of character than they are and let us do the picking and choosing. But anyway, my human needs a date. Don't get me wrong, I love her and all, but now and again a guy just needs the apartment to himself for an evening on the couch watching the hot babes on Animal Planet, you know? Her name is Andrea, and I think she's adorable. She has blonde hair and pretty green eyes. She's funny and an excellent cook. She doesn't like it if you eat between meals, but I'll show you how to do "the look". She can't resist "the look". She gives the best back scratches in the world. I take her running with me every day, so she's in good shape. She even has a job. She likes to take me places with her (we went to Alaska a couple months ago to visit her parents), so I bet she'll want to take you places, too. She's kind of shy, though. She reads books (sometimes she reads to me, isn't that cute?), and she blushes every time she talks to human guy. But she loves dogs and cats, that's why I take her to the park with me. She always has to stop and pet the dogs. I can't tell you how many chicks I've met that way. So, do you have a shy male human that you want to get out of the house more often? He should be smart. Andrea's smart. She knows how to fetch and she never pees on the floor. Your human should also be nice. The last guy Andrea brought home with her was a total loser. He was kind of mean to her and he told her that she had to get rid of me. That's when she kicked him to the curb. Damn straight. So, your human has to be nice to Andrea, because if he isn't, I'll bite him. Here's what I propose: let's get our humans out of the house together. Maybe if they like each other, they'll get out of the house together more often and we can have our respective couches to ourselves every weekend. How's that sound? If you're a fine female of the species, you can come over and share my couch. Andrea had me snipped, so it's totally safe. Respectfully, The Dog P.S. Here are some pics of Andrea, and that last one is me.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-02T20:41:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/305119544.html Does Your Human Need a Date, Too? text Advice from an ER doctor to drug seekers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/301345524.html OK, I am not going to lecture you about the dangers of narcotic pain medicines. We both know how addictive they are: you because you know how it feels when you don't have your vicodin, me because I've seen many many many people just like you. However, there are a few things I can tell you that would make us both much happier. By following a few simple rules our little clinical transaction can go more smoothly and we'll both be happier because you get out of the ER quicker. The first rule is be nice to the nurses. They are underpaid, overworked, and have a lot more influence over your stay in the ER than you think. When you are tempted to treat them like shit because they are not the ones who write the rx, remember: I might write for you to get a shot of 2mg of dilaudid, but your behavior toward the nurses determines what percent of that dilaudid is squirted onto the floor before you get your shot. The second rule is pick a simple, non-dangerous, (non-verifiable) painful condition which doesn't require me to do a four thousand dollar work-up in order to get you out of the ER. If you tell me that you headache started suddenly and is the 'worst headache of your life' you will either end up with a spinal tap or signing out against medical advice without an rx for pain medicine. The parts of the story that you think make you sound pitiful and worthy of extra narcotics make me worry that you have a bleeding aneurysm. And while I am 99% sure its not, I'm not willing to lay my license and my families future on the line for your ass. I also don't want to miss the poor bastard who really has a bleed, so everyone with that history gets a needle in the back. Just stick to a history of your 'typical <back/head/joint/tmj> pain that is totally the same as I usually get' and we will both be much happier. The third rule (related to #2) is never rate your pain a 10/10. 10/10 means the worst pain you could possibly imagine. I've seen people in a 10/10 pain and you sitting there playing tetris on your cell phone are not in 10/10 pain. 10/10 pain is an open fracture dangling in the wind, a 50% body surface deep partial thickness burn, or the pain of a real cerebral aneurysm. Even when I passed a kidney stone, the worst pain I had was probably a 7. And that was when I was projectile vomiting and crying for my mother. So stick with a nice 7 or even an 8. That means to me you are hurting by you might not be lying. (See below.) The fourth rule is never ever ever lie to me about who you are or your history. If you come to the ER and give us a fake name so we can't get your old records I will assume you are a worse douchetard than you really are. More importantly though it will really really piss me the fuck off. Pissing off the guy who writes the rx you want does not work to your advantage. The fifth rule is don't assume I am an idiot. I went to medical school. That is certainly no guarantee that I am a rocket scientist I know (hell, I went to school with a few people who were a couple of french fries short of a happy meal.) However, I also got an ER residency spot which means I was in the top quarter or so of my class. This means it is a fair guess I am a reasonably smart guy. So if I read your triage note and 1) you list allergies to every non-narcotic pain medicine ever made, 2) you have a history of migraines, fibromyalgia, and lumbar disk disease, and 3) your doctor is on vacation, only has clinic on alternate Tuesdays, or is dead, I am smart enough to read that as: you are scamming for some vicodin. That in and of itself won't necessarily mean you don't get any pain medicine. Hell, the fucktards who list and allergy to tylenol but who can take vicodin (which contains tylenol) are at least good for a few laughs at the nurses station. However, if you give that history everyone in the ER from me to the guy who mops the floor will know you are a lying douchetard who is scamming for vicodin. (See rule # 4 about lying.) The sixth and final rule is wait your fucking turn. If the nurse triages you to the waiting room but brings patients who arrived after you back to be treated first, that is because this is an EMERGENCY room and they are sicker than you are. You getting a fix of vicodin is not more important than the 6 year old with a severe asthma attack. Telling the nurse at triage that now your migraine is giving you chest pain since you have been sitting a half hour in the waiting area to try to force her into taking you back sooner is a recipe for making all of us hate you. Even if you end up coming back immediately, I will make it my mission that night to torment you. You will not get the pain medicine you want under any circumstances. And I firmly believe that if you manipulate your way to the back and make a 19 year old young woman with an ectopic pregnancy that might kill her in a few hours wait even a moment longer to be seen, I should be able to piss in a glass and make you drink it before you leave the ER. So if you keep these few simple rules in mind, our interaction will go much more smoothly. I don't really give a shit if I give 20 vicodins to a drug-seeker. Before I was burnt out in the ER I was a hippy and I would honestly rather give that to ten of you guys than make one person in real pain (unrelated to withdrawal) suffer. However, if you insist on waving a flourescent orange flag that says 'I am a drug seeker' and pissing me and the nurses off with your behavior, I am less likely to give you that rx. You don't want that. I don't want that. So lets keep this simple, easy, and we'll all be much happier. Sincerely, Your friendly neighborhood ER doctor  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-27T09:56:20-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/301345524.html Advice from an ER doctor to drug seekers text Welcome to San Francisco, Hordes of Tourists! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/299229521.html I'm going to do the best I can to make you feel welcome here in the city. You should start by observing the following common courtesies to the people who actually live, work, and otherwise exist here full time. If you do adhere to these policies, you will have far fewer people telling you how much they hate tourists. You will be the anti-tourism tourist; the one that blends enough into the crowd to avoid the disdain and general irritation that comes from a native or long-term transplant who knows and religiously practices the rules of city etiquette. 1. This must be your first time in an underground transportation system. You know how I knew? You, and your circle of family/screaming children/drunk frat brothers/and BFFs stood in the center of the escalator, seemingly oblivious not only to the polite requests to step to the side, but the 37 people you abruptly stopped mid-stride in your insistence that "if we ain't standing together, we won't find one another at the bottom". Really, tho, the escalators have singular destinations, and if you are forced to separate, it'll be fairly easy to find the lost lamb again. RULE: Stand on the right, pass on the left. 2. Don't stop in the middle of the sidewalk to study your map. If you are irreparably lost, step out of the flow of pedestrian (and vehicular) traffic as to not interfere with my commute. I actually know where I'm going, and you stopping in front of me only make me want to run into you and be vulgar: I'm a nice person, don't bring that out in me. RULE: Be aware of the very obvious fact that you aren't the only person with somewhere to go, and blocking traffic is just rude. 3. Don't complain loudly to everyone you meet about how expensive everything is. Duh. We already live in the 2nd most expensive city in the US. We know. You should have planned better. RULE: Get over the cost. At least you don't have to pay rent here. 4. The weather here is unpredictable. Unlike SoCal, where the sun is shiny and clouds are rare, we live in a strange weather pattern. Mark Twain said "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." Bring a coat, long pants, and warm socks. This is not to say there won't be some great weather, but chances are likely you'll freeze your tush off if you only have flip flops, tank tops, and short shorts (which are, BTW, out of fashion. You look like a whore. just a heads up.) RULE: Hope for the best, plan for the worst. 5. RULE: If your whole family is wearing matching "Alcatraz Swim Team" sweatshirts, people are in fact laughing at you. It's not a coincidence. 6. If you must bring your children here, keep them on a leash, and for God's sake, don't bring them to upscale restaurants. This is a foodie city, and we take these things seriously. The cost of a great dinner out includes ambiance; ambiance does not, and will never involve your screaming children. RULE: Leave the kids at home: This is a grown-up playground. 7. Don't tell homeless people to get a job. If you lived their lives, you'd be sitting on the corner in a drugged out bliss too. You can maintain their dignity, and whatever shred of yours you have left, by walking by without snide comments, being rude, or generally shitty. RULE: You are the guest here, th