Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-06-04T21:21:52-06:00 2 daily Shocked by my cucumber... - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/708132908.html Look. English cucumbers go for $1.50 each at the Midvale Harmon's on 7th East. That's right. Each. So while you were standing next to me gawking as I tried to find the biggest, individually, shrink-wrapped English cucumber, I thought I would just politely explain why I was being so picky. It struck me afterwards why you might have been a bit traumatized, Mr. Three Cans of Rock Star energy drink, 4 donuts, and one tub of potato salad, after I told you that "size really does matter, you know..." $1.50 each! That means I pay the same for a short, stubby one. A crooked, bumpy one. A long, firm one. A soft, mushy one. An average-lengthed, chubby one... So yes, if I pay the same no matter what, I wanted a long, chubby, firm English cucumber for the money, thankyouverymuch. But if you aren't too traumatized from our interaction, I'm single (and I'm guessing you are too, Mr. Three Cans of Rock Star, 4 donuts, and one tub of potato salad). Come on over and I'll feed you. Care for a salad? I can omit the cucumber... <ul> <li> Location: Midvale <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-04T21:21:52-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/708132908.html Shocked by my cucumber... - w4m text To all "Happy Campers" http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/203274705.html Folks, yesterday ended the regular summer season. I am in the West roughly between the Wasatch and the Tetons. I went home and drank a martini. I made it a double. Yes, there will still be more happy campers. But for the most part, Labor Day signals an end to the onslaught of humanity. Yes, we'll still have to put up with rude French Canadians for a little while but for the most part, we've made it through the storm. It used to be that camping meant pitching a tent and hiking. Or maybe bringing the horses and doing some trail riding. But lately it seems like people are bringing their homes with them. The generators I can live with so long as they are quiet and used within reason. Its the late night music and drinking that kept us running this summer. I saw more domestics, more of what we classify as "disorderly conduct" offenses, and generally more people being rude and obnoxious to neighboring campers than in years past. And what's with the big screen TV's out in the forest? Can't you cut the umbilical cord with your TV for just three or four days? I went through one campground last night and felt like I was at the freaking drive in. Listen folks, most people go camping to get away from it all. Who wants to here you screaming at your kids or berating your wife? No one wants to hear your stereo with the Bass cranked up to where my windows are vibrating before I even arrive. No one wants to here your drunken tirades and fights. Saturday I handled 4 public urination (for the record, I don't care if your taking a leak behind a bush but what's up with you idiots that don't even try to conceal yourself?) 6 disorderly conduct, 2 domestics, 7 loud music complaints, and one possession (meth) arrest. Holy shit people! This is supposed to be camping, not the hood. Your Lincoln Navigator might have a premium sound system with a CD changer but does that mean we all have to enjoy your music? The answer is no. And to you people that cannot understand why the posted speed limit is 15 MPH,,,,it's because a lot of people bring little kids camping with them and these kids tend to run around. To the chick in the Dodge Neon with the Raiders Sticker, yes, you do get a ticket for going 50 in a 15 and no, I don't care that you called my supervisor (neither does my supervisor, she said you talk like a 12 year old that didn't get the prize you wanted from the dentist) Being a park ranger used to mean a lot of PR, giving directions, occasional search and rescue, first aid, and a periodic encounter with some idiot who drank too much. But now it means responding to the same calls any department handles in an urban area. Instead of smiling at people and letting kids turn our overhead lights on, or petting our horse or sitting on our ATV and handing out junior ranger badges, we have to be on guard all the time looking for tweekers and gun totting survivalists who hate the government or want to use the wilderness as a place to stash shit for the Armageddon. And since when did it become popular to use the great outdoors to kill yourself? What happened to committing suicide in town? Now we have people coming out looking for the "natural way" to commit suicide and frankly, some of the places you are choosing make body recovery an all day ordeal. To the moron from Salt Lake that just had to take the 500 foot high dive, do you have any idea what it takes to stage a deep canyon body recovery when our only access is the river? I had plans that weekend! Here are some of my summer favorites from this year To the peckerhead from Denver standing out the side of the road skinning out a dead Coyote. I understand that it was road kill and that you didn't shoot it. My problem is your lack of common sense. Everyone driving by sees you standing there with your buck knife gutting this damn thing. Do you think they know it was road kill? Every widow from Cheyenne to San Francisco that drove by and saw you standing there with your prize had there cell phones in hand faster than Wyatt Earp could pull a six iron. And to the Californian who stopped to help the deer that had been hit. Youre mad at me because I wouldn't call a vet? Are you nuts lady? This is the wilderness not The Bon Macy's. We do not call veterinarians for road kill. To the kid that pointed the airsoft M-16 out of your car window at me as we passed on the highway,,, Im sorry I made your dad wet his pants when I pulled you all from the car at gunpoint but hey, your the one who took the orange top off of your toy and don't you think that you being 16 means your old enough to know better? Hell, I damn near had my own private heart attack because of you. What am I supposed to think when I see a Cadillac with California plates and a big black gun barrel pointed at me? To the Hispanic guy who tossed the empty Bush Lite beer case out the window,,how is me pulling you over racial profiling? I would have pulled you over no matter what color you are. You ought to get an ass kicking just for being a lazy pig. You paid how much for those rims and yet you drink the cheapest beer on the shelf and you can't afford a littering ticket? I don't think so. I hate writing tickets but youre the kind that makes it fun. To the guy taking a crap on the side of the road, do you think that just because your on the passengers side of your RV doesn't mean we can't see you squatting there on the asphalt? There's a whole forest ten feet away! When I came around the corner and saw that I almost crashed into a friggin tree! To the guy doing the horizontal rumba with your girlfriend on top of the picnic table. Yes, I'm sure it was cool and yes, she is hot but can't you at least wait until its dark???? Not everyone is a voyeur. Someone must not have enjoyed seeing your naked ass pile driving some tart from town or they wouldn't have bothered to call it in. To the guy who stole one of our ATV's. Don't you think you should have painted it a different color or did something to change its appearance before you start riding it around the same area you stole it from? To the rest of you real outdoorsmen and women who respect the land, pack out what you pack in, and enjoy the outdoors for what it is, more power to you. But I'll never contact you unless we are passing on the trail and then it's only a mutual hello or maybe answering your questions about weather or terrain. To the weekend warriors who bring your hate and discontent with you, stay home. Realistically, 90% of the people who visit the outdoors are great. You make the job fun. Its the 10% who seek to work overtime to put everyone else out that makes it bad. The summer is over! Now I can concentrate on a little work around the house and maybe some fishing. Winter will be here soon and life will be good. Until next summer!  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around A Park Ranger <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-09-05T12:00:49-06:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/203274705.html To all "Happy Campers" text Tips and a rant from a female bartender http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/134109948.html Yes. Things get slipped into drinks. No. This is not news. As a now retired female bartender, I thought I had the corner market on this little drink watching thing. I've tended bar in a half-dozen places here. (Yuck, I know, blame my never ending educational endeavors.) I still go out occasionally with my girlfriends, but part of me has a hard time letting go and getting tanked. Why, you ask? Two reasons. Well, having bartended (and dated more "security" guys than I should have) I have seen my fair share of people in the throws of a mickey fit. I've sat and held confused, crying women who security literally drug in from the parking lot. I've watched big, manly men crying because the "spiders" they saw crawling everywhere were going to get them. Watch this once or twice. Look a woman right in the eyes, knowing she was headed to the hospital for a rape kit work-up. Then tell me that I shouldn't "cock-block" when your buddy is just trying to score a piece with my hot, albeit barely coherent girlfriend. Even as careful as I am, I was slipped something in Vegas. Fortunately, I was with my then significant other's buddies who had been charged with my safekeeping. Three hours and three martinis later, I couldn't stand up. THREE DAYS later, my hands finally stopped shaking and the puking went away. So again. Please. When I explain to you, Mr. Hot Guy trying to talk me into letting my drunk girlfriend go to that private afterparty/hottub thing---don't think I'm a bitch. When I get frustrated from alternately trying to prop upright one of my girls while you and said semi-coherent friend wheedle, to go to some unknown person's home--- be a gentleman. When I finally get upset, give you her phone number and tell you that "I don't care if you fuck my friend all day tomorrow, but I am ABSOLUTELY not turning her over to you at 2:00am." Don't think I am a cold, frigid unfeeling bitch who really needs some of "what you got". Understand that part of me would love to toss back a few more shots, shake my thing on the dance floor and pass out after some very fumbly sex on your bed sheets that haven't been washed in a month. The problem here is that after my aforementioned experiences, it makes me a little wary. Yes, I have a trust issues with SOME of your gender. Not you, per se, but the very small handful of those OTHER guys that have given you a bad rap. The ones with the mommy issues, control problems, rageaholics and the unimpressive equipment, who have to drug a girl into oblivion to get laid. So please, when I (the responsible, semi-sober friend) ask you to please sleep with her tomorrow, respect that. I have a duty to my friends to keep them safe. More importantly, I have a duty to their children, being their fun "Aunt" to bring their mom home safe after our all-too-rare night out. And in a side issue: Being the semi-sober, responsible one does not necessarily make me the least likely candidate in such a target rich environment. You would be surprised, pumpkin, at how far an invite for coffee or greasy breakfast tomorrow will get you. Besides, I'm also the nurturing one, who cooks great Italian, your mother will love and who knows, your future children might actually have a chance at being literate with the friend who is "hot, but a bitch". Take a chance, it might be worth it. And quit whining that you Never meet nice women in the bar. Lets rethink. The nice women are usually not the ones who are willing to go home with you that night. Nor are they the ones who strip in public, blow you in the bathroom, make out with their friends (well, sometimes), whore themselves out for another Long Island or dress like they are getting paid to be there. There are nice girls in bars. I know them. I meet them all the time. They just arent the ones you are immediately drawn to, due to their lack of clothing. But I promise you. The nice girls are the ones you would double take at the grocery store, but skip over in a smokey dark club. If you think you should wear a body condom or have to dig through more than three inches of makeup to find skin, chances are this is not a nice one. Just a thought. P.S. Can you call us a cab? webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-02-15T09:57:20-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/134109948.html Tips and a rant from a female bartender text I almost destroyed a life today http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/115380611.html I have to rant to someone. I cannot tell this to my friends. I am a partner in a growing company. Business tends to slow down a little in November and December and I find myself pushing my people harder and harder. I didn't come to be one of the owners overnight. I worked hard for many years and for a boss that was cruel and heartless. I rose above it all. Now he's gone and I run all of the divisions everywhere. I swore I would never, ever treat an employee like he did. Well, I forgot. Its easy to drive my Mercedes home listening to my favorite CD or watching the game on my 60" TV or heading to Vegas for some fun. But in the mix of become important I forgot who I was and I forgot the promise I made. Today, one of my employees who have been particularly aloof or unable to concentrate lately set me off and I sent her packing. She threw nothing short of a fit and I had her escorted to the door ASAP so that her sobbing would not distract the rest of the staff. A couple of hours ago I noticed one of my senior staff was not back from lunch. She's a good and trusted employee and manager. But today I was "kicking ass and taking names" So I called to find out how dare she be late and heard the sound of a little girl in the background. This employee doesn't have any kids so I asked where she was. Turns out she was at the home of the employee I had dismissed. That employee as it turns out was so aloof and distracted because her husband had abandoned her and her kids some weeks ago and she was too ashamed to say anything. Today was her 4 year old girls birthday and she couldn't afford a cake leave alone candles to put on it! She's been paying all the bills since her husband left her and is nearly broke. All of her distant behavior and inability to perform suddenly made sense. But I was too busy worrying about my bottom line to be bothered to notice. I fired this woman today and she went home wondering how she could even give her daughter a gift for her birthday because I just took her primary source of income away from her. I just got back from the store. I bought all of the presents and food I could grab up in a short amount of time but suffice it to say this little girl will have a great party this evening. Thier refrigerator will have food in it and theres plenty of pizza and ice cream and gifts. Her mother has a job to come back to Monday morning and me? Well, I have some lessons to learn and some soul searching to do. I wasnt raised to be such an arrogant, uncompassionate son of a bitch but I somehow managed to get there. You don't need to know my name. Its not important. I just needed to get this off my chest and to share this in hopes that someone else like me, will read this and remember who we really are and where we came from. I thought I was a big man but found out today I am very, very small. Please, do something to help someone truly in need. God bless all of you this Holiday Season and Merry Christmas webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-12-02T16:59:05-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/115380611.html I almost destroyed a life today text